Friday, October 19, 2007

God Tried

The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.

Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.

So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.

Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."