Saturday, January 26, 2008

Vote KJ in '08!

Sacramento mayor Heather Fargo might face some tough competition in the city’s upcoming mayoral race from none other than former NBA point guard Kevin Johnson. Johnson, best known for this dunk over Hakeem Olajuwon in the 1994 NBA Playoffs, is consdisering a run at office and will make his decision known to the public soon.

Fargo’s bid for a third term wasn’t expected to face any real competition, so this news has to have her saying, “FUCK!”. I’m pretty sure mayors do absolutely nothing, so it’s gotta suck when someone tries to take the ultimate “sit around all day and act busy” job away.

Not sure if a couple big dunks over NBA centers are enough to get one elected, but really, in this day and age, anything is possible. Jesse “The Body” Ventura was governor of Minnesota for four years, and Arnold Schwarzenegger currently runs the biggest state in the country, so Johnson has to like his chances. I mean he, unlike “the Body” and the Terminator , at least knows how to add and subtract.

David Townsend, a pollster from Sacramento, says Johnson would be the favorite if he decides to enter the race. Johnson’s name recognition and endorsements from local celebs and business people would mean national exposure and money; two things that are hard to beat. So, it seems like it would make sense for Kevin, and really, what else does he have to do anyway?

Like anyone who’s vying for a political seat, Johnson has already faced criticism from detractors in the Sacramento and LA areas. Here's a couple:

”The local teachers union has railed against Johnson since his nonprofit, St. HOPE Corp., took over Sacramento High School in 2002 and turned it into a charter school. Some parents were enraged by the change and sued Sacramento City Unified for approving it.

Meanwhile, some Oak Park residents are demanding Johnson follow through with renovation plans for several decaying properties he owns in that community. Half his properties there have been cited for code violations in the past decade.”
So KJ’s a slum lord who’s trying to undermine our public education system, huh? Sounds like he’d be perfect for political office.

Matt Arrowhead

Friday, January 25, 2008

Pipe Down Priests

“Pipe down already. Put your instruments away and stop fucking screaming. God damn it, if these hooligans don’t shut up I’m going to go down there and wring some necks.”

Usually, this line is mumbled by an angry parent at 11:00 pm after a son’s basement band practice just passed the three hour mark and shows no signs of stopping. Now, it’s being mumbled by residents living above the Vatican soccer fields in Rome.

Last year the Vatican kicked off the Clericus Cup which is a soccer tournament for priests and seminarians living in Vatican City. Dozens of teams are involved in the priestly tournament; all going after the elusive Cup and the peer mocking it ensures.

The priests are spirited and so are their supporters. In fact, the teams “are cheered on by fellow men of the cloth with drums, rattles and even trumpets.” Wow, I didn’t know priests knew how to party, play instruments, or kick a soccer ball for that matter, so this comes a as a big surprise to me.

Complaints started coming in a few weeks ago from angry Vatican residents who said the players and their raucous fans needed to pipe down. Being thoughtful, The Vatican informed the priests they needed to hush up. I can’t think of anything funnier than the Pope scolding all of his rambunctious priests for their irreverent behavior. These angry residents should be careful though; last week a record three red cards were given during competition.

Pope Benedict is supposed to attend one of the matches before the tournament ends. Hopefully, he’ll throw on some shin guards and step into goal for a half. On second thought maybe not, I think he’s made out of cloth and stuffed with cotton.

I wonder if the teams were able to pick their own names for the tournament. You know, like those clever and usually perverted team names people stew up during collegiate intramurals? A couple funny ones popped into my head instantly, but really “Pullin the Pope” or the more subtle “We pull for Onan” take the cake easily.

And you thought priests weren’t hip? Shame on you.

Matt Arrowhead

Thursday, January 24, 2008

No Way Jose

(Picture Courtesy of Viewimages)

I’ve been on this computer so long that “Little Miss Wrong” by the Spin Doctors has made it onto my play list and it just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to use a can opener, so I should probably be getting to bed soon….but I promised 30 articles in 30 days, and as a man of my word, by golly I’m going to do it. I apologize in advance for this article about the shit stain that is Jose Conseco, but really this is nothing else to talk about.

Conseco is in the news again after attempting to extort Detroit Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez. Supposedly, Jose is writing a follow-up to his first book “Juiced” that is going to be hitting book stores by the start of the MLB season. The book, just like the first, will “name names”, accomplish nothing, make this idiot a bunch of money, and prove that God doesn’t love me as much as He should.

Reports suggest that Jose has attempted to contact Ordonez numerous times to discuss a deal. The two played together during a small part of the ’01 season as teammates with the White Sox, and Jose says he has some dirt on Ordonez.

In exchange for keeping Ordonez out of the book, Jose wants Magglio to invest in a movie project he has in the works. Allegedly, the project is a documentary that Jose himself is producing. Oh, and if you didn’t already guess, its’ about steroids. Jose needs to raise money for the project. Certainly, he doesn’t have any of his own or any friends who would be willing to help him out, so he’s resorted to extortion. Alas, Jose has really messed this one up for himself. What more could the book reveal about Ordonez? We now know Jose is accusing Magglio of using steroids, and that’s all the book could really say anyway, so why would Ordonez give him money to keep his name out of the book?

You’d think Jose might have a little money from his first book stashed away in a piggy bank somewhere, but my buddy out here in LA has seen Jose playing at a low limit poker game at the Bicycle Casino. Moreover, a quick internet search suggests that Jose might have entered into a “Women’s Only” poker tournament at the Commerce Casino a few months ago, so I guess he’s not exactly living the high life. All the steroids, strippers, cocaine, and sucking at gambling will take a toll on the old savings account. Bad, bad Jose.

Ordonez said he hasn’t done anything wrong and his turned the matter over to the folks at MLB and the Feds. I believe him. He doesn't like like a 'roids candidate. He's just a portly fellow. So, when everything is said and done, Jose will just be one step closer to his ultimate goal of having every single person in this universe hate him more than someone who leaves a floater in the toilet after takin’a’two.

A world without Jose Conseco would be splendid; too bad we can’t flush him down the toilet.

Matthew Arrowfield

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Biglots Talks a Big Game

Travis Diener is a pretty good shooter. I can't find a link or video anywhere but I'm told that a reporter once asked then Magic guard Diener about the rumor that he drained 86 of 100 threes in a pre-draft workout. Diener replied, "Eighty-nine."

You might be wondering what this has to do with the contributor "Biglots" who wrote an article for this site one time. Well, he was involved in a conversation with my friend Alex and me about this Diener feat, when he declared that, "Its not that impressive. I could probably do that."

Now before we start ripping on Biglots, let's give him some credit. He's an athletic kid. He was All-State in High soccer! He didn't play basketball in high school and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know where the gym is located at school. Its been four years since he's performed in any serious athletic competition. Since then he's pretty much been on a round trip path from his bed to his computer to Wendy's and back to his bed.

And these are NBA range three's we're talking here. So we discussed the possibilities. Alex said he guaranteed Biglots couldn't hit 30 out of 100--from the college stripe. Biglots said he definitely could beat that.

If you know Biglots, what do you think? If not how many could you hit? Keep in mind after 100 shots in a row and your arms are probably going to get a little bit tired.

Biglots and Alex are going to the gym to wage the bet tonight. Biglots will either have his moment of triumph in front of the millions of people who read this site or be publicly humiliated--I'll keep you posted.

Writing To You From Hell.

I feel like the only reason I come here to write is to talk about death. I don't want to be a mortician, nor do I get off thinking about death and emo kids, but I just have a sick sense of humor. I find serious issues to be funny. Maybe I just like making jokes out of subjects people take seriously. I say this to myself daily... Seriousness sucks, serious people suck, lighten up. That's why it doesn't hurt to offend people. It doesn't hurt like getting fucked in the ass by Jake Gayllenhaal.

Ever since seeing Batman Begins I have been waiting impatiently for The Dark Knight. Katie Holmes bailed which means there's a new actress playing a sequel and I hate that. Now Heath Ledger had to be all selfish and kill himself. If there are 10 things I hate about You him popping pills then 9 of them are awaiting news on what they are going to do about the Dark Knight. The tenth is the fact that he was a pretty good actor and I was really excited for his role of Joker. The film is in post-production according to IMDB (which has actually replaced the Bible as the holiest text in religion land) so I would imagine they will go ahead and release the film. If they decide to postpone the film for a little while I think they will have a tougher time "filling his hole" in the cast. Ledger's career was looking Brother’s Grimm until this point, but I really think his role here would have brought him out of the closet.

In remembrance of Heath, the detectives were instructed to be very anal while investigating the scene. In future appearances Heath was scheduled to appear on WWE Raw (does that still exist?). He was only going to be in one fight but it was ironically a tag team match and his name was dubbed "The Pharmacy." I am being instructed that I have to leave now to go to Hell. Good day.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Mr. Bacon Back made a big whoopsy daisy

So, I’ve read a lot about this controversy regarding Rick Majerus (not the him getting naked one) and his appearance at a rally for Hillary Clinton. During the rally, Majerus mentioned that he was pro-choice and pro-stem cell research. Unfortunately for Rick, he forgot that he was the head basketball coach at St. Louis University, which is a Catholic institution. He also forgot that Raymond Burke, the Archbishop of St. Louis, damns people who hold these beliefs to Hell. A big slip up if I do say so myself, but I do feel sorry for Majerus. Let’s be honest, he has to have a big mouth. How could he eat whole, uncooked pigs without one?Come on now, the man needs to eat!

I understand why Archbishop Burke is upset. The Church vehemently opposes abortion and the destruction of embryonic stem cells. However, vast moral, ethical, and philosophical issues surround the two issues, and as a representative of the Catholic Church it’s important that any comments/statements made about the issues are dexterously handled. Yes, the Church should defend their pro-life and stem-cell research positions vehemently, but might want to reconsider releasing statements like this one from Burke about the Majerus situation:

It’s not possible to be a Catholic and hold those positions.

I just don’t understand how Burke thinks he’s adding anything meaningful to the situation or anything valuable to the “Catholic cause” by saying something like that. I guess his statement shouldn’t be too much of a surprise though as his diocese refuses to give communion to Democratic politicians. Talk about a power-trip, this guy is like the Communion Nazi. “No Jesus for you today.”

Burke should be able to take some comfort in the video below. Though Majerus might be a threat to the nation's meat and dairy supply, this is definitive proof that he is not gay. (even though his comments at the end comparing Rudy Gay to an Italian sports car might suggest otherwise). Oh, and watch Lavin’s face. Priceless.

Matt Arrowhead

Tiki Torched (Clever, huh?)

I’ll preface the rest of this post by saying I don’t really have too many problems with Tiki Barber. His name is ridiculous and sometimes I think he might like dudes, but I can say that about a lot of people. Yeah, he’s a little bit of a pompous-poop on NBC’s bullshit “Sunday Night is Football Night” pre-game circus, but really, the network and its viewers don’t seem to mind it, so no big deal.

Somehow (at least in my book), he’s been able to avoid “full d-bag status”, even though he’s been guilty of dipping his foot in the murky, douche filled waters a few times this year. Like anyone, he wants to see if it’s worth jumping in. So far, he’s decided against it.

Now, he’ll have to do everything in his power to avoid being pushed into the douchewater’s deep end after the New York Giants advanced to the Super Bowl. Lets’ rewind to January of last year, when Tiki was criticizing Tom Coughlin before he even retired. He thought Coughlin’s hard-nose style of coaching was outdated. He didn’t think Coughlin would be able to lead the Giants to a Super Bowl in this “new age” of professional sports where athletes do and say whatever the hell they want. So, he decided to announce his retirement during the middle of the season, saying his “love for the game” was gone. Here’s what he said about his former coach:

"The grind took its toll on me and really forced me to start thinking about what I wanted to do next. And that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing, for me at least. Maybe not for the Giants, because they lose one of their great players, but for me, it is.”

Then just months after he retires, he starts criticizing Eli Manning for not being able to manage and led a team of “men”. In August, Tiki said this on national TV about Eli’s supposed inability to communicate with the Giants offense during a Week 12 meeting:

"His personality hasn't been so that he can step up, make a strong statement and have people believe that it's coming from his heart. He didn't feel like his voice was going to be strong enough and it showed. Sometimes it was almost comical the way that he would say things."

In fact, Tiki seemed to me hoping the Giants would fall flat on their asses after he left. He would say that he wanted the best for his former organization and teammates on NBC, but I always got this feeling that he was full of shit. Well, it’s ’08 and Tom Coughlin just coached his team to a Super Bowl berth. Eli hasn’t turned the ball over in 3 road playoff games, and people are beginning to think he might have turned the page from sucky to competent. Brandon Jacobs, Barber’s replacement, has been very good down lately, and the Giants seem more focused then ever.

Perhaps Tiki was the problem last year, perhaps he wasn’t; who really knows? However, I do know that people are going to want Tiki to admit that he was wrong about his characterizations of Coughlin and Manning. When faced with these questions, he can either be a man and admit he was wrong, or act like a little baby and defend what he said a few months ago. My hope is that he chooses the former. The Douche Bag Pool has already reached maximum capacity, and there’s no life guard on duty to save more people from drowning in its unforgiving waters.

Matt Arrowhead

Monday, January 21, 2008

Giants Fans= :-) Packers Fans= :-(

Oh, and I just couldn’t resist finding some reactions from the Packers and Giants fans after the championship game. Really, when looking for entertaining reactions from fans, one can’t go wrong with these two teams.

Simple, sophisticated and classy.

Reaction to Packers’ loss or rubber bullet to the stomach????

10 yr old girl Doesn’t like New York because, well, I guess you're not supposed to???

Cry Baby (rather annoying)

Dejected to ecstatic just like that…

Giants Fan does post game "show". I think there are some tears under those shades, dag gamut!

And You Thought Your Mom was Not Very Nice

I tend to hate people who blame all life’s problems on their parents and personal vices like food and drugs. I might have to reconsider all of that after watching the video below.

This poor chubby butt goes through one minute of personal hell while her mother sits next to her howling with laughter. I just hope she got treated to an elephant ear after coping with the immense emotional trauma.

Bad, bad mommy.

Matt Arrowhead

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Weekend News

When we're talking about money there are a number of examples of exceptionally large figures. Bill Gates is worth $56 billion. The United States' national debt is something like $9 trillion. US gross domestic product is $13 trillion. And then there is the jackass from Lousiana that sued the United States government for $3 quadrillion dollars, citing damages from Hurricane Katrina and governmental failures.

The first thing I had to do when I read that was go to and make sure that was a real number. But seriously, I understand Hurricane Katrina was a horrible event and the feds really shit the bed big time, but asking for an amount of money that excessively exceeds the combined output of the world's economic superpowers? I think Uncle Sam should just give the guy $20 and a swift kick in the nuts and call it even.

In other news, le Cheff showed me this story which made me laugh, meaning either its funny or I'm pretty sick. Some lady's pug ran away during the holidays and her attempts to find "Scooter" were in vain. After several days the family assumed the dog was gone for good, until they received a letter in the mail from an anonymous woman. The woman said she found the dog and instead of returning it to the address on the tag, she kept it and gave it to her daughter as a Christmas gift. She assured the family that although the pup had a new name, it was well fed and living a good life. To compensate them for their loss she enclosed a $20 bill. Oh yeah, she's an unemployed alcoholic too. I guess the letter is a nice thought so the family knows their little puppy isn't splattered on the pavement somewhere, but twenty dollars for a pug? She may as well have taken a picture of herself flipping the bird and put that in the envelope.

In the sports world, a new report shows that a representitive of Roger Clemens met with Brian McNamee in 2004 to...blah, blah, blah. When are people going to stop giving a shit about this douchebag. He cheated, he got caught, and now he's lying because he's a big pussy.

I think the heat is broke in my house because I can see my breath in the living room and my fingers are too cold to type any more. Peace.

Letter from Tulsa explains why woman stole dog on Christmas Eve

Katrina victim sues U.S. for $3 quadrillion

Sunday Prayer

Watching the early game today (and maybe the late one) might not be an option for me. I’ve been up all night and need some fucking sleep. I’ve been under the weather for over 2 weeks now. I get this odd feeling that people think I’m “sick” when they see me. Not the cool “sick”, but the literal one. You know, the “don’t go anywhere near that person because it looks like he has HIV” kind. So, before I go to bed, I just want everyone to do me one little favor: say a pray (or two) that either the Giants or Charges pull off an upset. I don’t need to watch a two week Favre/Brady d-sucking marathon where everyone in the mainstream media proves its actually possible to suck the two of them off without touching their dongs.

The two weeks in between the championship games and the Super Bowl are always soo excruciating. If the Packers and Patriots are playing, excruciating turns into catastrophic. Really, nothing is worse than hearing the CBS/ESPN/FOX/NFL Network dip shits talk about the dip shits who will be playing in the game. If I hear one more person call Favre a “gunslinger” or refer to the Patriot’s early season cheating as “Spy Gate”, I’m going to lose my mind. I don’t want to lose my mind, so I need you all to pray to whoever it is you pray to. See, usually I’d just turn off the TV, get a newspaper and/or surf the web, and move on. However, this strategy doesn’t work when the Super Bowl rolls around. Everyone becomes kind of dip shitty with their reporting; even those sources you didn’t think would.

I’m going to pray to Jesus today, but really, feel free to choose your own god. Just make sure you ask for a Giants and/or Charges win. I’m putting all of my hopes and dreams for a “Favre/Brady Free” two weeks on the shoulders of you people, Eli Manning, and Philip Rivers. I don’t like my chances.

Here’s why:

  1. I’m pretty sure Eli has Down syndrome (at least a little bit of it).
  2. Phillip Rivers is better at making an ass out of himself than throwing a football.
  3. We all know nobody’s actually going to pray.

So, I’ll most likely have to deal with it, but just know, you let me down by not praying. I’ll be bed side in t-minus 5 minutes with rosary in hand saying; “Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.” Ha, and people didn’t think I still knew the “Our Father”.

The last part was (at least mildly) sacrilegious. I apologize to any and all holy rollers who read this blog.

Matt Arrowhead