Thursday, October 4, 2007

The Tortured Fan


Has anyone else ever noticed how a network will have a big game on and they focus on one fan throughout the entire game? I kind of realized this strange occurrence during the Florida-Auburn game. They showed the rise and downfall of one particular UF guy. It seems like there are certain stages...

1) I'm drunk and glad to be here
This is great, I have so much to look forward to. We are going to destroy Auburn. They start Brandon Cox, I mean wow why don't they just put Rick Clausen out there and try to win. After we win I'm going to rush the field and celebrate with Percy Harvin. We have History 223 together on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the other day he brushed my shoulder walking by. Dude then we can go party with all these smokin' Florida girls. I love being in the SEC, it's like hot babes just pop out of holes. Oh man, here comes the coin flip.

2) We scored, we have the lead at home, no stopping us
YES! Let's do some crowd push-ups... oh how i just love them. YEA YEA LIFT ME UP! AHH THIS IS FUN! SEVEN! Good job guys. Hey next week, let's take our shirts off and paint GATORS across our chests. Yes this means you too Gary. I don't care how fat you are, there always has to be the one fat guy who doesn't wear a shirt. Suck it up. Hey let's go get a beer, no no wait everyone's doing the gator chomp.

3) Shit, turnover
What was he thinking?! Your one job is to hold onto the ball. Its ok, our defense is amazing and I mean... Brandon Cox cmon. I think the Cox family has some dirt on Tommy Tuberville. The must have his one son held for ransom. Oh what the fuck Brandon Cox is playing alright.

4) The characteristic downfall
They have too much momentum. I don't know what to do. DON'T TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OK SHARON. WE ARE LOSING TO BRANDON COX. HE HAS NEVER WON A GAME BEFORE. JUST DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME, OR LOOK AT ME. WE ARE THROUGH (Sharon sits down for the remainder).

5) Accepting defeat
Whatever, I mean there's always the Gator Bowl. This is terrible. Tim Tebow sucks. So what if he's a Heisman candidate and he's playing amazing, we have to think that right? I mean we did it with Chris Leak and then he won us a national title.

6) Glisten of hope
Yea there we GO! I take back everything I said about Tebow. He just makes plays, I love it. We have a chance Sharon. DON'T SAY ANYTHING SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. We can win this i know it.

7) It's all even
TEBOW! TEBOW! ALL TIED UP! WE GOT THIS! The mo is on our side. No way Brandon Cox leads a game winning drive. He's such a joke. I love this shit. I just want to party with Percy!

8) Shit, I'm really nervous
I can't watch, I can't watch. I know Cox is terrible but what if? What if someone slips up? I can't do this. I just want to cry.

9) Wow, we are actually going to lose
Seriosuly? I am going to cry. Why couldn't we just have gotten blown out? I would rather be dead right now. I know this is going in. I am terrified.

10) We lost
I'm tearing up. I can't go party with Percy, I can't rush the field, all i want to do is die. Sharon, I'm sorry I didn't mean any of it (at least i can hope she accepts my apology and i can go get laid).



Yes I know the game didn't go this way. It's just an example.

2 Comments:

BigLots said...

Instead of showing a Gator fan in the stands they should've just showed this guy. http://deadspin.com/sports/argh/florida-fan-motto-dignity-always-dignity-306450.php

Absolutely hilarious but I have a bad feeling that I look exactly like that guy when one of my teams loses a big game.

sammich said...

Yeaaa about that video. I think I've done all of that before except say "I'm not going to church anymore." because i dont go anyway. otherwise i probably would have