Friday, August 3, 2007

JailHaus Blues

written by special guest 'Haus'

Well obviously I have to disagree with Log's assessment of the Bengals. It was mentioned that their offense was good last year and it didn't get them into the playoffs. Not really. First of all they choked twice in the last seconds of December games that would have sent them to the playoffs with a win in either game (Log’s pic of Holmes).

Last year the offense finished 11th overall, due to many circumstances. They lost two of their best O-lineman in commanding center, Rich Braham and LT Levi Jones for the majority of the year, causing two newbies to start for the first year in Andrew Whitworth and Eric Ghiaciuc. The problems were Whitworth was too slow on the edge and Ghiaciuc didn't know the offense well enough to command the line well at all. The coaching staff tried several different combinations of lineman all year long. To make matters worse, Carson didn't have an offseason coming off the unmentionable knee injury suffered the year before and was taking hits from holes left by the constantly shuffled line in front of him.

However, this year those two linemen have a year under their belt and Whitworth importantly will be moved back to his better guard position where he won't be beat around the corners. Carson wore down at the end of last year and only threw for 52% completion rate in December. He is hungrier than ever and is fully healthy with a full offseason of rest and practice. The offense will be in the top 3 of the league once again and that WILL put them into the playoffs. The off-field problems are finally over with (minus Chris Henry) and several of the troubled players have left the team. If Henry surprises the world and somehow stays out of the trouble (or more likely he just doesn’t get caught) he will only make the O more potent, but Carson can throw to anyone in the meantime.

Who knows if the Bengals will have a defense. However, look back at the Colts of years ago and yes, they had no defense, but that definitely did not put them in last place of their division (although Log definitely put them there to spite me and of course he felt bad for the Browns).

The line is experienced and appears to have a budding star in Robert Geathers at the end. On the other side of the D-line Justin Smith hopes to have another big year after being given the franschise tag (if for no other reason than to cash in after the season when he will likely be free agent).

The DB's look to be reinforced with a healthy Madieu Williams and Leon Hall looks to be making an immediate impact. If the young tandem of first rounders in Hall and Joseph live up to the hype, and Deltha O'Neal can regain his form of two years ago, the secondary will be a formidable foe. (and yes Log, Nddukwe does suck, that's why he's listed as 4th on the depth chart and his fighting for a special teams spot to make the team and isn't a factor, former Super Bowl MVP Dexter Jackson would be the SS)

Regardless, how far the Bengals go rests solely on the shoulders of the linebacking core. Ahmad Brooks was picked up out of the supplemental draft a year ago and most likely would have been a first round pick this past spring otherwise. He has the raw talent to become a very solid MLB (the team released Brian Simmons to let Ahmad play) but I'm not sure how his mental abilities will coincide. The Bengals will definitely miss Pollack and Thurman, but it's for the best IMO on Odell. I the think Ed Hartwell pick up from the Falcons will do jack-shit for the team and Landon Johnson and Rashaad Jeanty will be average at best. Hopefully the LB's will gel together and surprise Bengals fans, for how far the Bengals go in the playoffs is up to them.

Bottom Line, how good the offense is will matter. Carson will eat up the secondary of the Browns and Steelers leading to a 4-0 record against them and go 1-1 against the Ravens, who I am scared of with McGahee in their ranks. 11-5, 5-1 division. Tie for the best record with the Ravens. Browns 6-10, 1-5. Steelers 7-9, 2-4 So in translation for our Steelers fans out there… Allow me to summarize …Bengals? Offense Great. Defense not good. Playoffs.

NFC South Preview: Doggies, Hurricanes, and the like

Each of the contributors is going to be previewing one division and the remaining divisions will be assigned to several guest writers. We're going to try to do about one or two per week until the start of the season.

Ever since the Texans joined the league and there was realignment, I always looked at this division as the awkward division. The Panthers are still a pretty new team in my eyes, thus no rivalries have been formed. And the Buccaneers were just kind of pried away from the Central, which killed Favre’s “rivalry” (if you can call it that) with Warren Sapp and the Buccaneers. It also forced upon the average football fan another hopeful rivalry of Vick vs.
Tampa’s defense. Yawn. The only constant here is the Falcons and Saints being in the same division. Not much history here, but recently many storylines have surfaced among these four teams.

Glass Half Full Storylines that may or may not interest you

1. Bruce Gradkowski to Maurice Stovall was the most electrifying play in sports

A friend of the blog’s went to the same high school as Bruce (Seton La Salle in Pittsburgh). She (yes, she) informed me that when the Buccaneers were playing the Steelers in Pittsburgh, Gradkowski visited his old school to the tune of a rally. Oh yeah, and t-shirts that said “Seton La Salle Grad(kowski).” Those clever Pittsburghers. The glass half full news? Gradkowski won’t be starting anymore. Phew. Jeff Garcia was acquired in the offseason and will take the helm (unless Chris Simms steals the job-- you do have to feel bad for him), which should be an improvement despite the horrendous offensive line of the Bucs. And Michael Clayton can’t have another bad season. Can he?

2. Reggie Bush, DeAngelo Williams, and Steve Smith have talent

And the best part for the Reginald? He has a very good offensive line, quarterback, and receivers around him to help him out. Bush’s talents can’t really be put into words-- he just gives you a scare every single time he touches the ball. As far as Williams and Smith go, that offense should be scary. The Panthers didn’t have much of a running attack last year with their subpar offensive line and DeShaun Foster limping around. I feel like he got injured a little bit too late in the season for DeAngelo to make his rightful impact. This year, DeAngelo should be getting more carries and I couldn’t be more excited. The little shit has some moves and I think he will ultimately give the Panthers more of a ground threat, lightening the focus on Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson Dwayne Jarrett. I would be picking the Panthers to go far this season because of their very above average defense (especially the line-- Kris Jenkins, Julius Peppers, Mike Rucker), but Jake Delhomme just doesn’t do it for me. Sorry. If David Carr takes over his job, then we’ll start talking.

3. The Saints rid themselves of Joe Horn

Good for them. And the kicker? They get to dick all over him two games a year now that he is with the Falcons. Suckers.

Glass Half Empty Storylines

1. No one feels bad for you anymore, New Orleans

Sorry, guys. This year you will have to actually win games by using such attributes like ability and talent. Katrina has since passed and the Saints’ defense is going to have to start contributing to football games since other teams will be trying. That sucks for Saints fans. At least Reggie Bush and Brees are, you know, pretty good.

2. Joey Harrington, it’s your show

ESPN already beat me to the “Cousin Padraig won The Open, so now its Joey’s turn to take advantage of the luck of the Irish” angle, so it looks like I’ll have to go another way. And I’m not looking to tie in his other cousin, Dan (poker professional-- a pretty successful family, that bunch). Joey Harrington really isn’t all that bad of a quarterback, as he proved in Miami with a few good outings until he lost running back Ronnie Brown and his helpfulness to an injury. He was drafted #3 overall in 2002 by the Detroit Lions, which was clearly a disaster waiting to happen. The Lions were awful in the three years with him at quarterback, but he did steadily improve for the most part. Anyway, things could be worse. It should be an exciting interesting year to be a Falcons fan

The Train Wrecks (Completely Empty Glass) Storylines

1. The Buccaneers Defensive Ends Get Senior Citizen Perks

Three of their ends add up to 32 years in the league (Greg Spires, Simeon Rice, and Kevin Carter). Gaines Adams was their first draft pick, but he is probably going to need a year to adjust. As for Chris Hovan and Ryan Sims and the interior line? They’re pretty bad.

2. Mike Vick will be Getting Friendly with Jail Security Guards

I won’t even waste your time with errant jokes.

3. Cadillac Jokes Still Aren’t Funny

Like many others, I am sick of the “Cadillac just needs a tune up” or “Cadillac needs to go in the garage for a week to rest” jokes. Can we all agree that he just sucks?

Predictions

Like I said above, this division is just awkward. The only serious threats of doing anything are the Saints and Panthers.

As for the Saints, their offensive line and weapons are scary as hell. The only question mark is their defense-- I just can’t take them seriously. Their line and secondary aren’t awful, but their linebackers are a joke. When you’ve got guys named Scott Shanle, Scott Chicken Fujitas (I bet he’s never heard that one before), and Brian Simmons starting, its time to start re-evaluating your play.

I personally think the Panthers are scarier than the Saints, just because their defense is frightening. If Delhomme gets it together or Carr takes over and gets something going, this is going to be a tough team to beat. I feel like I’ve loved the Panthers in the preseason for the past 4 years. Since I’m stubborn, I’ll take them to win the division at 11-5. Saints 10-6. The rest-- who cares.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

I Want to Fight Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

“I will beat him all the way back to England.” This quote came from the “retired” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. a little over a month ago, and no, he wasn’t talking about David Beckham. Shockingly, Floyd is ready to jump back in the ring, and the fight is being promoted by Golden Boy. Wow, Floyd really is sincere in what he says. He ragged on Golden Boy Promotions and said he was done with boxing. Three months later, he’s announced another fight with them.


As suspected, “Pretty Boy” will meet Ricky “The Hitman” Hatton on December 8th at the MGM Grand in Vegas. Yippie! Hatton has already said he’s going to fight at his junior welterweight size of 140 lbs. This means he’ll be fighting not only a quicker, more skilled fighter, but one that weighs 7 lbs more. Mayweather will almost certainly come in at the 147 lb. requirement as he realizes that Hatton (or any one for that matter) isn’t going to be able to beat him with speed. This is such a ridiculous fight. If money didn’t exist, there would no plausible explanation for it.

Mayweather said he’s going to knock Hatton out, and unfortunately I think he’s right! I mentioned this many articles ago when the fight seemed to be in the workings, but I’ll say it again: on fight night, Ricky Hatton’s face will be a dart board, and Mayweather will be throwing bull’s eyes. How can Ricky expect to use his style of always moving forward and bullying if he’s 7lbs lighter than Floyd? I just don’t get it. Mayweather has faster hands/better foot speed than anyone in boxing, so trying to beat him with those two things is like buying diapers 2hrs after taking an ALLI.

Look how Castillo (almost) beat Floyd. He just kept moving forward and bullying Mayweather. He wouldn’t let Floyd off the ropes. He was bigger, and Floyd didn’t know what to do. Hatton’s only chance is taking a similar approach. Bulk up, take chances, catch Floyd on the ropes, and turn it into a fight.

I’ll just come out now and predict a knockout in the middle rounds. I don’t think Hatton’s going to be able to do anything! He doesn’t move his head and walks right into big punches. Floyd isn’t a power puncher, but with his technical prowess, he will slowly dismantle Hatton. I can’t wait to see Hatton’s face in between the 4th and 5th round if he’s still in the fight. He’s going to look ridiculous.

I just wish Floyd would have taken a fight with Cotto! I swear that article about PBF dodging fights and being overrated is coming. If he keeps it up, I might just have to challenge him myself. I could get down to 147 lbs in 1 month. Hell, it’s only 12 pounds.


This Weekend: Eric Morales (48-5) and David Diaz (32-1) are fighting in Chicago Saturday night at the Rosemont Horizon (I don’t know the new name of the arena, so I’m still calling it by the old one). Morales goes after his fourth world title in a fourth diffrent weight class, and Diaz is attempting to measure himself against one of boxing’s true legends. I still haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to go to this fight, but if I do, I will keep a running journal. I wish I had a laptop, so I could do some ringside blogging, and then have my “corner man” translate it into Spanish. Please check out HBO on Demand (if you have it) and watch the short highlight reel of Morales. If not, got to Youtube and check out some highlights of him vs. Marco Antonio Barrera. He has been in some freakin’ battles. The man is a warrior, but at 31 he may have already fought too many times and taken too many big punches.

I think Diaz is actually older than Morales, but he’s a lot fresher. He’s fought lesser opponents and hasn’t taken the same abuse dished out to Morales by Barrera and Manny Pacquiao 3x apiece. I haven’t even begun breaking down the fight yet, so you’ll have to wait on my prediction. On the undercard, Julio Cesar Chavez, Jr., an up and coming undefeated welterweight and son of the boxing legend Chavez Sr., will try to show he’s more than just a name. He fought on the Cotto v. Judah undercard, and was impressive from what I remember. I think this one could be worth the PPV cash if you get 4-5 people to throw down on it. HBO will give you three hours of coverage for 5-7 bucks a pop. Kind of like going to a movie, minus all of the sweet Bruce Willis Jackass comments!. (Inside joke)

AFC North Preview

Each of the contributors is going to be previewing one division and the remaining divisions will be assigned to several guest writers. We're going to try to do one or two a week until the start of the season. Here's the first one.

1. Ravens

I’m picking the Ravens to go 11-5, but make no mistake; this is a better team than the one that went 13-3 last year. They added Willis McGahee who will add much more diversity to their offense attack than they’ve had in the past. Not only is he more of a cut back runner with big play potential but he will also improve their passing game. With better hands than Jamal Lewis they will be able to run more screens and flares. Also, unlike Lewis, McGahee is comfortable in single back sets, meaning they will be able to use three WRs more often and spread the field. McNair just needs to stay healthy for the entire season again.

On defense the Ravens should still be pretty dominating. I mean they do have God’s Linebacker on their team. The only real question mark is how they will replace DE/LB Adalius Thomas who cashed in with the Patriots. More than likely they will turn to former backup Jarret Johnson, with Antwan Barnes and Dan Cody also seeing some time on third down.

The Ravens do have a pretty tough schedule, at one point playing at San Diego, then coming home to play New England and Indianapolis. But I expect them to match up well against division foes, going 5-1 and taking the division.

2. Steelers

I’m very excited about the start of the Mike Tomlin era. I loved Cowher, but he just didn’t seem motivated last year. I think Tomlin will bring a breath of fresh air while retaining a no-nonsense attitude. Here’s what he said when he was asked why he was wearing long sleeves in the ninety degree heat at training camp: “Its part of the mental warfare. I don’t want guys coming up to me telling me how hot it is because they know I don’t care. I hope it gets hotter.” Not quite the same as Mangini playing Mozart during practice.

The only significant loss the Steelers suffered was Joey Porter, who, in my opinion had become very one dimensional. They’ll look to replace him with draft picks Lawrence Timmons and Lamar Woodley. Timmons didn’t get off to a great start in training camp and word is he’s already slipped on the depth chart, but Woodley has been very impressive. They didn’t really do much to improve their secondary which was sometimes prone to big plays, but Polamalu should be completely healthy so that should help.

While the Steelers don’t have any significant new personnel on offense they do have a new offensive coordinator, former wide receivers coach Bruce Arians. Hopefully he will not only involve the receivers more (especially Santonio Holmes, who seems poised for a breakout year), but get the ball to TE Heath Miller who has some of the best hands in the league and was woefully underutilized last season. The question that everyone is asking is whether Roethlisberger’s struggles last year were the result of his off the field misfortunes or just evidence that he is nothing more than a good game manager who is not capable of throwing more than 25 passes a game effectively. Only time will answer that one.

I have them going 9-7 and 3-3 in the division.

3. Browns

Most people expect the Browns to be terrible. I disagree for several reasons. Regardless of who starts at QB (hint: not Brady) they will be much improved because of the upgrade in the offensive line. First-round pick Joe Thomas is signed and hardly missed any time in training camp. They signed the best available offensive lineman Eric Steinbach (from Iowa) and also should have LeCharles Bentley, who was the best available lineman from last year’s free agent class, returning. These three very large men should also help new running back Jamal Lewis . He may not be the same RB who rushed for 2,000 yards in ’03 but he’s definitely an upgrade over Reuben Droughns. His coke business might suffer in Cleveland though.

I know they haven’t really improved that much on defense but I think the D will gain confidence simply because they won’t be forced to stay on the field for 45 minutes a game.

I’m predicting that Browns go 9-7. Wait, before you ask me if I’m smoking crack (someone already did), look at their schedule. They play the Raiders, Dolphins, Texans, Bills, Cardinals and 49ers. If they can win one division game and surprise say, the Jets and Seahawks, that would put them right there. Ok, so maybe 8-8 is more likely, but it’s more fun to put them ahead of the Bengals. Anyway, they still go 1-5 in the division (their lone with coming in Week 1 against Pittsburgh).

4. Bengals

I don’t understand why everyone is assuming the Bengals are a lock to finish second in the division this year. Yes their offense is good. It was good last year too and it didn’t get them into the playoffs. They also lost some key players. Chris Henry is suspended for half the season and with all that time on his hands a marijuana or gun charge seems pretty likely. He may be suspended longer, who knows? Eric Steinbach and Kelley Washington are also gone and they only have basically one tight end.

The bottom line is that without a serviceable defense it doesn’t matter how good the offense is. The Colts already proved that. They did add Leon Hall at CB but they are really going to miss Odell Thurman and David Pollack. I’ve watched Chinedum Ndukwe at Notre Dame; he’s not that good. Leon Hall on the other hand is a pretty good pick and should add to the already solid secondary.

The Bengals will finish 8-8 this year and 3-3 in the division.

The Way I Live

Oh, the sweet sounds of a podcast. I think I am the only one that listens to these things, which is sad because I'm the one talking. I guess it just keeps feeding that already full ego of mine.

PMPC (This one is better. Sorry about that last one. Anyone listening must have been confused as hell.)



Best and enjoy the work day! The piture is from part of a joke I pulled via text yesterday. Basically, it involves me hooking up with someone who is later found out to be Big Boy.

Guy’s Favorite “Guys” (Vol. 2 [Concert Edition])

Wednesday night, I attended the Incubus concert in Cleveland with my girlfriend (adorable, isn’t it?). Talk about an absolute gold mine of guys. I don’t even know if I will be able to sleep tonight after writing and publishing the article. It’s like ripping off Isiah in a trade.

Rocking Out and Maybe a Little Too Old for this Stuff Guy

You know this one. He’s a 30, maybe even a 40-something. Bandana, ripped jeans and cut off or a band t-shirt (possibly from the glory days). He’s putting up his "rocking out" sign with pride and awkwardly dancing around. I’m guessing he is the guy that still talks about “that big play he made in the football game against the rivals back in high school.” To sum it up? An absolute shame.

Wearing the T-shirt of the Band that is Playing Guy

Props to Jeremy Piven’s character on PCU for this one. Maybe not many are familiar with that movie, but he cracks a similar joke. In short, you don’t want to be “that guy.” (Note: sometimes he and a little too old for this stuff guy go hand in hand).

So pissed off that he is at the concert because he had to bring his kid(s) Guy

At an indoor-outdoor type venue like Time Warner Cable Amphitheater, guys like these stick out like sore thumbs. They are about as far back in the standing area as they can be and just look bored to death. I’d rather not talk about this now because I just imagine myself being this guy in about 20 years taking my daughter to see 2023’s American Idol winner.

Shirt Off with Intense Body Odor Guy

Part of me sympathizes with these guys, because they are usually really sweaty and just get desperate, so the first thing to go is the shirt. I’m a sweater, so I understand the discomfort-- I just feel these are the kinds of things you need to know about me. What I don’t get is why every time I see one of these guys, I feel like they’re bumping into me on purpose. Oh, and they smell like complete shit.

Knows All of the Band Members First Names Guy

Man, aren’t these guys cultured? He talks about Brandon on the vocals or Jose bangin’ those drums like he’s been next door neighbors with them since they were in grade school (I did have to look up Jose’s name; just letting you know I wasn’t that guy tonight). “Man, Mike really goes to town on this solo coming up.” You guys are so chill.

Honorable mentions:

  • Random Dancing Girl(s)-- a lock for every concert
  • Hacky Sack Guys-- pretty standard depending on the show (see: punk rock)
  • Annoying Little Girls that Scream and Yell about the Cute Lead Singer-- usually the daughter(s) of So pissed off that he is at the concert because he had to bring his kid(s) Guy
  • Drunk and Singing Along Obnoxiously Guy-- a distant cousin of Wearing the T-shirt of the Band that is Playing Guy

Please note that a few “girls” made honorable mention. Usually I try to restrict my rules as pretty close to the vest, but with an event going on like a concert, exceptions need to be made.

That pretty much sums it up. In case you were wondering, it was a pretty decent concert. (Stop reading if you don’t know/like Incubus). They didn’t even play Pardon Me, Stellar, or Warning! But they did end the show with Aqueous Transmission, which was cool. That’s all.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Ohio Bridesmaids: We Care about "Who's Now"

Not again, and not ESPN. I’m beginning to think this is some kind of sick joke.We’ve already documented the 2nd place finishes of the Ohio State Buckeye football and basketball teams, as well as the crushing defeat of the the Cavaliers at the hands of the French flag waving Tony Parker and his Spurs. Next, came the loss of the Columbus Destroyers in the Arena whatever you call it. However, we thought the insanity was over until the Cleveland Indians made an improbable run to the World Series only to suffer a loss to whichever NL team plays poorly enough to sneak in. (I won’t even begin to touch on the rumors of Michael Vick’s planned midseason raid of the Dawg Pound.)

Now, we find out that Lebron James is facing Tiger Woods in ESPN’s “Who’s Now” championship. You’ve got to be kidding me. Lebron navigated through his tough bracket defeating Kelly Slater, who’s nickname in the bracket was the fitting “Who’s That”. I think she may have been in Playboy, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. In the semifinals, Lebron took down Shaquille O’Neil, setting up a match-up with ESPN’s “King of Swing” Tiger Woods. We all know how this one is going to end.

I’m pretty sure Tiger doesn’t lose unless he wants to. One would be foolish to assume he’s not going to do everything in his power to ensure victory, even if that means skipping his preparation for the PGA Championship to vote for himself 1 million times over the next day. Hey, the guy is an absolute nut. So, the trend will most certainly continue regardless of any attempt by Stuart Scott to sway the vote with his “Boo-Yahs” and “Cooler than the other side of the pillow’ references during Lebron’s highlight package.

We were beginning to think that Ohio, the bridesmaid, would eventually get her chance. I guess that’s not the case. Ohio is like the really fat, ugly bridesmaid who lost her shot at getting married a few too many twinkies ago. The state of Florida crushed any Ohio State Buckeye title hopes, and now it looks like one of its residents will do the same. It’s unfortunate, a “Who’s Now” victory would have completely made up for the other crushing Ohio defeats. Wait, not at all, but it would have been a start. A really, really small and annoying start.

Damn, Lebron even played second fiddle to Kimmel at the ESPY’s.

(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment. All information contained above came from Guy who was attending a concert and had no internet access.)

The Crap Your Pants Diet

Drug company GlaxoSmithKline has created the first over the counter weight loss pill (called Alli) and it’s creating quite a stir. Why? Well, because it makes you shit yourself. Seriously. The manufacturer has been up front about the potential side effect, yet it still seems to be selling well. It seems if you intake more than the recommended amount of fat there can be some uncontrollable side effects.

“I’ve pooped my pants 3 times today, and sorry to get descriptive but it even leaked onto the couch at one point!” writes one user.

Another user writes:, “Ya know how when you start moving around in the morning you pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”

There have even been stories of people running to the bathroom at work with poop running down their leg. Eww. That’s just sick.

But it really is a novel idea. If the thought of shitting yourself in public isn’t enough to make you eat healthier then I don’t see what is.

Diet Pill's Icky Side Effects Keep Users Honest

Harry Potter and the Order of the Pedophile

written by special guest KingKongBundy

In light of the final Harry Potter book being released and the fanaticism that follows I thought I would pass on a story that I find all in all disturbing.

So as I am sitting in sitting at my desk typing up my cover letter on my TPS reports, my co-worker Ryan, sends me an IM telling me that if I want to see the coolest thing I have ever seen in my life, to go to the following link http://media.universalorlando.com/harrypotter.

This is the new Universal Orlando Harry Potter Theme Park. Now let me inform you this is a 37 year old, white, male, has two sons, and his s/n is GenericWhiteMale (Thank you “How to Catch a Predator”). I rarely, though ever so often, do I hear a grown man talk about Disneyland like it’s the greatest place on earth, but this man could not shut up about this Disneyland-style theme park.

Now the part that concerns me, after watching a marathon of Chris Hansen’s ground breaking “How to Catch a Predator” I can not help but think, when are they going to air the special edition “How to Catch a Predator: Harry Potterland Edition”??

Now let me lay this out for you, do you know what will be available at this theme park?

1) Riding Broomsticks (We all know how this goes)

2) Wielding Wands (We all know Chris Henry’s Magic Stick will be there)

3) Flicking Bernie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans (We mean every flavor)

If this is all not a perfect recipe for a Pedophile’s dreamland, please tell what is.
In conclusion, do you want this man dueling wands with your kids?

It's Delivery, not DiGiorno

In the recent past, rumors have swirled about regarding the heist that Log's Blog and friends were attempting to pull on both pizza places and Cleveland athletes (primarily Damon Jones). Tuesday night, all of our dreams came true. However, I regret to inform you that there is no photographical evidence due to the bad quality of the pictures/videos we tried to take. It was simply too dark to get anything even close to good. But allow me to paint you a little picture.

At about 10:00pm, five men with a plan started their trek from Jacobs’ Field to the neighborhood of Damon Jones. Sadly, he was not home to take part in the festivities that were about to take place at his house. It was ignorant of us to think that a guy like Damon Jones would be home on any night of the week. Anyway, a simple order of 2 large pizzas, Howie Bread, and a two-liter were on their way from Hungry Howie’s-- but Damon wasn’t there to feast. The delivery man still put on a great show as we followed him back to Howie’s home base, as he appeared quite pissed off while explaining the ordeal to his co-workers (and rightfully so).

After the amusing, yet disappointing, run at Damon’s house, Paul Byrd’s was next on the agenda. Upon staking out the scene to get a good grip on the situation, Byrd was easily viewable in his living room, hanging out with no shirt on, which was easily the highlight of the night at this point (we’ve gotta look into getting Rich Garces’ address). Then, Coop called in the pizza from Papa Johns at about 11:30pm (two large pizzas, one with green peppers and pepperoni, one with sausage and mushrooms, cheese sticks, and a two-liter of Coke-- in case you were wondering). At first, the plan was to be on foot, “just taking a stroll through the neighborhood.” After realizing how bad of an idea it was, we just parked the car on the opposite side of the street of Byrd’s house, where the front door was right in our sites. Then we waited-- after all, Papa Johns gave us a 40 minutes to an hour time-frame. After about 45 minutes, the delivery car pulls into the driveway. A pizza girl (yes, girl) strolled up with the pizza not knowing what was about to hit her. She knocked. Nothing. She knocked again. Nothing. Then she went back to the car, looking to make a phone call to the number that we gave Papa Johns (which just happened to be a friend back home who was waiting for the call). She called and I’m sure the conversation went something like this--

Pizza girl-- I’m outside of your house with your order sir
Our intoxicated friend-- Yeah I’ll be right down thanks!

She goes back up. Knocks again. Still nothing. Knocks one more time-- and there he is! Paul Byrd himself flicks on the porch lights and tells the girl to go away! And the kicker-- he’s pitching Wednesday night! I swear to God I didn't even know until after the fact.

Sorry, Paulie. We love you, but it had to be done.

(Note: A special thanks to everyone involved. You know who you are)

Complimenting Ainge and McHale: What in the hell is going on?


I’m still not sure that Kevin Garnett has actually been traded as I’ve been hearing his name on the block for the better part of 10 years, but I have to believe the photos I saw of him standing in between Paul Pierce and Ray Allen weren’t just the creation of a photoshop extraordinaire. In the photo, Garnett is holding up his new #5 Celtics jersey. I suspect its one of five numbers yet to be retired by the Celtics, and wholeheartedly believe Garnett originally vetoed any trade to the Celtics because his jersey choices were being severely restricted. If the Big Three all perform well for Boston, their jerseys will be retired and the next big star to sign with the Celtics will be forced to take a decimal number or one in the triple digits. Thank god Bill Walton’s knees were shot when he signed with the Celtics!

The trade has the city of Boston buzzing, and the Celtics have a legitimate shot of making it to the NBA finals assuming Ainge’s master plan doesn’t involve the Big Three playing five on three. The Celtics had to give up their core of young talent to get Garnett, and are left filling in the smaller pieces of the puzzle both at point guard and the center position. The # of players traded by the Celtics for Garnett actually broke the record for most given up in one trade. The Rockets held the record previously, giving 6 players up when they acquired Scottie Pippen.

Saying all of that, I think the trade was beneficial to both parties involved. The T-Wolves acquired Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomez, Gerald Green, Theo Ratliff and his expiring contract, and good old Bassy Telfair. They will have some wiggle room once they deal with Ratliff and Jefferson is one of the most talented young low post players in the league. Gerald Green is insanely gifted athletically, and if he progresses as expected, we can expect big things out of him for years to come. McHale will also be able to build through the draft as they acquired the rights to two future draft picks from the Celtics. I won’t comment on Telfair as he’ll be kicked out of the League by 2009. Overall, I think the T-Wolves got what they could for Garnett, and the deal works better than the speculated trades which had Garnett being moved to Phoenix or LA. McHale actually handled the situation properly, and is probably secretly rooting for the Celtics to win a championship anyway, so it seems pretty logical.

People have to give Ainge two big thumbs up if this was part of his “master plan.” He realized his time in Boston was nearing an end if the Celtics didn’t immediately make roster updates. From what I gathered, the Celtics and the city of Boston weren’t willing to wait another 3-5 years as their young nucleus of talent developed. The city wants a championship now, and Ainge gives them a shot at winning one. He was able to hold onto Paul Pierce, pick up Ray Allen on draft day, and then use those players to make the trade worthwhile for Garnett. KG wants to win, and Ainge was able to convince him that Boston was the place it was most likely to happen.

Doc Rivers doesn’t have any excuses now. I’ve tended to back off as others have voiced their opinions about his shitty coaching, but now its time to git’r’done! (First Larry the Cable Guy reference on the blog. I am both shocked and saddened by this.) Garnett, Piece, and Allen are all perennial all-stars, and one could argue they are top three players at each of their respective positions. More importantly, they are all unselfish team guys, and I’ll guarantee there will be enough shots to go around. Garnett is perfectly content averaging 15-17 a game, and doing more damage on the boards and defensive end of the court. He actually deferred too much in Minnesota in an attempt to get other players involved. If his mentality remains unchanged on the offensive end, he’ll now be deferring to two big time scorers in Piece and Allen.

The Celtics need to continue Rondo’s development (or pick up a veteran point guard who distributes) and handle their situation at center. Currently, Kendrick Perkins is projected to be their big man, but he’s played 2.5 seasons in the NBA and is averaging 4 points a game. If he develops, or they can pick up a veteran center, they will have a legitimate shot at competing with teams out West. Remember, the days of dominating centers in the NBA seem to be over for the most part. I can only think of Yao off the top of my head.

Garnett, Pierce, and Allen are all somewhere between the ages of 30-32 which means they have at least 3-4 years to win a championship. The team could be scary a few years down the road if they gel, and better pieces are picked up to fill out the team. I don’t think the age issue is relevant here. Short-term it makes sense as they can continue meshing and still probably navigate their way through the shitty East!

Injuries have plagued Allen and Pierce recently, but if they remain healthy, look out. I don’t see any team in the Eastern conference being able to beat them in a 7 game series if those three are on the court at the same time. I’m usually skeptical when teams try to create a “mini-all star” team, but in fact, that was the most effective strategy in the 80’s when the Celtics and Lakers were winning so many championships. (Bird, McHale, Parrish/ Magic, Worthy, Kerem)

I am really excited to see how this plays out. Balancing the league and getting talent to move back east will help make for a better NBA product. I can’t make fun of Ainge or McHale this time. They did a damn good job of creating a deal that seems to make sense for both parties. Other teams in the East will be forced to make moves, which will increase competition. It’s only a start, but a damn good one if things work out the way I hope.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Gagne to Boston, Dye Deal Dead

I usually don't like to talk about the Red Sox that often unless there's some news that's worthwhile, but I think this is pretty big. Epstein just landed the best available reliever in Gagne to bolster what is already the Major League's best bullpen. And he didn't even have to give up that much to get him.

Gabbard has had some success this year and is a good pitcher but with Schilling coming back either he or Lester was going to have to go back down and Lester has a higher ceiling. David Murphy is a pretty good CF but is blocked by both Crisp and Jacoby Ellsbury. The last piece was Engel Beltre, a low level prospect.

Initial reports look like the Red Sox are going to guarantee Gagne's incentives so he can set-up for Papelbon and not worry about losing money. Before the All-Star game I argued that Okajima's stats would make him the closer on most teams, so it looks like the Red Sox are essentially going to have three closers at their disposable, as well as several other servicable arms.

As far as the Dye deal is concerned, it appears that the Red Sox offered Wily Mo Pena and Craig Hansen but the White Sox insisted on Delcarmen, which killed the deal. I'm very happy that this one didn't happen even considering the aquisition of Gagne. Keep the arms in the bullpen, let Wily Mo develop and don't disrupt the chemisty. Overall it seems like a pretty good deadline day.

PMPC3WAY

Here is the link to our attempted podcast. It is very, very long. I had to edit so much of it out because Log and Guy wouldn't stop ripping on people.

PMPC3WAY

I also did a long podcast with Bathrick.


I really will feel bad for anyone who actually listens to these things. Guys don't worry I'm the only one that sounds like Simmons.

The Teixeira Trade Revisited

I wanted to clarify my comments from yesterday about recent Braves acquisition Mark Teixeira. What I said was that while it was still a great trade for Atlanta, Teixeira was somewhat overrated. Actually, a better word choice probably would have been overvalued. There are two main reasons why Braves fans’ enthusiasm should be slightly restrained.

The first issue is the ballpark that Teixeira has played in his entire career. Baseball Reference lists the Ballpark at Arlington as having a Park Factor of 104 for hitters (anything over 100 favors the hitter, under favors the pitcher). Turner Field, on the other hand, has a Park Factor of 97. The effect of the park can be seen in Teixeira’s career line. His career OPS is 107 points higher at home, and most of that difference comes from his home/away slugging split.

The other thing to consider is Teixeira’s future, since he will be a free agent after next year. The switch hitter is a Boras client, and Boras almost always has his clients hit free agency to get full value. Now I realize that the Braves will most likely be off the hook for Andruw Jones’ contract and their ownership is increasing payroll. However, the important thing to remember is that the Yankees will also be looking to fill a spot a first base with Jason Giambi’s massive contract coming off the books. The Orioles and the Red Sox could also potentially be interested. Boras almost always gets people to overpay for his clients (Barry Zito, J.D. Drew, Johnny Damon, Ivan Rodriguez, to name a few). My point is not that the Braves can’t or won’t sign him; it’s just that if they do they will pay a very steep price.

Like I said before, this is still a good trade for the Braves. I think Teixeira is still a very good player and he greatly improves their lineup and it doesn’t cost them anything that will hurt them in the long term.

Why the Cleveland Browns will have a Little Bit of a Season

Right now, you’re saying “what the fuck is this guy talking about? The Browns are horrible.” And yes, you are right. But let’s take a look at some correlating history that proves that the Browns will have a successful season. And I’m not trying to connect Brady Quinn’s crotch-grabbing with Rex Grossman’s odd fetishes.

Some ridiculous friends of mine and I have pretty much started calling this theory the “You Just Gotta Feel Bad” Theory. A short look at the history:

The 2001-2002 Season-- The New England Patriots

We all know the horrifying story of 9/11. There is no need for me to dwell on that. The fact of the matter is a team named the Patriots (who went 5-11 in the season before this one, mind you) went on to win the Super Bowl just five months after one of the worst days in U.S. history. Patriotism was probably at its peak in the United States at this time. How many cars did you see sporting American flags after the atrocities that occurred? It was a drastic change from pre-9/11. Anyway, some people actually thought the season was rigged for them (crazy ass holes), but I just think that everyone else felt kinda bad. The only part I will never understand is how the Pats didn’t feel even worse for Kurt Warner and his spouse situation.

The 2006-2007 Season-- The New Orleans Saints

I touched on this in my fantasy football team name suggestions article. The effects of Katrina propelled the city to rally behind the Saints. And it was really great for both the NFL and the city that was in shambles, don’t get me wrong. Warrick Dunn even told the press something to the effect of; if he is going to lose, it may as well be to the Saints. You really think there wasn’t a lack of killer instinct there? Dunn was probably too busy thinking about the fact that the only thing that will fit in his mouth are grapes (compliments to Daris for that one-- I think he finds the small size of Dunn’s mouth more ridiculous than I do). I’m just saying, everyone had to feel kinda bad. I mean, you’ve got to.

This seasons’ candidates:

The Runner-Up-- The Denver Broncos

Tough offseason for Shanahan’s boys out west. Darrent Williams was shot and killed on New Years in a drive-by. A really awful story. Javon Walker was there for the whole thing-- I can’t even imagine. I am in no way poking fun at this death; I’m just saying it’s a reason for other teams to “just feel bad.” Past results, as shown above, actually back up this sort of ridiculous claim. Don’t worry; I’ll go to church this Sunday.

The Winner-- The Cleveland Browns

It’s hard to think up a reason to feel bad for the Browns, besides the popular jokes “well, they have to live in Cleveland!” or “they have to play for the Browns!” Good ones, Bengals and Steelers fans. You guys are adorable, not to mention original. Anyway, onto the reason why “you just gotta feel bad.” First off, the whole LeCharles Bentley story is insane and I cannot believe it isn’t being talked about more. The guy had a staph infection and doctors actually worried about him not being able to live through a night, much less being able to play football again. Well, guess what? He’s suiting up this season.

The main reason that you just gotta feel bad? Take a look at the Browns' logo: the Dawg. The Dawg Pound! You think other teams won’t see the correlation here and just feel bad for the Dawg lovers at Cleveland Browns Stadium? It may be for the wrong reasons, but so was feelin’ bad for the Pats in ’01-’02. The Falcons are lucky they aren’t coming to Cleveland this year. If you thought the bottle throwing incident was bad, imagine a ton of dawg bones being thrown onto the field in protest of Vick’s alleged dog-fighting enterprises.

Here’s to a 12-4 season and a Super Bowl loss. Hey, all the other Ohio teams are doin’ it, so why can’t the Browns?

Monday, July 30, 2007

Garnett Deal Done?

While looking through BostonHerald.com to keep up to date on Red Sox trade rumors I came across this blog that says the Garnett deal is basically done (ed: it looks like Deadspin has it too). This guy says the deal would include Al Jefferson, but either way I think its still a pretty good move for the Celtics.

Look at it this way...without making a deal for Garnett, the trade for Allen is pretty pointless. Yes, it makes them better, but it really doesn't give them a serious shot to make a deep run in the playoffs. With a lineup of Garnett, Pierce, Allen, Rondo and whoever, they would be one of, if the not the team to beat in the East. Sometimes you've got to just say screw it and go for it. Besides, if it doesn't work out they can just dump the expiring contracts and start over again. Wait and see, but I'm guessing if this guy is right we should see some confirmation on this in the next few hours.

P.S. Unfortunately the Celtics released Allan Ray yesterday, meaning we won't be able to hear an announcer say "Allen to Ray" or "Ray to Allan" and get all confused. That just sucks.

Fantasy Football Team Name Ideas

Odds are that if you’re a big enough dork to either contribute to or read this blog, you play fantasy football. With the season on the horizon and a lot of drafts going on, the simple task of coming up with a team name becomes the most daunting of them all. Here at Log’s Blog, our great minds are coming together to give you a few ideas to outwit the rest of the guys in your league, intimidating them with a team name that will surely place you in the winner’s circle at the end of the year.

Pacman’s Rainmaker
With news coming out on Monday regarding Pacman’s contract with a professional wrestling organization, a joke going that way is sure to be a winner. I’m no Jerry the King Lawler, but I will speculate that “The Rainmaker” will be Pacman’s finishing move once he begins his domination. The only drawback here is that it may be commonplace in fantasy football to rib at Pacman this season.

Cincinnattica Bungles
This one was actually used by Logan last year in our league. A witty pun combining the Bengals with the prison called Attica in New York. Clever. However, if you want to go the Bengals route, I suggest you name your team…

Chris Henry’s Line Walking Class
With all of Henry’s legal trouble (read: DUI’s), this one is sure to get some chuckles at your draft this fall. Rumor has it Henry walks a mean straight line, especially when under the pressure of being in downtown Cincinnati under the lights while a cop judges his aforementioned balance beam tactics. (Note: it doesn’t hurt to attend the class intoxicated). Alternatives: Chris Henry’s Drunk Driving Class; Chris Henry’s Sex-Ed Class; McNeal, Henry & Thurman Inc.

Vince Young’s Broken Left Leg
You know what I’m referring to: the Madden curse! Not only is this a surefire laugh, but it is an actual predetermined injury in the making. Poor VY. Who knows, if he can single handedly beat USC, maybe he can do the same to John Madden’s fat ass.

Brady’s Bastards
An obvious burn to Tom Brady here. As long as Gisele and/or Bridget aren’t in your league, this should fire off some laughter.

The New Orleans Saints
If you want everyone in your league to roll over and let you win because they feel bad for you, this is the team name for you. Just so long as someone in your league isn’t named the Chicago Bears and mercilessly beats you in the semifinals of your league because they are heartless ass holes.


Other possible team names that I don’t feel like writing an explanation for:
In the Booth with Tiki
John Clayton’s Pocket Protectors
Vick, in Shotgun Formation
Pasquarelli’s Canolis
Quinn’s QT’s
Favre’s “Retirement” Speech
Salisbury’s Tube Steak - explanation here

Trade Deadline Loooooming

After lots of talk and speculation we've finally had a deal worth talking about. Teixeria (and reliever Ron Mahay) were traded to the Braves for Jarrod Saltalamacchia. While I think Teixeria is a little overvalued, this is still a good deal for the Braves. They needed to make a move and gain some ground on the Phils while Utley is out. They gave up a very good player in Saltalamacchia, but he was basically redundant because of Brian McCann.

From everything I've been reading it looks like Jermaine Dye could very well be a Red Sox before long. This scares me. Yes, Dye would be a good fourth outfielder and an upgrade over Wily Mo Pena. But I've heard that they might have to give up Manny Delcarmen to get him which makes no sense. Why downgrade your bullpen to upgrade your bench? Not to mention the fact that Dye has voiced his concerns about playing time and could be a problem in the clubhouse if he is reduced to back up for J.D. Drew.

There's been a lot of talk about a lot of players potentially being moved, but in my opinion there are only a few who could make a difference. Obviously when and if Gagne and Dotel get moved that is going to help someone. But I really believe that Jose Contreras could be beneficial to an NL team looking for some rotational help. We'll see what happens.

P.S. If you're asking yourself what Kruk has to do with this article, he has nothing to do with it. I just thought this was a funny picture.

What You Missed While You Were Eagerly Anticipating Number 755

Alberto Contador won the Tour de France by default, as he was the only rider left who hadn’t test positive for some sort of drug.

The Cubbies continue to win with Carlos Zambrano slugging his way to victory.

Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. were inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame this weekend. Things got a little awkward during the post-induction celebration when Tony ate Cal.

Jose Canseco claims to “have something” on A-Rod and that we’ll just have to wait and see what it is. There are so many inappropriate jokes that could be made right now. My brain may explode.

The co-defendants in the Mike Vick case pled guilty, meaning its likely that they will take a plea and testify against Vick. No jokes here, Vick’s just f****d.

In some rather scary news, Knicks’ power forward Eddy Curry was robbed at gunpoint in his Chicago home. In the police report Curry listed two dozen jelly donuts and a gallon of moose tracks ice cream as the two most important missing items.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Mr. Heather Kozar is Back

The Jacksonville Jaguars are giving former first overall pick Tim Couch another chance, awarding him with a 2 year contract for the veterans’ minimum. Couch was picked by the Cleveland Browns, and since then is the Browns’ most winning quarterback, which is actually kind of sad once you think about it. What most people don’t remember is that Couch is the one that led the Browns to the playoffs in 2002, only to be injured in the final game of the regular season and have ass hole Butch Davis give his job to Kelly Holcomb on “a gut feeling” going into the 2003 season. Holcomb threw for, like, a lot of yards against the Steelers in that playoff loss, which was apparently enough to sell Davis on his quarterbacking abilities as a starter. Have you ever heard of someone actually losing their job because of an injury, besides Brady/Bledsoe and Warner/Trent Green (guys who went on to win the Super Bowl). This chain of events has not and will never be explained to me in a way that I will understand. Anyway, since then, Couch has been hampered by arm-related injuries. Hopefully for him, his injury troubles are behind him and a triumphant comeback is on the horizon. Who knows, maybe David Garrard and Byron Leftwich will be too busy gawking at Mrs. Couch (former Playboy Playmate) to throw complete passes.

The First Cut is not the Deepest

Ohio did it again Sunday, losing in yet another championship game-- this time it was the Columbus Destroyers giving the bridesmaid speech for the San Jose SaberCats in the Arenabowl XXI. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: “There have been twenty-one Arenabowls? How many do they do? Like three a year?” (That may or may not have been a recycled joke). Apparently this game was a big deal, because the Mikes announced it on ABC at 3pm. That is just some primetime stuff.

Anyway, the Destroyers went down valiantly, with the final score showing 55-33, SaberCats. The 7-9 Destroyers actually had the game tied at 14 at one point during the game, but could not finish off their terrific playoff run (I’m just assuming it was terrific-- it’s not like I actually watched it). It’s as if Destroyers’ quarterback Matt Nagy knew that the Destroyers were openly going for beats. When asked about the offense after the game, he said "It's safe to say the last five weeks, we were in a really good rhythm. Tonight, offensively, we just couldn't get in that rhthym - we were hoping to stretch it one more game." It was a good effort, Matt, and the state of Ohio applauds you. 24-for-43, 203 yards and four touchdowns isn’t bad, so at least you didn’t lay a complete egg like another certain Ohio quarterback. But then again, I guess when you convert that to college football statistics; it’s like 4-for-14, 35 yards and an interception (burn).