Thursday, January 24, 2008

No Way Jose

(Picture Courtesy of Viewimages)

I’ve been on this computer so long that “Little Miss Wrong” by the Spin Doctors has made it onto my play list and it just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to use a can opener, so I should probably be getting to bed soon….but I promised 30 articles in 30 days, and as a man of my word, by golly I’m going to do it. I apologize in advance for this article about the shit stain that is Jose Conseco, but really this is nothing else to talk about.

Conseco is in the news again after attempting to extort Detroit Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez. Supposedly, Jose is writing a follow-up to his first book “Juiced” that is going to be hitting book stores by the start of the MLB season. The book, just like the first, will “name names”, accomplish nothing, make this idiot a bunch of money, and prove that God doesn’t love me as much as He should.

Reports suggest that Jose has attempted to contact Ordonez numerous times to discuss a deal. The two played together during a small part of the ’01 season as teammates with the White Sox, and Jose says he has some dirt on Ordonez.

In exchange for keeping Ordonez out of the book, Jose wants Magglio to invest in a movie project he has in the works. Allegedly, the project is a documentary that Jose himself is producing. Oh, and if you didn’t already guess, its’ about steroids. Jose needs to raise money for the project. Certainly, he doesn’t have any of his own or any friends who would be willing to help him out, so he’s resorted to extortion. Alas, Jose has really messed this one up for himself. What more could the book reveal about Ordonez? We now know Jose is accusing Magglio of using steroids, and that’s all the book could really say anyway, so why would Ordonez give him money to keep his name out of the book?

You’d think Jose might have a little money from his first book stashed away in a piggy bank somewhere, but my buddy out here in LA has seen Jose playing at a low limit poker game at the Bicycle Casino. Moreover, a quick internet search suggests that Jose might have entered into a “Women’s Only” poker tournament at the Commerce Casino a few months ago, so I guess he’s not exactly living the high life. All the steroids, strippers, cocaine, and sucking at gambling will take a toll on the old savings account. Bad, bad Jose.

Ordonez said he hasn’t done anything wrong and his turned the matter over to the folks at MLB and the Feds. I believe him. He doesn't like like a 'roids candidate. He's just a portly fellow. So, when everything is said and done, Jose will just be one step closer to his ultimate goal of having every single person in this universe hate him more than someone who leaves a floater in the toilet after takin’a’two.

A world without Jose Conseco would be splendid; too bad we can’t flush him down the toilet.

Matthew Arrowfield


educated bet said...

Looking at that shirt is proof that he took steroids (estrogen)
Peace...iron Mike

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