Guy's Favorite Guys (Vol. 3, Halloween Edition; Special Guest Co-contributor-- Le Cheff)

Tis the Halloween season and the costumes are out, as usual. The typical college male is on the prowl and making a fool of himself. To cut the suspense, lets just get right down to it.

"I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy

This is the guy thats wearing the tight muscle shirt and is pushing you out of the way while he's trying to get to the keg. He most likely looked at himself in the mirror, checking out his package in his speedo, before he gained the self esteem to come out in public with it on. Favorite quote: "Hey ladies, check out my pecks."

"Athlete wearing their own jersey" Guy

We get it. You play a varsity sport at a college or high school. Congrats, man. The least you could do is show off the huge bod like "I'm huge and looking to show off the bod" Guy. Dick. Favorite quote: "I play sports in case you didn't know."

"Dude where's your costume?" Guy

So there are some people that don't sport the costume at the bar. Whatever. They don't need the asshole in his shitty Boston Red Sox cap and David Ortiz jersey shirt asking "Hey man why didn't you dress up? I'm Big Papi tonight, and you're just a bum!"

"Guy that dresses up like the person that he intrinsically wants to be" Guy

Maybe a tough concept for you blog readers, but stick with us. Think about the wigger that has always wanted to dress like a black man, but has never been able to do it in a social setting. Tonight is his night to wear an Allen Iverson jersey with only one shoulder being covered with the AI sleeve, and a teardrop drawn in black Sharpie under his left cheekbone. In turn, all of the black innuendos that he has wanted to pursue come out tonight-- it's finally acceptable. Favorite quote: "Wassup dawg?"

"Way too cool to dress up" Guy

These guys sit in the corner and make fun of all the assholes that we just described. Rightfully so? Maybe. But hey, it's Halloween. You're supposed to make a jackass out of yourself.

It's November 1st by the time of this posting. Better late than never.

Intraweb Links: Guy's Style

Monday morning is here, and I have shit to do, so I will let others provide you with all the funny you need.

This guy really gets pumped up when outfielders do their job [Deuce of Davenport]

This guy got knocked out. [With Leather]

This guy supposedly loves eating box.[Mister Irrelevant]

This guy is Purple Jesus. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

This guy gets made fun of a lot. [Deadspin]

This guy could have won this year's WSOP Main Event [Homer on Youtube]


This guy is off to do some work. Later.

Guy’s Favorite “Guys” (Vol. 2 [Concert Edition])

Wednesday night, I attended the Incubus concert in Cleveland with my girlfriend (adorable, isn’t it?). Talk about an absolute gold mine of guys. I don’t even know if I will be able to sleep tonight after writing and publishing the article. It’s like ripping off Isiah in a trade.

Rocking Out and Maybe a Little Too Old for this Stuff Guy

You know this one. He’s a 30, maybe even a 40-something. Bandana, ripped jeans and cut off or a band t-shirt (possibly from the glory days). He’s putting up his "rocking out" sign with pride and awkwardly dancing around. I’m guessing he is the guy that still talks about “that big play he made in the football game against the rivals back in high school.” To sum it up? An absolute shame.

Wearing the T-shirt of the Band that is Playing Guy

Props to Jeremy Piven’s character on PCU for this one. Maybe not many are familiar with that movie, but he cracks a similar joke. In short, you don’t want to be “that guy.” (Note: sometimes he and a little too old for this stuff guy go hand in hand).

So pissed off that he is at the concert because he had to bring his kid(s) Guy

At an indoor-outdoor type venue like Time Warner Cable Amphitheater, guys like these stick out like sore thumbs. They are about as far back in the standing area as they can be and just look bored to death. I’d rather not talk about this now because I just imagine myself being this guy in about 20 years taking my daughter to see 2023’s American Idol winner.

Shirt Off with Intense Body Odor Guy

Part of me sympathizes with these guys, because they are usually really sweaty and just get desperate, so the first thing to go is the shirt. I’m a sweater, so I understand the discomfort-- I just feel these are the kinds of things you need to know about me. What I don’t get is why every time I see one of these guys, I feel like they’re bumping into me on purpose. Oh, and they smell like complete shit.

Knows All of the Band Members First Names Guy

Man, aren’t these guys cultured? He talks about Brandon on the vocals or Jose bangin’ those drums like he’s been next door neighbors with them since they were in grade school (I did have to look up Jose’s name; just letting you know I wasn’t that guy tonight). “Man, Mike really goes to town on this solo coming up.” You guys are so chill.

Honorable mentions:

• Random Dancing Girl(s)-- a lock for every concert
• Hacky Sack Guys-- pretty standard depending on the show (see: punk rock)
• Annoying Little Girls that Scream and Yell about the Cute Lead Singer-- usually the daughter(s) of So pissed off that he is at the concert because he had to bring his kid(s) Guy
• Drunk and Singing Along Obnoxiously Guy-- a distant cousin of Wearing the T-shirt of the Band that is Playing Guy
  

Please note that a few “girls” made honorable mention. Usually I try to restrict my rules as pretty close to the vest, but with an event going on like a concert, exceptions need to be made.

That pretty much sums it up. In case you were wondering, it was a pretty decent concert. (Stop reading if you don’t know/like Incubus). They didn’t even play Pardon Me, Stellar, or Warning! But they did end the show with Aqueous Transmission, which was cool. That’s all.

Guy's Favorite "Guys" (Vol. 1)

I don't know how long this segment will go on-- this may be both the first and the last one, but I'm going to give it a go to see how the reception is. There are certain "guys" out there that either crack me up or annoy me by their actions. It is either a "what the hell is this guy doing?" or a "is this guy serious?" In no particular order, today's "Guys":

1. Entirely too tan guy on the beach

This one is sticking out to me right now because I am at the beach. There are guys that are with the rest of their family who are doused with tanning lotion and are usually sporting a gold chain and/or watch. To qualify, their wives and children must be of fair complexion, making it unnatural. Perhaps they have some Native American in them, but I'm going to go with the assumption that they care way too much about their bronze color.

2. Guy standing in front of a TV at a sports bar

These guys are completely unaware of their surroundings. They are probably the same people that slowly change lanes and don't really worry about if they are going to cut you off. It isn't that they are being ass holes, they are just stupid. I experienced this one last week at BW3's while trying to watch the Indians game with some guys. The big screen was clearly in our path, but this guy stands by his friends, blocking our view. Yeah, don't worry about it-- we weren't watching the game anyway. "Sports bar" is stressed because it would be completely different if we were at shitty Applebee's or something. But we are at a sports bar where the sole reason for attending one is to watch sports.

3. Guy that just suffered a really bad beat in poker

Usually when someone is telling a bad beat story, they are telling someone that is knowledgable about the game, considering a lot of bad beat stories are told at poker tables in casinos to guys at their table. I've got news for you-- these people have heard them all. Seriously, every single bad beat. The only exemptions are very long strings of bad beats, they can be summed up like "yeah I was getting beated all day, like 9 hands in a row." These people can be patronized by giving them a simple "wow that is so bad man." You don't even need to listen to their story. Just sympathize and say how bad the other player must be. That is exactly what they want to hear.

I will be posting more "guys" as I come across them in everyday life. Hopefully you enjoyed the rant. (It's a slow news day-- and I'm not touching the Costas/Bonds catfight or Deion Sanders' absurd quotes).

When You’re Rich, You Don’t Write Checks

Not many times are you sitting around watching ESPN and something comes along and absolutely baffles you. This world is so crazy nowadays that nothing is a shock. You see Rashard Lewis signing for $126 million and you don’t bat an eyelash. Clinton Portis is telling reporters that he knows back roads to dog fights? Not a big deal, either. Oh, Pacman or Chris Henry got in trouble again? It would be bigger news if they weren’t a headline for over a month. But every once in awhile, something comes along that you can’t even muster up words to respond to it. You’re sitting there, speechless, after what you just saw or heard. For me, these moments usually involve a man named Randy Moss; and I’m not talking about the horseracing expert.

Let’s take this time to analyze some of his past quotes.

-1997, Sports Illustrated. An article about Randy takes a turn for the worse, in which he ends up saying that the 1970 Marshall plane crash “was a tragedy, but it really wasn’t nothing big.” How is this one never brought up? If Matt McConaughey is making a movie about it, it’s a big deal.

-Sometime in 2001. This one is basically a household quote. Admitting to taking plays off, Moss was quoted saying “When I want to play, I’ll play.” I think Cris Carter was still around for that one. Imagine being him-- the guy that mentored Randy Moss. I can’t imagine being proud of myself.

-January 2, 2005, game vs. Washington Redskins. Moss is criticized for leaving the game with two ticks left on the clock down 21-18, with the Vikings still to kick off. It isn’t a quote, but when asked afterwards about it, Moss said that he didn’t think they were going to get the onside kick. For what its worth, Randy’s read on the situation was correct. The Redskins recovered and went on to win the game. This apparent bad attitude led to something else just one week later…

-January 9, 2005, game vs. Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. You know where this one is going. After Moss’s second touchdown of the game, he walked over to the goalpost, faced away from the crowd, and proceeded to moon them (pants up, as we all know, but are kind of disappointed about). This turn of events led us to the greatest Randy Moss quotes known to man:

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't shit. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't shit to me … Next time I might shake my dick."

A defining moment in sports history, to say the least. And we’re not even done

-August 18, 2005, interview with Bryant Gumbel. Somehow, they get on the topic of using drugs. Shocking everyone in the process, here is Moss’s quote: "Like I say ... I have used (marijuana) in the past. And every blue moon or every once in a while, I might. ... But as far as abusing it and, you know, letting it take control over me, I don't do that, no." Asked whether he still smokes marijuana, Moss said, "I might. I might have fun. And, you know, hopefully ... I won't get into any trouble with the NFL by saying that, you know? I have had fun throughout my years and, you know, predominantly in the offseason." I say he deserves it. That’s just a rough life.

A few other random quotes to add in here.

• "The way I look at it," Moss said, "God's got a magic wand, and he taps just a few on the head."

• At Marshall, he was a business major who didn't take academics too seriously. "College is boring," he said. "It was all about not having fun and going to class once in a while."

• "It's not my fault that people don't know me," he said, defending himself. "I'm going to speak my mind, no matter what the consequences are."

Yes, Randy, we have come to both learn and appreciate that last one. Here’s to a season of Randy Moss in the press with the Patriots. We can only hope he goes on a tirade about Tom Brady and his illegitimate children or Bill Bellichick and his steamy affairs. Like all of his stints before this one, it could end badly. And the Patriots know it. Imagine Moss quitting on a route on a 3^rd down. Bellichick will absolutely kill him. But that just goes to show how much talent this guy has—even the New England Patriots and Bill Bellichick (the biggest psycho coach to ever grace the sidelines) are willing to possibly sacrifice their team concept in order to put this 6’4, 210 pound freak of nature with baggage on their team to put them over the hump.

Someone can do the same with TO. I refuse. It would piss me off too much.

It’s kind of late. Good night.

(EDIT: Here is the youtube video link of the Randy Moss interview after the mooning incident. Also some pretty good highlights of his Viking days beforehand.)