"Ring of a Champion": Bling for All

Dorks and stoned professional athletes everywhere are rejoicing as EA Sports recently announced the “Ring of a Champion” feature to be included in Madden 08’. Jostens, the company that has designed 27 out of the 41 Super Bowl rings, has teamed up with EA Sports in an attempt to embarrass anyone who is insane enough to actually purchase one of these things.

Gamers will have the ability to enter a special code on Jostens’ website after completing three grueling Madden 08’ “game skill” level tests, and then custom design a ring that can include any one of the 32 team logos. Once a gamer passes level five, he or she (WNBA) will obtain “Epic ring” status and have more customizable options including cubic zirconium stones and real diamonds. The rings will cost anywhere between $149.00 and $495.00 depending on how much rain one feels like making.

On the professional side, Jim Kelly and Marv Levy have set up a make shift “mini-camp” in Kelly’s basement and have spent 12 hours a day running over game tape from two previous Madden 07’ seasons saved on Kelly’s memory card. They might just get their ring after all.
Michael Vick might be facing some non-dog related federal charges as he was caught trying to break into EA Sports headquarters in an attempt to figure out what new game features would be included in Madden 08’. He was quoted as saying, “Damn man, I had just figured out that whole Lead Blocker Control bullshit.”

Roger Goodell fainted after early reports from Tennessee revealed that Pac Man had pre-ordered 300 copies of the game and would be allowed to order one GIGANTIC ring from Jostens if he gets past level three on every game. Pac Man says, “this bitch gunna be so big I’m gunna need a wheel barrel to haul it around.”

Males, ages 10-25, everywhere are now faced with the daunting task of trying to keep up with all of life’s responsibilities and still achieve “bling” status. John Madden, you’re impact won’t be known for a few more months, but I predict unfettered chaos. I hope you can sleep with yourself at night. I’ll buy one of your damn rings the day you get back on an airplane, pussy.