Log's Blog

Liverpool-Chelsea Champions League Preview

2008-04-28T03:13:00.003-04:00

This isn’t necessarily a blog resurgence, but I wanted to write a preview for the Champions League Semifinal 2^nd leg between Liverpool and Chelsea. For those of you who didn’t see the first leg, Liverpool’s John Arne Riise scored an equalizing own goal in the 94^th minute, earning Chelsea a draw and coveted away goal, after a mostly uninspired performance. I love Liverpool, so while I will do my best to provide objective analysis, I cannot promise the same for the tone.

(The game is on Wednesday at 2:30 p.m. on ESPN2.)

Liverpool’s success during the second half of the season seems to have come as a result of Rafa Benitez’s decision to solidify the starting lineup and the 4-2-3-1 formation, which makes speculation for his lineup choice on Wednesday all the more interesting. While Liverpool completely outclasses Chelsea with this same lineup last week, their precarious position and the pressure to score at least one goal may force him to opt for a more attacking formation.

History certainly favors Chelsea. They have not lost at Stamford Bridge since 2004, which was also the last time they conceded a goal to LFC.

If I had the choice I would opt for a more attacking lineup, but with the same general 4-2-3-1 formation:

Reina

Riise-Škrtel-Carragher-Arbeloa

Alonso-Mascherano

Gerrard-Torres-Benayoun

Crouch

This lineup basically replaces Kuyt and Babel with Benayoun and Crouch. People may question the exclusion of Kuyt given his goal in the first leg and his overall experience. I would go with Benayoun because of his pace, as well as the form he showed in the game against Birmingham this weekend. What it does is give Benitez two options for a substitute. Say Liverpool score an early goal or two. He can then bring on Kuyt who can track back and provide help in the defensive third to protect the lead. And if they are still searching for a goal as the game progresses, then Babel would be the perfect option for a set of fresh legs to run at the Chelsea defense who will be at least somewhat fatigued after playing a full, intense 90 minutes against Man U on Saturday.

Crouch is the riskier choice. I like his aggressiveness and the target he provides up front. He has seemed to work well with Torres in the limited opportunities he’s had, and I would think he could put pressure on the back four. I think it is more likely that Benitez will keep Gerrard in the slot behind Torres and go with a lineup of:

Riise-Škrtel-Carragher-Arbeloa

Alonso-Mascherano

Kuyt-Gerrard-Babel

Torres

He would then bring on Benayoun and possibly Crouch if they still need a late goal.

As for Chelsea, their biggest benefit is the return of the suspended Michael Essien. I’m assuming they will stick with their 4-3-3 formation of:

Cech

Cole-Terry-Carvalho-Ferreira

J. Cole-Lampard-Essien

Malouda-Drogba-Ballack

Essien replacing Makelele should figure to be a tremendous improvement, considering Makelele’s subpar performance last week. Kalou on the other hand was outstanding, and I would look for him to provide a spark coming off the bench.

Keys to the Game/Things to Watch For:

1. 1. John Arne Riise

Let’s go over what everyone should already know. Riise has been shit all season. He scored a completely stupid and unnecessary own goal. With Aurelio’s injury he is almost certain to get the start at left back. What people seem to forget is that he has played in numerous big games and scored some big goals in his career. He was devastated after last week, but said he is ready to move on and looking forward to the second leg. While I’m not optimistic enough to think he will score the winning goal, I do expect him to be solid in defense, as well as get forward and serve some good balls into the box.

2. 2. Refereeing

I need to preface this by saying that Liverpool wouldn’t be here without some controversial calls going their way. With that being said, Drogba is a bitch and his diving is a disgrace. Moreover, Fernando Torres got abused by Chelsea defenders (including the kick in the ribs by John Terry behind the play which should have resulted in a send-off and possibly a fine). It will be interesting to see if Torres can get some of the protection that Drogba seems to have earned.

3. 3. John Terry

Terry is playing with a yellow card (as are Gerrard and Carragher) meaning if he picks up another he will miss the final in Moscow. Liverpool should look to exploit this by attacking him and forcing him to make some tough decisions. My bet is that Terry will be hesitant to make a tough tackle around the goal, which could provide LFC with the advantage they need to score the away goal.

4. 4. Goalkeeping

Cech was the Man of the Match of the first leg in my opinion. He made some top class, unbelievable saves, keeping Chelski in the game and allowing for the late equalizer. Pepe Reina was barely tested, minus the attempt by his own defender. Judging by recent form I would say that Chelsea have the advantage in the net, unless the match goes to penalties, in which case Reina’s record gives Liverpool the edge.

Prediction: Chelsea score first (Ballack), but Torres equalizes in the second half. The game goes to overtime where Ryan Babel scores the winner. Liverpool wins 2-1 and go on to Moscow.

Don't Worry, He's Alive

2008-03-16T15:48:00.004-04:00

After years of looking, I finally spotted him. This guy is more slick than Carmen San Diego and blends in better than Waldo. Yes folks I am talking about Dale Davis. After missing my 11pm flight out of hotlanta i was forced to stick around for the night. I quickly checked my surroundings and realized that I was in a Stomp the Yard remix. Literally the only white person in the whole place. At least I wasn't wearing a bright pink polo and jeans so i didn't stand out or anything... oh wait I was. I only have one dance move and its the worm, I'm pretty sure that is no longer "in" either. So I called a hotel about as quickly as possible to board up in the ATL before I got served.

As I am traveling through the airport to the hotel shuttle, all of the workers are getting off work and going home. It is one giant black posse and me. So I call my mom. I get to the shuttle and encounter my first caucasian mates who were at the Notre Dame vs someone bball game that weekend Mcalanreyerarere hit 42 threes. At least I got to chat with some fellow Irish fans for a while. When approaching the hotel the guys at the bell hop thingy tell the bus driver, "Watch out he likes to run in front of the bus." I look up and see a homeless man approaching at about 50 feet away. We start driving toward him and sure enough he ACTUALLY jumped in front of the bus and we almost killed him.

Fast forward on 5 hours of sleep. So I am getting breakfast the next morning in the airport. The only choice is Popeye's... shocking. So its 6am obviously I am getting to get a egg and cheese biscuit. All of the different colored skinned people around me get a chicken strip biscuit. Thats weird, i hate culture and diversity. As I am waiting in line for security and people are getting thrown out left and right for having gats and uzi's, I notice a very tall, very dark figure in front of me. I see his profile and immediately think... KEVIN GARNETT?! but then i realized that KG is actually blacker than night. So I am trying to get a glimpse of this guys boarding pass to figure out his name and it read none other than Dale Davis. Dressed in suede NBA Fusion clothing, he was 1 foot in front of me. I took a picture of him on my phone and couldn't even get his head in it. I immediately texted my friend who actually believed me.

I had to check up on what Dale has been doing since the NBA.

In August 2006, Davis was shocked with a stun gun as Miami Beach police arrested him for assaulting a police officer, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest.^[2] In December 2006, Davis was acquitted of all charges.

Berman Doesn't Believe in Miracles

2008-02-12T06:37:00.001-05:00

Oh, Another Berman video. He doesn't like Al Michaels. He actually calls him a very, very dirty word at the end of the clip. Bad Chris.

Here's the rest of them from the white whale at You Tube. Supposedly, he doesn't have anymore. What will we all do with ourselves?

MA

Frat Bro Love: Roy Jones Jr. Endorses Mike Huckabee. People far and wide left saying, “Whaaa???”

2008-02-11T08:17:00.000-05:00

Roy Jones announced his endorsement of Republican Presidential nominee Mike Huckabee last week. The Huckabee camp actually put an announcement up on his internet “media page”. Huckabee said he was “proud to have the support of such a dedicated athlete and champion.”

I’m sure he has no idea who Roy Jones, Jr. is. Seriously, what in the hell is going on? Is it possible that two men have any less in common? Jones Jr. and Huckabee are both members of Tau Kappa Epislon and that seems to be the reason Jones came forward with the endorsement, but it’s absurd nonetheless.

Jones said:

"Governor Huckabee is a man who knows about struggle and how to work hard for what he wants. As a fellow TKE, I know he's a man of honor and integrity."

This is the same Roy Jones Jr. who’s held cockfights on his property, formed a rap group called the ‘Body Head Bangers” in 2004, and admitted letting the pit bulls he breeds fight for “10 minutes, 15 minutes, maybe like the longest I let them go was a half-hour, but I never let them fight to the death 'cause I can't take that.”

At present, the two most famous people endorsing Huckabee are Chuck Norris and Roy Jones, Jr. Think about that for a minute. Then, think about them fighting each other because that’s even funnier.

Oh, and Huckabee used to be an absolute HOUSE. I don’t think anyone knew that.

Haha, goodnight.

Berman's Softer Side

2008-02-10T08:32:00.000-05:00

With all of the ridiculous videos of Berman popping up all over the internet -you know the ones of him dropping f-bombs, creepin' on the ESPN help, and getting angry with screwy telepromters- I figured it was only fair to show Chris' more sensitive side.

In this video, he's just trying to get a couple kids into a bar. Really, he's not that bad. At least, until people start ducking in front of cameras or he's feeling a little horny.

Whoopp.

MA

Talkin About Fights not involving Kimbo Slice

2008-02-10T06:43:00.000-05:00

Carlos Quintana (25-1, 19KOs) defeated Paul “The Punisher” Williams (33-1, 24KO’s) in a welterweight match-up a little south of here in Temecula, CA. Quintana was a big underdog going into the fight,-coming in as an 8-1 shot- but his movement and left hand helped him score a unanimous decision to capture the WBO title. Two judges scored the fight 116-112, while one had it at 115-113.

Williams was the most avoided man in the 147lbs Welterweight division coming into this fight after his decision victory Antonio Margarito in July. Before that fight, Margarito was the most feared fighter in the division, but Williams’s height (6’2”) and 82” reach were too much for him to handle.

Williams was supposed to dispose of Quintana easily and then set his eyes on the winner of the Cotto vs. Margarito/Cintron fight that’s scheduled for June/July of this year. Now, its back to the drawing bored for Williams. Quintana, who was destroyed by Cotto in 5 rounds at the end of 2006,is now right back at the top of the Welterweight division with this massive upset. Ultimately, he’d like a rematch with Cotto, but he’ll have to see if the “bigger” names will give him a shot.

I didn’t watch the fight yet (sleeping pattern is fucked up), but I’d be interested to see how Quintana pulled off the upset. Williams’s victory over Margarito 7 months ago was so impressive because he was able to keep Margarito at a distance the entire fight. He used his enormous reach advantage to effectively control the fight. Quintana wasn’t any bigger than Margarito, yet he was able to get inside on Williams and reach him with some big shots. Really surprising result, but that’s boxing for you. Williams was already having trouble making money as no one wanted to fight him out of fear. Now, he’ll have trouble making money because no one has to fight him now that the “0” has vanished from his record.

Next Saturday night, Jermain Taylor and Kelly “The Ghost” Pavlik pick up where they left off this fall in their much anticipated rematch. The first fight between the two was unbelievable, with Taylor scoring a knockdown and near knockout in the 2^nd round, only to see Pavlik rally back and KO Jermain in the 7^th. Pavlik took the middleweight championship for Taylor that night, and now Taylor’s looking for revenge. There are no title implications for this fight and it happens at a catch weight of 170lbs (I believe), but that doesn’t mean the fight won’t be as good as the first one .Taylor was undefeated coming into the last fight and lost his belt. Now, Pavlik’s the undefeated titleholder and the favorite to win the rematch, so Jermain will be looking for some revenge. He’ll only get it if he keeps that fucking left hand of his up. He has trouble doing that, and with the brutal straight right of Pavlik’s, he might be in trouble again.

Highlights of last fight between the two (Pro Pavlik Video):

Mom's Takin Lil' Eli to Disney World

2008-02-09T11:08:00.000-05:00

Usually when players are asked the question, "You just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next?"

They respond with "I'm gong to Disney World!!!"

I've always suspected they didn't mean it, where paid to say it, or just felt pressured into conforming to society's demanding expectations.

For the first time, I'm convinced an athlete was generally excited about going to Disney World. In fact, this You Tube Clip was cut short.

The extended version of Eli's quote was this:

"I'm going to Disney World! Thanks for finally taking me mom. I wanna go to Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Magic Kingdom in that order! Than, I gunna watch the fireworks over Cinderella's pretty castle thing. Oh mom, thanks for letting me go finally. Just me and you though. No Dad, Pey, or Coop"

During an interview the day after the Super Bowl, a reporter asked Eli what he'd do if his mom didn't actually take him to Disney World. Eli didn't respond with words. Instead, he pointed down to the shirt he had on at the time. (see below)

I don't know why I enjoy poking fun at good old Eli, but I can't help myself. Really, I'm glad he was able to win and give everyone who doubted him a big middle finger, but for whatever reason, I see him as a big eight year old.

MA

Roy Williams Don't Know Nothing About Nothing

2008-02-09T11:07:00.000-05:00

I’ll be brief with this story about UNC basketball coach Roy Williams, but let it be known that I think his lack of pop culture knowledge is arrogant, miserable, and extremely obnoxious.

Exhibit A: He doesn’t know who Dr. Phil is.

A reporter began a question about the rivalry by saying "I don't mean to be Dr. Phil-esque with this, but ..."
When the question ended Williams looked around the room and said, "Who's Dr.Phil?"

Exhibit B: He doesn’t know who ‘Kramer” is.

"When I was at Kansas, they had a contest among the students I was supposed to help judge about who looked the most like this one guy. I turned to (guard) Jacque Vaughn and asked him for some help. He said 'You never heard of Kramer?' and told me who to vote for.

Exhibit C: He knows nothing of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (which I guess I actually applaud).

We were in a group talking one day and somebody mentioned the latest 'Lord of the Rings' movie. Coach was amazed they made a movie about that and we had to tell him it was the third film in the trilogy."

Please, please, and please. Roy, there’s no shame in admitting you know about this stuff.

I remember watching a Coca-Cola commercial Williams was in awhile back and thinking two things:

He should have said, “I’m Roy Williams, and I approve this message.” at the end of the commercial.
This guy is the biggest hilljack I know.

I think my observations were spot on. I’ll let you decide.

Roy needs to focus less on slamming Cokes and more on getting his pop culture game together. Pussy.

How are we supposed to swim without any water?

2008-02-09T08:24:00.000-05:00

And you say global warming isn’t real. Try telling that to local Atlanta swim teams who were almost forced out of the water this summer after Georgia governor Sonny Perdue (ridiculous, probably made up name) placed a ban on outdoor watering. Translation: No outdoor swimming pools for neighborhood swim pool associations, swim teams, and yes, even private pool owners.

A drought in Atlanta has forced leaders of the state to come up with, well, unique ways to conserve water. The governor has since backed off the “no watering stance” a bit, but there are still a few interesting strategies for dealing with the drought. Read this absurdity.

“Pool-filling will be allowed and home and business owners will be able to hand-water landscaping and flower gardens for 25 minutes a day, between midnight and 10 a.m., on a three-day-a-week schedule. Watering with sprinklers would still be banned, except for watering newly installed landscapes. “

So they can water three times a week, but can’t use sprinklers? Very Interesting. But wait, it doesn’t stop there. The government has also implemented a schedule based on the old “odds and evens” strategy.

“The three-day schedule for watering is the permanent one: Odd-numbered addresses can water on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays and even-numbered addresses can water on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, only during the allowed hours. The governor said he hasn't decided whether to let fountains run this summer, including the popular tourist destination in Centennial Olympic Park.”

So, as we wait on the “fountains decision” from the governor, local swimmers at least know they’ll be able to take a dip or compete a few times a week. Frank Marsden, of Atlanta Swimming, wrote a passionate letter to local swimmers in the area hoping to prevent the governor’s proposed ban. He decided to make an entirely emotional and over the top argument. Usually, this type of argument isn't effective if dealing with sane and rational human beings. However, the fact that everyone involved is talking about pools, which I must remind everyone are just holes that hold water, suggests that no one involved in the “controversy” possess any sanity or ability to reason. Here’s his argument as to why the pools should remain open.

“Having our pools closed during the summer would be catastrophic. First, it would create a massive health risk. Stagnant pools would be a rampant breeding ground for mosquitoes that carry West Nile virus as well as other dangerous bacteria. Second, it eliminates the centerpiece of thousands of local neighborhood summers, the local pool. It is the place for kids to safely play, exercise, socialize and generally stay out of trouble. In metro Atlanta alone, over 40,000 kids participate in summer league swimming. Could you imagine cancelling Little League baseball? Third, the economic loss resulting from all local pools being closed has been estimated at $300 million.”

"Uhhhhhh, ya......... ok......I guess?"(My response 30 seconds after reading that as I stared blankly at my computer screen and scratched my head)

You’d think he was talking about a possible terrorist attack. Shit, maybe –at least subconsciously- he is. Let’s raise the terror alert level to red, or orange, or green, or whatever color it is the Department of Homeland Security uses to unnecessarily scare the shit out of people.

Leo Dicaprio: Just Tryin' to Ball

2008-02-09T07:30:00.000-05:00

“Yo, I just wanna ball. Why these haters trying to interrupt my game?”

I imagine that’s what Leonardo DiCaprio has been mumbling this past week. His next door neighbors are alleging the full-size basketball court Leo had built in the backyard of his Hollywood Hills home has undermined their swimming pool and surrounding land on the property. Why he built a full-size basketball on a hill is still mystifying to me. It seems like the game would become unnecessarily difficult with that setup, but to each his own, I guess.

Anyway, Leo’s a big time Lakers fan and played a young druggie in ‘Basketball Diaries’, so it comes as no surprise that he wants to play a little ball in his free time. Me thinks the neighbors are just angry about the court because of the noise it creates. Have you ever tried to sleep while a next door neighbor’s playing basketball at 3 or 4 in the morning? I have, and it doesn’t work. They probably just felt like filing a noise complaint and being those “old, grouchy neighbors” would come off as a little snooty, so instead they’ve filed a lawsuit and are suing him for at least $250,000. Chump change to wealthy elitists like you and I, but no laughing matter for Leo.

DiCaprio doesn’t believe the lawsuit holds any merit, but said even if it does, the contractors are to blame. Leo, like every good American, is going to place the blame on someone else. Now that I’m thinking about it, I really don’t care one bit about this stupid story. It's just another example of whitey trying to bring a baller down.

I’m done typing. My bed beckons.

Sky Network Demands More 'Talent'

2008-02-08T07:12:00.000-05:00

Sky Reporter GeorgiaThompson..I think they might have something here.

Competition amongst sports networks is intense. In order to keep viewers tuning in, networks work hard to gain a competitive advantage in anyway they can. Interesting match-ups, quality commentary (if that’s what you call it), and uhhh, extremely hot women are necessary to remain relevant.

see how much more interesting things become when hot women are involved?

Stateside, we have Erin Andrews and a slew of other women I’d enjoy fornicating with for our viewing pleasure, and it seems like those feisty Brits have realized they need a little more “high quality ass” roaming their sidelines as well.

Sky Network, the leading subscription based sports network in the United Kingdom, has told their female presenters to get all "sexed up" to fend off the sideline talent their rivals are putting on the air. Read this little tidbit from the article I stumbled across.

“Sky broadcasters including Georgia Thompson, Vicky Gomersall and Millie Clode have to raise their game to compete with a sexy new squad of hosts on Setanta Sports News. They now have good-looking girls of their own and we want our female hosts to stay ahead of the competition. Viewers may even have noticed recently that a few of our girls have a new hairdo or are extra lippy.

Wow, so these girls not only look good, they talk dirty as well. It’s a very good combination.Oh, and one Sky “insider” had this to say:

“All our girls are perfect - but we can all have our off days.”

Really, a more perfect line has never been uttered. Subtle and to the point.

The networks might want to be extra careful though. Only bad things happen when women are competing for a man’s attention. Usually, those bad things involve cat-like fighting, tears, and runny mascara, which we can all agree are really annoying and unattractive. Well, at least the tears and runny mascara are. The cat-like fighting can be cool given the correct set of circumstances. And by correct set of circumstances, I mean hot, naked, and big busted.

Zing!

Baseball's Jim Sorensen is a Drunk Again

2008-02-08T05:33:00.001-05:00

Holy shit, I thought I knew how to drink, but this guy puts me to shame. Jim Sorensen, former MLB player and Detroit Tiger play by play guy, was arrested on his 7^th drunken-driving related incident last night. Detroit cops found him passed out in his car on the side of a Detroit highway. He was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that his BAC was 6 times the legal limit.

Jim was sentenced to 20 months in prison for drinking during 2005, and released in June 2006 after serving 14 months. Most people might consider hitching a ride to the party after 6 DUI’s and a 14 month stay in prison, but not Jim. I was going to ask what type of friends would let Jim drive with that drinking resume, but then realized a drunk of his caliber probably doesn’t have too many.

Michigan’s legal limit is .08, so that means he was at a .46 at the time he got tested. Who knows how long he had been passed out on the side of the road or how insane his BAC was at it’s highest point? I remember the alcohol classes I had to take after getting a couple drinking ticket in college, and they always showed us this ridiculous chart of BAC levels and the symptoms that accompanied them. (see below)

The lady leading the alcohol class always said two things.

If you’ve been arrested once you’ll be back again. (She was right.)
Any BAC above a .30 is extremely dangerous, and any BAC above a .40 usually results in comatose or death.

Seasoned drinkers will usually laugh at the 2^nd statement. Anyone who knows how to party has hit that .30 mark once in their life, and the true drinking “stars” have come close to that .40. Yet, when one gets into the .40’s, it’s just scary -and more often than not -deadly. Good ole’ Jim was getting pretty close to a .50, and still had the wherewithal to get off the road.

Reckless, drunken idiot or "leading light" for alcoholics everywhere? I’ll let the public decide.

Really though, 7 DUI’s? Come on now, Jim.

Drunk Guy Crashes Super Bowl Parties in LA

2008-02-06T17:06:00.000-05:00

Luis Mendoza, 31, was arrested on misdemeanor driving under the influence charges for allegedly running into a power pole in Southern California early Sunday night. Funny thing is this: when Mendoza hit the pole he knocked out electricity for 8,300 residents in the Brentwood area who were trying to watch the last five minutes of one of the greatest Super Bowls ever.

They missed Moss’ parting of the sea and blank stare after he scored that go ahead touchdown with a few minutes left in the game. They missed Eli pissing his pants after he threw the game winner. They missed Belichick walking off the field and Junior Seau looking like he’d just watched his entire family get murdered execution style - all because some drunk jackass doesn’t know how to keep it together behind the wheel while drinking. Oh, what a sight to see! Reportedly, Peyton said he shot a load off in his pants when the Colts beat the Patriots in the AFC championship last year. This year Eli let out a little tinkle after he connected with Burress for the win, but hey, older bro Pey probably told Eli a little pee pee never hurt anyway. It’s better than a bunch of load in your boxers, I guess.

Anyway, can you imagine not watching the last 5 minutes of that game? It’s like God took a huge shit on all of those residents. So I did a little brainstorming and came up with the “5 worst things that could have happened during Super Bowl 42” besides having the power go out of course. It would be a “10 worst” list, but I stayed up all night playing 1$-2$ stud, and I can’t keep my eyes open right now. Oh yeah, I’m 24 years old & a huge loser but at least I’m not denying it like most people. Here it is.

1) My beer-drinking, masculine uncle comes out of the closet by telling me he wants to “tap Tom Brady’s sweet, sweet ass.” Very Colorful. If he did that, I’d be forced to shut off the game and put out the flame(s).

2) I go to my Mexican friend’s super bowl party (if I had any Mexican friends) and unexpectedly have to watch the whole game in espanol. Hey, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. At least, I wound’t have had to listen to Troy Aikman debate whether or not it’d be wise for the Giants to go for it on 4^th down with under two minutes left in the fucking Super Bowl What an idiot. Oh by the way; how do you pronounce Eli in Spanish? Is it Elimenudo?

3) I’m completely caught up in the intensity of the game when all of the sudden I hear a loud thud, immediately followed by a yelp. I open the front door to see my dog lying in its own blood under a UPS truck on the street. Instead of getting mad at the driver, I get mad at the dog for wrecking my Super Bowl. I don’t think that’s outrageous.

4) At halftime captains from New York and New England hold a council and decide that the rivalry between New York & Boston teams is petty and insignificant; concluding that divisions are bringing our country down. Straham, the council leader and huge fan of ABC’s Lost, comes out after halftime and makes this speech:

“Why do you (the fans) think that your two cities are the only two that exist? You all have a warped perspective on how shit is run. All I ever wanted to know is if the people from LOST are ever going to get off that God damn island. And really, are the others who they say they are? Why is Locke acting so creepy? Jesus, me so confused! Anyways to punish you, the fans, for adding extra pressure on us players and the paranoid, delusional, striking writers of LOST, we the captains of the New York Giants and New England Patriots agree to end Super bowl 42 in a draw. Fuck you.

5) I decide to stay in for the Super Bowl this year and enjoy a nice little quiet afternoon with the wife. I’m focused on the game, but I can’t stop thinking about the tub of boneless buffalo wings she inhaled no more than 5 minutes ago. Unfortunately, my high school sweet heart’s body hasn’t held up through the years. The only thing that’s sweet about her is the inside of her mouth because it’s holding 6-8 fun size snickers. And, guess what? Her hand is starting to creep further and further towards my private region. Get off my Eli jersey. Are you kidding? She’s going to try and get nookie from me during the Super Bowl. What a bitch. Oh shit, is that Gisele Bundchen in the press box at the game? She is so fine! Wait a second. Man I’m a genius. If I just picture Gisele in my mind and imagine it’s her trying to get with me, I’ll let my wife do anything she wants to me. She could insert a full fist in my ass if she wanted. Not that I’ve tried it or anything. Thank God I’m a quick thinker. Now come over here Miss. Bundchen, but wipe that chocolate off your face.

Sockless Dillema

Shaq Is Really Old

2008-02-06T06:08:00.000-05:00

Brittle, useless, washed-up old people sometimes move to the Phoenix desert after they’ve retired to enjoy their final years on earth. They pack their Winnebagos and head towards the Arizona sun to relax and start the countdown. You know the types I’m talking about. They have gray hair, big ears, smell like moth balls, and walk around hunched over pointing at random things. They break hips, play bingo, and eat dinner at 2:30pm. They walk around malls for exercise and cause car crashes. Sometimes you’re even forced to listen to one of their ridiculous soliloquies. They almost always start with “Back in my day” and end with “only cost a nickel” –regardless of subject matter or context. All sagacity they once had is gone. Replaced with logic even a local party clown would find a little brain numbing.

Shaq fits this stereotype perfectly. He’s old and should be entering his “golden years”. Yet, it seems like he might be moving to Phoenix to continue his NBA career with the Suns. A proposed trade sending Marion to Miami and Shaq to the Suns could happen as soon as today. Retiring doesn’t seem to be an option for Shaq. O’Neil says he’s “a man of his word and honors a contract.” I say it’s pretty hard to turn down 2 years at $20 million. It’s not the first time, nor will it be the last, intelligent men disagree.

Nonetheless, I find the move extremely strange on so many levels.

1. Shaq has been injured all year. In fact, I think his hip has been ailing him for the past few weeks. If a hip problem doesn’t scare the Suns away, I guess nothing will. Usually, when an old person’s hip goes, they end up in a nursing home no more than 3-6 months later. I don’t see Shaq being an exception to this rule when he falls and breaks his.

2. The Suns up-tempo game and Shaq’s rickety knees don’t seem like a good fit, but I just heard Chris Webber’s been named Golden State’s new starting center, so maybe these NBA executives know something I don’t.

3. Phoenix must think that Shaq automatically makes them a favorite out West. This might be an ill conceived notion; at least with the “current” Shaq, who is more likely to been seen on an Icy Hot commercial than on a basketball court.

Maybe Shaq’s divorce has spurred the trade talk. He could be looking for a change. Or maybe it’s the conflict that’s been brewing between him and Pat Riley the last year and a half. They seem to be at odds on how to fix the struggling Heat. Honestly, I’m hoping it’s the latter. That way, we could be looking at a made for TV movie that fills the void created when the makers of Grumpy Old Men and Grumpier Old Men decided against what would have been an epic trilogy.

Either way, I’m confused.

Matt Arrowhead

Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T18:36:00.000-05:00

The day has finally arrived. 24 states are hosting primaries, caucuses, or coventions today. McCain will most likely dominate the Republican side of things. While Obama and Hillary, the two Dems, are neck and neck around the country. I'll have a little analysis (if that's what you call random mumbles) tonight if I get around to it, but really I just wanted to post this picture.

Hillary's not only polarizing, she threatens the lives of sweet, innocent little girls.
MA

Bob Knight Retires

2008-02-04T21:32:00.000-05:00

My favorite Bobby Knight story involves the "legendary" coach and a member of the press, a group that Knight seemed to be constantly at odds with. After the reporter asked Knight a question he didn't particularly like, Knight paused before responding, "You know, most people learn to write in second grade and then they move on to bigger and better things."

"Well, most people stop calling themselves Bobby and throwing chairs in second grade too," the reported replied.

We always knew "Bobby" was immature and short tempered, but a number of people still naively believed that despite his shortcomings, Knight still coached because he loved the game and the kids.

But Knight's abrupt and unexpected retirement should prove that it was, and always has been all about him. He has no health issues. No personal issues. He'd just set out to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish--winning 900 games and becoming the winningest coach in college basketball. By retiring in the middle of the season, almost immediately after reaching the milestone, and with no other "issues" to use as pretense for quitting, he shows his true character.

And make no mistake, Knight is quitting. He's quitting on the program he signed on to help build. He's quitting on the players he recruited to play for him. The fact that he appointed his son as his successor, is even further evidence that it is what he planned to do all along.

I'm sure the dong slobbering over Knight's accomplishments will begin tomorrow--but I think that any praise of the coach will be immensely misguided.

Text Messaging Ruins Another Relationship

2008-02-04T20:46:00.000-05:00

Note to self: don’t send “sexy time” text messages to my mistress the day I’m getting married. Seems like common sense, but after reading a story about Chelsea soccer player Nicolas Anelka, I’m just making sure I have all my bases covered.

Dipshit supposedly sent dirty text messages to a 24 yr old "shop girl" named Natalie Merriman the day he was getting married to Barbara Tausia- another chick who’s apparently a complete dumbass as well.

Mistress Merriman was quoted as saying:

“"Nico's a fantastic lover with an amazing body. We often had sex four times a night and he bombarded me with dirty text messages. I didn't know he was engaged, and I was really falling for him. But when I found out he'd actually got married and had even texted me that day, I realized he's just another typical lying, cheating footballer."

She also reveals that “Anelka shocked her by sending lewd photos of his private tackle to her mobile, thrilled her in bed with his astonishing gymnastic tongue, and tried to cover up his marriage by claiming it was his brother who'd wed.”

First of all, I don’t know why they call Anelka’s dong a “private tackle”, but I think it’s pretty funny. I might start referring to my thunder as the “Private Tackle”.

Anyway, Anelka plays in the EPL, so it’s pretty safe to assume that Merrimann knew he was engaged. During these days of intraweb-domination, juicy information is only a few keystrokes away. I know you’re asking yourself the question, “Are dirty, whorish women able to use the internet?

And my simple answer is, yes they are. Even those who seem most dirty and whorish are usually able to use a computer. Merriman, the dirty and whorish whorish woman in question right now, was technologically savvy enough to receive “pic” messages via text, so I don’t think a Google search would have been too much for her.

So then, why would she stay with this guy? Oh, I keep forgetting about that “astonishing gymnastic tongue” of Anelka’s. I guess that’s what I’ve been missing with the ladies all these years. It’s just sad that it took an article about text messages to realize this. Even sadder- I guess- that the answers to “all things” romantic involve tongue nimbleness. I’ve got a ways to go in that department. :-(

Peyton Owes Eli a "Thank You"

2008-02-04T04:34:00.000-05:00

The Giants actually did it; defeating the Patriots 17-14 in one of the most entertaining Super Bowls I’ve ever seen. It was enjoyable because, like most fans, I despise the Patriots and was hoping with every fiber of me being that they would lose. I won’t talk more about the game itself because everyone else will exhaust the subject, but I did want to mention why Peyton Manning is probably the happiest man on the planet right now.

When two of the greatest athletes of all time play in the same era, their careers are always compared side by side- see Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. Peyton Manning, as a “student of the game”, clearly recognizes this. Ultimately, he knows his accomplishments will always be judged based on how they stack up with Brady’s accomplishments, however unfair that might be.

Currently, only Super Bowl wins separate the two quarterbacks. Brady winning a fourth ring last night would have made it virtually impossible for Peyton to ever catch him in that department. So, as Eli marched the Giants down the field over the final three minutes, you know Peyton was praying to God that the Giants could punch it in. If not, Peyton would have had to sit back again as the Patriots smugly celebrated their 4^th Lombardi Trophy. How much more could he really take?

Without doubt, older brother was pulling for little Eli, but I think he was equally interested in seeing the Patriots lose. He seemed to have his whole heart and soul invested in the game from high up in that plush luxury box. After Brady connected with Moss late in the 4^th quarter, Peyton was probably wondering how Belichick and his band'o'assholes were going to sneak out another victory. They had done it to him for years, and now, little brother was going to fall victim to the same fate. Sure, Peyton was finally able to get over the proverbial “hump” last year, but a Pat’s victory here would have stamped them as the greatest team of all time.

Once Eli hit Burress for the winning score, Peyton knew he still had a chance to go down as the greatest QB of all time. I debated this point with my buddies, and they said Peyton cared more about his brother winning than the Patriots losing. I’d agree with them if not for the fact that Peyton is one of the most competitive athletes in sports. Seeing his biggest rivals win the biggest game in the world almost certainly would have made him sick.

Like I’ve said already, I don’t doubt that Manning was wholeheartedly rooting for Eli to win the game. I’m just suggesting that he was equally ecstatic that Brady couldn’t further separate himself in that “Who’s better? Peyton or Brady?” argument. Maybe I’m just vindictive, but I’ve always enjoyed seeing rivals fail. I think most people-at least secretively- feel the same way. So, if my hypothetical little brother beat my #1 rival, I’d definitely be extremely happy for him, but I’d probably take an equal amount of joy in the fact that he beat the person/team I’d always be competing against (indirectly at least).

Congratulations Eli. Your older brother owes you money,treasures, gift certificates to Sizzler, or whatever it is you Southern folks give when trying to express gratitude.

Boring Super Bowl Saturday Leads to "Double Dip Chip" Study Findings

2008-02-03T03:35:00.000-05:00

"Superbowl Saturday" sucks. I woke up yesterday, and realized there was nothing to do. So, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and watch Lord of the Rings. Boy, what a gigantic mistake that was. Hobbits, dwarves, elves, and disgusting looking monsters from Sauron don’t really do it for me, especially when I’m trying to eat a chicken queso burrito from Qdoba. I nauseate easily, and odd shaped ears, slime, hair, poor hygiene, and one-eyed creatures usually get my tum-tum feeling queasy.

After shutting off that dorky weirdofest, I flipped through the local channels and found American Gladiators on NBC. Back in the day, the one event I always found kind of cool was “Assault”. In “Assault”, a Gladiator would stand on a platform and shoot tennis balls at the players using some big “nerf” gun thing. The players would run from station to station and try to hit a big bull’s-eye above the Gladiator with their own fake weapons. (See picture below)

I always thought the event could have been even more exiting if, at the last station, they substituted a real gun for the fake gun.Can you imagine how much more intense it would have made the whole thing? The Gladiators would have faced almost certain death unless they were able to hit the contestant with a tennis ball before he got to the last station. "Shit I have to hit this asshole, or he's going to pick up that pistol at Station 5 and put a bullet through the back of my head."

Anyway, I got through about 5 minutes of the new version of the show before coming to the realization that a documentary focusing on the history of circumcisions would probably be a more enjoyable watch. (Really, it would be- just as long as my own “No-No place” wasn’t part of the feature) One can only take so much of Hulk Hogan’s overly tan/wrinkly body, that ridiculous handle bar mustache, and his incessant use of the word “brother” before actively seeking out someone or something to beat mercilessly.

So, I went on the internet. I was bored out of my mind. How was I going to spend the rest of my night? Should I go for a run? No, not a chance. Should I spin around for a minute straight until I was dizzy and a little sick all night? Oh, shit I already did that. Should I resort to my typical Saturday night activity and “Cyber Bully” the shit out of some unsuspecting chat room users? Ahh, that’s getting a little boring. Any new hot juicy news about that she-devil Hannah Montana? Nope, she’s still just livin’ the dream.

Finally, a light bulb went on above my head. Not a figurative one, but a literal one after I turned on the switch in the room I was sitting in. Instantly, I realized that I needed to write about the Super Bowl. HOWEVA, I didn’t feel like making any predictions, discussing Gaygate, or boring you with anything that was directly related to the game in any way, shape, or form. So, I began searching the intrawebs. Soon I found a story that was at least mildly entertaining. It just so happened that the story was about the dangers of double dipping chips.

A Clemson study found that the “double dip” turns your Super Bowl salsa bowl into a bacteria infested cesspool. Really, groody I know, but I’m seriously concerned about the health of our faithful-though sometimes gutless- readers. Here’s the scoop:

“Every time a bitten cracker went back into the bowl, hundreds, even thousands of bacterial cells went in with it. In the real world, if you have a dip there, you're probably going to have more than one person dipping into that dip bowl. It could be a big party. You have a lot of people dipping. So every time someone dips they're inoculating that many cells into the dip."

Wow, so I guess you’re getting Mike’s flu and Erin’s herpes flare up along with that little bit of Mexican goodness. Hopefully, you’ll be on the lookout for double dippers and have the courtesy to restrain from making that brazen second dip yourself.

Don’t worry if this article seemed to confuse you. It was the writer’s objective.

Matt Arrowhead

Absurd

2008-02-02T05:33:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer:Though the picture might suggest otherwise, I was really pissed about the story I read.

“You shouldn’t do anything unless you’re willing to put forth 100% effort.”

I’ve heard that line hundreds of times throughout my life. Well, you know what, I think that line is complete bullshit. I’ve done a bunch of shit at less than 100%, and usually it’s pretty decent. I just hope that sentiment of mine will apply to this article I’m about to write because, honestly, I’d be lying if I said even 1% effort was given to its creation.

So you have one of two options:

Stop reading this article right now.
Continue reading this article and realize that you are probably a bigger loser than me; considering you know how stupid this thing is going to be and still continue to read.

Haha, so you choose option #2, I see. You are a bigger loser than me. Anyway, I read a little article today about two suicide bombings at Pet Markets in Iraq. Anytime I read about one of these, I get frustrated because I realize how ridiculous this world is. However, frustration is usually where it ends. I don’t attach any emotion to the events. Frankly, doing so would be entirely too taxing on myself, and because I’m selfish, I don’t want to have to deal with it.

However, the bombing today was extra sickening because the suicide bombers used were actually mentally handicapped women, who probably had no idea what they were doing.
The two women went into a crowded area of Baghdad, with bombs strapped to their bodies (unbeknownst to them), and killed 91 Iraqis. Some asshole had a detonator and activated it once the mentally retarded women entered the targeted pet markets. I guess this type of thing shouldn’t surprise me, but I was under the assumption that most of the people who perpetrated these heinous acts were “religious zealots who were willing to die for their ultimate cause”. Though the idea that people were actually willing to kill themselves for their cause frightened me, it wasn’t nearly as defeating as this story.

Now, we have big time vaginas committing terrorist acts, who aren’t even willing to die for their own cause. In fact, they are such cowards that they have to strap bombs to innocent, mentally challenged people and have those people carry out their dirty work. Really, what’s next?

I’d even have trouble faking mental retardation to get to the front of a line. Sadly however, it seems like a good idea. Really, check out this scene from Curb.

Hey, it’s pretty ridiculous, but sometimes you gotta laugh (as cliche as it may sound). If not, the absurdity of some folks would absolutely eat away at you.

Matt Arrowhead

Blind Luck

2008-02-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

Leo Fiyalko, a 92 year old man from Clearwater, Florida, hit his very first hole-in-one yesterday at Cove Cay Country Club. Miraculously, he aced the 110 yd Par 3 hole with a 5 iron.

Leo’s not only “creepy old, he’s legally blind as well. Honestly, I’m really happy for him, but my biggest accomplishment over the last 24 hours was successfully eating cereal with a fork, so I’m also a little jealous and depressed. We at Log’s Blog think that Leo might be full of sh*t. In fact, this is what we foresee happening if Leo ever has to testify about this hole-in-one of his. (Law and Order Style)

Sockless’ Cross Examination:

Sockless: "So, you’re feeling pretty full of yourself, aren’t you Mr. Leo Fiyalko.”

Leo: "Why, yes I am! But, I’m a little sad. I’ve been playing golf for the last 60 years. I finally hit my first hole-in-one, and I wasn't even able to see it.”

Sockless: “Well thank you very much for stating the obvious Mr. Fiyalko. You didn’t see it go in…HA…You probably couldn’t even see a shade of green that late January day. My only question is this: How do you know your shot actually went in? You could have put the ball 200 yards in the woods and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Isn’t that right? Did you hear the ball hit the bottom of the cup? You must have one king kong-like hearing aid if that’s what happened. My bet is that you’ve been trying to hit a hole-in-one for the last sixty plus years, due to time constrictions and desperation, you completely made the whole shot up to make one last headline before you kicked the bucket. Isn’t that right Mr. Fiyalko? You’re a weak, helpless old man. I would think that you can’t even take a piss without someone pointing your wrinkly old cock’n’balls in the right direction. Did you even go golfing that fateful day? How much are you paying people to testify that you did indeed hit a hole-in-one?

Judge Ito: "Sockless, you’re badgering the witness!"

Sockless: “Sorry your honor… Lastly I would like to know who in their right mind goes golfing with a blind guy? They can’t drive the cart, they never know what club there picking out of their bag, they can never find their ball, and you always have to be watching them in case they fall in a pond or some shit. It’s called “Golf”, not “Walk around all day pissed off because some old, blind jackass is slowing down your round.”

Leo: “I have witnesses. They helped me pull my five iron out of the bag and watched as the ball went in the hole. Blind luck I guess.”

Sockless: Blind luck, huh? So, I see you’re smug and condescending as well. Give me a break. You might have well said you hit a 110 yard hole-in-one with your putter. That plaque hanging on that Florida country club wall to commemorate your historic achievement is a lie! Something stinks here. I want the truth! And yes Mr. Fiyalko……I can handle the truth. Nothing further.”

Sockless Dilemma

Judah Tops Mayweather

2008-01-31T14:49:00.000-05:00

Two years ago, when Zab Judah and Floyd Mayweather fought, it got ugly. There were low blows and riots in the ring, but in the end Pretty Boy escaped with his undefeated record in tact, scoring a unanimous decision.

But this time around it was Judah scoring the decisive victory--proving that although Mayweather may be the better fighter, Zab really knows how to make it rain. While partying at Prive nightclub in Planet Hollywood, Mayweather bought three magnums of Perrier Jouet Rose which apparently run at two grand apiece. He also threw $5000 into the crowd for his own personal enjoyment. Pretty impressive, Pretty Boy.

But Judah was not about to be bested by Mayweather for the second time in a row. He topped him by purchasing 50 bottles of Dom, at a thousand a pop, for a grand total of $50,000 (aren't you glad you have me to do the math for you?). Sweet Jesus, we have a new world champion. Ladies and gentleman, Zab Judah.

Punch Drunk

Puppy Bowl: Part Quatre

2008-01-31T09:14:00.000-05:00

Le Cheff wanted a Puppy Bowl IV write-up with expert analysis and picks, but I didn’t think that was acceptable until our readers understood exactly what the Puppy Bowl is, and why it will one day pass the Super Bowl in ratings, fan fare, and excitement.

You see, Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl combines all of those things we typically equate with good in life. It’s got the puppies, which are obviously very cute (even if sometimes too rambunctious for me), as well as jazz music, bountiful amounts of water, toys, the Kitten Bowl halftime show, tailgate exclusives, poop/pee, and of course the water cam bowl - all in HD for the first time ever!

Get out. The Puppy Bowl was cool enough when it was on regular cable, but this added bonus of HD just puts PB IV on another level. Plus, renowned NFL Films announcer Harry Kalas will handle the play-by-play for the mega event; breaking down the pups, in all their puptasticness, from the moment they enter the sold out arena. Ya, I know, I'm excited too.

It seems like the Puppy Bowl producers have set a 3 month age limit for the pups, so that means many of the past fan favorites like Barry the Poodle (PB II), the siblings Bomber, Buster, and Buffy (PB III), and Quesadilla (PB III) will not be returning. However, we’ll never forget their never say die attitudes and courage in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

From the looks of it, the new cast of characters will provide some of the same great theatrics that the old celebrity-pups have made us come to expect.

Some Puppy Bowl IV players include:

Attucker, a Beagle
Finnigan, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Bichon Frise mix
Jack the Labrador mix
Jack the Miniature Dachshund
Jackson, a West Highland Terrier
Janet, a Bull Terrier mix
Kodiak, a Rottweiler/Lab mix
Rascal, a Border Collie mix
Raven, a Beagle/Miniature Pinscher mix
Scuba, a Mixed-breed dog

Who names their dog Janet? It’s an animal, not a 45 year old elementary school teacher.

I’ll make one prediction now; I think Kodiak is the next star to come out of the Puppy Bowl. Attucker, Jack the Lab, Raven, Jackson, and Scuba all seem to be formidable as well. I might come back with an injury report and some odds tomorrow, but for now, enjoy the clip. (Watch it. It’s only 1:30min long and it’s a joke):

Finally, it’s that time of the year. After months of waiting and anticipation, the big game is upon us. Media day is over, and the athletes are left to focus on the task at hand. They take the field on Sunday at 3:00pm, and the Bowl runs for three hours. I can’t wait.

Matthew D. Arrowhead

Puppy Bowl

Clipper Darrell Soon to be Maverick Darrell?

2008-01-31T06:54:00.000-05:00

Mark Cuban just had a meeting with that guy. Ya, the one in the above picture. Cuban wants him to work for the Mavericks.

That guy is Darrell Bailey, known to many NBA fans, owners, and players as “Clipper Darrell”. He has been a loyal LAC fan for the last 25 or so odd years. Hmm, well maybe not. I’m not actually sure how long he’s been a fan of the team. Quite honestly, I just made that number up. I’m just surprised they found one.

To most Clipper fans-who haven’t went “barrel to the mouth”- he is that annoying guy who won’t shut the fuck up when other people are trying to enjoy themselves and concentrate on the game. He does the same bullshit all annoying fans do, you know, like starting obnoxious chants and embarrassing himself during “live halftime performances”. Basically, he just makes a giant ass out of himself every time he shows up at a game. He’s been to over 280 consecutive Clipper’s home games, and I’d venture to guess he’s wore that absurd Red/Blue suit getup to every one.

Chances it’s been washed more than 3 times = very minimal.

Chances the song he uses during his halftime performances is “My Hump” by the Black Eyed Peas = very likely .

Chances his car looks like a clown mobile = well you decide:

Anyway, for some reason Mavericks owner Cuban was impressed with Darrell when he heard him yelling and yearning for attention at a Clipper’s game. Reportedly, Cuban quickly acted and offered Darrell a job to sell out and cheer for Dallas. There is no word yet as to whether or not Darrell is going to become a full time Mavericks fan. It’s bad enough athletes can go from team to team but now franchises are competing over obnoxious fans too. What a kick in the dick?

If a billionaire offered me a hundred grand to go cheer for the Mavs and watch basketball, I would definitely go do it. The Clippers, on the other hand, would have to offer me a couple million, and more importantly, Sam Cassell would have to contractually agree to allow me sit on his lap during all time-outs. Cassell would also have to give me Eskimo kisses on demand and would be forbidden to smile throughout the season; excluding teammate’s birthdays of course. Everyone deserves to smile on a birthday.

People have been expressing their opinions via Darrell’s myspace page:

“Make dat money”

“You can be a Clipper fan at heart and a Mav fan for the $....make dat money”

“If you leave you will be public enemy #1”

A celebrity was even asked what they thought about the Clip D situation:

“I’m Jack Nicholson, who the fuck is He. I want the truth!! Make dat money”~Jack

Written By Sockless Dilemma

Clipper Darrell's Myspace Page

Clipper Darrell's Web Site

Dallas Mavericks News

Shocking, Breaking News!!

2008-01-30T20:13:00.001-05:00

Oh my god, I can't believe what I just read! But really, who would have predicted this!?

Brett Farve isn't sure if he's going to be returning to the Green Bay Packers next year. Before the Green Bay loss to the Giants, Favre hinted that he would be coming back, but now says he's going to mull it over for a few weeks- which means we'll probably be waiting at least 4-5 months before we have a decision from the clown- and that's if were lucky.

Here's what the Ole' Gunslinga had to say:

"The game the other day will not play into my decision making. I'm not going to let one game affect my future one way or another. I think it's more whether I'm willing to go through the journey and the ups and downs. What if we start 4-0? Great. What if we start 0-4? Then how will I react? Do I want to put in the time in the off-season to prepare? That will decide it more than anything else."

This quote was taken from Favre over the last couple days, but really I could have pulled an exact replica from some ESPN archives across the last 3 years. I gotta go. I’m running to CVS for a barf bag or Walmart for a pistol.

Matt Arrowhead

Problem with Balls in Africa

2008-01-30T10:40:00.001-05:00

Blame it on the balls. So says South Africa’s goalkeeper Moeneeb Joseph’s who’s competing with his fellow countrymen at the African Nations Cup. The Cup, hosted by Ghana in four cities, includes teams throughout Africa- which makes sense as it is called the African Nations Cup.

Anyway, the Adidas ball being used in competition has Josephs and other goalies in the tournament upset. The ball is multi-colored - making it look uber-cool- but supposedly it’s producing weird spin that makes it very difficult for goalies to stop. 58 goals have been scored in 18 games, and the article mentions that many of the goals have been scored on long distance strikes.

Josephs has been a Negative Nancy about the whole thing, saying:

“ It's the ball's movement that's the problem. You're expecting it to do one thing and then it does something totally different, which is hard for a goalkeeper because you're going in one direction and it changes direction in mid-air. It makes goalkeepers look like idiots. It isn't that the guys have been scoring good goals; it's the ball which has been making the guys look good.”

I remember there were some similar issues with an Adidas ball during the ’06 World Cup. There, just like at this completion, many of the goalies complained that the ball was acting unpredictably. The ball being used was one that didn’t have as many panels as a traditional soccer ball. The lower number of panels meant fewer seams on the ball, which lead to decreased spin. edit: I had a little bit of an explanation that was literally 100% opposite of what's actually true. Proving once again that I don't think when I write, and end up thoroughly embarrassing myself in the process.

Ok, I’m done explaining that. If you don’t understand, you’re stupid. Anyway, that could be the problem that’s currently afflicting the goalies at the African Nation Cup or it could be the fact that the multi-color ball is “kind of trippy” and most likely putting the goalies into a very peaceful, yet highly ineffective, trance. Really, check this thing out.

I stared at it too long the first time I looked at it, and I was jolted by my forehead smacking the keyboard.

Matt Arrowhead

http://www.thestar.co.za/index.php?fArticleId=4229274

photocourtesy of wikipedia.

Fellas, Fellas, Fellas Here is the "Shutterbugs" clip

2008-01-30T08:22:00.001-05:00

Ok, ok I know this clip is old and many of you have already seen it, but those who haven't deserve the Bobbe J experience. It is, without a doubt, the funniest skit I've ever seen.

Just to give you a little background, the clip is about two agents who work for a children's talent agency called "Shutterbugs". The two men Bill and Samir produced a move titled "Lil' 9/11" that flopped in the box office after one of the child actors staring in the movie as Lil' Osama had his kneecap smashed. Their boss is pissed off, and they have to go in for a meeting with him.... and that is where the skit gets completely ridiculous.

Matt Arrowhead

Chris Lofton Says, "3-pointer I just want to hold you all night long. I don't care who knows it, or if society will accept our love. I Heart you!"

2008-01-30T06:46:00.000-05:00

Basketball purists hate Tennessee guard Chris Lofton with unrelenting passion. They want to strip him of his manhood in front of everyone he loves and trusts. To them 3-pointers are repugnant, and Lofton-because he shoots so many- makes them sick.

Every headline for the Tennessee men’s basketball team seems to read one of two ways.
“Lofton’s 3-point Barrage Lifts Vols to Win”
or

“Lofton Can’t Find Mark From Deep as Vols Lose”

Lofton loves shooting 3-pointers. In fact in a recent interview he responded with “I’d quit and move to St. Louis” when asked what he’d do if the NCAA abolished the 3-point arc. It almost seems like Chris is delusional and thinks there's a burning tar pit inside the 3-point stripe. He refuses to enter.

Another possibility is this -that Lofton hates 2-pointers and doesn’t have any other alternative on the basketball court. Did 2-pointers sleep with his girlfriend or call his mother a whore? Did they steal his lunch money growing up or give him swirlies every day at recess? I don’t know, but his obsession with 3-pointers has to come from somewhere.

Only 11 players in the NCAA attempt more 3-pointers per game than Lofton. And, most of these guys are from smaller schools that- if I really think about it-probably don’t even exist. Robert Vayden is the only name that pops out on the list, but he plays at UAB, so ya, nevermind. Not one other player from a power conference shoots more 3's on average.

Sadly, 10 of the 11 guys that do shoot more 3's than Lofton also shoot at a higher percentage. But guess what, the madness doesn’t end there. Really, it’s just beginning.

Here’s Some Stats:

Lofton has shot 168 3-pointers this year through 19 games. He’s only taken a total of 225 shots, which means 3-point attempts account for 75% of his shots.

He’s made 83 field goals this year. 61 of those field goals have been three pointers, so 73% all of his makes are 3’s.

He has 276 points total, and 183 of those points have come off 3’s. So, 66% of his scoring output is from 3-point makes.

When you add free throws to the equation, only 17% of his baskets are from 2-point buckets.

He shoots 8.8 threes a game. Moreover, Tennessee has blown out around 3-4 teams where Lofton’s only played anywhere between 22-26 minutes. In fact, he’s on pace to shoot 20 more threes than he did last year when he chucked up 253 three point attempts.

Currently, he is average 14.5 ppg and shooting a meek 36% from 3-point land, compared to last year when he averaged 20.8 pp and shoot 42% from the three point strip.

He averages just a little over 2 apg.

So, Chris is struggling this year, but that hasn’t stopped him from shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting, and shooting. Usually a guard like Lofton will get at least one easy bucket from a fast break steal or a leak out, but only 17% of his points are coming from 2’s, so he must shoot-threes even on breakaways where no defender is in front of him. Wow, how annoying would he be in a pick-up game at the local rec. center?

Maybe Lofton's love of 3's is actually more of an obsession. A sick and never ending 3-point addiction that will ultimately end in bloodshed, the destruction of 2 third world countries, and a pandemic of some sort. We can never be sure what's on the horizon when love takes a fatal turn.We can only pray and hope that the young man gets help before its too late.

Note: Last night, Lofton hit 5 threes on his way to 23 points in a 93-86 victory over Alabama.

Matt Arrowhead

"The I'm A Dork Who Actually pulls information into a Spreadsheet" Spreadsheet

Photo Courtesy of View Image.

Information on spreadsheet courtesy of ESPN.COM aka the Worldwide Leader in Sports Entertainment, Fun, Excitement, Math, Spelling, Random Fun Facts, and Hanky Panky.

Just Waiting for the Regular Season to End

2008-01-30T01:41:00.001-05:00

Among my many problems with the National Basketball Association is the length of the season. The definition of ‘grueling’ in some countries is viewed as ‘eighty-two games of basketball spread out over five and a half months.’ I would be mailing in games too if my playoff position was relatively known and we were playing game fifty-seven on the road in Toronto.

Not only do the players legitimately not care, most casual fans don’t even know what the hell is going on around the midpoint of the season. If you asked me the Cavs’ record right now, I would just shrug my shoulders and reply “they’re in good position to make the playoffs.” That’s probably how the players feel, too. So here are a couple of alternatives that my naïve mind has come up with to fixing this problem in the NBA:

1. Cut the season down to around sixty games.

Or

2. Cut the amount of playoff teams down to six per conference.

Or

3. Do both. I can’t decide if this would be a good idea or not yet.

At risk of looking like an idiot for going out of order, I’ll start with #2. Can you imagine the chaos that would be going on in the West if only six teams could make the playoffs? Every team would have to play their ass off in every game to keep their playoff hopes alive. That’s pretty much the only reason it would be a good idea, because it would maintain the grueling level of the length of the season.

That said, I like option #1 the best. This would probably bring the length of the season down to about 4 months. With that few games, players have to legitimately worry about every game coming into play regarding their playoff hopes. Why do you think the NFL works so well? Every game matters, there’s only one per week, so there’s a better chance that that particular game will affect your teams’ playoff hopes and/or seed. If someone at any point during the NFL season asked me what the Browns’ record was, I would immediately rattle it off, because it matters week in and week out what happens. Also, this gives those bottom-of-the-barrel-lottery-teams less time to realize that they’re horrendous and that they need to start tanking to improve their lottery ball status.

So next time someone asks you what your NBA team’s record is, just tell them you’re waiting for the playoffs to start because the regular season is pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

(DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that this would never fly because the owners would shit a brick over the lost ticket sales)

Eli's Journal: (1/22/08) - (1/29/08)

2008-01-29T09:46:00.000-05:00

Tuesday (1/22/08):

Dear Journal:

Oh shucks, I only got a few hours of sleep last night. I was up until 4am watching film of Tom Brady. Ssshhh, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been watching those TMZ videos of Tom wearing that boot cast thing and hanging out with that tall skinny foreign girl. He’s gosh darn lucky I tell ya. I can’t even talk to girls unless I’m buzzing off a couple Miller High Lifes.

Man, if Mom knew I drank, she would kill me! I’m just glad I have you to talk to.

Wednesday (1/23/08):

Journal,

I can’t talk to Daddy or Pey about nothin’ because I don’t want them to think I’m a weakling. For years, it’s always been the same with those two buttholes. They’re always saying “Eli’s like his mom. He’s quite, has jealous tendencies, and cries easily.”

I’m so sick of being picked on. I wish I could be like Tom Brady. He seems like he’s suave. I bet no one in his family picks on him. Heck, I’m from the south! I’m the one who should be walking around in Cowboy boots.

Oh crap journal, it’s 9:30 ! If I don’t make it to Giant’s Stadium by 10:00am, Straham’s gonna make me rub down his thighs again. Gotta jet.

Thursday (1/24/08):

Mr. Journal,

Hah, I love calling you that!

Practice today was borrring, and really, really cold. Maybe I should have shut up and stuck it out in San Diego. But journal, you have to understand that I’ve never been to Mexico before, and I heard Americans aren’t treated right over there. Plus, I’d be far away from Mommy, and sometimes I need to see her when I’m feelin’ down in the dumps. That reminds me, I haven’t called her yet today. She’s probably gettin' nervous. Gotta scram, but I’ll be thinking about you!

Friday (1/25/08):

You know how I told you and everyone that the cold weather in Green Bay didn’t affect me last week? Well, I was lying. My tootsie was freezin’ cold! Christ, I just wish the fellows on the team and that meany- pie Tom Coughlin weren’t all about being tough all the time. I’m just a boy from the South and sometimes I get cold. I just heard that the weather in Arizona was all crummy this week. I might have to bring my blankie, so I’m sure to stay warm.

Saturday (1/26/08):

Hey you!,

Just another day of watching film at practice. Coach let us out a little early, so I came back and caught up on some episodes of the Andy Griffith show. I’m so bored in New York. Pey called me and was trying to give me advice about the Super Bowl, but I don’t listen to that big dummy....(Everyone tells me that I look like Pey, but I hope not. I think he's ugggllyy, haha!)

I’m getting nervous about flying to Arizona. I hate those big flyin’ cars more than anyone. I think I’m gunna try to hitch a ride to the game with John Madden.

Why can’t we just ride there in a big bus, anyway? I know I’m supposed to keep my cell phone turned off when I’m in the air, but I’m gunna keep it on while we fly out there. I usually sneak in the bathroom and call Mom to calm me down. The guys are always telling me that I need someone else in the bathroom with me if I want to join the Mile High Club, but I don’t know what they mean. Heck, we’re all part of the 1,000 Mile High club when we’re up there flying in that big car. Those city-slickers say some crazy things to me sometimes, but I know they love me.

Sorry, I’m rambling again, I’ll write again tomorrow. :-)

Sunday (1/27/08):

My only friend,

Gotta be brief. I had a horrible dream last night. I woke up covered in sweat and kept my head under the blankets for 10 minutes. I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately about those Vrabel and Harrison characters. I’ll just tell ya right now those guys are major league butt heads.

In my dream, Harrison gave me a wedgie during media day, and I saw Vrabel making out with my mom up in the stands. I don’t know if I can deal with this pressure anymore. How am I gonna be able to shake that dream when I see Vrabel and Harrison on the older side of the ball yellin’ stuff at me during the game?

If it wasn’t for you and Mom, I’d have no one to talk to Journal. Thanks for bein’ a pal.

Tuesday (1/29/08):

Mr. Journal AKA “Mr. Always there for me”,

Sorry, I didn’t write yesterday Journal. Really, I am.

I left you in New York and had to have you sent overnight via FedEx. Don’t worry, I had you locked up, and keep the key in my shoe at all times, so nobody read anything on your pages.

We got into Arizona, and I’ve been a busy beaver. I got my haircut and ate at the In-n-Out. They make some gooood burgers. I haven’t been invited to any parties out here yet, but I got a nice pair of new PJ’s anyway, so I’m kinda lookin’ forward to hanging out in my room, eating ice cream, and gettin to bed early.

That Bill Bellicick is a fart, but he makes me nervous. I walked by him today, and felt like I was almost gonna pee my pants. Sometimes, I just wish we would have lost that game to the Packers. Those guys in Las Vegas who make all of those bettin’ things think we are gunna get our butts kicked anyway. Honestly Journal, I’m beginning to think that as well.

I’ll try to keep you updated, but if I’m not able to, just remember it’s because I’m busy.

Sorry again.

Matt Arrowhead

Crazy People: Why must you act so crazy?

2008-01-29T08:08:00.000-05:00

I don’t really have too much to say. Things are slow and boring right now, but I’m trying to follow through with my 30 articles. Whenever there isn’t anything to talk about, I almost instantly go on a long rant about things I find completely mind-blowing. Sometimes the rant is about a fashion trend that borders on absurdity. Sometimes it’s about politics or sports. Sometimes it’s about something as stupid as annoying people habits. Invariably, the rant starts with “I hate it when”, “I hate it how”, or “I hate (Insert name of person)”. Today is no exception to the rule. There’s is nothing worth writing about, so here it goes.

I hate it when insane people do ridiculous things, especially to children. Usually, you don’t have to look too far to find stories that fit the mold. Then again, there are over 6 billion people living on the earth, so statistically, it makes a lot of sense.

A few weeks ago I stumbled across an article about a man who had killed, mutilated, filleted, and then cooked his girlfriend’s body parts after a domestic dispute. Not only that, he called the cops to let them know that his victim’s ear lobe was boiling in some water and a plate covered in human flesh was sitting on his kitchen table. What a gentleman? Oh, and I guess a fork was on the table too, because we all know human flesh isn’t “finger food.”

Around the same time, a story came out about another one of those women “with a history of mental illness” who killed her four daughters because they were “possessed by demons.” Autopsies on the children revealed that they had probably been dead since May of last year. I can’t even tell you how many of these stories I’ve read over the last 5 years and just like everyone else, the same “What in the flying fuck was that crazy person thinking?” thought crosses my mind every time I hear one.

Earlier today I read a story about a woman being charged with the murder of her baby. Police are claiming the baby died after being put in a microwave and nuked like a TV dinner. She claims she was drunk and doesn’t remember anything about the night the baby died. Most people get black out drunk and pee in a corner, on something expensive that isn’t theirs, or on someone they’re actually quite found of. This woman got drunk and put her baby in a microwave. I’m just glad I haven’t been around any infants while drinking heavily.

I am constantly shaking my head in amazement as I read these stories. To say they leave me completely bemused would be a gross understatement, but I can’t think of a word that’s descriptive and powerful enough to put it in better perspective for people. I really just don’t get it.

These stories are even more surprising because, many times, the people acting so insane don’t have a criminal record or anything in their past that would indicate something like this was coming. I guess that’s what makes the stories so shocking. Does something trigger such activity? Is it just a momentary lapse in reason regained only seconds too late after the act is done? Do these people have some inherent flaw that’s just destined to surface eventually? What is the thought process leading up to the actually undertaking of the insane activity, and I guess more interesting, what is the person thinking as they are actually carrying it out?

I really don’t know. To be able to step into someone’s mind during those insane moments, and get a glimpse into the pure chaos and absolute irrationality they produce, would be awesome only because you’d be able to comprehend how/why people do the incomprehensible.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by what I’m saying. When someone posses the age old question, “if you could have one superpower what would it be?” I undoubtedly respond by saying it would be the ability to read someone else’s mind. Oh, and to the people who choose a super-power like flying or being invisible, you’re all idiots. Psychological-super powers kick Physical super-powers’ asses any day of the week. If you want to fly, get on a plane. If you want to be invisible, set up one of those tiny cameras in a room or go out and by some camouflage gear.

Anyway, if I were able to understand what these people were thinking, my life would make more sense. I wouldn’t have to bitch and moan about things I don’t understand. More importantly, I’d never again have to shake my head in disbelief when I hear one of these whack ball stories.

Just a few minutes ago I read another story about a 24-yr old who was sentenced to four years in prison for using a Stun gun two times on his 18 month old kid. The man supposedly was trying to make his soon tough, so that he would become the best “cage fighter of all time”. Please, someone explain to me how this makes sense.

Here’s the Stun Gun Clip:

I assure you that this post wasn’t written after watching an episode of Dr. Phil. In fact, his show is probably responsible for 60-70% of the insanity I’m talking about. The big, bald goof-ball really makes people go batty. Anyway, I’m done ranting, but here’s a little advice:

If you ever have an insane thought cross your mind just give some one a call. However, make sure it’s not me. I really hate talking on the phone and my minutes are always too high as is. Just kidding….kind of.

Matt Arrowhead

Remembering the Starter Jacket Sweetness

2008-01-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

I didn’t know that Nike dabbled in sporting brands that were cool 15-20 years ago, but it would appear that way with their acquisition of Umbro and sale of Starter this past weekend. One of my friends told me that Umbro was still a popular brand, but I haven’t seen anyone wearing a pair of Sambas in at least 12 years, so I’m a obviously a little skeptical.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that the Starter brand has been in the shit hole for a long, long time.I think an anti-Starter Getsapo-type group went out at night, collected all of the Starter jackets, and mercilessly destroyed them right around 1995 or 1996. Literally, jackets just disappeared overnight without one question being asked by a single person. Pretty typical of us lazy Americans who aren't willing to fight for the good things in life. I'm disgusted and a little hurt. It’s just too bad that weird guy from Unsolved Mysteries passed away . He could have shed some light on the Starter Jacket mystery or, at the very least, talked in that really creepy voice that made you sleep with the hallway light on.

The jackets were so cool in elementary and middle school. The team colors, the sleek design, and that little pouch in the front of the jacket that you could keep snacks and/or drugs in really made them memorable. Really, how could you beat it? In my neck of the woods, the most popular jackets were those of the Irish, the Chicago teams, and the Pacers (distant 3^rd).

However, sometimes you’d have the kids who’d try to one up everyone else on the playground with a team jacket nobody else had seen before. There were also the kids that wore the Cowboy or 49er jackets only because the teams were popular at the time. Oh, how about the toolish kid who wore the Florida Gators jacket only because he liked the team colors? He was always easiest to mock. Then there was the kid wearing a Blackhawks jacket who provided everyone with just enough proof that hockey did in fact still exist. Lastly, I can’t leave out the one tomboy who’d be wearing her older brother’s jacket and dominating the recess touch football game. She’d always end up injuring me somehow.

Basically, you weren’t cool unless you had a Starter jacket in grade school. They really added some "street cred". One of my worst nightmares was showing up to school after Christmas break with my new Bulls starter jacket only to see a kid a year older than me with the exact same one on. Boy, did I have to hold back the tears that day.

I’m going to be on e-bay all day looking for a new one. I think we can all agree that the red Bull’s jacket, without question, was the coolest one of all time. Don’t agree with me? I’ll meet you out in the parking lot during recess.

Matt Arrowhead

"Luke's Gettin' Kicked Off the Team"- Luke

2008-01-27T10:04:00.000-05:00

Luke Caperelli, a 19 year old back-up RB at Wake Forest, has been kicked off his football team after making terrorism threats on his personal Facebook page.

Typically, the Facebook is a place where high schoolers and collegiate folk share messages, post on walls, “poke” each other, and stalk those members of the opposite sex who are much more attractive then they are, but Mr. Caperelli wasn’t having any of that. He thought poking friends and tagging people in photos was BORRRRING.

Instead, his page was filled with quotes (all written in third person) suggesting he wanted to “blow up campus” and that he had an Uzi submachine gun that was “locked and loaded in his bag”.

The third person quotes never get old. Luke should have been a little more comical with some of his quotes, maybe then people would have realized he was just being a goofster. You know, something like “Luke is gettin’ angry. Luke’s got a big ole gun in his bag. Luke wants to kill innocent people. Luke is an idiot for typing all of this stuff on his profile that hundreds of people will be looking at.”

I really don't think any of the non-sense on his page was serious. He has cooperated with the police, and they haven’t found anything on his computer or in his dorm room that would suggest he actually considered taking down the school. He probably just has a sick sense of humor, but come on, he has to be a pretty big idiot for putting this shit up on a page that everyone has access to.

As I was interviewing for jobs last year, I was told by my business placement office that I should remove all information and images from my Facebook account that might be offensive and damaging. Immediately, I went home and deleted everything on my profile. Hell, I wouldn’t want the interviewers to know about my secret ties to the KGB or have them see those “racy” pics of me, in my tighty whities, being fed grapes by an albino hooker from Romania (who I’m 95% sure roofied me.) :-( I just had this feeling that the recruiters from the accounting firms I was interviewing with wouldn’t appreciate my version of a party.

Kidding aside, Luke should have removed his “version of a party” from the profile. Instead, he’s been kicked off the team, doesn’t have a scholarship, and might be facing criminal charges.
What a dumb-dumb? I’m just hoping I can find Osama’s facebook profile; it’d be the easiest 25 million bucks anyone’s ever made. Well, assuming he’d accept my friendship of course.

SI Article

Matt Arrowhead

Vote KJ in '08!

2008-01-26T23:13:00.000-05:00

Sacramento mayor Heather Fargo might face some tough competition in the city’s upcoming mayoral race from none other than former NBA point guard Kevin Johnson. Johnson, best known for this dunk over Hakeem Olajuwon in the 1994 NBA Playoffs, is consdisering a run at office and will make his decision known to the public soon.

Fargo’s bid for a third term wasn’t expected to face any real competition, so this news has to have her saying, “FUCK!”. I’m pretty sure mayors do absolutely nothing, so it’s gotta suck when someone tries to take the ultimate “sit around all day and act busy” job away.

Not sure if a couple big dunks over NBA centers are enough to get one elected, but really, in this day and age, anything is possible. Jesse “The Body” Ventura was governor of Minnesota for four years, and Arnold Schwarzenegger currently runs the biggest state in the country, so Johnson has to like his chances. I mean he, unlike “the Body” and the Terminator , at least knows how to add and subtract.

David Townsend, a pollster from Sacramento, says Johnson would be the favorite if he decides to enter the race. Johnson’s name recognition and endorsements from local celebs and business people would mean national exposure and money; two things that are hard to beat. So, it seems like it would make sense for Kevin, and really, what else does he have to do anyway?

Like anyone who’s vying for a political seat, Johnson has already faced criticism from detractors in the Sacramento and LA areas. Here's a couple:

”The local teachers union has railed against Johnson since his nonprofit, St. HOPE Corp., took over Sacramento High School in 2002 and turned it into a charter school. Some parents were enraged by the change and sued Sacramento City Unified for approving it.

Meanwhile, some Oak Park residents are demanding Johnson follow through with renovation plans for several decaying properties he owns in that community. Half his properties there have been cited for code violations in the past decade.”

So KJ’s a slum lord who’s trying to undermine our public education system, huh? Sounds like he’d be perfect for political office.

Matt Arrowhead

Pipe Down Priests

2008-01-25T03:25:00.000-05:00

“Pipe down already. Put your instruments away and stop fucking screaming. God damn it, if these hooligans don’t shut up I’m going to go down there and wring some necks.”

Usually, this line is mumbled by an angry parent at 11:00 pm after a son’s basement band practice just passed the three hour mark and shows no signs of stopping. Now, it’s being mumbled by residents living above the Vatican soccer fields in Rome.

Last year the Vatican kicked off the Clericus Cup which is a soccer tournament for priests and seminarians living in Vatican City. Dozens of teams are involved in the priestly tournament; all going after the elusive Cup and the peer mocking it ensures.

The priests are spirited and so are their supporters. In fact, the teams “are cheered on by fellow men of the cloth with drums, rattles and even trumpets.” Wow, I didn’t know priests knew how to party, play instruments, or kick a soccer ball for that matter, so this comes a as a big surprise to me.

Complaints started coming in a few weeks ago from angry Vatican residents who said the players and their raucous fans needed to pipe down. Being thoughtful, The Vatican informed the priests they needed to hush up. I can’t think of anything funnier than the Pope scolding all of his rambunctious priests for their irreverent behavior. These angry residents should be careful though; last week a record three red cards were given during competition.

Pope Benedict is supposed to attend one of the matches before the tournament ends. Hopefully, he’ll throw on some shin guards and step into goal for a half. On second thought maybe not, I think he’s made out of cloth and stuffed with cotton.

I wonder if the teams were able to pick their own names for the tournament. You know, like those clever and usually perverted team names people stew up during collegiate intramurals? A couple funny ones popped into my head instantly, but really “Pullin the Pope” or the more subtle “We pull for Onan” take the cake easily.

And you thought priests weren’t hip? Shame on you.

Matt Arrowhead

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=85556

No Way Jose

2008-01-24T07:43:00.000-05:00

(Picture Courtesy of Viewimages)

I’ve been on this computer so long that “Little Miss Wrong” by the Spin Doctors has made it onto my play list and it just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to use a can opener, so I should probably be getting to bed soon….but I promised 30 articles in 30 days, and as a man of my word, by golly I’m going to do it. I apologize in advance for this article about the shit stain that is Jose Conseco, but really this is nothing else to talk about.

Conseco is in the news again after attempting to extort Detroit Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez. Supposedly, Jose is writing a follow-up to his first book “Juiced” that is going to be hitting book stores by the start of the MLB season. The book, just like the first, will “name names”, accomplish nothing, make this idiot a bunch of money, and prove that God doesn’t love me as much as He should.

Reports suggest that Jose has attempted to contact Ordonez numerous times to discuss a deal. The two played together during a small part of the ’01 season as teammates with the White Sox, and Jose says he has some dirt on Ordonez.

In exchange for keeping Ordonez out of the book, Jose wants Magglio to invest in a movie project he has in the works. Allegedly, the project is a documentary that Jose himself is producing. Oh, and if you didn’t already guess, its’ about steroids. Jose needs to raise money for the project. Certainly, he doesn’t have any of his own or any friends who would be willing to help him out, so he’s resorted to extortion. Alas, Jose has really messed this one up for himself. What more could the book reveal about Ordonez? We now know Jose is accusing Magglio of using steroids, and that’s all the book could really say anyway, so why would Ordonez give him money to keep his name out of the book?

You’d think Jose might have a little money from his first book stashed away in a piggy bank somewhere, but my buddy out here in LA has seen Jose playing at a low limit poker game at the Bicycle Casino. Moreover, a quick internet search suggests that Jose might have entered into a “Women’s Only” poker tournament at the Commerce Casino a few months ago, so I guess he’s not exactly living the high life. All the steroids, strippers, cocaine, and sucking at gambling will take a toll on the old savings account. Bad, bad Jose.

Ordonez said he hasn’t done anything wrong and his turned the matter over to the folks at MLB and the Feds. I believe him. He doesn't like like a 'roids candidate. He's just a portly fellow. So, when everything is said and done, Jose will just be one step closer to his ultimate goal of having every single person in this universe hate him more than someone who leaves a floater in the toilet after takin’a’two.

A world without Jose Conseco would be splendid; too bad we can’t flush him down the toilet.

Matthew Arrowfield

http://sports.aol.com/mlb/story/_a/report-canseco-sought-money-from-magglio/n20080123231709990057

Biglots Talks a Big Game

2008-01-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

Travis Diener is a pretty good shooter. I can't find a link or video anywhere but I'm told that a reporter once asked then Magic guard Diener about the rumor that he drained 86 of 100 threes in a pre-draft workout. Diener replied, "Eighty-nine."

You might be wondering what this has to do with the contributor "Biglots" who wrote an article for this site one time. Well, he was involved in a conversation with my friend Alex and me about this Diener feat, when he declared that, "Its not that impressive. I could probably do that."

Now before we start ripping on Biglots, let's give him some credit. He's an athletic kid. He was All-State in High School.....in soccer! He didn't play basketball in high school and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know where the gym is located at school. Its been four years since he's performed in any serious athletic competition. Since then he's pretty much been on a round trip path from his bed to his computer to Wendy's and back to his bed.

And these are NBA range three's we're talking here. So we discussed the possibilities. Alex said he guaranteed Biglots couldn't hit 30 out of 100--from the college stripe. Biglots said he definitely could beat that.

If you know Biglots, what do you think? If not how many could you hit? Keep in mind after 100 shots in a row and your arms are probably going to get a little bit tired.

Biglots and Alex are going to the gym to wage the bet tonight. Biglots will either have his moment of triumph in front of the millions of people who read this site or be publicly humiliated--I'll keep you posted.

Writing To You From Hell.

2008-01-23T01:34:00.000-05:00

I feel like the only reason I come here to write is to talk about death. I don't want to be a mortician, nor do I get off thinking about death and emo kids, but I just have a sick sense of humor. I find serious issues to be funny. Maybe I just like making jokes out of subjects people take seriously. I say this to myself daily... Seriousness sucks, serious people suck, lighten up. That's why it doesn't hurt to offend people. It doesn't hurt like getting fucked in the ass by Jake Gayllenhaal.

Ever since seeing Batman Begins I have been waiting impatiently for The Dark Knight. Katie Holmes bailed which means there's a new actress playing a sequel and I hate that. Now Heath Ledger had to be all selfish and kill himself. If there are 10 things I hate about ~~You~~ him popping pills then 9 of them are awaiting news on what they are going to do about the Dark Knight. The tenth is the fact that he was a pretty good actor and I was really excited for his role of Joker. The film is in post-production according to IMDB (which has actually replaced the Bible as the holiest text in religion land) so I would imagine they will go ahead and release the film. If they decide to postpone the film for a little while I think they will have a tougher time "filling his hole" in the cast. Ledger's career was looking ~~Brother’s~~ Grimm until this point, but I really think his role here would have brought him out of the closet.

In remembrance of Heath, the detectives were instructed to be very anal while investigating the scene. In future appearances Heath was scheduled to appear on WWE Raw (does that still exist?). He was only going to be in one fight but it was ironically a tag team match and his name was dubbed "The Pharmacy." I am being instructed that I have to leave now to go to Hell. Good day.

Mr. Bacon Back made a big whoopsy daisy

2008-01-22T22:37:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve read a lot about this controversy regarding Rick Majerus (not the him getting naked one) and his appearance at a rally for Hillary Clinton. During the rally, Majerus mentioned that he was pro-choice and pro-stem cell research. Unfortunately for Rick, he forgot that he was the head basketball coach at St. Louis University, which is a Catholic institution. He also forgot that Raymond Burke, the Archbishop of St. Louis, damns people who hold these beliefs to Hell. A big slip up if I do say so myself, but I do feel sorry for Majerus. Let’s be honest, he has to have a big mouth. How could he eat whole, uncooked pigs without one?Come on now, the man needs to eat!

I understand why Archbishop Burke is upset. The Church vehemently opposes abortion and the destruction of embryonic stem cells. However, vast moral, ethical, and philosophical issues surround the two issues, and as a representative of the Catholic Church it’s important that any comments/statements made about the issues are dexterously handled. Yes, the Church should defend their pro-life and stem-cell research positions vehemently, but might want to reconsider releasing statements like this one from Burke about the Majerus situation:

It’s not possible to be a Catholic and hold those positions.

I just don’t understand how Burke thinks he’s adding anything meaningful to the situation or anything valuable to the “Catholic cause” by saying something like that. I guess his statement shouldn’t be too much of a surprise though as his diocese refuses to give communion to Democratic politicians. Talk about a power-trip, this guy is like the Communion Nazi. “No Jesus for you today.”

Burke should be able to take some comfort in the video below. Though Majerus might be a threat to the nation's meat and dairy supply, this is definitive proof that he is not gay. (even though his comments at the end comparing Rudy Gay to an Italian sports car might suggest otherwise). Oh, and watch Lavin’s face. Priceless.

Matt Arrowhead

Tiki Torched (Clever, huh?)

2008-01-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

I’ll preface the rest of this post by saying I don’t really have too many problems with Tiki Barber. His name is ridiculous and sometimes I think he might like dudes, but I can say that about a lot of people. Yeah, he’s a little bit of a pompous-poop on NBC’s bullshit “Sunday Night is Football Night” pre-game circus, but really, the network and its viewers don’t seem to mind it, so no big deal.

Somehow (at least in my book), he’s been able to avoid “full d-bag status”, even though he’s been guilty of dipping his foot in the murky, douche filled waters a few times this year. Like anyone, he wants to see if it’s worth jumping in. So far, he’s decided against it.

Now, he’ll have to do everything in his power to avoid being pushed into the douchewater’s deep end after the New York Giants advanced to the Super Bowl. Lets’ rewind to January of last year, when Tiki was criticizing Tom Coughlin before he even retired. He thought Coughlin’s hard-nose style of coaching was outdated. He didn’t think Coughlin would be able to lead the Giants to a Super Bowl in this “new age” of professional sports where athletes do and say whatever the hell they want. So, he decided to announce his retirement during the middle of the season, saying his “love for the game” was gone. Here’s what he said about his former coach:

"The grind took its toll on me and really forced me to start thinking about what I wanted to do next. And that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing, for me at least. Maybe not for the Giants, because they lose one of their great players, but for me, it is.”

Then just months after he retires, he starts criticizing Eli Manning for not being able to manage and led a team of “men”. In August, Tiki said this on national TV about Eli’s supposed inability to communicate with the Giants offense during a Week 12 meeting:

"His personality hasn't been so that he can step up, make a strong statement and have people believe that it's coming from his heart. He didn't feel like his voice was going to be strong enough and it showed. Sometimes it was almost comical the way that he would say things."

In fact, Tiki seemed to me hoping the Giants would fall flat on their asses after he left. He would say that he wanted the best for his former organization and teammates on NBC, but I always got this feeling that he was full of shit. Well, it’s ’08 and Tom Coughlin just coached his team to a Super Bowl berth. Eli hasn’t turned the ball over in 3 road playoff games, and people are beginning to think he might have turned the page from sucky to competent. Brandon Jacobs, Barber’s replacement, has been very good down lately, and the Giants seem more focused then ever.

Perhaps Tiki was the problem last year, perhaps he wasn’t; who really knows? However, I do know that people are going to want Tiki to admit that he was wrong about his characterizations of Coughlin and Manning. When faced with these questions, he can either be a man and admit he was wrong, or act like a little baby and defend what he said a few months ago. My hope is that he chooses the former. The Douche Bag Pool has already reached maximum capacity, and there’s no life guard on duty to save more people from drowning in its unforgiving waters.

Matt Arrowhead

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2984974

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2763247

Giants Fans= :-) Packers Fans= :-(

2008-01-21T06:47:00.000-05:00

Oh, and I just couldn’t resist finding some reactions from the Packers and Giants fans after the championship game. Really, when looking for entertaining reactions from fans, one can’t go wrong with these two teams.

Simple, sophisticated and classy.

Reaction to Packers’ loss or rubber bullet to the stomach????

10 yr old girl Doesn’t like New York because, well, I guess you're not supposed to???

Cry Baby (rather annoying)

Dejected to ecstatic just like that…

Giants Fan does post game "show". I think there are some tears under those shades, dag gamut!

And You Thought Your Mom was Not Very Nice

2008-01-21T01:20:00.001-05:00

I tend to hate people who blame all life’s problems on their parents and personal vices like food and drugs. I might have to reconsider all of that after watching the video below.

This poor chubby butt goes through one minute of personal hell while her mother sits next to her howling with laughter. I just hope she got treated to an elephant ear after coping with the immense emotional trauma.

Bad, bad mommy.

Matt Arrowhead

Weekend News

2008-01-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

When we're talking about money there are a number of examples of exceptionally large figures. Bill Gates is worth $56 billion. The United States' national debt is something like $9 trillion. US gross domestic product is $13 trillion. And then there is the jackass from Lousiana that sued the United States government for $3 quadrillion dollars, citing damages from Hurricane Katrina and governmental failures.

The first thing I had to do when I read that was go to dictionary.com and make sure that was a real number. But seriously, I understand Hurricane Katrina was a horrible event and the feds really shit the bed big time, but asking for an amount of money that excessively exceeds the combined output of the world's economic superpowers? I think Uncle Sam should just give the guy $20 and a swift kick in the nuts and call it even.

In other news, le Cheff showed me this story which made me laugh, meaning either its funny or I'm pretty sick. Some lady's pug ran away during the holidays and her attempts to find "Scooter" were in vain. After several days the family assumed the dog was gone for good, until they received a letter in the mail from an anonymous woman. The woman said she found the dog and instead of returning it to the address on the tag, she kept it and gave it to her daughter as a Christmas gift. She assured the family that although the pup had a new name, it was well fed and living a good life. To compensate them for their loss she enclosed a $20 bill. Oh yeah, she's an unemployed alcoholic too. I guess the letter is a nice thought so the family knows their little puppy isn't splattered on the pavement somewhere, but twenty dollars for a pug? She may as well have taken a picture of herself flipping the bird and put that in the envelope.

In the sports world, a new report shows that a representitive of Roger Clemens met with Brian McNamee in 2004 to...blah, blah, blah. When are people going to stop giving a shit about this douchebag. He cheated, he got caught, and now he's lying because he's a big pussy.

I think the heat is broke in my house because I can see my breath in the living room and my fingers are too cold to type any more. Peace.

Letter from Tulsa explains why woman stole dog on Christmas Eve

Katrina victim sues U.S. for $3 quadrillion

Sunday Prayer

2008-01-20T15:48:00.000-05:00

Watching the early game today (and maybe the late one) might not be an option for me. I’ve been up all night and need some fucking sleep. I’ve been under the weather for over 2 weeks now. I get this odd feeling that people think I’m “sick” when they see me. Not the cool “sick”, but the literal one. You know, the “don’t go anywhere near that person because it looks like he has HIV” kind. So, before I go to bed, I just want everyone to do me one little favor: say a pray (or two) that either the Giants or Charges pull off an upset. I don’t need to watch a two week Favre/Brady d-sucking marathon where everyone in the mainstream media proves its actually possible to suck the two of them off without touching their dongs.

The two weeks in between the championship games and the Super Bowl are always soo excruciating. If the Packers and Patriots are playing, excruciating turns into catastrophic. Really, nothing is worse than hearing the CBS/ESPN/FOX/NFL Network dip shits talk about the dip shits who will be playing in the game. If I hear one more person call Favre a “gunslinger” or refer to the Patriot’s early season cheating as “Spy Gate”, I’m going to lose my mind. I don’t want to lose my mind, so I need you all to pray to whoever it is you pray to. See, usually I’d just turn off the TV, get a newspaper and/or surf the web, and move on. However, this strategy doesn’t work when the Super Bowl rolls around. Everyone becomes kind of dip shitty with their reporting; even those sources you didn’t think would.

I’m going to pray to Jesus today, but really, feel free to choose your own god. Just make sure you ask for a Giants and/or Charges win. I’m putting all of my hopes and dreams for a “Favre/Brady Free” two weeks on the shoulders of you people, Eli Manning, and Philip Rivers. I don’t like my chances.

Here’s why:

I’m pretty sure Eli has Down syndrome (at least a little bit of it).
Phillip Rivers is better at making an ass out of himself than throwing a football.
We all know nobody’s actually going to pray.

So, I’ll most likely have to deal with it, but just know, you let me down by not praying. I’ll be bed side in t-minus 5 minutes with rosary in hand saying; “Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.” Ha, and people didn’t think I still knew the “Our Father”.

The last part was (at least mildly) sacrilegious. I apologize to any and all holy rollers who read this blog.

Matt Arrowhead

Nevada Primary

2008-01-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

I promised a look at the Nevada Democratic Primary and it will be starting in about 3 hours, so I figured I’d better get on it. I don’t really feel like writing this and my head hurts, so don’t expect too much in-depth analysis, or for that matter, anything that resembles rational thought.

After splitting the first two races in Iowa and New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have focused the lion’s share of their efforts on the state of Nevada. For the first time ever, the Nevada caucus was moved to the front of primary season, which means the state will be influential in deciding who ultimately gets the Democratic nomination. On February 5^th, around 25-30 states will have their primaries. Consequently, candidates fight for early primary states such as Nevada so that they can build momentum and gain national support/recognition by the time February 5^th rolls around (called Super Tuesday). This will be the first and last representation the Western part of the US has in the primary season until Super Tuesday, so it’s the only indicator one has to go off of when looking at the political mood out here. Immigration, the sub-prime mortgage crisis, health care, union issues, and the war seem to be the most important issues to people in Nevada and California. So, I’m interested to see what Democratic candidate the people out here think will best handle these issues.

Obama has received endorsements from Nevada’s 60,000 member Culinary Workers Union whose members work up and down the Las Vegas Strip. In fact, every major casino in Las Vegas is setting up areas in their buildings so that employees (union members) can caucus while working. The Teachers Union in Nevada tried to stop the casinos from setting up these caucus areas, but a judge denied the appeal. Members of the Teachers Union were arguing that these sites were unfair as it gave unequal representation to those Culinary Workers Union members who would have access to a caucus site on the job. You see, members of the Teachers Union will have to drive to their caucus location today. One can’t just walk into work and caucus; making it less likely members of the Teachers Union will actually become involved in the process. (The Teachers Union strongly backs Hillary Clinton and many think the Clinton machine had something to do with the lawsuit.)

The Nevada caucus has taking on extra significance after Barack’s improbable win in Iowa, and Hillary’s seemingly improbable comeback victory in New Hampshire. Clinton, even a month ago, led in Nevada by over 20 points in most statistical polls, but now these same polls suggest that Obama has closed the gap. In fact, he is at least within the margin of error in almost all polls that have been conducted over the last few days. The Hispanics haven’t really leaned for one candidate over the other yet, but a large percentage of them are union members, so it would seem that Obama might have the upper hand. Moreover, Barack has taken most of the black vote away from Hilary. A couple months ago, Hillary had the support of 25-30% more African Americans than Obama. Now, Obama leads that same vote by 25-30%. After Obama’s win in Iowa (where 93% of the Democrats caucusing were white), African- Americans believe that Obama is a viable candidate who actually has a chance at winning the national election. But as we learned in New Hampshire, where all polls showed Obama leading by double digits the day before the primary, nothing is certain.

I just really don’t know what to think. After Obama’s performance in Iowa, I was almost certain he would carry NH, and ride that momentum through the primaries leading up to Super Tuesday. A victory over Clinton in NH would have all but sealed the deal in Nevada and the rest of the country. However, Clinton was able to take down New Hampshire, and it seems like she might have taken control of the race again. I forgot to mention anything about John Edwards, who will most likely gather anywhere between 10-20% of the vote in Nevada. He’s going to stick around until South Carolina, and if he loses there, I’m sure he’ll remove his name from contention before February 5^th. I’d be interested to know which way most Edwards’ supporters are planning on going when he drops out of the race. I have a feeling it’s towards Obama. Anyway, I like rooting for the underdog, and most polls suggest Obama is trailing in Nevada, so I’ll take him and say he captures 36% of the vote. (I won’t root for the Edwards, because he’s not an underdog, he’s a statistical improbability.)

Republican voters in South Carolina also head to the polls tomorrow to cast their votes. SC is another important state as it’s the first southern-state involved in the primary process. As the “gateway” to the rest of the south, candidates realize how important the state is. McCain is leading in most polls w/around 30-35% of the vote. Huckabee and Romney are not too far behind gathering anywhere between 20-25% of support each. I think McCain takes the state, and starts to separate himself from the rest of the pack with a victory. I don’t see Huckabee winning here, and Romney is too much of a Yank to gather the support of the folks down there. I’d write more about the Republicans, but I already wrote one about them, and I want to be done typing.

Sorry this sucks. I am still learning how to write again. I’ll get the hang of it eventually.

Matt Arrowhead

The Greatest Chinese Checkers Game

2008-01-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

It is never right to joke around about someone dying unless it is Britney Spears, Sadam Hussein or Bobby Fischer. Thats right, age old chess champ Bobby Fischer has passed away due to kidney failure. Apparently ESPN believes that Fischer was a cold war hero because he beat some ruskie in a game of chess. I guess that's cool to be remembered for, but you and I both know where the name Bobby Fischer became famous. HEY! ARNOLD of course....

Remember that episode where old grandpa was teaching Arnold the finer point of chinese checkers? Of course you do. Grandpa couldn't beat that snively Bobby Fischer and just wanted to see Arnold beat Fischer's kid. So by golly he did. The tournament was sponsored by Big Bob's Beeper Emporium and Arnold took down Fisher in a grueling battle.

The moral of the story is of course that we are to remember this war hero. He killed many russians and we should pay our respects to any pawns sacrificed in battle. In the end, America wins again... even though he wasn't American.

What Happened to the Bulls?

2008-01-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

The Bulls were supposed to be good this year, right? Hell, they knocked off the defending champion Miami Heat in the 1^st round of the ’07 playoffs and put up a valiant effort in the 2^nd round against the Pistons before ultimately bowing out in 6 games. Maybe it’s just me, but I really thought the Bulls had arrived after being able to put up a fight against an opponent whose leading scorer, Richard Hamilton, is known to wear a headband and mask at all times; even during casual sex and funeral parties

Their core of young talent was returning. Luol Deng had seemingly emerged as one of the elite players in the league. Hinrich, Gordan, and Nocioni all understood their rolls and were playing very well together. Ben Wallace was back to run around with a ridiculous fro and $14 million he didn’t deserve, but hey, he had dealt with his headband separation anxiety and occasionally grabbed rebounds, so no problems there. Scott Skiles had found a way to make all of the parts fit even though the Bullies lacked a dominating big man and a true “big time” scorer. He was praised for his game and bench management skills. People, including myself, were saying the Bulls would be one of the elite teams in the East.

Now, February is approaching and the Bulls are 14-22, with almost half of the season completed. They are 3.5 games behind the New Jersey Nets for the 8 seed in the East. Skiles is gone, and they just got crushed again last night by the Magic. Luol Deng isn’t quite living up to preseason expectations, and reports out of Chicago suggest that Benny the Bull, the team mascot, is a “big player” in meth trafficking on the city’s south side. Ok, the last part was a joke…..I think; nonetheless, I am confused and hurt by the Bulls’ ’08 campaign up to this point. A team that was supposed to be pretty good, or at least pretty decent, sucks pretty, pretty, pretty bad. The assholes who are a lot smarter than me haven’t given me answers about the Bulls current quandary. More importantly, trailing anything/anyone from New Jersey (in this case the Nets), regardless of situation or circumstance, is unacceptable and should automatically result in death, so I’m going to do some investigating and try to figure out where it all went wrong.

Here are some possibilities.

5. Some would argue that it hasn’t gone wrong. The Bulls have been notoriously slow starters the last few years and have always rebounded to make it into the playoffs. Moreover, the Eastern Conference is getting stronger. The Celtics and Pistons playing as well as anyone other team in the league and Orlando, Washington, Atlanta, and Toronto are decent. This combination could have created the problem, but that’s no fun, and I want to write a little more, so I’m going to dismiss this as improbable. (100-1)

4. The Bull’s lack of an inside presence and having to play 4 vs. 5 on offense (anytime Ben Wallace is on the court) might be the reason for their struggles. Relying on perimeter jump shooting can be devastating for an NBA team, and the Bull’s aren’t left with many options when you look at their roster. Deng has never been a post player, and Ben Wallace averages 4.4 pts and 2apg, so they aren’t getting anything on the block from those folks. Nocioni, well, I’m not sure what in the hell type of player he is, but I do know he’s not a big man. He just runs around the court cussing out refs in Argentinean and makes close to 8$ million dollars a year doing it. I always dreamed of being a big, Argentinean man as a young boy, but after watching him I realized I was just being young and naïve. (I have no idea what that means.)

Their backups in the front court are washed up or too young to make meaning contributions. This means they have to rely on ball movement, perimeter spacing, and a lot of motion to get good looks for their guards/small forwards. They can’t dump it down low to a big man who demands a double team and opens up better scoring opportunities. (75-1)

3. Skiles/Paxson could have been/might be the problem as well. Maybe Skiles’ coaching style was good in theory, but ultimately something that can’t be successful long term in the NBA. Playing so many players and relying on too much perimeter play is usually a disaster unless you have an extremely talented squad. (See Phoenix) Paxson, who everyone thought was bulletproof a couple years ago, has made some very questionable decisions recently, and I’m beginning to think he might not know what he’s doing. I guess I really only have the Wallace and Nocioni signings to make my case, but those might be enough.

Paxson’s firing of Skiles on Christmas Eve was pretty cold hearted, but I do understand where he’s coming from. It’s always better to get out of relationship with someone you know you’re done with before you have to buy them a gift. I dumped a girl the day before Valentine ’s Day in 7^th grade, and nothing I’ve done since has matched the experience. I imagine Paxson was nervous and felt a little bad about doing it just as I had back in 7^th grade. I also imagine Skiles also did some crying like the girl whose heart I broke. (50/1)

2. Scottie Pippen. I won’t bash on Scottie too much because I used to cry when the Bulls won championships. However, currently he seems to mess up anything he does, talks about, is associated with, has been associated with, thinks about, dreams about, touches, breathes on, farts on, walks past, or sleeps with. Hmm, I think I bashed Scottie a little too much. Anyway, he’s been making some asinine comments lately about coaching the Bulls, so he might be the reason for their problems. Oh, he also plays basketball in Finland, and comes out to the Bull’s intro music while little Finnish people stand up and clap from him like he’s the 2^nd coming of Jesus Christ (or Michael Jordan.) I’d post the video, but I’m sure most of you have already seen it on Deadspin. If you haven’t, you’re a big loser and your parents told me they think you’re gay. (25/1)

1. Joakim Noah. All of the other possible reasons for the Bulls’ struggles are decent, but this is the betting favorite. It all started when David Stern announced Chicago had drafted Noah. He was wearing a fucking bow-tie. He looked like the tool who decides to be all random and go as Tucker Carlson to a Halloween party. Pulling a move like that is never acceptable. Seriously, I knew it was over when I saw him standing on the stage in that ridiculous tie.

I hate him with a passion. I find no one on this earth more annoying, and his teammates must feel the same way. They, not the Bulls coaching staff or management, unanimously voted to suspend Noah for an additional game for “conduct detrimental to the team” this past week. What in the hell must he have done/said to have a group of NBA players, who obviously don’t give a shit about anything, hold a private meeting and unanimously vote to suspend him? Maybe it wasn’t something as bad as I think. The team could have just decided he was annoying as hell and suspended him for that reason alone.

Billy Donovan chimed in on the issues and said he knows “Jo would never be selfish” and that his suspension was related to his frustration with losing. He went on to say that Jo has to realize that “he’s now a professional and that things are different at that level.”

Ok, so let me get this straight; this is from the guy who backed out of a signed deal with the Orlando Magic this summer in one of the most unprofessional moves I’ve seen in a long time? Yea, I think that’s the Billy Donovan I’m thinking of. Of course he’s the human being vouching for Noah, as they’re both at the top of any “Biggest Jackasses of ‘07” list.

So ya, I think Jo’ is the problem.. Once the Bulls cut Noah, they will start winning a bunch of games. (1/1000)

Matt Arrowhead

Race for the White House:

2008-01-15T12:49:00.000-05:00

The Republican race takes center stage today when the GOP candidates vie for the state of Michigan and its delegates. The two front runners in the state, Mitt Romney and John McCain, are tied in a statistical dead heat as voters get ready to head to the polls. The contest is a must win for Romney, who suffered loses in both Iowa and New Hampshire. In Iowa, Mike Huckabee, a conservative evangelical from the south, was able to win in convincing fashion after gathering much of the Christian vote. Romney had outspent Huckabee 15-1 there and led in many of the polls for months leading up to the state’s caucus, so the defeat was especially devastating for his campaign. In New Hampshire, Romney suffered another defeat at the hands of John McCain. McCain was able to gather a large percentage of the independent vote just as he had done in NH’s 2000 primary when he defeated President Bush. The McCain and Huckabee victories, along with Romney’s two second place finishes, suggest just how close the Michigan primary might be.

The state of Michigan is kind of a hybrid of Iowa and NH, and that’s what makes their primary so important for the Republican candidates. On one hand, there is a large group of voters who identify themselves as Evangelicals, which means religion is extremely relevant. On the other hand, the economy and war are two issues that are extremely important to the state’s voters. They’ve fallen on hard economic times and have watched many of their sons get sent overseas to fight in Iraq. So, tomorrow after the results are in, we might have a better idea of who the GOP front runner is moving forward simply because of the state’s makeup. If McCain is able to win, he becomes the odds on favorite to win South Carolina and sweep on Super Tuesday. If Romney wins, he’s back on the map and might have a chance to compete in SC and Florida. If Huckabee wins, he will most likely become the favorite to win SC, and will be seen as a viable candidate in the eyes of some of the more moderate GOP voters in states where the bible and constitution aren’t seen as one and the same.

The one candidate I haven’t mentioned is Rudy Guiliani, who is focusing his entire campaign and chances for the White House on the state of Florida. Guiliani was a non-factor in Iowa and NH, and will most likely finish 4^th in Michigan tomorrow. He has dumped all of his money and time into Florida, where he once held a sizable polling lead over other candidates. Now, many pundits believe his strategy might not pay off. The most up to date polls suggest that McCain and Romney have closed the gap with Guiliani in Florida, so it should be interesting to see whether or not Guiliani’s strategy was truly genius or completely idiotic.

I am looking forward to today's results in Michigan. Romney’s from the state of Michigan and his dad governed there in the 1960’s, so he does have name recognition and plenty of connections. McCain’s momentum and the electorate makeup of the state might just be

enough for him to win. And Huckabee, well, he has religion. Those crazy Evangelicals will do anything short of saying “Jesus Christ” to get him into office, so it should be pretty damn interesting. Good luck to all of my conservative friends. I hope your candidate is able to take the lead in this most interesting of races.

I’ll have some stuff on Nevada’s democratic primary before it happens, but for now, it is time for some sleep. Oh, and Fred Thompson is so funny. He’s like the conservative grandpa I never had. I’m going to invite him over for the holidays. You tell me what’s better than a dinner table debate with an old, stubborn man, who doesn’t give a shit if you think he’s a complete ass. He speaks his mind, and couldn’t give two shits if comes off as ignorant, abrasive, or just downright dumb. Honestly, I respect that. I just want him to call me an idiotic young punk or something.

A Little Offseason Beisbol

2008-01-14T21:35:00.000-05:00

I miss baseball already. Even though I was able to watch most of the playoff games, sitting alone in front of a computer in the middle of the night thousands of miles away from anyone who gives a shit about it just wasn't the same. But we're still a long way away from Spring Training, and its a little early for a preseason preview or anything like that, so I wanted to say something about Johan Santana. Before you stop reading and assume that this is just another opportunity to talk about the Red Sox--its not. Its about the National League, and its not a joke.

I want the Twins to trade the best lefty in the majors to the Mets. Obviously this is my desired outcome because I think it is in the best interest of my team, but its also in the best interest of baseball. It benefits the Red Sox because he does not go to the Yankees, and it allows them to retain and develop all their top prospects, who I believe will turn out to be better than the Yankee's.

But why does it benefit baseball? Look, its no secret that the NL is an inferior league at this point. There are tons of reason's to explain why, but one of them is the Yankees. While they proved that you can't buy championships, you can buy your way into the playoffs. This forced teams in their division to spend more in order to compete (Red Sox were the most successful but the Blue Jays and Orioles did it too). Other teams without the budget had to look to new ways to compete (A's, Beane, Moneyball), while eventually teams learned that combining the spending and that philosophy could lead to much better results (the Angel's have finally wised up with their signings this offseason after continually losing in the playoffs because of their free swinging tendencies).

So how does this relate to the NL? While all of this was happening in the AL, the NL had no real big spenders. The "smart" teams discovered that they could be fairly successful building around some quality players and AL outcasts, especially when it comes to pitching. Many GMs crafted competitive teams that were successful in the NL, but were at a disadvantage against the AL. The AL is 11-4 in the WS since 1992, they are 12-3 against the NL in the All-Star game, and hold a 47 game advantage in interleague play.

If the Mets are to outbid the Red Sox and Yankees for Santana they will be showing a commitment to building a team not only to compete against the NL but one that has a legitimate chance against any AL team. They aren't getting a good AL player and hoping that he will be a dominant NL player--they are getting a dominant AL player that they know will be a dominant NL player. They were already the best team in the NL last year before their historic collapse, but with Santana they would be upping the ante for every other team in the division, and eventually the league. The divide between the two leagues is not good for baseball: Santana to the Mets is.

The Longest Post Ever

2007-12-20T10:42:00.001-05:00

FYI, we're going to try to get this thing going again. We're going to try to have a few more contributors and see what happens. I suggest you have low expectations--I wouldn't want any of you to be disappointed. ;) Log

Some things never change. One of those things is my propensity to write outlandishly long blog articles, another is my temper. I'll talk about my temper first, and by the end of this article you'll need no convincing that I like writing too much. The other day I strolled into a liquor store in sunny California to buy a small bottle of Jameson and a six pack of Fat Tire (which is the greatest beer in the world). Well, my bill totaled $35.03, and I had two twenty dollar bills on me. As I handed my two twenties to the guy working behind the counter, I asked him if he could cover the three cents himself or wait until someone left some change in the tip jar to add to his
drawer, so that I wouldn't have to be handed .97 cents in change. (Change should be done away with for ever, or given all to me, so I can put it in my 40 ft x 40ft Piggy bank that'll I'll one day have to break with a wrecking ball.) I thought this to be a reasonable request and as he rung up my items without saying anything, I was under the assumption that my requested favor
would be granted. So, suffice to say, when he handed me back $4.97, I was a bit perturbed. I proceeded to dump the change onto the counter and walk out of the store. He called me a "dick", and I just put up my middle finger as I walked out. The power of the middle finger is something to behold, especially after a guy calls you out. To be honest, I was having a shitty day, and was looking for a verbal altercation, but come on now, was this guy kidding? One has to be a pretty big jackass to refuse giving away a few cents for the greater good. I plan on going back to his store and dropping a "poopy" dollar on his liquor floor somewhere. He'll pick up the dollar and
be a littler richer for it, but he'll soon realize that he has poop all over his hands. Anyway, a lot has happened to a lot of people in a lot of places since I last wrote anything on a blog, so I'm going to do a quick rundown of what's been on my mind (in relation to sports) over the next couple of days. (No need to do a double take, I actually did say a couple of days.) As you may have gathered from that first paragraph, I did move to California, so I automatically started drinking 6 Expressos a day and talking "real chill bro." In all seriousness, as I've said to those who actually, for one reason or another, speak with me on a regular to semi-regular basis, this place is exactly the same as South Bend, Indianapolis, Louisville, Bloomington, and any other place I've taken up residence in for an extended period of time; only that there are mountains here which make it very difficult to run, and sometimes (not always) people think their shit is a little better to eat than do most people who are living in the Midwest.

*I must regress for a moment just to remind all that shit is never good to eat, if you don't
believe me go to 2girls1cup.com and enjoy (or don't go there if you are on a work computer and want to keep your job.) Oh, and I don't like pompousness unless it's being exposed, and the person who's dishing it out is being embarrassed in the process." (*I just submitted the sentence in the above paragraph that began with "In all seriousness" to the Guinness Book of World Records for longest and most confusing sentence of all time. I like my chances.)**

I'd talk more about my personal life, i.e. my love life, dreams, and/or ambitions, but reading about that topic is more painful than hearing, or even worse smelling, one of your grandma's farts, so I won't force you gregarious and affable young people to partake in my ever growing repertoire of self-deprecating one liners. Instead, I will bore you with talks about "Pretty Boy" or should I say Floyd "Money" Mayweather, Tim Tebow, the NBA, the ridiculousness that is college bowl season, Michael Vick, that football team from the New England area, Roger Clemens, an old lady who thwarted a robber with the power of Jesus, and the only Christmas gift on my wish list.

Floyd:

Mi historia comienza en barra por completo del mexicano aquí en Los Ángeles. I've never, ever (100% pure Columbian sarcasm) been a guy to say "I told you so", so I won't say it, but know that I am implying it with that last line. I watched the Floyd Mayweather vs. Ricky Hatton fight and it played out exactly as I had suspected. Hatton was undersized giving up 4-5 pounds and a
5-6 inch reach to PBF, and he performed quite well for being so overmatched. I wasn't as surprised as Hatton had more fans in the stands (probably 3-1) than Floyd. By the middle of fight week, Las Vegas turned into Manchester as thousands of Brits made the trek across the Atlantic to root for their national hero. By the time fight night came around, I was actually worried that the Western part of the United States would be invaded by a Calvary of angry Brits, looking for some revolutionary revenge. They drank and sang and danced and brushed their teeth sparingly, all the while trying to will Hatton to a victory with their unwavering faith and support. But you see, reality couldn't care less about feel good stories or happy drunk Brits. It doesn't care that Hatton's victory would create the closest thing to a real, in the flesh, Rocky Balboa (who I must remind Philadelphia folks isn't a real person.) So basically, Hatton was screwed because in real life Rocky gets his ass kicked by Apollo Creed 9/10 times, and that Russian guy in Rocky IV probably rips Rocky's head off and uses it as a chaser with a shot of Vodka.

Of course Hatton had a "puncher's chance" which is always the case in boxing, and Floyd seemed willing to abandon his brilliant defensive skills to mix it up with the feisty little Brit for the fist few rounds, but eventually Floyd's size and obvious skill advantage were just too much. I
wish I had a recorder in between rounds 9 and 10 because I told my buddy Lucas that Floyd would be knocking Hatton out in the 10th. (Ego boost) He had hurt Hatton around 10-15 times with big rights and sweeping left hooks in the middle rounds, and I sensed those shots had taken too big a toll on Hatton. As Hatton moved forward for his last time, Floyd caught him with a
big left hook that sent Ricky off the ropes and onto the canvas. I stood up amongst my new Mexican friends, and for the first time ever, was rooting whole heartedly for PBF. Well maybe not wholeheartedly as I selfishly wanted my new born prediction to be proven true, but I was definitely surprised that I had his back even if my support was motivated partially by egotism.
Hatton got up, but it was for naught, as the ref, Joe Cortez, stopped the fight just before Floyd sent Hatton to the ground with one finishing flurry of straight rights and big lefts.

On Log's Blog, a long time ago, when Log still hadn't left for Europe and the blog was still operating, I wrote that I wouldn't watch the fight. I was glad that my hypocrisy was in full force by the time the fight rolled around because I would have missed out on a spectacular battle if not. Next on the agenda for Floyd is, you guessed it, retirement so that he can focus on becoming a promoter. Reading in between the lines and judging by Floyd's past retirement claims, I'll say he's fighting again within the year; probably against Cotto if Top Rank keeps pushing Cotto, and he continues to prove himself as a big draw for those PPV sharks.

*One a quick side note, you would have been amazed at some of the racial shots the Mexicans were throwing out at Hatton. When he came to the ring, more than a few of my Mexican-American compatriots were yelling "Go back to your country." I had never seen a minority group of Americans so thoroughly harass a European, which made me shake my head as I realized that this goliath "us against them" mentality exists even in the places were it seems
to defy logic most, but that is for another article that I'll never write, so back to the rambling.*

Floyd had taken a lot of heat from boxing fans and insiders for his inability to produce an action packed fight. He was known as "Floyd Mayrunner" to many, and in this fight he proved he could stand toe to toe with a fighter. I'm not as impressed with his attempt to provide his fans with more entertainment because I believe he knew was in a different league than Hatton. Anyone will stand up and fight a guy who doesn't possess his skill level or size, but that's entirely different and much easier than fighting a big and ready Welterweight like Cotto. Hopefully Floyd will put himself at risk against Cotto, which only happens if Mayweather thinks there is enough money in the fight. Anyway, I'll congratulate Floyd. I think the little guy is starting to grow on me. I can't believe I just said that and will have to stop typing for 15 minutes as I just placed myself in time out.

Heisman Trophy:

Ok, I'm back and done talking about boxing for awhile. My next area of emphasis will be on the Heisman Trophy race. Let me start by saying a couple things. I have my Google search bar up to make sure that all spellings contained below are correct, and I won't get into any conference strength arguments because my back is sun-burned, and patting it would only lead to discomfort and inflammation. I truly feel bad for Dixon, Oregon (quack, quack), and McBread, who all took a horrible beat with one massively tweaked knee. Maybe I'm being naïve, but the Ducks seemed like the best team in the country, and something tells me they would be playing for a national title if one of the 500 black people in Oregon didn't happen to be their injured
quarterback. I've hit a few roulette wheels for a pretty penny back in the day, but nothing that is paying 150-1. It's just so painful.

Anyway, when Dixon went down with his injury, the Heisman race opened up considerably, and almost instantly Darren McFadden, Colt Brennan, and Tim Tebow became the leaders. The quarterback from Missouri was also considered, but really, everyone knows that the only thing good to come out of Missouri (which I can't spell anymore for some reason) over the past 10 years is Nelly and his group of Lunatics (oh, and I'll include Hot Rod as well). I feel like I don't have to mention Bud Light because that's actually not produced in Missouri. Jesus makes that in Heaven and because he doesn't want people to freak out, he sends it to Missouri first before distribution. Anyway, it was a three horse race, and I started to believe McFadden might have taken the lead down the stretch with his ridiculous performance against LSU. He rushed for over 200 yards against (arguably) the best defense in the country. However, Tebow's number were equally as impressive, and I think he was deserving of the award.

Congratulations to Tim Tebow, who won the Heisman trophy. Fortunately, I didn't watch that ridiculously long and drawn out presentation, but I guarantee two things:

1. He thanked God.
2. He was one of the only celebrities or athletes, who upon receiving an award, actually meant it when he said "I'd like to thank God." Rumor has it he's a good Christian American.

As you all know, he was the first sophomore ever to win the award. Playing in the SEC and breaking the all-time touchdown record (I think) is unfathomable, and the three loses Florida had during the year have to be put in perspective as that conference is the best in America.

As I mentioned in my misspelled Heisman candidate article before the beginning of the year, McFadden was hurt by Arkansas' record. If his team would have lost 3 games, I'm pretty sure he would have won the award. Across all 10 teams in the SEC, only 12 total games were lost outside of conference play. Going undefeated in the SEC is as unlikely as me not making an AFL
team if I decided to try out at one of their regional workouts.

NBA:

I am slowly falling below the poverty line and will be looking into Welfare here soon enough. Consequently, I haven't been able to watch many NBA games as we don't have cable at our house out here in California. I watched the start of the season while I was in Indy, but since then, my NBA viewing has been extremely limited. I do know that Boston is on a torrid pace, and should finish the season with around 60-65 wins (assuming none of the "Big Three" get hurt). The team is performing at a level that is so far above the rest of the Eastern conference its ridiculous. I just hope Paul Piece can stay away from any knife fights, and Ray Allen can avoid that little rat Bruce Bowen for the rest of the year because barring any big time injury,
they should be a joy to watch the rest of the year.

Doc Rivers has been granted a stay of execution and will be able to avoid that "black guys can't coach in the NBA" label for a couple more years. Think about it, I really can't name more than a handful of successful black NBA coaches over the past few years. Avery Johnson is the one big name that comes to mind, but his mouth is as big as a canoe, and he sounds ridiculous, so I can't take him seriously. Isiah Thomas has single-handedly destroyed the New York Knicks, and isn't even shrewd enough to suppress his blatant sexism. I mean, I am the biggest male chauvinist in the world, but even I reserve the "Women don't need to wear watches because there are clocks on stoves" joke to situations were I am desperate for a laugh. He called the woman who was suing the Knicks for sexual harassment a "black bitch" and a "ho". I'm sure he was right, but come on now! He'd be fun to have at a boring Christmas party as he would certainly create some sparks and probably end up getting a drink dumped on his face by some drunk girl saying "How
dare you disrespect women like that", but in a court of law, on the witness stand in a multi-million dollar lawsuit, you might want to lie through your teeth and deny the accusations.

I also heard that LeBong James has missed around 5-7 games with a sprained finger. The Cavs lost a majority (if not all) games when he was out. I think Lebron should stop being such a pussy. I don't need any Cleveland fans telling me that his injury was serious, and he needed to sit out. I played a few games in elementary school with a broken wrist, and I was completely
fine. Oh, and I am probably the biggest pussy in the world. Without Lebron, the Cavs are probably the worse team in the NBA (and NBDL).

*Sidenote:*

*A couple weeks back Page 2 of ESPN had a poll up, that asked fans what they
would most like to see happen to a city of **Boston** sports team. The three
choices were as follows:*

*1. The Steelers beating the Patriots*

*2. Johan Santanna being traded to any team other than the BoSox*

*3. Garnett blowing out his knee.*

*Only 4% of this dumb ass population voted for the Garnett knee blowout, but it suggested how angry the sport's world is with the **Boston** areasuccess. I can understand people's frustration with the Pats and Red Sox, but the Celtics haven't done anything meaningful since the 80's. The 90's were a disastrous decade, and they were forced to deal with Antoine "Shimmy" **Walker** for the 2nd half of it. Now, voting for a 'Toine knee blowout is
one thing, but Garnett is too nice for such vindictiveness. *

BCS

The BCS is like the biggest c-word you know. It's stupid, pointless, and should be fixed before I have to take matters into my own hands. Over the course of the next 3 weeks there will be a bunch of meaningless games that are played and watched by fans for absolutely no reason at all. I look at every game other than the national championship contest as some kind of bizarro exhibition. Most of the teams haven't played for 3-6 weeks, so they are rusty and unable to perform at the level they ended the season at. Moreover, most of the games aren't rationally thought out leaving almost no good rivalry-type deal thingys. Indiana is playing in a bowl game (not sure which one) out in Arizona, what???( Someone wasn't paying attention in their United States Geography class..) Pitting the third best team in the ACC against the 4th best team in the Big 12 makes as much sense as Don King audio clip. Nobody cares. I am really angry about this. I don't have enough money to gamble these days, so the aforementioned pointlessness of this shit has caused me extreme duress (funny word). My buddy found me curled up in the fetal position the other night crying. The "curled up in the fetal position part" is normal, but the crying was due to the bowl schedule.

Before the advent of the BCS, some of the bigger bowl games had National Title implications. A Big 10 team playing out here at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena would be vying for a shot at the title against one of those dirty Florida schools who were playing in the Orange Bowl. This always led to an exciting finish to the season as most of the games were played on the same day. Now, I have to watch Kansas, Missouri, Hawaii, West Virginia, and some other bullshit teams play with nothing at stake. I'll need some Percocets and brandy to derail the boredom.

*Sidenote 1: The championship game might actually be decent. I know LSU is one of the best teams in the country, and I'm interested to see what OSU can do. Senator Tressell will take some major heat* (see sidenote 2) if he gets murdered for the 2nd straight year in the national title game. *

*Sidenote 2: I have been forced to switch to an even more ghetto brand of "heat" (chew to those who aren't hip to be cool) since moving to **California**. A tin of Skoal is around $7.99. I bought a tin at this price when I first got here thinking that there was some secret treasure waiting for me when I opened it. Being logical, I thought that was the only way something that gives you cancer and only lasts for 1 day could cost so much.To my surprise, there was no little treasure chest at the bottom of the tin or a miniature Genie in the bottle who was willing to grant me three wishes. Had there been, I would have asked the Genie if I could wish for the same thing three times, and if (s)he said yes, I would have immediately said "No cancer, no cancer, no cancer." (Not funny at all because my gum lines are so tore up that I actually cut my bottom lip earlier today on a frosted lemon cookie at Albertson's Grocery Mart.) I'm now chewing "Longhorn", which costs around $2.25 out here, so I'm thinking the people who make Longhorn
actually pay people to use their product out in the **Midwest**.*

My clock in California reads 3:31am right now, so the article is getting a little ridiculous. I apologize. I need to regroup for a few hours. I'll commence this shit show again tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick:

This story came out at the same time that many of you thought I actually murdered an innocent, but obnoxious, dog. Perfect timing if I do say so myself. I am glad I actually didn't kill the annoying pup because it looks like our criminal justice system is really cracking down on animal cruelty. If I had killed the dog, I would have classified it as more of a hate crime because I'd only kill certain dog breeds, but I guess the justice system sees it differently.

Vick was sentenced to almost 2 years in prison for running of an illegal dog fighting operation. He was electrocuting poor puppies that weren't performing well in their matches. Deadspin posted Vick's letter to the judge that is asking for leniency in his sentencing. Some famous athletes also wrote to the judge on Vick's behalf, including Hank Aaron and George Foreman. Aaron's letter was very well articulated and thoughtful. Foreman's letter, on the other hand, was one of the most asinine things I've read in a very long time (probably because I haven't done too much reading in a very long time.) Here is an excerpt from the beginning of his letter:

"Dear Judge Hudson:

I'm a fulltime minister at the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ in Houston, Texas, former two-time Heavyweight Champion of the world, and known all over the world as the king of the grills because of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine.

But the real story is that as a young boy I prowled the streets of Houston, TX as a thief, and a teenage mugger until one night while trying to escape the police, I laid in a hole and covered myself with mud from a busted sewage pipe under a house so that police dogs couldn't sniff me out. I made it home that night all stinky and filthy from the sewage and I promised
myself that I was going to be a better person...."

Ok, I have a few problems with the letter good ole' George wrote.

1. I almost wanted to cry when he shamelessly plugged his Grill Sets like he was on a damn late night infomercial. He should have started his letter by saying something like " I am owner of Geroge Foreman Grills, the leading grill manufacturer in the United States." Instead, he tries to sell the judge a couple grills as stocking stuffers for the Holiday season.

2. His story about evading the cops is probably going to get him arrested. You know some old fart out of the Prosecutor's office in Houston Texas just re-opened up a case from around 40 years ago that had long been forgotten about. George is probably fleeing the state of Texas right now to avoid those who are seeking him out, with warrants in hand. I love George to death, but gosh, he sure as hell is an idiot. The judge will probably give Vick a few more months in jail because of the sheer stupidity of the letter.

The sentencing of Vick by the Fed's was one of the quickest in history andsets a precedent for all of those people who still think there is nothing wrong with dog fighting. If I remember correctly, many big time past and present football players came out saying that they had been to dog fights and thought it wasn't that big a deal. (Primetime Deion Sanders and Clinton
Portis both come to mind.) Well, I guess the Fed's saw it differently, and now Vick faces almost two years in prison and two years away from the football field. I won't be shocked if he's back in the NFL in a few years, but this fiasco has already cost him millions in endorsements and any chance at being a pro-bowl player again.

I guess he tested positive for marijuana while he was on house arrest waiting for his trail, and told the judge he was so depressed that he didn't know what else to do. Immediately after saying all of that, he expressed to the judge that he was a changed man. A changed man, huh? I guess it's the type of changed man who can't resist smoking pot even though he's sure that
he'll be drug tested in the next few days. This guy is a damn idiot, and if you read the letter he wrote to the judge, you'll quickly see that he didn't have any part in writing it initially. Sadly, I was able to find some grammatical errors in the letter, which means his attorney is also a dumbass or (more likely) that Vick can't even perform the simple task of copying something onto another piece of paper. I can see him being handed a pen and a letter he has to copy and looking at the person who handed him the materials, saying "What hand am I supposed to use when I'm doing this?"

New England:

I hate them, but they are good. I pulled up some stats on their offensive production from this year, and some of their numbers are astonishing. They are on pace to break every major team offensive record in NFL history. Moss and Brady have been lethal all year long, and last time I checked they were 1-4 or 1-3 Super Bowl favorites. I wonder if a team has been this big of an
odds on favorite to win a championship in the past 20-30 years. Don't get me wrong, I have many a problem with a few members of this organization, so I'll quickly list those people and my problems with them before I continue stroking them.

*Tom Brady*: My hate for him started after I saw him wearing a beret and some gay looking feather type thing (I don't know what those things are called) after embarrassing a team in week 7, 8, 9, or 10. (I didn't see much commentary on how ridiculous he looked on the intrawebs, which shocked and saddened me a great deal.) He looked like he had just been done with a photo shoot for some metro magazine. Dressing nice and stylish is one thing, but
looking completely g is another. I guess I'll just come out and admit that I am completely jealous of him. He's dating one of the top 10 hottest women in the world (IMNSHO). He's won three Super Bowls. He impregnates hot women and then dumps them when they give birth to his children, and he gets to cuss out his offensive lineman, who are all 2x bigger than him, when they jump offside in the 4th quarter of a game the Patriots are winning by 35 points. If this isn't your dream as a male, slowly walk into the bathroom and make sure you have this weird looking thing that dangles between your legs because you might be missing something downstairs.

*Bill Belichick*-No, I don't have a problem with him because he cheated, but I have a problem with the way he's dealt with getting caught. In order for you to fully understand my position, I'll have to explain to you why this issue hits home with me so much. I was the ultimate cheater for, well, as long as I can remember. Not big things, but tests and an occasional push-off in basketball were quite common for me back in the day. I see no problem with these things as both are necessary for someone as lazy and unmotivated as I can be at times. I was caught cheating once in my 15 yrs of uh, cheatery, when a high school accounting teacher set up a sting operation with some "goodie two shoes" girl in my class. She basically switched out the answers on a couple multiple choice quizzes so that I would put the wrong answer down for all 50 questions. I was disappointed in myself for getting caught, but I didn't turn into a brash and arrogant prick when I did.

Billy B has acted like he has a point to prove to the NFL even though he's the one who got caught. I do this same type of thing when I get in arguments and fights with other people (i.e. acting all pissy and getting people to apologize to me even though there's a good chance I'm in the wrong), but for some reason when someone does it on such a grand scale, it really pisses me
off. The bottom line is that he was using video to cheat against other teams in the league. Instead of being a man and admitting to his mistakes (this is a pretty serious conviction), he is acting like he did nothing wrong. He is one of the best coaches of all time, and I respect him a great deal, but I would like to seem him be a little more subtle with his "f* you NFL and
everyone. I am going to prove to you that I'll kick every teams ass without cheating" mentality. When you get caught in life, you should admit to your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. Bill, I'm disappointed in you and stop wearing that hoodie before I drive up to Foxborough and take a #2 on it.

*Teddy Bruschi*- I hate him because he looks like a transformer, but more so, because he pronounces his name "Brew-ski", when it obviously should be pronounced "Brew-shay" or "Brew-shey". I know it sounds cooler if it's pronounced the way he says it, but where would we be if everyone was at liberty to pronounce their name whatever the hell way they wanted to?
Certainly, unfettered regulation of name pronunciation would lead to chaos and riots in the streets. Oh, and one more thing about the name: after the age of 22, anyone who goes by the name of Teddy should drop the"dy" from the end of their name (case by case basis of course but this holds true 90% of the time. Wow, Ted has a lot of work to do.

*Randy Moss*- I actually find Randy Moss really funny, but I'm pissed that he underperformed for the last few years. He is the most gifted receiver of all time, and his lack of effort meant that I missed out on two years of ridiculous catches. However, I do find it extremely funny that he sounds like a white hick from Alabama.

Ok, now that I'm done with all of that, I'll just quickly state that I think the Patriots are going undefeated and winning the Super Bowl. They are truly taking all of this personal and Tom Brady is so insanely competitive it's ridiculous. That fact, on top of Belichick's genius coaching, almost guarantees a Super Bowl victory. I don't seem them sitting Brady or Moss if they are 14 or 15-0. In some ways, I think this undefeated season is just as important to them as a Super Bowl. They definitely have their priorities out of whack, but it sure is entertaining to watch.

Roger Clemens:

This is for Log (welcome back). How exciting was it when he was named in the Mitchell investigation? For a couple years now, I have been saying that Clemens is on 'roids. I mean how else would it be possible for a guy to put up the numbers he has at his age (cough Bonds)? Going back to my long Bond's article I wrote when he tied the home run record, I remember saying that Bond's had been unfairly singled out by the media because he was a "bad guy". Clemens, on the other hand, was a media darling for some reason. Even though he's never been the most outgoing or available guy, ESPN and other major media ride his cock like it's some super roller coaster that gives you magical powers if you hop on it.

I sent Log an article that was linked for Deadspin a few days ago that broke down his performance each year after having something shot into his butt (and no, not I'm not talking about Andy Pettite's special sauce.) Here are Clemens' statistics from 1998 after he supposedly roided up for the first time.

- 1998 Stats, before July 12: 9-6 record, 3.55 ERA, 119 IP, 47 ER (shot
up in June)
- 1998 Stats, after July 12: 11-0 record, 1.71 ERA, 115.2 IP, 22 ER

Your honor, the prosecution rests it's case. The article goes on to show more supposed connections between his steroid use and performance. If he's not finally shamed into retirement after these findings, then we'll all know he's a big time asshole. For years, people were calling him the greatest pitcher of the last 20-30 years, and perhaps even ever. Those like Tom
Glavine, Greg Maddux, and Randy Johnson were placed on the back burner as Clemens continued to further separate himself from the rest of the elite pitchers. I just hope he wasn't juicing this year because he was absolutely atrocious and his salary, when looking at his performance, was probably the worse in baseball history. Knowing how the media typically deals with it's darlings, Clemens will probably get a free pass and get into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. I really don't give a shit though, he embarrassed himself enough this year, and this put the icing on the proverbial cake. In 15 years, Clemens will probably weight 300 pounds, have a mullet, and still be collecting 5-10 million a year from the Yankees.

*Sidenote 1: Andy Pettite (admitted) said that he used HGH in 2002, while on the DL and recovering from an injury. I'll just remind everyone now that HGH was not on baseball's list of banned substances when he used. I've seen some internet boards asking the question: "Should Pettite be suspended?" Well idiots, I think I just might have the fucking answer and it's NO! If
Gatorade is banned as a performance enhancer next year, should Bud Selig suspend the entire league? Literally, anyone who answers yes to that question should receive a wet-willy from the dirtiest person they know. I can't keep talking about this because it's as annoying as taking a piss that stings because some soap got in the ole' pee-hole.*

*Sidenote 2: Fernando Vina was also named in the Mitchell Report. Maybe this will be enough to get him off Baseball Tonight. Unfortunately, they don't make steroids that help people make a coherent sentence from time to time because I'd definitely be for that. Fernando Vina was garbage with steroids and probably wouldn't make a women's dykeball...I mean softball team, withouttheir help.*

92 Year Old Women:

This story, from the weird and whacky chronicle, definitely takes the cake for funniest of the year. In Memphis, TN a woman was robbed at gunpoint in her car outside of a Walmart. If I hadn't read the store, I would have assumed that she was leaving a convention center after attending one of those 'Antique Road Shows', so I'm glad my confusion was cleared up. Anyway
the women, named Pauline Jacobi, refused to give the robber her money.

She reads her bible everyday (and was obviously hopped up on something). She told the man that she wasn't going to give him the money, and as he persisted, she said "no" three more times. He then told her that he was going to kill her, to which she coolly responded, "As quick as you kill me I'll go to heaven and you'll go to hell. Jesus is in this car and he goes with me everywhere I go."

Almost immediately, she says, the robber broke down in tears. I just don't understand how some religious babble by someone even normal senior citizens would consider "a little too old to be useful anymore" could actually make a grown man cry by telling him he would go to hell if he killed her. I mean the man obviously knew the lady was old as hell when he approached her,
jumped into her car with a gun, and threatened her life for money. All of this wasn't enough, but the simple line "You'll go to hell" scared the shit out of him. I would have laughed in her face and said "Granny, fork over the damn cash before this car gets messy."

Just joking, just joking. I think this is an absolutely great story. The man said he was going to go home and pray later in the night, but Pauline told him that he didn't have to wait to pray. He then said he would start praying right away. She ended up giving him $10, and told him to go on his way. She relayed this story to friends and somehow the police caught wind. Supposedly, the police don't really give a shit if this man was "saved" by Jesus after good ole' Pauline witnessed in that Walmart parking lot. They are still looking for him, and if you have any information leading to the arrest or indictment of this man, please call the Dyer County CrimeStoppers at (731) 285-TIPS. Haha, Pauline doesn't want the cops to pursue the case, but they are going to do it anyway. Stories like these always remind me of why I love cops so dang gone much :-)

My One Christmas Wish:

Punch the most annoying person you know in the face. (I am going to actually try to make my own wish come true. When I drive back to California after New Years, I will be heading to Dallas to punch Terrell Owens in his face.)

I know everyone has somebody they absolutely despise. Maybe it's that person who spells ridiculous like this: rediculus. Hell, I can think of about 100 people who almost fit the bill. I'm probably that person for at least one person reading this blog. So if you see me over Christmas, and have the urge to punch me in the face, do it. Just know that you will be fulfilling my
wish, so in all actuality I'd be the winner. Wow, funny how things work, huh?

Ok, that is it for now. I hope you were able to follow my random rants, musings, and rambles. Everyone have a great Christmas, be safe, and remember to where protection only if you have a "quick trigger", and can't get out in time. When I die, I hope I can at least be the Devil's #2 guy. Hey, you have to start thinking long-term when you know, without a doubt, that you are
going to hell.

Editing is for c, t, f, b, and d words. Everyone send me a Christmas card (w/ 5$ in it).

Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

2007-12-17T02:13:00.000-05:00

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

BCS Bowl Projections

2007-12-02T19:52:00.000-05:00

This is funny. OSU in the Title game again. The BCS loves Columbus. Oh, and by the way, all of the luck in Ohio sports funnels right to the capital. Shocking stuff, but I love it.

Anyway,

National Championship Game-- OSU vs LSU

Let the Les Miles dick sucking party begin. Oh and to everyone that hates OSU (sammich, I'm looking at you), who else should be there? I'm not saying they deserve it-- in fact, no one really deserves it. They should almost consider canceling the game.

Rose Bowl-- USC vs Illinois

USC is tied in with the Pac-10 Championship, and the Rose gets the first replacement pick since OSU is #1. I say they take Illinois for tradition's sake. They like that in Pasadena.

Sugar Bowl-- Georgia vs Hawaii

The Sugar gets the second replacement pick. I say they take Georgia. They also get the last pick and get beated with Colt Brennan.

Orange Bowl-- Virginia Tech vs Kansas

The Orange takes the ACC champion, and gets the first pick after replacements are made. Kansas is the pick here. If they took West Virginia, the Fiesta would end up with Big 12 vs Big 12. Not allowed

Fiesta Bowl-- Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Oklahoma is tied in with the Big 12 spot. West Virginia. Whatever.

How many of these will you watch? I'll watch the Rose and the NCG I guess. Maybe Fiesta? We've become too spoiled with great college teams to watch every year (USC with Leinart and Bush, Vince Young, those awesome Miami teams). Now we're upset because no one is dominating. Oh well. We'll check back after the results come out in ten minutes. Eh, probably not.

Santana Sweepstakes, Etc.

2007-12-02T15:50:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, most of you probably thought this site was dead. Well, you're probably right. What can I say, we've been busy. The only thing that's kept me from announcing the end of the blog is that there's really no reason to shut it down considering its free. So we'll probably keep posting things when we get the chance and maybe people could check it once a week or something like that until we can get this thing going again (big if).

Anyway, I wanted to say a few things about a few things instead of studying for my finals. First off, the Yankees and Red Sox are in yet another bidding war that exemplifies why most people hate them. But the argument, at least from my perspective, is that you can't be that critical of them because they've both worked pretty hard to put themselves in this position. Its a far cry from the Yankees teams of the late nineties who threw money around hapazardly like they were Lil Wayne at the Gold Club. Both teams are in the position to make solid offers for Santana and still leave their farm systems in pretty good condition. In the case of the Red Sox they can actually deal two players because they have an overabundance of talent. Ellsbuy is blocked in CF by Crisp and SS Jed Lowrie is blocked by Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia.

So who is going to get Santana in the end? The Yankees have announced that they are offering Phil Hughes to go along with Melky Cabrera and a third mid to high level prospect. The Red Sox were offering Jon Lester, Coco Crisp, Lowrie and a fourth prospect but have decided add Ellsbury instead of Crisp and remove Lester from the equation. I'm assuming that any change in the Red Sox offer at this point would have to make it at least equal to the Yankees offer if not better, otherwise why make it? The Yankees cannot upgrade much more since they have already said they will not include Joba Chamberlain or Ian Kennedy under any circumstances, so the question is really who do the Twins prefer: Ellsbury or Hughes? My opinion is that they would prefer Hughes since good pitching is harder to come by and there are some other CF options still out there (Aaron Rowand, Andruw Jones, etc.). But the Red Sox have already decided they can part with Jon Lester since he was offered in the original package, so my guess is that they will be forced to give him up too if they want to land Santana. While that would be a pretty steep price, especially knowing Santana will demand something around $140 million over six years, a rotation of Santana, Beckett, Matzusaka, Schilling, and Buchholz is something that should be too good to pass up.
Let the hating continue.

I also wanted to brag a little bit about Xavier basketball. In case you didn't know we're ranked 23 and 25 in the AP and Coach's poll respectively. Our average margin of victory is 25 points and we have six players averaging double figures. Let me say that again...six players averaging double figures. I know its early but watch out for this team.

The United States will be once again graced with my presence very shortly so check back in the next few weeks and who knows, maybe they'll be another post.

Ohio State is going to sneak in.

2007-11-23T19:50:00.000-05:00

Fuck.

Hey Guys!
When Missouri beats Kansas tomorrow night and then loses in the Big 12 Championship(or vice versa) hybn, TOSU will face off against West Virginia in the National Championship game. Do either of those teams deserve to be there? Absolutely not. But who else does? Nobody. TOSU has the 79th hardest schedule in the nation. That's fucking hard. They should be #1 because of all the good teams they beat. The only good team they played was Illinois, who lost the Mizzou by six, Iowa by four, and michigan by six (Chad Henne for Heisman is one of the worst quarterbacks ever and he makes michigan that bad). Who knows how TOSU will fare in the title game.

Maybe I prematurely said WVU will sneak in. We all know how bad the BIG EAST is and they still have UCONN and SHIT at home. There is a pretty good chance they will lose once Pat White gets hurt in the first half. This means Rudy Carpenter still has a chance OHHHH wait no he doesn't, good luck not getting drafted.

Could it be Georgia if they beat the Jackets and LSU? Nah I'll take the GaTech defense in an upset. Let's not go any deeper into the rankings. I am getting into the VaTech, Oklahoma, USC territory and the voters will keep LSU, Kansas, and Mizzou in front of them. So here's the deal. The Ohio State University is already a LOCK for the title game. God hates me and therefore its sold, no arguments please. Who will they play? Who cares. It's too hard to tell.

However teams need to learn something. TOSU has scraped by into the national championship game twice in the past five or six years. So for future reference follow the Bucks plan. If your conference is going to be bad, and your team is going to be bad, just schedule the MAC, and I-AA teams for out of conference. Then hope you go undefeated (thank you Juice) and sit around for three weeks watching teams lose. The Big 12 and SEC have their title games and those usually knock off a good team. Ohio st. does something smart by not scheduling any bye weeks. They don't lose any momentum or rhythm during the season, and when its over they just sit around and wait.

The strong schedule isn't necessary to make it anymore coughirishcough. If teams like Ohio State can not play a single tough team and make it to the big game, then why should anyone voluntarily play anyone with players who aren't mentally retarded. Just hope every other team sucks. 12-0 is always a good indicator to these oblivious news writers.

*if tosu played wvu they will lose. tressel cant stop the spread offense. hes retarded when it comes to stopping blacks. ie vince young, percy harvin, juice willians, tim tebow (black at heart)

Exposing San Francisco and the Seahawk who wishes he lived there

2007-11-12T18:02:00.001-05:00

I hope the few of you that still check in here enjoy.

The NFL guys who play out on the West Coast usually don't have to explain themselves to us lazy Midwesterners. We get home from school or work and tend to move only when a pizza man is knocking at the door or when the remote control falls to the ground. Even urinating is an issue. Sometimes I have to trick myself into thinking something really cool or fun is in my bathroom so that I don't pee in my pants. In fact, I've considered adult diapers, but I've got an active bladder, and the extra absorbency I'd require would drive the price up too high; non-commodity items are typically expensive.

As a result of this laziness, we tend to forget to hold West Coast players as accountable as, say, someone like Ben Toothlessberger or Eli Manning. We hear and read more about the east coast guys. When they are struggling, we all know and are very quick to criticize. Other teams out west, like the Cowboys, do get a ton of national media coverage, but for the most part, teams such as San Francisco and Seattle go under the radar.

Well, I'm sick of it. A little accountability is needed. I will not sit back indolently as west coast players get a free pass. The east coast bias works two ways my west coast friends. You can't have your cake and eat it to. (I have no idea what that means or if its relevant to the point I'm trying to make, but it sounds interesting, and I hear it used from time to time in situations that seem a little "double-standardy", so I'm going to go with it.)

So today, I've turned into a bit of a Sherlock Holmes, and decided to expose a few west coast NFL players who have destroyed many a Fantasy League for hard working, honest, American football enthusiasts this year. These guys have floated under the radar for too long and now its time they are properly criticized (or injured if you are one of those folks who is entirely too serious about Fantasy Football.) .To be honest, I am not angered by any of this as I haven't checked my fantasy teams since week 2 (after taking two devastating beats at the hands of Marion Barber), but I know some of my more motivated fantasy brethren are, so I'll bitch on their behalf.

I have to begin with Darrell Jackson of San Francisco. He's been an absolute late term abortion. Jackson has 20 catches for fewer than 240 yds. He is the inspiration for this article. I remember being told how great of a pick this was during my fantasy draft. At first, I thought my jackass friends had convinced me to take a guy they knew was going to suck, but a closer looked indicated that wasn't the case. Jackson was pretty decent with the Seahawks , and was expected to be San Francisco's #1 receiver.

Here's a little description of his 06' season:

Jackson caught 63 passes for 963 yards and a career-high 10 touchdowns last season. He was leading the NFL in touchdown receptions late last season before he missed three games with turf toe.

So this douche almost reaches 1000 yards last year, and doesn't even play during the last part of the season. Now, he's on pace for under 500 yards and has scored one time. Really, Darrell? He should be forced to listen to Mellancamp's "Our Country" on repeat for 2 years straight. Then, everyone who drafted him should get to line up at his house in San Fran and take a dump on his doorstep.He wouldn't care. He's making around $5 million this year. What are the odds of him playing for the Arena League's Colorado Crush next year?

Jackson's teammates aren't fairing too much better. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Frank Gore have combined for around 120 points, which means the entire 49ers offense doesn't have as many points as the top 5-10 individual fantasy performers. This was supposed to be the 49ers break out season, and instead, their kicker, Joe Nedney. has more points than every offense player other than Gore. Vernon Davis wears Under Armor, so I guess he has an excuse, but the others have some explaining to do. San Francisco players, "YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR HOUSE." Now, imagine me screaming this, while wondering why Under Armor has such a ridiculous advertising campaign. You'd have to be on steroids (or painkillers I guess) to enjoy this shit.

The next guy that needs to be mentioned is the fruit cocktail, Shaun Alexander. He's been an absolute waste. I knew he was overvalued, and he's definitely been delivering some beats in leagues across the country. He hasn't rushed for over 50 yards or scored a touchdown in his last 4 games. I'd suggest fantasy owners get rid of him before he gets knocked out for the year. Yes, his '05 campaign was one of the best in NFL history, but he was running behind the Seahawk's left side of the offensive line, so it's a bit skewed. Once Hutchinson left for Minnesota, I knew Alexander would struggle. He still has Walter Jones, but it's not quite the same without #76. Oh, and if you don't believe these guys were instrumental in helping Alexander win his MVP, look at what Purple Jesus is doing up in Minnesota with Hutchinson's help.

Shaun Alexander just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because he sounds like a white guy (a la Tony Gwynn) and can usually be seen smiling and dancing all gayishly on the sidelines. I'm not really sure, but it makes me want to hurt infants and old people (two age groups I generally enjoy). Watch this video. He gives Fr. Jon Kitna a run for his money.

I'm starting to get angry now, so I'll stop. I'll attempt to break down the Travis Henry disaster and take a look at those unpredictable Cardinals next week. Oh, Phillip Rivers isn't good either, but I blame that on Norv Turner. People are always saying "Fire Norv Turner, Fire Norv Turner.", and I disagree with that statement. I don't think he should be fired. I think he should be shot into space in one of those cool rocket ship type things. That way the San Diego front office could avoid some of that weird tension that happens when someone gets called into the office and told, "you're going to have to be let go." Firing someone is awwwkkkwaarrrdd.

Editing is for c-words.

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

2007-11-10T04:05:00.001-05:00

Fuck you BigLots

Buzzsaw:

Arizona State -7 v UCLA
Ohio State -15 v Illinois
Florida/South Carolina Over 59.5
Dallas -1.5 v NY Giants
Browns +10 v Steelers

BigLots:

Texas/Texas Tech Under 102.5
Miami +49 v Virginia
Kansas -5.5 v Oklahoma St.
New Orleans +10.5 v St. Louis
San Diego +3.5 v Indianapolis

Guy:

Wisconsin +3 v Michigan
Georgia -2 v Auburn
South Carolina +7 v Florida
New Orleans -10.5 v St Louis
Oakland +3.5 v Chicago

Sammich:

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

2007-11-02T17:20:00.000-04:00

I suck, so I'm not gonna waste my time with a single game preview ... plus I'm lazy. Also, it's the Hawks opening night, and I'm too excited to think about anything else. It's actually weird how excited I am. For anyone who bets the NBA, 80% of people are on the Mavs, and the line hasn't budged ... they're winning. On to the picks.

Buzzsaw:

Temple +9 v Ohio
Virginia pk v Wake Forest
Notre Dame -3 v Navy
Redskins/Jets over 35.5 ... I'm gonna be on this huge, Skins defense is being majorly overrated their CBs are in shambles ... again.
Vikings +7 v Chargers

Biglots:

Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Texas/Oklahoma State Under 61.5
South Florida/Cincinnati Under 50.5
Browns/Seahawks Over 46.5
Eagles +3.5 v Cowboys

Guy:

Oregon -8 v Arizona St
Minnesota +12 v Illinois
South Florida -5.5 v Cincinnati
Colts +5 v Pats (Addai will be pow pow pounding the ball)
Saints -3 v Jaguars

Sammich:

Ohio State -16 v Wisconsin
Navy +3 v Notre Dame
UCLA -1 v Arizona
Colts +5 v Patriots
Seahawks +1 v Browns

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

2007-11-01T11:56:00.000-04:00

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a ~~Bronx native~~ Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)

2007-11-01T02:31:00.000-04:00

Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.

"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy

This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."

"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy

We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."

"Dude where's your costume?" Guy

So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"

"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy

Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"

"Way too cool to dress up" Guy

These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.

It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.

The Contest

2007-10-26T19:45:00.000-04:00

Due to the fact that Buzzsaw was at the Virginia Tech debacle last night (Boston College is trash), I'm filling in for him and posting this week's picks. It's time to update the standings first though.

Standings
BigLots 26-14
Guy 22-18
Sammich 16-23-1
Buzzsaw 13-23-4

To sum it up, I'm awesome and Buzzsaw will be taking an entire beer up the butt shortly.

Onto the picks:

BigLots:
West Virgina/Rutgers Under 57
Houston/UTEP Over 74
South Florida -4.5 @ UCONN
Tampa Bay -3.5 vs. Jacksonville
NY Giants -9.5 @ Miami

Buzzsaw:
Iowa +3 v MSU
Ohio St -3.5 v Penn State
Minnesota +23 v Michigan
Redskins +16.5 v Patriots
Dolphins +9.5 v Giants
**BONUS** Bye pk v Notre Dame

Guy:
UConn +4.5 @ USF
Washington St +5.5 v UCLA
Oregon -3 v USC
Miami +9.5 v NYG in London
Carolina +6.5 v Indianapolis

Sammich:
Vanderbilt -13.5 v Miami (OH)
Ohio State -3.5 @ Penn State
Michigan -23 v Minnesota
New York Giants -9.5 v Miami in London
St Louis -3 v Cleveland

Things That Suck:

2007-10-26T14:37:00.001-04:00

I've been in Germany the past week and haven't had access to a computer except to watch the Red Sox but sent me this article so here it is. Enjoy.

My Life:

I try to get things accomplished and end up writing 2 page blog articles. People tell me no when I offer to give them stuff for free. My favorite season, fall, is now 1 week long. It goes from 85 to 50 degrees over the course of three days. I'm down, and have decided I want to be a dog. As I sit next to my sister's dog, Boozer, who has been sleeping peacefully for the better part of two hours, my jealousy grows stronger and more steadfast

The dog doesn't do anything all day. He sleeps, walks around, chews on a bone, and whines when no one plays with him. People watch when he is going to the bathroom, which kind of sucks, but I'd let someone put a leash on me and take me outside to drop my deuce in a heartbeat if it came along with all of the perks of being a dog. No responsibilities of any kind exist for this thing, and he's the biggest asshole in the world. Doesn't have to wipe after shits, farts whenever he feels like it (yep, he just ripped one in his sleep and didn't even notice), and gets to bark (the dog form of yelling at people) whenever he is unhappy. Oh, and if he rolls over, he gets a treat. If I roll over, it probably means my apartment is burning to the ground.

His life seems so simple. Throw in a couple prescription pills, some bottles of bud light, and the ability to bet on the occasional sporting event, and I would accept any offer to become a dog.

The World Series:
After the Red Sox route yesterday, I am beginning to think this World Series is going to be as boring as the others we've seen over the last few years. World Series years '04 and '05 produced little excitement as both were four game sweeps (that is unless you're a fan of red or white sox), and '06 wasn't much better unless you enjoyed watching a Quad A team destroy the offensively challenged Detroit Tigers. The Red Sox seem to be playing on a whole different level since going down 3-1 to the Indians. They have dominated every game, and I don't see too much changing. I could end up looking like an idiot if the Rockies make this thing close (which would be ok because I make myself look like an idiot at least 15 times a week), but I don't see it happening.

Byron Leftwich's Legs:
He is officially the Barbaro of the NFL. The only time you see him is as he crumbles to the ground in agony. His ankles are made of plate-glass. He should be taken out back and put to sleep. I've faded the Jaguars for a long time, and was looking forward to fading the Falcons, so I'm kind of pissed, but whatever, I can't talk about gambling on this siteL

Notre Dame Football:
I've been to almost every home game, and I've left with a bitter taste in my mouth each and every time. My highlights of the ND home game weekends include strippers, explaining the meaning of the word FUPA to my Grandma after I told her Charlie Weis had one, and Jay Morris getting kicked out of the Backer for taking off his pants. Notice none of those highlights include an ND win or anything that would make me think they had a chance against any team that's not playing in wheelchairs. Moreover, the entire college football season has been a letdown on some level.

The Colt/Pats and Manning/Brady Comparisons:
I hope no one else watched the MNF game between the Colts and the Jaguars. Tony Kornheiser didn't go more than 5 minutes before comparing the two teams or the two quarterbacks. It got so ridiculous that I contemplated shutting the game off about 15 times, and would have if I didn't have a little cash on it. Unfortunately, I now hate Kornheiser. I've noticed he can't go more than a few minutes without making some ludicrous comparison that means absolutely nothing. Manning or Brady? Here's your answer Tony; I don't give a shit. They are both sweet. Stop making Ron Jorowski flip coins to decide which one he'd take if he had to start a team. I suggest you take Smarty Joines advice and refrain from watching ESPN for at least a week before the Pats/Colts game that's coming up. They will drive this story into the ground like it's the Super Bowl. (Oh, and I'm willing to lay some serious cash on a bet that involves the Patriots and whether or not they'll go undefeated. It won't happen.)

My Fantasy Teams:
Wow, I have been pretty pitiful. I haven't updated my roster in about 3 weeks. It all started after I took a massive beat in Joines' league. I was up about 35 points to Smarty with only the 2nd half of the MNF game between the Bears and Cowboys remaining. We had shut off the game to start a new episode of Curb (which is absolutely awesome this year and doesn't suck at all.) He called me the next day to tell me Marion Barber picked up his usual garbage second half points and that he had won. I nearly fainted on the phone, felt defeated, and have since vowed to quit all together. I'm really good at quitting things when I get far behind.
My addiction to chew:
Just sad. E'snuff said. (sorry that was stupid and gayish.)

Those are the things, off the top of my head, which suck really, really bad. Goodbye for now.

Just Checking In

2007-10-23T16:07:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say about the ALCS. Except, damn. That was pretty cruel. Any true Ohio fan knows that our Buckeyes are going down to Penn State in Happy Valley on Saturday and that the Rams are taking the Browns behind the woodshed for their first win of the season. After all, when it rains, it pours. That's just how it goes sometimes. I would also like to apologize on behalf of the Indians for denying all of you fans of another Bridesmaid article. I know you were all very excited.

My New Haircut

2007-10-20T13:33:00.000-04:00

I just want to make sure that everyone has seen this video. I mean according to Youtube nearly three million people have, but I figured maybe I could touch one more life by introducing this to you. I don't really like italians, at all. I guess these types of people are called guidos in New York. Wop, Dago, guinea, meatball, I-ties, whatever they are all the same to me. They all love to flaunt the fact that their ancestors that they never knew were from Italy. Another common characteristic is the 5'6" italian with short man syndrome. Common side effects include roid rage, constant need to start shit, dillusion that they are a hardass, and a rash that forms the boot of italy with the country's flag waving through it (aka a tattoo). Usually this rash is seen on the back shoulder or "bicep" but the worst I've ever seen is on the calf. The best ailment for this disease is the constant consumption of pasta and meatballs for the anger and a bath in marinara sauce to get rid of the rash. Scientists are currently looking for a treatment that involves the high percentage of random Yankees fans linked to italian heritage, but are yet to find any results. Oh yea, here's the video.

God Tried

2007-10-19T18:11:00.001-04:00

The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.

Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.

So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.

Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

2007-10-19T17:49:00.001-04:00

This week's edition will not be a preview, rather, a list of our picks. If you don't like it, then you can suck my balls ... it was my birthday last night, I'm out of it. Let's bully:

Buzzsaw

UVA +4 v Maryland
Washington +13 v Oregon
Miami FL +5 v FSU
Redskins/Cardinals Over 36
Bears +5.5 v Eagles
Sammich

Miami OH -5.5 @ Temple
USC/ND Over 45
Ohio/Toldeo Under 63.5
Minnesota +9.5 @ Dallas
San Fran +9.5 @ NYG

Guy

Kentucky +6.5 v Florida
Notre Dame +17 v USC
Michigan -1 @ Illinois
Detroit -1 v Tampa Bay
Jacksonville +3 v Indianapolis

Big Lots

Nebraska/TAMU Under 60
Cal/UCLA Under 55
Auburn/LSU Over 42.5
Oakland -1
Dallas -9.5

Rutgers is Gay

2007-10-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

I wonder why Rutgers fans thought it would be necessary to rush the field. They just beat the most overrated team in college football history. I guess that's just Big East football at its finest. They need to get excited about one terrible team beating another terrible team. Remember that time Cincinnati was ranked? That was a good joke. Actually the rankings are just a joke. I wish the voters had testicles so they could put the best teams in the top ten instead of thinking "Oh well they haven't lost yet even though they play Turd U. every week."

If TOSU ever played a team ranked above 56 they might lose, but they have the 78th hardest schedule so I don't foresee this happening. This means I get to endure yet another year of "Like, OMG that one ohio team is playing in an important game, do you wanna like... act like we like them so guys think we are cool? I mean we are supposed to like them right? We are from Ohio it's only like what we are supposed to like.... do right? Let's buy matching jerseys! That would be so cute! And we can like wear them around and pretend we are fans and do that cool OH-IO chant. We can totally fit in. This is going to be the best night of my life." Andddd you don't even know what a first down is, god I hate ohio. As long as LSU plays Oklahoma in a bowl game then that will be fine and I will declare the winner of that the true champion.

Kansas is "undefeated" as well. I can name negative three players on the Jayhawks roster, but if I had to guess one I'd say Nick Collison.

Top 10
1) LSU
2) Oklahoma
3) TOSU
4) Kentucky
5) BC
6) Oregon
7) Socar
8) Florida
9) USC
10) Notre Dame
107-114) Big East

Coach Joe Smooth

2007-10-16T20:57:00.000-04:00

The following article was written by special guest writer Sockless Dilemma. While I thoroughly enjoyed it I take absolutely no responsibility for it.

Eric Schnupp, Baylor’s offensive line coach was issued a citation at 2:20am at Scruffy Murphy’s Pub (I swear that’s the actual name) for apparently whipping his junk out and urinating on the bar. Evidently workers at the establishment saw Coach Schnupp standing in a mysterious puddle of urine with no one else around. The citation was a class C misdemeanor plus a $258 fine….. But instant drunken gratification….priceless.

I can just imagine what Coach Schnupp was thinking as the night went on…

10pm: Man I’m kinda horny tonight…Maybe I should stroll down to Scruffy Murphs and try to pull some ass…These SportsCenter reruns are getting fucking old…Hmmmmm but I’m all by myself & I have nobody to go out with…Fuck it, I use to pull so much ass back when I was banging at Miami it ain’t gonna matter who I’m with…God, my dick’s getting hard just thinking about it. Alright I’ll go scope out the talent level at Scruffs for just an hour.

10:30pm: Holy shit I look so hot tonight. Man look at all the pussy up in this mother fucker….I bet everyone recognizes me…I’m the offensive line coach at Baylor! Those chicks sitting at the table look so hot...I’m gonna have to work up a solid buzz before I approach those hotties. Bartender get me a tall boy & a couple shots of Jack. I’m so getting laid tonight!

11:30pm: Oh baby you’re soo sexy. I can’t believe I’m talking to this 21 yr old fitness major. I dare you to come back to my house with me tonight. I’m gonna tear it up!! I bet this girl is a freak…I need to order like 4 more Jager bombs…

12:30am: How did I get in this predicament? I went from talking to this fine ass personal trainer to be & now I’m making out with this fat chick in the corner of the bar. Wait maybe she isn’t so bad…N/m. I must be fucking drunk to even question if this chick is fat. Oh well nobody has to know. My boyz from Miami would be clowning me so hard if they could see me now J I’ll do her a favor just this one time..

1:53am: I’m at the end of the bar all by myself. I think people are leaving for some reason. The room is spinning. People are sweeping the floors…What’s going on around here? I thought this was a bar for Christ sake. Uh oh I have to take a fatty piss. Mmmkay nobodies looking…..nobodies looking…Oh my god it’s stinging soo bad. That’s it…Little Eric’s coming out to relieve some tension! Ooohh god that feels so good. Jesus I’m peeing on myself right now & I don’t even care. This feels like that one time I was at this frat in Miami my freshman year. That was so tight. Wow I’m still going……..Fuck there’s a cop looking right at me. He’s coming toward me. Oh lord what do I do? I have urine all over me.. I’m standing in a puddle of my own piss…..Utter denial is the only approach to take. I used to play ball at Miami man……

I know the saying about making assumptions, but I like my version.

ND Ranked in Top-20 of Computer Poll

2007-10-16T13:12:00.001-04:00

I’ve been in a blog coma lately, nothing excited me enough to make a post, until now. What could possibly be so earth shattering to motivate me out of my pleasant state of sloth? The BCS, obviously.

There is almost too much to complain about with the present system in the NCAA. How can the human polls unanimously rank Ohio State first while the computer polls rank Ohio State fifth? With such a huge disparity, how can they be equally respected? I’ve always sided with the computers, defending the PCs from naysayers that argued, “computers don’t have a brain … they can’t make rational decisions,” well, neither can Terry Bradshaw and he’s a part of the Harris Poll.

My love affair with the computer polls ended this week; however, when Jeff Sagarin made me look like a fool by ranking ND #18 in his latest poll. Sagarin’s rankings are 1/6 of the composite computer rankings which account for 1/3 of a team’s BCS rating. Here are Sagarin’s most recent rankings:

1) South Florida
2) LSU
3) South Carolina
4) Kentucky
5) Boston College
6) Kansas
7) Ohio State
8) West Virginia
9) Arizona State
10) Virginia Tech
11) Auburn
12) Oklahoma
13) Tennessee
14) California
15) Missouri
16) Virginia
17) Georgia
18) North Dakota State
19) Oregon
20) Florida

Sorry Oregon, Florida, USC, Hawaii, Texas, and, uh, Notre Dame … you are no match for the North Dakota State Bison.

Despite the insanity of this ranking, I think Sagarin might get too much blame for this atrocity. Since the BCS has taken out the “margin of victory” component from its equation, the rankings Sagarin submits have become a disaster while his actual rankings are pretty normal (which includes margin of victory). Which begs the question, should the BCS keep Sagarins rankings in their formula? Or, is encouraging a team to run up the score worse than having North Dakota State ranked in a top-25? The answer to both questions is, obviously, no. The answer to this overall BCS problem is, obviously, a playoff.

Sagarin Rankings

BCS Rankings

Breaking News: Yankees Set to Make Huge Offseason Acquisition

2007-10-13T13:15:00.001-04:00

An unnamed source today has confirmed that George Steinbrenner and the Yankees have plans to undertake a shocking and unprecedented offseason acquisition that does not involve Alex Rodriguez. Apparently the Yankees are going to buy the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

After yet another early postseason exit the Boss was desperate to find another way to use his outlandish spending habits to his advantage. As much as I hate the Yankees, I must say, this is a great idea. The Yankees play the Devil Rays 18 times in a season, so they are essentially buying 18 wins. Not only will it lessen competition within the division, the Devil Rays do have some useful talent on their roster despite the fact that they are somewhere between an AAA and major league team. With an extra 25 man “MLB” roster (stress the quotation marks) the Yankees in essence double their salary cap and get twice as many draft picks. Roger Clemens needs a tune up before making his inevitable July comeback? Send him to Tampa to make a few starts. Perhaps the most brilliant part of the move is that if the Yankees need the Devil Rays to come through in a big series, say against the Red Sox, they can simply trade the majority of their roster to Tampa, take two out of three, and then trade them back to New York.

The only real question is how the Devil Rays players would respond but thus far the attitude has been overwhelmingly positive. “I’m really excited,” Carl Crawford said. “No one likes losing. I’m just going to keep working hard and hopefully I’ll get called up to the major league squad at some point.”

When asked if he thought the insinuation that the D-Rays were a minor league team was a slap in the face Elijah Dukes said, “No, not really at all. I see it as more of an opportunity. But I do like to slap my girlfriend in the face.”

I just wish the Red Sox would have thought of it first.

Bug Selig Has Options

2007-10-12T01:33:00.001-04:00

So I have about two off season issues that Bud Selig is going to look at (in my eyes). He already said on "Pardon the Interruption" that he was going to consider instant replay for baseball. Now mainly this is because it was the day after Matt Holiday didn't touch home plate, but as we know instant replay would ruin baseball forever. I don't even have to think that one person wants instant replay because if they do, they aren't American. Really though, how would they do this? The red flag idea? No way. You have to make it something cool like the manager has to run out onto the field, pick up 2nd base and deliver it to the crew chief. Then the umpire has to open a secret door inside the tube they roll the tarp up in. Now inside this tube is a system of cameras where the instant replay will be viewed and then he comes out with his decision. Just a proposal...

The other thing Selig needs to implement is the good old fashioned mercy rule. Remember the days of little league baseball when your team was pathetic and you would get beat 10-0 in 5 innings or 15-0 in four innings? Just think of how funny that would be if it could happen in the major leagues. Umm yea sorry Buddy Belle but you just got ten runned umm the game is over... The fans get to see a half of a game because their team either sucked or dominated. Everyone is happy. There is no reason for another game where the final score is 30-3. Just end it at 10-nil. This seriously needs to be taken into consideration.

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

2007-10-11T18:51:00.001-04:00

That video made me want to shoot someone

Alright, nothing seems to be working. It's time for me to find a sure thing, these posts have really been getting me down lately. The only thing that can possibly get me out of this rut is ... reverse psychology.

The game? Boston College at Notre Dame. The play? Boston College -13.5 The reason? I can't lose.

I'm really taking this because I want ND to keep the game close since I'll be there, and there's no way I could actually post a correct pick. But beyond that, BC just looks like a good bet. Notre Dame beat UCLA last week 20-6; great win I was very happy, but, if you look at the numbers, the offense was as awful as it has been all year. Notre Dame had 140 total yards. UCLA had 282. ND had 12 first downs. UCLA had 20. Clausen was 17/24 for 84 yards. ND had 0 turnovers. UCLA had 7. And ND only won by 2 TDs.

I love Notre Dame's pass defense, especially Darrin Walls, and I think they will do a good job against an extremely overrated Boston College. I just don't think that the Notre Dame offense can possibly stick with BC, no matter how awesome the defense plays. Was that all convincing enough? BC IS A LOCK!!!

Boston College -13.5 v Notre Dame

Buzzsaw:
BC -13.5 v Notre Dame
Louisville/Cincy Over 65.5
Tulsa/Marshall O 71
Titans +3 v Falcons
Redskins +3 v Packers

Big Lots: TBA

Sammich:
GT +2.5 v Miami
Wisconsin +7 v PSU
Louisville +10 v Cincy
Patriots -5 v Cowboys
Browns -4.5 v Dolphins

Guy:
Oregon -19 v Washington St.
Cal -14 v Oregon St.
OSU -30.5 v Kent St
Redskins +3 v Packers
Browns -4.5 v Dolphins

WARNING: This is a Story About the NHL

2007-10-10T17:39:00.000-04:00

Hockey is actually pretty cool guys. If you count golf as a sport, then in my opinion hockey is the second toughest sport to pick up and play. Unless you are from Canada (Minnesota included). The thing is, in any sport you walk or run, but in hockey you have to learn how to skate. Not only that, but skate fast, skate backwards fast, stop, handle a stick/puck while doing all of that. Or perhaps stop a tiny black object flying over 100 mph at you. Anyways it may bore some people, but they deserve respect.

Now, onto the topic that no one will read... Alexander Ovechkin vs Sidney Crosby. The first a LW, the second a center. The most startling fact? They are 22 and 20 respectively, and two of the best players in hockey. Crosby is actually younger than me. That pisses me off. Ovechkin was the 1st overall pick by the Washington Capitals in 2004 from Russia. In just two years he has accumulated 99 goals and 102 assists. Unfortunately for him, the Caps suck ass and he was -19 last year. Ovechkin has the single most amazing goal ever. In the history of the world. I said so. That's why. Check this out.

Tits indeed. Ovechkin is young, scary, he's a fucking sniper, and he is from Russia. That's only a plus in vodka drinking competitions and hockey. And killing innocent people.

Sidney Crosby is pretty cool. He was drafted as the first overall pick by the Pittsburgh Penguins from Nova Scotia (gay). Crosby is known for his amazing vision and ridiculous puck handling. He has 148 assists and 75 goals in just two season with the Pens. Last year he lead them to the playoffs and played three weeks on a broken foot. That was Leftwichesque. He never told anyone about his injury but instead just kept kicking ass like it was his job.

Number 1 isn't even possible. Numbers 3,5,7 are sick. I don't know he is amazing. Sorry that some of the announcing was in French. I tried to find a de-pussified version but there wasn't one.

Anyways overall I think Crosby is the better start to a solid NHL team. He is from North America and he does cool things. I'm out

Championship Series Preview

2007-10-09T05:54:00.000-04:00

Before we get to the ALCS preview, I want to say a few things about the NL. I know we at Log's Blog tend to rip on the National League quite frequently (especially myself and Biglots), but there were several teams in the NL that I thought could have at least given an AL team a run for their money. Never in my wildest dreams did I consider that we would be watching (or not watching) an NLCS matchup of Rockies-Diamondbacks. Just for entertainment purposes let's look and see what I wrote about these teams in my "Midseason Report".

About the D-Backs:

They really could go either way. Randy Johnson has been good when healthy but that’s saying a lot. Its great the Eric Byrnes is hitting so well but its not great that he’s been their leading power guy. They need more power and production out of the typical power positions like 1B, 3B and the rest of the outfield.

Well, Randy Johnson hasn't pitched since July, but they did get some more power out of their corner positions. But not much.

So what did I write about the Rockies....?

Absolutely nothing. I didn't even include them in my midseason report. But before you call me a dumbass, quick, name four players for the Rockies. I'm going with Todd Helton, Matt Holliday, Josh Fogg and.....and....Yorvit Torrealba!

Alright, onto the Championship Series where one of the teams has a chance to win it all.

The Red Sox and Indians are two very hot teams. They both made pretty quick work of two very good clubs, albeit two clubs who were somewhat flawed (Angels were injured and lacking power and the Yankees were lacking pitching). The fact Eric Wedge and Paul Byrd proved everyone wrong by winning game four means we get to see an ideal matchup with both Sabathia and Carmona well rested. Let's look at how the teams matchup.

Starting Pitching

Carmona is scary good, but so is Beckett. I'll call them a wash. Sabathia is better than the Red Sox number two, whether you want to say its Schilling or Dice-K. (It looks like Dice-K is going to start game 2 again.) I would say that Westbrook is about equal with Schilling, although I personally would have more confidence in Schilling, given his past postseason success. Game 4 is where it gets tricky. As bad as I think Paul Byrd is, he is exactly the type of pitcher who could give the Red Sox trouble. They are a team who is patient, sees a lot of pitches, and wears opposing pitchers down, much like the Yankees. Paul Byrd is the type of pitcher who just pounds the strike zone repeatedly, and we saw it work against the Yanks. The Red Sox have difficult dilemma. Beckett could start game 4 on short rest and still be lined up to pitch game 7 if necessary. He did it twice in the 2003 WS going 16 innings and giving up only 2 runs. The other option would be to start Wakefield if he is healthy. He has historically done well against the Indians and they have only seen twice in the last three years, and not at all this year. I still vote for Beckett. Regardless...

Advantage: Indians

Bullpen

Papelbon is a comfort blanket, Borowski inspires terror. Perez and Betancourt are very good, as are Okajima and Delcarmen.

Advantage: Red Sox

Catcher

Varitek is the Red Sox captain and leader but he's been a virtual black hole offensively.

Advantage: Martinez, Indians

1B

Garko and Youkilis are both solid hitters and superub defensively. Youkilis hasn't made an error all season, Garko has a better range factor.

Advantage: None

2B

Cabrera has done much better than Barfield but Pedroia is a shoo-in for rookie of the year.

Advantage: Pedroia, Red Sox

3B

Mike Lowell has had an outstanding year, picking up the slack for Manny and Ortiz when it comes to driving in runs. Also plays excellent defense at third.

Advantage: Lowell, Red Sox

SS

Not too much to say about Lugo. Jhonny Peralta's parents are idiots.

Advantage: Peralta, Indians

LF

Manny looks dialed in. Even worse for Tribe fans: Manny's average vs. his former team is .357 with 15 HRs. Having Lofton out there is a nice throwback though.

Advantage: ManRam, Red Sox

CF

No contest. Grady Sizemore is a five tool player who is the key to Cleveland's offense. And he's hot.

Advantage: Grady, Indians, female fans

RF

I've given up on waiting for Drew to live up to his potential but his high OBP and defense makes him a wash with Gutierrez.

Advantage: None

DH

Both Hafner and Ortiz are coming off of relatively disappointing years powerwise. Both have looked like they turned the corner in the postseason. Ortiz's OPS in the Angels series was 1.571! For that reason and his past history, Ortiz gets the nod.

Advantage: Ortiz, Red Sox (slightly)

Bench

Both teams have a fairly solid bench. I'm thinking there is one player on each team who will make a major contribution. For the Indian's my bet is Kelly Shoppach. His bat off the bench gives Wedge the ability to pinch run for Martinez late in the game with little to no drop-off. For the Sox, look for Jacoby Ellsbury to factor in as a pinch runner (he can play all three outfield positions) or as a late inning defensive replacement for Ramirez.

Another thing to consider is the advantage that Red Sox pitching coach John Farrell will provide. This year is his first year with the Red Sox and previously he served as the Indian's head of player development. I think it would be safe to say that he probably knows most of the Indian's players very well and will be a tremendous help to the scouting department.

These teams are very even and I think this is the most entertaining matchup baseball fans could have hoped for. As a Red Sox fan I'm hoping the series is decided by some late games where we have the bullpen advantage. However, the Indian's SP advantage could be the difference, especially if either Schilling or Dice-K revert to their late regular season form, or lack thereof.

My prediction: Red Sox in 6

Roger Clemens Goes Out in Style

2007-10-09T04:06:00.000-04:00

I don't know how this week could have gotten any better. The Red Sox sweep, the Yankees are bounced, and Roger Clemens' line in is his final game is:

2.1 innings, 4 hits, 3 ER, no decision

Now I wouldn't put it past the asshat to attempt another comeback, but it seems less plausible than ever that some team would pay him an inordinate amount of money again to post a +4 ERA for half a season. Yes, Sammich, Clemens was very, very good. But he was also a self-absorbed, arrogant mercenary who screwed over the fans of every team he played for. And for that reason I hate him.

$26.1 million for half a season, two playoff innings and an early exit....I hope it was worth it.

2006 Bears vs. 2007 Cowboys

2007-10-09T01:46:00.000-04:00

While watching the Cowboys pull off a miracle last night on Monday Night Football, I couldn't help but notice how eerily similar their season has been so far to the season that the Bears had last year.
Here's the Bears first six games compared to the Cowboys first five games.

2006 Bears
Week one: Green Bay: W 26-0
Week two: Detroit: W 34-7
Week three: Minnesota: W 19-16
Week four: Seattle: W 37-6
Week five: Buffalo: W 40-7
Week six: Arizona: W 24-23

2007 Cowboys
Week one: NY Giants: W 45-35
Week two: Miami: W 37-20
Week three: Chicago: W 34-10
Week four: St. Louis: W 35-7
Week five: Buffalo W 25-24

Each team had a quarterback who had been the backup the year before but was inserted into the starting lineup at the end of the year before losing their first playoff games. Each quarterback then started the next year on an absolute tear, leading their team to undefeated Septembers and earning NFC Offensive Player of the Month awards.

Each team killed everyone on their schedule except for one close battle with a divisional opponent. Both teams were considered possible flukes until they manhandled the previous year's NFC champion on Sunday Night Football.

Then once they started to get the respect of everyone around the league, the aformentioned quarterbacks turned the ball over six times on Monday Night Football against shitty teams on the road. However, each team somehow overcame these performances and were able to win by one point.

Obviously, these aren't completely identical teams. You can't compare the defenses because the Bears was so much better and you can't compare the quarterbacks because Romo is only allowed to be compared to Favre. Still, it's a little scary how similar they have been. My prediction for the rest of the Cowboys year: 13-3, just like the Bears last year. However, they will lose to the Bears 45-3 in the NFC Championship game two weeks before Chicago beats the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

End of an Era

2007-10-08T20:32:00.000-04:00

I never really thought about it until I saw the Rocket walk off the mound. It felt weird to see the greatest pitcher of my time leave the field for the last time. Roger Clemens has been pitching since before I was born. He has been part of baseball for 24 years, and it is going to be strange to have a season without the man. No one will pay him the ridiculous amount of money he requires to pitch another year, and his heart lies with his family now anyways.

You can say you hate him, but you can't deny his skill. His numbers speak for themselves. 354 wins, with six seasons of 20+ wins including his third year in the bigs with a 24-4 record. In two seasons, his ERA was actually under 2.oo. That happens about as often as Joe Borowski not giving up a run in a save situation (never). He has a lot of strikeouts. 4700 some. He threw a bat at a homosexual catcher. Hate him if you want, but he is the best in this era.

I don't like welcoming a new age of players into baseball. I just don't think they will ever have the same stuff, or be as good. I love veterans and I don't think it's possible for guys like Brandon Webb, Josh Beckett, and CC Sabathia to be the next Roger Clemens, Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson, Dave Burba. I even have a hard time with some of the hitters like Jose Reyes, David Wright, the whole Rockies lineup. It just doesn't seem like old fashioned ball the way it used to be. That's why when Bonds was getting close to Aaron, I started to care and was ready to see the record broken. When he hit it, I accidentally missed it, and I was pissed that I didn't get to see history happen.

We may never see another pitcher as dominant as Roger Clemens. Just like there will NEVER be another Michael Jordan or Muhammed Ali. There could be another Rocket, but there will always be the talk of steroids and the game will never be the same. At the bottom of this blog it says hating Roger Clemens since 1996... I can't hate him at all, I respect him too much.

What Ever Happened to Discipline?

2007-10-05T16:42:00.000-04:00

My memory may be faint, but I think that I recall back in the day that when an athlete committed a felony, action was taken. These days it seems like every time a kid does wrong, he gets off with a slap on the wrist and heightened popularity. Their ego grows, they think they are untouchable, and they grow into a poor example and role model as a professional athlete. Just look at the Vick brothers, Pacman, Randy Moss, Chris Henry, Corey Dillon, none of them were disciplined well in college (besides Marcus). I know I have written about this before, but it is time the coaches, and judicial system take control and crack down. There is no excuse to drop charges because they are an athlete. I believe, that if Vick is charged fairly with a very harsh sentence, that it could be the beginning of a new era. However, it still seems as if coaches will do anything to protect their irresponsible players, and do anything to win.

Earlier this week, fifth year senior, captain, and starting safety Tony Joiner, was arrested on the charges of felony burglary when he broke into an impound lot to steal his girlfriend's car. You would expect that Joiner would be doing some time for a felony charge, but no he will be back on the field this Saturday vs LSU. The worst part about the whole thing, Urban Meyer doesn't care. Meyer said that as long as the charge got dropped or reduced to a misdemeanor then Joiner could play. So according to Meyer, it is perfectly fine to receive a misdemeanor because that crime isn't that serious, right? Pathetic, sad, call it what you want, I'm disgusted. Joiner's punishment: he loses the title of captain. That is sad Urban.

Joiner complied with the police the night of his arrest. The witness saw him break in and then called the police. When Joiner tried leaving with his girlfriends car, the witness told him that police were on the way and he drove the car back into the lot, and waited for them to arrive. They arrested him and charged Joiner with a felony burglary. The owner of the impound lot (obviously a huge UF fan), dropped all charges because he said that he lost nothing and nothing was damaged.

It makes no sense. If you are a big time athlete at a big time college, why would you fuck up your career by doing something mentally retarded? Why can't you just take your four years, play your heart out, and make it to the NFL as a touted, respected human being? There is no point in breaking the law when you have everything lines up for you. Would Joiner have done this if Florida beat Brandon Cox? I don't think so. Maybe he was on tilt. Maybe that's his "excuse." But I just think he's a giant turd. Along with Meyer, the whole Florida team, FIU, FAU, every single thug college in Florida that can't figure out how to teach their kids some damn life lessons.

LeBron takes a dump on Cleveland

2007-10-05T11:47:00.000-04:00

I didn't notice it while watching last night's game but its been brought to my attention by a number of people that LeBron James was actually sporting a Yankees hat at the Tribe-Yanks game--at Jacobs field no less. I used to have some respect for BronBron until I realized that he is every kid that I hated in grade school. Not only is he a Yankees fan for no apparent reason, he's also a Cowboys fan and a Bulls fan. You know the kid I'm talking about. Cowboys Starter jacket. Jordan jersey. Brand new Yankees hat. How can any one like such a bandwagon piece of shit? Its bad enough that he's a fan but to wear the hat to the game and proudly display it is like taking dog shit and smearing it in the face of every person in the city of Cleveland. If I were an Indians fan at the Jake I would bomb beer bottles at his head (Cleveland fans already know how to do this).

As if I needed another reason to root for the Yankees to lose. I hope the Indians sweep and LeBron breaks his leg.

Weekend Sports Betting Preview

2007-10-05T11:46:00.000-04:00

Alright, I apologize for my lack of productivity this week, I just got completely shit on with school work. Anyway, this is gonna be short and sweet. I've loved Arizona State all year, I think they're the most underrated team in the nation … think Purdue with a defense. This week they go to Washington State, in their second road game in a row.

Washington State is coming off two awful losses, 47-14@ USC (understandable) and 48-20 @ Arizona (understandable in women's basketball). Overall, they're 2-3, also getting crushed by Wisconsin, 42-21 in the first game of the year. Their only two wins have come against San Diego State and Idaho, teams that are a combined 2-7. Washington State also has a shit load of injuries. Arizona State is 4-1 ATS this year, and Washington State has been raped by every decent team they've faced. I should probably be wondering why this line isn't closer to two TDs, but I don't care. I love ASU this year, they'll win by 10+.

Arizona State -9.5 @ Washington State

Buzzsaw:
Arizona State -9.5 v WSU
Tulsa -3 v UTEP
UVA -10 v MTSU
Houston/Miami Under 43.5
Detroit/Washington Under 46

Guy:
MSU -14.5 v Northwestern
OSU -7 v Purdue
Texas +11 v Oklahoma
San Diego +1 v Denver
Houston -5.5 v Miami

Sammich:
Northwestern +14.5 v MSU
Kansas State -3 v Kansas
LSU -7.5 v Florida
New England -16.5 v Cleveland
Indianapolis -10 v Tampa Bay

Big Lots:
Kansas/Kansas St. Over 55
Stanford +41 v USC
Michigan -29 v E. Michigan
New Orleans -3 v Carolina
Houston -5 v Miami

The Tortured Fan

2007-10-04T14:09:00.000-04:00

Has anyone else ever noticed how a network will have a big game on and they focus on one fan throughout the entire game? I kind of realized this strange occurrence during the Florida-Auburn game. They showed the rise and downfall of one particular UF guy. It seems like there are certain stages...

1) I'm drunk and glad to be here
This is great, I have so much to look forward to. We are going to destroy Auburn. They start Brandon Cox, I mean wow why don't they just put Rick Clausen out there and try to win. After we win I'm going to rush the field and celebrate with Percy Harvin. We have History 223 together on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the other day he brushed my shoulder walking by. Dude then we can go party with all these smokin' Florida girls. I love being in the SEC, it's like hot babes just pop out of holes. Oh man, here comes the coin flip.

2) We scored, we have the lead at home, no stopping us
YES! Let's do some crowd push-ups... oh how i just love them. YEA YEA LIFT ME UP! AHH THIS IS FUN! SEVEN! Good job guys. Hey next week, let's take our shirts off and paint GATORS across our chests. Yes this means you too Gary. I don't care how fat you are, there always has to be the one fat guy who doesn't wear a shirt. Suck it up. Hey let's go get a beer, no no wait everyone's doing the gator chomp.

3) Shit, turnover
What was he thinking?! Your one job is to hold onto the ball. Its ok, our defense is amazing and I mean... Brandon Cox cmon. I think the Cox family has some dirt on Tommy Tuberville. The must have his one son held for ransom. Oh what the fuck Brandon Cox is playing alright.

4) The characteristic downfall
They have too much momentum. I don't know what to do. DON'T TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OK SHARON. WE ARE LOSING TO BRANDON COX. HE HAS NEVER WON A GAME BEFORE. JUST DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME, OR LOOK AT ME. WE ARE THROUGH (Sharon sits down for the remainder).

5) Accepting defeat
Whatever, I mean there's always the Gator Bowl. This is terrible. Tim Tebow sucks. So what if he's a Heisman candidate and he's playing amazing, we have to think that right? I mean we did it with Chris Leak and then he won us a national title.

6) Glisten of hope
Yea there we GO! I take back everything I said about Tebow. He just makes plays, I love it. We have a chance Sharon. DON'T SAY ANYTHING SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. We can win this i know it.

7) It's all even
TEBOW! TEBOW! ALL TIED UP! WE GOT THIS! The mo is on our side. No way Brandon Cox leads a game winning drive. He's such a joke. I love this shit. I just want to party with Percy!

8) Shit, I'm really nervous
I can't watch, I can't watch. I know Cox is terrible but what if? What if someone slips up? I can't do this. I just want to cry.

9) Wow, we are actually going to lose
Seriosuly? I am going to cry. Why couldn't we just have gotten blown out? I would rather be dead right now. I know this is going in. I am terrified.

10) We lost
I'm tearing up. I can't go party with Percy, I can't rush the field, all i want to do is die. Sharon, I'm sorry I didn't mean any of it (at least i can hope she accepts my apology and i can go get laid).

Yes I know the game didn't go this way. It's just an example.

The long awaited update to The Contest

2007-10-03T22:38:00.001-04:00

I'm back. I never really went anywhere I guess but now I've decided to finally get off of my ass and update the contest. I got a little bored with it because I've been dominating so thoroughly. You know that feeling when you're just a little too good at something? It gets tiresome. When I'm not challenged I lose interest. It's just human nature.

Okay, I'm glad I got that out of my system. Truthfully, I only wrote that last paragraph to piss off Buzzsaw. It just so happens that pissing off Buzzsaw is one of the few things in the world that I'm better at than this contest. Actually, as you can see Guy is pretty close to me and could even pass me this weekend if I slip up. Even though it's early, it looks like Buzzsaw and Sammich are going to be battling it out to avoid funneling a beer up their ass.

Standings

BigLots 18-7

Guy 14-11

Sammich 9-15-1

Buzzsaw 6-16-3

In completely unrelated news, the Diamondbacks and the Cubs are just now starting their series. I think it's well documented where my allegiance stands in this match-up. While in the middle of writing this award winning article I happened to catch the starting lineup of the Diamondbacks:

Chris Young
Stephen Drew
Eric Byrnes
Tony Clark
Mark Reynolds
Jeff Salazar
Chris Snyder
Augie Ojeda
Brandon Webb

Jesus Christ that is awful. That team had the best record in the National League, are you kidding me? I knew the D'backs weren't exactly a dominant team but I had no idea it was this bad. I'm relying on Augie Ojeda and Jeff Salazar to deliver me from my own personal hell which would be the Cubs advancing in the playoffs? This is just awful news. I'm extremely bitter right now. I'm just gonna console myself by staring at The Contest standings for a couple minutes.