Saturday, February 2, 2008


Disclaimer:Though the picture might suggest otherwise, I was really pissed about the story I read.

“You shouldn’t do anything unless you’re willing to put forth 100% effort.”

I’ve heard that line hundreds of times throughout my life. Well, you know what, I think that line is complete bullshit. I’ve done a bunch of shit at less than 100%, and usually it’s pretty decent. I just hope that sentiment of mine will apply to this article I’m about to write because, honestly, I’d be lying if I said even 1% effort was given to its creation.

So you have one of two options:

  1. Stop reading this article right now.
  2. Continue reading this article and realize that you are probably a bigger loser than me; considering you know how stupid this thing is going to be and still continue to read.

Haha, so you choose option #2, I see. You are a bigger loser than me. Anyway, I read a little article today about two suicide bombings at Pet Markets in Iraq. Anytime I read about one of these, I get frustrated because I realize how ridiculous this world is. However, frustration is usually where it ends. I don’t attach any emotion to the events. Frankly, doing so would be entirely too taxing on myself, and because I’m selfish, I don’t want to have to deal with it.

However, the bombing today was extra sickening because the suicide bombers used were actually mentally handicapped women, who probably had no idea what they were doing.
The two women went into a crowded area of Baghdad, with bombs strapped to their bodies (unbeknownst to them), and killed 91 Iraqis. Some asshole had a detonator and activated it once the mentally retarded women entered the targeted pet markets. I guess this type of thing shouldn’t surprise me, but I was under the assumption that most of the people who perpetrated these heinous acts were “religious zealots who were willing to die for their ultimate cause”. Though the idea that people were actually willing to kill themselves for their cause frightened me, it wasn’t nearly as defeating as this story.

Now, we have big time vaginas committing terrorist acts, who aren’t even willing to die for their own cause. In fact, they are such cowards that they have to strap bombs to innocent, mentally challenged people and have those people carry out their dirty work. Really, what’s next?

I’d even have trouble faking mental retardation to get to the front of a line. Sadly however, it seems like a good idea. Really, check out this scene from Curb.

Hey, it’s pretty ridiculous, but sometimes you gotta laugh (as cliche as it may sound). If not, the absurdity of some folks would absolutely eat away at you.

Matt Arrowhead

Friday, February 1, 2008

Blind Luck

Leo Fiyalko, a 92 year old man from Clearwater, Florida, hit his very first hole-in-one yesterday at Cove Cay Country Club. Miraculously, he aced the 110 yd Par 3 hole with a 5 iron.

Leo’s not only “creepy old, he’s legally blind as well. Honestly, I’m really happy for him, but my biggest accomplishment over the last 24 hours was successfully eating cereal with a fork, so I’m also a little jealous and depressed. We at Log’s Blog think that Leo might be full of sh*t. In fact, this is what we foresee happening if Leo ever has to testify about this hole-in-one of his. (Law and Order Style)

Sockless’ Cross Examination:

Sockless: "So, you’re feeling pretty full of yourself, aren’t you Mr. Leo Fiyalko.”

Leo: "Why, yes I am! But, I’m a little sad. I’ve been playing golf for the last 60 years. I finally hit my first hole-in-one, and I wasn't even able to see it.”

Sockless: “Well thank you very much for stating the obvious Mr. Fiyalko. You didn’t see it go in…HA…You probably couldn’t even see a shade of green that late January day. My only question is this: How do you know your shot actually went in? You could have put the ball 200 yards in the woods and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Isn’t that right? Did you hear the ball hit the bottom of the cup? You must have one king kong-like hearing aid if that’s what happened. My bet is that you’ve been trying to hit a hole-in-one for the last sixty plus years, due to time constrictions and desperation, you completely made the whole shot up to make one last headline before you kicked the bucket. Isn’t that right Mr. Fiyalko? You’re a weak, helpless old man. I would think that you can’t even take a piss without someone pointing your wrinkly old cock’n’balls in the right direction. Did you even go golfing that fateful day? How much are you paying people to testify that you did indeed hit a hole-in-one?

Judge Ito: "Sockless, you’re badgering the witness!"

Sockless: “Sorry your honor… Lastly I would like to know who in their right mind goes golfing with a blind guy? They can’t drive the cart, they never know what club there picking out of their bag, they can never find their ball, and you always have to be watching them in case they fall in a pond or some shit. It’s called “Golf”, not “Walk around all day pissed off because some old, blind jackass is slowing down your round.”

Leo: “I have witnesses. They helped me pull my five iron out of the bag and watched as the ball went in the hole. Blind luck I guess.”

Sockless: Blind luck, huh? So, I see you’re smug and condescending as well. Give me a break. You might have well said you hit a 110 yard hole-in-one with your putter. That plaque hanging on that Florida country club wall to commemorate your historic achievement is a lie! Something stinks here. I want the truth! And yes Mr. Fiyalko……I can handle the truth. Nothing further.”

Sockless Dilemma

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Judah Tops Mayweather

Two years ago, when Zab Judah and Floyd Mayweather fought, it got ugly. There were low blows and riots in the ring, but in the end Pretty Boy escaped with his undefeated record in tact, scoring a unanimous decision.

But this time around it was Judah scoring the decisive victory--proving that although Mayweather may be the better fighter, Zab really knows how to make it rain. While partying at Prive nightclub in Planet Hollywood, Mayweather bought three magnums of Perrier Jouet Rose which apparently run at two grand apiece. He also threw $5000 into the crowd for his own personal enjoyment. Pretty impressive, Pretty Boy.

But Judah was not about to be bested by Mayweather for the second time in a row. He topped him by purchasing 50 bottles of Dom, at a thousand a pop, for a grand total of $50,000 (aren't you glad you have me to do the math for you?). Sweet Jesus, we have a new world champion. Ladies and gentleman, Zab Judah.

Puppy Bowl: Part Quatre

Le Cheff wanted a Puppy Bowl IV write-up with expert analysis and picks, but I didn’t think that was acceptable until our readers understood exactly what the Puppy Bowl is, and why it will one day pass the Super Bowl in ratings, fan fare, and excitement.

You see, Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl combines all of those things we typically equate with good in life. It’s got the puppies, which are obviously very cute (even if sometimes too rambunctious for me), as well as jazz music, bountiful amounts of water, toys, the Kitten Bowl halftime show, tailgate exclusives, poop/pee, and of course the water cam bowl - all in HD for the first time ever!

Get out. The Puppy Bowl was cool enough when it was on regular cable, but this added bonus of HD just puts PB IV on another level. Plus, renowned NFL Films announcer Harry Kalas will handle the play-by-play for the mega event; breaking down the pups, in all their puptasticness, from the moment they enter the sold out arena. Ya, I know, I'm excited too.

It seems like the Puppy Bowl producers have set a 3 month age limit for the pups, so that means many of the past fan favorites like Barry the Poodle (PB II), the siblings Bomber, Buster, and Buffy (PB III), and Quesadilla (PB III) will not be returning. However, we’ll never forget their never say die attitudes and courage in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

From the looks of it, the new cast of characters will provide some of the same great theatrics that the old celebrity-pups have made us come to expect.

Some Puppy Bowl IV players include:

Who names their dog Janet? It’s an animal, not a 45 year old elementary school teacher.

I’ll make one prediction now; I think Kodiak is the next star to come out of the Puppy Bowl. Attucker, Jack the Lab, Raven, Jackson, and Scuba all seem to be formidable as well. I might come back with an injury report and some odds tomorrow, but for now, enjoy the clip. (Watch it. It’s only 1:30min long and it’s a joke):

Finally, it’s that time of the year. After months of waiting and anticipation, the big game is upon us. Media day is over, and the athletes are left to focus on the task at hand. They take the field on Sunday at 3:00pm, and the Bowl runs for three hours. I can’t wait.

Matthew D. Arrowhead

Puppy Bowl

Clipper Darrell Soon to be Maverick Darrell?

Mark Cuban just had a meeting with that guy. Ya, the one in the above picture. Cuban wants him to work for the Mavericks.

That guy is Darrell Bailey, known to many NBA fans, owners, and players as “Clipper Darrell”. He has been a loyal LAC fan for the last 25 or so odd years. Hmm, well maybe not. I’m not actually sure how long he’s been a fan of the team. Quite honestly, I just made that number up. I’m just surprised they found one.

To most Clipper fans-who haven’t went “barrel to the mouth”- he is that annoying guy who won’t shut the fuck up when other people are trying to enjoy themselves and concentrate on the game. He does the same bullshit all annoying fans do, you know, like starting obnoxious chants and embarrassing himself during “live halftime performances”. Basically, he just makes a giant ass out of himself every time he shows up at a game. He’s been to over 280 consecutive Clipper’s home games, and I’d venture to guess he’s wore that absurd Red/Blue suit getup to every one.

Chances it’s been washed more than 3 times = very minimal.

Chances the song he uses during his halftime performances is “My Hump” by the Black Eyed Peas = very likely .

Chances his car looks like a clown mobile = well you decide:

Anyway, for some reason Mavericks owner Cuban was impressed with Darrell when he heard him yelling and yearning for attention at a Clipper’s game. Reportedly, Cuban quickly acted and offered Darrell a job to sell out and cheer for Dallas. There is no word yet as to whether or not Darrell is going to become a full time Mavericks fan. It’s bad enough athletes can go from team to team but now franchises are competing over obnoxious fans too. What a kick in the dick?

If a billionaire offered me a hundred grand to go cheer for the Mavs and watch basketball, I would definitely go do it. The Clippers, on the other hand, would have to offer me a couple million, and more importantly, Sam Cassell would have to contractually agree to allow me sit on his lap during all time-outs. Cassell would also have to give me Eskimo kisses on demand and would be forbidden to smile throughout the season; excluding teammate’s birthdays of course. Everyone deserves to smile on a birthday.

People have been expressing their opinions via Darrell’s myspace page:

“Make dat money”

“You can be a Clipper fan at heart and a Mav fan for the $....make dat money”

“If you leave you will be public enemy #1”

A celebrity was even asked what they thought about the Clip D situation:

“I’m Jack Nicholson, who the fuck is He. I want the truth!! Make dat money”~Jack

Written By Sockless Dilemma

Clipper Darrell's Myspace Page

Clipper Darrell's Web Site

Dallas Mavericks News

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Shocking, Breaking News!!

Oh my god, I can't believe what I just read! But really, who would have predicted this!?

Brett Farve isn't sure if he's going to be returning to the Green Bay Packers next year. Before the Green Bay loss to the Giants, Favre hinted that he would be coming back, but now says he's going to mull it over for a few weeks- which means we'll probably be waiting at least 4-5 months before we have a decision from the clown- and that's if were lucky.

Here's what the Ole' Gunslinga had to say:

"The game the other day will not play into my decision making. I'm not going to let one game affect my future one way or another. I think it's more whether I'm willing to go through the journey and the ups and downs. What if we start 4-0? Great. What if we start 0-4? Then how will I react? Do I want to put in the time in the off-season to prepare? That will decide it more than anything else."

This quote was taken from Favre over the last couple days, but really I could have pulled an exact replica from some ESPN archives across the last 3 years. I gotta go. I’m running to CVS for a barf bag or Walmart for a pistol.

Matt Arrowhead

Problem with Balls in Africa

Blame it on the balls. So says South Africa’s goalkeeper Moeneeb Joseph’s who’s competing with his fellow countrymen at the African Nations Cup. The Cup, hosted by Ghana in four cities, includes teams throughout Africa- which makes sense as it is called the African Nations Cup.

Anyway, the Adidas ball being used in competition has Josephs and other goalies in the tournament upset. The ball is multi-colored - making it look uber-cool- but supposedly it’s producing weird spin that makes it very difficult for goalies to stop. 58 goals have been scored in 18 games, and the article mentions that many of the goals have been scored on long distance strikes.

Josephs has been a Negative Nancy about the whole thing, saying:

“ It's the ball's movement that's the problem. You're expecting it to do one thing and then it does something totally different, which is hard for a goalkeeper because you're going in one direction and it changes direction in mid-air. It makes goalkeepers look like idiots. It isn't that the guys have been scoring good goals; it's the ball which has been making the guys look good.”

I remember there were some similar issues with an Adidas ball during the ’06 World Cup. There, just like at this completion, many of the goalies complained that the ball was acting unpredictably. The ball being used was one that didn’t have as many panels as a traditional soccer ball. The lower number of panels meant fewer seams on the ball, which lead to decreased spin. edit: I had a little bit of an explanation that was literally 100% opposite of what's actually true. Proving once again that I don't think when I write, and end up thoroughly embarrassing myself in the process.

Ok, I’m done explaining that. If you don’t understand, you’re stupid. Anyway, that could be the problem that’s currently afflicting the goalies at the African Nation Cup or it could be the fact that the multi-color ball is “kind of trippy” and most likely putting the goalies into a very peaceful, yet highly ineffective, trance. Really, check this thing out.

I stared at it too long the first time I looked at it, and I was jolted by my forehead smacking the keyboard.

Matt Arrowhead

photocourtesy of wikipedia.

Fellas, Fellas, Fellas Here is the "Shutterbugs" clip

Ok, ok I know this clip is old and many of you have already seen it, but those who haven't deserve the Bobbe J experience. It is, without a doubt, the funniest skit I've ever seen.

Just to give you a little background, the clip is about two agents who work for a children's talent agency called "Shutterbugs". The two men Bill and Samir produced a move titled "Lil' 9/11" that flopped in the box office after one of the child actors staring in the movie as Lil' Osama had his kneecap smashed. Their boss is pissed off, and they have to go in for a meeting with him.... and that is where the skit gets completely ridiculous.

Matt Arrowhead

Chris Lofton Says, "3-pointer I just want to hold you all night long. I don't care who knows it, or if society will accept our love. I Heart you!"

Basketball purists hate Tennessee guard Chris Lofton with unrelenting passion. They want to strip him of his manhood in front of everyone he loves and trusts. To them 3-pointers are repugnant, and Lofton-because he shoots so many- makes them sick.

Every headline for the Tennessee men’s basketball team seems to read one of two ways.
“Lofton’s 3-point Barrage Lifts Vols to Win”

“Lofton Can’t Find Mark From Deep as Vols Lose”

Lofton loves shooting 3-pointers. In fact in a recent interview he responded with “I’d quit and move to St. Louis” when asked what he’d do if the NCAA abolished the 3-point arc. It almost seems like Chris is delusional and thinks there's a burning tar pit inside the 3-point stripe. He refuses to enter.

Another possibility is this -that Lofton hates 2-pointers and doesn’t have any other alternative on the basketball court. Did 2-pointers sleep with his girlfriend or call his mother a whore? Did they steal his lunch money growing up or give him swirlies every day at recess? I don’t know, but his obsession with 3-pointers has to come from somewhere.

Only 11 players in the NCAA attempt more 3-pointers per game than Lofton. And, most of these guys are from smaller schools that- if I really think about it-probably don’t even exist. Robert Vayden is the only name that pops out on the list, but he plays at UAB, so ya, nevermind. Not one other player from a power conference shoots more 3's on average.

Sadly, 10 of the 11 guys that do shoot more 3's than Lofton also shoot at a higher percentage. But guess what, the madness doesn’t end there. Really, it’s just beginning.

Here’s Some Stats:

  • Lofton has shot 168 3-pointers this year through 19 games. He’s only taken a total of 225 shots, which means 3-point attempts account for 75% of his shots.
  • He’s made 83 field goals this year. 61 of those field goals have been three pointers, so 73% all of his makes are 3’s.
  • He has 276 points total, and 183 of those points have come off 3’s. So, 66% of his scoring output is from 3-point makes.
  • When you add free throws to the equation, only 17% of his baskets are from 2-point buckets.
  • He shoots 8.8 threes a game. Moreover, Tennessee has blown out around 3-4 teams where Lofton’s only played anywhere between 22-26 minutes. In fact, he’s on pace to shoot 20 more threes than he did last year when he chucked up 253 three point attempts.
  • Currently, he is average 14.5 ppg and shooting a meek 36% from 3-point land, compared to last year when he averaged 20.8 pp and shoot 42% from the three point strip.
  • He averages just a little over 2 apg.

So, Chris is struggling this year, but that hasn’t stopped him from shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting. Usually a guard like Lofton will get at least one easy bucket from a fast break steal or a leak out, but only 17% of his points are coming from 2’s, so he must shoot-threes even on breakaways where no defender is in front of him. Wow, how annoying would he be in a pick-up game at the local rec. center?

Maybe Lofton's love of 3's is actually more of an obsession. A sick and never ending 3-point addiction that will ultimately end in bloodshed, the destruction of 2 third world countries, and a pandemic of some sort. We can never be sure what's on the horizon when love takes a fatal turn.We can only pray and hope that the young man gets help before its too late.

Note: Last night, Lofton hit 5 threes on his way to 23 points in a 93-86 victory over Alabama.

Matt Arrowhead

"The I'm A Dork Who Actually pulls information into a Spreadsheet" Spreadsheet

Photo Courtesy of View Image.

Information on spreadsheet courtesy of ESPN.COM aka the Worldwide Leader in Sports Entertainment, Fun, Excitement, Math, Spelling, Random Fun Facts, and Hanky Panky.

Just Waiting for the Regular Season to End

Among my many problems with the National Basketball Association is the length of the season. The definition of ‘grueling’ in some countries is viewed as ‘eighty-two games of basketball spread out over five and a half months.’ I would be mailing in games too if my playoff position was relatively known and we were playing game fifty-seven on the road in Toronto.

Not only do the players legitimately not care, most casual fans don’t even know what the hell is going on around the midpoint of the season. If you asked me the Cavs’ record right now, I would just shrug my shoulders and reply “they’re in good position to make the playoffs.” That’s probably how the players feel, too. So here are a couple of alternatives that my na├»ve mind has come up with to fixing this problem in the NBA:

1. Cut the season down to around sixty games.


2. Cut the amount of playoff teams down to six per conference.


3. Do both. I can’t decide if this would be a good idea or not yet.

At risk of looking like an idiot for going out of order, I’ll start with #2. Can you imagine the chaos that would be going on in the West if only six teams could make the playoffs? Every team would have to play their ass off in every game to keep their playoff hopes alive. That’s pretty much the only reason it would be a good idea, because it would maintain the grueling level of the length of the season.

That said, I like option #1 the best. This would probably bring the length of the season down to about 4 months. With that few games, players have to legitimately worry about every game coming into play regarding their playoff hopes. Why do you think the NFL works so well? Every game matters, there’s only one per week, so there’s a better chance that that particular game will affect your teams’ playoff hopes and/or seed. If someone at any point during the NFL season asked me what the Browns’ record was, I would immediately rattle it off, because it matters week in and week out what happens. Also, this gives those bottom-of-the-barrel-lottery-teams less time to realize that they’re horrendous and that they need to start tanking to improve their lottery ball status.

So next time someone asks you what your NBA team’s record is, just tell them you’re waiting for the playoffs to start because the regular season is pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

(DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that this would never fly because the owners would shit a brick over the lost ticket sales)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Eli's Journal: (1/22/08) - (1/29/08)

Tuesday (1/22/08):

Dear Journal:

Oh shucks, I only got a few hours of sleep last night. I was up until 4am watching film of Tom Brady. Ssshhh, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been watching those TMZ videos of Tom wearing that boot cast thing and hanging out with that tall skinny foreign girl. He’s gosh darn lucky I tell ya. I can’t even talk to girls unless I’m buzzing off a couple Miller High Lifes.

Man, if Mom knew I drank, she would kill me! I’m just glad I have you to talk to.

Wednesday (1/23/08):


I can’t talk to Daddy or Pey about nothin’ because I don’t want them to think I’m a weakling. For years, it’s always been the same with those two buttholes. They’re always saying “Eli’s like his mom. He’s quite, has jealous tendencies, and cries easily.”

I’m so sick of being picked on. I wish I could be like Tom Brady. He seems like he’s suave. I bet no one in his family picks on him. Heck, I’m from the south! I’m the one who should be walking around in Cowboy boots.

Oh crap journal, it’s 9:30 ! If I don’t make it to Giant’s Stadium by 10:00am, Straham’s gonna make me rub down his thighs again. Gotta jet.

Thursday (1/24/08):

Mr. Journal,

Hah, I love calling you that!

Practice today was borrring, and really, really cold. Maybe I should have shut up and stuck it out in San Diego. But journal, you have to understand that I’ve never been to Mexico before, and I heard Americans aren’t treated right over there. Plus, I’d be far away from Mommy, and sometimes I need to see her when I’m feelin’ down in the dumps. That reminds me, I haven’t called her yet today. She’s probably gettin' nervous. Gotta scram, but I’ll be thinking about you!

Friday (1/25/08):


You know how I told you and everyone that the cold weather in Green Bay didn’t affect me last week? Well, I was lying. My tootsie was freezin’ cold! Christ, I just wish the fellows on the team and that meany- pie Tom Coughlin weren’t all about being tough all the time. I’m just a boy from the South and sometimes I get cold. I just heard that the weather in Arizona was all crummy this week. I might have to bring my blankie, so I’m sure to stay warm.

Saturday (1/26/08):

Hey you!,

Just another day of watching film at practice. Coach let us out a little early, so I came back and caught up on some episodes of the Andy Griffith show. I’m so bored in New York. Pey called me and was trying to give me advice about the Super Bowl, but I don’t listen to that big dummy....(Everyone tells me that I look like Pey, but I hope not. I think he's ugggllyy, haha!)

I’m getting nervous about flying to Arizona. I hate those big flyin’ cars more than anyone. I think I’m gunna try to hitch a ride to the game with John Madden.

Why can’t we just ride there in a big bus, anyway? I know I’m supposed to keep my cell phone turned off when I’m in the air, but I’m gunna keep it on while we fly out there. I usually sneak in the bathroom and call Mom to calm me down. The guys are always telling me that I need someone else in the bathroom with me if I want to join the Mile High Club, but I don’t know what they mean. Heck, we’re all part of the 1,000 Mile High club when we’re up there flying in that big car. Those city-slickers say some crazy things to me sometimes, but I know they love me.

Sorry, I’m rambling again, I’ll write again tomorrow. :-)

Sunday (1/27/08):

My only friend,

Gotta be brief. I had a horrible dream last night. I woke up covered in sweat and kept my head under the blankets for 10 minutes. I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately about those Vrabel and Harrison characters. I’ll just tell ya right now those guys are major league butt heads.

In my dream, Harrison gave me a wedgie during media day, and I saw Vrabel making out with my mom up in the stands. I don’t know if I can deal with this pressure anymore. How am I gonna be able to shake that dream when I see Vrabel and Harrison on the older side of the ball yellin’ stuff at me during the game?

If it wasn’t for you and Mom, I’d have no one to talk to Journal. Thanks for bein’ a pal.

Tuesday (1/29/08):

Mr. Journal AKA “Mr. Always there for me”,

Sorry, I didn’t write yesterday Journal. Really, I am.

I left you in New York and had to have you sent overnight via FedEx. Don’t worry, I had you locked up, and keep the key in my shoe at all times, so nobody read anything on your pages.

We got into Arizona, and I’ve been a busy beaver. I got my haircut and ate at the In-n-Out. They make some gooood burgers. I haven’t been invited to any parties out here yet, but I got a nice pair of new PJ’s anyway, so I’m kinda lookin’ forward to hanging out in my room, eating ice cream, and gettin to bed early.

That Bill Bellicick is a fart, but he makes me nervous. I walked by him today, and felt like I was almost gonna pee my pants. Sometimes, I just wish we would have lost that game to the Packers. Those guys in Las Vegas who make all of those bettin’ things think we are gunna get our butts kicked anyway. Honestly Journal, I’m beginning to think that as well.

I’ll try to keep you updated, but if I’m not able to, just remember it’s because I’m busy.

Sorry again.


Matt Arrowhead

Crazy People: Why must you act so crazy?

I don’t really have too much to say. Things are slow and boring right now, but I’m trying to follow through with my 30 articles. Whenever there isn’t anything to talk about, I almost instantly go on a long rant about things I find completely mind-blowing. Sometimes the rant is about a fashion trend that borders on absurdity. Sometimes it’s about politics or sports. Sometimes it’s about something as stupid as annoying people habits. Invariably, the rant starts with “I hate it when”, “I hate it how”, or “I hate (Insert name of person)”. Today is no exception to the rule. There’s is nothing worth writing about, so here it goes.

I hate it when insane people do ridiculous things, especially to children. Usually, you don’t have to look too far to find stories that fit the mold. Then again, there are over 6 billion people living on the earth, so statistically, it makes a lot of sense.

A few weeks ago I stumbled across an article about a man who had killed, mutilated, filleted, and then cooked his girlfriend’s body parts after a domestic dispute. Not only that, he called the cops to let them know that his victim’s ear lobe was boiling in some water and a plate covered in human flesh was sitting on his kitchen table. What a gentleman? Oh, and I guess a fork was on the table too, because we all know human flesh isn’t “finger food.”

Around the same time, a story came out about another one of those women “with a history of mental illness” who killed her four daughters because they were “possessed by demons.” Autopsies on the children revealed that they had probably been dead since May of last year. I can’t even tell you how many of these stories I’ve read over the last 5 years and just like everyone else, the same “What in the flying fuck was that crazy person thinking?” thought crosses my mind every time I hear one.

Earlier today I read a story about a woman being charged with the murder of her baby. Police are claiming the baby died after being put in a microwave and nuked like a TV dinner. She claims she was drunk and doesn’t remember anything about the night the baby died. Most people get black out drunk and pee in a corner, on something expensive that isn’t theirs, or on someone they’re actually quite found of. This woman got drunk and put her baby in a microwave. I’m just glad I haven’t been around any infants while drinking heavily.

I am constantly shaking my head in amazement as I read these stories. To say they leave me completely bemused would be a gross understatement, but I can’t think of a word that’s descriptive and powerful enough to put it in better perspective for people. I really just don’t get it.

These stories are even more surprising because, many times, the people acting so insane don’t have a criminal record or anything in their past that would indicate something like this was coming. I guess that’s what makes the stories so shocking. Does something trigger such activity? Is it just a momentary lapse in reason regained only seconds too late after the act is done? Do these people have some inherent flaw that’s just destined to surface eventually? What is the thought process leading up to the actually undertaking of the insane activity, and I guess more interesting, what is the person thinking as they are actually carrying it out?

I really don’t know. To be able to step into someone’s mind during those insane moments, and get a glimpse into the pure chaos and absolute irrationality they produce, would be awesome only because you’d be able to comprehend how/why people do the incomprehensible.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by what I’m saying. When someone posses the age old question, “if you could have one superpower what would it be?” I undoubtedly respond by saying it would be the ability to read someone else’s mind. Oh, and to the people who choose a super-power like flying or being invisible, you’re all idiots. Psychological-super powers kick Physical super-powers’ asses any day of the week. If you want to fly, get on a plane. If you want to be invisible, set up one of those tiny cameras in a room or go out and by some camouflage gear.

Anyway, if I were able to understand what these people were thinking, my life would make more sense. I wouldn’t have to bitch and moan about things I don’t understand. More importantly, I’d never again have to shake my head in disbelief when I hear one of these whack ball stories.

Just a few minutes ago I read another story about a 24-yr old who was sentenced to four years in prison for using a Stun gun two times on his 18 month old kid. The man supposedly was trying to make his soon tough, so that he would become the best “cage fighter of all time”. Please, someone explain to me how this makes sense.

Here’s the Stun Gun Clip:

I assure you that this post wasn’t written after watching an episode of Dr. Phil. In fact, his show is probably responsible for 60-70% of the insanity I’m talking about. The big, bald goof-ball really makes people go batty. Anyway, I’m done ranting, but here’s a little advice:

If you ever have an insane thought cross your mind just give some one a call. However, make sure it’s not me. I really hate talking on the phone and my minutes are always too high as is. Just kidding….kind of.

Matt Arrowhead

Monday, January 28, 2008

Remembering the Starter Jacket Sweetness

I didn’t know that Nike dabbled in sporting brands that were cool 15-20 years ago, but it would appear that way with their acquisition of Umbro and sale of Starter this past weekend. One of my friends told me that Umbro was still a popular brand, but I haven’t seen anyone wearing a pair of Sambas in at least 12 years, so I’m a obviously a little skeptical.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that the Starter brand has been in the shit hole for a long, long time.I think an anti-Starter Getsapo-type group went out at night, collected all of the Starter jackets, and mercilessly destroyed them right around 1995 or 1996. Literally, jackets just disappeared overnight without one question being asked by a single person. Pretty typical of us lazy Americans who aren't willing to fight for the good things in life. I'm disgusted and a little hurt. It’s just too bad that weird guy from Unsolved Mysteries passed away . He could have shed some light on the Starter Jacket mystery or, at the very least, talked in that really creepy voice that made you sleep with the hallway light on.

The jackets were so cool in elementary and middle school. The team colors, the sleek design, and that little pouch in the front of the jacket that you could keep snacks and/or drugs in really made them memorable. Really, how could you beat it? In my neck of the woods, the most popular jackets were those of the Irish, the Chicago teams, and the Pacers (distant 3rd).

However, sometimes you’d have the kids who’d try to one up everyone else on the playground with a team jacket nobody else had seen before. There were also the kids that wore the Cowboy or 49er jackets only because the teams were popular at the time. Oh, how about the toolish kid who wore the Florida Gators jacket only because he liked the team colors? He was always easiest to mock. Then there was the kid wearing a Blackhawks jacket who provided everyone with just enough proof that hockey did in fact still exist. Lastly, I can’t leave out the one tomboy who’d be wearing her older brother’s jacket and dominating the recess touch football game. She’d always end up injuring me somehow.

Basically, you weren’t cool unless you had a Starter jacket in grade school. They really added some "street cred". One of my worst nightmares was showing up to school after Christmas break with my new Bulls starter jacket only to see a kid a year older than me with the exact same one on. Boy, did I have to hold back the tears that day.

I’m going to be on e-bay all day looking for a new one. I think we can all agree that the red Bull’s jacket, without question, was the coolest one of all time. Don’t agree with me? I’ll meet you out in the parking lot during recess.

Matt Arrowhead

Sunday, January 27, 2008

"Luke's Gettin' Kicked Off the Team"- Luke

Luke Caperelli, a 19 year old back-up RB at Wake Forest, has been kicked off his football team after making terrorism threats on his personal Facebook page.

Typically, the Facebook is a place where high schoolers and collegiate folk share messages, post on walls, “poke” each other, and stalk those members of the opposite sex who are much more attractive then they are, but Mr. Caperelli wasn’t having any of that. He thought poking friends and tagging people in photos was BORRRRING.

Instead, his page was filled with quotes (all written in third person) suggesting he wanted to “blow up campus” and that he had an Uzi submachine gun that was “locked and loaded in his bag”.

The third person quotes never get old. Luke should have been a little more comical with some of his quotes, maybe then people would have realized he was just being a goofster. You know, something like “Luke is gettin’ angry. Luke’s got a big ole gun in his bag. Luke wants to kill innocent people. Luke is an idiot for typing all of this stuff on his profile that hundreds of people will be looking at.”

I really don't think any of the non-sense on his page was serious. He has cooperated with the police, and they haven’t found anything on his computer or in his dorm room that would suggest he actually considered taking down the school. He probably just has a sick sense of humor, but come on, he has to be a pretty big idiot for putting this shit up on a page that everyone has access to.

As I was interviewing for jobs last year, I was told by my business placement office that I should remove all information and images from my Facebook account that might be offensive and damaging. Immediately, I went home and deleted everything on my profile. Hell, I wouldn’t want the interviewers to know about my secret ties to the KGB or have them see those “racy” pics of me, in my tighty whities, being fed grapes by an albino hooker from Romania (who I’m 95% sure roofied me.) :-( I just had this feeling that the recruiters from the accounting firms I was interviewing with wouldn’t appreciate my version of a party.

Kidding aside, Luke should have removed his “version of a party” from the profile. Instead, he’s been kicked off the team, doesn’t have a scholarship, and might be facing criminal charges.
What a dumb-dumb? I’m just hoping I can find Osama’s facebook profile; it’d be the easiest 25 million bucks anyone’s ever made. Well, assuming he’d accept my friendship of course.

SI Article

Matt Arrowhead