Saturday, September 1, 2007

Chad Henne Pooped His Pants

AND I LOVE IT BABY! This was probably the worst coaching I have ever seen on APP St.'s side. Instead of running, letting the clock run down, and spiking the ball, App St. decided to give the ball back to Michigan with 21 seconds. Now, when Chad Henne has the ball, I laugh and when he launched that lame duck I nearly cried with laughter, and then it was caught. So clearly I was depressed until it was blocked again and nearly returned.

Here's the facts:

Chad Henne poops his pants more than any other QB, even Erik Ainge.
Mike Hart is really good and really strong but he's a fucking pussy and gets hurt in every game.
Michigan secondary consists of me and 3 obese people.
Shawn Crable is a fucking beast.
Tom Zbikowski just jacked someone and ND is going to lose.
Tashard Choice will run all over this defense.
Ohio State fans were bragging about their victory over YSU.
Lawrence Wilson broke his leg... that's what you get for backing out on Notre Dame you bitch.

So I got a little sidetracked, fuck it I'm psyched... what a day.

Friday, August 31, 2007

NFC East Preview

Full disclosure, I love the Eagles, always have and I always will. This column will be a chance for me to be honest with myself, a type of therapy. I know all of the football ‘experts’ are telling me it’s the Eagles division to lose, but I just don’t see it. I don’t buy the Cowboys hype either; they’ve got a QB from Eastern Illinois University, what the hell is that? Oh. Well, he only had six good games, made the pro bowl because of them, started dating a pop star, and promptly went to shit. The Giants don’t even bear mentioning in NFC East Championship talk… here’s how I think things will pan out:

1) Washington Redskins, Projected Record: (11-5)

I think it’s completely ridiculous to assume the Redskins offense won’t be dramatically improved in this, the second year, of Al Saunders’ offense. History backs up this assertion. When he came into Kansas City in 2001, he inherited an offense that was ranked 31st in total offense the season before. In 2001, they immediately jumped to the top five. In 2002, they moved up to the 4th spot and in his last three seasons, the Chiefs led the league in total offense. Possibly more telling is the fact that in 2006, his first year in Washington, the Chiefs dropped from first in total offense back down to 31st.

Jason Campbell is an absolute machine; he’s got a huge arm, pocket presence, and a mustache. His teammates have unanimously agreed that he’s been the hardest working player this off-season. The knee injury scare was awful, but if last night is a good indication (5/5, 54, 1TD) then he’s back at 100%. The receivers are admittedly weak, but so were Kansas City’s. Chris Cooley should make the leap into the NFL’s elite at tight end and Santana Moss is better than anything KC ever had. At running back, I personally believe Portis will be healthy, he has acknowledged the fact that this year may be his last in Washington if he does not improve. Ladell Betts started the last six games of the year, averaging 156.5 total yards per game, second to only Tomlinson in that span, but he is not a Larry Johnson-type back. That enormous improvement in the running game should be attributed to the Redskins offensive line having finally adjusted to Saunders’ zone blocking scheme which worked so well in KC and also the emergence of Jason Campbell, which added a deep threat to the passing game. Defenses knew Brunell couldn’t throw further than ten yards, so they crowded the box. Portis should be as good as ever, if healthy, and if there is a problem Betts taking over will be an easy transition.

Gregg Williams’ reputation also precedes him. He has had top defenses in each of his stops, Houston Oilers/ Tennessee Titans and with the Buffalo Bills. He’s already made the Redskins an elite defense, but they have faltered recently. Going into the draft the football ‘experts’ believed the Redskins had to go after a defensive lineman, in order to get more pressure on the quarterback. People were shocked when they went with LaRon Landry, but the pick and their other off-season moves, make perfect sense.

The problem last year was not the defensive line, Williams’ defense is predicated on the blitz. It’s not possible to blitz, and put your defensive backs on an island, when you don’t have healthy cornerbacks. The Redskins suffered injuries to their top two cornerbacks, Shawn Springs and Carlos Rodgers. In 2004, the Redskins had Shawn Springs (made pro bowl) and Fred Smoot healthy and the team was ranked third in total defense. In 2005, Springs continued to excel, but Fred Smoot left and was replaced by Walt Harris and rookie Carlos Rodgers, they weren’t as good as Smoot, but were serviceable and the defense ended the season ranked ninth in the league. Following the injuries to Springs and Rodgers last year, the Redskins have made themselves into one of the deeper secondaries in the NFL this off-season.

They drafted Landry (who Craig James called one of the best safeties in college football history last night) who, paired with Sean Taylor, will give the Redskins the most intimidating safety combination in the league, and picked up David Macklin, who gave Washington a hometown discount after starting for seven seasons for Indianapolis and Arizona (it’s DMack’s World, we’re just living in it). [They also picked up tackling machine London Fletcher-Baker (I hate hyphens) FROM… John Carroll University, to anchor the linebacking corps] The improvement of the secondary will allow for more of Williams’ signature blitzing. The fear of the LaRon Landry safety blitz alone will keep opposing quarterbacks up at night, just ask Kerry Collins. As unsilent majority said at KSK, “Landry just finished off what Jim Beam started on Kerry's liver.” Ok, one more quote about LaRon, “If they go over the middle, I'll bet on him. I'll give him a dollar if he takes T.O. out,” said Lou Valdin, Landry's coach at Hahnville High. “He'll shut him up because he can hit you and hurt your whole family. Interception for a touchdown or put a guy in the hospital? That's a tough decision for LaRon.” Even though I’m a diehard Eagles fan, I have an unhealthy obsession with him.

Lastly, with seemingly no one choosing the Redskins to be anything better than 3rd of 4th in the division, a new voice emerged., makers of the football prospectus has called for the Redskins to make the playoffs. They are stat freaks and I cannot even begin to understand their mathematical systems but they love the Skins, especially Jason Campbell who they’ve been hyping up since last season.

I’m going to say that the Redskins not only hit their Over [7.5 wins], but they host a playoff game. Why? A lot of things. Their third-down performance on defense is going to improve, and they’ve upgraded their weaknesses with the additions of LaRon Landry, Fred Smoot (who is at least better than Mike Rumph, for sure) and London Fletcher-Baker, plus the return to health of Cornelius Griffin. On offense, while Brandon Lloyd will continue to be Brandon Lloyd, the Redskins will have had a full year to digest the Al Saunders offensive playbook, with Lewin Career Forecast favorite Jason Campbell behind center from training camp on. While we’re not sanguine on Clinton Portis’ chances of staying healthy for a full year, he’ll be able to split time with Ladell Betts. I may be a fool, but I think that I’m buying low here on an underrated team.

There you have it, your NFC, and dare I see conference champions. No, I’m going to go one step further, your Super Bowl Champion, Washington Redskins. (shedding a tear for writing that, god I love the Eagles)

2) Philadelphia Eagles, Projected Record: (8-8)

I can’t rationally talk about them, I’ll just sound like a homer, and there is nothing worse than reading something like that. My main concern though is not on the field, but off. I expect a minimum of ten suspensions due to the NFL’s substance abuse policy; the Eagles’ organization has been letting the inmates run the asylum. The man responsible for policing the performance enhancing drug problem, Andy Reid, is clearly not qualified. If he didn’t suspect his own son; huddled in a corner, weighing only 100lbs, pale, shaking, covered in feces, of drug use, how could he possibly be expected to recognize the expanding head or bacne of an NFL player? The Eagles are screwed.

3) New York Giants, Projected Record: (4-12)

Is there a funnier backfield tandem than Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs? Eli Manning is a tutu wearing, cock gobbling quarterback, well known for crumbling under pressure. Brandon Jacobs is a huge, scary black man; there is no doubt that his dick has more in common with a Pringles can than my own. It’s as if they met in jail, Jacobs busted for cruelty to animals (strangling a bear) and Eli caught masturbating in public. They met, Jacobs made Manning his bitch, and they’ve been together ever since, making it all the way to the NFL.

4) Dallas Cowboys, Projected Record: (0-16)

I had a whole paragraph written about how much Tony Romo sucks, but this guy puts into words what everyone else is thinking. No matter what Romo does to try and hide it, Romo sucks and has a small penis. From commenter, “tony romo sucks balls mother fucker”:

romo is a sucky lover and he sucks balls at quarterback also he has a really small penis and has really sucky sperm and he is a fag!~!!!!!!!! his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!his sperm sucks!!!!!

So there you have it, I hope I gave you an informative peek into the NFC East.

Dana White is PISSED

I've been a big fan of the UFC for about 3 years now and I'm glad to see it is growing. What can I say, I love to see people beat each other's asses and boxing doesn't do it for me. For those of you uneducated asshats, Dana White is the president of the UFC. He was questioned about steroids on Thursday and he had some great answers. It was only matter of time before the media started questioning these fighters about steroid usage. I'm sure a few guys have stabbed themselves with some needles but the sport is pure. First comes fighting technique and tactic, then comes strength. The fighters' workout regime is so intense that it makes sense for some of these guys to be HUGE. White has been talking down steroids trying to get some credibility but when he was asked about testing fighters he blew up:

"What would happen every Sunday every time an NFL player put his cleats on and headed out to the field they were tested by the government for steroids?" White queried Thursday from a podium inside the Mandalay Bay Events Center. "You want me to tell you? There would be no football, OK? Football would be over. Every player would be on suspension. Maybe the quarterback and the kicker would be out there on Sunday."
Is Dana White insinuating that Damon Huard DOESN'T shoot up? He really can't think that David Akers isn't on 'roids can he? I swear if he even accuses sexy Rexy I will never watch another fight.

There have been 82 positive results for steroids in Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) since it was installed in 2006. Nine of those have involved UFC fighters and the punishment is a one year suspension, which I would think should scare fighters away from juicing. Dana White has a new idea for roid ragers though:
"It's just, you know ... What do you want me to do? Start beating them with a stick? Drag them out to the middle of town and have all the villagers stone them to death? I mean, they lose the ability to make a living for a year (for testing positive). That's pretty harsh."
I've always wanted to stone someone...

Dana White

Thursday, August 30, 2007

NBC Knows Its Audience

Allow me to describe a typical Sunday night from last football season to you. I had just watched my Browns lose. I was probably losing in my fantasy league. But I was still fired up for some Sunday night football. Even if “Sunday Night Football” is defined as Bills-Seahawks.

Then, NBC decided it was the play to bring Pink, the artist (a term used loosely) on to sing the pregame song. Talk about a buzzkill. It’s a remake of a Joan Jett song, retitled “Waiting All Day for Sunday Night.” Here’s what NFL on NBC producer Fred Gaudelli had to say about picking Pink:

A football fan knows the anticipation of waiting all day for the big game. When you hear this song on Sunday nights you'll know the big game is about to kick off. ... We chose Pink as the signature voice because she is a tremendous talent with a crossover appeal that makes her relevant to all segments of our audience.

Good thinking Fred.

After that debacle, NBC has wised up and decided to use some common sense. The new opening singer for the program will be Faith Hill, who will be performing the same song that Pink used to. Just better. And hotter.

That’s right. So let’s review.

NBC’s target audience: football fans, mostly males, sometimes “hicks”

NBC's first try: an emo pink haired freak that is not at all attractive

NBC’s second try: a very attractive (read: hot) blonde country singer

Thank you for wising up, NBC.

I’ll be waiting for Sunday night.

[USA Today]

College Football Weekend Sports Betting Preview

Happy college football season everyone. Today is one of the happiest days of the sports year and, to celebrate, this occasion we are kicking off our sports gambling extravaganza. Now, to preface the following articles, we must note that sports betting is illegal for most of you, we’re against all things that are illegal, so don’t do it. But for those of you who live within the Nevada state limits or on an Indian reservation, like myself, we hope to impart information that will further your spiral into gambling addiction. Winning breeds happiness, happiness breeds addiction, addiction breeds failure, failure breeds desperation, desperation breeds prostitution, prostitution breeds STDs; so we apologize in advance for the herpes you are sure to incur from these columns.

Every Thursday, I will be posting by college football game of the week, plus an unbelievably informative write-up on said game. The games of the week reflect my opinions, not those of the rest of the group. At the bottom of each column we will each post our top five bets of the week. We will keep track of our records as the week’s progress and at the end of the year, the three losers will have to do an anal bong, Log’s Blog’s customary punishment for losers. The same will happen for the NFL column on Fridays. Enough. Let’s get down to it.


This will be a special GOW as I will be choosing the first game of the NCAA season, Miami (OH) @ Ball State. It’s a little high, but I’ll be taking the Over 53. Ball St is the key team here. They will be dedicating their newly renovated stadium, in which they installed field turf which only helps this bet. They have an extremely potent offense and a shitty defense.

On offense, Ball St. returns QB Nate Davis, now a sophomore. Last year in the preseason, Davis beat out returning senior starter Joey Lynch who, in the previous year, had just thrown for the third-most yards in school history. That record was less a product of Lynch’s skill than a reflection of 5th year coach, Brady Hoke’s offensive scheme. You may remember random ass Ball State receiver Dante Ridgeway leading the nation in receptions and yards receiving in 2004, that wasn’t because Ridgeway was good either. Davis was the 35th ranked QB in the nation last year, and he is legit. In his first six games last year he was #2 in the nation in yards per attempt at 10.2. He struggled the next three games but bounced back to throw 250 in BSU’s near upset at Michigan, he is now the proud owner of a “Leon Hall is my bitch” tattoo. He lead the MAC in passing efficiency, even beating out everyone’s favorite MAC freshman, Dan LeFevour. Overall, the offense is explosive, they look to go deep. They also have a great returning offensive line. They return 4/5 starters from last year and also two lineman that combined to start in 10 games last year. They’ve got one of the best TE’s in the MAC (Darius Hill: 42 rec, 741 yds, 10 TD) and are returning two of their top three receivers. Let’s move on, there’s no way anyone is still reading this.

Miami’s offense looks to be good this year as well. They return their QB, Mike Kokal, who was second in the MAC last year in total offense on a team that went 2-10. They lost their best receiver but return nine of their top ten lineman from last year, that's insane. I’m not as excited about them as I am Ball State (they get me really pumped) but they throw the ball all day long. For example, they return their leading rusher from last year, Andre Bratton, who had 305 yards rushing, a leading rusher that low is actually impressive. In fact, neither team had a running back in the top ten of the MAC, a passing conference, last year. Therefore, there will be plenty of clock to work with for both teams.

I would preview the defense, but I’ll save my fingers, and you’re eyes, and just tell you that they suck. Especially Miami, they gave up somewhere near a million points last year and only returns six starters. Lastly, the other major reason I like this line is because of their game last year. People will look to this game and see the final score of 20-17, and think this is an easy under with each team returning the same starters and rain not being a factor. HOWEVA, they played in 30-45 MPH winds which took away each team’s passing attack and they still scored 37pts. Now, the offenses are better, the winds won’t be insane, and each team is at full strength; these factors should add up to a relatively easy over fucking disaster.

Ball St./Miami (OH) Over 53 annnddd BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

The rest of the picks:


Ball St/Miami Over 53

ILL/Missou Over 55.5

UVA -3.5 @ WYU

ARI +4.5 @ BYU

ISU -3 v Kent St


ND -2 v GT

Wisc -14 v WSU

Illinois +4.5 v Missou

Akron -5 v Army

Cal -6 v Tenn


Navy/Temple Under 51

BYU -4.5 v Ari

WVU -23 v WMU

Purdue -6.5 @ Toledo

Cal -6 v Tenn


FIU +38.5 @ PSU

BC -6.5 v Wake

Auburn -13.5 v KSU

Cal -6 v Tenn

Minn -14 v BGSU

Santana Shellshocked

The great province of Minnesota is known for many things. Hockey, a big mall, bridge building skills, a few lakes, Johan Santana, producing the first fully functional human clone which was named Francisco Liriano, and they way their citizens struggle saying the letter "o." I never hated the poor little Canadian annex until I met my roommate from Minneapolis who loves MN sports. The fact is, all of their teams are so fucking bad and so I'm obliged to hate them, and my roommate. When the big Twins, Indians series approached on Tuesday night, things got tense, well for me at least, since my team is in contention.

The Twins scare me because they are boring. They don't have a hitter batting over .300 right now and there are 2 exciting players in the lineup, Hunter and Mauer (no relation to Kaitlin, different spelling). Don't bore me and say Morneau is cool because no one has ever seen the pasty Canadian smile, get pissed off, pumped up, cry, talk, or breathe. Boring teams win. Ask the Spurs, the Patriots, The Red Sox.

There was that one match up that I was looking forward to this season and for the second time it was CC vs Santana. Let's recap the following Santana starts vs the Tribe this year.

Cleveland - 5, MN - 3
Fausto Carmona vs Johan.
Cleveland - 2, MN - 0
Fausto Carmona vs Johan. Back to back homers in the 7th by Victor Martinez and Ryan Garko.
MN - 3, Cleveland - 2
Johan Santana vs Jake Westbrook. No decision for Santana, Borowski blows the game. Wow
Cleveland - 5, MN - 2
CC vs Santana.

So the Indians were up 2-0 in the series before Wednesday night and the two aces squared off again. To my surprise and shock they lit him up in the bottom half of the first. Four runs, on 10 hits for Santana last night in another loss to the Tribe. That gives him a solid 0-4 record and makes the Indians the only team to beat him more than two times in a season. In retrospect, if the Indians let Santana pitch to them in a World Series for all four games, Cleveland would have their title. Yea, it's like that. As far as the playoff race goes, I'm still not confident. The wild card is coming out of the East or West this year and the Indians can't beat either the Yanks or BoSox. It's almost September. That's close to October. And this all reminds me that college football kicks off tonight and I will have a boner until it does. Have a nice day.

The First Day of Class is So Awkward

313, 314, 335? What the fuck, where the hell am I? I see everyone decided to wear their first-day best, I know I should have gone with the Polo. “2002 Football Champs?” I look like a fucking dumbass. Jersey-chasers probably aren’t into JV High School football.

Damn, that bike ride was a little harder than I remember, it’s pretty damn hot in here, oh shit, I’m sweating. Don’t pit out! Don’t pit out! I’ve gotta do something, this can’t happen. Bathroom. Perfect. I’ll just protect my shirt with a few paper towels, no one will notice. Finally, 309, “Hello US History II, you’re my bitch now.”

Everyone’s looking at me, did I do something wrong? Clearly the shirt was a mistake, but it can’t be that bad, can it? Am I in the wrong class? Maybe they think I’m hot, that’s probably the case. Who’s gonna be the lucky lady to sit next to me?

Not her, too smart. Not her, man hands. Oh girl, I see you staring, you may be just the one. I’ll blink twice, if she blinks twice I know I’m in. Damn, nothing. She probably just doesn’t know the language of love, I might be just the man to teach her. Alright, blue shirt it is.

What the hell should I say to her? Should I introduce myself? No, too forward. Make a comment about how gay this class is gonna be? Maybe. That’ll make her think I’m a badass. She’ll think, Wow, this guy really doesn’t care about class, that’s something I’m attracted to. I should probably get these paper towels out of my pits, they might blow my cover. Oh shit, she just blinked twice. Was it a delayed reaction? Does she know the language? Was she speaking it to someone else? ABORT

She was blinking at that guy, wasn’t she? That guy’s a bitch, I could definitely kick his ass. What the hell is he wearing? HEY! Mikey McEmo, what the hell type of pants are those? OshKosh B’Gosh? Let your balls breath! Is that tie really necessary? You’re wearing a fucking T-shirt. I’m gonna punch this guy in the fucking face.

12:14 … one minute until class, I hope the teacher is hot. Everyone talks about having hot teachers, where are mine? It’d be a perfect situation, a potential mate that is forced to meet with me? Too good to be true. Yes Mrs. Sweetass I will definitely be available for office hours. Just in case those don’t work out, are you going to be available by appointment? Great, my dick is available by appointment also.

Goddamnit, another old man; every fucking time. Whatever, I hope this shit is easy. Alright, here comes the syllabus, maybe I’ll reach too far and caress blue shirt’s hand. I can judge her reaction, I’m really good with body language. Fuck, she sneezed on her hand, ABORT, we’re over.

Three papers? Two Tests? AND a mother-fucking presentation? WHAT THE FUCK?? I’m out. I’m dropping this shit like I did blue shirt. I might as well just walk out, Professor Wrinkles can suck my balls. I’m gonna storm out of this BI-ATCH. But ... I don’t really want to get called out, what would I say? I’m going to the bathroom? Guys don’t bring backpacks to the bathroom, only girls do. Everyone will say I’m on my period. Can’t risk it, Wrinkles is lucky. Am I a pussy? I think the Fonz would walk out. I’m leaving ... No, I’m a pussy.

Oh wow, this is unexpected, glad I stayed. Good day to you, pink thong. You really don’t feel a draft? If I didn’t know better I’d think she was sitting on a toilet. How can she possibly be comfortable in that thong tha thong thong thong? Wow, I’m glad I don’t have torettes, yelling that would have been pretty embarrassing. Sisqo was awesome though, fuck the haters. Is that butt cleavage hot or not? I have no idea, I’ll IM Biglots about it later, he’ll know. I mean, I’m an ass man, does that make me an ass crack man by association? Is there such thing as a hot ass crack? Biglots will know. I don’t even like thongs that much, those little boy shorts some girls wear are hotter. Am I gay for thinking that? I don’t think so, they’re tight and cup the ass.

GOD NO! An erection, that’s what I get for thinking about boy shorts. I can’t do this right now. Why are you doing this to me penis?? I’m sorry I couldn’t close the deal with blue shirt. She wasn’t into it. Shit. Two minutes left, I’ve gotta do something. Think of something awful. Didn’t work? But pretending the Pope is cutting off my dick always works. I’m screwed, Paul Bunyan couldn’t chop this wood.

Damn it, class is over. Maybe, if I hold my backpack in front, no one will notice. God I look like a dumbass. Everyone else in the hallway seems to be wearing their backpacks on their backs. Holy shit, that guy just nodded, he feels my pain. Well, what if a girl notices and services me right here? That would be agreeable. That never happens. Water fountain, perfect, I’ll just drink until the little enormous guy gets tired. Problem solved. Damn it’s good to be flaccid. Now where the hell is my next class?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I Will Take 3 Baconators Please

In light of David Wells' traveling, I think it is a good time to recognize some solid, stand up fat asses. I am not going to rattle off the most obese, out of shape human athletes, but I am going to acknowledge those who should be in shape for their respected sport, and position, yet fail to care. Let me start off with my inspiration. Boomer has now played for 10 teams in his 20 year career and has clogged more arteries than the rest of the LA Dodgers combined. His numbers were actually better than I thought, winning 15+ games in 9 seasons. He had a memorable year in '98 with the Yanks, leading them to the World Series and being named ALCS MVP. His one perfect game graced us with the opportunity to read his amazingly titled autobiography: Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches and Baseball.

Tits. Breasts. Boobs. Chest Pillows. Knockers. Nips. Fun bags. Hooters. Party Hats. Rack. Ta-tas. Udders. Jugs. Milk sacks. Mammory Glands. Man Boobs. Phil Mickelson has all of the above times two. I guess I just don't see how it is possible to exercise every day (golf counts) and still have jiggly boobs when you walk. If you are that fat, then you should be able to bomb your driver, and be known for doing that (see John Daly who will be mentioned shortly). In a 2003 interview Big Philly Style stated:

"I will always have fat on me. There's nothing I can do about it, just genetics. As I said earlier, I've got subcutaneous fat."
For those of you people who aren't as smart as me, subcutaneous means just below the dermis and epidermis (skin layers), which is in contrast to the visceral fat beneath muscle. Phil said he is not trying to lose weight but just strengthen his core, so it is safe to say we may only have 4 or 5 more years of fat tits struggling his way up the rough.

If you are an offensive lineman, then you don't throw a football. That is, of course, unless your name is Jared Lorenzen aka J. Load. Commonly known for his strong arm and piss poor accuracy with UK he is now backing up whiny ass Eli Manning. I like the Giants, I really do. In my opinion, I want to see J Load taking the snaps on Sunday so I don't have to watch a female cry every time something doesn't go his way. I don't care where this hefty feller is on the depth chart or how bad he is, I just want a man behind center.

When I was a young lad I admired a man named Bartolo Colon. Solid pitcher for the tribe, threw hard, youthful, in shape... he had a bright future. One day before a game, a teammate told Bart that the word buffet means all you can eat. He now reminds me of a mexican Ryan Reynolds from the movie 'Just Friends.' HE IS FUCKING HUGE! 5'11, 245. That is a BMI of 35 which is classified as "extremely obese." I'll let the picture tell the story.

The juicy enchilada, aka Miguel Cabrera, has been shaking his tits around the base paths for a few years now. There was an article on ESPN on the young phenom last month which is no longer available to view, but it had some quotes from owners around MLB. Basically what they were saying was that his weight is going to cause him to lose money when the Marlins sell. Not just any money but upwards of around $20 million. That's a heavy price for being large, especially when you are one of the best hitters in the game. The owners were worried about his defensive ability and speed. Personally I don't care how many children he eats daily, I'd take him.

On to the grand finale with everyone's favorite fat man, John Daly. He actually makes his caddy carry around cigs and diet coke. I would hate to be that guy, it is like you are his personal refrigerator. Daly uses his chub to his advantage. He swings as hard as possible without any form of trying to make it go straight, and whenever Daly is actually in a tournament playing semi-well, every person wants to see him win. He is a simpleton, one of us. A real man who doesn't care about what people think. His one sponsor is Hooters. That's unreal.

Whether you are a golfer, you play baseball, or a throw a football, none of those require obesity. I guess if you get paid millions of dollars then you don't really need to care about how grotesque you look. There's always the hope you can bang Jessica Alba.

The Long and Winding Road: Tim Couch

Note: Prepare for a completely biased account regarding my deep love and affection for the one, Tim Couch.

Let’s start this off with my first memories of the legend. 1999. The Browns get a new team after Art Modell stripped Cleveland of their beloved just three years prior. I’m 13 years old. Of course I’m going to love whoever they draft in the first round. Tim Couch, quarterback out of the University of Kentucky it is. I have two, count ‘em, TWO Couch jerseys in my closet to this day. I already had the brown when my uncle bought me the white; I kept it anyway. The Browns went a paltry 2-14 in their expansion season. Their first win was on the road against the Saints where Couch connected with everyone’s favorite rookie Kevin Johnson on a Hail Mary. It was awesome. Oh, and his running back was Terry Kirby that year. Yep.

The 2000 season was the one where he ended up playing 7 games and broke his thumb in practice. The team was awful, they went 3-13, and Chris Palmer got nixed. Tough break, kid. (I still don’t understand why they fired Palmer so early. It was an expansion team for Christ’s sake).

2001 was the year that the soon-to-be-devil showed his face. Butch Davis entered the scene and brought the team to a 7-9 record-- pretty exciting stuff in Cleveland. This was the year that I specifically remember Chris Berman and TJ giving out fake presents on NFL Primetime during the Christmas season. They said they would give the Browns a real running game to see how good they really could be. That tells you how bad Couch’s team sucked, and he hung in there to throw for 3,000 yards. This was the year of the bottle throwing incident (I was there). I could sit here and say they got robbed and should have been 8-8, but I won’t will. They should have been 8-8.

Then, 2002 happened. I have probably never been more excited in my sports life. The Cleveland Browns (the BROWNS!) made the playoffs while strapped on the back of a pretty good defense and Tim Couch. Couch threw for nearly 3,000 yards and had 18 touchdown passes. He looked like he was going to be a serviceable-at-worst starter after all, leading the team to an 8-6 record when he started. This was also the year when Browns fans cheered when he got hurt against the Ravens on Sunday night (week five) because they were excited for Holcomb to come in (amazing what a 1-1 record to start the year can do for you because Couch was shelved with elbow tendonitis). He bounced back to go 7-4 in his next 11 starts after the Sunday night Baltimore debacle despite the fans giving up on him in week five.

The final game of the season was against the Atlanta Falcons. Tim’s bad luck continued, as he broke his leg during the game (read: out for playoffs). The Browns went on to win, and a berth in the playoffs was clinched after the Jets delivered a little beat to the Packers for us.

With Couch shelved, Kelly Holcomb got the nod in the playoff game at Pittsburgh. Because of his decent 2 starts at the beginning of the season mentioned above, Browns’ fans had sufficient confidence in him. Some were even ecstatic that he was playing instead of “That bum Tim Couch.” That confused me, and I, of course, was distraught that Couch couldn’t play in the playoff game that he earned, but it was still Browns playoff football.

The Steelers’ secondary was absolutely awful that year. Holcomb lit them up for 429 yards, 3 TDs, and 1 INT, going 26/43 passing in the 36-33 loss. I can’t stress the word loss enough.

Can I sit here and tell you that the Browns would have beaten the Steelers had Couch played instead of Holcomb? Of course not; the defense was abysmal that game, getting owned by Tommy Maddox.

A quarterback controversy erupted going into the 2003 season. You had your senseless Holcomb backers and your loyal Couch supporters. Butch Davis announced his decision, saying that he had a “gut feeling” about Holcomb. I almost puked in my mouth. How could a player be stripped of his job due to an injury, when the replacement didn’t even take the team anywhere? This wasn’t a Brady over Bledsoe or Warner over Green situation. This was a team that was guided to a 9-7 record under one guy, then they lost a playoff game where the replacement threw for a bajillion yards against a bad secondary in a shootout. Get out of town, Butch.

And he did. Butch and Kelly followed up the playoff season with a less than stellar 5-11 record. Tim and Kelly each saw action in 10 of those games, but at that point, Couch’s playing time didn’t matter. All confidence was lost in Couch by both Davis and the fans that irrationally jumped on the “Kelly Holcomb is God Bandwagon.” Whoever was driving shotgun of that thing drove it into a telephone pole. I’m sure there were many casualties (call it survival of the fittest). Couch was let go by the team, and that was the extent of his Cleveland Browns stint.

I can’t tell you that they would have been a lot better than 5-11 in the “gut feeling” year, as I call it, but I bet they would have. It’s a lot different being the backup with no pressure that everyone loves than the starter, isn’t it, Kelly?

Butch then started off 2004 with a bang, going 3-9 and securing that his ass got fired. He took the rest of his guaranteed contract money, with a smile on his face I’m sure, and went back to college football where he belongs. All while helping to wreck what could have been a pretty good Tim Couch career. Thanks for letting us witness your ego problem, Butch.

And the beats haven’t stopped. He has since had a boatload of arm troubles, and he just never got anything going. He was actually booed off the field at Lambeau in training camp during his preseason appearances with the Packers. Talk about a shattered self-esteem.

Just because I don’t feel like summarizing Tuesday’s steroid news, here’s what someone posted on his Wikipedia page:

On August 28, 2007, Yahoo! Sports reported that Couch, while attempting to recover from shoulder surgery, knowingly took anabolic steroids and human growth hormone as part of his daily regimen. HGH are banned by the NFL. Despite Couch's statements that he never took any illegal steroids, the same reports indicate that he did while taking the HGH. This also comes months after Couch said he never took HGH, so these statements have now been rebutted. If a NFL team signs Couch for the 2007 season, pending the outcome of the investigation Couch could face disciplinary action because a free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy.

That’s pretty much it. Tim will always hold a special place in my heart. But he doesn’t give a shit. He still has his guaranteed money from his rookie contract and Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar as his wife.

I guess I shouldn't feel bad after all.

My Monthly Post

The NFL regular season is nearly upon us and soon we will be able to discuss actual games rather than such topics as: Who sucks more? Eli Manning or Rex Grossman? Or whether Michael Vick has decided to either kick someone's ass or make someone his bitch on his first day in jail. Personally, I'm just looking forward to everyone finally getting off their knees and allowing Peyton Manning's dick to breathe.

Due to the unbalanced schedule a team's regular season slate can ruin a borderline team's season before it even starts. For example, last year a shit Browns team played a brutal schedule and had no chance while a shit Packers team won 8 games because they played no one. CBS Sportsline released this years strength of schedule for this season based on the team's record from last year. The Bills will play the toughest schedule on paper with 12 games against teams that finished .500 or better while the Cardinals will play the worst schedule. Interestingly enough, every team in the AFC has a strength of schedule of over .500 while only the Lions are over .500 in the NFC.

So what does this all mean? I have no idea because the NFL is about as predictable as one of Buzzsaw's posts. So do what you like with
this information. I'm pretty confident that it will only be used as a way for everyone to talk shit about the Bears. For that reason
I'll just give my rebuttal now: Fuck you, they went to the Super Bowl.

3 Signs The World Is Spiraling Downward

Sometimes when I read or experience certain things I think about what the future has in store for me. However, recently I have come to a conclusion that people suck. After graduating from college (which could be a few more years because the idea of being an adult blows) life is probably going to be grueling. Anyways, I've come across three embarrassing things that are accelerating the demise of the World.

Recently a New Zealand couple actually tried to name their newborn son '4Real.' They seriously tried putting an actual number in their child's name. I like to think it may be possible that they were just saving some time for their son so he wouldn't have to think of a rap alter ego, but no they tried using it because the ultrasound showed the kid squirming around and realized it was for real. This puts into question the fact that they really are a couple because it kind of sounds like they are surprised she got knocked up. Unfortunately, the government blocked the usage of '4Real' so the couple had to settle with naming their kid 'Superman.' That is fucking ridiculous. I'm pissed. Clearly not as mad as the father, Pat Wheaton who said:

“No matter what, it’s going to stay 4Real,” Wheaton told the Herald, “I’m certainly not a quitter.”

Whatever. Let's move on. Law enforcement in Tacoma, Washington is pathetic, lazy, and stereotypical. Apparently they are having large gang troubles in their transit systems so instead of using UCs or just actual cops to stop it, they are installing large speakers and playing classical music like Bach and Beethoven. They seriously are trying to drive gangs out away by playing classical music. If it really annoys the drugies that much, I think they could move to a different location. Wait... maybe if they used real officers instead of music they could catch them during their deals and put them in jail, or they could just cause drug deals to occur elsewhere. Hell yes it gets better. Apparently they aren't playing the music because classical is is the opposite spectrum of what a gang member might listen to, but its from an environmental stand point:

“It’s based on routine activity theory and situational crime prevention. You mix different types of activities in locations that are crime-ridden to change the composition of the environment,” said psychologist Jacqueline Helfgott, who chairs the Criminal Justice Department at Seattle University.

Well here's my favorite. I was doing a project where I needed a picture of the London Bridge. (By the way you can try this at home) Naturally I go to the Google image search and type it in. A picture of Fergie pops up in the 2nd row. The society is tainted. The World is declining. We need help. We need Macgyver.

OH cool I just tried that London Bridge thing again and it didn't come up. But seriously you can just take my word for it because I was pissed off and traumatized.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A Look at the Postseason Schedule

*Note: I didn’t want to do the research for the NL, but the same general idea applies.

While MLB’s changes to the playoff schedule (schedule, not format) may seem minor, they could potentially have some serious implications. I started reading about it on some Red Sox message boards and decided to do a sort of summary explanation type write-up. Basically there are more off days between games, which will affect the amount of rest pitching staffs get. The schedule for the AL looks like this:

ALDS 1 (generally series with WC): 10/4, 10/5, 10/7, 10/8, 10/10

ALDS 2: 10/3, 10/5, 10/7, 10/8, 10/10

ALCS: 10/12, 10/13, 10/15, 10/16, 10/18, 10/20, 10/21

The first important thing to realize is that teams will not gain a significant advantage by clinching a playoff spot early and aligning their rotation. A team could easily use their ace to clinch their spot on the last day of the season and then have him pitch in Games 2 and 5 of the Division Series.

Secondly a team could easily make it to the World Series without using their fourth starter at all, or only once in the case of the first AL Division Series. Here’s an example of the second ALDS.

10/3 - #1 starter
10/5 - #2
10/7 - #3
10/8 - #1 (on 4 days rest)
10/10 - #2 (on 4 days rest)

10/12 - #3 (on 4 days rest)
10/13 - #1 (on 4 days rest)
10/15 - #2 (on 4 days rest)
10/16 - #3 (on 4 days rest)
10/18 - #1 (on 4 days rest)
10/20 - #2 (on 4 days rest)
10/21 - #3 (on 4 days rest)

Why would Major League Baseball make changes that make it even less likely that the best team during the regular season wins the World Series? The answer is easy. Television. The ratings are bound to be higher if the games feature more matchups of superstar pitchers.

So who does this help and who does it hurt? Obviously it helps the teams who have a shallow rotation and even a shallow bullpen. If a team has two dominant front end starters and two dominant relievers, its weakness probably would not be exposed until the WS or even not at all. (The exception to this would an injury or marathon games.) Who does it hurt? Well, maybe hurt isn’t the right word, but teams who success throughout the regular season has been predicated on the depth of its pitching staff, both bullpen and rotation will lose that advantage. As those of you who know me may have guessed, the Red Sox are the first team that comes to my mind. Let’s say they play Cleveland in the first round. (I know none of this is guaranteed, so no, I’m not worried about jinxing anything, I’m just going with the most likely outcome.) While a matchup of Beckett-Matsuzaka-Schilling vs. Sabathia-Carmona-Westbrook is not bad, it wouldn’t be as advantageous if there was one Wakefield-Byrd game instead. I would argue that it is disadvantageous to the Angels in the same way. While a 1-2-3 combination of Escobar-Lackey-Weaver is certainly scary, matching Santana against another team’s number 4 would probably give them more of an edge.

I think the new schedule, to a certain extent helps all the other teams, but especially Seattle and Detroit. The back end of Seattle’s rotation has been brutal. Only King Felix and Jarrod Washburn have an ERA+ over 100. If they make the playoffs they must be overjoyed at the fact that they can banish Jeff Weaver (ERA+ 77) to the bullpen. Detroit has had some serious injury problems, so their rotation after Verlander and Bonderman remains a question mark. We’ll end with a quick look at each potential playoff team’s five man rotation, with the pitchers with ERA+ over 100 highlighted. (Definition of ERA+)

Seattle .
1. Hernandez
2. Washburn
3. Batista
4. Weaver, Jeff
5. Ramirez

1 Escobar
2. Lackey
3. Weaver, Jered
4. Santana
5. Colon

1. Sabathia
2. Carmona
3. Westbrook
4. Byrd
5. Laffey

1. Verlander
2. Bonderman
3. Rogers
4. Durbin
5. ??

1. Beckett
2. Matsuzaka
3. Schilling
4. Wakefield
5. Lester/Tavarez

New York
1. Pettite
2. Wang
3. Clemens
4. Mussina
5. Hughes

In conclusion, I guess I really just wanted to show the implications more so than give opinions on the change but oh well, what the heck. I don’t really like how the schedule has evolved, and it has nothing do with the fact that the Red Sox have the best team on paper right now. I think it’s a shame that someone like Tim Wakefield who could easily end up with 20 wins this season could be relegated to the bullpen. I also think it’s a shame that it’s becoming less and less likely that we’ll see epic battles that come down to the last man in the bullpen and whether or not he is up to the challenge. I think that’s where the real postseason heroes are made and end up being the games people remember the most. But hey, in the words of Jay-Z, just my thoughts man.

NBA Rookie Survey

I know this is pretty old, but a few polls were taken amongst the new crop of NBA rookies at their Rookie Symposium a few weeks ago. The forty-four rookies were asked questions like “Who will win Rookie of the Year?” “Who is the most underrated rookie?” etc. The answers were startling, well, at least some of them were.

As for the obvious ones, the battle was clearly between Kevin Durant and Greg Oden. Turns out it wasn’t much of a battle as Durant was voted most likely to win the Rookie of the year and also predicted to play in the most All-Star games. Durant won the ROY vote 23-5 vs Oden out of a possible 44 votes. Pretty surprising numbers.

Now to the moderate surprises; can someone please explain to me the difference between voting someone most NBA-ready and voting someone to win the Rookie of the Year? I don’t understand that, but what I do understand is that Al Horford is the shit and received the praise of his peers by beating out Oden and Durant for the title of most ready. Horford and his chiseled 6’10” 244-lb frame benched 185lbs 20 times, the most of anyone at the NBA's pre-draft combine. Judging by those numbers, Horford is, literally, infinitely stronger than Kevin Durant. On the negative side I will say this, Horford’s shimmy is clearly not NBA-ready, but he has the potential to steal the shimmy title from Antoine Walker in the near future; hopefully force won’t be necessary.

The oddest votes were cast for the question, “Which current NBA player are you most looking forward to playing against?” Kobe Bryant won fairly easy, but scanning the “also receiving votes section” revealed an underlying fear amongst a couple of this year’s NBA rookies. Most voted for superstars like Bryant, Shaq, Tim Duncan, etc, but two decided they’d most like to play against JJ Redick and Quinton Ross. Who wouldn’t? They're pieces of shit. Redick can’t play defense, and is a great candidate to be posterized; but an explanation for his pick could be that a bitter North Carolina guy just wants another piece of him. Quinton Ross makes even less sense, he may just be the most mediocre player in the league. His career numbers are stunningly average, 20 min/game, 5pts, 1 asts, 2 rebs. The college rivalry factor, a la Redick, isn’t in play either, he went to Southern Methodist. There may have been another possibility of Tar Heel involvement, in an attack on Matt Doherty, but Ross did not get a chance to play for the former UNC coach.

To find any possible clue, I turned to google hoping for anything remarkable about Ross and there was literally only one link that wasn’t simply his career stats. That link was from who conducted probably the most boring interview in NBA history, here’s a snippet talking about Ross' time living in Europe: The first thing I think of about Belgium is chocolate.

Quinton Ross: They got some good chocolate over there. Have to eat it in moderation.

Quinton Ross: Yeah, you got to. But it's pretty good, though.

That’s about the most interesting thing about Quinton Ross, he thinks chocolate is pretty good and eats it in moderation. My only guesses on the culprit of this Quinton Ross choice are Spencer Hawes or Greg Oden. Hawes’ love of chocolate was ingrained into his soul at the University of Washington which requires their student athletes to drink chocolate milk after practice. Oden may have done it to show respect to his new teammate Sergio “Spanish Chocolate” Rodriguez who has had a beef with Ross’ Belgium chocolate preference for sometime now. Sadly, we may never know the answer to this riddle.

NBA Rookie Survey

Baggin' Saggin' Barack

With both a presidential race and a season on the horizon, Lorne Michaels and the rest of the brains behind Saturday Night Live are starting to hand out satirical roles for the candidates. Apparently when Barack Obama came up in the discussions, it was decided that Keenan Thompson was a little too hefty to play him. That, however, will not stop Keenan.

His quote from

"It's going to be a real political year and I'd hate for the show to have to seek somebody out to play Obama when they have me sitting there." The funnyman hopes to lose 60 pounds (27.2 kilograms) off his 260 pound (117.9 kilograms) frame so he can portray trim Obama.

It seems like just yesterday that Keenan was pulling airplanes and other foreign objects out of Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry’s pants, saying weird French phrases out of a bathtub, and watching Kel drink too much orange soda. Now he’s to the point where he is losing weight for a role. He’s just grown up so fast.

It’s funny that this story comes up, because I had a conversation with a few guys this weekend about Keenan and his upbringing in the sketch-comedy world. It’s as if the SNL guys were scouting him out since All That, saying “this kid has a future with us; he’s good” as if All That was the minor leagues of SNL.

Some possible added on cast members in the future include Amanda Bynes, Josh Server, Lori Beth Denberg (that makes two LBD references on Log’s Blog-- impressive), and Danny Tamberelli.


Monday, August 27, 2007

765 People Creeped Out; In Stable Condition

First of all, thanks for the opportunity to write for THE blog, and I can assure you that I will offend multiple people daily. Now, have you ever been walking down the street and some random person comes up to you and gives you a hug? Exactly. Well out in Utah, where the Mormons roam, a young 18 year old female decided to take a shot at the prestigious record of "let's see how many people one person can hug in an hour." Her name is Jordan Pearce and I bet she is fat and ugly and has no life. She needed to beat the record of 612 and although this hug chase was more exciting to read about than Barry steroids, it is still absurd for many reasons.

First of all, let's say she is a good looking girl(highly unlikely). I bet out of those 765 people at least 15 were pedophiles and followed her around licking their lips for a few minutes.

Second, the record had to be counted and watched by a district judge and a state senator(both Mormon). I'm happy to see two high ranking government officials spent their day counting hugs and taking pictures.

Thrice, Guinness won't mark the record as official until they have video, pictures, and written accounts from witnesses. It is a record for HUGS Guinness. The World is falling fast.

Lastly, Pearce had this to say about the best day of her life,

“I feel like I’m on cloud nine,” Pearce said after the last hug Saturday.
Wow Jordan I'm glad to see you can die happy now that you grabbed 765 rando's sweaty bodies. Creep. Pearce's steroid results are not yet available to public but I'm pretty sure she will test positive for dumbass. Tim Donaghy wouldn't comment on the story, he was too angry after wagering the under at 732.