Saturday, September 22, 2007

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

I FOUND IT!!!! My #1 source at Notre Dame, who's name I will not mention, handed me a copy of Charlie Weis's offensive play book. It is much thinner than I thought it would be, it consists of one formation and one play. The regular halfback dive is not in the play book, apparently Jimmy Clausen just calls the run when his arm gets sore. But anyways here is the formation used in every play.

Standard, ace single back three wide formation used in every Notre Dame down so far this year. In this singular play zero receivers are allowed to go more than 5 yards because otherwise Notre Dame might score. In case you didn't recognize the play book yet, this is the WR screen that is run on 3 & 20, 3&inches, 7th & 23.. etc. you get the point.

I think it would be cool to have Notre Dame throw a deep ball this year. I don't know if it will happen, but maybe just once. I know the offensive line can only hold people for 1.3 seconds, but make me happy

Friday, September 21, 2007

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

Alright, the Weekend Betting Preview will now become a one day affair, two was just too many. Last week was a fucking joke, I won 2/3rds of my plays and I bet like 40 games (that's a little excessive), but somehow I went 1-4 on this fucking contest. Annoying. Time to turn it around, which is weird to say because I'm actually due to lose after last weekend ... but whatever. Here's my biggest play this weekend.

Toledo +3.5 v. Iowa State

There are a lot of reasons to bet on games, in any sport, and most of them are involved here. I really don’t have to go into each team’s offensive and defensive units, this isn’t a matchup thing at all. Here’s why I like this:

It’s a huge letdown game for Iowa State. They just beat their most bitter rival, Iowa at home. They are in no way better than Iowa, it was just a rivalry game, which can obviously go either way. That made their season. I might be worried if they were undefeated or something, with conference championship aspirations, but this team is 1-2, with losses coming to Northern Iowa and Kent State at home already this year. They won’t care about this game, they won their championship last weekend.

This is a sandwich game for Iowa State. They had their biggest game of the year last weekend and next weekend they will be traveling to Nebraska. It would be crazy to think this team was focused on Toledo, but, shockingly, they’re laying points. I know Toledo is bad, but so is Iowa State.

This is also a revenge game for Toledo as they lost a 3OT game at Iowa State to start the year last year. Toledo has also lost three straight games, all to high powered offenses, Purdue, Central Michigan, and Kansas; playing Iowa State will be a nice break from those type of offenses. I’ll end with a nice stat about Toledo’s home field advantage, Toledo is 20-2 in their first home game back off a two game road trip since 1986, haha … I absolutely hate trends, but that’s pretty impressive. One more, Toledo is 20-9 in their last 29 home games. They love going home.

Toledo +3.5 v Iowa State


Toledo +3.5 v Iowa State
Oregon State/Arizona State Under 52
Penn State/Michigan Under 46.5
Colts -6 @ Texans
Browns/Raiders Under 40


Tulsa +23 v Oklahoma
Louisville/Syracuse Over 61.5
Michigan +3 v PSU
Bengals/Seahawks Over 49.5
Lions/Eagles Over 43.5


Illinois -2.5 @ Indiana
Michigan +3 v Penn State
Oregon -17 @ Stanford
Broncos -3 v Jaguars
Cowboys +3 @ Bears


East Carolina/West Virginia Over 59
Georgia Tech -3.5 @ Virginia
Penn State/Michigan Over 46.5
Colts -6 @ Texans
Redskins -3 v Giants

Better Late Than Never

On Wednesday night, heaven was hopping. God, the angels, the Holy Spirit, and even J.C. were hanging out just watching some baseball. While the Angels, their favorite team, were on commercial break, the Holy Spirit flipped over on God’s DirecTV MLB package to see what the Cubs and Reds were up to. As Ken Griffey, Jr. stepped up to the plate in the 8th inning, bedlam occurred:

God: Wait, Ken Griffey, Jr.? Didn’t I already get that task over with?

Holy Spirit: No, I was wondering what you were doing-- he’s been healthy all year. He’s got 30 homers, 93 RBIs, and he’s batting .277. But haven’t the Reds suffered enough? This would be totally unnecessary.

God: Wow. I’m really disappointed in myself. I usually take care of him by about June.

(fast forward to bottom of the eighth-- Ryan Theriot singles to right field… and Griffey injures himself…. Throwing the ball??-- a deep laughter is heard throughout the heavens)

Jesus: Dad, you’re such a dick.

Poor Ken.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Rejected ESPN Fan Videos

I didn’t think ESPN could do anything more annoying than Who’s Now, but I was very wrong. There is really nothing worse than leisurely watching ESPN and then BOOM! “GO South Florida!!! Auburn better watch out cause Matt Grothe’s coming to town!!! And when he does, he brings THE PAINNNN!!!” I’m sure everyone has had that experience with ESPN's new college football fan videos. The worst one of all is definitely that Texas A&M guy, he is such a douche, “Y’all better watch out for Aggies this year, they’ve got the best running game in the country, Stephen McGee, Mike Goodson, the list goes ON AND ON!” It makes you wonder, how bad are the videos that they don’t put on TV? Well, we’ve been given access to the rejects, and it’s frightening.

ESPN definitely doesn’t want videos of you saying how much your rival sucks, and they absolutely don’t need you ripping your shirt off:

Shockingly, ESPN does not want the videos of you puking on the way to your team’s game:

I don’t really understand why anyone would ever send this into ESPN, but I have a feeling it was a Michigan fan:

ESPN might not want the videos of you hitting your friend in the balls with a football, but we sure do. Please send all videos to our email in the upper left of your page:

This girl clearly doesn’t understand the purpose of these videos, but, I for one, would have thrown her a bone:

Lowsman Watch: Week 3

1) Harrison Beck, QB, NC State: 59/110, 641 yd, 2 TD, 6 INT

Harrison Beck has transformed himself; it’s really been spectacular to watch. He’s morphed from an interception throwing gunslinger, a la Brett Favre or Rex Grossman, into game managing Mark Brunell-type. Last week he threw for over 300 yards and 5 interceptions, this week, he threw for 113 yards, no TDs, and no INTs; that was good for 3.5 yards per attempt… BORING. Beyond being an awful quarterback, he’s gotta be a douche bag too right? What kind of name is Harrison? I know … it’s a last name. I’ve still gotta do some digging, but I’d be willing to bet that he’s the president of NC State’s athletic fraternity, from which, no nerd is safe. If you want to learn more about Harrison, check out his 'official website,' as opposed the the unofficial ones, this is the real deal.

2) Ben Olsen, QB, UCLA: 49/97, 702 yd, 5 TD, 4 INT

Ben, really nice work against Utah last weekend. The state of Utah has not been kind to Olsen as he has gone 33/68, 416yd, 0 TD, and 4 INTs in his last two games, against Utah and BYU. You would think Olsen would be used to the state’s Mormon voodoo elevation, as Olsen himself is a Mormon – and proud of it. Olsen did his mission to Canada from 2003-2005. For those who don’t know, Mormons make a pilgrimage to Canada once in their life to worship maple syrup. Quarterbacks who do their mission are normally awful, but Olsen isn’t worried because “It’s [the mission] important to me, plus I’m blessed with a lot of talent. I’m better than any other guy that’s gone on a mission.” Hmmm, at least he’s confident, but I think the Dolphin’s John Beck might have a legit gripe.

3) Lyle Moevao, QB, Oregon State: 24/43, 255 yd, 0 TD, 4 INT

Lyle is about to be supplanted as the Oregon State quarterback, losing out to Sean Canfield. At least I’d assume he will be, is there anything dumber than a quarterback by committee when the committee members are the exact same type of player? I understood the Chris Leak/Time Tebow thing, but this is ridiculous, especially when Moevao is so bad. Lyle will become the 5th member of our Lowsman Watch candidates to lose his job; a major hurdle in forming these lists, but something I’m very proud of.

4) Jameel Sewell, QB, Virginia: 31/54, 243 yd, 1 TD, 2 INT

I’m not sure why I didn’t keep Jameel on this list last week, he wasn’t good. So far this year, Jameel has yet to throw for over 100 yards … and he played Duke. UVA has a great defense, but he’s completely spoiling it. He isn’t doing it with his legs either, he is basically Vince Young with a torn ACL.

5) John Sullivan, C, ND: Fucking Awful

Sullivan is definitely not the worst player on this line, as he was the number one ranked center in the country going into the year and was on every lineman award watch list; but he’s the cornerstone of an offense that has rushed for -14 yards. Beyond that, Sullivan made sure that any glimmer of hope for Notre Dame fans was lost on the first offensive play of the game against Michigan when he snapped the ball over Jimmy Clausen’s head, nearly ending in a safety. The game was over right at that moment. Here are some more stats to get nauseous over, 20/39 offensive drives have ended in 3 and outs and 10 of those 39 have gone for negative yardage. It’s unbelievable, and hurts to watch. Against Michigan, nine different offensive linemen saw playing time, the only player that didn’t was 340-lb sophomore Chris Stewart. I can’t imagine how bad he must be.

6) Delbert Alvarado, K, South Florida: 2/6 FGs

South Florida had the week off last week, but get back at it this weekend versus North Carolina. Delbert is on this list, not only because of his FG %, but because of how bad his misses against Auburn were. Seriously, if the uprights were double their actual size, he still would have missed two of his FGs, and they were at key situations in the second half. There is no doubt that he is going to cost South Florida a game at some point, I’m going to guess it will be West Virginia.

7) Brandon Cox, QB Auburn: 37/75, 436 yd, 2 TD, 6 INT

More like Brandon “Sucks” Cox (oh yea, more to come), this guy is a senior, but is having his worst year ever. Cox is completely fucking the Tigers offense this year, sure, the offensive line is allowing penetration, but Cox needs to know better than to try and stick it into tight coverage; the Auburn offense needs to get back to pounding their opposition with the running game. In fact, Brandon may have lost his job to multi-purpose freshman Kodi Burns, by throwing two interceptions in the first 8 minutes against Michael Henig’s Mississippi State team. That might have spelled the end for Cox because, as we all know, once you go black, you never go back …. Cox has most likely become out 6th Lowsman candidate to lose their job.

8) Deon Palmer, SS, Louisville: MTSU = 42 pts UK = 40 pts

Senior Louisville safety Deon Palmer will continue to represent the Cardinal’s porous defense. They’ve given up over 40pts for the second week in a row. They may get a reprieve this weekend as they meet Syracuse, a team that actually has a worse defense. Deon should probably start taking the advice of his father, Horace Grant, but all signs point to Deon being a bastard child. By ‘all signs,’ I mean he doesn’t wear a helmet visor, I’m sure that would have been lesson #1 from the Horse.

9) Travis Thomas, RB, Notre Dame: 14 carries, 18 yards

Thomas is, thankfully, being fazed out of the ‘running game,’ but he definitely deserves mention before his disappearance. Anyone who has watched Notre Dame’s games knows his fetal possession running style. Literally, every time he gets it, he clutches it with both hands and falls down. I am the last person to blame the running backs or quarterbacks for their lack of offensive production, but Travis Thomas is awful. Others, especially Armando Allen, have shown explosiveness despite having absolutely no room to move.

10) Brian Smith, K, BYU: 0/1 FG, 2 missed PAT

If the Oregon State quarterback by committee situation seems dumb, BYU’s kicker by committee might have out done them. Brian Smith is the second option for the Cougars, but he has missed his lone FG attempt and missed two of six PATs. I can’t imagine how Coach Mendenhall could ever rationally decide to put Smith in, it’s gotta have something to do with reading golden tablets or getting visions in a hat … who the hell knows what these Mormon’s are up to. No matter who the kicker is though, these Cougars should feast on some young, sweaty men in uniform next week as BYU takes on Air Force.

We are always accepting suggestions, please feel free to nominate your team's most worthless player in the comments

Yeah, Hines, I’m gonna have to ask you to come in on… Saturday.

This story puts a smile on my face; all the while removing that smirky ass grin from the face of Hines Ward (Sorry Logan, this article is completely necessary).

Ward owns a bar with two other business associates, the Locker Room Bar & Grille, which they opened together in December 2005. One of the associates, Nicholas Lettieri, claims that there’s money missing from the business. From (The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review):

Lettieri leveled accusations in court documents that [Kimberly] Pitts (editors note- the third associate), her husband, Korry Pitts, and Ward failed to deposit cash receipts into the company accounts and have diverted the funds to their own personal bank accounts. Lettieri states that despite profits of more than $1 million and insurance money of $500,000, the company's bank accounts totaled less than $19,000 as of last week.

As much as the Cleveland fan in me wants to make fun of Ward for stealing, I can’t look past the history of the third associate, Kimberly Pitts and her husband Korry. Korry was sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1997 for distributing narcotics (so why is he not in jail?). The point is, assumptions lead me to believe the Pitts may have had more to do with it than Ward. But that’s not nearly as fun as making funny jokes, like these ones:

  • Seriously Hines, is this necessary? First the Steelers name the field after you. And then they give you that 5 year, $27 million contract in 2005. Really? That wasn’t enough? So you had to drain out your little bar’s bank account? Greedy bastard.
  • I think Hines may have messed up a mundane detail, like Michael Bolton and the decimal point thing in Office Space. What’s next? Is Alan Faneca accidentally going to burn down the building and let Hines off free like Peter Gibbons, Samir Nagonnaworkhereanymore, and Bolton? I could see Faneca being a red Swingline guy.
  • Hey Hines, remember when the refs cheated for you in the Super Bowl? Well they can’t bail you out of this one! (cheap shot-- my apologies)

Oh, and Hines. I'm gonna need you to come in on... Sunday, too.


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Only Race I Care About Is The AL Central

Denzel Washington once said... "I don't care if you're black, white, blue, purple, or orange, I want the offensive team on this bus and the defensive team on that bus." I am not really sure if those are the exact words, but they are damn close. It is time for all of this black, white shit to end. Wah wah wah I'm not treated fair because of the color of my skin. SHUT THE FUCK UP DONOVAN. SHUT THE FUCK UP SHEFFIELD. SHUT THE FUCK UP DON IMUS. PLEASE, OZZIE GUILLEN, NEVER TALK AGAIN. YOU CHEAT BARRY.

Okay I'm much better now. I know sometimes it is tough for professional athletes to think, but Donovan McNabb got in to Syracuse, and that is a pretty good school. Therefore, I am coming to the conclusion that he has a brain, unlike Gary Sheffield who went to Tampa College for a whole year. McNabb said that black quarterbacks need to perform better because there are fewer of them. He also said that people don't want African-Americans to play QB. I'm getting angry again. HOLY SHIT DONNY! It's a damn good thing Mike Alstott is bitching about the lack of white running backs. Oh wait... he isn't. Let's see, black people are generally quick, mobile, and fast as hell, which makes a pretty good running back. So I bet if an African-American has an arm with the precision and strength of Peyton Manning, people aren't going to say.. "Eh, he's really good, but he's black. I don't want him to help my team win. Let's give Ryan Leaf a shot."

McBad also stated that he gets criticized even when he plays well and his team wins. 9-12 in your last 21 starts DMac, that doesn't sound like too much winning. This includes two straight seasons of you getting injured. Do you really think people aren't going to criticize your fragile ass? You are getting worse than Fred Taylor so stfu.

Want some icing on your cake? Donovan said that Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning rarely get criticized for their play. trying to stay calm... ... ... ... .......... ................ !!!!!!!!!!!! PEYTON MANNING JUST WON A SUPER BOWL. PEYTON MANNING IS ALREADY IN THE HALL OF FAME. PEYTON MANNING IS GOING TO BREAK EVERY FUCKING RECORD, PROBABLY EVEN BONDS' HOME RUN RECORD. CARSON PALMER JUST THREW FOR 6 TOUCHDOWNS. HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT DONOVAN? NO YOU HAVEN'T SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Professional sports is not one giant race issue. Get it out of your heads. Stop playing the race card AND GO PLAY SPORTS. You get paid to play a game. Go make your fans happy, win some games, earn your teammates respect, and earn the money you get because you were graced with talent and worked hard throughout your athletic life. If you need attention that badly, don't go mouthing off about your race. We know you are African-American. What we don't know, is if you still have the talent you had three years ago when you took your team to the playoffs.

Rational Talk About the Redskins

Now that I’ve had a day to let it all settle in, I’m ready to rationally talk about the Redskins’ 2-0 start to the season. They are the best team in the NFL. They have the scariest secondary in the entire NFL, Champ Bailey and Dre Bly can talk all they want, but any rational WR would rather get locked down by those guys than knocked out by Area 51.

Let me explain to everyone why the Redskins are so good. Do you all remember ESPN’s preseason NFL rankings last year? I’m not exactly sure where the Redskins ended up, but I know they were in the top 5. That team had a ton of talent, on defense and offense, but they disappointed everyone. So, due to the 5-11 alone, people have counted them out this year … except for Redskins fans. We knew that last year was a fluke disaster for two reasons, Mark Brunell and injuries to the secondary.

Mark Brunell was painful to watch, imagine Grossman if he never threw further than 10 yards down field. It was one of the more painful offenses ever. However, when Jason Campbell came in, teams had to respect the deep pass and, in turn, the running game opened up. They averaged 151 yards rushing per game when Campbell started and have continued by averaging over 160 yards in their first two games, despite losing two of their top three linemen. Campbell is a game manager type quarterback, but keeps defenses on their toes because of his above average arm.

The defense was ranked 31st in the league last year in total defense, they didn’t get any turnovers or sacks. People thought the problem was the defensive line, which would make sense, but that wasn’t the problem. Injuried to the secondary killed the team. Shawn Springs missed nearly half of the season, and was injured even when he did play. Carlos Rodgers only missed one game, but had nagging injuries all year. Even though he could play, he wasn’t ready to be a #1 cornerback. They had no depth either, and Mike Rumph actually started for the Redskins defense. Clearly, those guys couldn’t matchup man to man with any receivers, even the Eagles, thus neutralizing Gregg Williams. His defenses are predicated on the blitz, and it’s impossible to do that without able cornerbacks. Quarterback pressure does not come from the defensive line, it comes from the linebackers and safeties, who were unable to blitz. This year, however, they’ve got Rodgers and Springs healthy and they added Fred Smoot and David Macklin … two guys who started on their previous teams. Now, with great CB depth, and the addition of monster LaRon Landry, the Skins defense can blitz and get the opposition’s QB off balance. Exhibit 1: Trent Green Exhibit 2: Donovan McNabb … I can’t wait to see Rex Grossman when the Bears come to Washington, it will be a sight to see.

So, in conclusion, this team is for real. As it stands they will be favored in all but 3 of their last 14 games. If they don’t make the playoffs, I don’t know what I’ll do … but it won’t be good. If they do make the playoffs though, absolutely anything can happen because the NFC is, shockingly, worse than last year.

Sorry about the slow day thus far, I had a rough morning. I was getting my Bagel Bites out of the oven and literally burnt the entire back of my hand trying to get them out, but I'm fighting through the pain; I've got to, I'm a blogger.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Heisman Watch: Week 3

Just a reminder, in case you're really confused, this isn’t your normal Heisman Watch list. We don’t care what players did last year or what 'the man' says. This list is based solely on this year’s performance and my personal biases. Alright, let’s bully:

1) Tiquan Underwood, WR, Rutgers: 20 Rec, 500 yd, 3 TD

Tiquan is Log’s Blog’s poster man; he’s been top 3 in our list every week thus far. He has been as consistent as any player in the nation, and he depends on Mike “Awful Quarterback” Teel to pass him the ball. This week, Underwood had his third straight game of 100+ yards receiving and added another touchdown … all of which were gathered the 2nd quarter. This is all despite Greg Schiano’s continued efforts to chop (Under)wood, and his Heisman campaign; he clearly has sided with the Ray Rice. To go along with the TD, Tiquan got Rutgers into the red zone twice on deep passes … in each instance Rice vultured the TD. Would it kill Schiano to call a fade once and awhile? Undies is doing all of this without being the focal point of his team, we love him.

2) Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii: 103/133, 1262 yd, 12, 1 INT, 4 rush TD

Colt has continued his magical season by dismantling UNLV in Vegas. This time he showed his versatility, that he can beat teams with his arm AND his legs. Brennan went 26/32, 298 yards, 2 TD and also added 3 rushing TDs. This was an especially important game for Colt as his brothers were finally able to see him play; they are normally unable to make the trip to Hawaii from California. Luckily, Rocky and Tum Tum were able to see one of the best all-around games of Colt’s college career.

3) Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma: 59/74, 823 yd, 11 TD, 1 INT

Had to drop Bradford a couple spots due to an INT at Utah State last week, but he had another solid game overall. We really appreciate that Bob Stoops has presented a respectable Heisman candidate from his team, the other serious national title contenders to this point, USC and LSU, have not. Pete Carroll has turned into the college version of Mike Shannahan, it’s actually creepy how much high school boys love him, top RBs are willing to split carries to play for him … it’s kind of gay. Uhh, getting off topic, Sam Bradford is good.

4) Dorien Bryant WR, Purdue: 20 Rec, 218 yd, 198 total yd/game

There are too many stats to write for Bryant, he’s the best all purpose player in the country … sorry DeSean. This is despite only being punted to 3 times even though Purdue has forced 22 punts; he’s kicked to 13% of the time. DeSean Jackson on the other hand has been kicked to on 6 of 18 punts, or 33%. That’s a very, very key stat. Bryant also has 279 yards on only 6 kickoff returns, a 46.5 yard average. He made the list in week 1 because of his kickoff return for a touchdown, but the last two weeks he has also dominated as a receiver. Last weekend, for instance, he had 95 yards receiving, 39 yards rushing, and a routine 58 yard kick return. Dorien hasn’t even gotten to the easiest part of his schedule, as Notre Dame doesn’t come to town for two weeks… watch out.

5) Graham Harrell, QB, Texas Tech: 120/160, 1317 yd, 14 TD, 2 INT

Another day, another 400 yard passing performance for Harrell. It is a travesty that ESPN is not talking about this guy yet. I might be a simple mind, but I don’t understand how anyone can be stroking John David Booty’s dick while Harrell is left unserviced. How much different would USC be with Harrell at QB? No different at all. For some reason, Heisman voters have decided to make the QB of the best team in the country a top three Heisman candidate, regardless of his importance to their team. We’re against that here.

6) Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College: 77/130, 985 yards, 7 TD, 3 INT

I was not a believer in Boston College before the season, but they’ve played arguably had the most difficult schedule in the nation to this point, and he has led the Eagles to a 3-0 start. I bet Tom O’Brien is beginning to regret his decision to leave Boston College for NC State, which he did because NC State “has a better chance to recruit BCS level talent.” It’s going to be tough to recruit Ryan-level QB’s to NC State when they realize that it’s only the third most desirable school in Raleigh-Durham. He better just hope to hit the jackpot on some overrated, sidearm-throwing QB… I’m a Philip Rivers hater.

7) Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas: 57 carries, 346 yards, 3 TDs

McFadden has only played in two games thus far this year, and has been unbelievable in both. Last weekend, he put Arkansas on his back to take the lead after being down 21 pts at Alabama, but 21pt deficits are the least of McFadden’s Heisman problems. D-Fad has been one of the many excellent players to suffer through the SEC’s phallic QB surname epidemic of 2007. Casey Dick (Arkansas), Brandon Cox (Auburn), and Chad Penis (Ole Miss) have set back their kind 100 years and, in turn, their teammates.

8) Percy Harvin, WR, Florida: 10 Rec, 215 yd, 2 TD, 16 rush, 156 yd

Harvin finally had his breakout game at Florida, he caught 4 passes for 120 yards and rushed nine times for 75 yards against rival Tenessee. He’s also one of the hardest working players in the NCAA, and he better be if he wants the public to overlook his first name. Last year, Percy was overshadowed by his counterpart Dallas Baker, he was the Carlton to Baker’s Will Smith. He’s finally out of the Touchdown Maker’s shadow, but Percy has not stopped doing the impossible, he’s also made Tim Tebow look like an accurate passer.

9)Andre’ Woodson, QB, Kentucky: 65/95, 743 yards, 9 TD, 0 INT

I’ve got to give it to Andre’, he outplayed Brian Brohm. Brohm threw his first INT of the year in the first two minutes of their game, absolutely killing Louisville. If it’s actually possible to kill a team’s chances in the opening minutes, he did it. The INT immediately followed a fumbled kickoff which had been converted into a FG; Woodson’s offense converted the INT into a touchdown, thus ending Louisville’s chances of a cover win. It will be interesting to see how Woodson performs against actual defenses, if last year was any indication, he could be on this list for a long time.

10) John Parker Wilson, QB, Alabama: 55/98, 666 yd, 4 TD, 3 INT

The Heisman is about a lot more than stats, and Wilson’s are underwhelming and somewhat satanic, but he had the best “Heisman Moment” of the year thus far against Arkansas. He threw the game winning touchdown with 8 seconds left last weekend, on national TV. Previous Heisman winners include Eric Crouch, Jason White, and, now, Troy Smith so you know that being the most skilled player in the country is not a prerequisite for winning the award. JPW has everything; athletic ability, team success, and, or course, massive sex appeal. Sex appeal cannot be underestimated by Heisman Watches; it got Brady Quinn all the way to New York. You aren’t a real Heisman candidate until you make me question my sexuality, and JPW certainly has. I mean, has not. I mean, has. I'm so confused.

Plaxico Burress Considering Faking an Injury

Fact: The Giants are pretty bad

Fact: Eli Manning, when pressured, hangs his receivers out to dry

Fact: Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry are both capable of putting opponents into an intensive care unit, as seen last night on Monday Night Football

Now you see Plaxico’s dilemma.Why should he put his body on the line for a crappy team with a crappy quarterback against the most feared safeties in the league? A source of mine, and it is a good one (or did I dream this-- ehh, screw it), let me in on a little secret. Burress has been on the horn all morning with the best and brightest looking for advice on how to fool Tom Coughlin to make him think that he is injured, and as a result, won’t have to be on the wrong end of a blood bath at FedEx Field this coming Sunday. If I’m Plax, I get Paul Pierce, Vince Carter, Randy Moss and every Italian soccer player I can get a hold of in a conference call to figure out the best way to sit out of a game without actually being injured.

In closing, here’s a reiteration about what Landry’s high school coach said about him:

"If they go over the middle, I'll bet on him. I'll give him a dollar if he takes T.O. out," said Lou Valdin, Landry's coach at Hahnville High. "He'll shut him up because he can hit you and hurt your whole family. Interception for a touchdown or put a guy in the hospital? That's a tough decision for LaRon."

He and Taylor are probably pretty good friends. You know, like those two psycho guys that are friends with each other, get in fights once every couple of weeks, but are made up the next day.

Plaxico, go with “Ruptured spleen.” That shit is can’t miss.

The Magic Number: 7

The Indians expanded their lead over the Tigers in the Central to 5.5 games Monday night. Jhonny Peralta hit two homeruns, one of which tied the game in the bottom of the 8th. The Tribe went on to win in the bottom of the 11th off of Casey Blake’s walk-off home run, his second in the past four games.

This qualifies for excitement in Cleveland. With two more games with the Tigers coming up today and Wednesday, it is possible that the magic number could be down to five, or even (gasp) three with a sweep.

Back to Blake: Sammich and I were discussing this last night. Indians fans have always looked at Blake as a "glue guy." What does this exactly mean?

1 cup leadership
2 cups clubhouse persona
1 cup versatility
1/8 cup (is that possible? I'm bad with measurements) clutch hits

add water... and what do you get?

Well, in 2007 you get a .267 average, 17 homers, 72 RBIs, an OBP of .337 and a slugging % of .434.

And two walk off home runs when the Indians needed them most.

Watch out for this team in October (assuming we get there-- yes, I am paranoid enough to cover up my possible jinx). Sabathia and Carmona is a pretty scary one-two punch. And I guess watch out for Blake too.

In other Cleveland news as you may have heard, the Browns beat the Bengals 51-45. I still haven't quite figured out how this happened yet (most people are saying a combination between Charlie Frye was a cancer and the Bengals defense is horrid), but maybe I'll be able to sort more of this out after we see a road game this weekend.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Just Looking to Put Some Food on the Table

As you may have already heard, Travis Henry has a few kids here and there. Nine to be exact. And that’s a lot of mouthes to feed. I’m sure he doesn’t regret that lavish spending that bumps up his child support numbers so high. But as they say, what’s done is done. And now Travis Henry has to be good at football. No, really. He doesn’t have a choice.

As Henry’s lawyer, Shiel Edlin said:

“He doesn't have any money. The guy has significant financial issues.”

And that’s despite signing a contract in the offseason for 5 years, $22.5 million with a total of $12 million in guarantees. That twelve should go a long way, but to pick up his entire contract, Henry needs to be running with a purpose in Denver. After all, Shanahan could put a paraplegic back there and they’d run for 1,700 at this point, so he better give them a reason to keep paying him.

And guess what? He’s coming through so far. As of Monday afternoon, Henry is leading the league in rushing with 267 yards through his first two games. Considering all of the drama in the last two Broncos victories, his achievements are being lost in the translation. In week one, Jason Elam and the rest of the field goal team ran out on the field and barely got a game winner up for the win. On Sunday, Sebastian Janikowski kicked the game winner in overtime, but the referees gave Mike Shanahan his timeout that he called right before the snap. Seabass went on to hit the top of the post on his second attempt and Elam went on to work his magic again. This team could easily be 0-2. But they’re 2-0, and Henry has played a large part in that, despite getting his touchdowns ganked by the likes of Cecil Sapp and Brandon Marshall.

By the time it’s all said and done, Henry will be added to the list of backs that reaped the benefits of the Broncos system. And you may see an influx in the number of Henry jerseys being sported in Florida, North Carolina, Texas, and Georgia.

[Atlanta Journal Constitution]

What's the Difference Between Moss and TO?

Randy Moss must have a damn good public relations team behind him because, for some reason, everyone loves him … even ESPN. Sure, maybe they didn’t think of the whole fake suicide move, but you can’t blame them, you’ve just got to respect TO’s people for their forward thinking. Nothing says “love me” like twenty pills and a pumped stomach. But, how can this guy be loved and respected when his past begs that you hate him? I don’t have an answer, so I’ll just continue bitching about this.

What’s the difference between Randy Moss and TO? Terrell Owens is a mix between Chad Johnson and Randy Moss, he possesses both their virtues and their vices. Owens gets killed in the media for “showing up his team;” from his endzone dances in Philadelphia to his Tour de France outfit in his Cowboys’ preseason debut … he doesn’t care about his team, only himself. That’s unlike Chad Johnson whose antics Chris Berman and Terry Bradshaw can’t wait to talk about. He just loves having a great time.

Terrell Owens is a team cancer, he can’t keep his mouth shut about McNabb’s Super Bowl performance or Jeff Garcia’s sexuality. Well, you know what TO was doing in the Super Bowl while McNabb was throwing up? He was catching 9 passes for 122 yards on a broken ankle. Do you know what he did afterwards? He had heterosexual relations.

Randy Moss doesn’t bitch in the media about his teammates, he just quits on them … it’s easier. One week in 1998 against the Redskins, Moss walked off the field as his team was still playing, times were hard and he quit. The week later he mooned Green Bay fans after a touchdown, not to get all Joe Buck on you, but you can learn a lot about Moss from those two weeks. One week he’s too embarrassed of his team to stay on the field, the next week, when things are going well, Moss wants all the attention on him. He was so upset about being in Minnesota that he insisted on being traded, so he went to the Raiders. His first year there went pretty well, over 1000 yards receiving, despite being injured. However, last year, the Raiders were the worst team in the league, and Moss had his worst season ever. He missed five games, his most ever, and when he was on the field he was a mediocre receiver, only having one game over 1000 yards. People thought he was over-the-hill, which would be fine, everyone gets worse with age, but clearly that wasn’t the case. His teammates were accusing him of not trying, but Moss explained the situation:

Maybe because I'm unhappy and I'm not too much excited about what's going on, so, my concentration and focus level tend to go down sometimes when I'm in a bad mood.

I’m a little confused, what do you actually mean Randy? “I play when I want to play.” Thanks for clearing that up.

Moss has miraculously returned to being one of the best receivers in the league. Didn’t Vince Carter quit trying for the Raptors when he wanted to be traded, becoming the most hated person in Canada and the target of criticism from everyone? Why doesn’t Moss get that? You can’t argue the fact that, no matter what, TO is ready to come Sundays (and some Mondays and Thursdays).

Why has TO been cast off as the worst teammate/person in the league when he hasn’t ever had trouble with the law? Ray Lewis fucking killed a guy, but he’s the best teammate ever; apparently he makes people better when he isn’t killing them. Pacman Jones is a hopeless gangster, who bites strippers and doesn’t stop his friends from shooting people; he’s the (second) worst person ever. He’s wrestling? How disrespectful can he get? Who does think he is trying to support his family show up the league. Moss has also had some dealings with police, he’s been arrested for possession of marijuana and, more interestingly, for trying to run over a traffic officer when he was being pulled over. “Hey, that’s just Randy being Randy.”

So, in summary, Moss is a “clubhouse cancer,” quits on his teammates, and has been in trouble with the law. Yet, though he can only be accused of one of those things, TO is universally hated while Randy Moss is being praised for his comeback. I think it’s because Owens has been discontent on all of his teams, good or bad, so it’s more obvious. When Owens is being a distraction on a Super Bowl team, it’s an atrocity, but Moss being a problem or not trying didn’t matter because it was on the worst team in the league and now he’s back. I understand why that would make Owens’ look bad, but it doesn’t explain why Moss is getting praised and is generally beloved in the country. I just don’t understand it; this whole thing would make a lot more sense if Randy was white.

(please no “straight cash homey” references in the comments … thanks)