Ohio: Adding a Few More Bridesmaids' Gowns to the Closet

This past weekend marked yet another rough set of championship games for Ohio.

First-- Saturday, DIII NCAA Football powerhouse Mount Union College Purple Raiders, located in Alliance, Ohio, went down to Wisconsin Whitewater in the DIII National Championship game in Salem, Virginia. This marked the third consecutive year of the same matchup for the Championship, but the first time that Mount Union lost. Being a native of Alliance, I realize that as the fans may be spoiled with multiple recent championships, they are still Ohio residents. Ohio residents that have gone through multiple runner-up bids over the past calendar year. Not to mention, the Purple Raiders were found at just around minus-20 in Vegas casinos leading up to the game.

Then, Sunday, Ohio State lost its third championship game of the year. This time in soccer. After taking a 1-0 lead early in the championship against Wake Forest, Ohio State fell 2-1.

Let's recap the Ohio bridesmaids:

1. NCAAFB (DI)- Ohio State Football Buckeyes (January)
2. NCAABB- Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes (early April)
3. NBA- Cleveland Cavaliers (June)
4. AFL- Columbus Destroyers (July)
5. NCAAFB (DIII)- Mount Union College Purple Raiders (December)
6. NCAA Soccer- Ohio State Buckeyes (December)

You really can't make this stuff up. I dread the possibilities this coming January 7th, as our Football Buckeyes take on the Bayou Bengals.

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

Tribe-Yankees Game One: Sabathia vs. Wang (Insert Penis Joke Here)

Let's make this quick. The Indians play host to the Yankees tomorrow evening at 6:30 for Game 1 of the ALDS. Certain victory looms for the Tribe, as the Yankees haven't faced off against Sabathia since 2004, before he was a real ace. And with a name like Wang, you're asking to get slapped.

But seriously, this game will set the tone for the rest of the series. Although that may be true for every series, it is especially true for this one. The Yankees beat the Indians in the season series 6-0. If the Tribe can't win with their ace on the mound at the Jake, this team might start agreeing with everyone else; that they just can't beat the Evil Empire. I will be in Cleveland for this game, but not in the stadium. That way I can be there if the city sees fit to set up the collective noose. I imagine Derek Jeter would be the one kicking the chair.

Speaking of Jeter, I found it absurd outrageous appalling all of the above that he doesn't appear on Simmons' 25 Players to Watch in the ALDS. Seriously, I typed "Jeter" into the "Find" feature after reading the article and there were no results. Either it's some weird Boston thing where you can't say his name in October or Simmons is just a big jackass.

"Too high. It's too high."

Uh Oh, Joe Blowrowski is on the Prowl

Don't look now, but Indians' closer Joe Borowski has been having a rough couple of games. Actually, a rough season. However, in his last two appearances, Borowski has blown both save opportunities against the Seattle Mariners. Very encouraging with the playoffs on the horizon. But here's the problem-- Cleveland fans aren't surprised at the least by this. Here's why:

G	IP	H	R	HR	BB	SO	W	L	SV	WHIP	ERA
67	63.2	75	39	9	16	57	4	5	43	1.43	5.23

Why does Joe Borowski still have the closer job? One stat: saves. The dumbest stat in all of baseball. The stat that managers actually manage around when deciding whether or not to bring their "closer" in. Rafael Perez and Rafael Betancourt, the other two pitchers in the back end of the Indians bullpen, have ERAs of 1.66 and 1.49, respectively. Either of these two (probably Betancourt) should be the closer for this team. Just don't say I (and the rest of Indians fans) didn't warn you when Joe Blow pulls a Jose Mesa in late October.

The Magic Number: 7

The Indians expanded their lead over the Tigers in the Central to 5.5 games Monday night. Jhonny Peralta hit two homeruns, one of which tied the game in the bottom of the 8^th. The Tribe went on to win in the bottom of the 11^th off of Casey Blake’s walk-off home run, his second in the past four games.

This qualifies for excitement in Cleveland. With two more games with the Tigers coming up today and Wednesday, it is possible that the magic number could be down to five, or even (gasp) three with a sweep.

Back to Blake: Sammich and I were discussing this last night. Indians fans have always looked at Blake as a "glue guy." What does this exactly mean?

1 cup leadership
2 cups clubhouse persona
1 cup versatility
1/8 cup (is that possible? I'm bad with measurements) clutch hits

add water... and what do you get?

Well, in 2007 you get a .267 average, 17 homers, 72 RBIs, an OBP of .337 and a slugging % of .434.

And two walk off home runs when the Indians needed them most.

Watch out for this team in October (assuming we get there-- yes, I am paranoid enough to cover up my possible jinx). Sabathia and Carmona is a pretty scary one-two punch. And I guess watch out for Blake too.

In other Cleveland news as you may have heard, the Browns beat the Bengals 51-45. I still haven't quite figured out how this happened yet (most people are saying a combination between Charlie Frye was a cancer and the Bengals defense is horrid), but maybe I'll be able to sort more of this out after we see a road game this weekend.

Michigan's Application to become a Cleveland Team

Cleveland teams are of a different ilk than any other sports city in the country. To qualify, three particular guidelines must be met:

1. Excitement- This category includes when things happen, usually in the offseason, to stir us up and give us false hope. For instance, the Browns just drafted Brady Quinn and Joe Thomas. Everyone is flipping out. The Indians are pretending to be good, but I’m not going to be making plans to celebrate a World Series Crown. And the Cavs have LeBron. The night they won the lottery is one that I will not soon forget.

2. Letdown- This criterion applies after excitement occurs. Something happens that may not even be that exciting, but it’s a letdown nonetheless. The Browns get us excited with their draft, and then lost 34-7 in the season opener to the Steelers, never actually being in the game. Maybe we should have seen that one coming though. The Indians got us excited in 2005, nearly coming back to win the Central, and then proceeded to lose something like 9 out of 11 down the stretch. This year’s results, as mentioned above, are yet to be determined. The Cavaliers actually made it to The Finals. Then they got Danza slapped.

3. The Past- The Browns actually left us for a few years. The Drive. The Fumble. Red Right 88. That’s enough about them. The Indians were leading the Marlins going into the bottom of the 9^th in 1997 in Game Seven. And lost. The Cavaliers fell victim to Michael Jordan a couple of times, most notably the shot you see on that commercial all the time.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So what’s my point? Everyone knows Cleveland teams suck complete ass. So we have our three professional sports, but there is no college in Cleveland that is saddled with this unfortunate luck. Ohio State is basically a Cleveland team because everyone loves them up by the lake, but I can’t accept them considering they won a National Title in the past 5 years. That’s unacceptable if you’re a Cleveland team. Come on, Buckeyes-- you’re better than that. It is interesting though, because they have recently just tackled two of the criteria (excitement- [choose one-- Ohio State basketball or football] makes National Title Game. Cue letdown. Get their asses beat by Florida). However, it’d be way too easy to give Ohio State the Cleveland label. And they definitely don't meet the third criteria, the past, because they are often called "The Luckeyes." Definitely a "no" on that one. So we’re taking applications from other colleges just for fun (primarily for football reasons; after all, ‘tis the season), and here’s what Michigan’s would probably look like, despite the clashing idea of the Wolverines being accepted by Ohioans:

1. Excitement- Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, Mario Manningham and everyone else that mattered from last year’s team returns for another year! Hart, Long, and Henne are specifically coming back for a National Title. Hopes are at an all-time high in Ann Arbor. It’s going to be an awesome year. Plus, we’ve got Ohio State at the Big House. We can run the table for sure!

2. Letdown- Appalachian State comes into town for the season opener. Michigan football is finally kicking off. And then, the disaster occurs. We’re the first team to ever lose to a I-AA team while ranked. To rub salt into the wound, Oregon follows Appy State’s lead and beats the piss out us on our home field. Sadness. Despair. Anguish. Gloom. And of course, kittens.
   

3. The Past- Ironically enough, lately Michigan just can’t get past Ohio State. Since Jim Tressel has been coaching the Buckeyes, the record is at 5-1 in favor of OSU. It’s a mind game between Tressel and Lloyd Carr by now. Despite the “kind of national championship” in 1997, UM has shown a history of bad luck and misfortune. This would also include being excluded from the National Championship game just last season, even though in the end, we learned that probably neither Ohio State nor Michigan should have been there. Oh well.

Good luck finding us a better application than that. That is a pretty solid resume. Maybe a couple of interviews with the AD and Carr can lock this up. We are accepting other applicants (hint to Sammich, Buzzsaw or BigLots: Notre Dame is a pretty good candidate as well).

Ann Arbor, OH. That’s an oxymoron.

Rumor: Frye to be cut (hahaha); Quinn to start Sunday vs. Cincinnati

Today on WTAM 1100, the Cleveland Browns' flagship station, Browns' sideline reporter Andre Knott reported that Ken Dorsey's truck was spotted in Berea at the complex. Andre said Charlie Frye might be cut and that Quinn could start Sunday. Knott also said that adding into the equation is the fact that Sunday marks the easiest defense on the schedule in a long time, the Bengals.

This is about as exciting news as a Browns fan could hear right now, considering 34-7. Frye couldn't have looked worse. And remember-- Quinn was very unhappy when Dorsey was let go. He said that Ken was a very good mentor for him. This also adds to the theory that the Browns coaches and front office is completely incompetent. Releasing Dorsey, starting Frye, then possibly cutting Frye and picking Dorsey back up. What in the world is going on on the lake?

Remember, this is just a rumor. But where there's smoke, there's fire. We'll check back with you after this all unfolds.

Dear Dallas. Enjoy Darren McFadden. Signed, Cleveland.

It’s probably too early for me to write anything rational about 34-7. Oh well.

Lowlights:

-There was never a reason to be excited during the actual game. It was all buildup pregame. Five minutes into it, the Steelers were up 10-0 coming off ridiculous mistakes by the Browns offense and special teams.

-The ridiculous mistakes I speak of consist of a botched punt that included four Browns’ penalties (two defensive holdings, an illegal formation, and ineligible downfield kick). That has to be some sort of record. It was amazing. Also, a Charlie Frye interception that would have been intercepted by the Steeler behind Deshea Townsend (the guy that picked it off) had Townsend not been there. I thought they were going to fight over it.

-At first, it seemed as though the defense wasn’t really doing all that bad. It’s just that the offense put them in horrible field position. For instance, on the Steelers’ first three scoring drives, they started at the Cleveland 22 (Touchdown), the Cleveland 17 (Field Goal), and the Cleveland 40 (Touchdown). That’s ridiculous. But then, they had three scoring drives in the second half from their side of the field. So who knows. It was just an atrocity in all regards.

Highlights:

-The line looked good for the first time since we have been Cleveland Browns v2.0. Frye and Anderson both had time, but did not make good decisions. And that is kind of important.

The result:

-This team looked pretty bad. And our draft pick should end up being pretty good this year, so you Cowboys fans should be pretty excited about that. But remember Browns fans, it’s easy to bitch that “we’re so stupid for trading our 2008 draft pick for Brady Quinn!” but it’s simply not the case. Trading our 2^nd rounder and this coming year’s first rounder was the equivalent of drafting Quinn in the first round next year, but giving up our 2^nd rounder to have the luxury of having him now. Plus, he might end up being pretty good. If he busts, maybe it looks stupid. But we need a quarterback. You know that if you watched any of Sunday’s game. Frye and Derek Anderson should be playing in the CFL.

So yeah, it’s gonna suck when Dallas is picking very high in next April’s draft, but it’s all a part of being a Cleveland fan.

Has Pronk Finally Awoken From His Slumber?

It’s safe to say that Travis Hafner hasn’t been fulfilling his expectations for this season, consider last year’s numbers (.308, 42 HR, 117 RBIs, and an OPS of 1.098).

However, he may be turning things around. Lets look at his last seven games (where the Indians are 5-2):

AB	R	H	2B	HR	RBI	BB
3	1	1	1	0	0	1
3	2	2	1	0	1	2
4	2	2	0	2	4	1
5	0	1	1	0	1	0
3	0	1	0	0	0	1
4	0	1	1	0	2	0
2	1	1	0	0	0	1
24	6	9	4	2	8	6

Hafner has been batting .375 and his on-base percentage is .625. He also had the game-winning sac fly in the September 4^th game at Minnesota. It looks like things may finally be turning around for him in a season where he’s batting .260, has an OBP of .398, only 21 homers, and whenever he steps up to the plate, every fan in Jacobs’ Field knows he’s striking out (97 strikeouts this year-- which may not really be all that bad, but is magnified when the rest of his numbers aren’t great).

Now that I say all of this, he will probably crawl back in his hole and disappear for the rest of September and however much of October the Indians get to play. Let’s assume they’ll make it to the Series and blow it. His recent emergence is great; the home runs, RBIs, etc-- all awesome. But the best thing about Pronk? He's clearly named after his penis.

Hey, somebody had to say it.

The Long and Winding Road: Tim Couch

Note: Prepare for a completely biased account regarding my deep love and affection for the one, Tim Couch.

Let’s start this off with my first memories of the legend. 1999. The Browns get a new team after Art Modell stripped Cleveland of their beloved just three years prior. I’m 13 years old. Of course I’m going to love whoever they draft in the first round. Tim Couch, quarterback out of the University of Kentucky it is. I have two, count ‘em, TWO Couch jerseys in my closet to this day. I already had the brown when my uncle bought me the white; I kept it anyway. The Browns went a paltry 2-14 in their expansion season. Their first win was on the road against the Saints where Couch connected with everyone’s favorite rookie Kevin Johnson on a Hail Mary. It was awesome. Oh, and his running back was Terry Kirby that year. Yep.

The 2000 season was the one where he ended up playing 7 games and broke his thumb in practice. The team was awful, they went 3-13, and Chris Palmer got nixed. Tough break, kid. (I still don’t understand why they fired Palmer so early. It was an expansion team for Christ’s sake).

2001 was the year that the soon-to-be-devil showed his face. Butch Davis entered the scene and brought the team to a 7-9 record-- pretty exciting stuff in Cleveland. This was the year that I specifically remember Chris Berman and TJ giving out fake presents on NFL Primetime during the Christmas season. They said they would give the Browns a real running game to see how good they really could be. That tells you how bad Couch’s team sucked, and he hung in there to throw for 3,000 yards. This was the year of the bottle throwing incident (I was there). I could sit here and say they got robbed and should have been 8-8, but I won’t will. They should have been 8-8.

Then, 2002 happened. I have probably never been more excited in my sports life. The Cleveland Browns (the BROWNS!) made the playoffs while strapped on the back of a pretty good defense and Tim Couch. Couch threw for nearly 3,000 yards and had 18 touchdown passes. He looked like he was going to be a serviceable-at-worst starter after all, leading the team to an 8-6 record when he started. This was also the year when Browns fans cheered when he got hurt against the Ravens on Sunday night (week five) because they were excited for Holcomb to come in (amazing what a 1-1 record to start the year can do for you because Couch was shelved with elbow tendonitis). He bounced back to go 7-4 in his next 11 starts after the Sunday night Baltimore debacle despite the fans giving up on him in week five.

The final game of the season was against the Atlanta Falcons. Tim’s bad luck continued, as he broke his leg during the game (read: out for playoffs). The Browns went on to win, and a berth in the playoffs was clinched after the Jets delivered a little beat to the Packers for us.

With Couch shelved, Kelly Holcomb got the nod in the playoff game at Pittsburgh. Because of his decent 2 starts at the beginning of the season mentioned above, Browns’ fans had sufficient confidence in him. Some were even ecstatic that he was playing instead of “That bum Tim Couch.” That confused me, and I, of course, was distraught that Couch couldn’t play in the playoff game that he earned, but it was still Browns playoff football.

The Steelers’ secondary was absolutely awful that year. Holcomb lit them up for 429 yards, 3 TDs, and 1 INT, going 26/43 passing in the 36-33 loss. I can’t stress the word loss enough.

Can I sit here and tell you that the Browns would have beaten the Steelers had Couch played instead of Holcomb? Of course not; the defense was abysmal that game, getting owned by Tommy Maddox.

A quarterback controversy erupted going into the 2003 season. You had your senseless Holcomb backers and your loyal Couch supporters. Butch Davis announced his decision, saying that he had a “gut feeling” about Holcomb. I almost puked in my mouth. How could a player be stripped of his job due to an injury, when the replacement didn’t even take the team anywhere? This wasn’t a Brady over Bledsoe or Warner over Green situation. This was a team that was guided to a 9-7 record under one guy, then they lost a playoff game where the replacement threw for a bajillion yards against a bad secondary in a shootout. Get out of town, Butch.

And he did. Butch and Kelly followed up the playoff season with a less than stellar 5-11 record. Tim and Kelly each saw action in 10 of those games, but at that point, Couch’s playing time didn’t matter. All confidence was lost in Couch by both Davis and the fans that irrationally jumped on the “Kelly Holcomb is God Bandwagon.” Whoever was driving shotgun of that thing drove it into a telephone pole. I’m sure there were many casualties (call it survival of the fittest). Couch was let go by the team, and that was the extent of his Cleveland Browns stint.

I can’t tell you that they would have been a lot better than 5-11 in the “gut feeling” year, as I call it, but I bet they would have. It’s a lot different being the backup with no pressure that everyone loves than the starter, isn’t it, Kelly?

Butch then started off 2004 with a bang, going 3-9 and securing that his ass got fired. He took the rest of his guaranteed contract money, with a smile on his face I’m sure, and went back to college football where he belongs. All while helping to wreck what could have been a pretty good Tim Couch career. Thanks for letting us witness your ego problem, Butch.

And the beats haven’t stopped. He has since had a boatload of arm troubles, and he just never got anything going. He was actually booed off the field at Lambeau in training camp during his preseason appearances with the Packers. Talk about a shattered self-esteem.

Just because I don’t feel like summarizing Tuesday’s steroid news, here’s what someone posted on his Wikipedia page:

On August 28, 2007, Yahoo! Sports reported that Couch, while attempting to recover from shoulder surgery, knowingly took anabolic steroids and human growth hormone as part of his daily regimen. HGH are banned by the NFL. Despite Couch's statements that he never took any illegal steroids, the same reports indicate that he did while taking the HGH. This also comes months after Couch said he never took HGH, so these statements have now been rebutted. If a NFL team signs Couch for the 2007 season, pending the outcome of the investigation Couch could face disciplinary action because a free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy.

That’s pretty much it. Tim will always hold a special place in my heart. But he doesn’t give a shit. He still has his guaranteed money from his rookie contract and Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar as his wife.

I guess I shouldn't feel bad after all.

Fausto is NOT Invited to Grady and Travis’s Tree House

Poor Fausto. First his career as closer ends abruptly last season, and now this bull shit happens to him. In his eight starts since the All-Star Break, he has an ERA of 1.80 (wow), but his record is 4-4. That should be a pretty easy 6-2 or 7-1 at the least. The Indians might be using plastic bats just to screw around with Fausto’s mind. Maybe they just don’t like him and figure they can coax manager Eric Wedge into believing that he should be demoted to Triple-A. That’s the only legitimate way these final scores with him on the mound make sense:

5-3 W vs. KC
3-2 W at Tex
1-0 W vs. Bos
3-1 L vs. Tex
1-0 L at Min
6-1 L vs. NYY
5-2 W vs. Det
2-1 L @ Det

That’s a total of 17 runs scored in the eight Carmona starts. And this is coming from a pretty formidable offense in Sizemore, Victor Martinez, Hafner, Ryan Garko, and Kenny Lofton. Hell, even Casey Blake and Franklin Gutierrez aren’t that bad.

A couple of those wins were probably goof-ups by the Indians, too. I’m sure Franklin Gutierrez was scolded properly for hitting the eventual game-winning home run in the 3^rd inning of the 1-0 victory over the Red Sox. The veterans don’t take too kindly to things like that.

In fact, Trot Nixon was rumored to have given Fausto a wet willy after striking out with the bases loaded and Josh Barfield depantsed him in the clubhouse after the 1-0 loss to Minnesota.

At least for him, his contract is up after this year.

Mike Bibby wants to be a Cavalier

A friend of the blog’s, Pat, had a little run-in with Mike Bibby in the Bahamas this past week. In fact, Pat was hanging out with Bibby and his two brothers in the Dragon Club VIP room at the Royal Towers Casino for two hours. As the story goes, Bibby’s brothers recognized a friend of Pat’s, Bobby, from lifting with him earlier in the week.

Bibby’s thoughts on where he wants to be? Well, one of his brothers says he’s either going to end up with the Heat or the Cavaliers. But Bibby himself wants to be in Cleveland (Ichiro has a confused look on his face right now).

Danny Ferry, I hope you read Log's Blog. Go after this guy-- he is a real, live point guard.

I've Been Wondering what Josh Barfield’s Greatest Talent Was

Note: I would have posted this earlier, but I couldn’t find the booklet until I found it under my car seat a couple of days ago.


I was at an Indians-Royals game back in early June and was handed the week’s edition of “Batter Up!” that the workers hand out when you’re walking in. It contains rosters, concession stand details, the season schedule, and most importantly, a feature player and a story about him. Well, this particular week’s was Josh Barfield, second baseman ordinaire. I flipped through to the middle page, where the feature story was waiting. Usually, it’s something about the player and his kids or his contributions to a charity organization. Barfield? Not so much.

The article, titled “A True Gamer On & Off the Field” written by David Briggs of MLB.com, goes on about Barfield’s “achievements” and time spent playing video games. Take special note of the complete seriousness of the author. I will do my best to summarize the article with some quotes from it:

His days often start with video games. He then heads off to work, where his portable PSP system allows him to sneak in a few more games. And finally, before he crashes, the night winds down with yet some more gaming back at his apartment with his roommate (Ryan Garko).

It’s a scholarly video-gaming lifestyle Barfield shares with many young players in the big leagues. How many other guys walked the red carpet at last year’s Video Game Awards in Las Vegas, participated in a gaming competition during Super Bowl week in Miami and are a member of the Professional Baseball Gaming League? Yes, a professional video game league. Formed by Yankees center fielder and self-proclaimed commissioner Johnny Damon.

To Barfield’s credit, he never slacked off on his rigorous gaming routine once he made it big. In fact, his passion has only heightened over time.

“I’ve never seen anyone with so much enthusiasm for video games,” Garko said. He plays in the afternoon, at night, at the park, on the plane, pretty much anywhere but second base.

If you’re an Indians fan, you’re asking yourself where that enthusiasm and “rigorous routine” is when the guy is at the plate. As of August 7, his batting average stands at .245 (OBP .273, SLG .320). He has 2 HRs and 48 RBIs through 106 games. What a joke. I almost guarantee his stats in MLB 2K7, or whichever baseball game the kids are playin’ these days, are about double that considering his gaming abilities compared his actual baseball talents.

Barfield also loves the competition…

Right now, that competition comes from his daily NBA 2K7 showdowns with Garko, a guy who just might be Barfield’s match. The roommates guess they’ve split about 100 games in the virtual basketball arena, though Barfield is coming on strong. Winning three straight, Barfield has sent his buddy into panic mode, which means Garko’s hometown Lakers will be making a cameo.

“They’re my emergency team when things aren’t going well,” Garko said. “That’s when I take it personally.”

But Barfield will be waiting. And acknowledging he’s now reached the “big time” in the video gaming world, Barfield knows he cannot be dethroned by a mere amateur.

If I’m Mark Shapiro (Cleveland's GM), I get a trade lined up involving Barfield and Garko, ASAP. This is going to turn into a carpel tunnel syndrome nightmare.

Why the Cleveland Browns will have a Little Bit of a Season

Right now, you’re saying “what the fuck is this guy talking about? The Browns are horrible.” And yes, you are right. But let’s take a look at some correlating history that proves that the Browns will have a successful season. And I’m not trying to connect Brady Quinn’s crotch-grabbing with Rex Grossman’s odd fetishes.

Some ridiculous friends of mine and I have pretty much started calling this theory the “You Just Gotta Feel Bad” Theory. A short look at the history:

The 2001-2002 Season-- The New England Patriots

We all know the horrifying story of 9/11. There is no need for me to dwell on that. The fact of the matter is a team named the Patriots (who went 5-11 in the season before this one, mind you) went on to win the Super Bowl just five months after one of the worst days in U.S. history. Patriotism was probably at its peak in the United States at this time. How many cars did you see sporting American flags after the atrocities that occurred? It was a drastic change from pre-9/11. Anyway, some people actually thought the season was rigged for them (crazy ass holes), but I just think that everyone else felt kinda bad. The only part I will never understand is how the Pats didn’t feel even worse for Kurt Warner and his spouse situation.

The 2006-2007 Season-- The New Orleans Saints

I touched on this in my fantasy football team name suggestions article. The effects of Katrina propelled the city to rally behind the Saints. And it was really great for both the NFL and the city that was in shambles, don’t get me wrong. Warrick Dunn even told the press something to the effect of; if he is going to lose, it may as well be to the Saints. You really think there wasn’t a lack of killer instinct there? Dunn was probably too busy thinking about the fact that the only thing that will fit in his mouth are grapes (compliments to Daris for that one-- I think he finds the small size of Dunn’s mouth more ridiculous than I do). I’m just saying, everyone had to feel kinda bad. I mean, you’ve got to.

This seasons’ candidates:

The Runner-Up-- The Denver Broncos

Tough offseason for Shanahan’s boys out west. Darrent Williams was shot and killed on New Years in a drive-by. A really awful story. Javon Walker was there for the whole thing-- I can’t even imagine. I am in no way poking fun at this death; I’m just saying it’s a reason for other teams to “just feel bad.” Past results, as shown above, actually back up this sort of ridiculous claim. Don’t worry; I’ll go to church this Sunday.

The Winner-- The Cleveland Browns

It’s hard to think up a reason to feel bad for the Browns, besides the popular jokes “well, they have to live in Cleveland!” or “they have to play for the Browns!” Good ones, Bengals and Steelers fans. You guys are adorable, not to mention original. Anyway, onto the reason why “you just gotta feel bad.” First off, the whole LeCharles Bentley story is insane and I cannot believe it isn’t being talked about more. The guy had a staph infection and doctors actually worried about him not being able to live through a night, much less being able to play football again. Well, guess what? He’s suiting up this season.

The main reason that you just gotta feel bad? Take a look at the Browns' logo: the Dawg. The Dawg Pound! You think other teams won’t see the correlation here and just feel bad for the Dawg lovers at Cleveland Browns Stadium? It may be for the wrong reasons, but so was feelin’ bad for the Pats in ’01-’02. The Falcons are lucky they aren’t coming to Cleveland this year. If you thought the bottle throwing incident was bad, imagine a ton of dawg bones being thrown onto the field in protest of Vick’s alleged dog-fighting enterprises.

Here’s to a 12-4 season and a Super Bowl loss. Hey, all the other Ohio teams are doin’ it, so why can’t the Browns?

Indians Fans-- Get Your Kenny Lofton Jersey Shirts Out of the Closet

He's back! The Indians traded single A catcher Max Ramirez (acquired last year for Bob Wickman from the Braves) to the Rangers for Kenny Lofton today, marking Lofton's third stint with the club. We all remember the Lofton for Grissom trade before the '97 season-- it was painful. Anyway, I refuse to believe that this is all the Indians are going to announce today. The press conference has to be at 4 o'clock for a reason-- there's gotta be another trade in the works. Think about it-- the Indians outfield now includes Grady Sizemore, Kenny Lofton, Trot Nixon, Jason Michaels, Franklin Gutierrez, Ben Francisco, Sin Choo-Choo in the minors (no, I didn't make that name up), and Dave Dellucci on the DL. That is downright absurd. I'm going to speculate that Francisco and/or Michaels are on their way out for a relief pitcher of some kind. At least I'm hoping.

As far as the actual trade goes, I think it is good for Indians' fans excitement. The Jake has not been getting filled up lately and any bandwagon fan that used to love Kenny Lofton will be going out to support him and the rest of the guys that are foreign to them. As far as upgrading in actual baseball terms, it can move Sizemore down in the lineup so he can now bat third as many Indians fans have been calling for. We've got karma on our side as well, considering that Lofton has been to the playoffs five times with the Indians with one World Series appearance. I won't continue to subject you folks to my trying to talk myself into the idea of bringing back a corpse of a former Cleveland hero.

More on this after all of the dust settles.