Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Longest Post Ever

FYI, we're going to try to get this thing going again. We're going to try to have a few more contributors and see what happens. I suggest you have low expectations--I wouldn't want any of you to be disappointed. ;) Log

Some things never change. One of those things is my propensity to write outlandishly long blog articles, another is my temper. I'll talk about my temper first, and by the end of this article you'll need no convincing that I like writing too much. The other day I strolled into a liquor store in sunny California to buy a small bottle of Jameson and a six pack of Fat Tire (which is the greatest beer in the world). Well, my bill totaled $35.03, and I had two twenty dollar bills on me. As I handed my two twenties to the guy working behind the counter, I asked him if he could cover the three cents himself or wait until someone left some change in the tip jar to add to his
drawer, so that I wouldn't have to be handed .97 cents in change. (Change should be done away with for ever, or given all to me, so I can put it in my 40 ft x 40ft Piggy bank that'll I'll one day have to break with a wrecking ball.) I thought this to be a reasonable request and as he rung up my items without saying anything, I was under the assumption that my requested favor
would be granted. So, suffice to say, when he handed me back $4.97, I was a bit perturbed. I proceeded to dump the change onto the counter and walk out of the store. He called me a "dick", and I just put up my middle finger as I walked out. The power of the middle finger is something to behold, especially after a guy calls you out. To be honest, I was having a shitty day, and was looking for a verbal altercation, but come on now, was this guy kidding? One has to be a pretty big jackass to refuse giving away a few cents for the greater good. I plan on going back to his store and dropping a "poopy" dollar on his liquor floor somewhere. He'll pick up the dollar and
be a littler richer for it, but he'll soon realize that he has poop all over his hands. Anyway, a lot has happened to a lot of people in a lot of places since I last wrote anything on a blog, so I'm going to do a quick rundown of what's been on my mind (in relation to sports) over the next couple of days. (No need to do a double take, I actually did say a couple of days.) As you may have gathered from that first paragraph, I did move to California, so I automatically started drinking 6 Expressos a day and talking "real chill bro." In all seriousness, as I've said to those who actually, for one reason or another, speak with me on a regular to semi-regular basis, this place is exactly the same as South Bend, Indianapolis, Louisville, Bloomington, and any other place I've taken up residence in for an extended period of time; only that there are mountains here which make it very difficult to run, and sometimes (not always) people think their shit is a little better to eat than do most people who are living in the Midwest.

*I must regress for a moment just to remind all that shit is never good to eat, if you don't
believe me go to 2girls1cup.com and enjoy (or don't go there if you are on a work computer and want to keep your job.) Oh, and I don't like pompousness unless it's being exposed, and the person who's dishing it out is being embarrassed in the process." (*I just submitted the sentence in the above paragraph that began with "In all seriousness" to the Guinness Book of World Records for longest and most confusing sentence of all time. I like my chances.)**

I'd talk more about my personal life, i.e. my love life, dreams, and/or ambitions, but reading about that topic is more painful than hearing, or even worse smelling, one of your grandma's farts, so I won't force you gregarious and affable young people to partake in my ever growing repertoire of self-deprecating one liners. Instead, I will bore you with talks about "Pretty Boy" or should I say Floyd "Money" Mayweather, Tim Tebow, the NBA, the ridiculousness that is college bowl season, Michael Vick, that football team from the New England area, Roger Clemens, an old lady who thwarted a robber with the power of Jesus, and the only Christmas gift on my wish list.

Floyd:

Mi historia comienza en barra por completo del mexicano aquí en Los Ángeles. I've never, ever (100% pure Columbian sarcasm) been a guy to say "I told you so", so I won't say it, but know that I am implying it with that last line. I watched the Floyd Mayweather vs. Ricky Hatton fight and it played out exactly as I had suspected. Hatton was undersized giving up 4-5 pounds and a
5-6 inch reach to PBF, and he performed quite well for being so overmatched. I wasn't as surprised as Hatton had more fans in the stands (probably 3-1) than Floyd. By the middle of fight week, Las Vegas turned into Manchester as thousands of Brits made the trek across the Atlantic to root for their national hero. By the time fight night came around, I was actually worried that the Western part of the United States would be invaded by a Calvary of angry Brits, looking for some revolutionary revenge. They drank and sang and danced and brushed their teeth sparingly, all the while trying to will Hatton to a victory with their unwavering faith and support. But you see, reality couldn't care less about feel good stories or happy drunk Brits. It doesn't care that Hatton's victory would create the closest thing to a real, in the flesh, Rocky Balboa (who I must remind Philadelphia folks isn't a real person.) So basically, Hatton was screwed because in real life Rocky gets his ass kicked by Apollo Creed 9/10 times, and that Russian guy in Rocky IV probably rips Rocky's head off and uses it as a chaser with a shot of Vodka.

Of course Hatton had a "puncher's chance" which is always the case in boxing, and Floyd seemed willing to abandon his brilliant defensive skills to mix it up with the feisty little Brit for the fist few rounds, but eventually Floyd's size and obvious skill advantage were just too much. I
wish I had a recorder in between rounds 9 and 10 because I told my buddy Lucas that Floyd would be knocking Hatton out in the 10th. (Ego boost) He had hurt Hatton around 10-15 times with big rights and sweeping left hooks in the middle rounds, and I sensed those shots had taken too big a toll on Hatton. As Hatton moved forward for his last time, Floyd caught him with a
big left hook that sent Ricky off the ropes and onto the canvas. I stood up amongst my new Mexican friends, and for the first time ever, was rooting whole heartedly for PBF. Well maybe not wholeheartedly as I selfishly wanted my new born prediction to be proven true, but I was definitely surprised that I had his back even if my support was motivated partially by egotism.
Hatton got up, but it was for naught, as the ref, Joe Cortez, stopped the fight just before Floyd sent Hatton to the ground with one finishing flurry of straight rights and big lefts.

On Log's Blog, a long time ago, when Log still hadn't left for Europe and the blog was still operating, I wrote that I wouldn't watch the fight. I was glad that my hypocrisy was in full force by the time the fight rolled around because I would have missed out on a spectacular battle if not. Next on the agenda for Floyd is, you guessed it, retirement so that he can focus on becoming a promoter. Reading in between the lines and judging by Floyd's past retirement claims, I'll say he's fighting again within the year; probably against Cotto if Top Rank keeps pushing Cotto, and he continues to prove himself as a big draw for those PPV sharks.

*One a quick side note, you would have been amazed at some of the racial shots the Mexicans were throwing out at Hatton. When he came to the ring, more than a few of my Mexican-American compatriots were yelling "Go back to your country." I had never seen a minority group of Americans so thoroughly harass a European, which made me shake my head as I realized that this goliath "us against them" mentality exists even in the places were it seems
to defy logic most, but that is for another article that I'll never write, so back to the rambling.*

Floyd had taken a lot of heat from boxing fans and insiders for his inability to produce an action packed fight. He was known as "Floyd Mayrunner" to many, and in this fight he proved he could stand toe to toe with a fighter. I'm not as impressed with his attempt to provide his fans with more entertainment because I believe he knew was in a different league than Hatton. Anyone will stand up and fight a guy who doesn't possess his skill level or size, but that's entirely different and much easier than fighting a big and ready Welterweight like Cotto. Hopefully Floyd will put himself at risk against Cotto, which only happens if Mayweather thinks there is enough money in the fight. Anyway, I'll congratulate Floyd. I think the little guy is starting to grow on me. I can't believe I just said that and will have to stop typing for 15 minutes as I just placed myself in time out.

Heisman Trophy:

Ok, I'm back and done talking about boxing for awhile. My next area of emphasis will be on the Heisman Trophy race. Let me start by saying a couple things. I have my Google search bar up to make sure that all spellings contained below are correct, and I won't get into any conference strength arguments because my back is sun-burned, and patting it would only lead to discomfort and inflammation. I truly feel bad for Dixon, Oregon (quack, quack), and McBread, who all took a horrible beat with one massively tweaked knee. Maybe I'm being naïve, but the Ducks seemed like the best team in the country, and something tells me they would be playing for a national title if one of the 500 black people in Oregon didn't happen to be their injured
quarterback. I've hit a few roulette wheels for a pretty penny back in the day, but nothing that is paying 150-1. It's just so painful.

Anyway, when Dixon went down with his injury, the Heisman race opened up considerably, and almost instantly Darren McFadden, Colt Brennan, and Tim Tebow became the leaders. The quarterback from Missouri was also considered, but really, everyone knows that the only thing good to come out of Missouri (which I can't spell anymore for some reason) over the past 10 years is Nelly and his group of Lunatics (oh, and I'll include Hot Rod as well). I feel like I don't have to mention Bud Light because that's actually not produced in Missouri. Jesus makes that in Heaven and because he doesn't want people to freak out, he sends it to Missouri first before distribution. Anyway, it was a three horse race, and I started to believe McFadden might have taken the lead down the stretch with his ridiculous performance against LSU. He rushed for over 200 yards against (arguably) the best defense in the country. However, Tebow's number were equally as impressive, and I think he was deserving of the award.

Congratulations to Tim Tebow, who won the Heisman trophy. Fortunately, I didn't watch that ridiculously long and drawn out presentation, but I guarantee two things:

1. He thanked God.
2. He was one of the only celebrities or athletes, who upon receiving an award, actually meant it when he said "I'd like to thank God." Rumor has it he's a good Christian American.

As you all know, he was the first sophomore ever to win the award. Playing in the SEC and breaking the all-time touchdown record (I think) is unfathomable, and the three loses Florida had during the year have to be put in perspective as that conference is the best in America.

As I mentioned in my misspelled Heisman candidate article before the beginning of the year, McFadden was hurt by Arkansas' record. If his team would have lost 3 games, I'm pretty sure he would have won the award. Across all 10 teams in the SEC, only 12 total games were lost outside of conference play. Going undefeated in the SEC is as unlikely as me not making an AFL
team if I decided to try out at one of their regional workouts.


NBA:

I am slowly falling below the poverty line and will be looking into Welfare here soon enough. Consequently, I haven't been able to watch many NBA games as we don't have cable at our house out here in California. I watched the start of the season while I was in Indy, but since then, my NBA viewing has been extremely limited. I do know that Boston is on a torrid pace, and should finish the season with around 60-65 wins (assuming none of the "Big Three" get hurt). The team is performing at a level that is so far above the rest of the Eastern conference its ridiculous. I just hope Paul Piece can stay away from any knife fights, and Ray Allen can avoid that little rat Bruce Bowen for the rest of the year because barring any big time injury,
they should be a joy to watch the rest of the year.

Doc Rivers has been granted a stay of execution and will be able to avoid that "black guys can't coach in the NBA" label for a couple more years. Think about it, I really can't name more than a handful of successful black NBA coaches over the past few years. Avery Johnson is the one big name that comes to mind, but his mouth is as big as a canoe, and he sounds ridiculous, so I can't take him seriously. Isiah Thomas has single-handedly destroyed the New York Knicks, and isn't even shrewd enough to suppress his blatant sexism. I mean, I am the biggest male chauvinist in the world, but even I reserve the "Women don't need to wear watches because there are clocks on stoves" joke to situations were I am desperate for a laugh. He called the woman who was suing the Knicks for sexual harassment a "black bitch" and a "ho". I'm sure he was right, but come on now! He'd be fun to have at a boring Christmas party as he would certainly create some sparks and probably end up getting a drink dumped on his face by some drunk girl saying "How
dare you disrespect women like that", but in a court of law, on the witness stand in a multi-million dollar lawsuit, you might want to lie through your teeth and deny the accusations.

I also heard that LeBong James has missed around 5-7 games with a sprained finger. The Cavs lost a majority (if not all) games when he was out. I think Lebron should stop being such a pussy. I don't need any Cleveland fans telling me that his injury was serious, and he needed to sit out. I played a few games in elementary school with a broken wrist, and I was completely
fine. Oh, and I am probably the biggest pussy in the world. Without Lebron, the Cavs are probably the worse team in the NBA (and NBDL).

*Sidenote:*

*A couple weeks back Page 2 of ESPN had a poll up, that asked fans what they
would most like to see happen to a city of **Boston** sports team. The three
choices were as follows:*

*1. The Steelers beating the Patriots*

*2. Johan Santanna being traded to any team other than the BoSox*

*3. Garnett blowing out his knee.*

*Only 4% of this dumb ass population voted for the Garnett knee blowout, but it suggested how angry the sport's world is with the **Boston** areasuccess. I can understand people's frustration with the Pats and Red Sox, but the Celtics haven't done anything meaningful since the 80's. The 90's were a disastrous decade, and they were forced to deal with Antoine "Shimmy" **Walker** for the 2nd half of it. Now, voting for a 'Toine knee blowout is
one thing, but Garnett is too nice for such vindictiveness. *



BCS

The BCS is like the biggest c-word you know. It's stupid, pointless, and should be fixed before I have to take matters into my own hands. Over the course of the next 3 weeks there will be a bunch of meaningless games that are played and watched by fans for absolutely no reason at all. I look at every game other than the national championship contest as some kind of bizarro exhibition. Most of the teams haven't played for 3-6 weeks, so they are rusty and unable to perform at the level they ended the season at. Moreover, most of the games aren't rationally thought out leaving almost no good rivalry-type deal thingys. Indiana is playing in a bowl game (not sure which one) out in Arizona, what???( Someone wasn't paying attention in their United States Geography class..) Pitting the third best team in the ACC against the 4th best team in the Big 12 makes as much sense as Don King audio clip. Nobody cares. I am really angry about this. I don't have enough money to gamble these days, so the aforementioned pointlessness of this shit has caused me extreme duress (funny word). My buddy found me curled up in the fetal position the other night crying. The "curled up in the fetal position part" is normal, but the crying was due to the bowl schedule.

Before the advent of the BCS, some of the bigger bowl games had National Title implications. A Big 10 team playing out here at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena would be vying for a shot at the title against one of those dirty Florida schools who were playing in the Orange Bowl. This always led to an exciting finish to the season as most of the games were played on the same day. Now, I have to watch Kansas, Missouri, Hawaii, West Virginia, and some other bullshit teams play with nothing at stake. I'll need some Percocets and brandy to derail the boredom.

*Sidenote 1: The championship game might actually be decent. I know LSU is one of the best teams in the country, and I'm interested to see what OSU can do. Senator Tressell will take some major heat* (see sidenote 2) if he gets murdered for the 2nd straight year in the national title game. *

*Sidenote 2: I have been forced to switch to an even more ghetto brand of "heat" (chew to those who aren't hip to be cool) since moving to **California**. A tin of Skoal is around $7.99. I bought a tin at this price when I first got here thinking that there was some secret treasure waiting for me when I opened it. Being logical, I thought that was the only way something that gives you cancer and only lasts for 1 day could cost so much.To my surprise, there was no little treasure chest at the bottom of the tin or a miniature Genie in the bottle who was willing to grant me three wishes. Had there been, I would have asked the Genie if I could wish for the same thing three times, and if (s)he said yes, I would have immediately said "No cancer, no cancer, no cancer." (Not funny at all because my gum lines are so tore up that I actually cut my bottom lip earlier today on a frosted lemon cookie at Albertson's Grocery Mart.) I'm now chewing "Longhorn", which costs around $2.25 out here, so I'm thinking the people who make Longhorn
actually pay people to use their product out in the **Midwest**.*

My clock in California reads 3:31am right now, so the article is getting a little ridiculous. I apologize. I need to regroup for a few hours. I'll commence this shit show again tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick:

This story came out at the same time that many of you thought I actually murdered an innocent, but obnoxious, dog. Perfect timing if I do say so myself. I am glad I actually didn't kill the annoying pup because it looks like our criminal justice system is really cracking down on animal cruelty. If I had killed the dog, I would have classified it as more of a hate crime because I'd only kill certain dog breeds, but I guess the justice system sees it differently.

Vick was sentenced to almost 2 years in prison for running of an illegal dog fighting operation. He was electrocuting poor puppies that weren't performing well in their matches. Deadspin posted Vick's letter to the judge that is asking for leniency in his sentencing. Some famous athletes also wrote to the judge on Vick's behalf, including Hank Aaron and George Foreman. Aaron's letter was very well articulated and thoughtful. Foreman's letter, on the other hand, was one of the most asinine things I've read in a very long time (probably because I haven't done too much reading in a very long time.) Here is an excerpt from the beginning of his letter:

"Dear Judge Hudson:

I'm a fulltime minister at the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ in Houston, Texas, former two-time Heavyweight Champion of the world, and known all over the world as the king of the grills because of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine.

But the real story is that as a young boy I prowled the streets of Houston, TX as a thief, and a teenage mugger until one night while trying to escape the police, I laid in a hole and covered myself with mud from a busted sewage pipe under a house so that police dogs couldn't sniff me out. I made it home that night all stinky and filthy from the sewage and I promised
myself that I was going to be a better person...."

Ok, I have a few problems with the letter good ole' George wrote.


1. I almost wanted to cry when he shamelessly plugged his Grill Sets like he was on a damn late night infomercial. He should have started his letter by saying something like " I am owner of Geroge Foreman Grills, the leading grill manufacturer in the United States." Instead, he tries to sell the judge a couple grills as stocking stuffers for the Holiday season.

2. His story about evading the cops is probably going to get him arrested. You know some old fart out of the Prosecutor's office in Houston Texas just re-opened up a case from around 40 years ago that had long been forgotten about. George is probably fleeing the state of Texas right now to avoid those who are seeking him out, with warrants in hand. I love George to death, but gosh, he sure as hell is an idiot. The judge will probably give Vick a few more months in jail because of the sheer stupidity of the letter.


The sentencing of Vick by the Fed's was one of the quickest in history andsets a precedent for all of those people who still think there is nothing wrong with dog fighting. If I remember correctly, many big time past and present football players came out saying that they had been to dog fights and thought it wasn't that big a deal. (Primetime Deion Sanders and Clinton
Portis both come to mind.) Well, I guess the Fed's saw it differently, and now Vick faces almost two years in prison and two years away from the football field. I won't be shocked if he's back in the NFL in a few years, but this fiasco has already cost him millions in endorsements and any chance at being a pro-bowl player again.

I guess he tested positive for marijuana while he was on house arrest waiting for his trail, and told the judge he was so depressed that he didn't know what else to do. Immediately after saying all of that, he expressed to the judge that he was a changed man. A changed man, huh? I guess it's the type of changed man who can't resist smoking pot even though he's sure that
he'll be drug tested in the next few days. This guy is a damn idiot, and if you read the letter he wrote to the judge, you'll quickly see that he didn't have any part in writing it initially. Sadly, I was able to find some grammatical errors in the letter, which means his attorney is also a dumbass or (more likely) that Vick can't even perform the simple task of copying something onto another piece of paper. I can see him being handed a pen and a letter he has to copy and looking at the person who handed him the materials, saying "What hand am I supposed to use when I'm doing this?"



New England:

I hate them, but they are good. I pulled up some stats on their offensive production from this year, and some of their numbers are astonishing. They are on pace to break every major team offensive record in NFL history. Moss and Brady have been lethal all year long, and last time I checked they were 1-4 or 1-3 Super Bowl favorites. I wonder if a team has been this big of an
odds on favorite to win a championship in the past 20-30 years. Don't get me wrong, I have many a problem with a few members of this organization, so I'll quickly list those people and my problems with them before I continue stroking them.

*Tom Brady*: My hate for him started after I saw him wearing a beret and some gay looking feather type thing (I don't know what those things are called) after embarrassing a team in week 7, 8, 9, or 10. (I didn't see much commentary on how ridiculous he looked on the intrawebs, which shocked and saddened me a great deal.) He looked like he had just been done with a photo shoot for some metro magazine. Dressing nice and stylish is one thing, but
looking completely g is another. I guess I'll just come out and admit that I am completely jealous of him. He's dating one of the top 10 hottest women in the world (IMNSHO). He's won three Super Bowls. He impregnates hot women and then dumps them when they give birth to his children, and he gets to cuss out his offensive lineman, who are all 2x bigger than him, when they jump offside in the 4th quarter of a game the Patriots are winning by 35 points. If this isn't your dream as a male, slowly walk into the bathroom and make sure you have this weird looking thing that dangles between your legs because you might be missing something downstairs.

*Bill Belichick*-No, I don't have a problem with him because he cheated, but I have a problem with the way he's dealt with getting caught. In order for you to fully understand my position, I'll have to explain to you why this issue hits home with me so much. I was the ultimate cheater for, well, as long as I can remember. Not big things, but tests and an occasional push-off in basketball were quite common for me back in the day. I see no problem with these things as both are necessary for someone as lazy and unmotivated as I can be at times. I was caught cheating once in my 15 yrs of uh, cheatery, when a high school accounting teacher set up a sting operation with some "goodie two shoes" girl in my class. She basically switched out the answers on a couple multiple choice quizzes so that I would put the wrong answer down for all 50 questions. I was disappointed in myself for getting caught, but I didn't turn into a brash and arrogant prick when I did.

Billy B has acted like he has a point to prove to the NFL even though he's the one who got caught. I do this same type of thing when I get in arguments and fights with other people (i.e. acting all pissy and getting people to apologize to me even though there's a good chance I'm in the wrong), but for some reason when someone does it on such a grand scale, it really pisses me
off. The bottom line is that he was using video to cheat against other teams in the league. Instead of being a man and admitting to his mistakes (this is a pretty serious conviction), he is acting like he did nothing wrong. He is one of the best coaches of all time, and I respect him a great deal, but I would like to seem him be a little more subtle with his "f* you NFL and
everyone. I am going to prove to you that I'll kick every teams ass without cheating" mentality. When you get caught in life, you should admit to your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. Bill, I'm disappointed in you and stop wearing that hoodie before I drive up to Foxborough and take a #2 on it.

*Teddy Bruschi*- I hate him because he looks like a transformer, but more so, because he pronounces his name "Brew-ski", when it obviously should be pronounced "Brew-shay" or "Brew-shey". I know it sounds cooler if it's pronounced the way he says it, but where would we be if everyone was at liberty to pronounce their name whatever the hell way they wanted to?
Certainly, unfettered regulation of name pronunciation would lead to chaos and riots in the streets. Oh, and one more thing about the name: after the age of 22, anyone who goes by the name of Teddy should drop the"dy" from the end of their name (case by case basis of course but this holds true 90% of the time. Wow, Ted has a lot of work to do.

*Randy Moss*- I actually find Randy Moss really funny, but I'm pissed that he underperformed for the last few years. He is the most gifted receiver of all time, and his lack of effort meant that I missed out on two years of ridiculous catches. However, I do find it extremely funny that he sounds like a white hick from Alabama.

Ok, now that I'm done with all of that, I'll just quickly state that I think the Patriots are going undefeated and winning the Super Bowl. They are truly taking all of this personal and Tom Brady is so insanely competitive it's ridiculous. That fact, on top of Belichick's genius coaching, almost guarantees a Super Bowl victory. I don't seem them sitting Brady or Moss if they are 14 or 15-0. In some ways, I think this undefeated season is just as important to them as a Super Bowl. They definitely have their priorities out of whack, but it sure is entertaining to watch.

Roger Clemens:

This is for Log (welcome back). How exciting was it when he was named in the Mitchell investigation? For a couple years now, I have been saying that Clemens is on 'roids. I mean how else would it be possible for a guy to put up the numbers he has at his age (cough Bonds)? Going back to my long Bond's article I wrote when he tied the home run record, I remember saying that Bond's had been unfairly singled out by the media because he was a "bad guy". Clemens, on the other hand, was a media darling for some reason. Even though he's never been the most outgoing or available guy, ESPN and other major media ride his cock like it's some super roller coaster that gives you magical powers if you hop on it.

I sent Log an article that was linked for Deadspin a few days ago that broke down his performance each year after having something shot into his butt (and no, not I'm not talking about Andy Pettite's special sauce.) Here are Clemens' statistics from 1998 after he supposedly roided up for the first time.

- 1998 Stats, before July 12: 9-6 record, 3.55 ERA, 119 IP, 47 ER (shot
up in June)
- 1998 Stats, after July 12: 11-0 record, 1.71 ERA, 115.2 IP, 22 ER


Your honor, the prosecution rests it's case. The article goes on to show more supposed connections between his steroid use and performance. If he's not finally shamed into retirement after these findings, then we'll all know he's a big time asshole. For years, people were calling him the greatest pitcher of the last 20-30 years, and perhaps even ever. Those like Tom
Glavine, Greg Maddux, and Randy Johnson were placed on the back burner as Clemens continued to further separate himself from the rest of the elite pitchers. I just hope he wasn't juicing this year because he was absolutely atrocious and his salary, when looking at his performance, was probably the worse in baseball history. Knowing how the media typically deals with it's darlings, Clemens will probably get a free pass and get into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. I really don't give a shit though, he embarrassed himself enough this year, and this put the icing on the proverbial cake. In 15 years, Clemens will probably weight 300 pounds, have a mullet, and still be collecting 5-10 million a year from the Yankees.

*Sidenote 1: Andy Pettite (admitted) said that he used HGH in 2002, while on the DL and recovering from an injury. I'll just remind everyone now that HGH was not on baseball's list of banned substances when he used. I've seen some internet boards asking the question: "Should Pettite be suspended?" Well idiots, I think I just might have the fucking answer and it's NO! If
Gatorade is banned as a performance enhancer next year, should Bud Selig suspend the entire league? Literally, anyone who answers yes to that question should receive a wet-willy from the dirtiest person they know. I can't keep talking about this because it's as annoying as taking a piss that stings because some soap got in the ole' pee-hole.*

*Sidenote 2: Fernando Vina was also named in the Mitchell Report. Maybe this will be enough to get him off Baseball Tonight. Unfortunately, they don't make steroids that help people make a coherent sentence from time to time because I'd definitely be for that. Fernando Vina was garbage with steroids and probably wouldn't make a women's dykeball...I mean softball team, withouttheir help.*

92 Year Old Women:

This story, from the weird and whacky chronicle, definitely takes the cake for funniest of the year. In Memphis, TN a woman was robbed at gunpoint in her car outside of a Walmart. If I hadn't read the store, I would have assumed that she was leaving a convention center after attending one of those 'Antique Road Shows', so I'm glad my confusion was cleared up. Anyway
the women, named Pauline Jacobi, refused to give the robber her money.

She reads her bible everyday (and was obviously hopped up on something). She told the man that she wasn't going to give him the money, and as he persisted, she said "no" three more times. He then told her that he was going to kill her, to which she coolly responded, "As quick as you kill me I'll go to heaven and you'll go to hell. Jesus is in this car and he goes with me everywhere I go."

Almost immediately, she says, the robber broke down in tears. I just don't understand how some religious babble by someone even normal senior citizens would consider "a little too old to be useful anymore" could actually make a grown man cry by telling him he would go to hell if he killed her. I mean the man obviously knew the lady was old as hell when he approached her,
jumped into her car with a gun, and threatened her life for money. All of this wasn't enough, but the simple line "You'll go to hell" scared the shit out of him. I would have laughed in her face and said "Granny, fork over the damn cash before this car gets messy."

Just joking, just joking. I think this is an absolutely great story. The man said he was going to go home and pray later in the night, but Pauline told him that he didn't have to wait to pray. He then said he would start praying right away. She ended up giving him $10, and told him to go on his way. She relayed this story to friends and somehow the police caught wind. Supposedly, the police don't really give a shit if this man was "saved" by Jesus after good ole' Pauline witnessed in that Walmart parking lot. They are still looking for him, and if you have any information leading to the arrest or indictment of this man, please call the Dyer County CrimeStoppers at (731) 285-TIPS. Haha, Pauline doesn't want the cops to pursue the case, but they are going to do it anyway. Stories like these always remind me of why I love cops so dang gone much :-)

My One Christmas Wish:

Punch the most annoying person you know in the face. (I am going to actually try to make my own wish come true. When I drive back to California after New Years, I will be heading to Dallas to punch Terrell Owens in his face.)

I know everyone has somebody they absolutely despise. Maybe it's that person who spells ridiculous like this: rediculus. Hell, I can think of about 100 people who almost fit the bill. I'm probably that person for at least one person reading this blog. So if you see me over Christmas, and have the urge to punch me in the face, do it. Just know that you will be fulfilling my
wish, so in all actuality I'd be the winner. Wow, funny how things work, huh?

Ok, that is it for now. I hope you were able to follow my random rants, musings, and rambles. Everyone have a great Christmas, be safe, and remember to where protection only if you have a "quick trigger", and can't get out in time. When I die, I hope I can at least be the Devil's #2 guy. Hey, you have to start thinking long-term when you know, without a doubt, that you are
going to hell.

Editing is for c, t, f, b, and d words. Everyone send me a Christmas card (w/ 5$ in it).

45 Comments:

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at least i have my reading material for taking shits now for the next 5 months

Daris said...

good to hear sammich. Wireless is necessary if only for it's usefulness while dumping.

In fact, I wrote about half of that article on the shitter. Only weird thing about the situation is that I wasn't even pooping while writing it. I just find I do my best thinking while sitting/squatting with my pants around my ankles.

Funny how that works out, huh? I'm not sweating it.

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