Thursday, June 14, 2007

Celebrity Matchmaking: John Daly

John Daly's love life is in trouble, and we're here to help. By now, everyone has heard of Mrs. Daly's alleged knife attack and the story that he actually cut his own face ... whatever, no one knows what actually happened. However, one thing is for certain, and that's the fact that John's marriage is on the rocks and he's gotta start weighing his options. There is only so much masturbating a redneck can do to Jamie Presley, at some point, John is gonna have to get back on 'the course,' pull out 'the driver,' and go for 'the green.' When he's ready to do that, we've got just the girl for him...

Her name is Lindsay, she's nearly 21 and resides in LA ... Despite the age difference, these two are perfect for each other. Lindsay comes from a broken home, her dad was taking advantage of her and her parents separated; she is in desperate need of a father figure. This fills a need for John as well, since he is in need of some 21-yr old vagina. However, beyond their needs, these two have much in common:

1) Booze- It was nearly impossible to find someone that could keep up with JD in terms of alcohol consumption, but we managed to do it. Lindsay isn't hindered by things like "legal ages," she is hands down the drunkest person in Hollywood, and she hasn't even turned 21.

2) Boobs- In our search, one thing was for certain, the match had to have a great appreciation of the female breast. John withstands high prices and poor food quality, just to eat at Hooters ... and the Hooters girls aren't even hot. Their only redeeming quality is their breasts, and Lindsay holds these qualities near and dear to her heart, literally. Rather than going to Hooters, Lindsay can bring Hooters to him.

3) Blades- Some might consider this a turnoff for John, but one must understand that it's impossible to match him with someone that isn't batshit crazy, it just wouldn't work. I'd argue that a date pretending to cut you with a knife is a clear step up from a wife that actually cuts you. Besides, if John cut himself, then he'd be into Lindsay's knife play anyway.

As with all relationships, nothing is certain. However, if Daly can muster the will to play a round with Lindsay, he's sure to find the rough ... if you know what I mean.


Daly Cuts Own Face
John Daly

2 Comments:

Guy said...

How would they celebrate anniversaries? Liquor louge? Case race? I'm thinking Lindsay would be partial to body shots. Mmmmm.

Health Blog said...

Despite the age difference, these two are perfect for each other.