Friday, September 14, 2007

Another Reason To Love Chris Cooley

Chris Cooley is probably one of the most, no, the most beloved player in the NFL. Hog's Haven does the best job introducing the few that don't know to his previous hijinks; I'll try and summarize.
The legend of Captain Chaos began with the formulation of his nickname. It all began in 2005 when a teammate bet Cooley $100 that he wouldn't introduce himself to the St. Louis captains as "Captain Chaos." He clearly took the bet, here's how it went:

"There were five captains," Cooley said. "I looked every one in the face and said: 'I'm Captain Chaos. Nice to meet you.' "
Haha, love him already? Who wouldn't? But there's more. Last year, for his fiance's 21st birthday, Cooley and his future father-in-law took 21 shots of Jim Beam in her honor. "Oh we were hurtin'," Cooley said. That wasn't the last time Cooley partied with his future in-laws. Earlier this spring:
Chris, Christy, Scott, her uncle Craig and aunt Shannon ended up at Vixens Gentlemen's Club in West Virginia for what turned out to be a family outing.

"Everyone knew who Chris was," Christy said. "The owner came out, they gave us VIP treatment and all of a sudden I look up and the strippers are dancing to 'Hail to the Redskins.' It was crazy."

That sounds like the coolest family of all time. By the way, his fiance is a former Redskins' Cheerleader. I also need to mention that Cooley is a phenomenal dresser, as you can tell, but on to the new stuff.

Now, there's a new story to add to the list. Cooley just signed a 6 year, 30 million dollar contract, and answers the question of what you do with that kind of money ... you put it in the bank. He deposited a 9 million dollar bonus check into a normal bank, using the drive thru lane. The Washington Post reports, "Cooley said the transaction did not surprise the teller. "She just took a little bit longer to come back out," he said." I think the government might burn that bank down ... I believe the FDIC only insures $250,000 of that. I think it'd be safer to use some type of safe for that cash, probably something like Scrooge McDuck's.

Weekend Betting Preview

I’m feeling really great about this week’s sports betting preview, last weekend was a bit of a beat for me as Orlando Pace went down, thus killing the Rams running game. I wasn’t happy. This week I’m very confident about a comeback, I don’t think they could put this line high enough for me to not play it; I can’t believe I’m doing it, but I’m counting on Rex Grossman.

Why This Should Win: The bet this week is on the Bears -12 at home versus the Kansas City Chiefs. Like I said, this game is all about Grossman, so let’s get the obvious out of the way. The Bears’ defense should shutout this KC team. The Chiefs only scored three points on the Texans, Larry Johnson only rushed for 43 yards, and Huard threw two interceptions. I don’t necessarily expect Huard to turn the ball over, but LJ has no shot against this team. Johnson’s performance can be attributed to KC's lack of commitment to the run and his lack of conditioning, because he only got ten carries, and Herm Edwards has already said that they will focus on pounding the ball with Johnson this week. This does not worry me at all, since the Kansas City offensive line is a shell of it’s former self. Also, the Bears’ absolutely shut down the San Diego running game, which is much better, led by Tomlinson and one of the best offensive lines in the NFL. Tomlinson was held to only 25 yards on 17 carries. I am a little bit worried about the Bears ability to stop a Larry Johnson touchdown pass but every bet is a risk. A small worry on the KC team would be Tony Gonzalez since Antonio Gates went for 107 and a TD, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Gonzalez is not in the same class as Gates, and the Chicago linebackers are probably the fastest in the NFL. The loss of Mike Brown should not be too detrimental since they dealt with it last year and the Chiefs don’t exactly have game breaking receivers. So, let’s talk about Grossman.

I split Grossman’s games up into three sections, games against good defenses, bad defenses, and then there were two anomalies (see: “Why This Could Lose”). Alright, over the last year he has faced seven “good defenses" (top-15 in total defense) [MIN, MIN, MIA, GB, NWE, SD (last week)]. His combined QB Rating in those games has been an awful, 46.5. That would have been good enough to make him the worst starter in the league last year, beating out runner-up Tavaris Jackson by 16pts.HOWEVA, against shitty defenses he tore up [DET, DET, STL, NYJ, BUF, SEA, NYG, TAM, SF]. His average QB Rating in those games was 108.1, which would have been the best in the NFL last year, beating out Peyton Manning by 7pts.

His TD/INT splits against those teams are 17 TD to 1 INT against the “shitty” teams and 6 TDs to 13 INTs versus the “good” defenses. So, basically, he’s the worst quarterback in the league against good teams, and the best against bad teams. I would obviously put KC in the “shitty” grouping since they gave up 20pts to the Texans and were ranked 20th in the league last year defensively. So, since the average score of the Bears versus the "shitty" teams was 34-14, I'm gonna go with the Bears, and I fully expect the defense to step up since it will be the Bears' first home game.

Why This WILL Lose: I think this section is probably important since there are two sides to every story. This side involves Rex Grossman being a train wreck. I left out two games from the shitty/good groupings, the Arizona game and week 17 versus Green Bay. In the Green Bay game, Grossman went 2/12, 33 yards, 3 INTs, 0 TDs. However, we’re going to throw this out entirely since the Bears’ had already clinched home field and it was New Year’s Eve, and we only know all Grossman really cares about is drinking and fucking. So, that’s out. What is really scary is that Arizona game. In which, he went 14/37, 144, 4 INTs, 0 TDs. He completely exploded, there was not excuse for this, since it was on Monday night, it was a big game. So, against KC, there is a chance he completely explodes (he is, after all, a mental midget) and is just awful this entire year. I’m not ruling that out, but this is a bounce back situation for the Bears, their first home game, and they have a horrible team coming into town. I'm gonna guess the final score will be somewhere around 31-0.

Chicago -12 v.

Kansas City


Chicago -12 v Kansas City
Buffalo +10 v Pittsburgh


Green Bay +1 v NY Giants
St. Louis -3 v San Francisco

Big Lots

Baltimore -10 v NY Jets
Green Bay +1 v NY Giants


Dallas -3.5 at Miami
Cincy -7 at Cleveland

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Programming Alert

That should be it for posts today, unless hell freezes over and Big Lots writes a story. But I just wanted to remind everyone that the funniest show in the history of jokes has its season premiere tonight ... It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I had my own brush with their greatness in New York a year ago, I walked right by the cast as they were walking into a Broadway show. I'm not sure if everyone has this reaction when walking by them, but I starting laughing uncontrollably and peeing my pants at their mere presence. I can't wait, and in anticipation, here's a clip from my favorite episode, "Charlie Gets Molested."

Weekend Betting Preview: NCAA Edition

This week we’re looking at the “Battle for the Bluegrass,” as Louisville and Kentucky meet to decide the winner of the Governor’s Cup. Louisville and Kentucky have one of the fiercest rivalries in college sports, most of the credit for that is due to the basketball teams, but these schools hate each other in general. This is going to seem like a very “square” pick, and I guess it is, but I don’t care Louisville is going to kick the shit out of Kentucky.

I’m not going to bother talking about the teams' defenses, neither is good, and if they were, it probably wouldn’t matter too much. This game comes down to the fact that Louisville has the extreme edge in talent, is equally motivated (even on the road), and Louisville is in a bounce back scenario.

Despite Kentucky’s emergence as an offensive power recently, Louisville’s talent is still miles beyond that of UK. I don’t care that Kentucky’s WR Keenan Burton was 1st team all SEC last year, if Mario Urrutia and Harry Douglas were playing for UK, they’d be starting. At quarterback, Andre’ Woodson has been awesome, 2nd team all SEC last year, but he just does not stack up to Brian Brohm, potential #1 NFL draft pick. The offensive lines might be the biggest difference, UK lost three of their starters from last year, 2nd team all SEC Rt Michael Aitcheson (a 2 year starter), C Matt McCutchan (3-yr starter), and G Trai Williams (2-yr starter). This isn’t a completely dire situation as UK had multiple O-line injuries last year and played a lot of people, but it’s definitely not a strength. On the other hand, Louisville returns seven of their top 10 lineman and adds two JUCO transfers, it’s their strongest group in a long time.

I really believe that the Middle Tennessee game was a look ahead for Louisville. Even though Kentucky isn’t the most difficult opposition they face this year, it is their most hated. Louisville hasn’t shown anything, especially on defense. They have not used any of their blitz packages, etc. They are not as bad as they looked against MTSU, looking at the final score does not tell the whole story as MTSU only scored 7 of their 42 points in the second half. That shows that this team has talent, but needs to be motivated, and motivated they are.

If the rivalry wasn’t enough to get the defense excited for the game, Kentucky has provided some bulletin, or should I say billboard, material for the Cardinals (good one). The University of Kentucky has posted 17 UK Football billboards around the Louisville campus. That’s a lot, and the Louisville players have definitely noticed. Defensive tackle, Earl Heyman, had this to say: "Doesn't bother me, they can stick their signs wherever they want to stick them." I think he means "up their ass,"he went on about the rivalry, "The rivalry means a great deal to me personally and as a player, I'm from Louisville, and I've been around it my whole life. I've been all over Kentucky, and it's all everybody talks about." This defense will be ready to play, I think both defenses will be, but UL’s talent will prove too much.

I thought I should mention the home field advantage thing too, it hasn’t mattered in this series. Over the last eight years, Louisville has won by an average of 15 pts at home and won by an average of 19 pts at Kentucky. I’m not arguing that it’s better that Louisville is playing away, just that it doesn’t matter in this rivalry. So, in summary, Louisville is going to be looking to destroy someone coming off that embarrassingly close win versus MTSU, their first chance happens to be against their most hated rival, they have more talent, Kentucky has given them extra motivation, and the line is under a touchdown … count me in.

Louisville -6.5 @ Kentucky


Louisville -6.5 @ Kentucky

Ohio State -4 @ Washington

Miami (OH) +8.5 v. Cincinnati


Michigan -7.5 v. Notre Dame

Oregon -16 v. Fresno State

Arkansas/Alabama Under 47

Big Lots

Indiana -13.5 v Akron

Georgia Tech -6.5 v Boston College

Louisville/Kentucky Over 77


Georgia Tech -6.5 v Boston College

USC -9.5 @ Nebraska

Duke/Northwestern Under 51.5


Seeing all the depressing stories on here turns me emo and makes me want to write one as well. Oh yea, my internet it fixed and thanks for not cutting me. So here are the worst sports games of my life. Feast on my depression.

#8 New York Giants, Niners, 2002 Playoffs.

It kinda went like this…

1) OMG he botched the snap

2) Holy retard he’s rolling out

3) Is this actually happening?

4) OMG OMG OMG OMG It’s in the air

5) Great a bunch of fat people in the pack


7) YES! They are going to call it. We have a chance.

8) ………

9) …………………

10) great. Real cool. Your face is ineligible.

#7 Miami Dolphins vs San Diego Chargers. 1995 Divisional Playoffs

I normally don’t remember many bad beats from my child hood but I can remember sitting on the toilet at the fine age of 8 after a disheartening loss on a missed field goal by Pete Stoyanovich(one of my idols). I was feeling comfortable sitting in my booty pajamas at halftime with a 21-6 lead. Cheering on Dan the Man, OJ McDuffie, Bernie Parmalee, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar…. Probably the worst team ever but who cares, I was young. So the chargers came back, got a safety and won by one fucking point. That was the last time the Dolphins really tasted playoffs.

#6 TOSU vs Miami. National Championship 2002?

No I am not a fan of the U whatsoever. I just hate ohio state that much(I will never capitalize that school’s name). I refused to watch this game with anyone. I sat in my basement curled up in a ball and was shaking the whole time…. Not from McGahee’s knee but from shear terror that TOSU might win a title. The bandwagon that year was hotter than ever, full of girls who didn’t what a first down was. No one gave TOSU a chance, including myself, and it turned out to be one of the best games I’ve ever seen… and one of the most painful. To this day, I swear that there wasn’t a penalty on that last play. No way in hell. Terrible call. It came after they handed the trophy to the U anyways. Sure Miami could have learned what a QB spy was and utilized it, but instead I had to endure a few years of cocky ass fans. TOSU has the most irrational fans in the history of sports.

#5 Cavs vs Pistons 2006 Playoffs

Beating the Pistons in ’07 was my world championship. I didn’t bother caring about the NBA finals. However in ’06, it was so painful. The Cavs had the dirtiest city in the States down 3-2 in the series and a home game. I was confident and cocky. Too bad Flip Murray wasn’t. After giving the Pistons 29743830 offensive rebounds on one possession the d-bags finally scored and from that point I knew the series was over. Crying.

#4 Notre Dame vs Michigan St. 2005

Because of this game I hate MSU more than USC, and they come veryyyyy close to TOSU. John L. Smith was a cocky son of a bitch who couldn’t even coach. He took his team onto Notre Dame’s field, won the game after a series of disheartening plays, and then his players took their flag and stuck it in OUR field. It felt like they stuck it in my balls. I proceeded to put a hole in the wall, break a dry erase board, and go to town on a box of cereal. As in throw it everywhere, not eat it. The worst part about it was I looked at the next day and noticed that one of the kids who stuck the flag was a kid I played baseball with in little league… I hated him then, I want to neuter him now.

#3 Arizona Wildcats vs Illinois. Elite 8. Year who cares.

I am a big wildcats fan. Basically I have really random favorite teams and people always try and call me bandwagon. So I Danza them. But anyways, this was the most fun I have had in a season with any sports team. I figured it was our year with a great five. Mustafa Shakur, Salim Stoudamire, Luke Walton, Channing Frye, Andre Igoudala(the real A.I.). In the sweet sixteen, Salim Stoudamire hit a game winning jumper against Okla St. I was at Damons with my friends and I thought it was a good idea to rip my shirt off and run around. I was caught in a euphoria and forgot that at that time I weighed upwards 240 pure fat. So yea. After that I thought UofA was untouchable. So the next game involves the not so scary fighting Illini. Arizona was up 15 with one minute and fifteen seconds left in the game. I was dancing, going crazy, final four baby you better believe it. Then Arizona’s play got a little bit shaky. Turnover after turnover resulted in many Illinois baskets. Those fucks came back and tied it up and sent it into OT. I was shocked. Knew we lost and I just sat there. The time expired with Illinois on top and I was frozen. My friends left the house we were watching it at to go get food and I just sat there. They came back and yep I was still in the same spot.

#2 Notre Dame vs USC 2005

During this game my friend Hoose and I came up with a system of things that had to happen when USC has the ball. We needed 2 lucks, one penalty, and one poop your pants. If those didn’t occur, then USC was going to score. It was funny how well it worked like that. Everyone knows the story I don’t want to write about it. I ended up scaring my mom, wrapping my putter around a tree, and lying in my driveway for an hour, hoping someone would pull in and not see me laying there. Thanks Ambrose.

#1 Indians vs Marlins 1997 Series

Fuckin Renteria. Still don’t wanna talk about it.

I am putting in my application for the most tortured fan ever. Cleveland fans can suck it, they have the cockeyes. Six teams. 0 national titles when I’ve been cheering for the team. If you hate a team let me know… I’ll pick up a 7th to make someone happy.

Prime Time Tackles Oxygen

Deion Sanders played two sports back in his day; now he is moving onto his second television genre, making the move from sports commentator to reality television. On the Oxygen Network. I can’t stress this enough. The show is going to be called Deion and Pilar Sanders: Prime Time Love. I’ll let take the parameters of the show from here:

Prime Time Love will follow the couple and their five kids, focusing on former model Ms. Sanders' desire to do something bigger with her life than the family's tiny town of Prosper can offer. Meanwhile, Mr. Sanders is content to stay home with the kids and enjoy his retirement.

This concoction of reality television and athletes is getting out of hand. Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor wasn’t a big deal just because he was a shitty backup quarterback holding a clipboard and wearing a baseball hat. But Emmitt Smith, Jerry Rice and Clyde Drexler embarrassing themselves on Dancing with the Stars? That kind of thing makes me appreciate how Brett Favre is still gunslinging away instead of making an ass out of himself on Spike TV or some other shitty network.

This reality show has shades of Committed: The Christies written all over it. Deion must be whipped. The article even says that the Sanders pitched the show to the network. I wonder whose idea that was (hint: not Deion's). The real problem here is that we might be seeing more of Deion on his new stint than his gig on NFL Gameday that airs on NFL Network, considering about 19 people in the country get that channel.


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Michigan's Application to become a Cleveland Team

Cleveland teams are of a different ilk than any other sports city in the country. To qualify, three particular guidelines must be met:

  1. Excitement- This category includes when things happen, usually in the offseason, to stir us up and give us false hope. For instance, the Browns just drafted Brady Quinn and Joe Thomas. Everyone is flipping out. The Indians are pretending to be good, but I’m not going to be making plans to celebrate a World Series Crown. And the Cavs have LeBron. The night they won the lottery is one that I will not soon forget.
  2. Letdown- This criterion applies after excitement occurs. Something happens that may not even be that exciting, but it’s a letdown nonetheless. The Browns get us excited with their draft, and then lost 34-7 in the season opener to the Steelers, never actually being in the game. Maybe we should have seen that one coming though. The Indians got us excited in 2005, nearly coming back to win the Central, and then proceeded to lose something like 9 out of 11 down the stretch. This year’s results, as mentioned above, are yet to be determined. The Cavaliers actually made it to The Finals. Then they got Danza slapped.

  3. The Past- The Browns actually left us for a few years. The Drive. The Fumble. Red Right 88. That’s enough about them. The Indians were leading the Marlins going into the bottom of the 9th in 1997 in Game Seven. And lost. The Cavaliers fell victim to Michael Jordan a couple of times, most notably the shot you see on that commercial all the time.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So what’s my point? Everyone knows Cleveland teams suck complete ass. So we have our three professional sports, but there is no college in Cleveland that is saddled with this unfortunate luck. Ohio State is basically a Cleveland team because everyone loves them up by the lake, but I can’t accept them considering they won a National Title in the past 5 years. That’s unacceptable if you’re a Cleveland team. Come on, Buckeyes-- you’re better than that. It is interesting though, because they have recently just tackled two of the criteria (excitement- [choose one-- Ohio State basketball or football] makes National Title Game. Cue letdown. Get their asses beat by Florida). However, it’d be way too easy to give Ohio State the Cleveland label. And they definitely don't meet the third criteria, the past, because they are often called "The Luckeyes." Definitely a "no" on that one. So we’re taking applications from other colleges just for fun (primarily for football reasons; after all, ‘tis the season), and here’s what Michigan’s would probably look like, despite the clashing idea of the Wolverines being accepted by Ohioans:

  1. Excitement- Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, Mario Manningham and everyone else that mattered from last year’s team returns for another year! Hart, Long, and Henne are specifically coming back for a National Title. Hopes are at an all-time high in Ann Arbor. It’s going to be an awesome year. Plus, we’ve got Ohio State at the Big House. We can run the table for sure!

  2. Letdown- Appalachian State comes into town for the season opener. Michigan football is finally kicking off. And then, the disaster occurs. We’re the first team to ever lose to a I-AA team while ranked. To rub salt into the wound, Oregon follows Appy State’s lead and beats the piss out us on our home field. Sadness. Despair. Anguish. Gloom. And of course, kittens.

  3. The Past- Ironically enough, lately Michigan just can’t get past Ohio State. Since Jim Tressel has been coaching the Buckeyes, the record is at 5-1 in favor of OSU. It’s a mind game between Tressel and Lloyd Carr by now. Despite the “kind of national championship” in 1997, UM has shown a history of bad luck and misfortune. This would also include being excluded from the National Championship game just last season, even though in the end, we learned that probably neither Ohio State nor Michigan should have been there. Oh well.

Good luck finding us a better application than that. That is a pretty solid resume. Maybe a couple of interviews with the AD and Carr can lock this up. We are accepting other applicants (hint to Sammich, Buzzsaw or BigLots: Notre Dame is a pretty good candidate as well).

Ann Arbor, OH. That’s an oxymoron.

Lowsman Watch: Week 2

We're back with another installment of the Lowsman Watch. We are dedicated to uncovering the worst player in the nation by the end of the year. Unlike the national polls, we realize that the first few weeks should be extremely fluid for any ranking, so you won't see any of the original five on this list. Not even Michael Henig who threw six interceptions in week one, but he bounced back to go 20/31, 223 yards, 1 TD, and ONLY 1 INT. Good for him, but sadly it was against Tulane, so we will surely see him again, but we aren't here to talk about the past. Let's look at this week's rankings:

1) Sean Glennon, QB, Virginia Tech: 24/33, 261 yards, 1 TD, INTs

Just as there is a spot on our Heisman Watch for any QB playing against Michigan, it seems like we’ll have to save a spot on the Lowsman Watch for the QB playing LSU. Glennon was absolutely awful, and eventually pulled from LSU’s mauling of Virginia Tech. While he was in the game, he went 2/12, 16 yards, and an INT; everyone hates this guy at VT, he was booed in their emotional season opener, and has not taken his benching well. Here’s what he had to say:

I don't want to think about transferring right now, it’s not a good thought. I've had a good time in four years here. I don't want to leave here. But I feel like I'm good enough to play on any team in this country...

It's just unfortunate that I'm put in a position where, because my legs don't move as fast as Tyrod's, I'm not going to be playing...

Not to say I'll make it, but I feel like I have a shot at the next level...

I don't want to blame anything on anybody. That's the last thing I want to do, is say I'm not playing because of the line...

So, in summary, Glennon can play on any other team in the country (Brian Brohm, WATCH OUT), he’s not starting because Tyrod Taylor is faster (definitely not because he’s more accurate than 2/16), he’s got a shot at the NFL (maybe the Browns), he refuses to blame his performance on anyone else (except his O-line), and he’s a complete douche (I read between the lines). I absolutely cannot stand this guy.

2) Harrison Beck, QB, NC State: 43/78, 528 yards, 2 TDs, 6 INTs

Donald Driver gets hard just watching NC State play, no one has ever thrown for more garbage yards in history, not even Favre, than Harrison Beck did in the Wolfpack’s game against Boston College on Saturday. It seemed like, on every single drive, Beck would lead his team 60 yards downfield, only to end every drive by throwing a crippling interception in BC territory, which explains his line of 26/50, 321 yards, 5 INTs. I was an NC State fan for the day (I bet on the game) and I wanted to beat him senseless, but was calmed to know that the Boston College defense was doing that for me. His performance is probably what it would look like if Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman were in a quarterback by committee for the Colts.

3) Cody Hawkins, QB, Colorado: 33/73, 356 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs

Here at Log’s Blog there is nothing we hate more than Sean Glennon, but a close second would be nepotism which makes this an obvious pick. Hawkins doesn’t have the interceptions or fumbles to match up with some people on this list, but I think he fits right in. Saturday night, against Arizona State, Hawkins went 15 of 42 on his pass attempts; that’s a bad three point percentage. I think I’d be more comfortable with Jason Kapono quarterbacking my team. It’d probably be best for everyone if Cody just heeded his coach/dad’s advice to “Go play intramurals, brother son!”

4) Mike Turkovich, LG, Notre Dame: Sucked all year

It’s only fair to spread the love amongst this year’s Notre Dame lineman, this week’s representative is Mike Turkovich. Turk had this to say about the Penn State game, “The O-line is only as good as its weakest link. We’re not coming together right now … Zero yards rushing? It can’t get much worse.” He clearly has a bad memory as the offensive actually did do worse, rushing for negative eight yards the week before against Georgia Tech, but the improvement from week one has been noted. If they keep up this pace, they’ll get to 100 yards rushing around the second game next season; be patient ND fans.

5) Delbert Alvarado, K, South Florida: 2/6 FGs

First of all, Delbert is an African-American kicker, so it’s pretty tough for me to write about him; it’s like criticizing the Yellow-billed Cuckoo Bird of being weird looking; they're both endangered species and you can't criticize what you don't know, but "can't" was erased from my vocabulary in 3rd grade gym class so I'll try. Delbert’s performance bears mention because it was so atrocious. I had a small wager on the South Florida, which I placed legally in Las Vegas, and he nearly ruined it by missing four field goals in the second half of the game. He missed field goals of 37, 45, 37, and 21 yards; each one nearly causing me to emotionally break down. Luckily, Delbert made a 19 yard FG to send the game into overtime, but, since I could have made that, he stays on the list. If the Bulls would have lost the game, he would have been number one, so he’s lucky … this time.

6) Todd Boeckman, QB, AN Ohio State University: 31/46, 356 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs

Ever wonder what would happen if Michael Henig was quarterback of Ohio State instead of Mississippi State? This is what would happen. Boeckman wasn’t that bad against Youngstown State, but he wasn’t impressive against an insanely overmatched defense. On the other hand, against Akron he was awful going 14/23, 131 yards, 2 TDs, and 2 INTs. The Buckeye’s were lucky Charlie Frye is no longer a Zip (haha) or they might have pulled a Michigan (albeit Akron is D-I, but Appalachian State is better).

7) Deon Palmer, S, Louisville: Allowed Middle Tennessee State to score 42 points

I’m sure there are probably worse players on this defense, but I have to give the nod to the safety since it seemed like every Middle Tennessee play was either shut down at the line of scrimmage or went for a touchdown. I forsee a long stay on this list for Palmer, considering Louisville’s schedule only gets tougher as they begin playing universities that represent the entirety of their state [note: this was Latarrius Thomas' spot, but he is now out for the season with a torn ACL, so I switched Palmer in ... he's just as bad].

8) Devin Tyler, LT, Temple: 0 rushing yards, 0 passing yards, 0 TDs

I don’t get too upset about the things I write about these young athletes, I don’t have much in the way of a conscience, but Devin’s situation really struck a cord. I mean, I can really put myself in his shoes. Devin was ranked as the 451st defensive lineman in the country coming out of high school, and decided to go to Temple. So, obviously, he was destined for this award. I just think of how easily his name could be interchanged with my own since I was, in fact, ranked the 452nd best defensive lineman in the country; I decided not to go to Temple because I thought it would be more embarrassing than impressive. At least he can still say he’s a Division I Football Bowl Subdivision player, I’m sure that got him a handy at some point, but it also got him on this list.

9) Lyle Moevao, QB, Oregon State: 17/32, 175 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTs

Moevao is part of a quarterback by committee situation along with Sean Canfield at OSU. As the old adage says, “if you have two quarterbacks, you don’t have a quarterback,” this situation is the epitome of that saying. Against Cincinnati, the two combined to go, 32/54, 274 yards, 0TDs, and 6 INTs. Those are Michael Henig numbers. I chose Moevao because he has yet to throw a touchdown pass, but these guys have basically been equally bad. They should be too ashamed to call themselves Oregon State Beavers, until further notice, we will refer to Lyle as an Oregon State Pussy.

10) Chad Henne, QB, Michigan: 31/60, 405 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs

I’m not going to pile on here, after watching the Mgoblog’s slow spiral into oblivion the last two weeks, I don’t think they need anymore. As a Notre Dame fan, I know exactly how they feel, and we all handle these situations differently. I unleash my rage by putting my team’s players on this list (see: Turkovich, Mike); they post pictures of kittens and play emo music, but at the end of the day, our teams are still playing on ABC, Go Irish!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Bob Costas Has a Little Hop in His Step (Get it? Little)

During the Fox pregame show on Sunday, Frank Caliendo’s skit was aired, as it is every week. Here’s what went down:

In the bit, Caliendo-as-Madden wondered who could have been the jockey on Chad Johnson, the Bengals receiver, when he beat a horse in a charity race in June.

“Hey, where’s that little guy who plays Costas?” Caliendo asked, which brought the real, nearly 5-foot-7 Costas on-screen.

Costas mocked Caliendo’s height (a shade below Costas’s), offered a list of renowned people shorter than he, and told Caliendo: “I work with John Madden. Frank, you don’t measure up.”

Clever. But the catch? Costas works for NBC, not Fox. What a little snake. And to cap things off, he doesn’t really give a shit:

Costas, by phone Sunday, said it was kept "a secret" from both Fox and NBC — "I don't know if I had to (get NBC's permission), but I didn't."

NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol said that he thought the bit was humorous. I would say that too, Ebersol. With this Keith Hernandez/Napoleon complex, Lord knows what Costas would have said about Ebersol after his “As anyone can plainly see, I'm 5-6 1/2 and a strapping 150, and unlike some people, I came by all of it naturally” Barry Bonds burn.

[New York Times]
[USA Today]

Fantasy Football Is Ruining My Life

Fantasy football is ruining my life. There's no denying it, it's affecting my personal relationships, my school work, my loyalties, the list goes on. I need an intervention, someone needs to just delete my teams; it's the only thing that will get my life back on track.

  • My family barely knows me anymore, I never leave my apartment for fear that I might miss a waiver wire pickup. My life has devolved into one long wait, I've waited for the last two years for LaDainian Tomlinson to get injured so I can pick up Michael Turner. If I leave now, I know he's going down. I've made the decision, at least subconsciously, that I'd rather lose my relationship with my sister than lose the Burner.
  • My grandma died last year, but don't cry for me, I didn't cry for her. My ducts aren't wide enough to release ice, I'm cold, I don't have feelings. Or at least that's what I thought. I cried for the first time in ten years Sunday night; it took Brandon Jacobs getting hurt to make me feel something.
  • I no longer know where my loyalties lie. As I've stated before, I love my Eagles, but that devil on my shoulder named fantasy football doesn't care about loyalty. The guy I was facing had McNabb, I couldn't believe I found myself thinking about how an injury wouldn't be soo bad. Kevin Kolb is the shit, I would tell myself. Donovan, I'm sorry; Mrs. McNabb, I'm sorry.
  • I can't do school work, if i did I wouldn't know who to start next week. Fantasy isn't about moves made on Saturday or Sunday morning, it's about the work one puts in on Monday and Tuesday. I've got DVR recordings to study, weekly fantasy rankings to review, and blogs to read regarding injuries and weekend outlooks. I haven't opened up a goddamn book, I'm screwed.
  • I've lost multiple frienships on fantasy message boards. I'm sorry, but if you pick up Terry Glenn I'm going to tear you apart. Maybe I shouldn't have said his mother was a whore and I fucked her for a dollar, but he should know fantasy isn't for the faint of heart. That relationship is gone, but I hope I can stop so no more need to be compromised.
I haven't showered since Friday, I haven't shaved ... I look homeless. This couple hundred dollars I might win is going to be TOTALLY worth it. No it isn't, someone please help.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Contest Update

After an exciting weekend of gambling, it's time to update the contest standings. I expect everyone to have already read our picks but if you're new to the blog, here they are. If anyone out there decided to just bet my picks then I'll go ahead and say you're welcome for this week but I would advise against doing it in the future. Although I love gambling, I suck at it.

The Contest

BigLots 9-1
Sammich 5-5
Guy 5-5
Buzzsaw 2-7-1

Worst Pick of the Week: It probably should be my ill-advised Louisville bet but since that's my only loss I refuse to take the worst pick. Instead I'll go with Buzzsaw's selection of Miami to cover +10.5 against Oklahoma. The final score ended up being 51-13 in Oklahoma's favor.

Beat of the Week: Buzzsaw again gets this honor with his Texas-TCU over. The line was 44.5 and the score going into the fourth quarter was 10-10. However, 27 fourth quarter points later and he lost by 2.5 points.

Rumor: Frye to be cut (hahaha); Quinn to start Sunday vs. Cincinnati

Today on WTAM 1100, the Cleveland Browns' flagship station, Browns' sideline reporter Andre Knott reported that Ken Dorsey's truck was spotted in Berea at the complex. Andre said Charlie Frye might be cut and that Quinn could start Sunday. Knott also said that adding into the equation is the fact that Sunday marks the easiest defense on the schedule in a long time, the Bengals.

This is about as exciting news as a Browns fan could hear right now, considering 34-7. Frye couldn't have looked worse. And remember-- Quinn was very unhappy when Dorsey was let go. He said that Ken was a very good mentor for him. This also adds to the theory that the Browns coaches and front office is completely incompetent. Releasing Dorsey, starting Frye, then possibly cutting Frye and picking Dorsey back up. What in the world is going on on the lake?

Remember, this is just a rumor. But where there's smoke, there's fire. We'll check back with you after this all unfolds.

Heisman Watch: Week 2

1) Sam Bradford: 40/48, 568 yards, 8 TDs

Bradford is the first of a couple redshirt freshmen gracing this column. He has been the best player in the country to date. He only has 8 incompletions, that’s insane. Oklahoma is one of only a couple teams to actually play real competition, so his accomplishments are even more impressive. He truly is following in Josh Heupel’s footsteps, luckily for him there is no Weinke standing between him and the Heisman, but he does have his own baseball playing QB to deal with.

2) Colt Brennan: 77/101, 964 yards, 11 TD (including 1 rushing), 1 INT

Colt, I really wish you’d stop throwing interceptions, interceptions make my dick soft. For the most part, Brennan has kept my dick hard though, hard enough to stay on this list. Sure he was only playing Louisiana Tech, a team that has never seemed to recover after their loss in the Bourbon Bowl, but his teammates aren’t exactly superstars.

3) Tiquan Underwood: 16 rec, 352 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Woody, Log's Blog's poster boy, showed that his week one performance was not a fluke by putting in another 100 yard receiving performance. So people might ask, “wait, where’s Ray Rice?” I’d answer their question with a question, “where was Ray Rice with 2:17 left in the game when Rutgers was already up 17 pts?” Oh, he was scoring a touchdown? Well, fuck Ray Rice, the Heisman isn’t about finding the best player in garbage time, it’s about finding the best player in the nation. His stats may fool Lee Corso, but they won’t fool me. Tiquan is invited to my Heisman party, but he isn’t welcome to bring a friend.

4) Patrick Pickney: 45/66, 521 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs

Most of his stats came this week against North Carolina, but he also held strong against Virginia Tech, not making mistakes and keeping his team in the game. He actually didn’t start against the Hokies, didn't play until the second quarter, East Carolina was his first start ever. In this first start, he threw for the second most yards in school history. I love this guy; he’s the next Byron Leftwich, nay, David Garrard.

5) Tashard Choice: 37 rushes, 306 yards, 4 TDs

Ray Rice should take a page out of the Tashard Choice playbook, Choice only played in the first quarter against over matched Samford, but in that quarter he ran for 100 yards and a touchdown. This is the type of performance I like to see from a Heisman hopeful. Someone needs to get this man a billboard in Times Square.

6) Graham Harrell: 92/123, 903 yards, 8 TDs, 1 INT

Brennan and Harrell are struggling to separate themselves as the best system quarterback in the country, so, for the time being, they will both stay in the rankings. I might just keep Harrell on here because I feel bad that he has to deal with his coach Mike Leach. Leach was abusing dogs before it was in vogue. When his dog peed on his tent as a child, Leach tied the dog up and pissed on it, so I can’t imagine what he does to Harrell when he throws an interception. God help him.

7) Jake “For Goodness Sake” Locker: 27/44, 335 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT … 26 rushes, 167 yards, 3 TDs

Locker might not have the passing numbers, but he’s got a Vince Young-type presence. He doesn’t lose. He’s another redshirt freshman that’s come in and taken over. He, too, has played actual competition, as Washington destroyed #22 Boise State. He really reminds me of the ASU version of Jake Plummer, if he grows a porn star mustache, I’m putting him at #1.

8) Dorien Bryant: 14 rec, 123 yards, 1 TD; 3 KO Returns, 191 yards, 1 TD

I tried to keep Bryant off this list, I thought if he didn’t get a return touchdown then he’d be gone. I just couldn’t do it though, he had over 100 yards receiving and a touchdown to go with a 40 yard kick return on his only chance. His QB, Curtis Painter, probably deserves a spot on this list, but I’m openly against Purdue quarterbacks. I had a bad experience with Kyle Orton, so I swore them off for good; the same thing happened when I got food poisoning at a Kuboto, I can no longer eat Japanese steak.

9) Dennis Dixon: 25/40, 426 yards, 5 TDs, 0 INTs

This spot will remain open for the QB facing Michigan each week. As a Braves fan, I’m extremely excited to see him excelling, Bobby Petrino must be salivating. We might have another Brian Jordan/Deion Sanders on our hands; he’d be a welcome addition to the long list of Brave Falcons (Dixon signed/played with the Atlanta Braves this summer).

10) Brian Brohm: 41/60, 776 yards, 9 TD, 0 INTs

This nomination will stand so long as I don’t hear any rumors of Brohm paying his defense to let Middle Tennessee State stay in the game. Brohm cannot be denied from a spot on this list. He’s got a gorgeous body, strong arm, and makes great decisions. I love everything about this guy, he’s a few crotch grabs away from Brady Quinn status for me.

Dropped out: James Davis, James Hardy

Dear Dallas. Enjoy Darren McFadden. Signed, Cleveland.

It’s probably too early for me to write anything rational about 34-7. Oh well.


-There was never a reason to be excited during the actual game. It was all buildup pregame. Five minutes into it, the Steelers were up 10-0 coming off ridiculous mistakes by the Browns offense and special teams.

-The ridiculous mistakes I speak of consist of a botched punt that included four Browns’ penalties (two defensive holdings, an illegal formation, and ineligible downfield kick). That has to be some sort of record. It was amazing. Also, a Charlie Frye interception that would have been intercepted by the Steeler behind Deshea Townsend (the guy that picked it off) had Townsend not been there. I thought they were going to fight over it.

-At first, it seemed as though the defense wasn’t really doing all that bad. It’s just that the offense put them in horrible field position. For instance, on the Steelers’ first three scoring drives, they started at the Cleveland 22 (Touchdown), the Cleveland 17 (Field Goal), and the Cleveland 40 (Touchdown). That’s ridiculous. But then, they had three scoring drives in the second half from their side of the field. So who knows. It was just an atrocity in all regards.


-The line looked good for the first time since we have been Cleveland Browns v2.0. Frye and Anderson both had time, but did not make good decisions. And that is kind of important.

The result:

-This team looked pretty bad. And our draft pick should end up being pretty good this year, so you Cowboys fans should be pretty excited about that. But remember Browns fans, it’s easy to bitch that “we’re so stupid for trading our 2008 draft pick for Brady Quinn!” but it’s simply not the case. Trading our 2nd rounder and this coming year’s first rounder was the equivalent of drafting Quinn in the first round next year, but giving up our 2nd rounder to have the luxury of having him now. Plus, he might end up being pretty good. If he busts, maybe it looks stupid. But we need a quarterback. You know that if you watched any of Sunday’s game. Frye and Derek Anderson should be playing in the CFL.

So yeah, it’s gonna suck when Dallas is picking very high in next April’s draft, but it’s all a part of being a Cleveland fan.

Bill Simmons Is the New Skip Bayless

I don’t like admitting this, but I was watching ESPN’s Cold Pizza First Take this morning and Skip Bayless was getting killed for another ridiculous prediction gone terribly wrong. He apparently chose the Falcons to win 8 games this year, which is not looking good after their 24-3 loss to the lowly Vikings. Let alone not making it into the end zone, the Falcons didn’t even make it into the red zone. Bayless refused to back down from his prediction, and his reasoning reminded me of someone … Bill Simmons.

Simmons chose the Falcons as the 12th best team in the NFL in his recent power rankings column. They were his “Mega Sleeper,” but God knows that this team, as presently constructed, would be nowhere near that ranking if they didn’t fit into his “Ewing Theory.” The Ewing Theory predicts a team’s success when an overrated “superstar” leaves them. It might have been a decent pick, except for the fact that the Falcons completely buried themselves by trading Matt Schaub.

Simmons knew how ridiculous the pick was, every ridiculous analyst was predicting the Falcons to be the surprise team in the league. I really doubt; however, that anyone picked them as high as 12th in the league. In ESPN’s world of shouting idiots, Simmons voice was the loudest. I envision a preseason meeting at Bristol where Bayless, Simmonsm and Salisbury, were playing a twisted version of name that tune with the Falcons, trying to see who’d get the most credit if they actually were decent. “I’ll pick them to win 6 games,” “I’ll do 7,” “Fuck this it’s the Ewing theory, 8 GAMES! And I’ll call them the 12th best team in the league!” … “SOLD!”

I’ve got a couple theories he may want to subscribe to. How about the Akili Theory, it states that Oregon quarterbacks are always awful. Also, he should take a look at the Spurrier Theory, which states that college “offensive geniuses” suck in the NFL. Sure there is plenty of time left for the Falcons to improve, but I think it’s very safe to say they won’t be anywhere near .500.

South Florida Is Getting Screwed

Today, we’re focusing on the USA Today/Coaches Poll. I could start by asking questions like, why is Hawaii in the top 25 when they barely beat Louisiana Tech? Or, how does Georgia stay in the top 25 after losing at home, while other teams have been more impressive in the first two weeks? Or, would teams really rather play Alabama or Iowa than Boise State? These questions point to the ridiculousness of the polls, in week 2 they should be fluid, but “coaches” are unwilling to make any majors changes to their ballots, which leads to my major question.

Why the hell is Auburn ranked ahead of South Florida? What do the Bulls have to do to get respect? Last year they beat West Virginia in Morgantown, they’ve got NINE returning starters on offense, they’ve got two NFL-caliber cornerbacks, and just beat Auburn at Auburn. If the school’s name was Miami and they went in and beat Auburn, they’d 100% be ranked this week. This is just another example of the NCAA screwing over small schools. Apparently they’re going to have to beat West Virginia in two weeks to get some respect; it’s just funny that beating a traditional SEC power won’t hold as much weight as beating a Big East school. Go Bulls.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Randy Moss Announces His Return in a Big Way

After a two year hiatus from professional football Randy Moss is back and he means business. The Patriot's biggest offseason signing had this to say after catching nine passes for 183 yards and a TD, "It just feels good to be out there on the field trying to win football games. I took two years off to do my own thing but I'm just glad I'm back now."

Welcome back Randy, welcome back.