Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Live Blog: ESPN Fantasy Draft Special

I guess this will be my contribution to Log’sBlog’s (so many apostrophes) tradition of live blogging. My sport of choice? Fantasy football. ESPN held their Fantasy Draft Special last night, in which, they rounded up the best football minds their network had to offer, Steve Young, Chris Mortensen, Jerry O’Connell? Yes, Jerry O’Connell or, as you might remember him, Charlie Carbone from his most famous role in Kangaroo Jack. Jerry actually has a new movie coming out that I’m pretty excited about, Cat Tales, IMDB gives a riveting plot summary, “Rover is a cat who has grown up in Dogtown by accident, and voyages to Catopolis to find his roots.” Jerry O’Connell’s presence is only like the 15th most ridiculous thing about this program. Let’s get right down to it.

The Cast

Host- Trey Wingo

Analysis- I love the pick, he’s one of the only tolerable hosts ESPN has left.

Analyst- Merril Hoge

Analysis- Someone please pick Vince Young, PLEASE

Analyst- Matthew Berry

Analysis- A respected fantasy ‘expert,’ but he’s really, really annoying.

Draft Order-

1) Chris Mortensen
2) Jerry O’Connell
3) Steve Young
4) Mark Schlereth
5) Sean Salisbury
6) Nick Bakay
7) Cato June
8) Michael Smith

Round One

Mort- LaDainian Tomlinson

O’Con- Steven Jackson

Young- Larry Johnson

Mark- Frank Gore

Sean- Laurence Maroney

Bakay- Joseph Addai

June- Peyton Manning

Smith- Carson Palmer

Round 1 Analysis

Best Pick- LT; fantasy football isn’t fair.

Worst Pick- Carson Palmer; Michael Smith is a dumbass. Berry did not appreciate it, “This is a terrible pick”

Funniest Moment- Nothing too exciting to start, UNTIL, Berry starts talking about how you should wait on Peyton Manning, because points … running back … blah blah, but he ends with a HILARIOUS joke. “By the way, uhhh, the Irsay’s called me and, ummm, asked me if I thought Peyton Manning would still be there at one, and I told them I thought he would be, so yea, I suggested that, yea.” -Akward Silence- That was hilarious enough, but Wingo’s reaction took it out of the park, “By the way, somebody called me and said let’s end those jokes right now, for the rest of the show,” hahaha, BURN … Wingo’s presence is already paying off.

Best Advertising- “Peyton Manning joins us now courtesy of Direct TV’s NFL Sunday Ticket Super Fan Package.” I’m not sure that seemless advertisement is gonna be beaten, they leave you wanting more. I’m a Super Fan if I buy this? Does it come with face paint? How much is it? These are all questions you ask yourself that can be easily answered by calling 1-800-DIRECTV.

Round Two

Smith- Marvin Harrison

June- Thomas Jones

Bakay- Travis Henry

Sean- Rudi Johnson

Mark- Shaun Alexander

Young- Willie Parker

O’Con- Reggie Bush

Mort- Willis McGahee

Round 2 Analysis

Best Pick- Shaun Alexander; great value Mark.

Worst Pick- Thomas Jones; Smith is no longer eligible for this category, he clearly has no idea what he’s doing. For some reason Wingo loved this pick, “Well, Thomas Jones a very solid pick by Cato, he obviously did his homework.” The only way he actually did his homework is if Thomas Jones did it for him. His average draft position is 28th, but he just went 10th, ESPN is awesome.

Funniest Moment- Thirty-nine minutes into the broadcast, they accidentally cut to Jerry O’Connell and he’s dancing. The producer tells him, he stops, and makes the cutest looking guilty face. I really wish I knew how to move videos from my DVR to computer.

Best Advertising- Not much advertising this round, but I think I saw O’Connell pawing at the camera during that dance, thus promoting Cat Tales … he gets the nod here.

Round Three

Mort- Mark Bulger

O’Con- Antonio Gates

Young- Brian Westbrook

Mark- Tory Holt

Sean- Cedric Benson

Bakay- Chad Johnson

June- Steve Smith

Smith- Roy Williams

Round 3 Analysis

Best Pick- I’m done with this portion of the analysis, this draft is soo fucked up, I don’t know what to think. Just assume Bakay’s pick is the best from now on, he’s won this league two years in a row.

Worst Pick- Cedric Benson, just awful, 21st pick in an awful, awful draft. I’m done with this portion as well.

Funniest Moment- Nick Bakay and Steve Young get into a bit of an argument after Bakay takes a shot at Cato June for willingly choosing to play for the Bucaneers. Young defends June because of the Bucaneers change in uniforms (I don’t understand either) but here’s where it gets funny. Bakay responds with, “Ok so you’re a big fan of pewter, what does it all add up to here?” Young’s brilliant retort, “It’s on the way to Pluto.” What the fuck is happening??? It doesn’t end there, Young starts talking about how he sang with Bon Jovi and gave a stirring rendition of “Shot to the Heart” … I’m not making this shit up.

Best Advertising- O’Connell advertises San Diego Charger season tickets, he gives a shout-out to his homies in section F-32, he’ll see you next Sunday.

Round Four

Smith- Marion Barber III

June- Edgerrin James

Bakay- Drew Brees

Sean- Jon Kitna

Mark- Tom Brady

Young- Donovan McNabb

O’Con- Maurice Jones-Drew

Mort- Javon Walker

Round 4 Analysis

They’re really starting to pick up the pace here, we’ll stick to the picks and funniest moments. Even ESPN doesn’t have enough time to cross promote during five minute rounds.

Funniest Moment- Sean Salisbury inexplicably used the phrase Seacrest Out. He butchered the hell out of it, which is difficult since it’s only two words, but he was bitching out Micheal Smith by saying, “OUT … Seacrest,” a shocking development. I hope everyone watches this show at some point.

Round Five

Mort- Deuce McAllister

O’Con- T.J. Houshmandzadeh

Young- Reggie Wayne

Mark- Larry Fitzgerald

Sean- Terrell Owens

Bakay- Andre Johnson

June- Marques Colston

Smith- Adrian Peterson

Round 5 Analysis

Funniest Moment- Sean Salisbury offering to trade Terrell Owens for Jerry O’Connell’s wife Rebecca Romijn-O’Connell? Afterwards, Wingo called Sean out for practicing that line all day. Who the hell knew those two were married?

Best Nickname- Merril Hoge just gave Adrian Peterson the nickname “The Cashier” because he’s gonna make everyone pay … nice one.

Round Six

Smith- Vernon Davis

June- Jeremy Shockey

Bakay- Donald Driver

Sean- Calvin Johnson

Mark- Clinton Portis

Young- Lee Evans

O’Con- Anquan Boldin

Mort- Randy Moss

Round 6 Analysis

Hoge continues to mention “the Cashier” I’m absolutely loving it.

Funniest Moment- Jerry O’Connell reveals who the hell Nick Bakay is … he was the voice of the cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Wow, another shocking discovery. By the way, Bakay came back with a joke about Kangaroo Jack.

Best Advertising- “Remember you can play fantasy football for FREE on” I could have used that every round, I guess.

Round Seven

Mort- Kellen Winslow II

O’Con- Chicago Bears Defense

Young- Plaxico Burress

Mark- Tony Gonzalez

Sean- Santana Moss

Bakay- Todd Heap

June- Baltimore Ravens

Smith- Jason Witten

Round 7 Analysis

Funniest Moment- Just the unbelievable picks that are being made here, Jason Witten was just taken over Chris Cooley, Todd Heap, and Alge Crumpler. Witten had one touchdown last year. Ronnie Brown is also still available, and we’re going into the 8th round; they play three running backs, this whole thing is a joke.

Round Eight

Smith- Deion Branch

June- Julius Jones

Bakay- Ronnie Brown

Sean- Chris Cooley

Mark- Hines Ward

Young- Marshawn Lynch

O’Con- Reggie Brown

Mort- Fred Taylor

IT’S OVER!!! Thank god. How helpful was that? We got a great example of when not to draft the best players in fantasy football. The draft was so shallow that they didn’t even get to sleepers. That was a tremendous waste of my time. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this. This is what we learned, like, the only things we learned:

1) Bakay was the voice of the cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch

2) Matthew Berry is not funny

3) Jerry O’Connell is married to the model formerly known as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

4) Michael Smith is a complete dumbass

Get me out of herrrrreeeee


Daris said...

shockingly, i knew all four of the points you mentioned. nonetheless, very good stuff.

Buzzsaw said...

Fine, did you know that Bakay was also the voice of Norbert on "Angry Beavers"??

Daris said...

lol, no i did not.

Daris said...


Anonymous said...

Bakay also played one of Elaine's boyfriends on Seinfeld. It was the episode with the body odor that attaches itself to Jerry's car.

Anonymous said...

Michael Smith, the Complete Dumbass, won the whole hting last year for this ESPN crew.

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