Saturday, August 25, 2007

Another Cincinnati Arrest: This Time Its John

Cincinnati and drunken driving charges correlate. Just ask Austin Nichols, star of the recently cancelled series, John From Cincinnati. I never watched the show, but I still find this very interesting. You can add his name to the list of many Cincinnati men to fall to the hands of a DUI:

  • Chris Henry (blew a .092)

  • Eric Steinbach (boating while drunk; now an unfortunate member of the Cleveland Browns)

  • Odell Thurman (blew a .18)

  • Deltha O’Neal (blew a .10)

Late Thursday night, Nichols was arrested for a DUI in Jackson, Michigan and hauled off to jail.

Marvin Lewis has some punishments to deal out.

[Larry Brown Sports]

Friday, August 24, 2007

Welcoming Sammich

As you have probably read/heard, Daris has retired from the blog. We wish him the best in his future endeavors. Anyway, the show must go on.

The latest addition to Log’s Blog is Sammich. You can find his past work at The Last Time I Checked...

I would classify Sammich as a sarcastic asshole with ridiculous outlooks on sports. And he's lazy. So he should fit right in. However, he did sign just a 60-day incentive based contract. So we’ll see how it goes. We run a tight ship around here.


Meter Cops Sweep Through West Hollywood

Contributed by Sockless
I was on my way to work earlier today and heard a very alarming story. It turns out Vida Guerra and a couple of friends had just finished up dining at a West Hollywood restaurant when a couple of parking lot enforcers (ys, Meter Maids) spotted them, and quickly developed a masterplan so that they could see a nice rack or two.
After the male Meter Maids wiped the drool from their mouths, they attempted to carry out their plan. They asked Vida and her friends to pose for them naked, and said that they would wipe the 50$ ticket off the record in exchange. Now, technically, that could almost be considered soliciting a prostitute because we all know a chick who's willing to get nude for $50 in a public parking lot is a definitely a pretty big slut, and most males know that fornication is only moments away when "the fun" has been exposed. Yes, I refer to a girls rack, and, well, nether region as "the fun".

Like they couldn’t come up with anything better than that? Whatever happened to; "I’m gonna have to write you a ticket for being too damn Sexy?"

At least Vida, the ghetto skank, would have cracked a smile. Just the simple fact that they tried to bribe Vida for $50 dollar ticket is insane. They see a super hot chick in West Hollywood with her Range Rover probably parked in the middle of the street, and they still try to score a free peep show from her. They couldn’t put two and two together, and realize she might be important? I love the school boy ambition here.

Evidently this isn’t the first time these villains have preyed on the more fortunate. Numerous reports show that the team hit Hayden Panettiere a couple days before and reportedly were heard bragging about it. Niccceeee.

Contributed by Sockless. Now, I must admit I had no idea who Vida was until I found that FHM picture of her. I probably would have tried to get her to show me her boobies as well.( In the words of Three 6 Mafia, "she got a big ole butt", and she can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh any day.) However, all I would have needed is my wit and charm. I still don't know who Hayden is, but I will in a minute. Thanks Sockless.

Vick's Own Father Throws Him To the Wolves...err, Dogs

Predictably, Mike Vick doesn't have many friends these days. His dogfighting pals are turning on him, the Falcons have come to terms with him as an ex-teammate, and now even his own father is against him. In an interview with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution his father, Michael Boddie, said, "I wish people would stop sugarcoating it. This is Mike's thing. And he knows it. He likes it, and he has the capital to have a set up like that." Sheesh.

He goes on to say that he warned Vick that he shouldn't have his name on the title for the house and that Vick also used to fight dogs at the family's house.

But let's have a closer look at this Boddie guy, the apparent voice of reason. He hasn't worked in four years and as been in and out of both drug and alcohol rehab and is living in an apartment paid for by Vick. Two years ago he was denied by Vick when he asked for $1 million spread out over 12 years so he could live in comfort. Now Boddie feels disrespected by Vick, saying, "[He was] talking to me like I'm one of his . . . dogs."

My favorite part: "A picture of Vick's two young children is framed on a wall near the kitchen. Hung on a wall beside the kitchen sink is a long list entitled 'Quick Drink Recipes.'" Oh yeah, and he plans to write a book about all of this. Expect to see that on the NY Times Bestseller List sometime next year.

Atlanta Journal Constitution
(via ESPN)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Fausto is NOT Invited to Grady and Travis’s Tree House

Poor Fausto. First his career as closer ends abruptly last season, and now this bull shit happens to him. In his eight starts since the All-Star Break, he has an ERA of 1.80 (wow), but his record is 4-4. That should be a pretty easy 6-2 or 7-1 at the least. The Indians might be using plastic bats just to screw around with Fausto’s mind. Maybe they just don’t like him and figure they can coax manager Eric Wedge into believing that he should be demoted to Triple-A. That’s the only legitimate way these final scores with him on the mound make sense:

5-3 W vs. KC
3-2 W at Tex
1-0 W vs. Bos
3-1 L vs. Tex
1-0 L at Min
6-1 L vs. NYY
5-2 W vs. Det
2-1 L @ Det

That’s a total of 17 runs scored in the eight Carmona starts. And this is coming from a pretty formidable offense in Sizemore, Victor Martinez, Hafner, Ryan Garko, and Kenny Lofton. Hell, even Casey Blake and Franklin Gutierrez aren’t that bad.

A couple of those wins were probably goof-ups by the Indians, too. I’m sure Franklin Gutierrez was scolded properly for hitting the eventual game-winning home run in the 3rd inning of the 1-0 victory over the Red Sox. The veterans don’t take too kindly to things like that.

In fact, Trot Nixon was rumored to have given Fausto a wet willy after striking out with the bases loaded and Josh Barfield depantsed him in the clubhouse after the 1-0 loss to Minnesota.

At least for him, his contract is up after this year.

59 Year Old Makes College Football Team

People make a lot of ridiculous decisions when they are drunk, and I’ve found one that takes the cake. Supposedly, Mike Flynt, a 59 year old man, made a spontaneous decision to make a college football comeback while drinkin’ beer and swapping “old college war stories” one night in Alpine, Texas. He was kicked off his college football team before his senior year (37 years ago), and has decided to do something about it after one of his old, drunken friends said something along the lines of “Why don’t you do something about it, chicken?” The friend then said, “Caw, ca caw, ca caw” as he fluttered his arms around, and mimicked a chicken. (AD rest in peace)

Flynt, obviously taking the joke way too seriously, found out that he had one more year of eligibility remaining, and yesterday he made the roster of the Division III Sul Ross State. He’s a grandfather. He hasn’t played football in 37 years, and is actually 8 years older than the coach.

Jerry Lernad, the coach who kicked him off the team 37 years ago said this:

"I told him he's an idiot. Gosh, dang, Mike, you're not 20 years old any more. You're liable to cripple yourself.' He understands all of that. But he has a burning desire to play. ... He is in great physical condition. He still runs a 5-flat 40 and bench presses I-don't-know-what. He's a specimen for 59 years old."

So basically, the coach still thinks he’s a cocky son of a bitch, and wants to see the old man get seriously injured. I doubt that any 59 year old man can run a 5 flat 40. Come on, it’s gotta take “Old Bones” a little longer to get the motor running. What position he will play is still up in the air, but he was a linebacker so expect to see him getting ran over from time to time. When he takes the field on Sept 1st, he will most likely be the oldest man ever to play college football. Reaseachers haven’t found anyone over 45 years old.

He was originally kicked off the team many years ago for fighting too much. I think he might run into a similar problem this year while showering. Can you think of anything worse than seeing a set of old, wrinkly balls right after exhausting yourself on a football field? That should be enough to start a couple shower brawls. God, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall the night he made his decision. Watching a drunk, old man make a decision that could potentially get himself killed brings a smile to my face. I hope there are “Cool Zones” in Hell.


This story was written over a week ago. I don't feel like finding the sources from the Tribune.If you want them, I'll get them.

So, when the Irish take the field against Georgia Tech on September 1st, a couple of things are going to be up in the air:
1. My 2.5 month sobriety streak
2. The quarterback situation at Notre Dame

Sorry, the sobriety thing is a little too personal I guess, but I like to let my reader's know that, yes, even I struggle with certain vices. I'm more like "the normal, every day peasants" than you think. Getting to the point, I've taken great interest in this quarterback situation for two reasons. First, I love Notre Dame football; there I said it. I've always been critical of the program and some of the decision making, but that’s what happens when you grow up 10 minutes from the campus. I want the Irish to exceed their very low expectations this year, and I think they have a decent chance of doing it if their young players can step up. Charlie Weis is an easy target, I know, but he is a damn good football coach. I've been quick to call him out when he's gotten to cocky over the last couple years and let his ego negatively affect his in game decision making. If you don't think Charlie's been guilty of that, watch some of the USC game out in LA last year. He and Pete Carroll were in a "I've got a bigger dick and have more power than you" match for the entire first half of the game. You'd think Pete would have learned his lesson after that national title game against Texas, but that’s for another column.

Saying all that, Charlie’s done wonders for the program with mid-level talent. Trust me; Charlie is good for Notre Dame if only because he's been able to shut up the media and Notre Dame fans in South Bend. Literally, no one gets attacked more than a Notre Dame football coach after a loss. Trying to explain how insane it is really isn't even worth my time. Even Indiana University, with our beloved Hoosiers basketball, isn’t as bad. My alma mater was calling for Mike Davis' head two years after he led them to the national championship game, but it wasn't quite the same as what you see in South Bend.

Guys like Holtz, Davies, and Willingham had to keep winning. Their first let down, and they were gone. Patience isn't a virtue over at Notre Dame, its a sin. Winning is not an option, it is a priority. So, what Weis has done should be applauded. He controls the South Bend media now. Nothing he does is second guessed, and I dare say that a .500% season wouldn't mean blood for those sharks over at the Tribune, and WNDU. I think that suggests Charlie is doing something right. How he keeps the soberly challenged Jeff Jeffers at bay is beyond me. Jeffers hard hitting questions are enough to floor even the strongest (or fattest) of men. If you're asking yourself whether or not I'm being sarcastic with the Jeffer's comment, I'm smarter than you.

So, ya I love the Irish, and am intrigued about this quarterback situation for that reason. More importantly though, I am intrigued because I'm competitive and enjoy when people have to say " you were right, I was wrong, you win, you're better than me......and a lot funnier" Along time ago, Logan revealed that Clausen had "a minor procedure" done on his throwing elbow. People over at Irish Eyes were up in arms. How could this shitty little blog know this information before national sports media? Everyone thought we had to be a bunch of full of shit losers from South Bend, who were just trying to create a little stir. I was even attacked, on a personal level, for defending Logan's story. The next day, ESPN had it up as a top story on their website. We were linked on Deadspin, with the help of Wizard of Odds, and our blog counter nearly exploded. The first comment under our link on Wizard of Odds blog was from a guy named Penn State Football, who runs a discussion board on Yahoo!. He said :"What the freak is "Log's Blog"? Come on, Wiz, what kind of source is that? Even if this ultimately turns out to be true, linking to that blog is weak." Now, I don't feel the need to comment too much on this ridiculous quote, but notice the part that says "even if this ultimately turns out to be true", and form your own opinion.

The next comment on the blog read, "Not true. This has been verified with the coaching staff." Man, I bet this guy wishes his computer would have stopped working for 24 hours, so that it could have been confirmed by the mighty ESPN. Stop posting anonymously people, it takes the fun out of my blog war victories. I like to know the opponents I'm destroying.

So, like I said, I want to give these guys an "I told ya so." Yes Clausen did have elbow surgery. I still believe Clausen won't see a snap this year; nor do I think he should. The South Bend Tribune, a couple days ago, reported that Clausen was the only quarterback not throwing any pass over 15 yards, and today Charlie came out saying that he's going to keep the starter quarterback "a secret", so that Georgia Tech can't prepare for the Irish attack. First, that’s bullshit. Charlie hasn’t named a starter because he doesn’t know who in the hell it’s going to be. Jimmy Clausen is the best QB prospect of the last decade, so to suggest he wouldn’t be the #1 with ND’s current qb situation is absurd. After Quinn’s departure, the quarterback position was literally up for grabs. Clausen arrived in South Bend in a strech Hummer Limo, which dropped him off at the College Football Hall of Fame.

Side Note: Just real quick, imagine Clausen arriving at SBI, getting into the limo, and telling the driver “Away to the College Football Hall of Fame we go.” To which a confused South Bend limo driver, who’s lived in the city for 15 years, says “What’s that?”

Suffice to say, Clausen arrived in South Bend as the “next coming”. He was “ready for the NFL” as a junior in High School. He was enrolled at ND during last years spring semester to get acclimated with the school, start weight training, participate in spring practice, and be spoon fed by Big Charlie.Sharpley, Jones, or Clausen? I don’t think that’s even a question if Clausen wasn’t still a question mark himself. . I hope he does play, but I think the coaching staff and Clausen’s camp are seriously considering their options. Does he want to risk future injury or make sure he’s completely healed? Is Weis willing to risk ND’s future on a year where everyone knows the team’s parts aren’t good enough to win a national championship?”

Ultimately, I believe Clausen redshirts this year, and if he doesn’t , I think it’s a shame. From all reports, it seems like he needs to take a year off to heal properly.

A friend, who’s close to Notre Dame’s program, said this about Clausen after I asked him whether or not Clausen plays this year.

“I think he will start on Sep 1st. and will never sit a game in his college career. If the injury is being somewhat hidden, then that is a different story, but baring injury, regardless of who the "best & most-ready" quarterback is. Clausen starts & never sits again even if he’s only 90% for multiple reasons.

#1) and most obvious; is the hype. {He} might as well be getting paid by ND... too much pressure from the powers that be to get him in there. Do I think its right or he should? No. But do I think he will? Yes.”

This quote sums up the attitude and atmosphere at ND. My bud basically suggests that Clausen will play, even if he’s only 90% healed. So, I guess my point is this: Logan broke the story about Clausen’s procedure and it was ultimately proven true. Now, people say our site is going to lose credibility because Clausen might not sit out this year as our source suggested?

How does this mean we are less credible? Our source said Clausen had surgery, and he did. Remember, that is the most important part of the article, as its something that had already happened. If Logan wanted to protect his own ass, he could have left the story right there. However, his source also suggested that Clausen would be out the entire year because of it. He knew that the source was reliable and wouldn’t make up some “phantom surgery”, so why would he suspect that his statement about Clausen’s status would be any less legitimate? I mean at that time, the game plan moving forward was to red shirt Clausen, and I still think that’s ultimately going to happen.

As the season approaches, we still haven’t heard a definite answer on Clausen, and many of Charlie’s answers and some reports from inside practice smell funny. Clausen’s season is definitely in question, and I think he only plays for the reasons mentioned in the above quote: pressure from the powers that be. The pressure to win at ND is very intense, and Clausen might be sent out there even if he shouldn’t be. I don’t think our story losses any credibility if Clausen does suit up. We can’t be expected to predict the future, we can only report on what’s happened, and use legitimate sources to suggest what, at that time, was ND’s plan moving forward. When the news came out about Clausen’ surgery, everything indicated he was going to miss the year. Of course Charlie wasn’t going to come out and say Clausen might not play this year, it would have only meant unnecessary media attention. From a journalistic perspective I hope it turns out to be true, but if not I’m sorry. As a fan of the team, I hope we have to eat our words.

Either way, I stand by the story.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dawg Pound in Midseason Form

Cleveland Browns fans are a rowdy bunch, their reputation was solidified in 2001 when they bombarded the refs of their game against the Jaguars with beer bottles. Well, the tradition of losing has not been the only holdover from the 2001 squad, Browns fans also remain rowdy as hell.

So far this preseason, in two games, a total of 160 people have been ejected and 15 have been arrested.

The crowd at Cleveland Browns Stadium for the game against the Lions was better behaved than the one that witnessed the game against the Chiefs. The number of ejections and arrests went down to 74 and seven, respectively - compared to 86 and eight the week before.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion, but that seems like a hell of a lot. That's like my entire high school class getting ejected. I think we can safely attribute a majority of the ejections to women fighting over who Brady Quinn was looking at in the crowd, "He was TOTALLY looking at me!" Browns fans, please explain.

The News-Herald (via PFT)
Picture via Deadspin

BIG EAST SUCKS: Possible Mispellings Included

Oh, wait I think I spelled misspelling wrong. Please don't report me for crimes against humanity.

I don't know when/why the ACC was brought into the debate. I've never mentioned it. I think the conference is garbage.

People keep asking; how can you say a conference is weakn when it has two teams in theTtop 10 and 4 total in the Top 25? And why are 2 of the top 8 Heisman candidates from the Big East if the conference sucks so bad? The answer is simple. It’s pretty easy to string together wins or ridiculous individual stats when competition sucks. This increases recognition and potential to win awards/move up in rankings, but it doesn’t mean a person/team/conference is as good as another. The top competition in college football exists down south, out west, and in patches of the midwest. Bottom line. It’s about defense, and talented offensive players are going to be brought up in Heisman talk when they can exploit weak defense. WV beats teams in the Big East because they can score. If they meet any defense with a ton of speed, they can be contained. (Not stopped, don’t freak out WV fans) The Big East doesn't have big, fast, quick D's that can make up for mistakes.

On the other hand, WV ranked 109 in pass defense in '06. Their entire secondary is returning in '07.They were ranked #13 in rush D last year, but they lost their top two lb's, and a couple d-lineman. Their defense is garbage. Against weaker teams they are alright. They can score the ball at will, and don't have to worry about teams with a lot of offensive fire punch. But if they play any good team from the SEC, PAC 10, or Michigan, they would have a TON of trouble. Their oppenents' offensive unit would control the line of scrimmage, and be able to throw at will. This would keep the WVU offense off the field, and prevent them from turning it into a shootout. I mean Louisville did this to them last year, and controlled the game. Can you imagine what Louisville would have done if they had a dominating defense to match their offensive prowess? Well teams in the SEC, PAC 10, pockets of Big 10 have this talent on BOTH sides of the ball.

My question still remains, could Louisville/WV really go undefeated or lose just one game if they played in the Big 10, SEC, or PAC 10?

I just think the answer is no. Too many teams from top to bottom that can win on any given day in the aforementioned conferences.

College football is all about speed. You learned that very fast if you’ve been watching the Irish the last couple years. WV and Louisville are like the past two ND teams; flashy O that’s very talented, but not enough speed on the D side of the ball. If the Big East "powers" played against the speed seen in the SEC, Pac 10, or parts of the Big 10, they are 10-2 teams at BEST. I'd suspect they are closer to (9-3) or (8-4).

Moreover, ND proved that they aren’t even ‘close’ with their performance in the BCS the last two years. Are you suggesting that either of the ND teams from the previous two years wouldn’t be favored to win the Big East Conference this year if they were participating? They would be, and they would most likely finish with a record of (11-1) (10-2), and then go on to get routed in the BCS by a team from the Pac 10, Big 10, or SEC. I see a similar fate for Louisville/WV if they make it to a BSC game because of their weak schedules.

The Big East is definitely a league moving in the right direction, but to suggest the conference is top 2 is just ridiculous. I really don't understand how people can come on here and comment without trying to hide their ridiculous bias. One’s not any less of a man for saying “I love my team/conference, and am going to defend it, but in all actuality I might be wrong.”

I'd feel like a douche if I was arguing for Michigan this year as one of the top 5 teams just because they're "my team". I hope the AP/other media is right, but I think they are definitely overrated. Why? Because they have no defense. Some of these clowns seem to argue for their team/conference, and inject so much emotion into the argument that it’s almost unbearable. I know, you guys want to give Slaton (no Y) a bunch of head, and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean the Big East is one of the best conferences in the league. Brady Quinn got undeserved Heisman attention last year, but I was ok with it because I like ND. You didn’t see me running around saying he deserved it though, because I don’t like looking like a fool. When your team/conference is overrated, shut your mouth and enjoy it. The more people start talking, the more ridiculous your position will start to look.

I hope the spelling is alright on this one, I wouldn’t want minuscule detail to detract from my point.

Live Blog: ESPN Fantasy Draft Special

I guess this will be my contribution to Log’sBlog’s (so many apostrophes) tradition of live blogging. My sport of choice? Fantasy football. ESPN held their Fantasy Draft Special last night, in which, they rounded up the best football minds their network had to offer, Steve Young, Chris Mortensen, Jerry O’Connell? Yes, Jerry O’Connell or, as you might remember him, Charlie Carbone from his most famous role in Kangaroo Jack. Jerry actually has a new movie coming out that I’m pretty excited about, Cat Tales, IMDB gives a riveting plot summary, “Rover is a cat who has grown up in Dogtown by accident, and voyages to Catopolis to find his roots.” Jerry O’Connell’s presence is only like the 15th most ridiculous thing about this program. Let’s get right down to it.

The Cast

Host- Trey Wingo

Analysis- I love the pick, he’s one of the only tolerable hosts ESPN has left.

Analyst- Merril Hoge

Analysis- Someone please pick Vince Young, PLEASE

Analyst- Matthew Berry

Analysis- A respected fantasy ‘expert,’ but he’s really, really annoying.

Draft Order-

1) Chris Mortensen
2) Jerry O’Connell
3) Steve Young
4) Mark Schlereth
5) Sean Salisbury
6) Nick Bakay
7) Cato June
8) Michael Smith

Round One

Mort- LaDainian Tomlinson

O’Con- Steven Jackson

Young- Larry Johnson

Mark- Frank Gore

Sean- Laurence Maroney

Bakay- Joseph Addai

June- Peyton Manning

Smith- Carson Palmer

Round 1 Analysis

Best Pick- LT; fantasy football isn’t fair.

Worst Pick- Carson Palmer; Michael Smith is a dumbass. Berry did not appreciate it, “This is a terrible pick”

Funniest Moment- Nothing too exciting to start, UNTIL, Berry starts talking about how you should wait on Peyton Manning, because points … running back … blah blah, but he ends with a HILARIOUS joke. “By the way, uhhh, the Irsay’s called me and, ummm, asked me if I thought Peyton Manning would still be there at one, and I told them I thought he would be, so yea, I suggested that, yea.” -Akward Silence- That was hilarious enough, but Wingo’s reaction took it out of the park, “By the way, somebody called me and said let’s end those jokes right now, for the rest of the show,” hahaha, BURN … Wingo’s presence is already paying off.

Best Advertising- “Peyton Manning joins us now courtesy of Direct TV’s NFL Sunday Ticket Super Fan Package.” I’m not sure that seemless advertisement is gonna be beaten, they leave you wanting more. I’m a Super Fan if I buy this? Does it come with face paint? How much is it? These are all questions you ask yourself that can be easily answered by calling 1-800-DIRECTV.

Round Two

Smith- Marvin Harrison

June- Thomas Jones

Bakay- Travis Henry

Sean- Rudi Johnson

Mark- Shaun Alexander

Young- Willie Parker

O’Con- Reggie Bush

Mort- Willis McGahee

Round 2 Analysis

Best Pick- Shaun Alexander; great value Mark.

Worst Pick- Thomas Jones; Smith is no longer eligible for this category, he clearly has no idea what he’s doing. For some reason Wingo loved this pick, “Well, Thomas Jones a very solid pick by Cato, he obviously did his homework.” The only way he actually did his homework is if Thomas Jones did it for him. His average draft position is 28th, but he just went 10th, ESPN is awesome.

Funniest Moment- Thirty-nine minutes into the broadcast, they accidentally cut to Jerry O’Connell and he’s dancing. The producer tells him, he stops, and makes the cutest looking guilty face. I really wish I knew how to move videos from my DVR to computer.

Best Advertising- Not much advertising this round, but I think I saw O’Connell pawing at the camera during that dance, thus promoting Cat Tales … he gets the nod here.

Round Three

Mort- Mark Bulger

O’Con- Antonio Gates

Young- Brian Westbrook

Mark- Tory Holt

Sean- Cedric Benson

Bakay- Chad Johnson

June- Steve Smith

Smith- Roy Williams

Round 3 Analysis

Best Pick- I’m done with this portion of the analysis, this draft is soo fucked up, I don’t know what to think. Just assume Bakay’s pick is the best from now on, he’s won this league two years in a row.

Worst Pick- Cedric Benson, just awful, 21st pick in an awful, awful draft. I’m done with this portion as well.

Funniest Moment- Nick Bakay and Steve Young get into a bit of an argument after Bakay takes a shot at Cato June for willingly choosing to play for the Bucaneers. Young defends June because of the Bucaneers change in uniforms (I don’t understand either) but here’s where it gets funny. Bakay responds with, “Ok so you’re a big fan of pewter, what does it all add up to here?” Young’s brilliant retort, “It’s on the way to Pluto.” What the fuck is happening??? It doesn’t end there, Young starts talking about how he sang with Bon Jovi and gave a stirring rendition of “Shot to the Heart” … I’m not making this shit up.

Best Advertising- O’Connell advertises San Diego Charger season tickets, he gives a shout-out to his homies in section F-32, he’ll see you next Sunday.

Round Four

Smith- Marion Barber III

June- Edgerrin James

Bakay- Drew Brees

Sean- Jon Kitna

Mark- Tom Brady

Young- Donovan McNabb

O’Con- Maurice Jones-Drew

Mort- Javon Walker

Round 4 Analysis

They’re really starting to pick up the pace here, we’ll stick to the picks and funniest moments. Even ESPN doesn’t have enough time to cross promote during five minute rounds.

Funniest Moment- Sean Salisbury inexplicably used the phrase Seacrest Out. He butchered the hell out of it, which is difficult since it’s only two words, but he was bitching out Micheal Smith by saying, “OUT … Seacrest,” a shocking development. I hope everyone watches this show at some point.

Round Five

Mort- Deuce McAllister

O’Con- T.J. Houshmandzadeh

Young- Reggie Wayne

Mark- Larry Fitzgerald

Sean- Terrell Owens

Bakay- Andre Johnson

June- Marques Colston

Smith- Adrian Peterson

Round 5 Analysis

Funniest Moment- Sean Salisbury offering to trade Terrell Owens for Jerry O’Connell’s wife Rebecca Romijn-O’Connell? Afterwards, Wingo called Sean out for practicing that line all day. Who the hell knew those two were married?

Best Nickname- Merril Hoge just gave Adrian Peterson the nickname “The Cashier” because he’s gonna make everyone pay … nice one.

Round Six

Smith- Vernon Davis

June- Jeremy Shockey

Bakay- Donald Driver

Sean- Calvin Johnson

Mark- Clinton Portis

Young- Lee Evans

O’Con- Anquan Boldin

Mort- Randy Moss

Round 6 Analysis

Hoge continues to mention “the Cashier” I’m absolutely loving it.

Funniest Moment- Jerry O’Connell reveals who the hell Nick Bakay is … he was the voice of the cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Wow, another shocking discovery. By the way, Bakay came back with a joke about Kangaroo Jack.

Best Advertising- “Remember you can play fantasy football for FREE on” I could have used that every round, I guess.

Round Seven

Mort- Kellen Winslow II

O’Con- Chicago Bears Defense

Young- Plaxico Burress

Mark- Tony Gonzalez

Sean- Santana Moss

Bakay- Todd Heap

June- Baltimore Ravens

Smith- Jason Witten

Round 7 Analysis

Funniest Moment- Just the unbelievable picks that are being made here, Jason Witten was just taken over Chris Cooley, Todd Heap, and Alge Crumpler. Witten had one touchdown last year. Ronnie Brown is also still available, and we’re going into the 8th round; they play three running backs, this whole thing is a joke.

Round Eight

Smith- Deion Branch

June- Julius Jones

Bakay- Ronnie Brown

Sean- Chris Cooley

Mark- Hines Ward

Young- Marshawn Lynch

O’Con- Reggie Brown

Mort- Fred Taylor

IT’S OVER!!! Thank god. How helpful was that? We got a great example of when not to draft the best players in fantasy football. The draft was so shallow that they didn’t even get to sleepers. That was a tremendous waste of my time. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this. This is what we learned, like, the only things we learned:

1) Bakay was the voice of the cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch

2) Matthew Berry is not funny

3) Jerry O’Connell is married to the model formerly known as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

4) Michael Smith is a complete dumbass

Get me out of herrrrreeeee

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

$100 Million Dollars (Dr. Evil Voice)

Phil Knight, co-founder of Nike, has donated $100 Million Dollars to the University of Oregon which will most likely be used to fund a new sporting arena. He supposedly held his pinky up to the side of his mouth, and laughed like Dr. Evil as he made his announcment to 100 Oregon donors at Nike's "campus" in Beaverton. Knight graduated from Oregon.

Pat Kilkenny, the school's AD said this:

"Not to be sacrilegious, but it was almost spiritual"
Pat, you failed. Jesus doesn't like you anymore, and neither does UO biology professor Nathan Tublitz, who said this:

"The priorities of the university are totally out of whack when so much money can go to an ancillary activity of the university when the rest of the university goes begging."
Phil Knight has to find that comment funny. Come on, not- a- one Biology major in Oregon wears Nikes. "They aren't "down with the Nike sickness." (I have no idea what that means, or who's quote it was.)

Personally, I think everyone might be a little out of line. Phil's company hasn't always been a becon of business ethics/moraility. Little people sewing soccer balls in Indonesia, Pakistan, and South Korea all shook their head in unison at Knight's donation and comments from the University. But they even admitted that "they do make some pretty sweet shoes."

Alright, enough of this blabber, I gotta go running, and I can't find my Shox.

The Oregonian

You Don’t Come into the OB Talkin’ Smack

It’s a sad day for University of Miami fans all over the country, as the program announced today that it will relocate its home turf to Dolphin Stadium starting in 2008. The decision was made due to the decaying Orange Bowl (The OB, of course) and the fact that they can bring in more revenue if they move.

The biggest problem here lies with The U’s announcing crew. What the hell is Lamar Thomas going to say next time (and there will be a next time) that the Hurricanes get into another brawl? “You don’t come into Dolphin Stadium baby, I know we’ve had a down year, but you don’t come into Dolphin Staidum talkin’ that smack.” It just doesn’t have the same ring to it as his original quotes during the infamous FIU Brawl:

Tearing down monuments, classical Greek structures, national parks, and even the rain forest is one thing, but once The U abandons the OB, you’re taking it a little too far with this sports fan.

After a Miami-(Insert school here) Brawl in 2008, we’ll soon discover that you can take The U out of the OB, but you can’t take the OB out of The U.


The Patrick

I love this picture for sooo many reasons. I don't want Patrick Ewing, or this classic look, to go out of style. I don't really know what else to do with the picture other than post it, and hope it’s worth a 1,000 words.

To honor Patrick, in all of his simple sophistication, I hope to spread this picture over the vast internet plains, so that in a little over two months "The Patrick" will be in full force at Halloween parties world wide.

Such a simple, cheap costume.

Here's what you need:
1. A pillow to create the gut; unless you're already a bit of a fatty
2. A white v-neck (Hanes or Fruit of the Loom)
3. A White Whatever the hell that thing is on the top of his head (Found at gas stations)
4. Some Black/Brown paint if you're white
5. Stilts (if you take Halloween way too seriously)

I love it, I love it, I love it. Thank you Facebook and thank you Pat Ewing, Jr. for befriending me a few years ago. I'm just glad I finally looked at your photo album.

Your dad looks like he's ready to go get busy in that picture. Why else would he be so jolly?

I've got a copy framed on my work desk.

Beano Cook Disciples,I Apologize: '07 Heisman Breakdown

We are less than two weeks away from the start of the college football season. Before Mark May, Lee Corso, and Lou Holtz can begin slowly terrorizing your soul and everything else you thought was right and good, I present you with the top Heisman candidates for 2007. (Beano Cook believes Jimmy Clausen will win 5 Heisman Trophies, starting this year, but he is really old and senile and smelly, so I’m going to breakdown the contenders for this years’ top college football award without his input.)

Top Quarterback Prospects:

John David Booty: His name is almost as annoying as Pete Carroll’s slow ascent to the top of the “Biggest Jackass of All Time” list, but he’s pretty good and surrounded by a butt load of Grade A talent. Booty’s numbers last year were very impressive, passing for 3,347 yards. He had a completion percentage of 61.7%, 29 TD’s, and a QB rating of 144.01. His team is ranked #1 in every preseason poll, and with the exposure the Trojans now receive on a national level, expect to see him sitting in New York for the 2007 ceremony. (Three of the last five Hesiman winners have come from Southern Cal.)

Brian Brohm: A weak Big East, a stacked Louisville offense, and a huge junior year all suggest that Brohm will be part of the 2007 chase for the Heisman. Louisville will most likely finish the season with double digit wins, and Brohm is coming off his FedEx Orange Bowl MVP award where he passed for 311 yards.
He’s part of the famed, but now debunked “Derby City Duo”, which included legendary EA Sports 2006 NCAA College Football star Michael Bush. Bush is now playing in the NFL, so the newest version of the Derby City duo consists of Brohm and Barbaro. Hopefully Brohm, who has battled knee problems his entire career, won’t see the same fate as the now euthanasia-ended horse of Kentucky fame. (Wow, can you imagine if we put injured college football quarterbacks to sleep. Michael Vick could be looking at a new gig post-federal ass pound.)

Colt BrennAn:
I don’t know much about Colt, other than the fact that I hate his name and know his parents are pompous assholes. Seriously, who names their kid Colt?

Colt has the most impressive statistics, and plays out in Hawaii, which in terms of talent is equivalent to an Idaho Pop Warner league. Accordingly, he has a chance at putting up some pretty ridiculous numbers in 2007.

His 2006 season looked like this:
5549 yards
72.6 completion %
58 Touchdowns
185.96 QB rating

He might be as overrated as Hawaiian bread, but he’s positioned himself quite well. I’m pretty sure Donny Kaczarowki, my neighborhood ”All-time QB”, didn’t ever put up stats this ridiculous over his 5 year reign at QB, so I'm thinking Colt has a chance.

Why? Well, you see Donny won our version of the Heisman every year; which I thought was unfair as I was the one catching most of his perfectly placed fades into the back of my neighbors’ pumpkin garden. Subject matter for another column I know, nonetheless, the comparison does suggest that “Baby Horse” does have a chance at garnering some Heisman support.

Top RB Prospects:

Darren McFadden: McFadden is really good. I mean really, really good. He just needs touches, and help from the rest of his team. Many top candidates fall by the waste side every year when their teams fail to perform. The Razorbacks will face a loaded SEC schedule, and winning enough games to merit Heisman consideration could be a problem. McFadden is a freak of nature, has a mom named Mini Muhammad, and drives a ridiculous car that would make Darius Miles jealous. Suffice to say, he has everything it takes to win the Heisman this year. Look at his 2006 numbers if you don’t believe me, Mini could be prophetic a few months from now if she predicts her son will win the Heisman. Hell, his ’06 numbers suggest he has a shot.

In 2006, despite a slow start due to a dislocated toe from an off the field incident at a night club in Little Rock, McFadden rushed for a school-record 1,647 yards, scored 14 touchdowns, and threw for 3 more touchdowns on just 9 passing attempts, becoming a first-team All-American.

McFadden was named 1 of 3 finalists for the 06’ Heisman Trophy, along with Troy Smith and potential Hall of Famer Brady Quinn

McFadden is a pimp. I’d say he was the favorite, but he has an Irish last name and is black. This annoys me to no end, so I’m not giving it to him just yet.

Steve Slaton: Slaton is a pussy. He pulled the “I hurt my arm” injury after turning into a big ole’ fumble fest at Louisville last year. I was so pissed at his bitch out because it cost WV any shot of winning that game. They would have been lined up for a BCS game if they pulled it out. I’m not a WV fan, but I hate it when people pull Kobe’s after they mess up in life; to me there is nothing more annoying.

I have to include him on the list though, because the Mountaineer backfield is tops in the country, and with Pat White’s help, I can see the duo tag teaming the weak Big East; both literally and figuratively. Not since the days of “Famous” Amos Zereoue have hopes been so high for a WV Heisman candidate. But Amos finished 10th in Hesiman votes following his 97’ campaign, so Slaton better hope his ’07 season is better than Amos’ garbage nickname, or he’ll be an afterthought.

Michael Hart: My Michgan bias comes out here in full force, but Hart has the tools, and the offense to back up a Heisman run. He has been one of the most underrated players in college football the last few years, and is it just me, or does it seem like he’s been at Michigan forever? As long as Henne doesn’t fuck up too bad, and the rest of the offense remains healthy, Hart might be sitting in New York. Hart, unlike Lloyd Carr at times, has a grip on what he’s doing. He’s never lost a fumble in 3 years at Michigan. There needs to be some type of award giving out for that.

His 2006 season looked like this:
1562 yds
4.9 yards per carry
14 Tds

Top Wide Receiver Prospects:

De Sean Jackson: De Sean is fast as shit. His 40 time has been clocked at 4.29. He is a threat every time he touches the ball, and other teams in the PAC 10 should be very afraid. I don’t know why he’s not playing at USC. I was under the assumption that every freak of nature west of the Mississipi went there. Cal should compete this year for a PAC 10 title, and with a little more recognition, this guy could sneak up on some people.

Check out this little ditty about his 06’ Season:

Coming into his sophomore year with high expectations, Jackson displayed more of his talent and playmaking ability tallying 1,060 receiving yards and nine touchdowns. He was also a constant threat to return any opponent punt into a highlight reel touchdown, taking four returns for a score and averaging 19.2 yards per a punt return - best in the nation. He was voted All Pac-10 first team as both a punt returner and a wide receiver. Jackson also garnered national recognition with selections to first team All-America

If you still don’t believe the hype, check out this clip and judge for yourself:

Mario Manningham: Last, but certainly not least, is my boy Mario Manningham. He showed flashes of brilliance last year, including the ND anal rapping, and his numbers are a little misleading because he injured himself in that ND game. He’s actually most known for his game winning catch against Penn State that prevented Joe Pa from playing for a national championship, but he was huge in ’06.
As mentioned already, Michigan returns their entire offense, and as long as Chad Henne doesn’t make me stop believing in God, Mario should have a monster year. He was receiving double and triple team coverage last year, and still wasn’t able to be stopped.

Here are some states from ’06 (He only played in 9 games):
38 Receptions

703 yards
18.5 yards per catch
9 Touchdowns

Here are some of the beats he has laid on DB’s across the Midwest:

So there you have it folks. I look forward to the comments. Beano Cook, I am coming for your old ass with Ron Pawlus, who seeks reparations.

About Time That Herpes Came in Handy

As everyone already knows, Michael Vick has agreed to a plea deal which will send him to jail for over a year, but Vick won’t be going to jail alone. While he may be losing the respect of all his peers, Vick’s got one friend that will never leave him, Ron Mexico, aka his herpes.

Herpes is a lot like that embarrassing (and itchy) friend that you avoid as much as possible. Even though you don’t like them you know that, when shit goes down, they’ve got your back. Vick’s always been embarrassed of his herpes, he used to keep it a secret. Back in 2003, for example, when he didn’t tell his friend Sonya about it before he sexed her. Now that he’s in trouble, with no one else to turn to, Vick will be telling everyone about Ron. Like when he meets his roommate, I bet it’s the first thing they talk about. Vick’s speed won’t help him avoid being penetrated in a small cell, herpes is the only thing that can save his anal virginity.

Sure, there’s gotta be a large portion of the prison population that won’t be deterred by an STD, especially those who’ve already been tainted or those with life sentences. If I had a life sentence, I’d be sticking my dick everywhere, electrical outlets, mashed potatoes, who gives a shit? You’re dying there anyway, might as well figure out how every vegetable makes your penis feel. Vick should be alright with the average prisoner, but would be wise to avoid the D-Block.

The other burning question doesn’t involve herpes at all, it’s asking what Vick will do after his release from prison. The Monday Night Countdown guys seem to think he’ll make it back to the league, but I’m not so sure. The NFL’s rules would be pretty out of whack if they don’t allow a guy with a drug problem in Ricky Williams to play, the most peaceful player in the league, but allow a guy with a dog fighting problem back in. So I’m going to guess that Vick will be playing football after jail, but, like Ricky, it will be a little further North in the land of the misfit football players, aka the CFL.

When he gets released, the CFL will never be the same, Vick will surely break records and win championships. The CFL field is about 12 yards wider than an NFL field making it even easier for Vick to dominate (albeit there are 12 players on each side). But why stop at the CFL, the entire country of Canada will be changed, have you ever seen a moose fight? It will fuck you up. I’m not kidding, they’ve got gigantic antlers that get stuck in inappropriate places, they lose control of their bowels when they fight, shit is flying everywhere … it’s a disgusting sight. His impact on Canada should rival that of Doug Flutie and his Flutie Flakes.

This will be my last Vick article for a long, long time. He and Lindsey Lohan’s imminent prison stays are going to make my head explode.

Special thanks to Guy for the CFL picture

Monday, August 20, 2007

Donkey Lips Would Be Pissed Off

There’s nothing like throwback-style Nickelodeon talk. I bet you haven’t heard the name “Donkey Lips” in years. If Salute Your Shorts were still around, he would be having some problems:

Nickelodeon, the children’s television network, said Wednesday that it would prohibit the use of its characters on junk food products, except on special occasions like Halloween. The characters include SpongeBob SquarePants, Dora the Explorer and the Rugrats.

Those characters will be allowed to appear only on packaged food products that meet “better for you” criteria established by Nickelodeon’s marketing clients. The changes will become effective in 2009, when the current two-year licensing agreements expire.

“Better for you” food criteria? I’m pretty sure Lori Beth Denberg has woken up in a cold sweat because of a celery, spinach, and broccoli nightmare. The next thing you know, Nickelodeon is going to start monitoring these kids’ diets and exercise patterns. With less junk food commercials, at least the amount of “what should I do with my 140-lb. four year-old” Montels might slowly decline in numbers.

Since characters such as Donkey Lips, Lori Beth, and Keenan have since grown out of their Nickelodeon roles, I feel the worst for Patrick from SpongeBob. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the writers kill him off of the show before ’09.

[New York Times]

Log's Blog: International Edition

Yes, the rumors are true. I am in Europe. The metric system is fucking hard. So is the fact that no one speaks English, or least they pretend not to. I haven’t seen any especially hairy chicks, but I did go to the beach and there were topless women with gross saggy boobs. Other than that everything is great. Yesterday I found a British pub called Mr. Pickwick’s where they spoke English and had the Liverpool-Chelsea game on T.V. We grabbed some pints of Guiness and sat down to watch the game, err, match. It was the home debut of Liverpool’s biggest offseason signing, Fernando Torres, and he did not disappoint. In the 16th minute he took a long pass from Gerrard down the left side against one of Chelsea’s new signings, defender Tal Ben Haim. Keeping the ball on his right foot he somehow squeezed it between the defender and the oncoming Petr Cech, banking it off the far post into the net.

But Torres’ goal was wasted after Lampard converted the penalty on a very questionable call. Moral of this story: Torres is the next Henry and, as always, Chelsea = douches.

So that’s basically the extent of the sports I’ve seen while I’ve been over here. Hopefully it’ll get better once I get more used to things. I just wanted to say thanks to the other contributors for doing such a great job and picking up the slack. Expect BigLots of course.

Hot Chick Scores

Ok, I'm not a huge soccer fan, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. The USA and MLS have it all wrong bringing Beckham over to increase soccer awareness in the States. They need to get a hot, naked blonde chick with an insanely powerful and accurate right foot.

I seriously couldn't believe my eyes when I watched this. She strikes a perfect shot, and the goalie looks shocked after he doesn't stop it.

Watch this a few times to get the full effect. Think about it, a hot blonde streaker takes a pass, scores a goal, then celebrates like its no big deal.

Ok, the whole thing is supposedly part of an MTV Europe commerical that tries to prevent prostitution at the World Cup, but I didn't know that until I tried to find out when it happened. I still haven't verified that, and the uniforms being worn in the MTV commerical are different than those seen in the above clip. I'll try to figure it out, but either way, it's very funny.

Intraweb Links: Guy's Style

Monday morning is here, and I have shit to do, so I will let others provide you with all the funny you need.

This guy really gets pumped up when outfielders do their job [Deuce of Davenport]

This guy got knocked out. [With Leather]

This guy supposedly loves eating box.[Mister Irrelevant]

This guy is Purple Jesus. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

This guy gets made fun of a lot. [Deadspin]

This guy could have won this year's WSOP Main Event [Homer on Youtube]

This guy is off to do some work. Later.

Poor Man's Podcast: Only For the Picture

I've figured out a way to edit pictures on my computer, and now, I can create my own version of the "With Leather T-Shirt" if I say something ridiculous over the next couple of months.
I'm thinking "Shes' with Oreo". Has a nice ring, doesn't it? (I promise thats my last race related joke until after labor day.)

Anyway, enjoy the Podcast.


Oh Pretty Prince of Parties, Where’s the Party Now?

I don’t know where the party is now, but I do know where the party was on Saturday night … right here. My apartment was the place to be. You see, I don’t like ‘casual drinking’; I don’t understand it. I’m not gonna act like I enjoy the taste of beer, but I will admit to enjoying its affect on me. So, I look for the quickest possible way to feel that. On Saturday night, the quickest way involved Michael Vick’s indictment. I’ve always wanted to read it, so I could make my own judgments. I don’t feel comfortable letting ESPN’s talking heads make my judgments for me. The only way I thought I could get myself to read the transcript was to make the best drinking game ever, the Mike Vick Indictment Drinking Game. I’m working on a better title. Here are the rules:

One Drink per word = DOG, KILL, BURY, PIT BULL, VIRGINIA

Three Drinks = BAD NEWZ KENNELS, ANY NICKNAME (minus Ookie)



Legend: One Drink = One second or one shot of beer

I made a large miscalculation on my drinking ability before this game. I thought it’d be pretty badass to do a power hour before the Ookie Pokie (not a good name, still working on it) … bad idea, and as you’ll soon see this game, like its namesake, is an ice cold killer.

The stats break down like this. The first page is only one paragraph, but it included ten seconds worth of drinking. This was difficult for me, after the power hour, but I was still holding strong. I was pretty drunk at this point, the best part of which was how funny dog killing became. It was also a better indication of Vick’s state of mind when he was actually killing these dogs; I’m starting to really understand him. People always kill dogs when they’re drunk.

Page two gave us a nice breather, it was only ten seconds of drinking. At this point it became difficult for me to read and I was laughing at the end of every sentence. Page three was also kind of short, but there was twelve seconds of drinking. It really set me up for a bad page four, aka, the puke page.

First of all, I’d like to let you know what was happening in my apartment. There were only two guys playing this game, there were about four girls sitting around that were completely disgusted with the whole thing especially the indictment which they had never heard about. Visually, these girls were barely legal but pretty hot.

Page four consisted of thirty-three seconds of drinking; I’m not going to act like I finished all of these seconds. About half way through, in front of all of these sober people, I threw up in my mouth, tried to hold it in, but it came out of my nose. It was the most disgusting/painful experience my face has, um, faced in quite a while. My nose is still burning from the experience, my reputation, irreparably damaged. So, in summary, don’t mess with Vick … period. It was like “The Ring” or something. Through the game he was trying to kill me. He was somehow trying to drown me using my own puke. People of Virginia, if you’re reading this, lock his ass up, PLEASE.

The Onion (Picture)
The Indictment

Dad Wasn't Lying about His Basketball Days

Growing up, my dad always told me he was pretty good at basketball. Time and time again, he'd remind me that I got my decent skills from him. He said he played a long, long time ago, somewhere in Hawaii. I didn't believe him. He didn't seem like the athletic type, but I guess ABC News dug up some video of him playing. I couldn't believe my eyes, but he's a lefty just like me, so I guess I have to believe him.

Who Am I talking about?: Here's a Hint

Here is Dad playing basketball. He actually was kind of a baller, but he could have dunked that breakaway. I would have.

I'd like to thank Jay Morris, who sent me a random text not too long ago that said "You look like Obama." Thanks to Fanhouse as well for the story. You've finally proven my pops true after all these years.

Don't believe I look like OBama, well here's the best I could do. I see it.

He's always traveling, never has time for me, and really hasn't taken any interest in my personal life. Bastard.