Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Who Isn't Now

Thanks to ESPN, we’ve been slowly learning who is Now in sports. I thought of doing a 32-person bracket style tournament with interactive voting and Keyshawn Johnson to decide who isn’t Now, but as I was seeding the bracket, the cream rose to the top. These five separated themselves as the least Now in my eyes; but who knows? Tomorrow is a new day, and any of these might be the most Later.

(The following is rated Blog-14)

5) Brett Favre- Favre has been the worst QB in the league for the last two years, throwing a little under one million INT’s and posting the worst QB rating in the league over that span. Just like last year, Favre’s only chance of becoming Now is a retirement controversy; which is something we should expect soon. My guess, judging by the fact that the last one took place on Super Bowl weekend, is that Favre will mention the possibility of retirement directly following Bonds’ record-breaking home run. Only then will a sufficient amount of media be assembled to adequately cover the momentous occasion. But that will be Later, it isn't Now.

4) Antoine Walker- A last minute addition, but when you have so much in common with an old lady and you’re only 30 you have to make this list. ‘Toine got his purse snatched for the second time, has saggy boobs, and spoils his grandchildren (maybe that wasn’t the best comparison). But how many athletes get mugged even once? You’re supposed to fear athletes, not see them as potential targets for robbery … that’s soooo not Now.

3) Any Cyclist- These guys are the biggest cheaters in sports, every champion since 1995 has been caught with performance enhancing drugs (mostly EPO) except for Lance Armstrong, who is just smarter than everyone because there is no doubt he was doping. Aside from the drugs, the beating they lay on their penises is unnatural, first the too tight shorts, then the constant friction against the seat, and that’s on top of the shrinkage due to these drugs they’re taking … it’s too much and shouldn’t be accepted ever, especially Now.

(Warning: The following is rated Blog-MA, you’ve been warned so don’t bitch)

2) Chris Benoit- There’s only one thing less Now than double murder-suicide, that being…

1) ESPN- There are many reasons for this, here's a few:

  • My Wish- It’s great that ESPN is involved with helping children with disabilities, but rather than doing it in private they do the exact opposite by putting it in the middle of their highest rated show. To make matters worse, they let an ex-MTV VJ host the thing. I love disabled people more than anyone, but you have to admit, there are times, when you’re trying to check ESPN for a baseball score and this segment pops up, that you wish Benoit was still around.

  • The Bronx Is Burning- They’ll never surpass the brilliance of "3" they need to stop trying.

  • Making us trade paint with NASCAR Now (more like NASCAR Never!!!)- It’s just unbelievable that ESPN went from no NASCAR coverage to covering it as much as baseball. I admit, there is plenty of unintentional comedy with Brad Daugherty as a lead reporter (nothing says NASCAR knowledge like a 7 foot black guy) but it still sucks.

  • Who’s Now- The Worst Idea Ever … is anything less sincere than Stuart Scott arguing that Kelly Slater is more Now than LeBron James? Seriously, fuck ESPN.


Logan said...

Funny stuff Buzz. When you mentioned Stu Scott it reminded me of the other day when I was watching SportsCenter and my friend and I noticed that his left eyebrow was arched really, really high, like he had a permenantly intrigued look on his face. My friend informed me that usually means you've just had Botox. Just thought this was funny/weird/interesting.

Daris said...

i just saw a black man outside of my apartment carrying a "european carry-all" aka a purse; just reminded me of stuart scott a bit.

Daris said...

minus that unbearable to look at lazy eye of course

Guy said...

Great stuff Buzz-- Brett Favre is terrifying.

Guy said...

Also, I wish you would have had Barry Bonds on your list. My plan for the next couple of weeks is to just throw small jab after small jab at Bonds in hopes of a Daris flipout-article or podcast. I'm looking to make things interesting.

Buzzsaw said...

Yea I couldn't really include him, if it were only people or things I hated the list would be much longer, but it's mostly people/things I hate that are also horrible at what they do. Bonds is still about to break the record and is good, so I couldn't do it.

Fritz said...

The only reason cyclists are getting caught is because they're the only ones getting tested. All the rest of them dope, too.

Buzzsaw said...

Good point Fritz, but the other leagues deserve credit from saving their athletes from their list, it's more important to be "Now" than honest, IMO.