Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Why the Cleveland Browns will have a Little Bit of a Season

Right now, you’re saying “what the fuck is this guy talking about? The Browns are horrible.” And yes, you are right. But let’s take a look at some correlating history that proves that the Browns will have a successful season. And I’m not trying to connect Brady Quinn’s crotch-grabbing with Rex Grossman’s odd fetishes.

Some ridiculous friends of mine and I have pretty much started calling this theory the “You Just Gotta Feel Bad” Theory. A short look at the history:

The 2001-2002 Season-- The New England Patriots

We all know the horrifying story of 9/11. There is no need for me to dwell on that. The fact of the matter is a team named the Patriots (who went 5-11 in the season before this one, mind you) went on to win the Super Bowl just five months after one of the worst days in U.S. history. Patriotism was probably at its peak in the United States at this time. How many cars did you see sporting American flags after the atrocities that occurred? It was a drastic change from pre-9/11. Anyway, some people actually thought the season was rigged for them (crazy ass holes), but I just think that everyone else felt kinda bad. The only part I will never understand is how the Pats didn’t feel even worse for Kurt Warner and his spouse situation.

The 2006-2007 Season-- The New Orleans Saints

I touched on this in my fantasy football team name suggestions article. The effects of Katrina propelled the city to rally behind the Saints. And it was really great for both the NFL and the city that was in shambles, don’t get me wrong. Warrick Dunn even told the press something to the effect of; if he is going to lose, it may as well be to the Saints. You really think there wasn’t a lack of killer instinct there? Dunn was probably too busy thinking about the fact that the only thing that will fit in his mouth are grapes (compliments to Daris for that one-- I think he finds the small size of Dunn’s mouth more ridiculous than I do). I’m just saying, everyone had to feel kinda bad. I mean, you’ve got to.

This seasons’ candidates:

The Runner-Up-- The Denver Broncos

Tough offseason for Shanahan’s boys out west. Darrent Williams was shot and killed on New Years in a drive-by. A really awful story. Javon Walker was there for the whole thing-- I can’t even imagine. I am in no way poking fun at this death; I’m just saying it’s a reason for other teams to “just feel bad.” Past results, as shown above, actually back up this sort of ridiculous claim. Don’t worry; I’ll go to church this Sunday.

The Winner-- The Cleveland Browns

It’s hard to think up a reason to feel bad for the Browns, besides the popular jokes “well, they have to live in Cleveland!” or “they have to play for the Browns!” Good ones, Bengals and Steelers fans. You guys are adorable, not to mention original. Anyway, onto the reason why “you just gotta feel bad.” First off, the whole LeCharles Bentley story is insane and I cannot believe it isn’t being talked about more. The guy had a staph infection and doctors actually worried about him not being able to live through a night, much less being able to play football again. Well, guess what? He’s suiting up this season.

The main reason that you just gotta feel bad? Take a look at the Browns' logo: the Dawg. The Dawg Pound! You think other teams won’t see the correlation here and just feel bad for the Dawg lovers at Cleveland Browns Stadium? It may be for the wrong reasons, but so was feelin’ bad for the Pats in ’01-’02. The Falcons are lucky they aren’t coming to Cleveland this year. If you thought the bottle throwing incident was bad, imagine a ton of dawg bones being thrown onto the field in protest of Vick’s alleged dog-fighting enterprises.

Here’s to a 12-4 season and a Super Bowl loss. Hey, all the other Ohio teams are doin’ it, so why can’t the Browns?

13 Comments:

Kaitlin said...

Nice connections, except I really don't think that anyone else besides Cleveland fans feel bad for the Browns. Personally, I'm banking on Quinn's hottness from the sidelines propelling the Brownies to a winning season.

Oh and nice lie about going to church on Sunday.

Buzzsaw said...

Wow, the gf is nagging you via blog comments now, I can't wait until tinytim gets on here. You're on fire lately.

BigLots said...

Didn't the Broncos have a backup running back die too this offseason?

Guy said...

BigLots,

I could have sworn there was another, but then I found out that Marquise Hill was a Patriot-- and thats who I was originally thinking of. Let me know if you figure it out.

Buzzsaw said...

The 49ers might be in line for a Super Bowl with the death of Bill Walsh

Daris said...

very funny article. The Browns are definitely losing in the Super Bowl this year. I'd bet the house on it if all of my money wasn't tied up in underground dog fighting.

1. I bet Vick tried to get Falcon's management to set up a "Bring Your Dog to Work Day" so he could scout the talent.

2. i just can't believe bill walsh was only 75. He looked really, really old 20 years ago. I guess it was just the gray factor. sad news nonetheless.

3. I might just be a jackass, but that saints storyline got a little old to me after awhile. they picked up a pro bowl quarterback, a great coach, el presidente, and a sick wr who exceeded even the highest epxectations, so I knew they would play well as long as their defense held up.

4. I don't think the Broncs should receive runner-up consideration. Jake the Snake retired to Montana! If I'm Shannahan, I'll take some of the bad stuff to get rid of Sir Throwspicksalot.

BigLots said...

Guy, the other Bronco to die was Damien Nash. He was a backup running back who died about a month after Williams.

Guy said...

I knew there was another. I searched each and every possible combination including the terms "Denver Broncos," "death," and "football" possible.

Here's what I just found-- and Daris, it looks like someone else has your first name after all...

"Nash, 24, collapsed and died Feb. 24 after a charity basketball game he hosted in St. Louis, his hometown. Nash arranged the game at his high school to benefit The Darris Nash Find a Heart Foundation, which was named after his 25-year-old brother, who had a heart transplant last year."

Sad story, and you can chalk that up to more reasons why you just gotta feel bad for the Broncs this season.

Buzzsaw said...

Yea, I tried to help too, I googled "Broncos Slaughter" and the only things that popped up were Super Bowl XXII related. So annoying. It was Redskins 42 Broncos 10, btw, in case anyone was wondering.

BigLots said...

Haha are you actually talking shit about a game that happened twenty years ago?

Daris said...

I'm pissed about that Darris guy. I don't feel unique.

Hmmm, I heart transplant a year ago? Maybe, I'll be the only Daris again fairly soon.............


Oh, I know I'm an asshole. Sue me.

Buzzsaw said...

Biglots- Yes I am, it's all I've got to hold on to.

Joe Beat said...

Look, if you aren't feeling bad for the Browns, then you are in line to recieve of a PIE. Right there is reason enough to feel bad. And about Brady Quinn...He can go pose for fucking Playgirl if he doesn't want to play football, because there is no reason to give him Vince Young money...