Thursday, July 5, 2007

129 Hotdogs in 12 Minutes= Pure and Utter Chaos

I was going to create a running log of the 92nd Annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, but realized it was only 12 minutes long. That’s like attempting to write a log about the dumps I take, which come to think of it might be pretty interesting (in a gross, stinky, and depressing sort of way.)

When does it become acceptable to keep a running log of events? An event that’s 30 minutes long, or is an hour necessary? Will I write another statement in this article, or am I just going to finish it with questions?

Ok, back to the hot dogs. I was lucky enough to stumble on the Coney Island contest as it was starting. Sadly, I missed the contestant introductions. They are the most entertaining part of any competitive eating event.

Usually the field is composed of:

  1. About 5-10 dudes who just love eating way too much. Put it this way, if God made us all that big, the maximum capacity sign on elevators would read ‘One’ and we would all be riding solo. These guys are just really fat man looking to eat free food. “So I get to eat as many hotdogs as I can in 12 minutes for free???? Yeah, where do I sign up...?”
  2. A couple of old fart knockers (I love calling people that) who are in the “Competitive Eating Hall of Fame” for their eating accomplishments when a hot dog and a whole can of soda only cost a nickel.
  3. Some young-guns who have no chance of winning. Usually there’s a guy with a mo-hawk who looks like he might be a registered sex offender, and some foreign girl who once ate 8 pounds of Vienna sausage in 10 minutes. (I think that’s called prostitution.)
  4. The two stars: 6 time defending champion Takeru Kobayashi and the American hero and patriot Joey “Jaws” Chestnut. Chestnut once dedicated his 4th of July competitive eating results to the troops in Iraq. Not to sound like an insensitive asshole, but you can’t just stuff a bunch of food in your mouth and say it’s for our military heroes. Basically, I’m saying we need to set up some guidelines for what actions are and aren’t “dedicate- able”. (My spell-check just informed me that wasn’t a word, and I think it should be.)
The contest started out with a bang. Chestnut jumped out to a three or four dog lead and maintained it for the first 8 minutes of the contest. He looked like he was going to seizure as he shamelessly jammed wiener after wiener into his big mouth. I had never seen anything like it. It looked like his head was going to explode, but he had something to prove. He was on a mission.....a very, very gay mission.

Kobayashi looked relaxed and did his version of the ‘Toine shimmy (see how my articles have symmetry). Come to think of it Antoine Walker should enter the contest; he’d probably enjoy the whole premise of it. Kobayashi started to make his move with about 4 minutes left. He tied the competition at 48 dogs and again at 54 dogs. By the two minute mark, I was jumping up and down rooting for him. I am a sucker for the underdog. You see, Kobayashi is experiencing what he described as “jaw arthritis”. He went to a chiropractor this week and no one was even sure he was going to be able to compete.

At the one minute mark, the two competitive eaters were tied at 60 hot dogs apiece. The world record of 59.5 hot dogs was going to be shattered! (Chestnut had just set the record a month earlier at a mini-mall in Tempe, Arizona. (Oh, the drama!)

American history was being created! One of the announcers couldn’t contain himself and screamed “Chestnut has just broken the world record! This would be the greatest moment in the history of American sports!!.” The greatest moment in the history of American sports?? I’m rendered speechless almost never, but I can’t think of anything to say after that comment, and unfortunately, I don’t think he was joking. Good job EPSN!

The crowd chanted “Joey, Joey, Joey”.

I was on the edge of my seat. The two warriors were still tied with 30 seconds left. Then, the unthinkable happened. Kobayashi, who once almost beat a bear in a hot dog eating contest, had a “reversal”, which in layman’s terms means he threw up all over the place. The competition was over and “Jaws” Chestnut had won with a new world record of 66 dogs. Kobayashi finished 63 and looked defeated. Joey was interviewed by some jackass minutes after the competition, who told him he was proud he brought the championship back to America. The American flag was being waved more proudly than ever!

All kidding aside, I was truly entertained. Put it this way, the Kentucky Derby, which is known as the “most exciting two minutes in sports” would have some competition if this thing was 10 minutes shorter. Lastly, now that Chestnut has knocked off the “pound for pound” king of competitive eating, I hope he doesn’t dodge tough competition like Pretty Boy Floyd has done in boxing.

Some top contenders who could strip Chestnut of his eating title include:

Yogi Bear- Apple Pies
The Hamburgler- Hamburgers
Popeye- Spinach
Bugs Bunny- Carrots
The Cookie Monster- Cookies (obvi)

I’m ashamed of myself. citizenship quiz


Logan said...

Hahaha I love it. The pictures really topped it off nicely.

Guy said...

A shocking event, to say the least. I, too, noticed the "greatest moment in the history of American sports!" comment. They are unhealthily stuffing hot dogs down their throats. Jesus Christ.

Matt Jenks said...

Couldn't Wimpy give him a better ride for hamburgers? I mean, the Hamburgler just stole the hamburgers, or tried to. Wimpy was always packing them away. And look at that gut. That's a man who can put down a whole side of beef, ground up and broiled in patty form, my friend.

Daris said...

hahaha very good point jenks, but does a man just steal something, let alone hamburgers, for any old reason?

Perhaps you are right. The Hamburgler probably just had a sick infatuation/fetish with the burgers. I won't get into anymore detail.

Wimpy was the true burger eating champ, he knew how to throw with the best of them. Chestnut should be afraid. Cartoons never die!!!!