Thursday, August 2, 2007

Guy’s Favorite “Guys” (Vol. 2 [Concert Edition])

Wednesday night, I attended the Incubus concert in Cleveland with my girlfriend (adorable, isn’t it?). Talk about an absolute gold mine of guys. I don’t even know if I will be able to sleep tonight after writing and publishing the article. It’s like ripping off Isiah in a trade.

Rocking Out and Maybe a Little Too Old for this Stuff Guy

You know this one. He’s a 30, maybe even a 40-something. Bandana, ripped jeans and cut off or a band t-shirt (possibly from the glory days). He’s putting up his "rocking out" sign with pride and awkwardly dancing around. I’m guessing he is the guy that still talks about “that big play he made in the football game against the rivals back in high school.” To sum it up? An absolute shame.

Wearing the T-shirt of the Band that is Playing Guy

Props to Jeremy Piven’s character on PCU for this one. Maybe not many are familiar with that movie, but he cracks a similar joke. In short, you don’t want to be “that guy.” (Note: sometimes he and a little too old for this stuff guy go hand in hand).

So pissed off that he is at the concert because he had to bring his kid(s) Guy

At an indoor-outdoor type venue like Time Warner Cable Amphitheater, guys like these stick out like sore thumbs. They are about as far back in the standing area as they can be and just look bored to death. I’d rather not talk about this now because I just imagine myself being this guy in about 20 years taking my daughter to see 2023’s American Idol winner.

Shirt Off with Intense Body Odor Guy

Part of me sympathizes with these guys, because they are usually really sweaty and just get desperate, so the first thing to go is the shirt. I’m a sweater, so I understand the discomfort-- I just feel these are the kinds of things you need to know about me. What I don’t get is why every time I see one of these guys, I feel like they’re bumping into me on purpose. Oh, and they smell like complete shit.

Knows All of the Band Members First Names Guy

Man, aren’t these guys cultured? He talks about Brandon on the vocals or Jose bangin’ those drums like he’s been next door neighbors with them since they were in grade school (I did have to look up Jose’s name; just letting you know I wasn’t that guy tonight). “Man, Mike really goes to town on this solo coming up.” You guys are so chill.

Honorable mentions:

  • Random Dancing Girl(s)-- a lock for every concert
  • Hacky Sack Guys-- pretty standard depending on the show (see: punk rock)
  • Annoying Little Girls that Scream and Yell about the Cute Lead Singer-- usually the daughter(s) of So pissed off that he is at the concert because he had to bring his kid(s) Guy
  • Drunk and Singing Along Obnoxiously Guy-- a distant cousin of Wearing the T-shirt of the Band that is Playing Guy

Please note that a few “girls” made honorable mention. Usually I try to restrict my rules as pretty close to the vest, but with an event going on like a concert, exceptions need to be made.

That pretty much sums it up. In case you were wondering, it was a pretty decent concert. (Stop reading if you don’t know/like Incubus). They didn’t even play Pardon Me, Stellar, or Warning! But they did end the show with Aqueous Transmission, which was cool. That’s all.


Buzzsaw said...

I love this column ... I look forward to future topics, Guy's College Guys, Guy's X-treme Fan Guys, Guy's Party Guys, Guy's Classmate Guys... it's neverending.

Katie Lin said...

Being "the girlfriend" at the concert with you, I can accurately state that you forgot air-drum/air-guitar guy.

Logan said...

Just wondering if anyone has ever seen the "I don't even like this band but I'm just here to get fucked up" Guy? He's been known to puke on the lawn.

Daris said...

man,all of these "guy" classifications and soon people arent going to be able to do anything, anywhere. Im nervous just walking out into public now because I dont want to become the subject of a column.