Sockless Says. “Novak, I Demand a Piddle Test”

Novak Djokovic beat Roger Federer on Sunday ( 7-6, 2-6, 7-6) to pocket $400,000 at the Rogers Cup in Montreal. I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell cares? I certainly didn’t until I dug a little deeper. Novak not only dethroned Federer, but also beat Rafael Nadal and Andy Roddick in the same tournament. He knocked off the top 3 tennis players in the world in one tournament. Talk about being suspect. Djokovic was a combined 0-7 against Federer and Nadal this year heading into the event. All of the sudden he ends up beating both of them in less then 4 days time? He’s made a lot of progress in the professional rankings over the last year or so. Rising from 83^rd all the way to the top 20 in the last year, and now, after this win, he will take over Roddick’s #3 position. I know that Djokovic is only 20, but in an era plagued with steroids, it’s not unreasonable to suggest that something might be up.

I’ll tell you what needs to happen with Djokovic moving forward:

1. Check the surface of his ass and in between the toes for needle marks, we might have a juicer on our hands.
2. Avoiding placing too much emphasis on noticeable mood swings and acne flair ups, which are usually tell-tale signs. At the tender age of 20, they might just be part of the physical maturation process.
3. Don’t, for any reason leave, this man alone with women or children unless we want to see something Benoit-esque. I don’t know how appropriate that was, but I’m guessing not very.

In conclusion, Nadal is nearly impossible to beat, even when he’s not playing on clay. He is like a jumping bean on the court and his energy and shot making ability make him the only man who can consistently give Federer trouble. So that victory was hard to believe, but everyone assumed it was just a little luck. However, nobody beats Federer on a consistent basis. Every time I think of Federer, images of Ivan Drago from Rocky 4 pop into my head. Roger is that intimidating, and Djokovic needed a “Rockyian” effort to pull off the upset. Yes, I just used Rockyian, and I think its going to stick. This victory indicates that foul play is a pretty big possibility.

I hope the International Tennis Federation does their god-forsaken job. They should test Novak, and while they’re at it, throw Serena a piss cup. I think the results could be surprising, from both a steroids standpoint, and the ever popular “I think Serena is definitely a dude” standpoint.

-Sockless Dilemma with a little help from. (Sorry, I had to give myself a pat on the back.)

Was our Editor in Federer’s Head?

How can you blame Roger for being scared?

So, it was all lined up for Roger Federer. He’s the best tennis player of all time. He’s close to breaking every tennis record in history. He had won 16 straight Master’s Series' Rogers Cup matches; including three for three in his last three tries. Almost everything pointed towards another Federer route on Sunday in Montreal. A 50^th tournament victory seemed all but guaranteed as he matched up with Novak Djokovic So, when Federer lost (6-7,6-2,6-7) on Sunday, I needed an explanation.

I can think of only one plausible reason. Something shocking, something unnerving, something majestic was happening yesterday as Roger tried to win another tournament. As his match drew near, a young Logan Conner was boarding a plane that would soon be landing in Europe. His destination: Switzerland. Move over Roger, there was soon to be a new sheriff in town. Well, that’s assuming there are sheriffs in Switzerland, if not, replace sheriff with soldier.

Did Federer catch wind of this news? Was Log in Federer’s head? I wouldn’t blame Federer for being intimated. Log plans on “raping and pillaging that damn country until it bleeds Irish Green.”, which are his words. Ya, it shocked me to, but he seemed serious.

Immediately after that comment Log screamed “I HATE SWISS ARMY KNIVES” as he pounded on his chest.

Federer now knows that Switzerland is no longer safe. An angry, almost famous blog editor plans on stealing a lot of the spotlight, and Federer’s girlfriend if he gets a chance. I just hope the country is big enough for the two of them. I literally couldn’t understand how Federer lost. Either Logan, our esteemed editor, was in Fed’s head, or his opponent, Novak Djokovic, was on steroids. Hmmm, I think Sockless might have his own theory on Federer’s loss.

A month ago I asked Logan, "What are you going to do when you get to Switzerland?"

He responded not with words, but with the picture you see at the top of the page. It makes so much sense now.

To be continued……like any of the great TGIF Full House Episodes that you just couldn’t wait for back in the day.