Thursday, July 12, 2007

Your 2007 All-Asshole Team

With literally nothing going on in the sports world right now (unless you count women's basketball as a sport, which I don't) we are forced to do things like pretend that people care about politics and cover every possible angle of the MLB All-Star game. So, I decided I'll beat the baseball thing into the ground since in about a month I won't be able to watch baseball at all (I'll be in Europe). So without further ado, your 2007 All-Asshole Team:

C A.J. Pierzynski He’s notorious for being a clubhouse cancer and a dirty player, but I especially like this story. After getting hit by a ball in the groin the Giants catcher hunched over in pain prompting the trainer to sprint out and ask him how it felt. Pierzynski responded, “Like this,” and kneed him in the balls.

3B Chipper Jones He impregnated a Hooters waitress in Michigan who he was having an affair with. Then he left his wife for her. Classy.

SS Julio Lugo What kind of jackass signs a $36 million contract and then hits .190? I don’t care if he’s a good guy.

2B Jeff Kent I wanted it to be Roberto Alomar for spitting on an umpire but then I realized he’s been out of the league for two years. Kent will have to do. He’s had numerous confrontations with teammates, even getting in a fight with fellow asshole Barry Bonds. He also lied about an injury, saying he broke his wrist washing his car when he actually did it riding a motorcycle.

1B Michael Barrett Ok, so he’s really a catcher. But he has played first base for several games and he has tendency to start fistfights, so he made the cut.

OF Elijah Dukes For starters he has at least five kids by four different women. He most recent wife has filed for a restraining order against him claiming he threatened to kill her and texted her pictures of a gun. Here’s a transcript of the message from him she saved on her cell phone:

"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshittin’. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house." (St. Petersburg Times)

OF Milton Bradley Where to start? Bradley has already played for five teams since entering the big leagues in 2000 and has gained a reputation as a clubhouse cancer. He was suspended for chucking a beer bottle into the front row of seats in Colorado. He called a reporter an Uncle Tom and called teammate Jeff Kent a racist. He was arrested during a routine traffic stop for exiting the car to confront the police officer. But hey, his website says he does community work.

OF Gary Sheffield Let’s see. He’s a roid rager who took a swing at fan in right field at Fenway Park. He thinks there is a conspiracy against black people in Major League Baseball. He also refused to play in the World Baseball Classic, saying, “My season starts when I get paid.”

P Roger Clemens He’s an asshole for no other reason than that he’s so full of himself. I dislike Clemens so vehemently that I don’t think I can write a coherent sentence that properly describes my hatred for him.

P Kenny Rogers He attacked a cameraman. Enough said.

P Ugueth Urbina The former Expo, Marlin, Red Sox, Ranger, Tiger and Phillie, is currently serving a fourteen year prison sentence in Venezuela for attempted murder. He attacked five farm workers with machete and poured gasoline on them and tried to burn them. If that doesn’t qualify him for the All-Asshole team I don’t know what would.


BigLots said...

My only issue here is with AJ. That story is extremely sketchy. How come the trainer himself has never said anything about it? Plus he's pretty much the complete opposite of a clubhouse cancer. In his first 6 years,he's never been on a losing team and he's won 4 division titles and a World Series. He was absolutely loved in Minnesota and he's absolutely loved in Chicago.

Daris said...

i think the texts were even funnier than the phone call.

first, he sends her a text that reads "i'm going to kill you."

then, a couple days later he sends her a picture of a gun, clearing up any confusion.

Buzzsaw said...

You're right that the WNBA isn't a sport, it's soft core porn for lesbians, hardcore being female boxing.

Buzzsaw said...

You also forgot to mention that Julio Lugo has been caught stealing

Buzzsaw said...

AHH HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA .. oh my god, that was good

Guy said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahaha... aaaaaaaaaa HHAHAHAH... phew, that was a good one, right biglots?

Daris said...

i don't think that picture of jeter and sheffield is getting enough recognition. I just noticed it and got a good a real big laugh. If you zoomed out, I bet we would see A-Rod with his hands on his hips, shaking his head, with a little cartoon quote bubble saying "Ohhh no Gary didn't"