Monday, November 12, 2007

Exposing San Francisco and the Seahawk who wishes he lived there

I hope the few of you that still check in here enjoy.

The NFL guys who play out on the West Coast usually don't have to explain themselves to us lazy Midwesterners. We get home from school or work and tend to move only when a pizza man is knocking at the door or when the remote control falls to the ground. Even urinating is an issue. Sometimes I have to trick myself into thinking something really cool or fun is in my bathroom so that I don't pee in my pants. In fact, I've considered adult diapers, but I've got an active bladder, and the extra absorbency I'd require would drive the price up too high; non-commodity items are typically expensive.

As a result of this laziness, we tend to forget to hold West Coast players as accountable as, say, someone like Ben Toothlessberger or Eli Manning. We hear and read more about the east coast guys. When they are struggling, we all know and are very quick to criticize. Other teams out west, like the Cowboys, do get a ton of national media coverage, but for the most part, teams such as San Francisco and Seattle go under the radar.

Well, I'm sick of it. A little accountability is needed. I will not sit back indolently as west coast players get a free pass. The east coast bias works two ways my west coast friends. You can't have your cake and eat it to. (I have no idea what that means or if its relevant to the point I'm trying to make, but it sounds interesting, and I hear it used from time to time in situations that seem a little "double-standardy", so I'm going to go with it.)

So today, I've turned into a bit of a Sherlock Holmes, and decided to expose a few west coast NFL players who have destroyed many a Fantasy League for hard working, honest, American football enthusiasts this year. These guys have floated under the radar for too long and now its time they are properly criticized (or injured if you are one of those folks who is entirely too serious about Fantasy Football.) .To be honest, I am not angered by any of this as I haven't checked my fantasy teams since week 2 (after taking two devastating beats at the hands of Marion Barber), but I know some of my more motivated fantasy brethren are, so I'll bitch on their behalf.

I have to begin with Darrell Jackson of San Francisco. He's been an absolute late term abortion. Jackson has 20 catches for fewer than 240 yds. He is the inspiration for this article. I remember being told how great of a pick this was during my fantasy draft. At first, I thought my jackass friends had convinced me to take a guy they knew was going to suck, but a closer looked indicated that wasn't the case. Jackson was pretty decent with the Seahawks , and was expected to be San Francisco's #1 receiver.

Here's a little description of his 06' season:

Jackson caught 63 passes for 963 yards and a career-high 10 touchdowns last season. He was leading the NFL in touchdown receptions late last season before he missed three games with turf toe.

So this douche almost reaches 1000 yards last year, and doesn't even play during the last part of the season. Now, he's on pace for under 500 yards and has scored one time. Really, Darrell? He should be forced to listen to Mellancamp's "Our Country" on repeat for 2 years straight. Then, everyone who drafted him should get to line up at his house in San Fran and take a dump on his doorstep.He wouldn't care. He's making around $5 million this year. What are the odds of him playing for the Arena League's Colorado Crush next year?

Jackson's teammates aren't fairing too much better. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Frank Gore have combined for around 120 points, which means the entire 49ers offense doesn't have as many points as the top 5-10 individual fantasy performers. This was supposed to be the 49ers break out season, and instead, their kicker, Joe Nedney. has more points than every offense player other than Gore. Vernon Davis wears Under Armor, so I guess he has an excuse, but the others have some explaining to do. San Francisco players, "YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR HOUSE." Now, imagine me screaming this, while wondering why Under Armor has such a ridiculous advertising campaign. You'd have to be on steroids (or painkillers I guess) to enjoy this shit.

The next guy that needs to be mentioned is the fruit cocktail, Shaun Alexander. He's been an absolute waste. I knew he was overvalued, and he's definitely been delivering some beats in leagues across the country. He hasn't rushed for over 50 yards or scored a touchdown in his last 4 games. I'd suggest fantasy owners get rid of him before he gets knocked out for the year. Yes, his '05 campaign was one of the best in NFL history, but he was running behind the Seahawk's left side of the offensive line, so it's a bit skewed. Once Hutchinson left for Minnesota, I knew Alexander would struggle. He still has Walter Jones, but it's not quite the same without #76. Oh, and if you don't believe these guys were instrumental in helping Alexander win his MVP, look at what Purple Jesus is doing up in Minnesota with Hutchinson's help.

Shaun Alexander just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because he sounds like a white guy (a la Tony Gwynn) and can usually be seen smiling and dancing all gayishly on the sidelines. I'm not really sure, but it makes me want to hurt infants and old people (two age groups I generally enjoy). Watch this video. He gives Fr. Jon Kitna a run for his money.

I'm starting to get angry now, so I'll stop. I'll attempt to break down the Travis Henry disaster and take a look at those unpredictable Cardinals next week. Oh, Phillip Rivers isn't good either, but I blame that on Norv Turner. People are always saying "Fire Norv Turner, Fire Norv Turner.", and I disagree with that statement. I don't think he should be fired. I think he should be shot into space in one of those cool rocket ship type things. That way the San Diego front office could avoid some of that weird tension that happens when someone gets called into the office and told, "you're going to have to be let go." Firing someone is awwwkkkwaarrrdd.

Editing is for c-words.