Saturday, August 18, 2007

Professional Athletes Here's Some Full House Inspiration


This is for Lamar Odom, Lawrence Taylor, Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden, Jamal Lewis, all MLB steriod users, Jennifer Capriati, Ken Caminiti (found with crack), Nate Newton and 75% of those sweet Cowyboy teams. (Just to name a few.)

Actually its for any athlete/reporter, current or retired, who is retarted. We can all learn a little from Stephanie Tanner.

If you don't believe me look at these quotes from Searchwarp:

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch: “They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids."

Football coach Ray Malavasi: "I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it."

Baseball player Dizzy Dean, after a 1-0 game: "The game was closer than the score indicated."

Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh Steelers coach: "We're not attempting to circumcise rules."

Jim Wohford: "Ninety percent of the game is half mental."

Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team: "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."


Theismann's quote is my personal favorite. Stephanie Tanner inspire us all, right now, you trashy methhead. (Sean if you read this, thanks for the link and the tears that followed.)

Maybe I'm Too Hard on Pretty Boy


Yes, I bash Pretty Boy almost every chance I get. After watching 24/7, I started hating him with a passion. He's such a cocky asshole, and an idiot. His entourage is gigantic, and I think he's got about 20 people on his payroll that he's probably never even talked to. He's your stereotypical "black boxer", which was fine, until I realized the roots of the stereotype.

Sugar Ray Robinson, regarded as the greatest boxer of all time by most, was the first "Floyd Mayweather Jr." all the way back in the 40's and 50's. His record of 128-1-2( before his first retirement in 1951) is absolutely nuts. He’s the reason the term “Pound for Pound” was invented and now held by Pretty Boy. Boxing fans only hear about all of Sugar Ray's allocates in the ring, so I bet you didn't know that:

[Sugar Ray Robinson] was the pioneer of boxing's bigger-than-life entourages, including a secretary, barber, masseur, voice coach, a coterie of trainers, beautiful women, a dwarf mascot and lifelong manager George Gainford.

Yes, he had a dwarf mascot that cheered for him at fights, which ultimately dwarfs (pun entirely intended and gay) even this ridiculous Pretty Boy Floyd clip (watch the first 2 minutes):



I guess I would have hated Sugar Ray Robinson as well. I'm going to try to be a little less critical of Floyd now that I know boxing has a rich history of ridiculousness. I was under the impression that the guys 50-60 years ago just went out and fought. I didn't know they were driving around flamingo Pink Cadillacs.

When Robinson later returned to Paris in 1962—where he was still a national hero—to get him to cross the seas the French had to promise to bring over his masseur, his hairdresser, a guy who whistled while he trained, and his trademark Cadillac.
Can you imagine being the guy who gets paid for whistling as someone boxes? Absolutely nuts, and read this quote taken from 'Pound for Pound: A Biography of Sugar Ray Robinson''

Ego was part of what made Robinson great, and it also drove his considerable personal excesses, including insatiable womanizing, lavish spending, and a preening narcissism not immediately distinguishable from that of a child.
If I hadn't told you that quote was from Robinson's biography, you might have assumed I was talking about Floyd. Sadly, PBF possesses strikingly similar characteristics to the greatest fighter of all time.

Pound For Pound
Sugar Ray-Wiki

ND Players, I could have told you that


Derrick Hand and Jimmy Clausen are slowly learning there's nothing to do in South Bend, other than drink heavily and have sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, I've only fallen victim to one of those tempatations, but I'm hoping to change that over Thanksgiving this year.

Hand, charged with soliciting a prostitute, has entered into a pre-trial diversion program with the St. Joseph's County prosecutor. (I just hope Toth isn't still in office.) Hand was busted when he gave $20 to an undercover cop for a sex act. His nickname is now 'Handjob'; wow that was too easy. Anyway, Hand will be forced to pay $316 in court fees and take an HIV test as part of the agreement.

In other news, Jimothy Clausen was cited by excise for minor transportation of alcohol after a 23yr male went in to buy booze for Jimmy and one of his buddies.

The 23-year-old entered the store and bought two 1.75-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka and a 200-milliliter bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey, police said, as well as a case containing 30 cans of Natural Light beer.

Clausen remained outside the store in a Chevrolet Tahoe along with another Notre Dame freshman, who was not cited. Because the older man bought the alcohol, police said, the store was not cited.
Well, at least Jimmy knows how to party. I especially like the Jack pickup. Whiskey can cure the South Bend blues, and its tough to get a DUI in our great city. Clausen will also be participating in the famed "pre-trial" diverson program that obviously is working wonders in South Bend. I know it worked well in Bloomington IN. Everytime I got a drinking ticket, I'd just have to pay a little money and pick up trash on the side of the road for a few hours. Wow, what a punishment!

Hopefully both of the boys can stay out of trouble for the rest of the year, but its not even winter yet, so I don't how realistic that is. I thought Clausen only drove around in a Stretch Hummer Limos, so I don't know how accurate the story is. Charlie's gotta be losing his mind.

Advice:
Derrell "Handjob" Hand: Stay the hell away from South Michigan Street

Jimmy Clausen: Don't ever go to Belmont Beverage; you're getting popped 3 out of 10 times there. Head down 23 and swing by East Race Liquors. I was buying booze there at the age of 15 with an international ID I cut out of a National Geographic.

Rookies.
South Bend Tribune Clausen
South Bend Tribune Hand

Just Waking Up


Well, Kobe Bryant, and his good ole buddy, Tim Donaghy, are still both douche-nozzles. I was reading a little write up on team USA right when I woke up. A reporter asked a kid standing outside team USA's practice if he'd gotten Kobe's autograph. The little kid responded saying:

"No, he wouldn't even sign his own shoes."
The child was pointing at the shoes on his own feet that happened to be Kobe's Nikes. What an asshole, ya know.

Oh, and I wanted to quickly mention that Tim Donaghy is supposedly planning on naming at least 20 NBA officials who were somehow invovled with gambling during NBA seasons.What exactly he is going to say is up in the air, but its troubling to fans like myself as NBA refs aren't allowed to bet on anything outside horse races in the offseason. David Stearn's assesment (and mine) that this wasn't a league wide problem might be almost entirely inaccurate. I just hope its not true. Maybe the NBA should just start over, put new refs through an extensive training program this off season, and get this shit handled before it truly gets out of control. Stearn's under garment preferences aren't going to be the only thing called into question if he doesn't handle this situation. Definitely more, maybe a lot more, on this later when I get the full details.


Later skaters

Friday, August 17, 2007

It's Time to Get Superbad

I absolutely cannot wait for this movie, it's going to be insane. I don't have much to say about it, so I'll just post some videos to get everyone excited.

First, the unedited trailer, it's awesome:



Second, a fight that Jonah Hill gets into at their press junket:



Lastly, a video from Michael Cera, it's not from Superbad because Arrested Development is probably better:



Alright, that's it for me, sorry about the lack of posts this week, we were very short-handed. I think Daris has got one more big one for today; be back Monday for what will surely be the biggest day in the history of the site. Mark that down.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

My Day with Kelli Croyle

Sometimes, when I see a pretty girl I start to daydream. I don’t dream of f’ing her in the A or deucing on her chest, I dream of a nice little Saturday. I wake up and make a nice breakfast (I always make the breakfast, she takes care of lunch and dinner), then we go on a pleasant walk alone, maybe go for an errand run to Lowe’s to grab a few supplies for the day, reupholster a couch, who knows? It could be anything. Sometimes it’s nice to stop and just smell the roses once and a while because if you only fuck them all, you’re going to have an ugly garden. Well, lately, the object of my affection has been Kelli Croyle, Brodie Croyle’s wife and the star of HBO’s Hard Knocks.


Good morning babe, you’re looking great today, I love that white shirt. Where’d you get it? Talbots? I love that place, maybe we should take a stop by there today. They have men’s clothes right? I could really go for a new pair of khakis ... What are you doing in there hun? Laundry? I’ll be right in.




I can’t believe I ever used to whine about doing laundry when I was growing up, this is fun … you make everything fun. ... Oh honey, you don't have to fold my clothes, how about I fold and you put away... I love you so much.



How cute are we today? Matching shirts and everything, did you plan that? Maybe it’s time for me to start picking my own clothes, if you’re gonna be playing tricks on me. Oh, I’m just kidding, I love when we match. Remember our senior pictures back in high school? We were matching, remember? They needed five takes to get a good one because we wouldn’t stop tickling each other. That was a great day.



Alright babe, let’s hurry up and get to the store, I want to make sure we’re back for Wheel of Fortune. I love you so much; this is gonna be a great trip (kiss). [end scene]



I think everyone can agree that there is much more to relationships then just sexual intercourse, in fact 99.9% of the interaction between those in relationships is going to be non-physical; folding laundry, talking on the phone, singing each other the sleep, etc. I look for long-term gain in my fantasies, for the best mate to fill that 99.9%, and I'm really starting to think that girl might be Kelli Croyle.


-Big Thanks to Arrowhead Addict for finding these pictures

Poorman's Podcast is Back, Back Again

SenseCast

Enjoy the sweet sounds of myself and Sense is Common as we talk about sex predators, Pat Summit, a famed little league coach, and Fred McGriff's new income stream.

I hope you enjoy. If feedback is positive, this could be a weekly thing. My favorite part is definitely the intro music.

Out for the rest of the week (probably), other than a ridiculously long ND article.

I love you all.

Everyone Loves Mark Teixeira

Fan videos are awesome, they're especially awesome when they're about your favorite team and you agree with every line. Two Braves fans recently wrote a beautiful song about Mark Teixeira, and I agree with everything they say. I especially agree with their hypothetical situation that, "If I were a woman I'd probably marry ya, but that's not gay cause it's Mark Teixeira." Totally true, but without further ado, two random guys singing about a man they'd like to marry.



It's interesting how they put the song together, it's like if Juvenile was singing country music. "Mark Teixeir-uh, I fear y-uh, hitting home runs everyday-uh, ya play-uh... take tha curtain call-uh, ya ball-uh." Well, maybe it's nothing like that.

Kige is looking pretty stupid right about now:




Hat Tip to Rowland's Office

Fred McGriff Screwed by Tom Emanski

In a shocking turn of events, Fred McGriff’s 16 years worth of endorsements from Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills series have finally run out, forcing the ‘Crime Dog” to seek employment with a local Tampa Bay news station.

Today, Bay News 9 reported that:

Former Devil Ray first baseman and five-time All-Star Fred McGriff has joined Catch 47. McGriff, 43, co-hosts Catch 47's newest programming addition, The BaysBall Show. McGriff is also be a member of Catch 47's baseball broadcast team as a color commentator.

I hadn’t seen the Tom Emanski AAU infomerical in 6-8 months, so I was beginning to suspect that something was up, and this report confirms my suspicions. Tom Emanski wasn’t available for comment, as he’s not a real person. Early reports suggest Fred will have to wear that ridiculous hat that is too small for his head, and point at the camera before every segment saying, “I’m major leaguer Fred McGriff, and I endorse this message.”

I found a site where I can still purchase the video series, but have decided I’m just going to turn my bathroom trash can on its side, and gun tennis balls into it from my bathtub. I figure I’ll save myself 20 bucks, and if I can get a few friends who are willing to stand in a circle, bent over, slapping a baseball around to each other, I will have captured the two most effective training techniques the video offered.

Remember the instructional series is the “same tested under fire techniques used by Baseball World's back to back to back A.A.U. National Championship teams and the U.S.A.'s Gold Medal Winning Entry in the 1996 Junior Pan Am Games a team that defeated Cuba twice!”

Wow, I almost forgot why those teams competing in this year’s Little League World Series are so damn good.

Bay News 9

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year ... For Pedophiles


If you’re like me then little boys don’t make your dick hard, but there is a large contingent of Americans that aren’t like me and Thursday is their Christmas. Except in this Christmas, it’s not sugar plums dancing in the heads of these perverts, it’s naked twelve-year-olds. The 2007 Little League World Series is right around the corner, and so too are the sexual predators that lurk in the shadows of these types of tournaments.

The Little League World Series, Junior Olympics, and AAU tournaments all have the same problem … their participants are all sexy as hell. Well, that’s not the problem; the problem is that people act on their desire for these youngsters. Boys this age are in their formative years, I know if an old man told me I was sexy when I was twelve, it’d fuck me up. Well, in order to target problems in the future, we have to look to the past. Last year’s Little League World Series was marred by numerous instances of sexually explicit conversations regarding LLWS players. For example, men would post gross compliments on Little League message boards under female pseudonyms:

i think that Devon is REALLY sexy! I have met him before. I know who Jace Fry is. My friends used to live in BEaverton and lived across the street from him. I went to Oregon with them during Labor Day weekend. Devon is the sweetest! You have to think he is hot –Sarah

One person even claimed they could see through a player’s pants:

kyle carter does not wear a cup i saw him his pants were white and u could see his boxers underneath without a jock strap IT IS TRUEEEEEEE –Annonymous

Worst of all, a man made lewd comments about an Oregon player’s sexuality and penis:

kyle carter is such a faggot hes so ugly he dosent hav a penis so he dosent wear a cup! lol i love this website they should realy clean this site out lol – Billy

They should clean Billy's filthy mind out is what they should do; with comments like these, the need for increased protection is obvious. The threat of these freaks bringing their sexual aggressiveness to Williamsport is real. Moral standards in America have gradually deteriorated throughout the decade and, without the proper restrictions, the next great sexual revolution might occur in Pennsylvania.

One great sign of America’s moral deterioration is the way masturbation has completely taken over the sports world. Examples of masturbation’s pervasiveness include, Eddie Griffin masturbating while driving, David Cone bopping the bologna in the Mets dugout, and Ohio State super fan Mike Cooper bleeding the weasel in a public library; but it has yet to seep its way into amateur sports. Who says this epidemic ends in the library? The Little League has safeguards in place to protect these boys from fans with guns in their pockets, but what’s to stop those that are 'just happy to see them?’ There’s nothing, and that needs to change. The only people playing with balls should be the players on the field. CARL MONDAY WHERE ARE YOU?!?!


Interview with Oregon Little Leaguers

Little League Message Boards

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

1982: Boxing's Year

I just realized I was watching fights that were 25 years old, which I had no problem with until I realized I was born in December of 83’. Now I feel old, and Jesus, that scares the shit out of me, but anyway I wanted to write about what many people call “The Greatest Year” in boxing history. I was reading a write-up on Boxing Scene about the recent resurgence of the Junior Bantamweight (122lbs) division, and stumbled upon the seemingly meaningless year of 1982. I call it meaningless because I wasn’t roaming the streets yet, and I think we can all agree that my presence has made things a little (to a lot) better.

Modesty aside, I want to briefly mention how exciting the Junior Bantamweight Division has become recently with the brutal and entertaining Vasquez vs. Marquez II, and Daniel Ponce De Leon’s impressive victory over Rey Bautista this past weekend. Boxing fans haven’t been this excited about the division since Morales and Barrera were kicking the shit out of each other. I’ll say it one more time, Vasquez vs. Marquez II was one of the top three fights of 2007, and if it had went a little longer, no other fight from this year would be considered ( and yes, that includes Cotto vs. Judah.) These guys went at it, and the theatrics, aided by Vasquez’s blood-covered face and both fighters’ relentless, hard punching, were really something to see. I need to stop talking about the fight before I have a naughty boxing dream. I’m so honest I would have to admit it to my legion of readers.

Now, as I continued reading the article I stumbled across a 1982 Junior Bantamweight fight that ranked 3rd on “The Best Fights of 1982”. The fight was between Wilfredo Gomez and Lupe Pintor. Gomez was the king of the super bantam’s for over 5 years with 17 successful title defenses. His fight with Pintor would have been tops in almost any other year At least watch the lst 20 seconds of the video, one of Gomez's handlers runs across the ring and carries him back to the corner. My grandma always said actions speak louder than words, so take a look at the fight.

The #2 fight of 1982 took place when Aaron Pryor and Alexis Arguello faced off in a 15 round title fight that was filled with hard-hitting and a fair share of controversy. Pryor’s trainer, some guy named Panama, definitely wanted Pryor to drink out a specific water bottle and made sure it happened. I have to think Pryor was aided by some outside help as he consistently ran out for the bell for every round, whereas most fighters would have been crawling out of the corner after the abuse he was taking. These three videos document the entire fight, and are well worth the watch. (Link to entire fight)



The #1 fight doesn’t need to much talking up. Bobby Chacon and Bazooka Limon’s war was unbelievable and the 80’s club music playing in the youtube clip definitely add to the intensity. (No, I’m not being sarcastic.) When Chacon finally scored the 15th round knockdown, I almost pooped by boxing pants. Limon had one of the best chins in the history of boxing, and it seemed like it would take a miracle to get him down.I haven’t found the entire fight yet, but when I do, I’ll be sure to post it. Limon actually got up from the knockdown as Chacon ultimately won a close, but unanimous decision. It was the 4th time the two fighters had squared off. Please watch this as it is well worth the 6 minutes.


Wow, 1982 did produce a few great fights. The three mentioned all took place over the course of a month, and none of them were on pay-per-view. Oh, the good old days. I hope you all enjoyed that. I’m sorry about the 50 videos embedded in this post, but “actions are louder than words”, especially when the actions are those being carried out by the fighters, and the words are coming from some skinny kid who would probably get his ass kicked by either Williams sister.

Boxing Scene

Mike Vick is One Step Ahead

Maybe I wasn’t too young to follow the whole Sadaam situation, but I just wasn’t interested enough. How does this tie in with this blog post and Mike Vick, you ask? (Besides the fact that Americans hate both of them). Well, I just remember people talking about how Sadaam used to hire men to get plastic surgery to look identical to him so that he couldn’t be officially found, considering his slight image problem. Mike Vick has the same kind of problem with his reputation. Everybody hates that dog killing son of a bitch. Now, Vick’s got some coin (that 10 year, $100mm contract doesn’t sound so bad). So who is to say that Vick didn’t take a couple of plays out of Sadaam’s playbook? I probably would. Well, I think I found the real Mike Vick today while watching the Indians-Tigers game. He was the asshole on the mound that struck out the side in the bottom of the 9th!

Look at that! Are you kidding me? Ron Mexico, my ass. I’m going to start calling him Fernando Rodney.

Let's think about this for a minute. Vick has been running this shotty dog operation for years. He almost had to know something was going to come back and "bite him in the ass." I mean, he didn't exactly have rocket scientists running the show while he was away. He's smart, and like any true owner/CEO of a Dog Fighting Organization, he prepared for the inevitable rainy day. First, he found some young kid in the minors and paid him to get plastic surgery. This didn't take much work on Vick's part; as dreams of more pussy have to be quite common if you're playing Double A baseball somewhere in Tennessee. Also, the pickup line "I'm Mike Vick, and you know how I get down" must have had some real power before this whole dog fighting circus. Think about it, anyone in his right mind would agree to the surgery if he knew you only had to take the rap for any future allegations that might come up. Rodney was young and vulnerable, and Mike went in for the kill. So now as Vick pitches for the Tigers, Rodney's day in court approaches, and he's probably going to jail for a long time. All of that plastic surgery wasn't worth it after all, and I suspect, he realizes that looking like Michael Vick wasn't as cool as he once thought. Detroit is a city full of dog heads as is.

I know some will say, "Well, Vick's a lefty and Rodney is a righty."

To those people I say, "Why must we keep doubting the brilliance that is Michael Vick?"

We all know he is one of the most freakish athletes of the last 50 years. You really don't think the man can throw a fastball with his right hand? Please, I'd be surprised if poor Brian Finneran's hands don't fall off by the end of this year. Vick has been practicing that fastball since his Virginia Tech days. That thing on Beemer's neck is actually a bruise from a well-placed Vick eraser throw during a boring '02 film session. What a sly son of a bitch. Ever since his Virginia Tech days, I knew that scrambling asshole had something up his sleeve. He even had the presence of mind to find a young pitcher in the Tigers' organization, yes, Tigers, so he could stick it to those dog loving fools one more time. No line, to a dog owner, is a bigger slap in the face than "I love cats." Asshole.

That's okay with me, Mike. I'd rather be in jail than living in Detroit, anyway.


(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment.)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Driven

Budhia Singh is known worldwide for his extraordinary talent of being able to run ungodly amounts of miles. At the age of 4, lil Singh was thrust into the public eye after he ran 40 miles. His relatives immediately saw dollar bill signs and lil Singh was cast in numerous commercials throughout India. Quickly, a trainer was hired and lil Singh moved in with a coach by the name of Biranchi Das. Unfortunately, there isn’t a happy ending to this story. Biranchi Das was arrested earlier today after being accused of torturing the young boy.

Here is what I don’t understand. They just arrested someone for torture after 2 years of making lil Singh run hundreds of miles? What is going on over in India? On one occasion, Lil Singh attempted to run 43 miles, but doctors had to stop him after his 40th mile when he started showing symptoms of extreme exhaustion. Like people needed doctors to tell them that this kid was tired.

Doctor 1: "Ya, he's ran about 40 miles. I bet he's tired."
Doctor 2: "Hmm probably, this is seriously sooo cool, but maybe we should have him stop for now. "
Docter 3: "I was thinking that along time ago, but damn, it sure is funny to watch this little guy struggle."

“He (the boy’s coach) even once tied Budhia up from a ceiling fan and threw hot water on his body” ~Sukanti Singh the boy's mother

Admittedly, we should all criticize lil Singh’s coach for his torture tactics, but let’s give the guy a little respect for attempting to instill the values of hard work and commitment into lil Singh. He was just trying to get the most out of his athlete. I know hitting and starvation aren’t the disciplinary tactics used today by most coaches. However, if they were, we wouldn’t have people like Pacman Jones diluting the NFL’s image and uprightness. Athletes would have more respect and discipline if coaches were allowed to slap them around a little. I also know a few athletes, namely Phil Mickelson and Corey Simon, who could use a “timeout” from the buffet.

I can almost guarantee you this; if Earl Woods didn’t throw Tiger over the fence of their local country club time after time, we wouldn’t have the pleasure of watching Tiger chase Nicklaus’s record major number of 18. I’m sure Tiger said, “daddy no” once in a while. Lance Armstrong provdes another example. He was internally driven, but maybe more importantly, didn’t want to be remembered as a white trash bastard child from Plano, Texas. He was driven by the undeniable fact that he couldn’t catch a football to save his life in high school and that his “daddy didn’t care”.

My point is that people are driven by different things in life. Maybe lil Singh character got mouthy with his coach and asked for two servings of Chicken Tikka Masala instead of just one. I don’t know. Everything in life is up for debate.

Contributed by Sockless

The Fight to Help Boxing a Little Bit

Yesterday, Felix Trinidad and Roy Jones Jr. signed on to fight each other in what they consider to be a super-fight. Trinidad hasn't been in the ring since 2005 when he was manhandled by Winky Wright. Jones fought last month beating then undefeated, and overrated, Anthony Hanshaw. Don King will be promoting what he calls "the People's Championship."

Roy Jones Jr. at the age of 38 is getting a bit long in the tooth, but he is still one of the biggest draws in boxing today. He was one of the most dominating boxers in history throughout the 1990's, up until 2004. In 2003, he became the first fighter in 106 years to hold the heavyweight title after having held the middleweight title previously. To do that he beat John Ruiz by unanimous decision, Ruiz weighed 226lbs to Jones' 193. After this fight he and Tiger Woods became best friends. In 2004, however, Jones' legend lost some luster as he lost in a rematch to Antonio Tarver, the guy who lost to Rocky Balboa. He then lost the rubber match in that series in 2005, and has been trying to rebuild his reputation ever since.

Felix Trinidad, age 34, hasn't been in the ring since 2005 and does not plan on participating in a warm-up fight before the January bout with Roy Jones Jr, strike one. Trinidad has only won two fights in the last six years. In his fight with Wright in 2005 he lost a decision 120-107, pretty bad. His best fight was back in 1999 when he beat Oscar De la Hoya by a decision. Oh, he may also be a cheater, back in 2001 he was caught by Bernard Hopkins for illegally taping his hands. Apparently, the way he was folding the tape gave it the same effect as brass knuckles. There is a belief that this style of taping is what allowed him to be so dominant in his previous fights, strike two. He doesn't speak English, strike three.

Trinidad's out. I just don't see him being able to compete with Roy Jones Jr. even with the age difference. This fight will be fought at 170lbs which is ten pounds heavier than Trinidad has ever fought and only five pounds less than Roy Jones Jr's weight in last months fight versus Hanshaw. But we'll save the official predictions for January.

USA Today

Joe Pa Done on Sidelines?

Ya, you heard it here. Rumor has it Joe Pa is considering making the full time switch upstairs. He is either afraid of the sidelines, or likes his newly installed Cappuccino machine up in the press box at Beaver Stadium.

After his little accident in Wisconsin last year I don’t really blame him.Take a look. Here’s what happens when old timers get too close to the action.

Come to think of it he didn’t call plays anyway. Joe stood their looking confused and angry; two classic symptoms of an elderly person slowly slipping into the early stages of dementia. So, maybe this story isn’t a big deal unless you’re a member of Joe’s family or a Penn State fan who wishes he would just give it up already. If he moves upstairs full time, the Nittany Lions are stuck with him for at least 5 more years.

Joe is just enjoying the press box too much. Here’s what he had to say:

"You're really a cheerleader most of the time down on the sideline. I enjoyed being upstairs, I really did. I sat down, had a nice time, had a cup of coffee. I felt like a newspaper guy. I was even able to watch television."

Joe Paterno has been competing with Bobby Bowden for a long time, both from a coaching longevity and wins standpoint. I think Bobby Bowden needs to consider putting himself in harms way this year, so he can enjoy the luxuries and amenities of Doak Campbell in Tallahassee just as Joe Pa is doing up in Happy Valley . How can he expect to compete with Joe Pa if he has to stand on the sidelines 11-13 times a year for a few hours? He doesn’t coach either, so it really should be a problem for the Seminoles.

Oh, I keep forgetting Florida State plays the University of Miami again this year. Anytime someone is near a Hurricane football player, he’s likely to be on the wrong end of a violent act. I just hope Bobby B. doesn’t get so injured that he can’t enjoy his new luxury box. Come on Hurricanes, keep the attack light. He’s old, and I’m sure he carries a lot of cash.

In other news, Charlie Weis heard the news, and immediately asked “How close is our press box to the hot dog stand?”

Louisville
’s Courier Journal


Monday, August 13, 2007

Sockless Says. “Novak, I Demand a Piddle Test”

Novak Djokovic beat Roger Federer on Sunday ( 7-6, 2-6, 7-6) to pocket $400,000 at the Rogers Cup in Montreal. I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell cares? I certainly didn’t until I dug a little deeper. Novak not only dethroned Federer, but also beat Rafael Nadal and Andy Roddick in the same tournament. He knocked off the top 3 tennis players in the world in one tournament. Talk about being suspect. Djokovic was a combined 0-7 against Federer and Nadal this year heading into the event. All of the sudden he ends up beating both of them in less then 4 days time? He’s made a lot of progress in the professional rankings over the last year or so. Rising from 83rd all the way to the top 20 in the last year, and now, after this win, he will take over Roddick’s #3 position. I know that Djokovic is only 20, but in an era plagued with steroids, it’s not unreasonable to suggest that something might be up.


I’ll tell you what needs to happen with Djokovic moving forward:

  1. Check the surface of his ass and in between the toes for needle marks, we might have a juicer on our hands.
  2. Avoiding placing too much emphasis on noticeable mood swings and acne flair ups, which are usually tell-tale signs. At the tender age of 20, they might just be part of the physical maturation process.
  3. Don’t, for any reason leave, this man alone with women or children unless we want to see something Benoit-esque. I don’t know how appropriate that was, but I’m guessing not very.

In conclusion, Nadal is nearly impossible to beat, even when he’s not playing on clay. He is like a jumping bean on the court and his energy and shot making ability make him the only man who can consistently give Federer trouble. So that victory was hard to believe, but everyone assumed it was just a little luck. However, nobody beats Federer on a consistent basis. Every time I think of Federer, images of Ivan Drago from Rocky 4 pop into my head. Roger is that intimidating, and Djokovic needed a “Rockyian” effort to pull off the upset. Yes, I just used Rockyian, and I think its going to stick. This victory indicates that foul play is a pretty big possibility.

I hope the International Tennis Federation does their god-forsaken job. They should test Novak, and while they’re at it, throw Serena a piss cup. I think the results could be surprising, from both a steroids standpoint, and the ever popular “I think Serena is definitely a dude” standpoint.

-Sockless Dilemma with a little help from. (Sorry, I had to give myself a pat on the back.)

Was our Editor in Federer’s Head?

How can you blame Roger for being scared?

So, it was all lined up for Roger Federer. He’s the best tennis player of all time. He’s close to breaking every tennis record in history. He had won 16 straight Master’s Series' Rogers Cup matches; including three for three in his last three tries. Almost everything pointed towards another Federer route on Sunday in Montreal. A 50th tournament victory seemed all but guaranteed as he matched up with Novak Djokovic So, when Federer lost (6-7,6-2,6-7) on Sunday, I needed an explanation.

I can think of only one plausible reason. Something shocking, something unnerving, something majestic was happening yesterday as Roger tried to win another tournament. As his match drew near, a young Logan Conner was boarding a plane that would soon be landing in Europe. His destination: Switzerland. Move over Roger, there was soon to be a new sheriff in town. Well, that’s assuming there are sheriffs in Switzerland, if not, replace sheriff with soldier.

Did Federer catch wind of this news? Was Log in Federer’s head? I wouldn’t blame Federer for being intimated. Log plans on “raping and pillaging that damn country until it bleeds Irish Green.”, which are his words. Ya, it shocked me to, but he seemed serious.

Immediately after that comment Log screamed “I HATE SWISS ARMY KNIVES” as he pounded on his chest.

Federer now knows that Switzerland is no longer safe. An angry, almost famous blog editor plans on stealing a lot of the spotlight, and Federer’s girlfriend if he gets a chance. I just hope the country is big enough for the two of them. I literally couldn’t understand how Federer lost. Either Logan, our esteemed editor, was in Fed’s head, or his opponent, Novak Djokovic, was on steroids. Hmmm, I think Sockless might have his own theory on Federer’s loss.

A month ago I asked Logan, "What are you going to do when you get to Switzerland?"

He responded not with words, but with the picture you see at the top of the page. It makes so much sense now.

To be continued……like any of the great TGIF Full House Episodes that you just couldn’t wait for back in the day.

7th Floor Crew: Where are they Now?

Some consider the 7th Floor Crew a simple one-hit wonder, think Baha Men if their song wasn’t titled “Who Let the Dogs Out,” instead, “Who Let the Dogs In (My Girlfriend’s Vagina).” However, a simple comparison fails to adequately describe this group’s cultural impact. Their impact on male sexuality is tough to gauge, but I’d compare it to the work of Susan B. Anthony for women in the late 19th Century. They’ve sparked a new dialogue between men and women. Men can now feel comfortable asking women if it’d be possible for them to “get mudded” or “run a man train up in them,” just a few years ago, that conversation would have been impossible.

Since the song’s release back in 2004, the identities of all nine University of Miami rappers have finally been uncovered which begs the obvious question, where are they now?

Greg Olsen- aka “G-Reg”

Famous Lyrics:(What’s your name?)/G-Reg/(What’d you do?)/Get head/(How you do it?)/Drop my drawers and let her see me third leg; Chillin on the 7th floor, I gotta let these chickens know, Big Greg is in the house, And I’m fi’n’ to make these hoes choke, On my balls, on my dick, Then I bust a nut quick, On her face, on her chest, Stick my dick between her breasts, Come on fellas lets get weird, Sick your dick up in her ear, While I’m laughin’ at these guys, A second nut all in her eyes

Where is he now? Olsen is arguably the most famous member of the 7th Floor Crew (because he's white); he was picked in the first round of the 2007 NFL Draft by the Chicago Bears at pick #31. By joining the Bears and Rex “Sex Cannon” Grossman, the threat of a man train is ever-present amongst their opposition’s cheerleaders. Overall, Olsen has, sadly, stayed out of trouble since leaving Miami.

Brandon Meriweather- aka “Hollaman”

Famous Lyrics:I fucked this bitch on the beach last night, This bitch was talking ‘bout how her pussy was hurtin;’ Bitch, I don’t give a fuck, let that shit burn, bitch I still want to hit that ass

Where is he now? Judging by the lyrics, you can already tell that Meriweather is one of the classier members of the group. He doesn’t give a shit if you have a sandy vagina, or even an STD. He can’t possibly know what that bitch’s burn is, but it’s a risk he’s willing to take. His risk-taking nature with vagina has translated well to the gridiron and also the parking lot. In 2006 when his teammate Willie Cooper (aka Dub-C [see below]) was shot in the ass, Meriweather returned fire. He wasn’t charged with a crime in this incident because, shockingly, his gun was owned legally. Also in 2006, he was a major part of the Miami/Florida International brawl; he was the one stomping on FIU players on the ground. In 2007, he was drafted by the New England Patriots with the 24th pick. The Patriots are confident they can reform him into a “Belichick guy,” they even brought in Randy Moss to speed up that process.

Jon Beason- aka “Big Beast”

Famous Lyrics:Actin’ all innocent last night suckin’ TG’s dick, Held up on the back of the head ‘til she swallowed all of it, Nigga even told me the bitch didn’t spit, It’s cool ‘cause you know, we a tag team, Whenever we fuck a bitch, you know my boys are on the crime scene

Where is he now? Big Beast was drafted by the Carolina Panthers in the 2007 Draft with the 25th pick. He recently concluded a two-week holdout; apparently the sticking point was Beason’s insistence on the reinstatement of two lesbian Panther cheerleaders. His request was not honored, but in the NFL there will be plenty of bitches for Beason and, new best friend, Jake Delhomme to tag team.

Tavares Gooden- aka “T-Good”

Famous Lyrics:She found out there was more to Miami than just a football team, There’s also the 7th floor king ding-a-ling, She thought 5-2 was just my number, Then she realized, You multiply the bitch up, Dog you get my dick size, First I put it in the pussy, Then in the butt, That’s all pro dog, The condom is filled up

Where is he now? Tavares is still at the U, but, most impressively, he finished a double major in liberal arts and criminology in just three years. He clearly wrote his part of this song before the sexual harassment chapter in his criminology class, we can assume he’s since learned his lesson. Gooden is looking to start this year at linebacker, reports from Miami summer practice show that he will be involved in a four-man rotation at linebacker, he’s had a lot of experience with four-man rotations (albeit, in that ass), so he could be in for a breakout year.

GoMarvelous- aka “Marvelous”

Famous Lyrics:Would you cry like you a bitch or would you try to hate on me don’t matter to me chief that’s why or ass stay lonely, I stay rubbin', stay sqeezin’ that ass for days, Don’t throw your ass at me playa, that’s how Marvelous gets paid, I keep gettin laid, No matter the time of the day, No matter about where she stay, Keep breaking her off and shaking that dick up in yours A

Where is he now? Marvelous was the mastermind behind the entire production, he’s currently a Miami-area producer; he didn’t actually play football. His name is actually GoMarvelous, that's the only name he goes by 'since birth,' I don’t really understand that, but he actually seems to be doing pretty well for himself. He’s got his own label, GoMarvelous Entertainment Inc. I have no confirmation, but my guess is he’s also driving an Escalade. Here’s a link to his myspace page, if you’re one of those emo freaks with a myspace page, please thank him for bringing the 7th Floor Crew to all of us.

The news on the rest of the crew, “Big Nick” (Nick Nucci), Lil’ Newt (Darnell Jenkins), Dub C (Willie Cooper, shot in ass), and T-Buck (Tavarous Bain) is not so happy. As the story goes, Big Nick tried to sling dick at Ned’s sister after the Miami/FIU game. In retaliation, Ned beat each of these men senseless with his crutches. It was a very dark ending to four very bright futures. (full disclosure … that was a lie, I have no idea what happened to those people, they’re all pieces of shit)


7th Floor Crew Rap

Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, ella,eh

My two favorite songs? How in the heck did I leave these two off my favorite bands list I talked about on an earlier podcast? Lyrics for Umbrella if you want to sing along.

Umbrella Ella Ella Ella Eh EH,lla. Jay-z looks fat, but I have his Roca Wear globe shirt so I ain'ts juding da fool. Yes, that last line indicates a new gangster twist I will be incorporating in articles this week. Ehh, ehh, ehh, ella, eh, eh,under my ehh, ella




Side 2 Side- "This is a dance song for all my thugs in the back of the club who don't dance "-1st line of song. Hmm, interesting quote.



"I got a big ole cock, I love a bitch with a big ole bra." Ya, Three 6 Mafia, way to go.

I'm just bitter because they've made more money then I ever will, talking about penis size and bras.

The Indians and Tigers are Acting Like a Gay Couple (Not That There’s Anything Wrong with That)

This AL Central “race” has shades of the tortoise vs. the tortoise. In their last 22 games, the Indians and Tigers are 10-14 and 8-16, respectively. It has gotten so bad that the Twins are only 7 games back and the Yankees and Mariners are tied for the lead in the Wild Card, with the Indians trailing by 1.5 games. In fact, the Tigers have won only 5 of their last 17 and the Indians just got swept by the Yankees in Cleveland. I can just imagine Eric Wedge and Jim Leyland, at Baskin Robbins, sitting on the same side of a four-person booth with a hot fudge brownie sundae:

Wedge: You can take the first bite
Leyland: No, you take it!
Wedge: No, no, no. I want you to have it!
Leyland: (giggling) Okay, fine! (takes a puff from his cigarette, then takes a bite)


Tuesday the 14th, the Tigers will be going to Cleveland for an infamous two game series that is sure to be a split, with blown saves by Joe Borowski and Todd Jones on the horizon. And people make fun of the NL.

Easy Street, Well Kind of


Ernie Els, the Big Easy, finished 3rd yesterday at the PGA Championship. Ernie played well in the last two majors of the year, and actually had a chance to win this weekend’s event had a couple more putts dropped. He was within two of Tiger on the back, but failed to capitalize on some short birdie attempts.

I decided to look into Els’ performance in Majors over the past 8 years, and his results are staggering. He really is one of the greatest golfers of the Tiger era, and with a little more luck, he would have been considered one of the all time greats.

Our saviors at Wikipedia provide us with a graphical analysis:

Tournament

2000

2001

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

The Masters

2

T6

T5

T6

2

47

T27

CUT

U.S. Open

T2

T66

T24

T5

T9

T15

T26

T51

The Open Championship

T2

T3

1

T18

2

T34

3

T4

PGA Championship

T34

T13

T34

T5

T4

DNP

T16

3

Yellow is pretty good. Ernie has played in 31 majors since 2000 and finished 6th or better in 15 of them. He was only able to capture the British in 2002. So 48%, of the time he’s beating at least 98% of the field. He just struggles with that other 2%. I always feel bad for guys who are close so many times. I have a lot of respect for Ernie as he’s a class act, and has never bitched about his ongoing “Bridesmaid” status.(Sorry Buzz) I know a few players who could learn from him, cough, Sergio. One would think he was from Cleveland, and not South Africa. I hope he’s able to keep his game sharp. I look forward to him playing well at the Masters in 8 months. Wow, eight months seems a long time away.

I can’t feel too bad for Ernie though. He’s collected almost $30 million in tournament winnings, and has a really cool accent. Two things I long for everyday.


Chasing Barr: Bobby Jenks


Yesterday afternoon Bobby Jenks tied a record that you've probably never heard of. It's not quite as popular as Cal Ripken's 2,632 consecutive games played or Joe Dimaggio's 56 game hitting streak but Jim Barr's 41 consecutive batters retired is an incredible feat that had not been equaled by anyone in Major League history until Jenks did it on Sunday. It's hard to put into words how impressive this actually is. It's hard enough to retire a major league hitter but Jenks, being a closer, has to face everyone in a pressure packed situation with the game on the line every single time. A closer look at the streak shows that since blowing a save against the Indians on July 17, he has made 13 consecutive appearances without hitting anyone, walking anyone or allowing a hit. Pretty remarkable stuff. His official line for the streak is 13 2/3 innings pitched, no walks, no hits, no runs and 13 strikeouts. No one seems to be talking about this though and I'm pretty sure it's because it's the White Sox and sadly, no one really gives a shit about the White Sox. Plus Jenks looks like a huge joke. Whatever. If this were Mariano Rivera or Jonathon Papelbon I think ESPN would literally hire someone to suck their respective dicks. On a side note, I have a pretty fun fact about Jenks. He never even played a single inning for his high school because his grades were so low that he was considered academically ineligble for his entire career. Now I'm not exactly sure what the minimum GPA needed is but it seems like you have to be dumb as shit to be ineligible for that long. Regardless, I think we can all agree that Jenks is a badass. The White Sox next game is Tuesday against the A's so it looks like he'll get a chance to break the record at some point in Oakland. However, knowing how bad the Sox are he may not get a save situation for awhile. So stay tuned.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Sockless Says, "Becks Gives Me Nightmares"

David Beckham sits out yet another game leaving the 32,000 fans in attendance wondering to themselves why they keep buying these 15 dollar 2 bit MLS tickets. The revolution set a record in attendance for a regular season game on Sunday. Fans flocked to Gillette Stadium in hopes of seeing Beckham on the pitch. The unsatisfied had to settle with watching Cobi Jones prance up and down the field. You can insert the Gun in your mouth NOW!! Beckham has almost compiled 40 minutes on the field since his traveling circus came to the United States in late July. If I was Beckham I wouldn’t risk getting hurt in a pointless MLS regular season game either. I, like him, would fake a month long ankle sprain (ha an ankle sprain…that’s the oldest trick in the book) and rest up for the exhibition against Germany on August 22nd and the European Championship qualifying matches against Israel & Russia in mid September. So if you really want to see Beckham play I would buy tickets for a game in Late September after he gets done with his more important international matches.

I attached the first draft of my letter I am writing to David Beckham. I just hope Beck's gets his hands on it before Posh cunt can throw it away.


Dear David,

You might have the United States fooled but there is no fucking way you’re gonna pull the same shit with me. I remember watching your arrival in LAX on TV one dreadful summer night not long ago. I laughed in my head and thought to myself this guys going to promote soccer in America? This guy doesn’t even start for Real Madrid and the L.A galaxy threw a 32.5 million dollar contract at you? Your skills are quickly fading and you’re sure as shit not getting any younger. I quickly tried to change that particular news channel, but there you were again and again and again. Suddenly the joke was over and the situation got serious. I pulled my blankets over my head and tried to quickly cry myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning sad and angry. I just want you to know I’m not pissed at you; I just question your decision making. I’m upset at the Galaxy and the media for blowing this situation entirely out of proportion. If the Galaxy were serious about “saving soccer”, they would have invested in a player who is exciting to watch like Ronaldinho, or Cristiano Ronaldo. As a matter of fact. I bet most of Europe is laughing at us dumb Americans for getting so excited about you coming here. Starting a mere 5 of 25 games for real Madrid just doesn’t cut it. If you were a real man with an ounce of dignity you, would have accepted the 2 year contract extension with your club team in Europe. With that extension you would accept the late game substitute role and add some flare towards the end of the match. If you did that I would respect you. Instead you come to America where soccer is a joke of a sport and everyone shits their pants upon your arrival. I just want to know what is going to happen when our high expectations for you don't meet up with your performances on the field? I think you might turn into a second guessing, unconfident version of A-Rod.. The media hoopla will be over and then I could get a piece of sound sleep at night! I just wanted to write this letter and let you know that I’m on to your games Mr. Beckham.

~Sockless Dilemma

p.s. Tell Posh to do something with that mop of a hair due on her bleached scalp. It makes her look like a bigger bitch than she already is.

Live Update: Tiger Tweaks Something

Tiger hit a ridiculous putt on #7 to take a four shot lead over Ernie Els today. The putt was a 25ft uphiller from the fringe. As the ball approached the cup, Tiger began moving to his left, getting ready for his standard Tiger fist pump. The putt dropped, Tiger pumped, and then, he tweaked his ankle or knee.

He tried to play it off like he was Joe Cool, but the limp was noticeable. I think the spikes got caught in the deep stuff around the green. Can you imagine if a fist pumped caused a torn ligament, and he couldn't pursue Jack's record for a year or two?

Quickly, Ernie just birdied to move to -5 under, Tiger bogeyed to move to -8 under, so the Big Easy is now only three off the lead. Ernie tore his ACL riding an intertube a few years back, so he must have some sympathy for Tiger. Tiger better be careful, between this and his "Swamp Ass", he might be in trouble.

You're too Drunk to Drive Home

Those crazy German's are at it again. This time, they've created something called "The Piss Screen", which attempts to prevent intoxicated people from driving home after a fun night out at the bars. Chris Henry and the Bengals have been partying in the wrong country!

I won't get into full details other than to say that a video game is installed over urinals, and men use their piss to play. The urinals have two sensors on opposite sides allowing men to control movement of the video car with their pee. The company hopes to scare people away from drunk driving by making them realize their reaction time has been drastically slowed down.

The overall design of the driving game was similar in style to that of Need for Speed, requiring relatively quick reactions. Obviously the more drunk you are, the slower your response, reinforcing the effects of alcohol to the gamer. The game ultimately culminates in a shocking crash-sequence, leaving the viewer with little doubt as to the repercussions of driving while drunk.


Good idea in theory maybe, but I'm thinking it might actually increase drunk driving. A little practice before the real deal never hurt, right? I'm a pretty huge ass, but I could see something like this actually pumping me up after a dozen too many drinks. Any competitor should feel the same way.

AI heard about the new fangled invention and said, "We talking about practice, man. We still talking about practice."



I'm just joking of course, I don't want the MADD coming after our little blog.

Crazy Germans