The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Dad Wasn't Lying about His Basketball Days

Growing up, my dad always told me he was pretty good at basketball. Time and time again, he'd remind me that I got my decent skills from him. He said he played a long, long time ago, somewhere in Hawaii. I didn't believe him. He didn't seem like the athletic type, but I guess ABC News dug up some video of him playing. I couldn't believe my eyes, but he's a lefty just like me, so I guess I have to believe him.

Who Am I talking about?: Here's a Hint

Here is Dad playing basketball. He actually was kind of a baller, but he could have dunked that breakaway. I would have.

I'd like to thank Jay Morris, who sent me a random text not too long ago that said "You look like Obama." Thanks to Fanhouse as well for the story. You've finally proven my pops true after all these years.

Don't believe I look like OBama, well here's the best I could do. I see it.

He's always traveling, never has time for me, and really hasn't taken any interest in my personal life. Bastard.

Fanhouse

Digger: Highlighting a Fool

Digger Phelps is a South Bend, IN. legend. I remember going to Martin’s Supermarket with my grandma one late fall night a long, long time ago and spotting Digger. My grandma told me “that’s the basketball coach at Notre Dame”, but she didn’t have to say it. I mean, of course I knew who he was. The grocery store was about 5 minutes from Notre Dame’s campus, and Digger was decked out in ND workout gear rifling through the snack aisle like the store was going out of business. It was late and Digger was hungry. He was out of there before we even had time to blink. Sadly, that was the best chance I would have at getting the famed coach’s autograph. He became a laughing stock in his final years at ND, and was replaced by John McCloud, who shockingly, made an even bigger ass of himself. After he was booted from ND, Digger dropped of the Notre Dame map for a long time, and he became an afterthought.

Digger’s efforts in South Bend, IN and across the rest of the county since his coaching days are rather impressive. He’s worked with the United Nations, helped victims of Katrina, and worked with the local government in South Bend to improve education and pass youth initiatives. He’s a philanthropist. Good for him.

However, no amount of generosity can make up for what he’s done on the ESPN sets. I can get past his ridiculous commentary on ESPN’s new basketball version of College Game Day. Him, Dick Vitale, and Jay Bilas make my heart hurt soo bad, but all I have to do is change the channel. However, I cannot get past one thing, and it eats at me every time I see him on ESPN. I cuss, scream, and leave the room with high blood pressure. What is it you ask? His color coordinating of highlighters and ties!

The first time I saw Digger with a bright green highlighter in his hand while wearing a bright green tie, I thought it was an accident. The next time, it was the pink highlighter with the pink tie. Still, maybe it was just a coincidence. The orange and orange finally did it, and I realized he was color coordinating. Digger, why in the hell do you need a highlighter? You’re not studying for a history test. It’s probably the most obnoxious, smug, and idiotic thing of all time.

I was reading through the South Bend Tribune, as I do occasionally to remind myself just how ridiculous my old stomping grounds are, and I found an article about Digger . He’s written a book titled, ‘The Undertaker’s Son”. Pretty self-explanatory, but his Game Plan for Life really caught my eye.

Below are three of his most powerful messages:

1.Music Is Like Pizza: Pick Musical toppings to suit your taste and mellow out to beat stress.
What in the hell does that mean?

2. Always Have A Backup: The best game plans don't prevent setbacks. Have alternatives.

Now, that almost seems like some advice he’s followed in life. Many of his game plans were ineffective at preventing setbacks, only he never had good alternatives.

3. Be Color Blind: Racism is wrong morally and an obstacle economically in global competition.

Digger, take some of your own advice and stop coordinating highlighters and suit ties. You might have a small chance of pulling it off if your suits weren’t 2 for 1 specials from S&K’s Menswear. Believe it or not, you aren’t a local pimp.

I can’t wait to see where this one finishes on the top seller list. Ya, I’m going to take advice from a man who color coordinates highlighters and ties. Good one.

SB TRIBUNE

Crisis Management for the Big Three

The NBA, NFL, and MLB have all had some problems lately. Since I am a bit appalled by all of this (but not surprised), and am fortunate enough to be a contributor on a blog that at least a few people read, I think it’s time to ramble. So let’s take a look at the Big Three sports and their problems.

National Basketball Association

The hottest topic as of today-- Tim Donaghy, referee, is accused of fixing and/or shaving points from games. Is anyone actually surprised? To a degree, yes, but as Buzzsaw mentioned in a comment, the NBA is pretty shady. It is a damn shame that this news came out, because it used to be fun to laugh at the thought of NBA games being fixed. But I’m sure that most of us didn’t actually think they would do it AND make it so blatantly obvious in the process (see the Heat’s NBA Finals win-- I know Donaghy wasn’t a ref in that series, but wow). The worst part about it is that everything involved in the NBA is going to become a big joke. Remember that youtube clip of the Ewing draft lottery? Most controversialists will probably start to really believe that it was fixed for the Knicks. Your team loses a tight game on a shady call? Blame that it’s fixed. I just hope that the same type of news doesn’t come out about poker websites. It would be the same exact kind of response; I jokingly say it’s fixed but I don’t actually believe it, but if it came out that it was fixed, I couldn’t possibly be surprised. So there you have it-- the NBA is the Pokerstars of sports. Good luck, Dave Stern.

(Hopefully you guys can see the most likely photoshopped "five Aces" picture. Remember, "When there's an A, there's a way")

National Football League

Pacman Jones, Chris Henry, Tank Johnson, and, oh, Michael Vick have a lot to do with this one. I like the stance that Roger Goodell is taking by not putting up with any shit. The timing is strange more than anything because all of this ridiculous news has been coming out about Vick and his dawgs (his entourage or his pets; you decide). As sad as it is, I feel like the NFL is the sport that is being least affected by its bad PR lately. And that isn’t because it’s not that bad (because it is), but because the other two have to do with cheating and actually affecting the outcomes of games. Anyway, I like what Goodell is doing and the only thing he can really do is stay strict. If there are bad seeds in the league, they will reveal themselves over time.

Major League Baseball

It’s funny that steroids are being focused mostly in baseball and that the players associated with it are completely turned on by the public. But then it shows up in the NFL, Shawne Merriman gets suspended for a few games, then comes back and gets to the Pro Bowl and everything is just fine. What the hell? I’m definitely not a Barry Bonds guy (I think he is a douche bag), but it is a little bit unfair. The only difference I can see is the degree of the results. Bonds is about to break the career HR record and Merriman is just an ass hole that got to play in the shitty Pro Bowl in Hawaii (no one actually watches it anyway). Baseball is turning into a joke to some people, but I’m starting to try to consider steroids as just part of the game. Kind of like a bad referee in a college basketball game or something. I’m sure that these guys will always find ways to pass the drug tests. If you want to shorten your life and ruin your body to make a few extra bucks, be my guest.

To sum things up, I will reiterate my point that the NFL is the sport least affected by this terrible PR. To put that in perspective, we’re putting criminals in the NFL above steroid users and cheaters in both the MLB and NBA, respectively. Maybe my perception on this is all wrong, but that is how I am seeing it. No one is really turning on the NFL like they do with the other two. That is pretty much all I’ve got. Give me my bashing in the comment section-- I will take it like a man.

Knicks Win NBA TItle (Sort of)

Isiah Thomas is laughing in the face of all of his critics as his Knicks went an astonishing 5-0 in Summer League play and won what they thought was a mini-replica Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy. It was only later revealed that the trophy was made out of chocolate and covered with Roundy’s aluminum tin foil that had been spray painted gold. Eddy Curry, after hearing the news, was so ecstatic that he flew out to Vegas and ate the trophy without removing the foil.

Nate Robinson captured the Summer League MVP award averaging 19.6 points, 6.0 assists and 3.6 rebounds per game. Robinson’s 30 assists out in Vegas were actually more than he had accumulated in his 2,4567 games dating back to 4^th grade. The two New York rookies, Demetris Nichols and Wilson Chandler, also had solid Summer League numbers averaging 15.6ppg and 13.4ppg, respectively. So, all three can be expecting max deals. During the Knicks championship acceptance speech Nate had this to say:

"I'm honored to have been selected MVP but more proud of my teammates and going 5-0. It's been a great week for us."

Nate’s new found “pass first” mentality means he might consider entering the Skills Competition instead of the dunk contest next year, which would finally prove that God doesn’t hate me. You see, I’m pretty sure that competition is timed and it would prevent me from trying to hang myself as I watch Nate miss his 300^th attempt at a reverse, 360, east bay funk. (Spud Webb is so late 80’s!)

Isiah has left all of his doubters speechless. He can now sit back and laugh at all of those people who criticized him for playing two “shoot first, shoot second, pass only if the ball is ticking” point guards, owing the league $46 million dollars in luxury tax, and finishing well under .500 with the most expensive and ineffective roster in the history of the NBA.

Enjoy the “championship” Isiah, it’s the last one you’ll be winning for a long, long time.

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