Monday, July 9, 2007

Weekend Dimlights

My Life:

I played two rounds of golf this weekend up in Indy and realized how awful I really am. I probably three putted 30 out of the 36 holes and could have been more effective using a broom out of the sand. I somehow managed to shoot a 90 on Saturday while only tallying 1 bogey on my score card. My round looked something like this: par, par, double double, tripe, par, par, birdie, double. I'm just proud that I was consistent in my scoring!

Side Note: Someone send me some Xanax in the mail.


Brewster vs. Klitschko 2 was as uneventful as my life. Klitschko scored a TKO when Brewster failed to come out of his corner for the beginning of the 7rh round. Literally, Klitshcko could have been fighting a black Everlast bag with a fake mini-afro, and the fight may have produced more drama. I just kept waiting for one of Klitschko’s jabs to snap Brewster’s head off. I’m pretty sure a bunch of candy would have flown out all over the ring. Judging by the looks of Brewster, he loves Milky Ways more than winning. (I think he's sitting in a highchair in that picture.)

Brewster served as Wladimir’s "jab bag" (ya I just made up that word) for 18 minutes and didn’t attempt to make it a fight. I
predicted this before the fight. Klitschko was a 4-1 favorite , but I at least wanted to see him get in trouble a couple times. Emmauel Steward served as Klitchsko’s trainer for the fight. He is part of HBO’s boxing analyst team when not training, and he served up the most fitting quote of the fight when he asked Klitschko, “Was that the 6th round? Let’s finish him off, I said this thing shouldn’t last more than 7.” The quote was in between rounds 3 and 4, meaning he wasn’t even paying attention. If a trainer is bored during a title bout, think about the people watching at home.

Side Note 1: I originally thought Klitschko looked like the German version of Rocky’s Ivan Drago if he had blonde, spiked hair, but I was wrong. Works out for me as I was in the process of having to upload more images. I think every white foreign fighter at least remotely resembles Drago, so I don’t feel like a bigger d-bag than usual.


Wimbledon is over and Roger Federer won his 5th consecutive title this Sunday, avenging his French Open loss to the capri wearing, clay court specialist Rafael Nadal. Ya, Nadal wore capris during the final which actually means he lost two matches on Sunday; one vs. Federer and one vs. trying to be straight. The match itself was unbelievable as Federer grinded out a tough 5 set match against the gritty Nadal. Federer's game is just too big right now for anyone on grass or hard Courts.

Venus Williams won the ladies title with an impressive run over the last week becoming the lowest seed to win the event. I'm pretty sure the Williams sisters only try when they want to considering Serena made a similiar run at the Austrailian Open this past January.

Side note 2: I would draft Serena Williams in any upcoming Fantasy Football league if she becomes available.
Side Note 3: That will be the last write-up I do about any female sporting event for a long long time unless Title IX gets stripped, I get to play Lisa Leslie one vs. one and dominate her like I know I could, or Danica Patrick finally realizes that women are bad drivers and decides to trade in her racing uniform for pasties.


Barry Bonds didn't go yard this weekend, and I just found out he wasn't participating in the Home Run contest. I am sad, and for the first time in 3 years, I am not being sarcastic. I just hope my Mr. Pumpkin head breaks the record in San Francisco because I think he might get killed if it happens somewhere else. (I am in the process of writing up a completely bias filled pro-Bonds article that is sure to make everyone's day.)

The Chicago White Sox gave up 32 runs during a twin bill with the Twins on Friday
afternoon/evening. The southsiders have hit a new low this season, and some changes need to be made.

Side Note 4: I met Ozzie Guillen's son at a bar in Chicago after a Cubs vs. Sox games, and he was louder and more annoying than Ozzie.
Side Note 5: Ozzie Jr. (not sure if that’s his real name) looked like he had poured a bottle of Valvoline Oil on his head that day and I think some of the motor oil flew into my drink after he made himself laugh really hard. Gross!

Next is this sad story about ESPN.

ESPN isn't invited to the party :-(

This is actually a highlight. Poor ESPN won't be able to bring their famed Baseball Tonight crew to San Fran for the ALL-Star game festivities. Supposedly, John Kruk was extremely despondent after hearing the news. Witnesses say he was found passed out at a Big Gulp Stand in Bristol. Video surveillance showed Kruk housing 35 tacitos and 3 Super Big Gulps. (Maybe that was a dream.)

Side Note 6: Eduaro Perez and Fernando Vina found out about the news together and simultaneously said "Thank fucking god, I don't have to make an ass out of myself on national television again.". Then Vina and Perez jinxed each other at the exact same time doing everyone in America a favor. No one say Eduardo or Fernando! We won't have to hear those two jackasses talk anymore if we don't slip up.


Just real quick because this is getting long and stupid. Kevin Durant and Oden both played poorly in their debuts prompting every media source in the country to question whether or not these guys are going to be good. Remember, these are the same media sources who said Russell, I mean Oden, and Durant were the two best players to come out of college since Lebron and guaranteed they would both be instant stars just proving how over the top and sensational a lot of national media coverage is. It was one game guys!

Side Note 7: Yi still hasn’t had any discussions with Bucks management, but dominated some NBA players at a Summer League game with his Chinese National Team. He had 23 points and 7-10 boards I think (not sure exactly how many, and I am done typing.)


Supposedly Michael “Purina” Vick will avoid all Federal charges from the dog fighting fiasco. I’m just glad that the FBI is investing this (that’s where there focus needs to be), and that we got to hear about it for the past 2-3 months.

Brian Urlacher is a really, really mean………………………text messager. Funny Shit!

I know the Tank Johnson charges were dropped, and Dominic Rhodes is out four games for driving bombed in Indy.

I’m sure there are some arrests and suspensions I haven’t heard about yet. Gotta love the NFL.

Side Note 8: Big Ben is still afraid of Chrysler cars. (No source. I just know he must be!)

In the words of Urlacher, “editing is for pussies!”

Oven Mitt Whitfield


Logan said...

haha the best part about that urlacher article is that his ex also used to date Michael Flatley. probably the polar opposite of big Urlacher

Guy said...

You know its a slow time in sports when they are ALL OVER that summer league garbage.

We gotta hit the course sometime in the fall... Cheff and I will introduce you to our baby, TPC at Avon Field.

Buzzsaw said...

Please tell me Berman won't be allowed in San Fran either, with him, the HR Derby is only watchable on mute

BigLots said...

That ESPN story is hilarious. They always seem to do whatever they feel like doing and someone finally called them out on it. I love it.

Daris said...

Real Quick:
1.haha I had to google search to make sure as I wasn't sure if he was the famed river dancer. I know you're Irish Log, but I don't think you have enough rhythm to dance that jig. Look at his website it should give you inspiration:

2. The Cheff's golf tip did wonders from tee to (almost) green this weekend. Now, he'll have to teach me how to chip and putt. Haven't herd of that TPC at Avon Field, Guy. Plays pretty short though at 5081 yds. haha, i can only imagine how trashy that "dog track" (thanks smarty joines) is. Do they have an island green a la 17 at Sawgrass?

3. Berman is so loud and obnixous that my mute button doesn't even work when he's screaming "BACK,BACK,BACK". I'm going to have to try to put a piece of tape over his mouth on the TV.

4. I love that ESPN story sooo much. They were "banned" from the game. You know how pissed off they must be. I am still unclear whether or not they get to cover the home run derby or not. Should be interesting.

5. BUZZ i got worried about you. Glad to see you are back!