Tuesday, August 21, 2007

About Time That Herpes Came in Handy

As everyone already knows, Michael Vick has agreed to a plea deal which will send him to jail for over a year, but Vick won’t be going to jail alone. While he may be losing the respect of all his peers, Vick’s got one friend that will never leave him, Ron Mexico, aka his herpes.

Herpes is a lot like that embarrassing (and itchy) friend that you avoid as much as possible. Even though you don’t like them you know that, when shit goes down, they’ve got your back. Vick’s always been embarrassed of his herpes, he used to keep it a secret. Back in 2003, for example, when he didn’t tell his friend Sonya about it before he sexed her. Now that he’s in trouble, with no one else to turn to, Vick will be telling everyone about Ron. Like when he meets his roommate, I bet it’s the first thing they talk about. Vick’s speed won’t help him avoid being penetrated in a small cell, herpes is the only thing that can save his anal virginity.

Sure, there’s gotta be a large portion of the prison population that won’t be deterred by an STD, especially those who’ve already been tainted or those with life sentences. If I had a life sentence, I’d be sticking my dick everywhere, electrical outlets, mashed potatoes, who gives a shit? You’re dying there anyway, might as well figure out how every vegetable makes your penis feel. Vick should be alright with the average prisoner, but would be wise to avoid the D-Block.

The other burning question doesn’t involve herpes at all, it’s asking what Vick will do after his release from prison. The Monday Night Countdown guys seem to think he’ll make it back to the league, but I’m not so sure. The NFL’s rules would be pretty out of whack if they don’t allow a guy with a drug problem in Ricky Williams to play, the most peaceful player in the league, but allow a guy with a dog fighting problem back in. So I’m going to guess that Vick will be playing football after jail, but, like Ricky, it will be a little further North in the land of the misfit football players, aka the CFL.

When he gets released, the CFL will never be the same, Vick will surely break records and win championships. The CFL field is about 12 yards wider than an NFL field making it even easier for Vick to dominate (albeit there are 12 players on each side). But why stop at the CFL, the entire country of Canada will be changed, have you ever seen a moose fight? It will fuck you up. I’m not kidding, they’ve got gigantic antlers that get stuck in inappropriate places, they lose control of their bowels when they fight, shit is flying everywhere … it’s a disgusting sight. His impact on Canada should rival that of Doug Flutie and his Flutie Flakes.

This will be my last Vick article for a long, long time. He and Lindsey Lohan’s imminent prison stays are going to make my head explode.

Special thanks to Guy for the CFL picture


Daris said...

hahah very funny. i bet a lot of prisoners actually wouldnt mind if their victims had herpes. theyd get a nice little break in the medical ward if thats the case.

Guy said...

His scrambling ability will soon be gone, as he will be walking funny for the rest of his life. Then, he'll just be Mike Vick, pocket quarterback. That's no fun.

mjenks said...

If this was your last Vick article, I must say, it's a good way to close out an epic.

And, he won't just be Mike Vick, pocket quarterback. He'll be Mike Vick, Stretched-out Pocket Quarterback.

Perhaps he'll be the new face of prostate exams.