Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Longest Post Ever

FYI, we're going to try to get this thing going again. We're going to try to have a few more contributors and see what happens. I suggest you have low expectations--I wouldn't want any of you to be disappointed. ;) Log

Some things never change. One of those things is my propensity to write outlandishly long blog articles, another is my temper. I'll talk about my temper first, and by the end of this article you'll need no convincing that I like writing too much. The other day I strolled into a liquor store in sunny California to buy a small bottle of Jameson and a six pack of Fat Tire (which is the greatest beer in the world). Well, my bill totaled $35.03, and I had two twenty dollar bills on me. As I handed my two twenties to the guy working behind the counter, I asked him if he could cover the three cents himself or wait until someone left some change in the tip jar to add to his
drawer, so that I wouldn't have to be handed .97 cents in change. (Change should be done away with for ever, or given all to me, so I can put it in my 40 ft x 40ft Piggy bank that'll I'll one day have to break with a wrecking ball.) I thought this to be a reasonable request and as he rung up my items without saying anything, I was under the assumption that my requested favor
would be granted. So, suffice to say, when he handed me back $4.97, I was a bit perturbed. I proceeded to dump the change onto the counter and walk out of the store. He called me a "dick", and I just put up my middle finger as I walked out. The power of the middle finger is something to behold, especially after a guy calls you out. To be honest, I was having a shitty day, and was looking for a verbal altercation, but come on now, was this guy kidding? One has to be a pretty big jackass to refuse giving away a few cents for the greater good. I plan on going back to his store and dropping a "poopy" dollar on his liquor floor somewhere. He'll pick up the dollar and
be a littler richer for it, but he'll soon realize that he has poop all over his hands. Anyway, a lot has happened to a lot of people in a lot of places since I last wrote anything on a blog, so I'm going to do a quick rundown of what's been on my mind (in relation to sports) over the next couple of days. (No need to do a double take, I actually did say a couple of days.) As you may have gathered from that first paragraph, I did move to California, so I automatically started drinking 6 Expressos a day and talking "real chill bro." In all seriousness, as I've said to those who actually, for one reason or another, speak with me on a regular to semi-regular basis, this place is exactly the same as South Bend, Indianapolis, Louisville, Bloomington, and any other place I've taken up residence in for an extended period of time; only that there are mountains here which make it very difficult to run, and sometimes (not always) people think their shit is a little better to eat than do most people who are living in the Midwest.

*I must regress for a moment just to remind all that shit is never good to eat, if you don't
believe me go to and enjoy (or don't go there if you are on a work computer and want to keep your job.) Oh, and I don't like pompousness unless it's being exposed, and the person who's dishing it out is being embarrassed in the process." (*I just submitted the sentence in the above paragraph that began with "In all seriousness" to the Guinness Book of World Records for longest and most confusing sentence of all time. I like my chances.)**

I'd talk more about my personal life, i.e. my love life, dreams, and/or ambitions, but reading about that topic is more painful than hearing, or even worse smelling, one of your grandma's farts, so I won't force you gregarious and affable young people to partake in my ever growing repertoire of self-deprecating one liners. Instead, I will bore you with talks about "Pretty Boy" or should I say Floyd "Money" Mayweather, Tim Tebow, the NBA, the ridiculousness that is college bowl season, Michael Vick, that football team from the New England area, Roger Clemens, an old lady who thwarted a robber with the power of Jesus, and the only Christmas gift on my wish list.


Mi historia comienza en barra por completo del mexicano aquí en Los Ángeles. I've never, ever (100% pure Columbian sarcasm) been a guy to say "I told you so", so I won't say it, but know that I am implying it with that last line. I watched the Floyd Mayweather vs. Ricky Hatton fight and it played out exactly as I had suspected. Hatton was undersized giving up 4-5 pounds and a
5-6 inch reach to PBF, and he performed quite well for being so overmatched. I wasn't as surprised as Hatton had more fans in the stands (probably 3-1) than Floyd. By the middle of fight week, Las Vegas turned into Manchester as thousands of Brits made the trek across the Atlantic to root for their national hero. By the time fight night came around, I was actually worried that the Western part of the United States would be invaded by a Calvary of angry Brits, looking for some revolutionary revenge. They drank and sang and danced and brushed their teeth sparingly, all the while trying to will Hatton to a victory with their unwavering faith and support. But you see, reality couldn't care less about feel good stories or happy drunk Brits. It doesn't care that Hatton's victory would create the closest thing to a real, in the flesh, Rocky Balboa (who I must remind Philadelphia folks isn't a real person.) So basically, Hatton was screwed because in real life Rocky gets his ass kicked by Apollo Creed 9/10 times, and that Russian guy in Rocky IV probably rips Rocky's head off and uses it as a chaser with a shot of Vodka.

Of course Hatton had a "puncher's chance" which is always the case in boxing, and Floyd seemed willing to abandon his brilliant defensive skills to mix it up with the feisty little Brit for the fist few rounds, but eventually Floyd's size and obvious skill advantage were just too much. I
wish I had a recorder in between rounds 9 and 10 because I told my buddy Lucas that Floyd would be knocking Hatton out in the 10th. (Ego boost) He had hurt Hatton around 10-15 times with big rights and sweeping left hooks in the middle rounds, and I sensed those shots had taken too big a toll on Hatton. As Hatton moved forward for his last time, Floyd caught him with a
big left hook that sent Ricky off the ropes and onto the canvas. I stood up amongst my new Mexican friends, and for the first time ever, was rooting whole heartedly for PBF. Well maybe not wholeheartedly as I selfishly wanted my new born prediction to be proven true, but I was definitely surprised that I had his back even if my support was motivated partially by egotism.
Hatton got up, but it was for naught, as the ref, Joe Cortez, stopped the fight just before Floyd sent Hatton to the ground with one finishing flurry of straight rights and big lefts.

On Log's Blog, a long time ago, when Log still hadn't left for Europe and the blog was still operating, I wrote that I wouldn't watch the fight. I was glad that my hypocrisy was in full force by the time the fight rolled around because I would have missed out on a spectacular battle if not. Next on the agenda for Floyd is, you guessed it, retirement so that he can focus on becoming a promoter. Reading in between the lines and judging by Floyd's past retirement claims, I'll say he's fighting again within the year; probably against Cotto if Top Rank keeps pushing Cotto, and he continues to prove himself as a big draw for those PPV sharks.

*One a quick side note, you would have been amazed at some of the racial shots the Mexicans were throwing out at Hatton. When he came to the ring, more than a few of my Mexican-American compatriots were yelling "Go back to your country." I had never seen a minority group of Americans so thoroughly harass a European, which made me shake my head as I realized that this goliath "us against them" mentality exists even in the places were it seems
to defy logic most, but that is for another article that I'll never write, so back to the rambling.*

Floyd had taken a lot of heat from boxing fans and insiders for his inability to produce an action packed fight. He was known as "Floyd Mayrunner" to many, and in this fight he proved he could stand toe to toe with a fighter. I'm not as impressed with his attempt to provide his fans with more entertainment because I believe he knew was in a different league than Hatton. Anyone will stand up and fight a guy who doesn't possess his skill level or size, but that's entirely different and much easier than fighting a big and ready Welterweight like Cotto. Hopefully Floyd will put himself at risk against Cotto, which only happens if Mayweather thinks there is enough money in the fight. Anyway, I'll congratulate Floyd. I think the little guy is starting to grow on me. I can't believe I just said that and will have to stop typing for 15 minutes as I just placed myself in time out.

Heisman Trophy:

Ok, I'm back and done talking about boxing for awhile. My next area of emphasis will be on the Heisman Trophy race. Let me start by saying a couple things. I have my Google search bar up to make sure that all spellings contained below are correct, and I won't get into any conference strength arguments because my back is sun-burned, and patting it would only lead to discomfort and inflammation. I truly feel bad for Dixon, Oregon (quack, quack), and McBread, who all took a horrible beat with one massively tweaked knee. Maybe I'm being naïve, but the Ducks seemed like the best team in the country, and something tells me they would be playing for a national title if one of the 500 black people in Oregon didn't happen to be their injured
quarterback. I've hit a few roulette wheels for a pretty penny back in the day, but nothing that is paying 150-1. It's just so painful.

Anyway, when Dixon went down with his injury, the Heisman race opened up considerably, and almost instantly Darren McFadden, Colt Brennan, and Tim Tebow became the leaders. The quarterback from Missouri was also considered, but really, everyone knows that the only thing good to come out of Missouri (which I can't spell anymore for some reason) over the past 10 years is Nelly and his group of Lunatics (oh, and I'll include Hot Rod as well). I feel like I don't have to mention Bud Light because that's actually not produced in Missouri. Jesus makes that in Heaven and because he doesn't want people to freak out, he sends it to Missouri first before distribution. Anyway, it was a three horse race, and I started to believe McFadden might have taken the lead down the stretch with his ridiculous performance against LSU. He rushed for over 200 yards against (arguably) the best defense in the country. However, Tebow's number were equally as impressive, and I think he was deserving of the award.

Congratulations to Tim Tebow, who won the Heisman trophy. Fortunately, I didn't watch that ridiculously long and drawn out presentation, but I guarantee two things:

1. He thanked God.
2. He was one of the only celebrities or athletes, who upon receiving an award, actually meant it when he said "I'd like to thank God." Rumor has it he's a good Christian American.

As you all know, he was the first sophomore ever to win the award. Playing in the SEC and breaking the all-time touchdown record (I think) is unfathomable, and the three loses Florida had during the year have to be put in perspective as that conference is the best in America.

As I mentioned in my misspelled Heisman candidate article before the beginning of the year, McFadden was hurt by Arkansas' record. If his team would have lost 3 games, I'm pretty sure he would have won the award. Across all 10 teams in the SEC, only 12 total games were lost outside of conference play. Going undefeated in the SEC is as unlikely as me not making an AFL
team if I decided to try out at one of their regional workouts.


I am slowly falling below the poverty line and will be looking into Welfare here soon enough. Consequently, I haven't been able to watch many NBA games as we don't have cable at our house out here in California. I watched the start of the season while I was in Indy, but since then, my NBA viewing has been extremely limited. I do know that Boston is on a torrid pace, and should finish the season with around 60-65 wins (assuming none of the "Big Three" get hurt). The team is performing at a level that is so far above the rest of the Eastern conference its ridiculous. I just hope Paul Piece can stay away from any knife fights, and Ray Allen can avoid that little rat Bruce Bowen for the rest of the year because barring any big time injury,
they should be a joy to watch the rest of the year.

Doc Rivers has been granted a stay of execution and will be able to avoid that "black guys can't coach in the NBA" label for a couple more years. Think about it, I really can't name more than a handful of successful black NBA coaches over the past few years. Avery Johnson is the one big name that comes to mind, but his mouth is as big as a canoe, and he sounds ridiculous, so I can't take him seriously. Isiah Thomas has single-handedly destroyed the New York Knicks, and isn't even shrewd enough to suppress his blatant sexism. I mean, I am the biggest male chauvinist in the world, but even I reserve the "Women don't need to wear watches because there are clocks on stoves" joke to situations were I am desperate for a laugh. He called the woman who was suing the Knicks for sexual harassment a "black bitch" and a "ho". I'm sure he was right, but come on now! He'd be fun to have at a boring Christmas party as he would certainly create some sparks and probably end up getting a drink dumped on his face by some drunk girl saying "How
dare you disrespect women like that", but in a court of law, on the witness stand in a multi-million dollar lawsuit, you might want to lie through your teeth and deny the accusations.

I also heard that LeBong James has missed around 5-7 games with a sprained finger. The Cavs lost a majority (if not all) games when he was out. I think Lebron should stop being such a pussy. I don't need any Cleveland fans telling me that his injury was serious, and he needed to sit out. I played a few games in elementary school with a broken wrist, and I was completely
fine. Oh, and I am probably the biggest pussy in the world. Without Lebron, the Cavs are probably the worse team in the NBA (and NBDL).


*A couple weeks back Page 2 of ESPN had a poll up, that asked fans what they
would most like to see happen to a city of **Boston** sports team. The three
choices were as follows:*

*1. The Steelers beating the Patriots*

*2. Johan Santanna being traded to any team other than the BoSox*

*3. Garnett blowing out his knee.*

*Only 4% of this dumb ass population voted for the Garnett knee blowout, but it suggested how angry the sport's world is with the **Boston** areasuccess. I can understand people's frustration with the Pats and Red Sox, but the Celtics haven't done anything meaningful since the 80's. The 90's were a disastrous decade, and they were forced to deal with Antoine "Shimmy" **Walker** for the 2nd half of it. Now, voting for a 'Toine knee blowout is
one thing, but Garnett is too nice for such vindictiveness. *


The BCS is like the biggest c-word you know. It's stupid, pointless, and should be fixed before I have to take matters into my own hands. Over the course of the next 3 weeks there will be a bunch of meaningless games that are played and watched by fans for absolutely no reason at all. I look at every game other than the national championship contest as some kind of bizarro exhibition. Most of the teams haven't played for 3-6 weeks, so they are rusty and unable to perform at the level they ended the season at. Moreover, most of the games aren't rationally thought out leaving almost no good rivalry-type deal thingys. Indiana is playing in a bowl game (not sure which one) out in Arizona, what???( Someone wasn't paying attention in their United States Geography class..) Pitting the third best team in the ACC against the 4th best team in the Big 12 makes as much sense as Don King audio clip. Nobody cares. I am really angry about this. I don't have enough money to gamble these days, so the aforementioned pointlessness of this shit has caused me extreme duress (funny word). My buddy found me curled up in the fetal position the other night crying. The "curled up in the fetal position part" is normal, but the crying was due to the bowl schedule.

Before the advent of the BCS, some of the bigger bowl games had National Title implications. A Big 10 team playing out here at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena would be vying for a shot at the title against one of those dirty Florida schools who were playing in the Orange Bowl. This always led to an exciting finish to the season as most of the games were played on the same day. Now, I have to watch Kansas, Missouri, Hawaii, West Virginia, and some other bullshit teams play with nothing at stake. I'll need some Percocets and brandy to derail the boredom.

*Sidenote 1: The championship game might actually be decent. I know LSU is one of the best teams in the country, and I'm interested to see what OSU can do. Senator Tressell will take some major heat* (see sidenote 2) if he gets murdered for the 2nd straight year in the national title game. *

*Sidenote 2: I have been forced to switch to an even more ghetto brand of "heat" (chew to those who aren't hip to be cool) since moving to **California**. A tin of Skoal is around $7.99. I bought a tin at this price when I first got here thinking that there was some secret treasure waiting for me when I opened it. Being logical, I thought that was the only way something that gives you cancer and only lasts for 1 day could cost so much.To my surprise, there was no little treasure chest at the bottom of the tin or a miniature Genie in the bottle who was willing to grant me three wishes. Had there been, I would have asked the Genie if I could wish for the same thing three times, and if (s)he said yes, I would have immediately said "No cancer, no cancer, no cancer." (Not funny at all because my gum lines are so tore up that I actually cut my bottom lip earlier today on a frosted lemon cookie at Albertson's Grocery Mart.) I'm now chewing "Longhorn", which costs around $2.25 out here, so I'm thinking the people who make Longhorn
actually pay people to use their product out in the **Midwest**.*

My clock in California reads 3:31am right now, so the article is getting a little ridiculous. I apologize. I need to regroup for a few hours. I'll commence this shit show again tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick:

This story came out at the same time that many of you thought I actually murdered an innocent, but obnoxious, dog. Perfect timing if I do say so myself. I am glad I actually didn't kill the annoying pup because it looks like our criminal justice system is really cracking down on animal cruelty. If I had killed the dog, I would have classified it as more of a hate crime because I'd only kill certain dog breeds, but I guess the justice system sees it differently.

Vick was sentenced to almost 2 years in prison for running of an illegal dog fighting operation. He was electrocuting poor puppies that weren't performing well in their matches. Deadspin posted Vick's letter to the judge that is asking for leniency in his sentencing. Some famous athletes also wrote to the judge on Vick's behalf, including Hank Aaron and George Foreman. Aaron's letter was very well articulated and thoughtful. Foreman's letter, on the other hand, was one of the most asinine things I've read in a very long time (probably because I haven't done too much reading in a very long time.) Here is an excerpt from the beginning of his letter:

"Dear Judge Hudson:

I'm a fulltime minister at the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ in Houston, Texas, former two-time Heavyweight Champion of the world, and known all over the world as the king of the grills because of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine.

But the real story is that as a young boy I prowled the streets of Houston, TX as a thief, and a teenage mugger until one night while trying to escape the police, I laid in a hole and covered myself with mud from a busted sewage pipe under a house so that police dogs couldn't sniff me out. I made it home that night all stinky and filthy from the sewage and I promised
myself that I was going to be a better person...."

Ok, I have a few problems with the letter good ole' George wrote.

1. I almost wanted to cry when he shamelessly plugged his Grill Sets like he was on a damn late night infomercial. He should have started his letter by saying something like " I am owner of Geroge Foreman Grills, the leading grill manufacturer in the United States." Instead, he tries to sell the judge a couple grills as stocking stuffers for the Holiday season.

2. His story about evading the cops is probably going to get him arrested. You know some old fart out of the Prosecutor's office in Houston Texas just re-opened up a case from around 40 years ago that had long been forgotten about. George is probably fleeing the state of Texas right now to avoid those who are seeking him out, with warrants in hand. I love George to death, but gosh, he sure as hell is an idiot. The judge will probably give Vick a few more months in jail because of the sheer stupidity of the letter.

The sentencing of Vick by the Fed's was one of the quickest in history andsets a precedent for all of those people who still think there is nothing wrong with dog fighting. If I remember correctly, many big time past and present football players came out saying that they had been to dog fights and thought it wasn't that big a deal. (Primetime Deion Sanders and Clinton
Portis both come to mind.) Well, I guess the Fed's saw it differently, and now Vick faces almost two years in prison and two years away from the football field. I won't be shocked if he's back in the NFL in a few years, but this fiasco has already cost him millions in endorsements and any chance at being a pro-bowl player again.

I guess he tested positive for marijuana while he was on house arrest waiting for his trail, and told the judge he was so depressed that he didn't know what else to do. Immediately after saying all of that, he expressed to the judge that he was a changed man. A changed man, huh? I guess it's the type of changed man who can't resist smoking pot even though he's sure that
he'll be drug tested in the next few days. This guy is a damn idiot, and if you read the letter he wrote to the judge, you'll quickly see that he didn't have any part in writing it initially. Sadly, I was able to find some grammatical errors in the letter, which means his attorney is also a dumbass or (more likely) that Vick can't even perform the simple task of copying something onto another piece of paper. I can see him being handed a pen and a letter he has to copy and looking at the person who handed him the materials, saying "What hand am I supposed to use when I'm doing this?"

New England:

I hate them, but they are good. I pulled up some stats on their offensive production from this year, and some of their numbers are astonishing. They are on pace to break every major team offensive record in NFL history. Moss and Brady have been lethal all year long, and last time I checked they were 1-4 or 1-3 Super Bowl favorites. I wonder if a team has been this big of an
odds on favorite to win a championship in the past 20-30 years. Don't get me wrong, I have many a problem with a few members of this organization, so I'll quickly list those people and my problems with them before I continue stroking them.

*Tom Brady*: My hate for him started after I saw him wearing a beret and some gay looking feather type thing (I don't know what those things are called) after embarrassing a team in week 7, 8, 9, or 10. (I didn't see much commentary on how ridiculous he looked on the intrawebs, which shocked and saddened me a great deal.) He looked like he had just been done with a photo shoot for some metro magazine. Dressing nice and stylish is one thing, but
looking completely g is another. I guess I'll just come out and admit that I am completely jealous of him. He's dating one of the top 10 hottest women in the world (IMNSHO). He's won three Super Bowls. He impregnates hot women and then dumps them when they give birth to his children, and he gets to cuss out his offensive lineman, who are all 2x bigger than him, when they jump offside in the 4th quarter of a game the Patriots are winning by 35 points. If this isn't your dream as a male, slowly walk into the bathroom and make sure you have this weird looking thing that dangles between your legs because you might be missing something downstairs.

*Bill Belichick*-No, I don't have a problem with him because he cheated, but I have a problem with the way he's dealt with getting caught. In order for you to fully understand my position, I'll have to explain to you why this issue hits home with me so much. I was the ultimate cheater for, well, as long as I can remember. Not big things, but tests and an occasional push-off in basketball were quite common for me back in the day. I see no problem with these things as both are necessary for someone as lazy and unmotivated as I can be at times. I was caught cheating once in my 15 yrs of uh, cheatery, when a high school accounting teacher set up a sting operation with some "goodie two shoes" girl in my class. She basically switched out the answers on a couple multiple choice quizzes so that I would put the wrong answer down for all 50 questions. I was disappointed in myself for getting caught, but I didn't turn into a brash and arrogant prick when I did.

Billy B has acted like he has a point to prove to the NFL even though he's the one who got caught. I do this same type of thing when I get in arguments and fights with other people (i.e. acting all pissy and getting people to apologize to me even though there's a good chance I'm in the wrong), but for some reason when someone does it on such a grand scale, it really pisses me
off. The bottom line is that he was using video to cheat against other teams in the league. Instead of being a man and admitting to his mistakes (this is a pretty serious conviction), he is acting like he did nothing wrong. He is one of the best coaches of all time, and I respect him a great deal, but I would like to seem him be a little more subtle with his "f* you NFL and
everyone. I am going to prove to you that I'll kick every teams ass without cheating" mentality. When you get caught in life, you should admit to your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. Bill, I'm disappointed in you and stop wearing that hoodie before I drive up to Foxborough and take a #2 on it.

*Teddy Bruschi*- I hate him because he looks like a transformer, but more so, because he pronounces his name "Brew-ski", when it obviously should be pronounced "Brew-shay" or "Brew-shey". I know it sounds cooler if it's pronounced the way he says it, but where would we be if everyone was at liberty to pronounce their name whatever the hell way they wanted to?
Certainly, unfettered regulation of name pronunciation would lead to chaos and riots in the streets. Oh, and one more thing about the name: after the age of 22, anyone who goes by the name of Teddy should drop the"dy" from the end of their name (case by case basis of course but this holds true 90% of the time. Wow, Ted has a lot of work to do.

*Randy Moss*- I actually find Randy Moss really funny, but I'm pissed that he underperformed for the last few years. He is the most gifted receiver of all time, and his lack of effort meant that I missed out on two years of ridiculous catches. However, I do find it extremely funny that he sounds like a white hick from Alabama.

Ok, now that I'm done with all of that, I'll just quickly state that I think the Patriots are going undefeated and winning the Super Bowl. They are truly taking all of this personal and Tom Brady is so insanely competitive it's ridiculous. That fact, on top of Belichick's genius coaching, almost guarantees a Super Bowl victory. I don't seem them sitting Brady or Moss if they are 14 or 15-0. In some ways, I think this undefeated season is just as important to them as a Super Bowl. They definitely have their priorities out of whack, but it sure is entertaining to watch.

Roger Clemens:

This is for Log (welcome back). How exciting was it when he was named in the Mitchell investigation? For a couple years now, I have been saying that Clemens is on 'roids. I mean how else would it be possible for a guy to put up the numbers he has at his age (cough Bonds)? Going back to my long Bond's article I wrote when he tied the home run record, I remember saying that Bond's had been unfairly singled out by the media because he was a "bad guy". Clemens, on the other hand, was a media darling for some reason. Even though he's never been the most outgoing or available guy, ESPN and other major media ride his cock like it's some super roller coaster that gives you magical powers if you hop on it.

I sent Log an article that was linked for Deadspin a few days ago that broke down his performance each year after having something shot into his butt (and no, not I'm not talking about Andy Pettite's special sauce.) Here are Clemens' statistics from 1998 after he supposedly roided up for the first time.

- 1998 Stats, before July 12: 9-6 record, 3.55 ERA, 119 IP, 47 ER (shot
up in June)
- 1998 Stats, after July 12: 11-0 record, 1.71 ERA, 115.2 IP, 22 ER

Your honor, the prosecution rests it's case. The article goes on to show more supposed connections between his steroid use and performance. If he's not finally shamed into retirement after these findings, then we'll all know he's a big time asshole. For years, people were calling him the greatest pitcher of the last 20-30 years, and perhaps even ever. Those like Tom
Glavine, Greg Maddux, and Randy Johnson were placed on the back burner as Clemens continued to further separate himself from the rest of the elite pitchers. I just hope he wasn't juicing this year because he was absolutely atrocious and his salary, when looking at his performance, was probably the worse in baseball history. Knowing how the media typically deals with it's darlings, Clemens will probably get a free pass and get into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. I really don't give a shit though, he embarrassed himself enough this year, and this put the icing on the proverbial cake. In 15 years, Clemens will probably weight 300 pounds, have a mullet, and still be collecting 5-10 million a year from the Yankees.

*Sidenote 1: Andy Pettite (admitted) said that he used HGH in 2002, while on the DL and recovering from an injury. I'll just remind everyone now that HGH was not on baseball's list of banned substances when he used. I've seen some internet boards asking the question: "Should Pettite be suspended?" Well idiots, I think I just might have the fucking answer and it's NO! If
Gatorade is banned as a performance enhancer next year, should Bud Selig suspend the entire league? Literally, anyone who answers yes to that question should receive a wet-willy from the dirtiest person they know. I can't keep talking about this because it's as annoying as taking a piss that stings because some soap got in the ole' pee-hole.*

*Sidenote 2: Fernando Vina was also named in the Mitchell Report. Maybe this will be enough to get him off Baseball Tonight. Unfortunately, they don't make steroids that help people make a coherent sentence from time to time because I'd definitely be for that. Fernando Vina was garbage with steroids and probably wouldn't make a women's dykeball...I mean softball team, withouttheir help.*

92 Year Old Women:

This story, from the weird and whacky chronicle, definitely takes the cake for funniest of the year. In Memphis, TN a woman was robbed at gunpoint in her car outside of a Walmart. If I hadn't read the store, I would have assumed that she was leaving a convention center after attending one of those 'Antique Road Shows', so I'm glad my confusion was cleared up. Anyway
the women, named Pauline Jacobi, refused to give the robber her money.

She reads her bible everyday (and was obviously hopped up on something). She told the man that she wasn't going to give him the money, and as he persisted, she said "no" three more times. He then told her that he was going to kill her, to which she coolly responded, "As quick as you kill me I'll go to heaven and you'll go to hell. Jesus is in this car and he goes with me everywhere I go."

Almost immediately, she says, the robber broke down in tears. I just don't understand how some religious babble by someone even normal senior citizens would consider "a little too old to be useful anymore" could actually make a grown man cry by telling him he would go to hell if he killed her. I mean the man obviously knew the lady was old as hell when he approached her,
jumped into her car with a gun, and threatened her life for money. All of this wasn't enough, but the simple line "You'll go to hell" scared the shit out of him. I would have laughed in her face and said "Granny, fork over the damn cash before this car gets messy."

Just joking, just joking. I think this is an absolutely great story. The man said he was going to go home and pray later in the night, but Pauline told him that he didn't have to wait to pray. He then said he would start praying right away. She ended up giving him $10, and told him to go on his way. She relayed this story to friends and somehow the police caught wind. Supposedly, the police don't really give a shit if this man was "saved" by Jesus after good ole' Pauline witnessed in that Walmart parking lot. They are still looking for him, and if you have any information leading to the arrest or indictment of this man, please call the Dyer County CrimeStoppers at (731) 285-TIPS. Haha, Pauline doesn't want the cops to pursue the case, but they are going to do it anyway. Stories like these always remind me of why I love cops so dang gone much :-)

My One Christmas Wish:

Punch the most annoying person you know in the face. (I am going to actually try to make my own wish come true. When I drive back to California after New Years, I will be heading to Dallas to punch Terrell Owens in his face.)

I know everyone has somebody they absolutely despise. Maybe it's that person who spells ridiculous like this: rediculus. Hell, I can think of about 100 people who almost fit the bill. I'm probably that person for at least one person reading this blog. So if you see me over Christmas, and have the urge to punch me in the face, do it. Just know that you will be fulfilling my
wish, so in all actuality I'd be the winner. Wow, funny how things work, huh?

Ok, that is it for now. I hope you were able to follow my random rants, musings, and rambles. Everyone have a great Christmas, be safe, and remember to where protection only if you have a "quick trigger", and can't get out in time. When I die, I hope I can at least be the Devil's #2 guy. Hey, you have to start thinking long-term when you know, without a doubt, that you are
going to hell.

Editing is for c, t, f, b, and d words. Everyone send me a Christmas card (w/ 5$ in it).

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

BCS Bowl Projections

This is funny. OSU in the Title game again. The BCS loves Columbus. Oh, and by the way, all of the luck in Ohio sports funnels right to the capital. Shocking stuff, but I love it.


National Championship Game-- OSU vs LSU

Let the Les Miles dick sucking party begin. Oh and to everyone that hates OSU (sammich, I'm looking at you), who else should be there? I'm not saying they deserve it-- in fact, no one really deserves it. They should almost consider canceling the game.

Rose Bowl-- USC vs Illinois

USC is tied in with the Pac-10 Championship, and the Rose gets the first replacement pick since OSU is #1. I say they take Illinois for tradition's sake. They like that in Pasadena.

Sugar Bowl-- Georgia vs Hawaii

The Sugar gets the second replacement pick. I say they take Georgia. They also get the last pick and get beated with Colt Brennan.

Orange Bowl-- Virginia Tech vs Kansas

The Orange takes the ACC champion, and gets the first pick after replacements are made. Kansas is the pick here. If they took West Virginia, the Fiesta would end up with Big 12 vs Big 12. Not allowed

Fiesta Bowl-- Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Oklahoma is tied in with the Big 12 spot. West Virginia. Whatever.

How many of these will you watch? I'll watch the Rose and the NCG I guess. Maybe Fiesta? We've become too spoiled with great college teams to watch every year (USC with Leinart and Bush, Vince Young, those awesome Miami teams). Now we're upset because no one is dominating. Oh well. We'll check back after the results come out in ten minutes. Eh, probably not.

Santana Sweepstakes, Etc.

I know, I know, most of you probably thought this site was dead. Well, you're probably right. What can I say, we've been busy. The only thing that's kept me from announcing the end of the blog is that there's really no reason to shut it down considering its free. So we'll probably keep posting things when we get the chance and maybe people could check it once a week or something like that until we can get this thing going again (big if).

Anyway, I wanted to say a few things about a few things instead of studying for my finals. First off, the Yankees and Red Sox are in yet another bidding war that exemplifies why most people hate them. But the argument, at least from my perspective, is that you can't be that critical of them because they've both worked pretty hard to put themselves in this position. Its a far cry from the Yankees teams of the late nineties who threw money around hapazardly like they were Lil Wayne at the Gold Club. Both teams are in the position to make solid offers for Santana and still leave their farm systems in pretty good condition. In the case of the Red Sox they can actually deal two players because they have an overabundance of talent. Ellsbuy is blocked in CF by Crisp and SS Jed Lowrie is blocked by Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia.

So who is going to get Santana in the end? The Yankees have announced that they are offering Phil Hughes to go along with Melky Cabrera and a third mid to high level prospect. The Red Sox were offering Jon Lester, Coco Crisp, Lowrie and a fourth prospect but have decided add Ellsbury instead of Crisp and remove Lester from the equation. I'm assuming that any change in the Red Sox offer at this point would have to make it at least equal to the Yankees offer if not better, otherwise why make it? The Yankees cannot upgrade much more since they have already said they will not include Joba Chamberlain or Ian Kennedy under any circumstances, so the question is really who do the Twins prefer: Ellsbury or Hughes? My opinion is that they would prefer Hughes since good pitching is harder to come by and there are some other CF options still out there (Aaron Rowand, Andruw Jones, etc.). But the Red Sox have already decided they can part with Jon Lester since he was offered in the original package, so my guess is that they will be forced to give him up too if they want to land Santana. While that would be a pretty steep price, especially knowing Santana will demand something around $140 million over six years, a rotation of Santana, Beckett, Matzusaka, Schilling, and Buchholz is something that should be too good to pass up.
Let the hating continue.

I also wanted to brag a little bit about Xavier basketball. In case you didn't know we're ranked 23 and 25 in the AP and Coach's poll respectively. Our average margin of victory is 25 points and we have six players averaging double figures. Let me say that again...six players averaging double figures. I know its early but watch out for this team.

The United States will be once again graced with my presence very shortly so check back in the next few weeks and who knows, maybe they'll be another post.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Ohio State is going to sneak in.


Hey Guys!
When Missouri beats Kansas tomorrow night and then loses in the Big 12 Championship(or vice versa) hybn, TOSU will face off against West Virginia in the National Championship game. Do either of those teams deserve to be there? Absolutely not. But who else does? Nobody. TOSU has the 79th hardest schedule in the nation. That's fucking hard. They should be #1 because of all the good teams they beat. The only good team they played was Illinois, who lost the Mizzou by six, Iowa by four, and michigan by six (Chad Henne for Heisman is one of the worst quarterbacks ever and he makes michigan that bad). Who knows how TOSU will fare in the title game.

Maybe I prematurely said WVU will sneak in. We all know how bad the BIG EAST is and they still have UCONN and SHIT at home. There is a pretty good chance they will lose once Pat White gets hurt in the first half. This means Rudy Carpenter still has a chance OHHHH wait no he doesn't, good luck not getting drafted.

Could it be Georgia if they beat the Jackets and LSU? Nah I'll take the GaTech defense in an upset. Let's not go any deeper into the rankings. I am getting into the VaTech, Oklahoma, USC territory and the voters will keep LSU, Kansas, and Mizzou in front of them. So here's the deal. The Ohio State University is already a LOCK for the title game. God hates me and therefore its sold, no arguments please. Who will they play? Who cares. It's too hard to tell.

However teams need to learn something. TOSU has scraped by into the national championship game twice in the past five or six years. So for future reference follow the Bucks plan. If your conference is going to be bad, and your team is going to be bad, just schedule the MAC, and I-AA teams for out of conference. Then hope you go undefeated (thank you Juice) and sit around for three weeks watching teams lose. The Big 12 and SEC have their title games and those usually knock off a good team. Ohio st. does something smart by not scheduling any bye weeks. They don't lose any momentum or rhythm during the season, and when its over they just sit around and wait.

The strong schedule isn't necessary to make it anymore coughirishcough. If teams like Ohio State can not play a single tough team and make it to the big game, then why should anyone voluntarily play anyone with players who aren't mentally retarded. Just hope every other team sucks. 12-0 is always a good indicator to these oblivious news writers.

*if tosu played wvu they will lose. tressel cant stop the spread offense. hes retarded when it comes to stopping blacks. ie vince young, percy harvin, juice willians, tim tebow (black at heart)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Exposing San Francisco and the Seahawk who wishes he lived there

I hope the few of you that still check in here enjoy.

The NFL guys who play out on the West Coast usually don't have to explain themselves to us lazy Midwesterners. We get home from school or work and tend to move only when a pizza man is knocking at the door or when the remote control falls to the ground. Even urinating is an issue. Sometimes I have to trick myself into thinking something really cool or fun is in my bathroom so that I don't pee in my pants. In fact, I've considered adult diapers, but I've got an active bladder, and the extra absorbency I'd require would drive the price up too high; non-commodity items are typically expensive.

As a result of this laziness, we tend to forget to hold West Coast players as accountable as, say, someone like Ben Toothlessberger or Eli Manning. We hear and read more about the east coast guys. When they are struggling, we all know and are very quick to criticize. Other teams out west, like the Cowboys, do get a ton of national media coverage, but for the most part, teams such as San Francisco and Seattle go under the radar.

Well, I'm sick of it. A little accountability is needed. I will not sit back indolently as west coast players get a free pass. The east coast bias works two ways my west coast friends. You can't have your cake and eat it to. (I have no idea what that means or if its relevant to the point I'm trying to make, but it sounds interesting, and I hear it used from time to time in situations that seem a little "double-standardy", so I'm going to go with it.)

So today, I've turned into a bit of a Sherlock Holmes, and decided to expose a few west coast NFL players who have destroyed many a Fantasy League for hard working, honest, American football enthusiasts this year. These guys have floated under the radar for too long and now its time they are properly criticized (or injured if you are one of those folks who is entirely too serious about Fantasy Football.) .To be honest, I am not angered by any of this as I haven't checked my fantasy teams since week 2 (after taking two devastating beats at the hands of Marion Barber), but I know some of my more motivated fantasy brethren are, so I'll bitch on their behalf.

I have to begin with Darrell Jackson of San Francisco. He's been an absolute late term abortion. Jackson has 20 catches for fewer than 240 yds. He is the inspiration for this article. I remember being told how great of a pick this was during my fantasy draft. At first, I thought my jackass friends had convinced me to take a guy they knew was going to suck, but a closer looked indicated that wasn't the case. Jackson was pretty decent with the Seahawks , and was expected to be San Francisco's #1 receiver.

Here's a little description of his 06' season:

Jackson caught 63 passes for 963 yards and a career-high 10 touchdowns last season. He was leading the NFL in touchdown receptions late last season before he missed three games with turf toe.

So this douche almost reaches 1000 yards last year, and doesn't even play during the last part of the season. Now, he's on pace for under 500 yards and has scored one time. Really, Darrell? He should be forced to listen to Mellancamp's "Our Country" on repeat for 2 years straight. Then, everyone who drafted him should get to line up at his house in San Fran and take a dump on his doorstep.He wouldn't care. He's making around $5 million this year. What are the odds of him playing for the Arena League's Colorado Crush next year?

Jackson's teammates aren't fairing too much better. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Frank Gore have combined for around 120 points, which means the entire 49ers offense doesn't have as many points as the top 5-10 individual fantasy performers. This was supposed to be the 49ers break out season, and instead, their kicker, Joe Nedney. has more points than every offense player other than Gore. Vernon Davis wears Under Armor, so I guess he has an excuse, but the others have some explaining to do. San Francisco players, "YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR HOUSE." Now, imagine me screaming this, while wondering why Under Armor has such a ridiculous advertising campaign. You'd have to be on steroids (or painkillers I guess) to enjoy this shit.

The next guy that needs to be mentioned is the fruit cocktail, Shaun Alexander. He's been an absolute waste. I knew he was overvalued, and he's definitely been delivering some beats in leagues across the country. He hasn't rushed for over 50 yards or scored a touchdown in his last 4 games. I'd suggest fantasy owners get rid of him before he gets knocked out for the year. Yes, his '05 campaign was one of the best in NFL history, but he was running behind the Seahawk's left side of the offensive line, so it's a bit skewed. Once Hutchinson left for Minnesota, I knew Alexander would struggle. He still has Walter Jones, but it's not quite the same without #76. Oh, and if you don't believe these guys were instrumental in helping Alexander win his MVP, look at what Purple Jesus is doing up in Minnesota with Hutchinson's help.

Shaun Alexander just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because he sounds like a white guy (a la Tony Gwynn) and can usually be seen smiling and dancing all gayishly on the sidelines. I'm not really sure, but it makes me want to hurt infants and old people (two age groups I generally enjoy). Watch this video. He gives Fr. Jon Kitna a run for his money.

I'm starting to get angry now, so I'll stop. I'll attempt to break down the Travis Henry disaster and take a look at those unpredictable Cardinals next week. Oh, Phillip Rivers isn't good either, but I blame that on Norv Turner. People are always saying "Fire Norv Turner, Fire Norv Turner.", and I disagree with that statement. I don't think he should be fired. I think he should be shot into space in one of those cool rocket ship type things. That way the San Diego front office could avoid some of that weird tension that happens when someone gets called into the office and told, "you're going to have to be let go." Firing someone is awwwkkkwaarrrdd.

Editing is for c-words.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

Fuck you BigLots


Arizona State -7 v UCLA
Ohio State -15 v Illinois
Florida/South Carolina Over 59.5
Dallas -1.5 v NY Giants
Browns +10 v Steelers


Texas/Texas Tech Under 102.5
Miami +49 v Virginia
Kansas -5.5 v Oklahoma St.
New Orleans +10.5 v St. Louis
San Diego +3.5 v Indianapolis


Wisconsin +3 v Michigan
Georgia -2 v Auburn
South Carolina +7 v Florida
New Orleans -10.5 v St Louis
Oakland +3.5 v Chicago


Friday, November 2, 2007

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

I suck, so I'm not gonna waste my time with a single game preview ... plus I'm lazy. Also, it's the Hawks opening night, and I'm too excited to think about anything else. It's actually weird how excited I am. For anyone who bets the NBA, 80% of people are on the Mavs, and the line hasn't budged ... they're winning. On to the picks.


Temple +9 v Ohio
Virginia pk v Wake Forest
Notre Dame -3 v Navy
Redskins/Jets over 35.5 ... I'm gonna be on this huge, Skins defense is being majorly overrated their CBs are in shambles ... again.
Vikings +7 v Chargers


Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Texas/Oklahoma State Under 61.5
South Florida/Cincinnati Under 50.5
Browns/Seahawks Over 46.5
Eagles +3.5 v Cowboys


Oregon -8 v Arizona St
Minnesota +12 v Illinois
South Florida -5.5 v Cincinnati
Colts +5 v Pats (Addai will be pow pow pounding the ball)
Saints -3 v Jaguars


Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Navy +3 v Notre Dame
UCLA -1 v Arizona
Colts +5 v Patriots
Seahawks +1 v Browns

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)

Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.

"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy

This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."

"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy

We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."

"Dude where's your costume?" Guy

So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"

"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy

Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"

"Way too cool to dress up" Guy

These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.

It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Contest

Due to the fact that Buzzsaw was at the Virginia Tech debacle last night (Boston College is trash), I'm filling in for him and posting this week's picks. It's time to update the standings first though.

BigLots 26-14
Guy 22-18
Sammich 16-23-1
Buzzsaw 13-23-4

To sum it up, I'm awesome and Buzzsaw will be taking an entire beer up the butt shortly.

Onto the picks:


West Virgina/Rutgers Under 57
Houston/UTEP Over 74
South Florida -4.5 @ UCONN
Tampa Bay -3.5 vs. Jacksonville
NY Giants -9.5 @ Miami

Iowa +3 v MSU
Ohio St -3.5 v Penn State
Minnesota +23 v Michigan
Redskins +16.5 v Patriots
Dolphins +9.5 v Giants
**BONUS** Bye pk v Notre Dame

UConn +4.5 @ USF
Washington St +5.5 v UCLA
Oregon -3 v USC
Miami +9.5 v NYG in London
Carolina +6.5 v Indianapolis

Vanderbilt -13.5 v Miami (OH)
Ohio State -3.5 @ Penn State
Michigan -23 v Minnesota
New York Giants -9.5 v Miami in London
St Louis -3 v Cleveland

Things That Suck:

I've been in Germany the past week and haven't had access to a computer except to watch the Red Sox but sent me this article so here it is. Enjoy.

My Life:

I try to get things accomplished and end up writing 2 page blog articles. People tell me no when I offer to give them stuff for free. My favorite season, fall, is now 1 week long. It goes from 85 to 50 degrees over the course of three days. I'm down, and have decided I want to be a dog. As I sit next to my sister's dog, Boozer, who has been sleeping peacefully for the better part of two hours, my jealousy grows stronger and more steadfast

The dog doesn't do anything all day. He sleeps, walks around, chews on a bone, and whines when no one plays with him. People watch when he is going to the bathroom, which kind of sucks, but I'd let someone put a leash on me and take me outside to drop my deuce in a heartbeat if it came along with all of the perks of being a dog. No responsibilities of any kind exist for this thing, and he's the biggest asshole in the world. Doesn't have to wipe after shits, farts whenever he feels like it (yep, he just ripped one in his sleep and didn't even notice), and gets to bark (the dog form of yelling at people) whenever he is unhappy. Oh, and if he rolls over, he gets a treat. If I roll over, it probably means my apartment is burning to the ground.

His life seems so simple. Throw in a couple prescription pills, some bottles of bud light, and the ability to bet on the occasional sporting event, and I would accept any offer to become a dog.

The World Series:
After the Red Sox route yesterday, I am beginning to think this World Series is going to be as boring as the others we've seen over the last few years. World Series years '04 and '05 produced little excitement as both were four game sweeps (that is unless you're a fan of red or white sox), and '06 wasn't much better unless you enjoyed watching a Quad A team destroy the offensively challenged Detroit Tigers. The Red Sox seem to be playing on a whole different level since going down 3-1 to the Indians. They have dominated every game, and I don't see too much changing. I could end up looking like an idiot if the Rockies make this thing close (which would be ok because I make myself look like an idiot at least 15 times a week), but I don't see it happening.

Byron Leftwich's Legs:
He is officially the Barbaro of the NFL. The only time you see him is as he crumbles to the ground in agony. His ankles are made of plate-glass. He should be taken out back and put to sleep. I've faded the Jaguars for a long time, and was looking forward to fading the Falcons, so I'm kind of pissed, but whatever, I can't talk about gambling on this siteL

Notre Dame Football:
I've been to almost every home game, and I've left with a bitter taste in my mouth each and every time. My highlights of the ND home game weekends include strippers, explaining the meaning of the word FUPA to my Grandma after I told her Charlie Weis had one, and Jay Morris getting kicked out of the Backer for taking off his pants. Notice none of those highlights include an ND win or anything that would make me think they had a chance against any team that's not playing in wheelchairs. Moreover, the entire college football season has been a letdown on some level.

The Colt/Pats and Manning/Brady Comparisons:
I hope no one else watched the MNF game between the Colts and the Jaguars. Tony Kornheiser didn't go more than 5 minutes before comparing the two teams or the two quarterbacks. It got so ridiculous that I contemplated shutting the game off about 15 times, and would have if I didn't have a little cash on it. Unfortunately, I now hate Kornheiser. I've noticed he can't go more than a few minutes without making some ludicrous comparison that means absolutely nothing. Manning or Brady? Here's your answer Tony; I don't give a shit. They are both sweet. Stop making Ron Jorowski flip coins to decide which one he'd take if he had to start a team. I suggest you take Smarty Joines advice and refrain from watching ESPN for at least a week before the Pats/Colts game that's coming up. They will drive this story into the ground like it's the Super Bowl. (Oh, and I'm willing to lay some serious cash on a bet that involves the Patriots and whether or not they'll go undefeated. It won't happen.)

My Fantasy Teams:
Wow, I have been pretty pitiful. I haven't updated my roster in about 3 weeks. It all started after I took a massive beat in Joines' league. I was up about 35 points to Smarty with only the 2nd half of the MNF game between the Bears and Cowboys remaining. We had shut off the game to start a new episode of Curb (which is absolutely awesome this year and doesn't suck at all.) He called me the next day to tell me Marion Barber picked up his usual garbage second half points and that he had won. I nearly fainted on the phone, felt defeated, and have since vowed to quit all together. I'm really good at quitting things when I get far behind.
My addiction to chew:
Just sad. E'snuff said. (sorry that was stupid and gayish.)

Those are the things, off the top of my head, which suck really, really bad. Goodbye for now.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Just Checking In

I don't have much to say about the ALCS. Except, damn. That was pretty cruel. Any true Ohio fan knows that our Buckeyes are going down to Penn State in Happy Valley on Saturday and that the Rams are taking the Browns behind the woodshed for their first win of the season. After all, when it rains, it pours. That's just how it goes sometimes. I would also like to apologize on behalf of the Indians for denying all of you fans of another Bridesmaid article. I know you were all very excited.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

My New Haircut

I just want to make sure that everyone has seen this video. I mean according to Youtube nearly three million people have, but I figured maybe I could touch one more life by introducing this to you. I don't really like italians, at all. I guess these types of people are called guidos in New York. Wop, Dago, guinea, meatball, I-ties, whatever they are all the same to me. They all love to flaunt the fact that their ancestors that they never knew were from Italy. Another common characteristic is the 5'6" italian with short man syndrome. Common side effects include roid rage, constant need to start shit, dillusion that they are a hardass, and a rash that forms the boot of italy with the country's flag waving through it (aka a tattoo). Usually this rash is seen on the back shoulder or "bicep" but the worst I've ever seen is on the calf. The best ailment for this disease is the constant consumption of pasta and meatballs for the anger and a bath in marinara sauce to get rid of the rash. Scientists are currently looking for a treatment that involves the high percentage of random Yankees fans linked to italian heritage, but are yet to find any results. Oh yea, here's the video.

Friday, October 19, 2007

God Tried

The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.

Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.

So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.

Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

This week's edition will not be a preview, rather, a list of our picks. If you don't like it, then you can suck my balls ... it was my birthday last night, I'm out of it. Let's bully:


UVA +4 v Maryland
Washington +13 v Oregon
Miami FL +5 v FSU
Redskins/Cardinals Over 36
Bears +5.5 v Eagles

Miami OH -5.5 @ Temple
USC/ND Over 45
Ohio/Toldeo Under 63.5
Minnesota +9.5 @ Dallas
San Fran +9.5 @ NYG


Kentucky +6.5 v Florida
Notre Dame +17 v USC
Michigan -1 @ Illinois
Detroit -1 v Tampa Bay
Jacksonville +3 v Indianapolis

Big Lots

Nebraska/TAMU Under 60
Cal/UCLA Under 55
Auburn/LSU Over 42.5
Oakland -1
Dallas -9.5

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rutgers is Gay

I wonder why Rutgers fans thought it would be necessary to rush the field. They just beat the most overrated team in college football history. I guess that's just Big East football at its finest. They need to get excited about one terrible team beating another terrible team. Remember that time Cincinnati was ranked? That was a good joke. Actually the rankings are just a joke. I wish the voters had testicles so they could put the best teams in the top ten instead of thinking "Oh well they haven't lost yet even though they play Turd U. every week."

If TOSU ever played a team ranked above 56 they might lose, but they have the 78th hardest schedule so I don't foresee this happening. This means I get to endure yet another year of "Like, OMG that one ohio team is playing in an important game, do you wanna like... act like we like them so guys think we are cool? I mean we are supposed to like them right? We are from Ohio it's only like what we are supposed to like.... do right? Let's buy matching jerseys! That would be so cute! And we can like wear them around and pretend we are fans and do that cool OH-IO chant. We can totally fit in. This is going to be the best night of my life." Andddd you don't even know what a first down is, god I hate ohio. As long as LSU plays Oklahoma in a bowl game then that will be fine and I will declare the winner of that the true champion.

Kansas is "undefeated" as well. I can name negative three players on the Jayhawks roster, but if I had to guess one I'd say Nick Collison.

Top 10
1) LSU
2) Oklahoma
4) Kentucky
5) BC
6) Oregon
7) Socar
8) Florida
9) USC
10) Notre Dame
107-114) Big East

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Coach Joe Smooth

The following article was written by special guest writer Sockless Dilemma. While I thoroughly enjoyed it I take absolutely no responsibility for it.

Eric Schnupp, Baylor’s offensive line coach was issued a citation at 2:20am at Scruffy Murphy’s Pub (I swear that’s the actual name) for apparently whipping his junk out and urinating on the bar. Evidently workers at the establishment saw Coach Schnupp standing in a mysterious puddle of urine with no one else around. The citation was a class C misdemeanor plus a $258 fine….. But instant drunken gratification….priceless.

I can just imagine what Coach Schnupp was thinking as the night went on…

10pm: Man I’m kinda horny tonight…Maybe I should stroll down to Scruffy Murphs and try to pull some ass…These SportsCenter reruns are getting fucking old…Hmmmmm but I’m all by myself & I have nobody to go out with…Fuck it, I use to pull so much ass back when I was banging at Miami it ain’t gonna matter who I’m with…God, my dick’s getting hard just thinking about it. Alright I’ll go scope out the talent level at Scruffs for just an hour.

10:30pm: Holy shit I look so hot tonight. Man look at all the pussy up in this mother fucker….I bet everyone recognizes me…I’m the offensive line coach at Baylor! Those chicks sitting at the table look so hot...I’m gonna have to work up a solid buzz before I approach those hotties. Bartender get me a tall boy & a couple shots of Jack. I’m so getting laid tonight!

11:30pm: Oh baby you’re soo sexy. I can’t believe I’m talking to this 21 yr old fitness major. I dare you to come back to my house with me tonight. I’m gonna tear it up!! I bet this girl is a freak…I need to order like 4 more Jager bombs…

12:30am: How did I get in this predicament? I went from talking to this fine ass personal trainer to be & now I’m making out with this fat chick in the corner of the bar. Wait maybe she isn’t so bad…N/m. I must be fucking drunk to even question if this chick is fat. Oh well nobody has to know. My boyz from Miami would be clowning me so hard if they could see me now J I’ll do her a favor just this one time..

1:53am: I’m at the end of the bar all by myself. I think people are leaving for some reason. The room is spinning. People are sweeping the floors…What’s going on around here? I thought this was a bar for Christ sake. Uh oh I have to take a fatty piss. Mmmkay nobodies looking…..nobodies looking…Oh my god it’s stinging soo bad. That’s it…Little Eric’s coming out to relieve some tension! Ooohh god that feels so good. Jesus I’m peeing on myself right now & I don’t even care. This feels like that one time I was at this frat in Miami my freshman year. That was so tight. Wow I’m still going……..Fuck there’s a cop looking right at me. He’s coming toward me. Oh lord what do I do? I have urine all over me.. I’m standing in a puddle of my own piss…..Utter denial is the only approach to take. I used to play ball at Miami man……

I know the saying about making assumptions, but I like my version.

ND Ranked in Top-20 of Computer Poll

I’ve been in a blog coma lately, nothing excited me enough to make a post, until now. What could possibly be so earth shattering to motivate me out of my pleasant state of sloth? The BCS, obviously.

There is almost too much to complain about with the present system in the NCAA. How can the human polls unanimously rank Ohio State first while the computer polls rank Ohio State fifth? With such a huge disparity, how can they be equally respected? I’ve always sided with the computers, defending the PCs from naysayers that argued, “computers don’t have a brain … they can’t make rational decisions,” well, neither can Terry Bradshaw and he’s a part of the Harris Poll.

My love affair with the computer polls ended this week; however, when Jeff Sagarin made me look like a fool by ranking ND #18 in his latest poll. Sagarin’s rankings are 1/6 of the composite computer rankings which account for 1/3 of a team’s BCS rating. Here are Sagarin’s most recent rankings:

1) South Florida
3) South Carolina
4) Kentucky
5) Boston College
6) Kansas
7) Ohio State
8) West Virginia
9) Arizona State
10) Virginia Tech
11) Auburn
12) Oklahoma
13) Tennessee
14) California
15) Missouri
16) Virginia
17) Georgia
18) North Dakota State
19) Oregon
20) Florida

Sorry Oregon, Florida, USC, Hawaii, Texas, and, uh, Notre Dame … you are no match for the North Dakota State Bison.

Despite the insanity of this ranking, I think Sagarin might get too much blame for this atrocity. Since the BCS has taken out the “margin of victory” component from its equation, the rankings Sagarin submits have become a disaster while his actual rankings are pretty normal (which includes margin of victory). Which begs the question, should the BCS keep Sagarins rankings in their formula? Or, is encouraging a team to run up the score worse than having North Dakota State ranked in a top-25? The answer to both questions is, obviously, no. The answer to this overall BCS problem is, obviously, a playoff.

Sagarin Rankings

BCS Rankings

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Breaking News: Yankees Set to Make Huge Offseason Acquisition

An unnamed source today has confirmed that George Steinbrenner and the Yankees have plans to undertake a shocking and unprecedented offseason acquisition that does not involve Alex Rodriguez. Apparently the Yankees are going to buy the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

After yet another early postseason exit the Boss was desperate to find another way to use his outlandish spending habits to his advantage. As much as I hate the Yankees, I must say, this is a great idea. The Yankees play the Devil Rays 18 times in a season, so they are essentially buying 18 wins. Not only will it lessen competition within the division, the Devil Rays do have some useful talent on their roster despite the fact that they are somewhere between an AAA and major league team. With an extra 25 man “MLB” roster (stress the quotation marks) the Yankees in essence double their salary cap and get twice as many draft picks. Roger Clemens needs a tune up before making his inevitable July comeback? Send him to Tampa to make a few starts. Perhaps the most brilliant part of the move is that if the Yankees need the Devil Rays to come through in a big series, say against the Red Sox, they can simply trade the majority of their roster to Tampa, take two out of three, and then trade them back to New York.

The only real question is how the Devil Rays players would respond but thus far the attitude has been overwhelmingly positive. “I’m really excited,” Carl Crawford said. “No one likes losing. I’m just going to keep working hard and hopefully I’ll get called up to the major league squad at some point.”

When asked if he thought the insinuation that the D-Rays were a minor league team was a slap in the face Elijah Dukes said, “No, not really at all. I see it as more of an opportunity. But I do like to slap my girlfriend in the face.”

I just wish the Red Sox would have thought of it first.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Bug Selig Has Options

So I have about two off season issues that Bud Selig is going to look at (in my eyes). He already said on "Pardon the Interruption" that he was going to consider instant replay for baseball. Now mainly this is because it was the day after Matt Holiday didn't touch home plate, but as we know instant replay would ruin baseball forever. I don't even have to think that one person wants instant replay because if they do, they aren't American. Really though, how would they do this? The red flag idea? No way. You have to make it something cool like the manager has to run out onto the field, pick up 2nd base and deliver it to the crew chief. Then the umpire has to open a secret door inside the tube they roll the tarp up in. Now inside this tube is a system of cameras where the instant replay will be viewed and then he comes out with his decision. Just a proposal...

The other thing Selig needs to implement is the good old fashioned mercy rule. Remember the days of little league baseball when your team was pathetic and you would get beat 10-0 in 5 innings or 15-0 in four innings? Just think of how funny that would be if it could happen in the major leagues. Umm yea sorry Buddy Belle but you just got ten runned umm the game is over... The fans get to see a half of a game because their team either sucked or dominated. Everyone is happy. There is no reason for another game where the final score is 30-3. Just end it at 10-nil. This seriously needs to be taken into consideration.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

That video made me want to shoot someone

Alright, nothing seems to be working. It's time for me to find a sure thing, these posts have really been getting me down lately. The only thing that can possibly get me out of this rut is ... reverse psychology.

The game? Boston College at Notre Dame. The play? Boston College -13.5 The reason? I can't lose.

I'm really taking this because I want ND to keep the game close since I'll be there, and there's no way I could actually post a correct pick. But beyond that, BC just looks like a good bet. Notre Dame beat UCLA last week 20-6; great win I was very happy, but, if you look at the numbers, the offense was as awful as it has been all year. Notre Dame had 140 total yards. UCLA had 282. ND had 12 first downs. UCLA had 20. Clausen was 17/24 for 84 yards. ND had 0 turnovers. UCLA had 7. And ND only won by 2 TDs.

I love Notre Dame's pass defense, especially Darrin Walls, and I think they will do a good job against an extremely overrated Boston College. I just don't think that the Notre Dame offense can possibly stick with BC, no matter how awesome the defense plays. Was that all convincing enough? BC IS A LOCK!!!

Boston College -13.5 v Notre Dame

BC -13.5 v Notre Dame
Louisville/Cincy Over 65.5
Tulsa/Marshall O 71
Titans +3 v Falcons
Redskins +3 v Packers

Big Lots: TBA

GT +2.5 v Miami
Wisconsin +7 v PSU
Louisville +10 v Cincy
Patriots -5 v Cowboys
Browns -4.5 v Dolphins

Oregon -19 v Washington St.
Cal -14 v Oregon St.
OSU -30.5 v Kent St
Redskins +3 v Packers
Browns -4.5 v Dolphins