Friday, June 29, 2007

Where Are They Now? (Vol 1, #1)

Sometimes you get bored, really bored, and start wondering what ever happened to some people who seemingly had it made not too long ago. I'll start with five, but no worries, I have a list of at least 100 more people. So, next time you might be screaming REEEEMIXXXX.


Where in the world is………..?

1. Carl Winslow:
What ever happened to the beloved dad of Family Matters? His spunk (only chubby people can be spunky), light-hearted demeanor, and moral values can never be duplicated. I, personally, would have been in the looney bin if I had to deal with that nuisance Urkel. He handled himself with dignity through it all and for that reason I ask, where are you Carl Winslow?

Well, Mr. Winslow is currently doing theatre work and has made limited public appearances since his TGIF days. He’s written a couple critically acclaimed plays and that’s about it. Ya, sometimes the answers to our questions are a little melodramatic. I bet you thought it ended with him in some gutter, crack-pipe in hand. Side note: When are the Family Matters DVD’s coming out? (Only the ones before Urkel hit puberty, it got really annoying after that. One last thing, why is every television dork’s middle name have to begin with a Q?

2. Nate Newton:
Nate is the biggest known drug dealer in NFL history. His quote best sums up his attitude about dealing, “"I've always been competitive, I've always been in sports. I couldn't see myself not being the biggest dope man."

Nate’s white van was pulled over on an interstate in Nov of 01’ with over 200 pounds of marijuana in the back seat. Five weeks later, having learned his lesson obviously, 175lbs. were confiscated from his trunk on his way into an early morning Cowboy’s practice. But come on, he had to take his pot to practice, that’s where his best clients were.

The Cowboy’s O-Line was probably the greatest in NFL history and Emmitt Smith is the career rushing leader because of it. Just think how many yards #22 would have if his blockers weren’t higher than a spacecraft exiting earth?

So, I’ve gotta ask, what are you doing now Nate Newton?

Guess what, Nate found God, went “straight”, and renounced his past. He speaks to troubled youth in Texas. So basically, he’s still getting really high.

3. Steven Segal:
Who can forget the fourth best action hero of the 90's behind Arnold, Bruce, Keanu Reeves (Speed, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Hardball, The Replacements, The Matrices Part 1 y Part Deux)? Segal's Under Seige Sequal was an action adventure to behold. His repetrior of karate chops, super kicks, and slick sleek hair make me tingle in my nethers. I just wonder; what's up Steve?

Impressively, Seagal was recently awarded a PETA award for his humanatarian efforts after he prevented the export of baby elephants from South Africa to Japan. Why would Steven be afraid for the elephants if they were shipped to Japan? Simple, he had an encounter with the Japanese version of Cojo.

After winning the awatd, a PETA interviewer asked Segal to provide an example of a special interaction with an animal, Here's what he said: " A dog approached [me] during [my] early aikido years in Japan. [I] felt like [I] had known this white dog forever. After keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned me that his dojo was on fire. [I] quickly summoned help to put out the conflagration. [I] never saw the dog again." What in the fuck are you talking about man? Thats one of the most ridiculous quotes of the past 50 years.

Can you imagine his nightmares? He see's Babar(thanks cheff) get detusked as Air Bud, the Golden Reciever, majestically floats through the air only to get gunned down by a glasses and mustahce disguised Slyvester the Cat. Cold sweats, anyone?

4. Olden Polynice:
Olden is a retired NBA player who played for the Sonics, Clippers, Kings, Pistons, and Jazz. He was an average NBA player during his 15 year career averaging 7.8 ppg and 6.7 rebounds. He never had a career defining moment, but he's had a couple life defining moments more recently. Namely, liking Halloween a little to much. To further explain, I must ask, what's going on Lutient Polynice?

Somehow, Olden obtainted a California state police badge and began driving around Salt Lake City impersonating a cop. It might have worked if he wasn't a 6'11 black man. I'm sure there's a lot of police officers in Morman land that fit that description. Imagine what that altercation was like.

I think it would go something like this: Olden, high out of his mind, starts flashing his fake cop lights and pulls over mid 90's chartruse colored RAV 4 sport package with Ski Rack (ski bunnies). He walks up to the car as the couple inside slowly rolls up the window thinking, "Is that Karl Malone? It's gotta be, he's the only black person in Utah" He proceeds to tell them their under arrest, they say "for what", and he say's "I don't know, nevermind, have a marvelous day in the mountains." He walks away confused, and they drive away unable to say anything for 15-20 minutes.

He was arrested when the "criminals" got his plate number and called the cops. It didn't stop Olden, he was arrested a year later for the same offense. He's not smart. Do it on Halloween, avoid the misdemeanor impersonation charges, and get some decent candy in the process. Makes sense to me.

5. Mark Curry:

Mark, from the famed Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, in the house. He lived with two hot black chicks. One of them mattered Rodney Peete if I'm not mistaken. I remember the show most for its theme song. If you need a little refresher about Mark and the show check out the homepage: Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

The creator of the site makes it clear that its "not an official website" promoting the show. Thank god he told me, I ws confused. I personally enjoy the quotes page, as well as the quiz which tests your episode knowledge. I thought I was a loser, but this guy is making me feel pretty good right about now.

The show aired for five years. Mark and the gang were on top of the world. One could say he was on fire! The last word in the previous setence got me thinking, is Mark still on fire? Well kinda of, just in a different way. Mark, whatcha up to buddy?

I'm sad and so is Smokey the Bear. Here's why: On April 17, 2006, an aerosol can that had fallen behind Curry's water heater exploded and Curry, who was doing laundry at the time, was burned on over 18% of his body, including his arm, back and side. He spent many months recuperating at his home. According to an Associated Press interview posted on on February 17, 2007, Curry considered suicide after waking from a three-day, medically-induced coma, reportedly hoarding pain medication. (from wikipedia)

He was contemplating suicide but Sinbad (ya, he'll be on the next list) made him "laugh", and got him out of his funk. He must not have been that serious about suicide because, if so, Sinbad would have been the last straw, guaranteed.

That's all for now.

Matt Arrowhead


Guy said...

Absolutely brilliant, Daris. I was in tears reading about Polynice-- and most everyone else, for that matter.

BigLots said...

I, for one, was not wondering where Carl Winslow went because I see him every day as part of ABC Family's all-star afternoon lineup which consists of Step by Step, Full House, and Family Matters.

Buzzsaw said...

I, for one, was not wondering where Carl Winslow went because I see him every few days coaching the Cleveland Browns.

Buzzsaw said...

A little known fact about that Olden police impersonation was given in the book "Man in the Middle." Apparently there was a misunderstanding, Olden thought he was pulling over John Amaechi for a little role playing adventure. When he realized his mistake, he went along with the traffic stop hoping not to be outed.

Allegedly, there was an Indian Chief, construction worker, army officer, and biker in the back seat of his 'police car.' Which can only lead one to assume that there was an Amaechi dressed as a cowboy speeding and running stop signs in Utah just begging to get cuffed.

Buzzsaw said...

Lastly, when you say spunky I immediately think of Punky Brewster, and it's not because they rhyme, spunky rhymes with Punky, not the other way around. I think you do have to be fat to be jolly though ... that would work.

BigLots said...

Commenting when you're drunk probably isn't a good idea Buzzsaw.

Medicine said...

He’s written a couple critically acclaimed plays and that’s about it.

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