Friday, June 29, 2007

Welcoming Yi to Milwaukee

After being drafted by one of the teams on his “not approved list,” our boy Yi Jianlian needs some cheering up. The 7-foot, 246 pounder out of China was selected #6 overall in Thursday night’s draft by the Milwaukee Bucks. This occurred despite not inviting the Bucks to his workout in Los Angeles, the Bucks not seeing him play in China, and not putting Milwaukee on his “approved teams” list. Overall, just a great play by the Bucks. If they don’t trade his rights, I will be shocked. But just in case they don’t, here are some things that Yi’s travel agent is recommending he do upon his arrival to Wisconsin.

Brewers Game at Miller Park (Read: Sausage Race)

Nothing to cheer you up when you’re down like a great competition at Miller Park. Oh, and a baseball game, too (that joke would have been a lot funnier if the Brewers weren’t actually good this year). Anyway, there is no telling which sausage Yi will be rooting for, but I’m guessing he’ll just play along with Charlie Villanueva, who is rumored to love large dark hairless objects. So, Frankie Furter the hot dog it is.

The Great Wisconsin Cheese Festival

The hits just keep coming for Yi. The famous festival is held in the first week of June every year, meaning that Yi just missed out.
It is probably for the best anyway, as Yi may have been scared off by the state of Wisconsin even more after seeing both the hefty broads stuffing their faces with cheese and the strange people wearing Cheeseheads.

(EDIT: I just learned that 93% of Chinese are lactose intolerant-- which may be another good reason that he just missed the festival.)

Shotz Brewery

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlemaz! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!” A dream come true for Yi would be Yao and him skipping arm-in-arm down the street reciting this chant to the Laverne & Shirley background music. I think it’s time for Larry Harris to make this happen. Yi might even take off his gloves, put them on top of already-capped
bottles, and wave goodbye to them. Oh, that whimsical Yi.

Press Conference Lessons with Brett Favre
We all know Favre’s genius. “Is he going to retire?” “Is he going to come back for one more?” He leaves his fans hanging on a thread every year. Only Roger Clemens loves the media attention more than Brett. During this two week program, Yi will learn the finer points in giving a press conference. Among these points he will learn timing, shock value, and Favre’s most famous attribute, the “maybe, maybe-not” factor. After all is said and done, Yi will most likely hold a press conference sometime before the Chinese New Year (I don’t know when this actually is, though) or even the NFL preseason to divert attention his way, saying that he may possibly be playing for the Bucks this season, but he’ll have to see about that. If his English is anything like his interview with Stu Scott on Thursday night, it may go down as the greatest press conference of all time. Upon this announcement, NBA Fastbreak analysts Tim Legler and Greg Anthony will strike up so much debate that their respective heads will go Exorcist on us. Then, that son of a bitch Brett Favre will announce his retirement to switch the attention back his way to take the attention away from Yi. That gunslinger really knows how to play his cards.

All that being said, well wishes to Yi and his future endeavors. Hopefully for him, he gets traded to a more Chinese populated area. And hopefully for the Bucks, Yi decides he just can't resist the dark beer and cheese.


Buzzsaw said...

I just don't understand why the Bucks didn't run to him and tell him not to demand a trade, it makes it so much harder for him to be traded. Other things I don't understand are Laverne and Shirley references and why people like Brett Favre

Guy said...

I expected about 20% to understand the Laverne and Shirley references. They're only from their theme song though.

Daris said...

I didn’t recognize the theme song from the words, but I you tubed it and fell back in love.

Favre is a fartknocker. Vegas has to set the total game interception line at around 7-10 every time he suits up. He should wear a dark visor, so ppl couldn't see his eyes instantly closing as he receives a snap.

I think his play calling his deteriorated to "ya'll just run straight down the field to the end zone, and ill throw the ole' pigskin as far as I can, ok? Hey, you guys think coach will let me move the team down to Mississippi?? "

However,, he does have a couple redeeming qualities. He loves chewing tobacco and painkillers! Come to think of it, we’d probably be best friends. We seem to have similar interests.

Fun fact: His middle name is Lorenzo. Anyone else find that strange? He's one of the biggest hicks in professional sports, but has one of the blackest middle names of all time. Me confused :-(

I don't know why I turned this into a Favre rant. I could probably right an article about him. Anyway, good stuff guy!

Anonymous said...

this guy is a joke and sucks at basketball. i cant wqait for him to be traded and for his broke ass to beo ut of milwaukke. mike redd doesnt deserve this. trade this stiff and get him out of milwaukee asap.

Medicine said...

Overall, just a great play by the Bucks.