Monday, July 16, 2007

Ohio: The Bridesmaid of America

In light of the Columbus Destroyers’ berth into the Arena Football League Championship (National Championship of Arena Football? Arena League Super Bowl? Who cares?), it is time to take a look back on the year in Ohio sports. Hide the women and children.

The “Been there, done that” Group

Ohio State Football Buckeyes vs. Florida Gators- Kind of a funny one. Most Buckeyes fans had claimed the National Championship after the victory over the #2 Michigan Wolverines. Well, the National Title rolled around, and the Bucks subsequently rolled over. Some would call it a beatdown, but I just called it a travesty. Urban Meyer completely outcoached Jim Tressel; and Florida’s players completely outplayed those of Ohio State’s. It was a tough one to swallow for Buckeyes fans, considering the fact that it didn’t even feel real as it was going on. Seriously, who expected 41-14?

Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes vs. Florida Gators- This one definitely didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the Gator ass beating of the football variety. Everyone knew for the Buckeyes to win they would have to absolutely play out of their asses. And Greg Oden did. Everyone else just forgot to show up. Oh, and Al Horford and Lee Humphrey played all right. The Gators rolled in this one, 84-75. (Not that you give a shit, but this is the only one so far that didn’t directly affect me personally).

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. San Antonio Spurs- For most Ohio fans, it is just a relief that this shellacking didn’t come courtesy of a Florida team. After an absurd performance from LeBron in the Leastern Conference Finals, the Spurs put them in their place in The Finals (it is important to capitalize “The” in “The Finals”). Also, the Cavaliers’ lack of a point guard and pretty much any sign of a supporting cast really hurt their bid in this one, but that is for another article at another time.

The “Soon to be added to the list” Group

Columbus Destroyers vs. San Jose Sabercats- The real story of this article-- the city of Columbus will be balls to the wall excited come Sunday, July 29th. However, this one has another blowout written all over it. I’m not sure how the AFL works, and I’m not about to research it, but the Destroyers are taking their 7-9 record into the championship game (San Jose went 13-3). That pretty much sums it up. Whatever-- no one actually cares about the AFL, anyway. Troy Smith will look good in a Destroyers uniform in a few years.

Other possible candidates

Cleveland Indians vs. Insert Shitty NL Representative Here- The Indians are surely in the playoff hunt, so who knows what could happen. A reason I could see them going down in the Series is that they suck in NL parks, considering one of their top three hitters, Travis Hafner, is a DH. He would have to move to first in the Series, moving Ryan Garko out of the lineup. That would suck.

Cleveland Browns vs. Their Kids in a Backyard Game- Eh. I probably could have done better than that. On a serious note, we can start talking Browns in 2009, or 2008 in the best case scenario.

I would have used the Bengals for the NFL part, but they’re a bunch of ass holes. Oh, and I'm focusing on mostly Cleveland if you haven't noticed.

Anyway, if the Indians actually make the World Series and lose, I’ll be the guy that’s dead, face down in a ditch somewhere.


Buzzsaw said...

Great job, with Brady Quinn, the Browns are sure to almost beat the Patriots, once.

Daris said...

is troy smith gunna be playing O-Line for columbus? No AFL team in their right mind would start him at QB.

Guy said...

I think he'd best serve as a kick returner. Remember Woodrow Dantzler?

Breeze said...

I guess the Blue Jackets are so bad they don't even rate a mention.

Daris said...

i don't know if I should be ashmed or proud of the fact that I didn't realize Columbus had an NHL team until this very moment.

breeze, anyone ever tell you that you look like toothlessberger? I clicked on your profile and though Big Ben was blogging. The only athlete I look like is Tayshaun Prince, so take it as a compliment.

Uncreative Commuter said...

The Dayton Bombers of the ECHL also lost in the league finals.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

normally I'd come in with guns blazing in defense of the buckeye state, but since 2003 (Buckeye's win nat'l title) it's been downhill for almost every team in the state.

Won't stop me from trying to get media credentials from the AFL, though.

Anonymous said...

Indians lose in the World Series? mean like in 1997 to a team from Florida?

(Go Marlins)

Buzzsaw said...

No man, he means like 1995 to a team from Atlanta .. sorry guy, he started it

COOL JASON said...

Last year's AFL Champs (won in the ARENA BOWL, clowntown) were the Chicago Rush, who happened to have a 7-9 regular season. GO DESTROYERS!

glenn said...

Thankfully, the Reds haven't lost a playoff game in 12 years.

Daris said...

Cool Jason,

I think Guy knew it was called the Arena Bowl, but was just embarassed to admit it. I really can't blame him.

Cheers to you for being the only man in the United States who follows the AFL.

I'm pretty sure I could make an AFL football team, and that's just really, really, really sad. In fact you may have just motivated me to try out. I wonder if He Hate Me is available, wait, was that guy in the AFL?

AFL players need to give up their pipe dreams and pick up full-time hours at whatever Rally's they're currently working at.

CJ said...

Lies. Every playoff game has been sold out. You could not make any team in the league. He Hate Me is in the NFL. And, no, Patrick didn't know it was the Arena Bowl.

Daris said...


You manage a Rally's in Columbus or something? The guys will be back at work in two weeks, no worries.

Some Points:
1. Rod Smart is no longer in the NFL. (You think I was making a joke about He Hate Me playing in the AFL? Hmmm, just maybe.)

2. Every AFL playoff game has been sold out because tickets cost 5-10 bucks a pop. Sometimes, they just give packages away for free. We have an AFL team down here in Louisville, and I actually saw a lady in their marketing department cry at a business luncheon "because no one cares about the AFL." Louisville doesn't have one other professional sports team, and the Fire still can't get 10k people to go to a game. So, I was wrong with my obiviously genuine comment that " only one man in the United States" follows the AFL. Actually, its 1 out of every 100, which might still prove me point.

3. Maybe I was being sarcastic with that AFL tryout comment, or I just use "Daris" as my online identity and I'm really Emmitt Smith? I'll let you decide which one is true.

4. The only reason the AFL still exists is because of football's takeover here in the United States, and an insanely aggresive marketing/advertising campaign started by David Baker and fueled by ESPN.

5. The game might be "cool" and "unique", but I don't watch sports for those reasons. I'd just go rent "Basketball" if that were the case. Skill and talent level will always win out in the end.

Here's to a glorified developmental league with a bunch of touchdowns, and sub-par competition. I sometimes forget the audience I'm talking to. I just hope John Mellencamp's singing our new national anthem, "This is Our Country" at the Arena Bowl in the back of a big Chevy truck!