The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

LeBron takes a dump on Cleveland

I didn't notice it while watching last night's game but its been brought to my attention by a number of people that LeBron James was actually sporting a Yankees hat at the Tribe-Yanks game--at Jacobs field no less. I used to have some respect for BronBron until I realized that he is every kid that I hated in grade school. Not only is he a Yankees fan for no apparent reason, he's also a Cowboys fan and a Bulls fan. You know the kid I'm talking about. Cowboys Starter jacket. Jordan jersey. Brand new Yankees hat. How can any one like such a bandwagon piece of shit? Its bad enough that he's a fan but to wear the hat to the game and proudly display it is like taking dog shit and smearing it in the face of every person in the city of Cleveland. If I were an Indians fan at the Jake I would bomb beer bottles at his head (Cleveland fans already know how to do this).

As if I needed another reason to root for the Yankees to lose. I hope the Indians sweep and LeBron breaks his leg.

Those Clever ESPN Folks

Did the great minds in Bristol really think we wouldn't notice? Scheduling the final results announcement of Who's Now on the final day of the PGA Event that Tiger Woods has owned ever since stepping foot on Firestone's South golf course? Woods has won six of the last ten events at Firestone Country Club, located in Akron, Ohio. On Sunday, he laughed his way up and down the course, slapping "the major caliber course" in the face by being the only player to finish in red numbers at eight-under par (-8). Hey, at least Rory gave us a storyline.

Tiger's unlucky Who's Now opponent? LeBron James from, you guessed it, Akron, Ohio. Not a bad Sunday for Tiger-- he dismantled both Akron's heralded golf course and it's pride and joy, all in one day.

Today's most Now athlete had this to say about ESPN's bracket style contest: "As a huge fan of ESPN, this is an honor. They always come up with cool new content. I'd like to thank all the fans who took the time to vote for me." I like the cool new content as well, Eldrick.

As a side note, Tiger has been playing in the event at Firestone since 1997 (they keep renaming the tournament, or I would call it by its name). Here is how he has fared in those 10 years:

T3, T5, 1, 1, 1, 4, T4, T2, 1, 1, 1

He owns Akron. The least he could do is give LeBron his due and a goddamn Who's Now title. Asshole. Yeah, I know-- another bridesmaids gown for Ohio-- it's like clockwork. (Inserting "LeBron will never be as good as Michael!" bash) But hey, we all know his Airness would have taken Tiger down! Okay, that's better.

The Ohio Bridesmaids: We Care about "Who's Now"

Not again, and not ESPN. I’m beginning to think this is some kind of sick joke.We’ve already documented the 2^nd place finishes of the Ohio State Buckeye football and basketball teams, as well as the crushing defeat of the the Cavaliers at the hands of the French flag waving Tony Parker and his Spurs. Next, came the loss of the Columbus Destroyers in the Arena whatever you call it. However, we thought the insanity was over until the Cleveland Indians made an improbable run to the World Series only to suffer a loss to whichever NL team plays poorly enough to sneak in. (I won’t even begin to touch on the rumors of Michael Vick’s planned midseason raid of the Dawg Pound.)

Now, we find out that Lebron James is facing Tiger Woods in ESPN’s “Who’s Now” championship. You’ve got to be kidding me. Lebron navigated through his tough bracket defeating Kelly Slater, who’s nickname in the bracket was the fitting “Who’s That”. I think she may have been in Playboy, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. In the semifinals, Lebron took down Shaquille O’Neil, setting up a match-up with ESPN’s “King of Swing” Tiger Woods. We all know how this one is going to end.

I’m pretty sure Tiger doesn’t lose unless he wants to. One would be foolish to assume he’s not going to do everything in his power to ensure victory, even if that means skipping his preparation for the PGA Championship to vote for himself 1 million times over the next day. Hey, the guy is an absolute nut. So, the trend will most certainly continue regardless of any attempt by Stuart Scott to sway the vote with his “Boo-Yahs” and “Cooler than the other side of the pillow’ references during Lebron’s highlight package.

We were beginning to think that Ohio, the bridesmaid, would eventually get her chance. I guess that’s not the case. Ohio is like the really fat, ugly bridesmaid who lost her shot at getting married a few too many twinkies ago. The state of Florida crushed any Ohio State Buckeye title hopes, and now it looks like one of its residents will do the same. It’s unfortunate, a “Who’s Now” victory would have completely made up for the other crushing Ohio defeats. Wait, not at all, but it would have been a start. A really, really small and annoying start.

Damn, Lebron even played second fiddle to Kimmel at the ESPY’s.

(This was a Guy Production in association with Poor Man's Entertainment. All information contained above came from Guy who was attending a concert and had no internet access.)