Just Waiting for the Regular Season to End

Among my many problems with the National Basketball Association is the length of the season. The definition of ‘grueling’ in some countries is viewed as ‘eighty-two games of basketball spread out over five and a half months.’ I would be mailing in games too if my playoff position was relatively known and we were playing game fifty-seven on the road in Toronto.

Not only do the players legitimately not care, most casual fans don’t even know what the hell is going on around the midpoint of the season. If you asked me the Cavs’ record right now, I would just shrug my shoulders and reply “they’re in good position to make the playoffs.” That’s probably how the players feel, too. So here are a couple of alternatives that my naïve mind has come up with to fixing this problem in the NBA:

1. Cut the season down to around sixty games.

Or

2. Cut the amount of playoff teams down to six per conference.

Or

3. Do both. I can’t decide if this would be a good idea or not yet.

At risk of looking like an idiot for going out of order, I’ll start with #2. Can you imagine the chaos that would be going on in the West if only six teams could make the playoffs? Every team would have to play their ass off in every game to keep their playoff hopes alive. That’s pretty much the only reason it would be a good idea, because it would maintain the grueling level of the length of the season.

That said, I like option #1 the best. This would probably bring the length of the season down to about 4 months. With that few games, players have to legitimately worry about every game coming into play regarding their playoff hopes. Why do you think the NFL works so well? Every game matters, there’s only one per week, so there’s a better chance that that particular game will affect your teams’ playoff hopes and/or seed. If someone at any point during the NFL season asked me what the Browns’ record was, I would immediately rattle it off, because it matters week in and week out what happens. Also, this gives those bottom-of-the-barrel-lottery-teams less time to realize that they’re horrendous and that they need to start tanking to improve their lottery ball status.

So next time someone asks you what your NBA team’s record is, just tell them you’re waiting for the playoffs to start because the regular season is pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

(DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that this would never fly because the owners would shit a brick over the lost ticket sales)

The truth on LeBron’s horrible outing

LeBron sucked last night. Considering that he is one of the most talented players in the game today, there have to be some deep, dark reasons as to how he could let himself look like complete shit on the opening night of the NBA on ESPN. We’ve come up with a few ideas:

1. He was up late last night waiting to get confirmation on the Joe Girardi hire. Being a Bronx native Akron native, he was really excited about bringing Girardi back to pinstripes. He’s loved the Yankees ever since he was young and they were good. Respectable.

2. After seeing the big news about Tony Romo’s new outrageous contract, LeBron called him up to congratulate. Being that his grandma’s sister’s cousin’s maid’s ex-boyfriend is from Dallas, LeBron just loves those Cowboys (and always has-- no bandwagon jumping here). He was so excited that he flew Romo into Cleveland, took him downtown and celebrated accordingly, being up into the wee hours of the night. Stupid hangovers.

3. Upon seeing Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia in center court lower level seats decked out in Mavericks gear, LeBron was hurt that professionals that play in his own city would root against him and the Cavs’ quest to make it to the NBA Finals again to get embarrassed. Oh wait, Grady and C.C. would never do that.

Don’t be surprised when Anderson Varejao signs a 5 yr/$55 million desperation contract offer.

NBA Rookie Survey

I know this is pretty old, but a few polls were taken amongst the new crop of NBA rookies at their Rookie Symposium a few weeks ago. The forty-four rookies were asked questions like “Who will win Rookie of the Year?” “Who is the most underrated rookie?” etc. The answers were startling, well, at least some of them were.

As for the obvious ones, the battle was clearly between Kevin Durant and Greg Oden. Turns out it wasn’t much of a battle as Durant was voted most likely to win the Rookie of the year and also predicted to play in the most All-Star games. Durant won the ROY vote 23-5 vs Oden out of a possible 44 votes. Pretty surprising numbers.

Now to the moderate surprises; can someone please explain to me the difference between voting someone most NBA-ready and voting someone to win the Rookie of the Year? I don’t understand that, but what I do understand is that Al Horford is the shit and received the praise of his peers by beating out Oden and Durant for the title of most ready. Horford and his chiseled 6’10” 244-lb frame benched 185lbs 20 times, the most of anyone at the NBA's pre-draft combine. Judging by those numbers, Horford is, literally, infinitely stronger than Kevin Durant. On the negative side I will say this, Horford’s shimmy is clearly not NBA-ready, but he has the potential to steal the shimmy title from Antoine Walker in the near future; hopefully force won’t be necessary.

The oddest votes were cast for the question, “Which current NBA player are you most looking forward to playing against?” Kobe Bryant won fairly easy, but scanning the “also receiving votes section” revealed an underlying fear amongst a couple of this year’s NBA rookies. Most voted for superstars like Bryant, Shaq, Tim Duncan, etc, but two decided they’d most like to play against JJ Redick and Quinton Ross. Who wouldn’t? They're pieces of shit. Redick can’t play defense, and is a great candidate to be posterized; but an explanation for his pick could be that a bitter North Carolina guy just wants another piece of him. Quinton Ross makes even less sense, he may just be the most mediocre player in the league. His career numbers are stunningly average, 20 min/game, 5pts, 1 asts, 2 rebs. The college rivalry factor, a la Redick, isn’t in play either, he went to Southern Methodist. There may have been another possibility of Tar Heel involvement, in an attack on Matt Doherty, but Ross did not get a chance to play for the former UNC coach.

To find any possible clue, I turned to google hoping for anything remarkable about Ross and there was literally only one link that wasn’t simply his career stats. That link was from InsideHoops.com who conducted probably the most boring interview in NBA history, here’s a snippet talking about Ross' time living in Europe:

InsideHoops.com: The first thing I think of about Belgium is chocolate.

Quinton Ross: They got some good chocolate over there.

InsideHoops.com: Have to eat it in moderation.

Quinton Ross: Yeah, you got to. But it's pretty good, though.

That’s about the most interesting thing about Quinton Ross, he thinks chocolate is pretty good and eats it in moderation. My only guesses on the culprit of this Quinton Ross choice are Spencer Hawes or Greg Oden. Hawes’ love of chocolate was ingrained into his soul at the University of Washington which requires their student athletes to drink chocolate milk after practice. Oden may have done it to show respect to his new teammate Sergio “Spanish Chocolate” Rodriguez who has had a beef with Ross’ Belgium chocolate preference for sometime now. Sadly, we may never know the answer to this riddle.

NBA Rookie Survey

Just Waking Up

Well, Kobe Bryant, and his good ole buddy, Tim Donaghy, are still both douche-nozzles. I was reading a little write up on team USA right when I woke up. A reporter asked a kid standing outside team USA's practice if he'd gotten Kobe's autograph. The little kid responded saying:

"No, he wouldn't even sign his own shoes."

The child was pointing at the shoes on his own feet that happened to be Kobe's Nikes. What an asshole, ya know.

Oh, and I wanted to quickly mention that Tim Donaghy is supposedly planning on naming at least 20 NBA officials who were somehow invovled with gambling during NBA seasons.What exactly he is going to say is up in the air, but its troubling to fans like myself as NBA refs aren't allowed to bet on anything outside horse races in the offseason. David Stearn's assesment (and mine) that this wasn't a league wide problem might be almost entirely inaccurate. I just hope its not true. Maybe the NBA should just start over, put new refs through an extensive training program this off season, and get this shit handled before it truly gets out of control. Stearn's under garment preferences aren't going to be the only thing called into question if he doesn't handle this situation. Definitely more, maybe a lot more, on this later when I get the full details.

Later skaters

Complimenting Ainge and McHale: What in the hell is going on?

I’m still not sure that Kevin Garnett has actually been traded as I’ve been hearing his name on the block for the better part of 10 years, but I have to believe the photos I saw of him standing in between Paul Pierce and Ray Allen weren’t just the creation of a photoshop extraordinaire. In the photo, Garnett is holding up his new #5 Celtics jersey. I suspect its one of five numbers yet to be retired by the Celtics, and wholeheartedly believe Garnett originally vetoed any trade to the Celtics because his jersey choices were being severely restricted. If the Big Three all perform well for Boston, their jerseys will be retired and the next big star to sign with the Celtics will be forced to take a decimal number or one in the triple digits. Thank god Bill Walton’s knees were shot when he signed with the Celtics!

The trade has the city of Boston buzzing, and the Celtics have a legitimate shot of making it to the NBA finals assuming Ainge’s master plan doesn’t involve the Big Three playing five on three. The Celtics had to give up their core of young talent to get Garnett, and are left filling in the smaller pieces of the puzzle both at point guard and the center position. The # of players traded by the Celtics for Garnett actually broke the record for most given up in one trade. The Rockets held the record previously, giving 6 players up when they acquired Scottie Pippen.

Saying all of that, I think the trade was beneficial to both parties involved. The T-Wolves acquired Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomez, Gerald Green, Theo Ratliff and his expiring contract, and good old Bassy Telfair. They will have some wiggle room once they deal with Ratliff and Jefferson is one of the most talented young low post players in the league. Gerald Green is insanely gifted athletically, and if he progresses as expected, we can expect big things out of him for years to come. McHale will also be able to build through the draft as they acquired the rights to two future draft picks from the Celtics. I won’t comment on Telfair as he’ll be kicked out of the League by 2009. Overall, I think the T-Wolves got what they could for Garnett, and the deal works better than the speculated trades which had Garnett being moved to Phoenix or LA. McHale actually handled the situation properly, and is probably secretly rooting for the Celtics to win a championship anyway, so it seems pretty logical.

People have to give Ainge two big thumbs up if this was part of his “master plan.” He realized his time in Boston was nearing an end if the Celtics didn’t immediately make roster updates. From what I gathered, the Celtics and the city of Boston weren’t willing to wait another 3-5 years as their young nucleus of talent developed. The city wants a championship now, and Ainge gives them a shot at winning one. He was able to hold onto Paul Pierce, pick up Ray Allen on draft day, and then use those players to make the trade worthwhile for Garnett. KG wants to win, and Ainge was able to convince him that Boston was the place it was most likely to happen.

Doc Rivers doesn’t have any excuses now. I’ve tended to back off as others have voiced their opinions about his shitty coaching, but now its time to git’r’done! (First Larry the Cable Guy reference on the blog. I am both shocked and saddened by this.) Garnett, Piece, and Allen are all perennial all-stars, and one could argue they are top three players at each of their respective positions. More importantly, they are all unselfish team guys, and I’ll guarantee there will be enough shots to go around. Garnett is perfectly content averaging 15-17 a game, and doing more damage on the boards and defensive end of the court. He actually deferred too much in Minnesota in an attempt to get other players involved. If his mentality remains unchanged on the offensive end, he’ll now be deferring to two big time scorers in Piece and Allen.

The Celtics need to continue Rondo’s development (or pick up a veteran point guard who distributes) and handle their situation at center. Currently, Kendrick Perkins is projected to be their big man, but he’s played 2.5 seasons in the NBA and is averaging 4 points a game. If he develops, or they can pick up a veteran center, they will have a legitimate shot at competing with teams out West. Remember, the days of dominating centers in the NBA seem to be over for the most part. I can only think of Yao off the top of my head.

Garnett, Pierce, and Allen are all somewhere between the ages of 30-32 which means they have at least 3-4 years to win a championship. The team could be scary a few years down the road if they gel, and better pieces are picked up to fill out the team. I don’t think the age issue is relevant here. Short-term it makes sense as they can continue meshing and still probably navigate their way through the shitty East!

Injuries have plagued Allen and Pierce recently, but if they remain healthy, look out. I don’t see any team in the Eastern conference being able to beat them in a 7 game series if those three are on the court at the same time. I’m usually skeptical when teams try to create a “mini-all star” team, but in fact, that was the most effective strategy in the 80’s when the Celtics and Lakers were winning so many championships. (Bird, McHale, Parrish/ Magic, Worthy, Kerem)

I am really excited to see how this plays out. Balancing the league and getting talent to move back east will help make for a better NBA product. I can’t make fun of Ainge or McHale this time. They did a damn good job of creating a deal that seems to make sense for both parties. Other teams in the East will be forced to make moves, which will increase competition. It’s only a start, but a damn good one if things work out the way I hope.

Garnett Deal Done?

While looking through BostonHerald.com to keep up to date on Red Sox trade rumors I came across this blog that says the Garnett deal is basically done (ed: it looks like Deadspin has it too). This guy says the deal would include Al Jefferson, but either way I think its still a pretty good move for the Celtics.

Look at it this way...without making a deal for Garnett, the trade for Allen is pretty pointless. Yes, it makes them better, but it really doesn't give them a serious shot to make a deep run in the playoffs. With a lineup of Garnett, Pierce, Allen, Rondo and whoever, they would be one of, if the not the team to beat in the East. Sometimes you've got to just say screw it and go for it. Besides, if it doesn't work out they can just dump the expiring contracts and start over again. Wait and see, but I'm guessing if this guy is right we should see some confirmation on this in the next few hours.

P.S. Unfortunately the Celtics released Allan Ray yesterday, meaning we won't be able to hear an announcer say "Allen to Ray" or "Ray to Allan" and get all confused. That just sucks.

Tim Donaghy Lacks a Soul

The NBA point shaving scandal is becoming increasingly bizarre as more details are being brought to light. It is now being reported that Donaghy was involved with mobsters associated with the Gambino family, and has received death threats within the past few days. His family and friends, fearing for his safety, are urging him to enter the witness protection program, according to the New York Post.

Even more interesting though is the Post’s assessment of his character, specifically the story told by fellow West Chester native John Minutella. The retired dentist who plays golf at the course where the ref used work told how Donaghy put a dead bird in his golf bag, where he found it a day later covered with maggots. “Nobody wanted to play golf with him. I can’t say one nice thing about him. I believe this guy was almost soulless,” Minutella said. At least he didn’t kill the bird himself. I wonder what the dentist would have to say about Mike Vick.

NBA Ref Tim Donaghy Hit With Some Bad Calls

Welcoming Yi to Milwaukee

After being drafted by one of the teams on his “not approved list,” our boy Yi Jianlian needs some cheering up. The 7-foot, 246 pounder out of China was selected #6 overall in Thursday night’s draft by the Milwaukee Bucks. This occurred despite not inviting the Bucks to his workout in Los Angeles, the Bucks not seeing him play in China, and not putting Milwaukee on his “approved teams” list. Overall, just a great play by the Bucks. If they don’t trade his rights, I will be shocked. But just in case they don’t, here are some things that Yi’s travel agent is recommending he do upon his arrival to Wisconsin.

Brewers Game at Miller Park (Read: Sausage Race)

Nothing to cheer you up when you’re down like a great competition at Miller Park. Oh, and a baseball game, too (that joke would have been a lot funnier if the Brewers weren’t actually good this year). Anyway, there is no telling which sausage Yi will be rooting for, but I’m guessing he’ll just play along with Charlie Villanueva, who is rumored to love large dark hairless objects. So, Frankie Furter the hot dog it is.

The Great Wisconsin Cheese Festival

The hits just keep coming for Yi. The famous festival is held in the first week of June every year, meaning that Yi just missed out. It is probably for the best anyway, as Yi may have been scared off by the state of Wisconsin even more after seeing both the hefty broads stuffing their faces with cheese and the strange people wearing Cheeseheads.

(EDIT: I just learned that 93% of Chinese are lactose intolerant-- which may be another good reason that he just missed the festival.)

Shotz Brewery

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlemaz! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!” A dream come true for Yi would be Yao and him skipping arm-in-arm down the street reciting this chant to the Laverne & Shirley background music. I think it’s time for Larry Harris to make this happen. Yi might even take off his gloves, put them on top of already-capped bottles, and wave goodbye to them. Oh, that whimsical Yi.

Press Conference Lessons with Brett Favre
We all know Favre’s genius. “Is he going to retire?” “Is he going to come back for one more?” He leaves his fans hanging on a thread every year. Only Roger Clemens loves the media attention more than Brett. During this two week program, Yi will learn the finer points in giving a press conference. Among these points he will learn timing, shock value, and Favre’s most famous attribute, the “maybe, maybe-not” factor. After all is said and done, Yi will most likely hold a press conference sometime before the Chinese New Year (I don’t know when this actually is, though) or even the NFL preseason to divert attention his way, saying that he may possibly be playing for the Bucks this season, but he’ll have to see about that. If his English is anything like his interview with Stu Scott on Thursday night, it may go down as the greatest press conference of all time. Upon this announcement, NBA Fastbreak analysts Tim Legler and Greg Anthony will strike up so much debate that their respective heads will go Exorcist on us. Then, that son of a bitch Brett Favre will announce his retirement to switch the attention back his way to take the attention away from Yi. That gunslinger really knows how to play his cards.



All that being said, well wishes to Yi and his future endeavors. Hopefully for him, he gets traded to a more Chinese populated area. And hopefully for the Bucks, Yi decides he just can't resist the dark beer and cheese.