Thursday, July 19, 2007

Gary Player: Pinky Promises

So, Gary Player thinks steroids will inevitably invade golf. Here’s the proof he offered:

"One guy told me -- and I took an oath prior to him telling me -- but he told me what he did and I could see this massive change in him. And somebody else told me something I also promised I wouldn't tell, that verified others had done it."

Uhhh, what? I knew he was old, but come on Gary! The stupidest kid in pre-school makes fun of you for saying something like that. The reporter who asked the question immediately responded with this:

“Mr.Player, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” I thought the quote was fitting and made me remember that Adam Sandler did, at one point, make funny movies.

Player believes golf organizations across the world have to act immediately if they wish to thwart a full-scale steroid epidemic. Interestingly, I thought golf tours were composed mostly of white, middle-aged men who look either like your next door neighbor, or your next door neighbor’s overweight wife. In fact, a large number of golfers have what many people refer to as “Man Boobs”. (“Mickelsons” in cleverer circles.)

Speaking of Phil, he seemed a little guilty when he was asked about the possibility of a PGA golfer testing positive to steroids saying, “"I don't think there's even a remote chance that will happen.” Yeah whatever Victor Conte, I have my suspicions.

I say this to Phil: “Whoever denied it supplied it.” I’ve based most of my life on this motto; not just my ongoing battle with stinky flatulence. Phil is intelligent though, drug dealers aren’t supposed to “use their own stuff”, and we all know Phil has never touched a steroid in his life; unless ‘steroid’ now means Peanut Butter Cup or Treatza Pizza.


The LPGA ladies aren’t out of the woods either. Their tour will begin testing next month. Laurie Davies’ should just suspend herself now. I feel bad for her girlfriend, I’ve heard roid’ rage is scary as hell. I urge anyone who thinks Player is correct in his belief that at least 10% of professional players are using steroids to watch the first round of the Open today. You’ll realize three minutes into coverage that he is dead wrong. Gary, shift your position from “there are steroids in golf” to “there are ridiculously sized driver heads that look like end tables in golf” and you might have a legitimate talking point.

Stu Scott

7 Comments:

Buzzsaw said...

Who confides in Gary Player?? Seriously, was Jack Nicholas or Arnold Palmer not available. "Hey Gary, just wanted to get your opinion on something. I've been having a lot of trouble breaking you and Arnie's records, so I was thinking about trying some roids, any thoughts?"

Guy said...

A bit of a satire theme today. FANTASTIC Bill Madison reference.

Seriously, that quote is ridiculous. It might be better than that Seagall quote from your "Where are they now v#1" article.

As far as Gary Player goes-- I've got a little story. Rumor has it that when Player won the 1974 British Open, coming down the stretch (one of the last few holes), Player lost a ball. The time was ticking on the five minute period that you have to find your ball, and Player's longtime caddy, Rabbit, suddenly found it. After the tournament was over, the tournament director and others were sitting around thinking that Rabbit may have cheated. They mowed down the rough and found the ball. Rabbit is not even allowed in the country anymore.

So, just take anything that Gary Player says for what it's worth.

Daris said...

gary player is more known for that curb epidode when larry goes to the playboy mansion then gets to play a round with player.Hefs Rob and Gary's green jacket were the subject of that episodes if you dont remember.

Anyway, that is the most ridiculous quote ive heard in 2.5 years. (haha guy)

Guy said...

2.5-- no more, no less.

Oh, and shouldn't it say "Gary Player: Pinky Swears"

Buzzsaw said...

Not if you appreciate alliteration

Guy said...

I should have paid more attention in high school English.

Daris said...

haha ya, i usually call it the swear, but i think the young guns are using pinky promise.

a little fruity if you ask me.