Saturday, October 20, 2007

My New Haircut

I just want to make sure that everyone has seen this video. I mean according to Youtube nearly three million people have, but I figured maybe I could touch one more life by introducing this to you. I don't really like italians, at all. I guess these types of people are called guidos in New York. Wop, Dago, guinea, meatball, I-ties, whatever they are all the same to me. They all love to flaunt the fact that their ancestors that they never knew were from Italy. Another common characteristic is the 5'6" italian with short man syndrome. Common side effects include roid rage, constant need to start shit, dillusion that they are a hardass, and a rash that forms the boot of italy with the country's flag waving through it (aka a tattoo). Usually this rash is seen on the back shoulder or "bicep" but the worst I've ever seen is on the calf. The best ailment for this disease is the constant consumption of pasta and meatballs for the anger and a bath in marinara sauce to get rid of the rash. Scientists are currently looking for a treatment that involves the high percentage of random Yankees fans linked to italian heritage, but are yet to find any results. Oh yea, here's the video.

Friday, October 19, 2007

God Tried

The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.

Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.

So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.

Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

This week's edition will not be a preview, rather, a list of our picks. If you don't like it, then you can suck my balls ... it was my birthday last night, I'm out of it. Let's bully:


UVA +4 v Maryland
Washington +13 v Oregon
Miami FL +5 v FSU
Redskins/Cardinals Over 36
Bears +5.5 v Eagles

Miami OH -5.5 @ Temple
USC/ND Over 45
Ohio/Toldeo Under 63.5
Minnesota +9.5 @ Dallas
San Fran +9.5 @ NYG


Kentucky +6.5 v Florida
Notre Dame +17 v USC
Michigan -1 @ Illinois
Detroit -1 v Tampa Bay
Jacksonville +3 v Indianapolis

Big Lots

Nebraska/TAMU Under 60
Cal/UCLA Under 55
Auburn/LSU Over 42.5
Oakland -1
Dallas -9.5

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rutgers is Gay

I wonder why Rutgers fans thought it would be necessary to rush the field. They just beat the most overrated team in college football history. I guess that's just Big East football at its finest. They need to get excited about one terrible team beating another terrible team. Remember that time Cincinnati was ranked? That was a good joke. Actually the rankings are just a joke. I wish the voters had testicles so they could put the best teams in the top ten instead of thinking "Oh well they haven't lost yet even though they play Turd U. every week."

If TOSU ever played a team ranked above 56 they might lose, but they have the 78th hardest schedule so I don't foresee this happening. This means I get to endure yet another year of "Like, OMG that one ohio team is playing in an important game, do you wanna like... act like we like them so guys think we are cool? I mean we are supposed to like them right? We are from Ohio it's only like what we are supposed to like.... do right? Let's buy matching jerseys! That would be so cute! And we can like wear them around and pretend we are fans and do that cool OH-IO chant. We can totally fit in. This is going to be the best night of my life." Andddd you don't even know what a first down is, god I hate ohio. As long as LSU plays Oklahoma in a bowl game then that will be fine and I will declare the winner of that the true champion.

Kansas is "undefeated" as well. I can name negative three players on the Jayhawks roster, but if I had to guess one I'd say Nick Collison.

Top 10
1) LSU
2) Oklahoma
4) Kentucky
5) BC
6) Oregon
7) Socar
8) Florida
9) USC
10) Notre Dame
107-114) Big East

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Coach Joe Smooth

The following article was written by special guest writer Sockless Dilemma. While I thoroughly enjoyed it I take absolutely no responsibility for it.

Eric Schnupp, Baylor’s offensive line coach was issued a citation at 2:20am at Scruffy Murphy’s Pub (I swear that’s the actual name) for apparently whipping his junk out and urinating on the bar. Evidently workers at the establishment saw Coach Schnupp standing in a mysterious puddle of urine with no one else around. The citation was a class C misdemeanor plus a $258 fine….. But instant drunken gratification….priceless.

I can just imagine what Coach Schnupp was thinking as the night went on…

10pm: Man I’m kinda horny tonight…Maybe I should stroll down to Scruffy Murphs and try to pull some ass…These SportsCenter reruns are getting fucking old…Hmmmmm but I’m all by myself & I have nobody to go out with…Fuck it, I use to pull so much ass back when I was banging at Miami it ain’t gonna matter who I’m with…God, my dick’s getting hard just thinking about it. Alright I’ll go scope out the talent level at Scruffs for just an hour.

10:30pm: Holy shit I look so hot tonight. Man look at all the pussy up in this mother fucker….I bet everyone recognizes me…I’m the offensive line coach at Baylor! Those chicks sitting at the table look so hot...I’m gonna have to work up a solid buzz before I approach those hotties. Bartender get me a tall boy & a couple shots of Jack. I’m so getting laid tonight!

11:30pm: Oh baby you’re soo sexy. I can’t believe I’m talking to this 21 yr old fitness major. I dare you to come back to my house with me tonight. I’m gonna tear it up!! I bet this girl is a freak…I need to order like 4 more Jager bombs…

12:30am: How did I get in this predicament? I went from talking to this fine ass personal trainer to be & now I’m making out with this fat chick in the corner of the bar. Wait maybe she isn’t so bad…N/m. I must be fucking drunk to even question if this chick is fat. Oh well nobody has to know. My boyz from Miami would be clowning me so hard if they could see me now J I’ll do her a favor just this one time..

1:53am: I’m at the end of the bar all by myself. I think people are leaving for some reason. The room is spinning. People are sweeping the floors…What’s going on around here? I thought this was a bar for Christ sake. Uh oh I have to take a fatty piss. Mmmkay nobodies looking…..nobodies looking…Oh my god it’s stinging soo bad. That’s it…Little Eric’s coming out to relieve some tension! Ooohh god that feels so good. Jesus I’m peeing on myself right now & I don’t even care. This feels like that one time I was at this frat in Miami my freshman year. That was so tight. Wow I’m still going……..Fuck there’s a cop looking right at me. He’s coming toward me. Oh lord what do I do? I have urine all over me.. I’m standing in a puddle of my own piss…..Utter denial is the only approach to take. I used to play ball at Miami man……

I know the saying about making assumptions, but I like my version.

ND Ranked in Top-20 of Computer Poll

I’ve been in a blog coma lately, nothing excited me enough to make a post, until now. What could possibly be so earth shattering to motivate me out of my pleasant state of sloth? The BCS, obviously.

There is almost too much to complain about with the present system in the NCAA. How can the human polls unanimously rank Ohio State first while the computer polls rank Ohio State fifth? With such a huge disparity, how can they be equally respected? I’ve always sided with the computers, defending the PCs from naysayers that argued, “computers don’t have a brain … they can’t make rational decisions,” well, neither can Terry Bradshaw and he’s a part of the Harris Poll.

My love affair with the computer polls ended this week; however, when Jeff Sagarin made me look like a fool by ranking ND #18 in his latest poll. Sagarin’s rankings are 1/6 of the composite computer rankings which account for 1/3 of a team’s BCS rating. Here are Sagarin’s most recent rankings:

1) South Florida
3) South Carolina
4) Kentucky
5) Boston College
6) Kansas
7) Ohio State
8) West Virginia
9) Arizona State
10) Virginia Tech
11) Auburn
12) Oklahoma
13) Tennessee
14) California
15) Missouri
16) Virginia
17) Georgia
18) North Dakota State
19) Oregon
20) Florida

Sorry Oregon, Florida, USC, Hawaii, Texas, and, uh, Notre Dame … you are no match for the North Dakota State Bison.

Despite the insanity of this ranking, I think Sagarin might get too much blame for this atrocity. Since the BCS has taken out the “margin of victory” component from its equation, the rankings Sagarin submits have become a disaster while his actual rankings are pretty normal (which includes margin of victory). Which begs the question, should the BCS keep Sagarins rankings in their formula? Or, is encouraging a team to run up the score worse than having North Dakota State ranked in a top-25? The answer to both questions is, obviously, no. The answer to this overall BCS problem is, obviously, a playoff.

Sagarin Rankings

BCS Rankings