Tuesday, June 26, 2007

ESPYs That Just Missed the Cut

You've seen the recent commercials and Sportscenter segments-- the ESPYs are near. This year, Jimmy Kimmel and Lebron (LeBron??) are hosting, which should make things rather interesting. Everyone knows all of the different awards: Best Male Athlete, Best Female Athlete, Best Moment, Best Finish, yada yada yada. Those ones are boring, so I'm going to let you in on the awards that didn't quite make the final cut in the ESPN executive idea room.

Best Choke Job

The runners up:

  • Troy Smith, Ohio State (vs. Florida)- The Heisman Trophy winner had a rough time in the National Championship Game versus the Gators, going 4/14 passing with only 35 yards and an interception. Fun year for Ohio State fans. “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”
  • Detroit Tigers (vs. St. Louis Cardinals)- No one in particular to blame here—Sean Casey (.529), Carlos Guillen (.353), and Brandon Inge (.353) were the only Tigers to bat better than .200 in the series. Magglio Ordonez (.105), Pudge (.158), and Curtis Granderson (.095) all probably had something to do with it, though. Plus, how do you lose to the Cardinals? Pathetic.
  • Others worth mentioning:

    Reche Caldwell, his hands, and his bug eyes in the AFC Championship Game against the Colts; Phil Mickelson at the ’06 US Open (even though it was more than a year ago, Phil’s “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment still shines bright).

And the ESPY goes to:

Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks (Game 6 vs. the Golden State Warriors)- 2/13 from the field. 0/6 beyond the three-point arc. 8 points, 10 rebounds in a 25 point loss with the season on the line by the league’s Most Valuable Player. I’m not even sure how Dirk hoisted those 13 shots with those hands around his neck.

Best Chance of Serving 5-10 in a Maximum Security Prison

The runners up:

  • Pacman Jones, Tennessee Titans- At some point, the argument shifts from “Pacman is just hanging out with the wrong crowd” to “The crowd is hanging out with the wrong Pacman.”
  • Chris Henry, Cincinnati Bengals- When kids that live in Cincinnati get bottles thrown at them and beat up, blame a Cincinnati Bengal, and most everyone believes it, there is a problem.
  • Tank Johnson, Chicago Bears- He was just released by the Bears on Monday. If I’m the Bears owner, I get a restraining order. Maybe that’s just me.
  • Others worth mentioning:

    The problem with this award is that you feel like you left some guys out if you don’t mention them. Cleaning up the rest of the mess, we’ve got Stephen Jackson, Golden State Warriors; Floyd Mayweather, just because; and Albert Haynesworth, Tennessee Titans. Note: I also feel bad not mentioning Sean Taylor of the Redskins, but he hasn’t really done anything yet. Just wait.

And the ESPY goes to:

Mike Vick, Atlanta Falcons: (Insert bad dog-fighting joke here).


Best Job by the Media of Driving a Story into the Ground

The runners up:

  • The Super Bowl in regards to Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith- Did you know this is the first time an African-American coach made it to the Super Bowl? And there’s two of them!
  • Kobe Bryant wants out- Maybe too early to gauge the severity, but it’s been grueling.
  • Barry Bonds/Jason Giambi/Steroids- It just hurts.
  • Barbaro- Just trust me on this link. Scroll down to the part about the woman modeling her dancing movements after Barbaro. That's pretty normal.

And the ESPY goes to:

Rocket Roger Clemens’ comeback- Yeah. We get it. Clemens is going to pitch about 6 innings per game as the Yankees are still just a mediocre baseball team. Please don’t air his minor league start vs. the Red Sox farm team on ESPN2 when you’re already being merciless enough by showing Red Sox-Yankees on regular ESPN. One is enough.


Best and Most Shocking Quote

  • Joakim Noah, Florida Gators (upon winning the SEC Championship Game)- “When we win, everybody eats. That's our motto. Everybody eats.” I am pretty sure we still have the Noah dance on “Save Until Manually Erased” status on our DVR at school. We have probably watched and analyzed nearly 50 times.
  • Gary Sheffield, Detroit Tigers on Latin players in baseball- “I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. … [It's about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do -- being able to control them.” Sheffield actually goes on to suggest that there are black players that are sitting at home that can outplay a lot of the Latins. Wow.
  • Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners on his first matchup with Daisuke Matsuzaka in the states- “I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger.” Ichiro went 0-for-5. So much for arousing dormant fire.
  • Others worth mentioning:

    Floyd Mayweather and everything that came out of his mouth on the HBO On Demand special leading up to the Oscar fight, most notably “My name is Floyd, I make it rain” while tossing bills at the camera; Ichiro, again, this time saying “If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying.” I was just at Lake Erie last night. I guess it wasn’t that bad.

And the ESPY goes to:

Clinton Portis, Washington Redskins- “I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, it's his dog. If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business.” When told that dog fighting is a felony, Portis replied, “It can't be too bad of a crime.” He goes on saying “I know a lot of back roads that have the dog fighting if you want to go see it.” After this one, I’m guessing Roger Goodell has him on a leash. Haha! Get it! A leash!

If you won’t be able to watch the real July 15th airing, hopefully that covered your ESPY quota for the year. Feel free to leave comments regarding stories that you think should be on here and even other categories.




16 Comments:

Buzzsaw said...

Unbelievable guy, love the Pacman line.
Does anyone stop for a second everytime you read the name "Stephen Jackson?" It's like there is a Stephen Jackson in some mental institution who's going crazy because the angel on his right shoulder flew to St. Louis to play football and the Devil on his right went to Golden State to fuck shit up (and play basketball, I guess). It's just amazing how they are soo different, but I think of good Stephen Jackson pretty much 1% of the time I heard about people being arrested.

One shocking ommission: Maybe you don't feel that Brett Favre in general hasn't been beaten into the ground, but I'm kind of sick of it. I hope he retires after next season then in 2008 he signs a pro-rated deal with the Bears or someone with a shitty QB for 6 games, 26 million. I would not doubt that he thinks he can do something like that.

Buzzsaw said...

Good call on the Sean Taylor mention, there's no doubt he and LaRon Landry will be into some scary shit when they team up. It's like having my very own gang in the secondary. I can't wait until the FBI tries to get an undercover operative inside the organization, maybe they already have. It makes sense, FBI recruits Smoot when he's in Washington, has him sent to Minnesota to build up his rep (can someone say double donger?) and ship him back to Washington to begin building the case on Sean Taylor. That's an angle people haven't looked at, last season was just the calm before the storm. Or Ed Hochuli might curiously start reffing every Redskins game... but that'd be too obvious.

BigLots said...

First of, good stuff Guy. Second of all, Brett Favre is never welcome in the Bears organization. Third of all, the Bears do not have a shitty quarterback you douche. Fourth of all, Ichiro is the man and will look great in White Sox pinstripes.

Guy said...

The difference between the Jacksons is the spelling of the first name. The Rambs RB goes by Steven and the Warriors swingman goes as Stephen. I agree though-- hearing the name is kind of confusing, but I usually think of the basketball one unless I'm at a fantasy football draft.

Good call on Favre, too. How could I forget that?

Sucks for Ichiro-- he'll just have to come to Cleveland more if he is in the Central.

More things that I forgot:

Quotes: Tim Hardaway and Shavlick Randolph after the whole John Amaechi ordeal. I feel like they had layups though as opposed to my nominees' fadeaway jumpers. Different things come out of your mouth when asked about a homosexual than after you won the SEC championship.

Daris said...

FUNNY SHIT GUY!

Daris said...

oh and TO has to make this list. That jackass has been receiving a ridiculous amount of media attention since his days as an eagle. I guess its more of a life time acheivement award though, so a new category would have to be created .

Guy said...

Good call on TO. How could I forget ESPN drooling all over Big D, Parcells/TO, and Romo and Jessica Simpson.

Along the lines of lifetime achievment awards:

-Shaq quotes-- “The difference between those three is the Godfather trilogy,” O'Neal said in classic Shaq-speak. “One is Fredo, who was never ready for me to hand it over to him. One is Sonny, who will do whatever it takes to be the man, and one is Michael, who if you watch the trilogy, the Godfather hands it over to Michael. So I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane.”

The guy is a walking soundbyte.

Buzzsaw said...

Good point on the spelling Guy ... asshole

Health Blog said...

Those ones are boring, so I'm going to let you in on the awards that didn't quite make the final cut in the ESPN executive idea room.

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