Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I Will Take 3 Baconators Please


In light of David Wells' traveling, I think it is a good time to recognize some solid, stand up fat asses. I am not going to rattle off the most obese, out of shape human athletes, but I am going to acknowledge those who should be in shape for their respected sport, and position, yet fail to care. Let me start off with my inspiration. Boomer has now played for 10 teams in his 20 year career and has clogged more arteries than the rest of the LA Dodgers combined. His numbers were actually better than I thought, winning 15+ games in 9 seasons. He had a memorable year in '98 with the Yanks, leading them to the World Series and being named ALCS MVP. His one perfect game graced us with the opportunity to read his amazingly titled autobiography: Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches and Baseball.

Tits. Breasts. Boobs. Chest Pillows. Knockers. Nips. Fun bags. Hooters. Party Hats. Rack. Ta-tas. Udders. Jugs. Milk sacks. Mammory Glands. Man Boobs. Phil Mickelson has all of the above times two. I guess I just don't see how it is possible to exercise every day (golf counts) and still have jiggly boobs when you walk. If you are that fat, then you should be able to bomb your driver, and be known for doing that (see John Daly who will be mentioned shortly). In a 2003 interview Big Philly Style stated:

"I will always have fat on me. There's nothing I can do about it, just genetics. As I said earlier, I've got subcutaneous fat."
For those of you people who aren't as smart as me, subcutaneous means just below the dermis and epidermis (skin layers), which is in contrast to the visceral fat beneath muscle. Phil said he is not trying to lose weight but just strengthen his core, so it is safe to say we may only have 4 or 5 more years of fat tits struggling his way up the rough.

If you are an offensive lineman, then you don't throw a football. That is, of course, unless your name is Jared Lorenzen aka J. Load. Commonly known for his strong arm and piss poor accuracy with UK he is now backing up whiny ass Eli Manning. I like the Giants, I really do. In my opinion, I want to see J Load taking the snaps on Sunday so I don't have to watch a female cry every time something doesn't go his way. I don't care where this hefty feller is on the depth chart or how bad he is, I just want a man behind center.


When I was a young lad I admired a man named Bartolo Colon. Solid pitcher for the tribe, threw hard, youthful, in shape... he had a bright future. One day before a game, a teammate told Bart that the word buffet means all you can eat. He now reminds me of a mexican Ryan Reynolds from the movie 'Just Friends.' HE IS FUCKING HUGE! 5'11, 245. That is a BMI of 35 which is classified as "extremely obese." I'll let the picture tell the story.

The juicy enchilada, aka Miguel Cabrera, has been shaking his tits around the base paths for a few years now. There was an article on ESPN on the young phenom last month which is no longer available to view, but it had some quotes from owners around MLB. Basically what they were saying was that his weight is going to cause him to lose money when the Marlins sell. Not just any money but upwards of around $20 million. That's a heavy price for being large, especially when you are one of the best hitters in the game. The owners were worried about his defensive ability and speed. Personally I don't care how many children he eats daily, I'd take him.

On to the grand finale with everyone's favorite fat man, John Daly. He actually makes his caddy carry around cigs and diet coke. I would hate to be that guy, it is like you are his personal refrigerator. Daly uses his chub to his advantage. He swings as hard as possible without any form of trying to make it go straight, and whenever Daly is actually in a tournament playing semi-well, every person wants to see him win. He is a simpleton, one of us. A real man who doesn't care about what people think. His one sponsor is Hooters. That's unreal.

Whether you are a golfer, you play baseball, or a throw a football, none of those require obesity. I guess if you get paid millions of dollars then you don't really need to care about how grotesque you look. There's always the hope you can bang Jessica Alba.

3 Comments:

Buzzsaw said...

Hahaha, I couldn't wait for this article since I saw the title in draft mode. Jared Lorenzen pisses me off most of all, I drafted Brandon Jacobs in fantasy and am worried about J-Load stealing the goal line carries.

Buzzsaw said...

I moved your Colon picture, I would have asked but I don't give a shit ROOKIE. No, change it back if you want, but it was in the middle of the paragraph.

sammich said...

Ha yea thanks. I saw that but I really hate dealing with pictures. As far as the goal line carries go, I would LOVE to see Jared get that ball.