"Superbowl Saturday" sucks. I woke up yesterday, and realized there was nothing to do. So, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and watch Lord of the Rings. Boy, what a gigantic mistake that was. Hobbits, dwarves, elves, and disgusting looking monsters from Sauron don’t really do it for me, especially when I’m trying to eat a chicken queso burrito from Qdoba. I nauseate easily, and odd shaped ears, slime, hair, poor hygiene, and one-eyed creatures usually get my tum-tum feeling queasy.
After shutting off that dorky weirdofest, I flipped through the local channels and found American Gladiators on NBC. Back in the day, the one event I always found kind of cool was “Assault”. In “Assault”, a Gladiator would stand on a platform and shoot tennis balls at the players using some big “nerf” gun thing. The players would run from station to station and try to hit a big bull’s-eye above the Gladiator with their own fake weapons. (See picture below)
I always thought the event could have been even more exiting if, at the last station, they substituted a real gun for the fake gun.Can you imagine how much more intense it would have made the whole thing? The Gladiators would have faced almost certain death unless they were able to hit the contestant with a tennis ball before he got to the last station. "Shit I have to hit this asshole, or he's going to pick up that pistol at Station 5 and put a bullet through the back of my head."
Anyway, I got through about 5 minutes of the new version of the show before coming to the realization that a documentary focusing on the history of circumcisions would probably be a more enjoyable watch. (Really, it would be- just as long as my own “No-No place” wasn’t part of the feature) One can only take so much of Hulk Hogan’s overly tan/wrinkly body, that ridiculous handle bar mustache, and his incessant use of the word “brother” before actively seeking out someone or something to beat mercilessly.
So, I went on the internet. I was bored out of my mind. How was I going to spend the rest of my night? Should I go for a run? No, not a chance. Should I spin around for a minute straight until I was dizzy and a little sick all night? Oh, shit I already did that. Should I resort to my typical Saturday night activity and “Cyber Bully” the shit out of some unsuspecting chat room users? Ahh, that’s getting a little boring. Any new hot juicy news about that she-devil Hannah Montana? Nope, she’s still just livin’ the dream.
Finally, a light bulb went on above my head. Not a figurative one, but a literal one after I turned on the switch in the room I was sitting in. Instantly, I realized that I needed to write about the Super Bowl. HOWEVA, I didn’t feel like making any predictions, discussing Gaygate, or boring you with anything that was directly related to the game in any way, shape, or form. So, I began searching the intrawebs. Soon I found a story that was at least mildly entertaining. It just so happened that the story was about the dangers of double dipping chips.
A Clemson study found that the “double dip” turns your Super Bowl salsa bowl into a bacteria infested cesspool. Really, groody I know, but I’m seriously concerned about the health of our faithful-though sometimes gutless- readers. Here’s the scoop:
“Every time a bitten cracker went back into the bowl, hundreds, even thousands of bacterial cells went in with it. In the real world, if you have a dip there, you're probably going to have more than one person dipping into that dip bowl. It could be a big party. You have a lot of people dipping. So every time someone dips they're inoculating that many cells into the dip."
Wow, so I guess you’re getting Mike’s flu and Erin’s herpes flare up along with that little bit of Mexican goodness. Hopefully, you’ll be on the lookout for double dippers and have the courtesy to restrain from making that brazen second dip yourself.
Don’t worry if this article seemed to confuse you. It was the writer’s objective.