Text Messaging Ruins Another Relationship

Note to self: don’t send “sexy time” text messages to my mistress the day I’m getting married. Seems like common sense, but after reading a story about Chelsea soccer player Nicolas Anelka, I’m just making sure I have all my bases covered.

Dipshit supposedly sent dirty text messages to a 24 yr old "shop girl" named Natalie Merriman the day he was getting married to Barbara Tausia- another chick who’s apparently a complete dumbass as well.

Mistress Merriman was quoted as saying:

“"Nico's a fantastic lover with an amazing body. We often had sex four times a night and he bombarded me with dirty text messages. I didn't know he was engaged, and I was really falling for him. But when I found out he'd actually got married and had even texted me that day, I realized he's just another typical lying, cheating footballer."

She also reveals that “Anelka shocked her by sending lewd photos of his private tackle to her mobile, thrilled her in bed with his astonishing gymnastic tongue, and tried to cover up his marriage by claiming it was his brother who'd wed.”

First of all, I don’t know why they call Anelka’s dong a “private tackle”, but I think it’s pretty funny. I might start referring to my thunder as the “Private Tackle”.

Anyway, Anelka plays in the EPL, so it’s pretty safe to assume that Merrimann knew he was engaged. During these days of intraweb-domination, juicy information is only a few keystrokes away. I know you’re asking yourself the question, “Are dirty, whorish women able to use the internet?

And my simple answer is, yes they are. Even those who seem most dirty and whorish are usually able to use a computer. Merriman, the dirty and whorish whorish woman in question right now, was technologically savvy enough to receive “pic” messages via text, so I don’t think a Google search would have been too much for her.

So then, why would she stay with this guy? Oh, I keep forgetting about that “astonishing gymnastic tongue” of Anelka’s. I guess that’s what I’ve been missing with the ladies all these years. It’s just sad that it took an article about text messages to realize this. Even sadder- I guess- that the answers to “all things” romantic involve tongue nimbleness. I’ve got a ways to go in that department. :-(

MA