Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Drunk Guy Crashes Super Bowl Parties in LA

Luis Mendoza, 31, was arrested on misdemeanor driving under the influence charges for allegedly running into a power pole in Southern California early Sunday night. Funny thing is this: when Mendoza hit the pole he knocked out electricity for 8,300 residents in the Brentwood area who were trying to watch the last five minutes of one of the greatest Super Bowls ever.

They missed Moss’ parting of the sea and blank stare after he scored that go ahead touchdown with a few minutes left in the game. They missed Eli pissing his pants after he threw the game winner. They missed Belichick walking off the field and Junior Seau looking like he’d just watched his entire family get murdered execution style - all because some drunk jackass doesn’t know how to keep it together behind the wheel while drinking. Oh, what a sight to see! Reportedly, Peyton said he shot a load off in his pants when the Colts beat the Patriots in the AFC championship last year. This year Eli let out a little tinkle after he connected with Burress for the win, but hey, older bro Pey probably told Eli a little pee pee never hurt anyway. It’s better than a bunch of load in your boxers, I guess.

Anyway, can you imagine not watching the last 5 minutes of that game? It’s like God took a huge shit on all of those residents. So I did a little brainstorming and came up with the “5 worst things that could have happened during Super Bowl 42” besides having the power go out of course. It would be a “10 worst” list, but I stayed up all night playing 1$-2$ stud, and I can’t keep my eyes open right now. Oh yeah, I’m 24 years old & a huge loser but at least I’m not denying it like most people. Here it is.

1) My beer-drinking, masculine uncle comes out of the closet by telling me he wants to “tap Tom Brady’s sweet, sweet ass.” Very Colorful. If he did that, I’d be forced to shut off the game and put out the flame(s).

2) I go to my Mexican friend’s super bowl party (if I had any Mexican friends) and unexpectedly have to watch the whole game in espanol. Hey, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. At least, I wound’t have had to listen to Troy Aikman debate whether or not it’d be wise for the Giants to go for it on 4th down with under two minutes left in the fucking Super Bowl What an idiot. Oh by the way; how do you pronounce Eli in Spanish? Is it Elimenudo?

3) I’m completely caught up in the intensity of the game when all of the sudden I hear a loud thud, immediately followed by a yelp. I open the front door to see my dog lying in its own blood under a UPS truck on the street. Instead of getting mad at the driver, I get mad at the dog for wrecking my Super Bowl. I don’t think that’s outrageous.

4) At halftime captains from New York and New England hold a council and decide that the rivalry between New York & Boston teams is petty and insignificant; concluding that divisions are bringing our country down. Straham, the council leader and huge fan of ABC’s Lost, comes out after halftime and makes this speech:

“Why do you (the fans) think that your two cities are the only two that exist? You all have a warped perspective on how shit is run. All I ever wanted to know is if the people from LOST are ever going to get off that God damn island. And really, are the others who they say they are? Why is Locke acting so creepy? Jesus, me so confused! Anyways to punish you, the fans, for adding extra pressure on us players and the paranoid, delusional, striking writers of LOST, we the captains of the New York Giants and New England Patriots agree to end Super bowl 42 in a draw. Fuck you.

5) I decide to stay in for the Super Bowl this year and enjoy a nice little quiet afternoon with the wife. I’m focused on the game, but I can’t stop thinking about the tub of boneless buffalo wings she inhaled no more than 5 minutes ago. Unfortunately, my high school sweet heart’s body hasn’t held up through the years. The only thing that’s sweet about her is the inside of her mouth because it’s holding 6-8 fun size snickers. And, guess what? Her hand is starting to creep further and further towards my private region. Get off my Eli jersey. Are you kidding? She’s going to try and get nookie from me during the Super Bowl. What a bitch. Oh shit, is that Gisele Bundchen in the press box at the game? She is so fine! Wait a second. Man I’m a genius. If I just picture Gisele in my mind and imagine it’s her trying to get with me, I’ll let my wife do anything she wants to me. She could insert a full fist in my ass if she wanted. Not that I’ve tried it or anything. Thank God I’m a quick thinker. Now come over here Miss. Bundchen, but wipe that chocolate off your face.

Sockless Dillema


Anonymous said...

Yo... dumbass... it's NORTHERN California... up near San Francisco and Sacramento!!!

Daris said...

yo dumbass, who gives a shit? eat a d.