Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Beano Cook Disciples,I Apologize: '07 Heisman Breakdown

We are less than two weeks away from the start of the college football season. Before Mark May, Lee Corso, and Lou Holtz can begin slowly terrorizing your soul and everything else you thought was right and good, I present you with the top Heisman candidates for 2007. (Beano Cook believes Jimmy Clausen will win 5 Heisman Trophies, starting this year, but he is really old and senile and smelly, so I’m going to breakdown the contenders for this years’ top college football award without his input.)

Top Quarterback Prospects:

John David Booty: His name is almost as annoying as Pete Carroll’s slow ascent to the top of the “Biggest Jackass of All Time” list, but he’s pretty good and surrounded by a butt load of Grade A talent. Booty’s numbers last year were very impressive, passing for 3,347 yards. He had a completion percentage of 61.7%, 29 TD’s, and a QB rating of 144.01. His team is ranked #1 in every preseason poll, and with the exposure the Trojans now receive on a national level, expect to see him sitting in New York for the 2007 ceremony. (Three of the last five Hesiman winners have come from Southern Cal.)

Brian Brohm: A weak Big East, a stacked Louisville offense, and a huge junior year all suggest that Brohm will be part of the 2007 chase for the Heisman. Louisville will most likely finish the season with double digit wins, and Brohm is coming off his FedEx Orange Bowl MVP award where he passed for 311 yards.
He’s part of the famed, but now debunked “Derby City Duo”, which included legendary EA Sports 2006 NCAA College Football star Michael Bush. Bush is now playing in the NFL, so the newest version of the Derby City duo consists of Brohm and Barbaro. Hopefully Brohm, who has battled knee problems his entire career, won’t see the same fate as the now euthanasia-ended horse of Kentucky fame. (Wow, can you imagine if we put injured college football quarterbacks to sleep. Michael Vick could be looking at a new gig post-federal ass pound.)

Colt BrennAn:
I don’t know much about Colt, other than the fact that I hate his name and know his parents are pompous assholes. Seriously, who names their kid Colt?

Colt has the most impressive statistics, and plays out in Hawaii, which in terms of talent is equivalent to an Idaho Pop Warner league. Accordingly, he has a chance at putting up some pretty ridiculous numbers in 2007.

His 2006 season looked like this:
5549 yards
72.6 completion %
58 Touchdowns
185.96 QB rating

He might be as overrated as Hawaiian bread, but he’s positioned himself quite well. I’m pretty sure Donny Kaczarowki, my neighborhood ”All-time QB”, didn’t ever put up stats this ridiculous over his 5 year reign at QB, so I'm thinking Colt has a chance.

Why? Well, you see Donny won our version of the Heisman every year; which I thought was unfair as I was the one catching most of his perfectly placed fades into the back of my neighbors’ pumpkin garden. Subject matter for another column I know, nonetheless, the comparison does suggest that “Baby Horse” does have a chance at garnering some Heisman support.

Top RB Prospects:

Darren McFadden: McFadden is really good. I mean really, really good. He just needs touches, and help from the rest of his team. Many top candidates fall by the waste side every year when their teams fail to perform. The Razorbacks will face a loaded SEC schedule, and winning enough games to merit Heisman consideration could be a problem. McFadden is a freak of nature, has a mom named Mini Muhammad, and drives a ridiculous car that would make Darius Miles jealous. Suffice to say, he has everything it takes to win the Heisman this year. Look at his 2006 numbers if you don’t believe me, Mini could be prophetic a few months from now if she predicts her son will win the Heisman. Hell, his ’06 numbers suggest he has a shot.

In 2006, despite a slow start due to a dislocated toe from an off the field incident at a night club in Little Rock, McFadden rushed for a school-record 1,647 yards, scored 14 touchdowns, and threw for 3 more touchdowns on just 9 passing attempts, becoming a first-team All-American.

McFadden was named 1 of 3 finalists for the 06’ Heisman Trophy, along with Troy Smith and potential Hall of Famer Brady Quinn

McFadden is a pimp. I’d say he was the favorite, but he has an Irish last name and is black. This annoys me to no end, so I’m not giving it to him just yet.

Steve Slaton: Slaton is a pussy. He pulled the “I hurt my arm” injury after turning into a big ole’ fumble fest at Louisville last year. I was so pissed at his bitch out because it cost WV any shot of winning that game. They would have been lined up for a BCS game if they pulled it out. I’m not a WV fan, but I hate it when people pull Kobe’s after they mess up in life; to me there is nothing more annoying.

I have to include him on the list though, because the Mountaineer backfield is tops in the country, and with Pat White’s help, I can see the duo tag teaming the weak Big East; both literally and figuratively. Not since the days of “Famous” Amos Zereoue have hopes been so high for a WV Heisman candidate. But Amos finished 10th in Hesiman votes following his 97’ campaign, so Slaton better hope his ’07 season is better than Amos’ garbage nickname, or he’ll be an afterthought.

Michael Hart: My Michgan bias comes out here in full force, but Hart has the tools, and the offense to back up a Heisman run. He has been one of the most underrated players in college football the last few years, and is it just me, or does it seem like he’s been at Michigan forever? As long as Henne doesn’t fuck up too bad, and the rest of the offense remains healthy, Hart might be sitting in New York. Hart, unlike Lloyd Carr at times, has a grip on what he’s doing. He’s never lost a fumble in 3 years at Michigan. There needs to be some type of award giving out for that.

His 2006 season looked like this:
1562 yds
4.9 yards per carry
14 Tds

Top Wide Receiver Prospects:

De Sean Jackson: De Sean is fast as shit. His 40 time has been clocked at 4.29. He is a threat every time he touches the ball, and other teams in the PAC 10 should be very afraid. I don’t know why he’s not playing at USC. I was under the assumption that every freak of nature west of the Mississipi went there. Cal should compete this year for a PAC 10 title, and with a little more recognition, this guy could sneak up on some people.

Check out this little ditty about his 06’ Season:

Coming into his sophomore year with high expectations, Jackson displayed more of his talent and playmaking ability tallying 1,060 receiving yards and nine touchdowns. He was also a constant threat to return any opponent punt into a highlight reel touchdown, taking four returns for a score and averaging 19.2 yards per a punt return - best in the nation. He was voted All Pac-10 first team as both a punt returner and a wide receiver. Jackson also garnered national recognition with selections to first team All-America

If you still don’t believe the hype, check out this clip and judge for yourself:

Mario Manningham: Last, but certainly not least, is my boy Mario Manningham. He showed flashes of brilliance last year, including the ND anal rapping, and his numbers are a little misleading because he injured himself in that ND game. He’s actually most known for his game winning catch against Penn State that prevented Joe Pa from playing for a national championship, but he was huge in ’06.
As mentioned already, Michigan returns their entire offense, and as long as Chad Henne doesn’t make me stop believing in God, Mario should have a monster year. He was receiving double and triple team coverage last year, and still wasn’t able to be stopped.

Here are some states from ’06 (He only played in 9 games):
38 Receptions

703 yards
18.5 yards per catch
9 Touchdowns

Here are some of the beats he has laid on DB’s across the Midwest:

So there you have it folks. I look forward to the comments. Beano Cook, I am coming for your old ass with Ron Pawlus, who seeks reparations.


Guy said...

Manningham always has that river A on the way.

Nice breakdown.

mjenks said...

Manningham and Hart don't stand a chance. They only play ONE game against Notre Dame this year.

Buzzsaw said...

You probably know more being in Big East country, but the Big East is loaded this year. It's as strong as they've ever been with Louisville, West Virginia, Rutgers, and South Florida.
I loved the Famous Amos reference, I saw him play at Navy, he ran for over 200 yards. It was awesome.
I like Jackson also, he's going to benefit from the fact that kickoffs will be moved back 5? yards this year, meaning more return chances for him.

Daris said...


the big east is "loaded" because they get to play eachother and they all suck. i've been to a couple UofL games, and the talent level is no good.

Rutgers will be garbage, WV doesn't have a defense, and Louisville's defense is suspect as well(not to mention theyve got a new head coach).

Throw one of these teams in the SEC, Big 10 (even though its down), or Pac 10, and I bet they'd be middle of the road. The Big East's bottom 4 are atrocious. Dont get me wrong, I've started rooted from the Cardinals a bit, but their conference is jokes.

jackson is sweet. I've really been trying to keep my analysis simple. I am not aware of the new rules change, but it sounds cool. Im just starting to study up on the 2007. I dont have much money to lose, so those occasional -300$ weekends just won't cut it anymore.

Not sure how good this site is, btu check it out:

you'll enjoy

Zan said...


You disregard buzzsaw's comment since he claims the Big East is 'loaded' then turn around and say that they all 'suck.' Yes, they all play each other, what major conference doesn't do that? Last time I checked, USC, played 9 in-conference games, but no one claims that they because they are playing a lot of Pac-10 teams...who also only play each other, I think it's your logic, and not the Big East teams, that infact, 'suck.'

Anonymous said...

It's Slaton, jackass.

Anonymous said...

pretty sure steve slaton is the WV RB and pat white is the QB, not steve slayton and paul white

Anonymous said...

Manningham had 18.5 ypc

SEC owns

Anonymous said...

PJ Hill had better (slightly) numbers then Hart last year and I expect the same this year. I think PJ has as good as a shot as Hart but whoever wins that game will probably be the big ten's best shot at the heisman.

Daris said...

1. wow, West Virginia fans, I've reserved a spot for you at the '07 player hater's ball. Buck Nasty has nothing on you.

I didn't disregard Buzz's statement about the Big East. I think he's wrong. I think the conference is weak, and I presented by case.

He thinks the conference is loaded beacause of their talent. I think the conference is merely perceived as loaded beacuse its so weak from the #4 team down.

Zan Says:
"Yes, they all play each other, what major conference doesn't do that? Last time I checked, USC, played 9 in-conference games, but no one claims that they because they are playing a lot of Pac-10 teams...who also only play each other, I think it's your logic, and not the Big East teams, that infact, 'suck.'"

I think its your logic that might need a little help. No shit the confernce teams all play each other. My point is that the teams USC will face in the Pac 10 are tougher then the teams WV, LOU, and Rutger's will face in the Big East.

It's about the talent difference in the two conferences; the Pac 10 is superior. I guess you forget that many people have been up in arms about USC's BCS rankings the last few years because the Pac 10 is negatively perceived by the biased east coast media.In all actuality, the conference has proven itself time and time again, so its pretty safe to say its very strong.

2. Sorry about the Slaton/White errors. I guess you guys are doubling as the grammar police as well.

Please forgive me, I wrote the article at 4am on no sleep. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, you meanies!Check out the article, its updated. Now, my old high school english teachers can stop tossing and turning in their sleep.

Tie goes to the runner, and I like running, sooooo....


Daris said...

anonymous #100,

you are right about PJ Hill. I didn't throw him on because the U of M Hospital might toss my birth records if I put a Wisco RB on the list instead of a guy from Ann Arbor.

The Last Rockies Fan said...

Colt Brennan would be the Heisman front runner if he still played for CU.

Unfortunatly he was kicked off the team for breaking into a girls dorm and 'exposing himself and fondling her' while she was a sleep.

Daris said...

hahaha ok, i like Colt now. Who hasn't busted into a college dorm room drunk with his junk hanging out? Come on, this is 2007. The fondling is a little excessive, but we all get a little too jacked up every now and again.

I thought you could get away with anything in Boulder?

Anonymous said...

I think the expression is "by the wayside", not "by the waste side".

Anonymous said...

I think the expression is "by the wayside", not "by the wasteside."

The Last Rockies Fan said...

Not since Neuheisel left.

Daris said...

Damn it, another error. I need to stop typing at 4am, you double
postin' buster.

In my defense, the tearm "wayside" means "The side or edge of a road", which is where trash is usually collected. So perhaps, just maybe, I meant to say wayside, but was momentarily confused.

Shit , I didn't put this in word to edit it before publish. I am nervous.

I do find it funny that you are now going through my article to find grammatical/phrasing slip-ups.

Send your resume here:

A cab driver in Chicago told me he was instructing a course online, and with your grammatical prowess, you're a "shoo-in". Wow, I bet you didn't even know that one.

sammich said...

i happened to be taking a shit while reading this one and just want to say that as i peer down into the toilet it seems to resemble the big east's "big three."

Daris said...


thank god I finally have a level headed person who understand what I'm saying.

I could not have summed up my feelings about the Big East conference any better than you if I had tried for days and days.

Don't get too full of yourself though; any poop reference is pure gold in my eyes.

Anonymous said...

Weak Big East?

Pull your game together man. They're the second best conference in the country.


Buzzsaw said...

2/8 players on your Heisman list are from the Big East ... it's not SEC, but who is? I'd say the Big East is definitely better than the ACC, this is as stacked as they've been since VT, BC and Miami left.

Daris said...

haha, based on what?

West Virginia is the only team who's non-conference opponents have a winning record,; barely at (32-31).

I'll bet Pitt starts out their season 6-0. Is that possible in any other conference in America?

The size of the league, and the losses of Miami, VaTech, and BC a while back don't help. They are still rebuilding.

I'd really like to know if you're a fan of one of the big east teams, or if you're arguing objectively like me. I think the conference is getting stronger, but that doesn't mean they are one of the powerhouses.

If you really think UofL/WV lose only once or not at all in the PAC 10, SEC, or even the depleted Big 10, you are out of your mind.

sammich said...

The little east only has two solid teams and saying solid is very generous. Rutgers is terrible. Mike Teel will never have a positive TD:INT ratio. Yea okay their game is run based but Leonard is gone and he was HUGE. UL has Brian Brohm. Oh and that other guy. Wait no.. Brohm is the team. I'm not saying UL won't do well. Personally I think they will be in the Nat'l Title game but the only reason is because I think they will end up beating WVU. That does not justify that the big east is a good conference.

Let's say Louisville joined the Mountain West, you would probably claim it to be the 2nd best conference as well. Fuck, retards. The big east is just a conference where a bunch of individuals go to show off their selfish talent for pro scouts.

To sum it up the big east has two teams with potential of making a BCS bowl. The rest fucking suck and will beat each other up to go no where.

Guy said...

Hey anonymouses (anonymi?),

Guess what? Typos happen. If you are marinating yourself in that too much, you're going to miss a very good/humorous article. Your loss.

DARIS YOU MISSPELLED COLLEGE FOOTBALL IN LABELS!!! how did all of you miss that one? Rookies.

Daris said...

shit, guy you're right.

I'm retiring from blogging, blame it all on the WV buttholes.

I'm off to play some collge fooball on PS2.


Buzzsaw said...

WVU and Louisville are ELITE teams, Rutgers and South Florida are both top 20 teams ... from there it gets shaky like every other conference. I don't know what else to say, Louisville could definitely go undefeated in the ACC, first of all you don't play anyone but if they did, they'd definitely be favored in every game except for VT and FSU depending on who's home. There's nothing else I can say, two potentially top 5 teams plus two top 25 teams. That's enough I'd say to declare them a more than solid conference. I'm not saying their the best, haha.

Buzzsaw said...

If someone wants to bet against the Big East somehow, throw something out ... I'm willing to throw some money on this somehow, shockingly.

Monty said...

"I'll bet Pitt starts out their season 6-0. Is that possible in any other conference in America?" So you're saying that nobody in the country will go undefeated this year? Kidding. I get it.

But on to my two cents: the Big East has to very good teams (WV and Louisville), three pretty-good-but-not-great teams (Rutgers, South Florida and maybe Pittsburgh) and a bunch of tomato cans. But that line-up is better, pound-for-pound than the ACC, and the top two match-up favorably against the top two of any other conference save the SEC. Or maybe the WAC, if the timing's right.

ken intheD said...

Yeah mjenks, lets see Penn State, OSU, and Wisconsin aren't better than Notre Dame???? You must be a domer to believe the irish r better than any of the above mentioned.

Notre Dame, its not the 1930's anymore and Charlie hasn't done sqwat!!!