God Tried

The rumor that Pete Carroll is actually Satan himself was proved to be true on Thursday. On the team's flight from the gay beaches of socal to the land of Jesus, their plane had an "unexpected" freefall right before landing. The pilot had this to say,"I saw the hand of God coming at us but there was no time to make a drastic movement. God himself was pushing our plane downward into the ground and I immediately apologized for cheating of my wife with that hooker of a stewardess. I could then regain control of the plane and I landed it safely." Another witness aboard the plane who would like to remain confidential (Matt Sanchez) saw things from the cabin area. "It all happened so fast. I was sitting next to Coach Carroll and he stood up very calmly, his eyes were bloodshot red and his fingertips were on fire. I saw a bright flash of red and yellow and the next thing I know the plane was back to normal again." This brings out the fact that Pete Carroll is in fact the devil himself and is better and stronger than God. We are fucked.

Unfortunately, no major injuries (death) were sustained during the Jesus drop (which makes me think.... there also needs to be some kind of amusement park ride titled that. I would ride it, you would to). However defensive end Lawrence Jackson had to seek medical help because he jammed a popsicle stick into the roof of his mouth during the drop. Once again, Jackson actually stabbed himself with a popsicle stick. How he got one on the plane.. I don't know, but he is in fact retarded. There were reports of safety Taylor "The Pussy" Mays screaming like a little girl during the demon drop and is now seeking to transfer because even John David Booty called him a woman. The only other major accident on the plane happened in the cargo hold where this year's Trojan warrior accidentally stabbed his horse and pierced its' heart. The horse died instantly and even USC fans are thankful there will no longer be a douche on a pony.

So God tried but Pete Carroll is now more powerful. When he went to take care of God it was 4th and 33 with 2 minutes to go and his team was already up by five scores. He decided to run a fake punt and God didn't see it coming causing his right hand to collapse and Pete found the end zone easily.

Tomorrow Notre Dame will be wearing the throwback uniforms to honor the 1977 national champion team. They need to do this to remind fans that Notre Dame was, in fact, good at one time. The uniforms are hideous Notre Dame will be outscored by more than the over which is 45 or something up there. Jimmy Clausen was not available to comment because he was blowing spit bubbles and pretending to be Casey. However Sam Young was disappointed when he heard about the plane scare saying "We were so close to a forfeit victory over those assholes."

Abandon Ship!!!

The Notre Dame football team is completely imploding, today, 360 lb OL Chris Stewart just left school. That marks the third player to transfer this year, and the second in a week. On Tuesday, sophomore tight end Konrad Reuland announced he was transferring, most likely to UCLA. Reuland was the #2 ranked tight end coming out of high school, and would have most likely started next year.

Stewart was the only offensive lineman to not play against Michigan, literally, so that won't hurt too bad. None of these transfers will, tight end and quarterback (Demetrius Jones) are the deepest positions Notre Dame has, but this points to a larger problem with the team's morale. I don't blame ESPN and talk radio hosts for not looking at the big picture, they're borderline retarded, but why don't the players see it?

This year's seniors are from Willingham's last recruiting class, it was horrendous, and was basically the reason he was fired. You want to know why Weis isn't being fired? Because he has a top-3 recruiting class coming in next year. The juniors on this team are from the turnover year, from Willingham to Weis, Weis was busy winning a Super Bowl, and the coach search took forever ... so there is basically no one in that class either. This team you see now is basically made up of 5th year seniors, sophomores, and freshmen.

Next year, this team will be better, not great, but I'd say a top-25 team. They will have no significant seniors, but will have top-5 recruiting classes in their junior through freshmen classes. By the time Clausen is a junior, this team should be a national title contender with the recruits they have. It's disappointing that these guys are leaving this year, as the future is bright ... sure, when you come to ND you don't plan on having rebuilding years ever, but it will be worth it.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun

I FOUND IT!!!! My #1 source at Notre Dame, who's name I will not mention, handed me a copy of Charlie Weis's offensive play book. It is much thinner than I thought it would be, it consists of one formation and one play. The regular halfback dive is not in the play book, apparently Jimmy Clausen just calls the run when his arm gets sore. But anyways here is the formation used in every play.



Standard, ace single back three wide formation used in every Notre Dame down so far this year. In this singular play zero receivers are allowed to go more than 5 yards because otherwise Notre Dame might score. In case you didn't recognize the play book yet, this is the WR screen that is run on 3 & 20, 3&inches, 7th & 23.. etc. you get the point.

I think it would be cool to have Notre Dame throw a deep ball this year. I don't know if it will happen, but maybe just once. I know the offensive line can only hold people for 1.3 seconds, but make me happy

Chad Henne Pooped His Pants

AND I LOVE IT BABY! This was probably the worst coaching I have ever seen on APP St.'s side. Instead of running, letting the clock run down, and spiking the ball, App St. decided to give the ball back to Michigan with 21 seconds. Now, when Chad Henne has the ball, I laugh and when he launched that lame duck I nearly cried with laughter, and then it was caught. So clearly I was depressed until it was blocked again and nearly returned.

Here's the facts:

Chad Henne poops his pants more than any other QB, even Erik Ainge.
Mike Hart is really good and really strong but he's a fucking pussy and gets hurt in every game.
Michigan secondary consists of me and 3 obese people.
Shawn Crable is a fucking beast.
Wow.
Tom Zbikowski just jacked someone and ND is going to lose.
Tashard Choice will run all over this defense.
Ohio State fans were bragging about their victory over YSU.
Lawrence Wilson broke his leg... that's what you get for backing out on Notre Dame you bitch.

So I got a little sidetracked, fuck it I'm psyched... what a day.

ND Players, I could have told you that

Derrick Hand and Jimmy Clausen are slowly learning there's nothing to do in South Bend, other than drink heavily and have sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, I've only fallen victim to one of those tempatations, but I'm hoping to change that over Thanksgiving this year.

Hand, charged with soliciting a prostitute, has entered into a pre-trial diversion program with the St. Joseph's County prosecutor. (I just hope Toth isn't still in office.) Hand was busted when he gave $20 to an undercover cop for a sex act. His nickname is now 'Handjob'; wow that was too easy. Anyway, Hand will be forced to pay $316 in court fees and take an HIV test as part of the agreement.

In other news, Jimothy Clausen was cited by excise for minor transportation of alcohol after a 23yr male went in to buy booze for Jimmy and one of his buddies.

The 23-year-old entered the store and bought two 1.75-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka and a 200-milliliter bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey, police said, as well as a case containing 30 cans of Natural Light beer.

Clausen remained outside the store in a Chevrolet Tahoe along with another Notre Dame freshman, who was not cited. Because the older man bought the alcohol, police said, the store was not cited.

Well, at least Jimmy knows how to party. I especially like the Jack pickup. Whiskey can cure the South Bend blues, and its tough to get a DUI in our great city. Clausen will also be participating in the famed "pre-trial" diverson program that obviously is working wonders in South Bend. I know it worked well in Bloomington IN. Everytime I got a drinking ticket, I'd just have to pay a little money and pick up trash on the side of the road for a few hours. Wow, what a punishment!

Hopefully both of the boys can stay out of trouble for the rest of the year, but its not even winter yet, so I don't how realistic that is. I thought Clausen only drove around in a Stretch Hummer Limos, so I don't know how accurate the story is. Charlie's gotta be losing his mind.

Advice:
Derrell "Handjob" Hand: Stay the hell away from South Michigan Street

Jimmy Clausen: Don't ever go to Belmont Beverage; you're getting popped 3 out of 10 times there. Head down 23 and swing by East Race Liquors. I was buying booze there at the age of 15 with an international ID I cut out of a National Geographic.

Rookies.
South Bend Tribune Clausen
South Bend Tribune Hand

College Football is almost here

Every college football fan has that one moment when they fully realize that the season has started. For some it's when the band plays the school fight song or when their team runs out of the tunnel before their first game. Mine is when the first asshole fan of the visiting team starts asking everyone: "When's the last time Notre Dame won a bowl game?". This douche is normally wearing a Michigan or Michigan State hat backwards. Either way I'm pretty excited for the best sports time of the year to start: College Football Saturdays.

Anyways, ticketcity.com has released its listings of the most expensive college football games of the year. Even though this is most likely going to be a down year for the Irish, they are participating in four of the top five most expensive games. The only game in the top five that doesn't involve ND is, not surprisingly, OSU-Michigan:

1 Penn State vs. Notre Dame September 8 State College, Pa. $1,100
2 Michigan vs. Ohio State November 17 Ann Arbor, Mich. $1,000
3 Notre Dame vs. USC October 20 South Bend, Ind. $950
4 Michigan vs. Notre Dame September 15 Ann Arbor, Mich. $696
5 Notre Dame vs. Boston College October 13 South Bend, Ind. $661

I really can't imagine paying $1,100 for a ticket to a regular season game unless it was a rivalry game with national title implications ala OSU-Michigan last year but some people are just a little too passionate about their team I guess. These numbers are very early indicators however. I fully expect Michigan-OSU to be the most expensive ticket by the time that game comes around.

O'Charlie Challenges God

Charlie Weis was asked about the Irish's prospects this season, and eventually the subject of rebuilding was brought up. At first, Charlie didnt quite hear the question , and responded "Yes, I love building my own burger at Chili's. More restaurants should let you do that." Then, he realized the reporter was talking about his teams prospects, and the idea of having to rebuild. Charlie wasn't having it. Being the big, tough guy he is, Weis said, "God strike me dead if I use that word"

God, wasn't immediately available for comment, but released this press statement from Heaven:"That jackass has to be kidding. I almost killed him once in an attempt to get him off his high carb diet, and now this? So, what happens if he says rebuilding? Do I have to kill him? God damn, this puts me in a sticky situation"

Weis doesn't care. He does and says whatever he wants. I can only imagine how shocked he was when the verdict was handed down at his case. He's challenging God now, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's serious. His ego is alive and well. Unfortunately, he hasn't found a way to eat that yet.

South Bend Tribune. I forgot how funny this newspaper is.