Friday, July 13, 2007

What to Expect Today

With nothing relevant going on in the sports world yet again I find myself with nothing to write about today. As I learned from the poop I just took, sometimes its just not good to force it. Besides, I'm taking a half day anyway. So unless Daris pumps out another podcast there won't be anymore posts until Monday. Have a good weekend.

Morning Cast

Here it is.

The morning Podcast is quite long and somewhat boring. If you aren't interested in listening to me rant and rave, I'll give you a quick rundown via words.

The picture is of the "supposed" serial killer in TN. Ya, I'm pretty sure they need not do anymore investigating. If he's not a serial killer, I would have to seriously start questioning everything I've ever known to be true.

I found out that Mark Cuban has put in a bid to buy the Cubs. Supposedly, the cost will be around $600 million dollars. I guess Cuban has finally realized that the Mavs, for whatever reason, will never win a championship, so he's deciding to buy the team that hasn't won a world series since 49 B.C. Ya, I just pulled the old B.C. joke. What are you gunna do, sue me?

Big Papi has a torn meniscus and says he will wait until the season is over to see whether or not he needs surgery. He, as well as other die hard Red Sox fans, hopes the season doesn't end too soon. The Yanks are bound to make it interesting, they always have since I was wearing diapers (that was still going on in 1996). I hope the Sox can hang on. I don't usually jump on one side of the Yanks/Sox argument, because honestly, when it boils down to it, I don't give a shit about either of the teams. Saying all of that, if I HAD to choose one team or some knife carrying looney would "cut off my johnson", (Big Lebowski joke, but couldn't really think of a way to spell that in broken German/English and get my point across" it would have to be the Red Sox. I just wish they wouldn't have won the World Series after their ridiculous comeback against the Yanks. I loved rooting for them. They had a nice blue collar vibe. I'm giving off a different kind of vibe with comments like that, but nonetheless, ya'll get my point. (I say ya'll now because I live in Kentucky.)

I also mention a little about A-Rod and his decision to wait until the end of the year to decide his future. Obviously, A-Rod is going to say "Piss off ya darn yankers" (I don't know what that means or whether or not I was attempting to be funny there) if they don't at least make a deep run in the playoffs. I think he is fed up with the Yankees and the spotlight. I know I am going to take heat for that, but would you want to be the most analyzed and watched figure in New York? I don't think I would take any amount of money to be under that kind of spotlight. Well, that's a huge exaggeration, as I said I would chop off both of my feet for 10 million dollars no more than 2 weeks ago, but you get the point.( I don't really need feet though. If I had 10 million, I would just watch DVD's all day.)

Ichiro is set to sign a 5 year 100 million dollar contract with Seattle. I am soo freakin' jealous, not only because of the money, but because I'm not a walking ridiculous quote machine like Ichiro. (I make the "ICCCHHHIIIRROOO" noise every time I sneeze and people look at me funny. They say god bless you, but it sounds more like a question: “God…bless….youuuu?? " which means 1. They are completely confused, and 2. I am a huge jackass.)

Becks and Posh landed in LA today to swarming media coverage. ESPN had a ridiculous quote up in the article bya 15 yrd old girl who said, "It was sooo awesome. He looks even better in person then he did in the magazines." Thumbs up ESPN for another job well done. Quickly, I sounded very critical about Beckham's arrival to the States on the podcast, but I'm not disgusted with him. I am angry with the way the media covered the event. He is good for soccer in the states as long as this doesn't become one bad walking celebrity joke.

Yi still hates the Bucks and his challenge of an "eenny meeny minny mo" contest still stands. Kohl, president of the Bucks, is trying to figure out what approach will work best for this strategic game. (I give some advice in the podcast)

A guy is counting to 1 million. I don't feel like linking it because it’s stupid. Supposedly, he wants to donate the money he makes from this endeavor to charity. I don't know what money he is talking about, but I have a feeling that most charities will just say "ah, we're not interested at this time." Getting turned down by a non-profit organization is like getting slapped in the face by a really timid toddler.

I then go on to talk a lot about boxing, so if you do decide to listen to the podcast after getting fired up by all of this unbelievable content, but aren't interested in boxing, you might want to fast forward right when you hear the word "Margurito".

The last few minutes of the podcast are entertaining I think. I divulge the #10, on the ‘10 Things I Hate the Most’ list I am developing. The rest of the list will be finished over the next few days.

That's all for now, and this article was for you Log. I know those people over at the Tirerack can really crack the whip. Here is something that will make your day, that is if Youtube is accesible from your workstation: Jeter and A-Rod sitting in a tree. Hope you enjoyed, and remember a mutiny is only a couple stellar podcasts away.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

"Race War's on everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down!"

On Saturday Night, shit will go down, as Antonio "Tijuana Tornado" Margarito and Paul "The Punisher" Williams will represent their respective races in a battle for top minority group in the United States. African-American’s have had a free ride for too long, these Mexican-Americans have been scrapping and clawing their way across the border for years, and finally have a chance to prove their worth. There has been a lot of talk about "the US being Spanish speaking in 100 years," but that’s all talk, if the Mexicans want a shot at the whites, they’re gonna have to go through Paul Williams.

Beyond its racial implications, this fight marks the start of the unification of the Welterweight division. Margarito, "the Most Feared Man" in boxing, holds the WBO crown and will be fighting "the Most Feared Mandatory" in boxing, Paul Williams. He is a mandatory opponent for Margarito in his defense of the Welterweight title. Margarito has been ducked numerous times by top welterweights, namely Floyd Mayweather (now a super welterweight titleholder). Pretty Boy is once again accepting a lesser fight in Ricky Hatton, rather than taking on more worthy opponents in Mosley, Cotto, or the winner of this fight.

This will be the biggest match of each fighter’s career. Margarito’s record stands at 33-4 with 24 KO’s; his biggest fight to date was against, then undefeated, Kermit Cintron who now holds the IBF Welterweight title. He knocked Cintron down four times, knocking him out in the 5th round. His most memorable fight, however, was probably his bout against an overmatched Sebastian Andres Lujan; Margarito’s KO nearly took his ear off, the ear was dangling off his head when the fight was called … in conclusion, Margarito is a badass.

Williams is also a badass, however, he has a longer reach (9-inch advantage over Margarito!) than most heavyweights but doesn’t fight like a bitch, like most would with that advantage. He hasn’t fought the same quality of competition as Margarito, but his wins have been impressive with a record of 32-0 with 24 KO’s. These two fighters had a sparring session a couple years ago, the results of which are disputed. Williams says he cut Margarito, but Margarito denies this … I believe Williams. As for actual fights, one of Williams toughest opponents, Walter Matthysse (26-1, 25 KO’s... impressive), will actually be fighting Kermit Cintron on this undercard which will give us a better idea of who will when the main event. If you are looking to bet on this fight, I’d say the best option is to see how well Matthysse does against Cintron, if the fight is close, or Matthysse wins, Williams is a great bet.

I can’t wait for that fight, so I’m taking the underdog Williams. He’s got the right size and style to take Margarito out of his comfort zone, the question is whether he’ll be able to fight the same brawling style against Margarito, his toughest opponent. Margarito has a tendency to get cut easily, which is an especially bad thing considering his style leaves his face wide opened. He was also recently cut above his eye, which might be his downfall if it’s opened in the early rounds. This should be an all out war, but I think Williams will be able to withstand Margarito’s constant pressure while mutilating Margarito’s eye, so bad that it ends in an 8th Round TKO… mark it down.

You Thought I was kidding about the race war

Boxing Times

(If that didn't get you adequately excited for this fight, please watch the video below ... it's kind of a spoof on the De La Hoya/Mayweather Promo. See, they're funny too!)

Paul Williams vs Antonio Margarito Promo


Your 2007 All-Asshole Team

With literally nothing going on in the sports world right now (unless you count women's basketball as a sport, which I don't) we are forced to do things like pretend that people care about politics and cover every possible angle of the MLB All-Star game. So, I decided I'll beat the baseball thing into the ground since in about a month I won't be able to watch baseball at all (I'll be in Europe). So without further ado, your 2007 All-Asshole Team:

C A.J. Pierzynski He’s notorious for being a clubhouse cancer and a dirty player, but I especially like this story. After getting hit by a ball in the groin the Giants catcher hunched over in pain prompting the trainer to sprint out and ask him how it felt. Pierzynski responded, “Like this,” and kneed him in the balls.

3B Chipper Jones He impregnated a Hooters waitress in Michigan who he was having an affair with. Then he left his wife for her. Classy.

SS Julio Lugo What kind of jackass signs a $36 million contract and then hits .190? I don’t care if he’s a good guy.

2B Jeff Kent I wanted it to be Roberto Alomar for spitting on an umpire but then I realized he’s been out of the league for two years. Kent will have to do. He’s had numerous confrontations with teammates, even getting in a fight with fellow asshole Barry Bonds. He also lied about an injury, saying he broke his wrist washing his car when he actually did it riding a motorcycle.

1B Michael Barrett Ok, so he’s really a catcher. But he has played first base for several games and he has tendency to start fistfights, so he made the cut.

OF Elijah Dukes For starters he has at least five kids by four different women. He most recent wife has filed for a restraining order against him claiming he threatened to kill her and texted her pictures of a gun. Here’s a transcript of the message from him she saved on her cell phone:

"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshittin’. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house." (St. Petersburg Times)

OF Milton Bradley Where to start? Bradley has already played for five teams since entering the big leagues in 2000 and has gained a reputation as a clubhouse cancer. He was suspended for chucking a beer bottle into the front row of seats in Colorado. He called a reporter an Uncle Tom and called teammate Jeff Kent a racist. He was arrested during a routine traffic stop for exiting the car to confront the police officer. But hey, his website says he does community work.

OF Gary Sheffield Let’s see. He’s a roid rager who took a swing at fan in right field at Fenway Park. He thinks there is a conspiracy against black people in Major League Baseball. He also refused to play in the World Baseball Classic, saying, “My season starts when I get paid.”

P Roger Clemens He’s an asshole for no other reason than that he’s so full of himself. I dislike Clemens so vehemently that I don’t think I can write a coherent sentence that properly describes my hatred for him.

P Kenny Rogers He attacked a cameraman. Enough said.

P Ugueth Urbina The former Expo, Marlin, Red Sox, Ranger, Tiger and Phillie, is currently serving a fourteen year prison sentence in Venezuela for attempted murder. He attacked five farm workers with machete and poured gasoline on them and tried to burn them. If that doesn’t qualify him for the All-Asshole team I don’t know what would.

Lunch Cast

listen and weep stinkers

Real Quick

Poorman's Podcast

When You’re Rich, You Don’t Write Checks

Not many times are you sitting around watching ESPN and something comes along and absolutely baffles you. This world is so crazy nowadays that nothing is a shock. You see Rashard Lewis signing for $126 million and you don’t bat an eyelash. Clinton Portis is telling reporters that he knows back roads to dog fights? Not a big deal, either. Oh, Pacman or Chris Henry got in trouble again? It would be bigger news if they weren’t a headline for over a month. But every once in awhile, something comes along that you can’t even muster up words to respond to it. You’re sitting there, speechless, after what you just saw or heard. For me, these moments usually involve a man named Randy Moss; and I’m not talking about the horseracing expert.

Let’s take this time to analyze some of his past quotes.

-1997, Sports Illustrated. An article about Randy takes a turn for the worse, in which he ends up saying that the 1970 Marshall plane crash “was a tragedy, but it really wasn’t nothing big.” How is this one never brought up? If Matt McConaughey is making a movie about it, it’s a big deal.

-Sometime in 2001. This one is basically a household quote. Admitting to taking plays off, Moss was quoted saying “When I want to play, I’ll play.” I think Cris Carter was still around for that one. Imagine being him-- the guy that mentored Randy Moss. I can’t imagine being proud of myself.

-January 2, 2005, game vs. Washington Redskins. Moss is criticized for leaving the game with two ticks left on the clock down 21-18, with the Vikings still to kick off. It isn’t a quote, but when asked afterwards about it, Moss said that he didn’t think they were going to get the onside kick. For what its worth, Randy’s read on the situation was correct. The Redskins recovered and went on to win the game. This apparent bad attitude led to something else just one week later…

-January 9, 2005, game vs. Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. You know where this one is going. After Moss’s second touchdown of the game, he walked over to the goalpost, faced away from the crowd, and proceeded to moon them (pants up, as we all know, but are kind of disappointed about). This turn of events led us to the greatest Randy Moss quotes known to man:

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't shit. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't shit to me … Next time I might shake my dick."

A defining moment in sports history, to say the least. And we’re not even done

-August 18, 2005, interview with Bryant Gumbel. Somehow, they get on the topic of using drugs. Shocking everyone in the process, here is Moss’s quote: "Like I say ... I have used (marijuana) in the past. And every blue moon or every once in a while, I might. ... But as far as abusing it and, you know, letting it take control over me, I don't do that, no." Asked whether he still smokes marijuana, Moss said, "I might. I might have fun. And, you know, hopefully ... I won't get into any trouble with the NFL by saying that, you know? I have had fun throughout my years and, you know, predominantly in the offseason." I say he deserves it. That’s just a rough life.

A few other random quotes to add in here.

  • "The way I look at it," Moss said, "God's got a magic wand, and he taps just a few on the head."

  • At Marshall, he was a business major who didn't take academics too seriously. "College is boring," he said. "It was all about not having fun and going to class once in a while."

  • "It's not my fault that people don't know me," he said, defending himself. "I'm going to speak my mind, no matter what the consequences are."

Yes, Randy, we have come to both learn and appreciate that last one. Here’s to a season of Randy Moss in the press with the Patriots. We can only hope he goes on a tirade about Tom Brady and his illegitimate children or Bill Bellichick and his steamy affairs. Like all of his stints before this one, it could end badly. And the Patriots know it. Imagine Moss quitting on a route on a 3rd down. Bellichick will absolutely kill him. But that just goes to show how much talent this guy has—even the New England Patriots and Bill Bellichick (the biggest psycho coach to ever grace the sidelines) are willing to possibly sacrifice their team concept in order to put this 6’4, 210 pound freak of nature with baggage on their team to put them over the hump.

Someone can do the same with TO. I refuse. It would piss me off too much.

It’s kind of late. Good night.

(EDIT: Here is the youtube video link of the Randy Moss interview after the mooning incident. Also some pretty good highlights of his Viking days beforehand.)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Lunch Cast

More Boredom

This is what I am doing over my "lunch break". I need to grow up.

All-Star Game Festivities Marred After Prince Fielder Eats Jose Reyes

Some leftover thoughts from the tragic event.

  • Was anyone else rooting for Eric Byrnes to drown?
  • I think I would emptyboth my savings account and my checking account to find out what in the name of God could Ichiro and Manny Ramirez have been talking about after Ichiro’s inside the park home run.
  • There was a very nice moment in the AL dugout when the three Indians players (Martinez, Sabathia, and Sizemore) engaged in a very, very long three way hug for no apparent reason.
  • It’s really great having Tim McCarver around. He enlightened us with little tidbits like “You don’t have to throw a strike to get one,” and “If David Ortiz’s hobby wasn’t cooking his nickname would be Little Papi.” The second one literally silenced the room where I was watching the game.
  • Another question. If you’re a woman who is going to be performing on national TV and you’re even considering raising your arm over your head, don’t you have to at least think about shaving your armpits within the last week? That was just gross.
  • Pretty funny moment in the 8th (or maybe 9th) when the home plate umpire got drilled in the shoulder and FOX decided to cut to his mike. And I quote, "God DAMN IT that hurt!"
  • When you were a kid did you ever play that game where you try to think of a sentence that you thought no one in the history of the world has ever said before? Well, I got a good one. “Dmitri Young legs out an infield hit.”

That's all.

Poor Man's Podcast:

So, I got creative tonight and created the "Poorman's Podcast". The name came to me during the middle of the "cast" and stuck because I hate Bilas so much. So, just click on these three links; if you are at work you are going to need headphones, and if you're tired get a pillow because this is some boring shit.

Warning: Constant chew being spit into water bottle is really loud and disgusting!


Poor Man's Podcast Part 1: Ok
Poor Man's Podcast Part 2: Getting Annoying
Poor Man's Podcast Part 3: Really Boring

Who Isn't Now

Thanks to ESPN, we’ve been slowly learning who is Now in sports. I thought of doing a 32-person bracket style tournament with interactive voting and Keyshawn Johnson to decide who isn’t Now, but as I was seeding the bracket, the cream rose to the top. These five separated themselves as the least Now in my eyes; but who knows? Tomorrow is a new day, and any of these might be the most Later.

(The following is rated Blog-14)

5) Brett Favre- Favre has been the worst QB in the league for the last two years, throwing a little under one million INT’s and posting the worst QB rating in the league over that span. Just like last year, Favre’s only chance of becoming Now is a retirement controversy; which is something we should expect soon. My guess, judging by the fact that the last one took place on Super Bowl weekend, is that Favre will mention the possibility of retirement directly following Bonds’ record-breaking home run. Only then will a sufficient amount of media be assembled to adequately cover the momentous occasion. But that will be Later, it isn't Now.

4) Antoine Walker- A last minute addition, but when you have so much in common with an old lady and you’re only 30 you have to make this list. ‘Toine got his purse snatched for the second time, has saggy boobs, and spoils his grandchildren (maybe that wasn’t the best comparison). But how many athletes get mugged even once? You’re supposed to fear athletes, not see them as potential targets for robbery … that’s soooo not Now.

3) Any Cyclist- These guys are the biggest cheaters in sports, every champion since 1995 has been caught with performance enhancing drugs (mostly EPO) except for Lance Armstrong, who is just smarter than everyone because there is no doubt he was doping. Aside from the drugs, the beating they lay on their penises is unnatural, first the too tight shorts, then the constant friction against the seat, and that’s on top of the shrinkage due to these drugs they’re taking … it’s too much and shouldn’t be accepted ever, especially Now.

(Warning: The following is rated Blog-MA, you’ve been warned so don’t bitch)

2) Chris Benoit- There’s only one thing less Now than double murder-suicide, that being…

1) ESPN- There are many reasons for this, here's a few:

  • My Wish- It’s great that ESPN is involved with helping children with disabilities, but rather than doing it in private they do the exact opposite by putting it in the middle of their highest rated show. To make matters worse, they let an ex-MTV VJ host the thing. I love disabled people more than anyone, but you have to admit, there are times, when you’re trying to check ESPN for a baseball score and this segment pops up, that you wish Benoit was still around.

  • The Bronx Is Burning- They’ll never surpass the brilliance of "3" they need to stop trying.

  • Making us trade paint with NASCAR Now (more like NASCAR Never!!!)- It’s just unbelievable that ESPN went from no NASCAR coverage to covering it as much as baseball. I admit, there is plenty of unintentional comedy with Brad Daugherty as a lead reporter (nothing says NASCAR knowledge like a 7 foot black guy) but it still sucks.

  • Who’s Now- The Worst Idea Ever … is anything less sincere than Stuart Scott arguing that Kelly Slater is more Now than LeBron James? Seriously, fuck ESPN.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Some Dumbed Down Politics

Since I know some of you out there have interests other than sports, I figured I’d test the political waters and see what kind of response we get. My idea was to pick an issue every week (maybe every few days) and give a basic summary of each of the six main presidential candidates’ stance on the issue. It will mostly be objective although I can’t promise I won’t make an occasional comment.

The issue for today is healthcare. There are 44.8 million people in the U.S. who are with out healthcare coverage. Premiums for families have risen 87% (!) since 2000 (Kaiser Family Foundation). I think everyone agrees that healthcare needs to be more affordable and more readily available; the question is what's the best way to improve the system.

John McCain (R) McCain has advocated bipartisan efforts to reduce healthcare costs to make it more affordable. He is opposed to raising taxes but would like to see the SCHIP program expanded. (SCHIP is a government sponsored program that gives aid to families who make too much to qualify for Medicaid, yet cannot afford private insurance.) The rest of his hypothetical plan includes offering tax incentives for the poor, promoting health savings accounts, and reforming the medical malpractice system. He is especially focused on providing aid to injured veterans. Actually, that's all he talks about on his website.

John Edwards (D) His goal is to have all Americans insured by 2012. Edwards has said that he believes that the government, business, and individuals all share the responsibility for making sure everyone is covered. He says that if elected he would eliminate Bush’s tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans and use the money to finance the reform and make it more affordable.

Rudy Giuliani (R) The former New York mayor says the problem should be fixed by improving the quality of coverage and lowering the cost. He is strongly opposed to socializing the system. A free market, he says, would allow for more options and lower the overall price. He has yet to come out with a more specific plan.

Hilary Clinton (D) If Hil-Dog becomes the first female president she plans on enacting universal healthcare coverage. Insurance companies would be required by law to offer insurance to everyone. She also wants to make healthcare the number one voting concern in ’08. That’s a nice thought Hilary, except there is this thing called Iraq…

Mitt Romney (R) Romney, much like Giuliani, has said that he thinks a free market would correct many of the problems in the system. One cause of concern for many Republicans is legislation Romney passed in Massachusetts which required all individuals to be insured or face legal ramifications. When asked about it he said that he is proud of the system instituted in Massachusetts but has a different idea as to what is best for the entire country. Hmm, sounds confusing.

Barack Obama (D) Obama wants to see universal coverage but still keep health care in the private sector. He wants to make it a requirement that all children are covered, provide subsidies to people who are not covered by Medicaid or SCHIP but still cannot afford insurance, and require employers who do not offer health care packages to allocate a percentage of pay towards health care. Obama plans to provide funding for his program by eliminating the tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans. Sounds pretty close to socializing the program to me.

I have to say that although Giuliani’s stance is the least specific so far, I like it the best. It’s convenient for Democrats to gain popularity on the issue by making a “poor vs. the rich” battle. Eliminating tax cuts for the wealth sounds like a good plan at first glance right? They’re rich, they don’t need the money. The problem is its basic economics that says if the wealthy have less money to spend its going to affect every level of the economy down to the very bottom. If we make the health care system socialized, what’s next? It’s a slippery slope.

I think the rest of the Republicans either lack focus or credibility. McCain talks about improving everything, but it seems all he really wants to talk about is health care for veterans. I agree that is a very important issue, but not at the expense of the entire population. It’s also hard to take Romney seriously when he says he advocates a free market but in his own state he voted for something that is close to the opposite.

I’m interested to hear what you guys think.

E-mail Address

In case you didn't notice we've added a contact e-mail to the site ( We're hoping you guys will e-mail us with general comments, complaints, or suggestions about the site. What do you like? What don't you like? What would you like to see more of? Ideas for stories. That type of thing. Maybe we could even do a Q&A session with BigLots, who knows.

AAAA, or umm NL Midseason Report

As promised, the 2007 National League midseason report:


San Diego

I think the Padres are the team with the most interesting options. They’ve been dominant pitching wise but pretty bad offensively. It’s convenient to attribute both those to Petco’s spacious outfield but I don’t think that’s entirely to blame/credit for both. The Pads have already added cheap offense by taking in guys with questionable character (Michael Barrett and Milton Bradley) so we’ll see if that comes back to haunt them. It will be interesting to see if they trade some of their pitching (even if it’s at the AAA level) to bolster their offense.

Los Angeles

I really don’t have much good to say about this team. None of their hitters or pitchers are really that intimidating. Their first half MVP was probably Brad Penny and I am predicting that he is going to decline in the second half. His HR to outfield fly ball ratio has been very low, suggesting that he has been pretty lucky thus far. He also dated Alyssa Milano, so he’s pretty lucky in the regard as well. Look for him to give up a lot more home runs the second half. One surprise for the Dodgers has been James Loney who has an OPS of 1.045 (albeit in only 78 AB) and taken Nomar’s spot at first base. Anyway, I see this team fading as the second half progresses.


They really could go either way. Randy Johnson has been good when healthy but that’s saying a lot. Its great the Eric Byrnes is hitting so well but its not great that he’s been their leading power guy. They need more power and production out of the typical power positions like 1B, 3B and the rest of the outfield.



After a shaky start this team appears to be a few moves away from being able to win a pretty weak division. I said at the beginning of the year that I really liked the Lily signing and he’s turned out pretty well. Overall their starting pitching is pretty solid. They could probably use some bullpen help. (See the end of this article.) Also, although it was a good move to get rid of clubhouse cancer/bully/psycho Michael Barrett, they do miss his bat and could use a catcher with a bigger stick.


Their fast start means that if they can just play decent baseball throughout the second half they should be able to hold on to the division. The problem is they just dropped 3 of 4 to the Pirates and 2 of 3 to the Nationals, and they have been unimpressive away from home. What this team needs is a few veterans (maybe a starter and a bat) who have some playoff experience. They only real vet they have is Jeff Suppan who I refuse to acknowledge as a major leaguer, let alone a previous NLCS MVP.



A lot of question marks for the Braves. When will Andruw Jones start to hit? How long will Smoltz’s shoulder keep him sidelined? They could definitely use to add pitching, either a starter or reliever. I’m just not really sure who or what they have to offer. I’m hoping Buzzsaw will fill in the blanks for me.

New York

Despite a number of injuries they still have a small lead in the division. They could use 7th inning help and also may be in the market for a starting pitcher, possibly Contreras. They’re also looking forward to Pedro’s return, which should help their chances.


The Phils aren’t that far back right now but I can see them being sellers before long. Even though Howard and Burrell will almost certainly have better second halves, they just don’t have the pitching with both Garcia and Lieber out.

This is not meant to be a knock on the NL, although it is obviously an inferior league (OK, that was), but any team who needs to add a “quality” arm to improve their bullpen should simply trade a marginal prospect to an AL team for a back of the bullpen rotation pitcher. It’s guaranteed to work. Trust me, I’ve seen enough Red Sox relievers get rocked only to get traded to the Padres or Dodgers and become key contributors (David Riske, Rudy Seanez, Cla Meredith). Jim Hendry, how do you feel about Mike Timlin?

One more things about the NL, then I’m done. I promise. Can you see any of these teams besides the maybe the Mets even having a chance to win the World Series? Well, maybe the Padres too I guess, but it’s just that none of them are very intimidating. Then again, the Cardinals are the reigning champions and I still have no idea how that happened.

ESPN's Much Needed Timeout and an Update on the Status of 'Toine's Shimmy

I just remembered another ridiculous ESPN segment from Baseball Tonight last year involving former Mets GM Steve Phillips and those phony GM press conferences. Phillips couldn’t make it as a real GM, “trading for the planet formerly known as Mo Vaughan”, so ESPN decided to have him hand out advice to real GM’s. I can only imagine how Steve Levy and Karl Ravech felt when they had to ask questions as if they were press reporters. I don’t know if that’s worth the six figure salary! You know, some strippers in Vegas make that much money and probably don’t feel nearly as dirty as those two after that ridiculous segment.
I also hear the “Who’s Now” Segment is really heating up. Oh wait, I’m not 14 years old, so I really don’t give two shits.
I am proud to announce that I only watched one minute of the Home Run Derby. The Baseball Tonight crew was grounded to their set in Bristol, and you could see the disappointment in their faces! They had that stupid fake Baseball Diamond on the set and a giant TV that was bigger than my apartment. I could tell they were hoping it would turn into a “new age” Field Of Dreams, so that they could walk right through the screen, land on their set in San Fran, and smell the sweet aroma that is Chris Berman’s swampass. Maybe Kruk invited the boys over for a stay the night after the show was over!

On a more upbeat note, Antoine Walker was robbed at gunpoint tonight at his home on the north side of Chicago. Police were confused upon arrival as ‘Toine was seen making “eccentric movements that looked like a remixed version of his famed shimmy”. Later, the police realized that he went into shock, pissed his pants, and suffered a massive seizure. Unfortunately, the robber’s only stole money and jewelry. The shimmy is supposedly a little shaken up, but should be ready in all of its gayness for the start of next season. Reports also indicate that he might have been tied up, hmmm, I wonder why?

I promise a real article about something serious over the next few days. I heard Cheff Cheffers is getting a little MLB’d out. He is the only person subscribing to my insider column over on my old blog and my white pimp pants are in his room in Cincy, so I have to keep him happy.

Monday, July 9, 2007

As if We Needed Another Reason to Hear About Barry Bonds

I'm not supporting or condemning Bonds, but I think it's fair to say all this talk is getting a little old. Well, now this. AOL Sports is reporting that Giants fans from a message board called found a way to vote for a player very quickly and numerous times (more than 25), which led to BB starting in his home town. It seems that no one besides talk radio is running with this story so far. Maybe that's because there's not much truth to it or maybe it's because message boards have even less credibility than blogs in the eyes of mainstream media. Either way I don't understand why the fans of the most controversial player in the game had to figure out how to cheat and not, you know, some nerdy Royals fans voting for Mark Teahen.

For Your Enjoyment: Links

Phil Hellmuth Crashes Racecar at Rio. Apparently it was some promotional event and he was going 172 mph. You can catch the video here. Rumor has it that after the crash, he was quoted muttering, “If it weren’t for cinder blocks, I’d win every race.”

Dan Patrick Done at ESPN. The next Bob Barker, perhaps?

Clay Aiken Shoved by Female Aboard Airplane. It says that Aiken’s foot was resting on another passenger’s armrest. The only way I can even picture that on an airplane is ignorantly going across the aisle or crossing legs and resting a foot against the person you are sitting next to.

*Is James Hetfield a Terrorist? After being investigated by UK airport officials who apparently didn't appreciate his "Taliaban-like beard," Hetfield persuaded them that he was a "rock star." I guess they're throwing that term around loosely nowadays.

*Link courtesty of Cheff

AL Midseason Report

Now that we’re halfway through the season I thought I’d take a look at the teams that still have a legitimate shot at making the playoffs to see what, if anything, they can do to bolster their playoff hopes. AL is first but I promise I will not neglect the NL like some of our other contributors (cough BigLots…cough Guy).



In my opinion Seattle has been the luckiest team thus far. They haven’t had any major injuries and they’ve been hitting out of their…umm…butts. (We’re trying to be a family site.) If they’re going to make a run at the wild card or even the division they’re going to need another veteran starter. I really just don’t see any way they’re not going to tail off in the second half, especially with the distraction of Hargrove resigning.


Despite a number of injuries to key people, the A’s have managed to put together a respectable first half. As always, Billy Beane has found a way to get contributions from unlikely sources (Jack Cust, Chad Gaudin, Lenny DiNardo). Beane’s philosophy is that the first part of the season should be used to evaluate the team you’ve assembled and the second half is when you make moves to improve weaknesses. He always seems to make a move or two that works out in his favor. The A’s have typically been a second half team and I expect that to continue, especially if Rich Harden stays healthy.


I think this team is the strongest of the three contenders in the West. I know I wouldn’t want to face a 1-2-3 combo of Lackey, Escobar, and Jered Weaver in a short playoff series. They have suffered numerous injuries (Figgins, Weaver, Speir, Escobar, Willts, Izturis, etc.) and yet still have one of the best records in baseball, mostly due to their overall organizational depth. Seriously, their farm system is more loaded than Lindsay Lohan on a Wednesday night. I definitely expect the Angels to be the team to beat in the West without making any moves.



I think the Central should turn out to be the best race in the AL. Cleveland has looked great up to the half way point despite playing 65 games in the past 68 days. Honestly the thing this team needs most is just rest. The could use another quality arm in the bullpen but I think their budget keeps them out of the market for Gagne or Akinori Otsuka.


Speaking of those two, Detroit could be a major player when those two become available. Their bullpen is the only real weakness the Tigers have right now. Can someone please tell me why Todd Jones is still their closer?? His sweet mustache is really the only thing I can think of. With his declining K rate and is 5.20 ERA there are a number of better candidates on his own team! The Tigers could also upgrade in LF is anything is available at a good price; Craig Monroe has been pretty horrendous.


I listed them as a contender since they’re not that far back in the standings but I really don’t see them making a run. The back of their rotation is pretty weak and they don’t have the budget to upgrade. Their offense besides Morneau and Hunter has been far from impressive, and they really need Mauer to be healthy. It’s too bad that they probably won’t be able to do anything this year since its most likely going to be Hunter’s last year playing for the Twinkies.



It looks like the Red Sox have the division locked up, but I’m not going to believe it until I see it. Even if they do, things are definitely not perfect for the Sox. From what I’ve been reading this Schilling injury may be worse than initially indicated. Now that Buerhle is off the market there is basically no starting pitching available so they may be forced to rely on a rookie in the rotation the rest of the way. Manny Delcarmen has started to look like he may be capable of being a suitable setup man to complement Okajima and Papelbon, but I still wouldn’t mind seeing them make a play for Gagne or Otsuka if the price is right. This team’s hitting has been decent but has definitely underperformed. Manny hasn’t gotten hot, Ortiz’s power is lacking, and Lugo…actually I’m still not ready to talk about Lugo.

NL later this afternoon/evening.

Weekend Dimlights

My Life:

I played two rounds of golf this weekend up in Indy and realized how awful I really am. I probably three putted 30 out of the 36 holes and could have been more effective using a broom out of the sand. I somehow managed to shoot a 90 on Saturday while only tallying 1 bogey on my score card. My round looked something like this: par, par, double double, tripe, par, par, birdie, double. I'm just proud that I was consistent in my scoring!

Side Note: Someone send me some Xanax in the mail.


Brewster vs. Klitschko 2 was as uneventful as my life. Klitschko scored a TKO when Brewster failed to come out of his corner for the beginning of the 7rh round. Literally, Klitshcko could have been fighting a black Everlast bag with a fake mini-afro, and the fight may have produced more drama. I just kept waiting for one of Klitschko’s jabs to snap Brewster’s head off. I’m pretty sure a bunch of candy would have flown out all over the ring. Judging by the looks of Brewster, he loves Milky Ways more than winning. (I think he's sitting in a highchair in that picture.)

Brewster served as Wladimir’s "jab bag" (ya I just made up that word) for 18 minutes and didn’t attempt to make it a fight. I
predicted this before the fight. Klitschko was a 4-1 favorite , but I at least wanted to see him get in trouble a couple times. Emmauel Steward served as Klitchsko’s trainer for the fight. He is part of HBO’s boxing analyst team when not training, and he served up the most fitting quote of the fight when he asked Klitschko, “Was that the 6th round? Let’s finish him off, I said this thing shouldn’t last more than 7.” The quote was in between rounds 3 and 4, meaning he wasn’t even paying attention. If a trainer is bored during a title bout, think about the people watching at home.

Side Note 1: I originally thought Klitschko looked like the German version of Rocky’s Ivan Drago if he had blonde, spiked hair, but I was wrong. Works out for me as I was in the process of having to upload more images. I think every white foreign fighter at least remotely resembles Drago, so I don’t feel like a bigger d-bag than usual.


Wimbledon is over and Roger Federer won his 5th consecutive title this Sunday, avenging his French Open loss to the capri wearing, clay court specialist Rafael Nadal. Ya, Nadal wore capris during the final which actually means he lost two matches on Sunday; one vs. Federer and one vs. trying to be straight. The match itself was unbelievable as Federer grinded out a tough 5 set match against the gritty Nadal. Federer's game is just too big right now for anyone on grass or hard Courts.

Venus Williams won the ladies title with an impressive run over the last week becoming the lowest seed to win the event. I'm pretty sure the Williams sisters only try when they want to considering Serena made a similiar run at the Austrailian Open this past January.

Side note 2: I would draft Serena Williams in any upcoming Fantasy Football league if she becomes available.
Side Note 3: That will be the last write-up I do about any female sporting event for a long long time unless Title IX gets stripped, I get to play Lisa Leslie one vs. one and dominate her like I know I could, or Danica Patrick finally realizes that women are bad drivers and decides to trade in her racing uniform for pasties.


Barry Bonds didn't go yard this weekend, and I just found out he wasn't participating in the Home Run contest. I am sad, and for the first time in 3 years, I am not being sarcastic. I just hope my Mr. Pumpkin head breaks the record in San Francisco because I think he might get killed if it happens somewhere else. (I am in the process of writing up a completely bias filled pro-Bonds article that is sure to make everyone's day.)

The Chicago White Sox gave up 32 runs during a twin bill with the Twins on Friday
afternoon/evening. The southsiders have hit a new low this season, and some changes need to be made.

Side Note 4: I met Ozzie Guillen's son at a bar in Chicago after a Cubs vs. Sox games, and he was louder and more annoying than Ozzie.
Side Note 5: Ozzie Jr. (not sure if that’s his real name) looked like he had poured a bottle of Valvoline Oil on his head that day and I think some of the motor oil flew into my drink after he made himself laugh really hard. Gross!

Next is this sad story about ESPN.

ESPN isn't invited to the party :-(

This is actually a highlight. Poor ESPN won't be able to bring their famed Baseball Tonight crew to San Fran for the ALL-Star game festivities. Supposedly, John Kruk was extremely despondent after hearing the news. Witnesses say he was found passed out at a Big Gulp Stand in Bristol. Video surveillance showed Kruk housing 35 tacitos and 3 Super Big Gulps. (Maybe that was a dream.)

Side Note 6: Eduaro Perez and Fernando Vina found out about the news together and simultaneously said "Thank fucking god, I don't have to make an ass out of myself on national television again.". Then Vina and Perez jinxed each other at the exact same time doing everyone in America a favor. No one say Eduardo or Fernando! We won't have to hear those two jackasses talk anymore if we don't slip up.


Just real quick because this is getting long and stupid. Kevin Durant and Oden both played poorly in their debuts prompting every media source in the country to question whether or not these guys are going to be good. Remember, these are the same media sources who said Russell, I mean Oden, and Durant were the two best players to come out of college since Lebron and guaranteed they would both be instant stars just proving how over the top and sensational a lot of national media coverage is. It was one game guys!

Side Note 7: Yi still hasn’t had any discussions with Bucks management, but dominated some NBA players at a Summer League game with his Chinese National Team. He had 23 points and 7-10 boards I think (not sure exactly how many, and I am done typing.)


Supposedly Michael “Purina” Vick will avoid all Federal charges from the dog fighting fiasco. I’m just glad that the FBI is investing this (that’s where there focus needs to be), and that we got to hear about it for the past 2-3 months.

Brian Urlacher is a really, really mean………………………text messager. Funny Shit!

I know the Tank Johnson charges were dropped, and Dominic Rhodes is out four games for driving bombed in Indy.

I’m sure there are some arrests and suspensions I haven’t heard about yet. Gotta love the NFL.

Side Note 8: Big Ben is still afraid of Chrysler cars. (No source. I just know he must be!)

In the words of Urlacher, “editing is for pussies!”

Oven Mitt Whitfield

Am I the Only One Appalled by This?

Maybe you have all noticed this before and I am just way behind (or maybe I'm just crazy), but this has become bothersome to me. I turn on Baseball Tonight, Sportscenter, whatever, and they’re showing baseball highlights. The Royals are playing the Devil Rays. I think. Or is it that the team from Toronto? Trying to distinguish between the shitty D-Rays and the no-prayer-in-the-AL-East-Jays isn’t worth my time and mind power. So I did some photo-searching via photo galleries on Before you read on, take a quick glance (1 to 2 seconds) of each picture and say in your mind which team each of them is.

After you ace that test to make me look like an ass hole, I will present you my two problems with the similarities of the uniforms:

1. The Blue Jays' away blacks say “Jays” across the front. And since I don’t give a shit enough about the D-Rays to know that they do not have black jerseys (they used to, see below), there is a possibility at first glance to me that it is them.

2. The Blue Jays' home whites also say “Jays” across the front. Compare that one with the Devil Rays home white vests. Maybe not spot on, but at a glance, it is shocking to me. I guess if you know that the D-Rays rock the vests and the Canadians do not, you’re a step or two ahead.

My conclusion is that both teams are at fault. The Blue Jays have been around longer, so when the Rays were getting their nickname, you had to see the similarity in names coming. “Blue Jays” and “Devil Rays”-- both two words, both end in “ays.” But if my memory serves me correctly, when the Rays entered the league, the Blue Jays uniforms were their Joey Carter classics. So the Rays establish their shitty jerseys, and a few years later apparently the Blue Jays owner felt the need to make a change. As the Jays’ owner, why do you come up with something remotely close to any team in the league, much less a team in your own division?

Here’s to July 30, 31 and August 1st-- the next time these two teams meet. Shockingly, none of the games are on national television. So study up on your jerseys before late July, and the highlights of the games will be meaningful to you.

It’s nice to have a place to rant.

Oh, and anytime you can get a pic of the Crime Dog in there, you gotta pull the trigger.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Lazy Attempt at an Article

We can't make fun of people for being stupid anymore :-(

Here are the comments I wrote under this article (good site), but I got kind of worked up because I like making fun of people who do stupid shit. My life isn't worth living if I can't judge people.

Starts now:
Like the article, it’s the first serious thing I’ve thought about, let alone written about in quite some time, so congrats. I will send you a cookie in the mail if you are interested!?

I did, however, have a couple of problems with your conclusions, probably because I want to keep judging people without a guilty conscience.

I make the "you can't judge people until you've walked a mile in their shoes" argument more than anyone else I know, but it seems to work a little better when moving down the socio-economic ladder as compared to up.

1. Don’t act like temptations change as you get more money. Drugs, drinking, and sex are fun no matter how much money you have, and they are everywhere. A party at a corner bar in Des Moines, Iowa and one on the strip in Vegas are surprisingly similar if you think about it; other than the brand of vodka and drug of choice.
2. I don’t judge people who fall victim to temptation, but it baffles me that people keep making mistake after mistake with so much to lose. I mean why not” bring the party to you” if your going out might mean flushing everything you’ve done up to that point down the drain.

3. Many people, with a lot less to lose, protect what little they have to the best of their abilities. More relevant to this maybe, a large majority of professional athletes have all of that “fun” you mention and do it in a way as to ensure their future financial/professional well-being. So, maybe you’re right, I personally can’t judge those people because I’ve never been in their position, but hundreds of thousands of millionaires over the last 30 years (maybe more)can. They did walk a mile in their shoes and protected what they had.

4. You suggest that professional athletes face more temptations than everyday people, and I think that’s a little off base. . My entourage (5 kids who all graduated from the same private school five years ago) went to a Vegas Strip club not too long ago with my buddy’s dad who makes a really, really nice living for himself. They didn’t pull any guns. No lines of coke were blown even though it was all around. No cops were called, and no depositions were given!

In layman’s terms, no rain was being made. So, yeah if I want to judge an idiot like PacMan Jones, I’m going to do it and be able to look myself in the mirror the next day without crying more than I usually do.