The Long and Winding Road: Tim Couch

Note: Prepare for a completely biased account regarding my deep love and affection for the one, Tim Couch.

Let’s start this off with my first memories of the legend. 1999. The Browns get a new team after Art Modell stripped Cleveland of their beloved just three years prior. I’m 13 years old. Of course I’m going to love whoever they draft in the first round. Tim Couch, quarterback out of the University of Kentucky it is. I have two, count ‘em, TWO Couch jerseys in my closet to this day. I already had the brown when my uncle bought me the white; I kept it anyway. The Browns went a paltry 2-14 in their expansion season. Their first win was on the road against the Saints where Couch connected with everyone’s favorite rookie Kevin Johnson on a Hail Mary. It was awesome. Oh, and his running back was Terry Kirby that year. Yep.

The 2000 season was the one where he ended up playing 7 games and broke his thumb in practice. The team was awful, they went 3-13, and Chris Palmer got nixed. Tough break, kid. (I still don’t understand why they fired Palmer so early. It was an expansion team for Christ’s sake).

2001 was the year that the soon-to-be-devil showed his face. Butch Davis entered the scene and brought the team to a 7-9 record-- pretty exciting stuff in Cleveland. This was the year that I specifically remember Chris Berman and TJ giving out fake presents on NFL Primetime during the Christmas season. They said they would give the Browns a real running game to see how good they really could be. That tells you how bad Couch’s team sucked, and he hung in there to throw for 3,000 yards. This was the year of the bottle throwing incident (I was there). I could sit here and say they got robbed and should have been 8-8, but I won’t will. They should have been 8-8.

Then, 2002 happened. I have probably never been more excited in my sports life. The Cleveland Browns (the BROWNS!) made the playoffs while strapped on the back of a pretty good defense and Tim Couch. Couch threw for nearly 3,000 yards and had 18 touchdown passes. He looked like he was going to be a serviceable-at-worst starter after all, leading the team to an 8-6 record when he started. This was also the year when Browns fans cheered when he got hurt against the Ravens on Sunday night (week five) because they were excited for Holcomb to come in (amazing what a 1-1 record to start the year can do for you because Couch was shelved with elbow tendonitis). He bounced back to go 7-4 in his next 11 starts after the Sunday night Baltimore debacle despite the fans giving up on him in week five.

The final game of the season was against the Atlanta Falcons. Tim’s bad luck continued, as he broke his leg during the game (read: out for playoffs). The Browns went on to win, and a berth in the playoffs was clinched after the Jets delivered a little beat to the Packers for us.

With Couch shelved, Kelly Holcomb got the nod in the playoff game at Pittsburgh. Because of his decent 2 starts at the beginning of the season mentioned above, Browns’ fans had sufficient confidence in him. Some were even ecstatic that he was playing instead of “That bum Tim Couch.” That confused me, and I, of course, was distraught that Couch couldn’t play in the playoff game that he earned, but it was still Browns playoff football.

The Steelers’ secondary was absolutely awful that year. Holcomb lit them up for 429 yards, 3 TDs, and 1 INT, going 26/43 passing in the 36-33 loss. I can’t stress the word loss enough.

Can I sit here and tell you that the Browns would have beaten the Steelers had Couch played instead of Holcomb? Of course not; the defense was abysmal that game, getting owned by Tommy Maddox.

A quarterback controversy erupted going into the 2003 season. You had your senseless Holcomb backers and your loyal Couch supporters. Butch Davis announced his decision, saying that he had a “gut feeling” about Holcomb. I almost puked in my mouth. How could a player be stripped of his job due to an injury, when the replacement didn’t even take the team anywhere? This wasn’t a Brady over Bledsoe or Warner over Green situation. This was a team that was guided to a 9-7 record under one guy, then they lost a playoff game where the replacement threw for a bajillion yards against a bad secondary in a shootout. Get out of town, Butch.

And he did. Butch and Kelly followed up the playoff season with a less than stellar 5-11 record. Tim and Kelly each saw action in 10 of those games, but at that point, Couch’s playing time didn’t matter. All confidence was lost in Couch by both Davis and the fans that irrationally jumped on the “Kelly Holcomb is God Bandwagon.” Whoever was driving shotgun of that thing drove it into a telephone pole. I’m sure there were many casualties (call it survival of the fittest). Couch was let go by the team, and that was the extent of his Cleveland Browns stint.

I can’t tell you that they would have been a lot better than 5-11 in the “gut feeling” year, as I call it, but I bet they would have. It’s a lot different being the backup with no pressure that everyone loves than the starter, isn’t it, Kelly?

Butch then started off 2004 with a bang, going 3-9 and securing that his ass got fired. He took the rest of his guaranteed contract money, with a smile on his face I’m sure, and went back to college football where he belongs. All while helping to wreck what could have been a pretty good Tim Couch career. Thanks for letting us witness your ego problem, Butch.

And the beats haven’t stopped. He has since had a boatload of arm troubles, and he just never got anything going. He was actually booed off the field at Lambeau in training camp during his preseason appearances with the Packers. Talk about a shattered self-esteem.

Just because I don’t feel like summarizing Tuesday’s steroid news, here’s what someone posted on his Wikipedia page:

On August 28, 2007, Yahoo! Sports reported that Couch, while attempting to recover from shoulder surgery, knowingly took anabolic steroids and human growth hormone as part of his daily regimen. HGH are banned by the NFL. Despite Couch's statements that he never took any illegal steroids, the same reports indicate that he did while taking the HGH. This also comes months after Couch said he never took HGH, so these statements have now been rebutted. If a NFL team signs Couch for the 2007 season, pending the outcome of the investigation Couch could face disciplinary action because a free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy.

That’s pretty much it. Tim will always hold a special place in my heart. But he doesn’t give a shit. He still has his guaranteed money from his rookie contract and Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar as his wife.

I guess I shouldn't feel bad after all.