Saturday, October 13, 2007

Breaking News: Yankees Set to Make Huge Offseason Acquisition

An unnamed source today has confirmed that George Steinbrenner and the Yankees have plans to undertake a shocking and unprecedented offseason acquisition that does not involve Alex Rodriguez. Apparently the Yankees are going to buy the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

After yet another early postseason exit the Boss was desperate to find another way to use his outlandish spending habits to his advantage. As much as I hate the Yankees, I must say, this is a great idea. The Yankees play the Devil Rays 18 times in a season, so they are essentially buying 18 wins. Not only will it lessen competition within the division, the Devil Rays do have some useful talent on their roster despite the fact that they are somewhere between an AAA and major league team. With an extra 25 man “MLB” roster (stress the quotation marks) the Yankees in essence double their salary cap and get twice as many draft picks. Roger Clemens needs a tune up before making his inevitable July comeback? Send him to Tampa to make a few starts. Perhaps the most brilliant part of the move is that if the Yankees need the Devil Rays to come through in a big series, say against the Red Sox, they can simply trade the majority of their roster to Tampa, take two out of three, and then trade them back to New York.

The only real question is how the Devil Rays players would respond but thus far the attitude has been overwhelmingly positive. “I’m really excited,” Carl Crawford said. “No one likes losing. I’m just going to keep working hard and hopefully I’ll get called up to the major league squad at some point.”

When asked if he thought the insinuation that the D-Rays were a minor league team was a slap in the face Elijah Dukes said, “No, not really at all. I see it as more of an opportunity. But I do like to slap my girlfriend in the face.”

I just wish the Red Sox would have thought of it first.

2 Comments:

Daris said...

hahaha log, you have ventured into the realm of unadulterated satire.
I wasn't wholly sure the write-up was a joke until the very end; partly because Steinbrenner is crazy enough to pull something like this, but mainly because I am a F-Tard.

I used to say "bravo" here, but suddenly I realize that word is really gay, so I'll just leave it at "well done".

(Fake Elijah Duke quote +1)

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