Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Top 5 Real Men

This is contributed by Sammich. His internet isn't working, so I'm just posting it for him. Enjoy.

DISCLAIMER- At times during this rant you may think I am batting left handed but I can assure you I am straighter than Mike Piazza.

I am not talking about practice, I am talking about giant freaks that need some recognition. These guys might not be the best at what they do, but you will be scared to tell them that to their faces. Let's just get right into it...

#5 Shawn Crable

Okay this really pains me to do this but....

...Sorry Brady. Well Crable was born a day after Christmas and I'm guessing that wasn't a mistake. He is a 6'5, 245 pound linebacker with the speed of a corner back. As seen above, he clearly did not sack Quinn because Brady is too good looking to get sacked, but he is just tea bagging the clearly anguished QB. That would really hurt. Crable has turned into a leader on the fairly new Michigan defense and it looks as if he will have to do most of the work himself. Shawny boy will intercept at least 4 passes, earn 8 sacks, and kill 2 humans in '07.

#4 DJ Mbenga Who? DJ Mbenga

He can't speak English. He can't really play basketball. He has no reason to be on the court whatsoever. Sounds like a Mark Cuban kind of guy. Only put in the game to commit hard fouls, DJ Mbenga is the biggest man I have ever seen. I am pretty sure he was raised in the Congo by rabid apes but we just don't know for sure because he cant speak. I was at a Cavs vs Mavs game two years back and Lebron drove to the hole and was immediately pummeled by a forearm to the face. Yes it was Mbenga's flailing arm and Lebron took his usual 2 minutes of "I'm not really hurt, but I like to give people heart attacks" rolling around on the floor. Or to simplify things from now on let's just call it a soccer injury. (Completely off topic but I was watching some soccer game last week and was bitching about one of the players crying like a pussy but then they actually carried him off and he never came back. 1st time ever. I was shocked). Mbenga is 7'0, 255 pounds and also moves faster than the average giant. For his daily workout routine he does not lift weights, he lifts the entire facility, 3 sets of 10, and goes home.

#3 Batista... Yea I said it.

I absolutely will put a professional wrestler on here. If he played a real sport he would be #1, but he parties with the likes of John Cena and Booker T. It is very safe to say that this is a big man and I am going to guess that he works out at least once per week. Batista is 6'6, 290 and I bet his body fat is a solid 3% max. Basically he has muscles in places that I didn't even know were possible. No, those aren't 2 unborn fetuses attached to his neck, those are his traps. Batista starts every morning out with an unbalanced breakfast of 3 baby calves and steroids. If he was America's last hope to save the world, I wouldn't even be scared. Even Chris Benoit would be no match for Batista. If you ever get into an argument with this man the following strategy should be used: run around in circles until he catches you, kick him in the balls, oh shit he doesn't have them any more because of roids, brace yourself, Batista Bomb. Play dead.

#2 Ray Lewis

Ray stabbed a person. The witnesses were too afraid to accuse Ray. Ray go home happy. There's no point in saying anything, Ray is a freak.

#1 Brandon Jacobs

I haven't seen anyone run over this many people since Maurice Clarett (I don't care if I spelled that wrong he should be shot anyways). Before his running duties he was Auburn's wedge buster
and it takes a brave man to not move when he is coming at you. Oh, and here's full speed. Jacobs is 6'4, 265 and carries people like Spike from Little Giants. He is the clearly the most real of all men and that kind of sounded like saying he's more now (cringe).


Buzzsaw said...

I'm very tempted to edit LaRon Landry into this list, but I'll wait until his internet is back to confirm the mistake.

sammich said...

I'm very tempted to edit your face. No really though I have to go to the library to get internet for now and I'm spending that time doing homework so I'll try and write asap.

Buzzsaw said...

Hahaha, touche ... nice comeback