Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Ohio Bridesmaids: We Care about "Who's Now"

Not again, and not ESPN. I’m beginning to think this is some kind of sick joke.We’ve already documented the 2nd place finishes of the Ohio State Buckeye football and basketball teams, as well as the crushing defeat of the the Cavaliers at the hands of the French flag waving Tony Parker and his Spurs. Next, came the loss of the Columbus Destroyers in the Arena whatever you call it. However, we thought the insanity was over until the Cleveland Indians made an improbable run to the World Series only to suffer a loss to whichever NL team plays poorly enough to sneak in. (I won’t even begin to touch on the rumors of Michael Vick’s planned midseason raid of the Dawg Pound.)

Now, we find out that Lebron James is facing Tiger Woods in ESPN’s “Who’s Now” championship. You’ve got to be kidding me. Lebron navigated through his tough bracket defeating Kelly Slater, who’s nickname in the bracket was the fitting “Who’s That”. I think she may have been in Playboy, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. In the semifinals, Lebron took down Shaquille O’Neil, setting up a match-up with ESPN’s “King of Swing” Tiger Woods. We all know how this one is going to end.

I’m pretty sure Tiger doesn’t lose unless he wants to. One would be foolish to assume he’s not going to do everything in his power to ensure victory, even if that means skipping his preparation for the PGA Championship to vote for himself 1 million times over the next day. Hey, the guy is an absolute nut. So, the trend will most certainly continue regardless of any attempt by Stuart Scott to sway the vote with his “Boo-Yahs” and “Cooler than the other side of the pillow’ references during Lebron’s highlight package.

We were beginning to think that Ohio, the bridesmaid, would eventually get her chance. I guess that’s not the case. Ohio is like the really fat, ugly bridesmaid who lost her shot at getting married a few too many twinkies ago. The state of Florida crushed any Ohio State Buckeye title hopes, and now it looks like one of its residents will do the same. It’s unfortunate, a “Who’s Now” victory would have completely made up for the other crushing Ohio defeats. Wait, not at all, but it would have been a start. A really, really small and annoying start.

Damn, Lebron even played second fiddle to Kimmel at the ESPY’s.

(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment. All information contained above came from Guy who was attending a concert and had no internet access.)

5 Comments:

Buzzsaw said...

I want to say "if I read another 'bridesmaid' story I'm going to throw up on my computer." But I can't because the pain I feel reading these has to be felt tenfold by fans of Ohio sport. Let's pray that Lebron breaks this curse. It will be a great ending to the "Who's Now" series, just because the most "Now" athlete isn't in season and the last memory we have of him was getting his ass rocked in the playoffs.

Katie Lin said...

Just a little "Who's Now" fun fact...the song that ESPN chose to open up the segment is an ESPN special remix of "Big Things Poppin'" by T.I. According to T.I., the song is about "talking to these people who say things and can't back it up. You know how some people say, 'Money talks and bullshit runs a marathon?' I'm saying the equivalent of that."
Pretty sure this is a set up by ESPN to rip on LeBron, since he obviously has nothing substantial to back up his success, unless you think an Eastern Conference championship t-shirt is the be all end all.

Matt Jenks said...

Hopefully for the state of Ohio, there is a sporting-world version of Leo Windler out there.

Who is Leo Windler, you might ask?

Leo Windler was this big Fred Flinstone-looking dude I went to college with. His philosophy was that, no matter what event he attended, he was always going to go talk to the fat chick standing in the corner because "you know she's there to fuck."

God bless you, Leo Windler, wherever you are.

Buzzsaw said...

Wow Jenks

Daris said...

lol jenks