The Long and Winding Road: Tim Couch

Note: Prepare for a completely biased account regarding my deep love and affection for the one, Tim Couch.

Let’s start this off with my first memories of the legend. 1999. The Browns get a new team after Art Modell stripped Cleveland of their beloved just three years prior. I’m 13 years old. Of course I’m going to love whoever they draft in the first round. Tim Couch, quarterback out of the University of Kentucky it is. I have two, count ‘em, TWO Couch jerseys in my closet to this day. I already had the brown when my uncle bought me the white; I kept it anyway. The Browns went a paltry 2-14 in their expansion season. Their first win was on the road against the Saints where Couch connected with everyone’s favorite rookie Kevin Johnson on a Hail Mary. It was awesome. Oh, and his running back was Terry Kirby that year. Yep.

The 2000 season was the one where he ended up playing 7 games and broke his thumb in practice. The team was awful, they went 3-13, and Chris Palmer got nixed. Tough break, kid. (I still don’t understand why they fired Palmer so early. It was an expansion team for Christ’s sake).

2001 was the year that the soon-to-be-devil showed his face. Butch Davis entered the scene and brought the team to a 7-9 record-- pretty exciting stuff in Cleveland. This was the year that I specifically remember Chris Berman and TJ giving out fake presents on NFL Primetime during the Christmas season. They said they would give the Browns a real running game to see how good they really could be. That tells you how bad Couch’s team sucked, and he hung in there to throw for 3,000 yards. This was the year of the bottle throwing incident (I was there). I could sit here and say they got robbed and should have been 8-8, but I won’t will. They should have been 8-8.

Then, 2002 happened. I have probably never been more excited in my sports life. The Cleveland Browns (the BROWNS!) made the playoffs while strapped on the back of a pretty good defense and Tim Couch. Couch threw for nearly 3,000 yards and had 18 touchdown passes. He looked like he was going to be a serviceable-at-worst starter after all, leading the team to an 8-6 record when he started. This was also the year when Browns fans cheered when he got hurt against the Ravens on Sunday night (week five) because they were excited for Holcomb to come in (amazing what a 1-1 record to start the year can do for you because Couch was shelved with elbow tendonitis). He bounced back to go 7-4 in his next 11 starts after the Sunday night Baltimore debacle despite the fans giving up on him in week five.

The final game of the season was against the Atlanta Falcons. Tim’s bad luck continued, as he broke his leg during the game (read: out for playoffs). The Browns went on to win, and a berth in the playoffs was clinched after the Jets delivered a little beat to the Packers for us.

With Couch shelved, Kelly Holcomb got the nod in the playoff game at Pittsburgh. Because of his decent 2 starts at the beginning of the season mentioned above, Browns’ fans had sufficient confidence in him. Some were even ecstatic that he was playing instead of “That bum Tim Couch.” That confused me, and I, of course, was distraught that Couch couldn’t play in the playoff game that he earned, but it was still Browns playoff football.

The Steelers’ secondary was absolutely awful that year. Holcomb lit them up for 429 yards, 3 TDs, and 1 INT, going 26/43 passing in the 36-33 loss. I can’t stress the word loss enough.

Can I sit here and tell you that the Browns would have beaten the Steelers had Couch played instead of Holcomb? Of course not; the defense was abysmal that game, getting owned by Tommy Maddox.

A quarterback controversy erupted going into the 2003 season. You had your senseless Holcomb backers and your loyal Couch supporters. Butch Davis announced his decision, saying that he had a “gut feeling” about Holcomb. I almost puked in my mouth. How could a player be stripped of his job due to an injury, when the replacement didn’t even take the team anywhere? This wasn’t a Brady over Bledsoe or Warner over Green situation. This was a team that was guided to a 9-7 record under one guy, then they lost a playoff game where the replacement threw for a bajillion yards against a bad secondary in a shootout. Get out of town, Butch.

And he did. Butch and Kelly followed up the playoff season with a less than stellar 5-11 record. Tim and Kelly each saw action in 10 of those games, but at that point, Couch’s playing time didn’t matter. All confidence was lost in Couch by both Davis and the fans that irrationally jumped on the “Kelly Holcomb is God Bandwagon.” Whoever was driving shotgun of that thing drove it into a telephone pole. I’m sure there were many casualties (call it survival of the fittest). Couch was let go by the team, and that was the extent of his Cleveland Browns stint.

I can’t tell you that they would have been a lot better than 5-11 in the “gut feeling” year, as I call it, but I bet they would have. It’s a lot different being the backup with no pressure that everyone loves than the starter, isn’t it, Kelly?

Butch then started off 2004 with a bang, going 3-9 and securing that his ass got fired. He took the rest of his guaranteed contract money, with a smile on his face I’m sure, and went back to college football where he belongs. All while helping to wreck what could have been a pretty good Tim Couch career. Thanks for letting us witness your ego problem, Butch.

And the beats haven’t stopped. He has since had a boatload of arm troubles, and he just never got anything going. He was actually booed off the field at Lambeau in training camp during his preseason appearances with the Packers. Talk about a shattered self-esteem.

Just because I don’t feel like summarizing Tuesday’s steroid news, here’s what someone posted on his Wikipedia page:

On August 28, 2007, Yahoo! Sports reported that Couch, while attempting to recover from shoulder surgery, knowingly took anabolic steroids and human growth hormone as part of his daily regimen. HGH are banned by the NFL. Despite Couch's statements that he never took any illegal steroids, the same reports indicate that he did while taking the HGH. This also comes months after Couch said he never took HGH, so these statements have now been rebutted. If a NFL team signs Couch for the 2007 season, pending the outcome of the investigation Couch could face disciplinary action because a free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy.

That’s pretty much it. Tim will always hold a special place in my heart. But he doesn’t give a shit. He still has his guaranteed money from his rookie contract and Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar as his wife.

I guess I shouldn't feel bad after all.

Bobby Cox: Roid Raging?

In this age of steroids, many milestones have been achieved; Palmeiro’s 3,000^th hit and Sosa’s 600^th home run, and records have been broken; Bond’s recent 756^th home run, but one record has yet to be tainted. Bobby Cox is currently tied with John McGraw for the all-time lead in ejections at 131. A feat like that takes longevity, strength, and extreme anger, each happens to be an effect of the use of anabolic steroids. So it’s time for us to stop, squat, and taint this seemingly legitimate record.

The links between Cox and steroids are unavoidable; let’s start with his body transformation. Cox entered the league at a slender, 180 lb third baseman. Clearly, those ‘slender’ days are gone. There are no firm numbers available, but from my eye, honed at numerous state/county fair booths, I’d say he’s pushing 275 right now. That’s even more extreme than Bonds’ transformation.

Cox’s connection to Bonds does not end at their weight gain; Yahoo’s Jeff Passan notes another similarity:

He and Bonds share that continued greatness, and much more, too. Eight years ago, when asked by the Contra Costa Times how he hit a fastball so well, Bonds answered: "Reaction."
Earlier this week, asked to explain what caused so many of his ejections, Cox said: "It's all reaction."

BOOM!!! GOTCHA BITCH

Now that we’ve established, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Bobby’s been using we can establish the juice’s benefit to him. Along with longevity and brute strength, steroid use also causes an inhuman rage. The effects of roid rage have been well documented in recent weeks. Luckily for the Braves, Cox has avoided his inevitable double murder suicide, but he has had his own domestic violence issues. Universal man code notes a huge difference between slapping a ho and strangling a ho, sadly, Cox chose the later which is a clear sign of the presence of a banned substance. Throughout history, drugs have been made to increase anger and increase the likelihood of violence, verbal or otherwise. It all began with the Vikings and the mind altering drugs they’d take before battle; a modern day example would be alcohol, I almost got in a fight due to alcohol just this weekend. Alcohol, however, is legal but detectable on the breath; Cox had to turn to another drug with more subtle warning signs.

Basically, Bobby Cox has gotten a free ride for too long and it’s time that his record be put into perspective. It’s sad, but, in this era of steroids, every achievement must be scrutinized. One must ask not how many ejections Cox has received, but how many injections it took to get him there.

Yahoo!

NY Times

James "Lights Out" Toney: There's a Dart in Your Neck

James “Lights Out” Toney’s year long suspension has been reduced to six months after the California State Athletic Commission voted 6-1 in favor of the lighter punishment. If you remember, “Lights Out” and his opponent both tested positive for performance enhancers after their May 24th fight in San Jose. Toney ultimately won the fight by spilt decision, and every one assumed the match-up was fair as both fighters were both using steroids.

Well Toney’s opponent, Danny Batchelder, might have a complaint now that new information reveals Toney was on “boldenone, which {is} a fat-reducing medication for horses and can only be prescribed by veterinarians.”

So, James Toney was using the animal equivalent of Fat Predator in an attempt to lose weight for his fight against Batchelder. I don’t know what’s more shocking, Toney taking Barbaroids or the California State commission reducing his suspension after this information was revealed.

I started doing a little investigating and found out that boldenone is a little more common than you think. In fact BodyBuilding.com, had this to say about boldenone.

“For something that is generally injected into cows, horses and dogs boldenone is quite a popular and well-liked drug by most bodybuilders because of its unique make-up.”


Now that’s special. I just wish Toney would have done a little more investigating before juicing up. One simple google search told me that boldenone is “easily detectable in blood tests due to its long metabloic half-life. Trace amounts of the drug can easily be detected for months after discontinued use.”

I’m not 100% sure what “long metabolic half-life” means, but I’d guess you shouldn’t take it if you think you might get tested right after a fight. “Lights Out” didn’t learn his lesson after all. Just a little over two years ago, Toney was stripped of his victory of John Ruiz for testing positive for another anabolic steroid during…wait for it…..another post-fight steroid test! Toney’s won 70 fights in his career. I can only imagine how many of those victories were juice induced.

Too bad Vick didn’t get a hold of this veterinarian who was supplying Toney with the animal steroids. He wouldn’t have had to kill so many dogs. Oh, will the Vick funny ever end? Seriously though, those dog fights would have been more entertaining.

BoxingScene

Life After 756

I’m getting pretty tired of talking about whether Barry deserves the record, or if any of these steroid-era milestones should be respected. Only one thing is certain after Bonds hits #756, your life will not be the same. You can call me a hypocrite, but I’ve come around; last year I would have been the first to say that all the “Chasing Aaron” graphics were a little premature. Now, however, I look forward to seeing if Barry hit a home run, how he’s historically fared against his next pitching matchup, etc. So exactly what changes will ESPN make to your life??

• BottomLine- All you Giants fans will finally be able to see how your favorite player, non-Bonds division, did on ESPN’s bottom line. I feel your pain, I’ve got Tim Lincecum on my fantasy team, and when I look for his stats all I get is “CHASING AARON: Bonds: 0-3 2K’s 1BB … left game in 8^th Inning.” I don’t give a shit about Mr. 756; it’s time to get back to focusing on the real season, I feel like I don't even know the Yankees or Red Sox anymore.
  

• ESPN.com- In case you didn’t catch Barry’s most recent groundout on the BottomLine, you can always log on to ESPN.com. I’m going to miss my daily Barry updates in the breaking news section, front page headline, AND the fucking “Chasing Aaron” pop-up; sometimes they’re all about Barry at the exact same time, a steroid trifecta. Basically, my computer has something against my penis; it blocks such ads as Extenz but allows “Chasing Aaron” which is just begging me to take steroids, hit home runs, and shrink my balls… fuck you Norton.

• Giant’s ESPN Games- I’m going to really miss watching the Giants games on TV every night. I cherish every moment I get to listen to John Miller; sounds crazy right? Not when you compare the last-place Giants' games to the atrocity that is NASCAR Now. Eric Kuselias and Brad Daugherty make John Miller look like Bob Costas.

• Bonds Countdown- The best thing about the Giants games are the countdowns to Bonds' next at-bat. This isn’t awesome because of Bonds, I hate the douche, but I love knowing when my favorite former Brave, Ryan Klesko, is coming up. See, all I have to do is add one to the Bonds countdown to know when Klesko continues “Chasing Strawberry” for the elusive 1000 RBI milestone … Go RYNO!!!

• Live Look Ins- This might be the only part I don’t miss about Bonds/ESPN’s “Chasing Aaron” fiasco. Have you been here? “Top of the ninth, full count, runners at first and third, two outs, ANDDDD a Barry Bonds look in. [cut to shot of Barry being intentionally walked, while you’re team is scoring the go-ahead run on the top two inches of the screen].” Yea, that’s annoying.

We can only hope that tomorrow will be the day; (channeling Bill Simmons) it’s the Nationals! It’s the Giants! It’s Major League Baseball on ESPN!!! (and ESPN2, ESPN.com, ESPN Mobile, and any other game you might be watching)

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