Thursday, August 30, 2007

The First Day of Class is So Awkward

313, 314, 335? What the fuck, where the hell am I? I see everyone decided to wear their first-day best, I know I should have gone with the Polo. “2002 Football Champs?” I look like a fucking dumbass. Jersey-chasers probably aren’t into JV High School football.

Damn, that bike ride was a little harder than I remember, it’s pretty damn hot in here, oh shit, I’m sweating. Don’t pit out! Don’t pit out! I’ve gotta do something, this can’t happen. Bathroom. Perfect. I’ll just protect my shirt with a few paper towels, no one will notice. Finally, 309, “Hello US History II, you’re my bitch now.”

Everyone’s looking at me, did I do something wrong? Clearly the shirt was a mistake, but it can’t be that bad, can it? Am I in the wrong class? Maybe they think I’m hot, that’s probably the case. Who’s gonna be the lucky lady to sit next to me?

Not her, too smart. Not her, man hands. Oh girl, I see you staring, you may be just the one. I’ll blink twice, if she blinks twice I know I’m in. Damn, nothing. She probably just doesn’t know the language of love, I might be just the man to teach her. Alright, blue shirt it is.

What the hell should I say to her? Should I introduce myself? No, too forward. Make a comment about how gay this class is gonna be? Maybe. That’ll make her think I’m a badass. She’ll think, Wow, this guy really doesn’t care about class, that’s something I’m attracted to. I should probably get these paper towels out of my pits, they might blow my cover. Oh shit, she just blinked twice. Was it a delayed reaction? Does she know the language? Was she speaking it to someone else? ABORT

She was blinking at that guy, wasn’t she? That guy’s a bitch, I could definitely kick his ass. What the hell is he wearing? HEY! Mikey McEmo, what the hell type of pants are those? OshKosh B’Gosh? Let your balls breath! Is that tie really necessary? You’re wearing a fucking T-shirt. I’m gonna punch this guy in the fucking face.

12:14 … one minute until class, I hope the teacher is hot. Everyone talks about having hot teachers, where are mine? It’d be a perfect situation, a potential mate that is forced to meet with me? Too good to be true. Yes Mrs. Sweetass I will definitely be available for office hours. Just in case those don’t work out, are you going to be available by appointment? Great, my dick is available by appointment also.

Goddamnit, another old man; every fucking time. Whatever, I hope this shit is easy. Alright, here comes the syllabus, maybe I’ll reach too far and caress blue shirt’s hand. I can judge her reaction, I’m really good with body language. Fuck, she sneezed on her hand, ABORT, we’re over.

Three papers? Two Tests? AND a mother-fucking presentation? WHAT THE FUCK?? I’m out. I’m dropping this shit like I did blue shirt. I might as well just walk out, Professor Wrinkles can suck my balls. I’m gonna storm out of this BI-ATCH. But ... I don’t really want to get called out, what would I say? I’m going to the bathroom? Guys don’t bring backpacks to the bathroom, only girls do. Everyone will say I’m on my period. Can’t risk it, Wrinkles is lucky. Am I a pussy? I think the Fonz would walk out. I’m leaving ... No, I’m a pussy.

Oh wow, this is unexpected, glad I stayed. Good day to you, pink thong. You really don’t feel a draft? If I didn’t know better I’d think she was sitting on a toilet. How can she possibly be comfortable in that thong tha thong thong thong? Wow, I’m glad I don’t have torettes, yelling that would have been pretty embarrassing. Sisqo was awesome though, fuck the haters. Is that butt cleavage hot or not? I have no idea, I’ll IM Biglots about it later, he’ll know. I mean, I’m an ass man, does that make me an ass crack man by association? Is there such thing as a hot ass crack? Biglots will know. I don’t even like thongs that much, those little boy shorts some girls wear are hotter. Am I gay for thinking that? I don’t think so, they’re tight and cup the ass.

GOD NO! An erection, that’s what I get for thinking about boy shorts. I can’t do this right now. Why are you doing this to me penis?? I’m sorry I couldn’t close the deal with blue shirt. She wasn’t into it. Shit. Two minutes left, I’ve gotta do something. Think of something awful. Didn’t work? But pretending the Pope is cutting off my dick always works. I’m screwed, Paul Bunyan couldn’t chop this wood.

Damn it, class is over. Maybe, if I hold my backpack in front, no one will notice. God I look like a dumbass. Everyone else in the hallway seems to be wearing their backpacks on their backs. Holy shit, that guy just nodded, he feels my pain. Well, what if a girl notices and services me right here? That would be agreeable. That never happens. Water fountain, perfect, I’ll just drink until the little enormous guy gets tired. Problem solved. Damn it’s good to be flaccid. Now where the hell is my next class?


sammich said...

my roommate might be mad at me for laughing so hard when hes sleeping. im not sure

sammich said...

HELL YES MY ONLY CLASS OF THE DAY JUST GOT CANCELED. idk what to do. i cant sleep. so ill write a masterpiece. it was one of those awkward participation classes too. like on the first day when you have to introduce yourself. which is by the way the worst thing ever. name, major, year, hometown, hobbies. no one fucking cares what hobbies you have. every guy says sports. and then theres the one guy who wants to sound cool and says drinking beer. mmmm beer

sammich said...

ok i keep thinking about first days of class now. in my high school i went into the womens bathroom on my 1st day bc i thought it was the dudes bathroom. i didnt know it until i was washing my hands and saw a tampon dispenser. then as i walked out awkwardly, mrs. jensen (for guy) saw me and just stopped. so i had to explain to a 50 year old woman why i was in there...

Guy said...

Thank you for summing up my thoughts of the past week, Buzz.

"Hi my name is Guy, I'm a senior finance major from Alliance, Ohio and I love to deliver beats"

BigLots said...

Haha, unbelievable stuff Buzzsaw. You've gotta teach me that blinking twice move. Also, I didn't realize I was the expert on butt cleavage.