Gary Player: Pinky Promises

So, Gary Player thinks steroids will inevitably invade golf. Here’s the proof he offered:

"One guy told me -- and I took an oath prior to him telling me -- but he told me what he did and I could see this massive change in him. And somebody else told me something I also promised I wouldn't tell, that verified others had done it."

Uhhh, what? I knew he was old, but come on Gary! The stupidest kid in pre-school makes fun of you for saying something like that. The reporter who asked the question immediately responded with this:

“Mr.Player, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” I thought the quote was fitting and made me remember that Adam Sandler did, at one point, make funny movies.

Player believes golf organizations across the world have to act immediately if they wish to thwart a full-scale steroid epidemic. Interestingly, I thought golf tours were composed mostly of white, middle-aged men who look either like your next door neighbor, or your next door neighbor’s overweight wife. In fact, a large number of golfers have what many people refer to as “Man Boobs”. (“Mickelsons” in cleverer circles.)

Speaking of Phil, he seemed a little guilty when he was asked about the possibility of a PGA golfer testing positive to steroids saying, “"I don't think there's even a remote chance that will happen.” Yeah whatever Victor Conte, I have my suspicions.

I say this to Phil: “Whoever denied it supplied it.” I’ve based most of my life on this motto; not just my ongoing battle with stinky flatulence. Phil is intelligent though, drug dealers aren’t supposed to “use their own stuff”, and we all know Phil has never touched a steroid in his life; unless ‘steroid’ now means Peanut Butter Cup or Treatza Pizza.

The LPGA ladies aren’t out of the woods either. Their tour will begin testing next month. Laurie Davies’ should just suspend herself now. I feel bad for her girlfriend, I’ve heard roid’ rage is scary as hell. I urge anyone who thinks Player is correct in his belief that at least 10% of professional players are using steroids to watch the first round of the Open today. You’ll realize three minutes into coverage that he is dead wrong. Gary, shift your position from “there are steroids in golf” to “there are ridiculously sized driver heads that look like end tables in golf” and you might have a legitimate talking point.

Stu Scott